COLUMBUS: This past week we lost the Queen Mum and the King of Television. She was 101, and was the one in British royalty that glued everyone together. He was 93, and was the one in 1948 that glued everyone to the TV. They were both ambitious, took advantage of their opportunities, and they were both charming in a dress.

Milton Berle got his start in Vaudeville.

Elizabeth got her start by marrying the second son of King George V. Normally that carries even lower expectations than marrying a Vice-President, but it paid dividends for her. The first son (Edward, the Prince of Wales), was supposed to move on up to King, but his heart was just not in it.

Now, everybody over here knew years earlier that he wasn’t interested in being promoted to King. But the only way to convince the Brits was to marry a common American gal, and become ineligible for the title. That left the Crown to his little brother George. He wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect either till Elizabeth stepped up, and like most strong wives she said, “George, you can do it. You wear the crown and I’ll be right beside you. No one expects you to make flowery speeches, and you don’t have to cut down a cherry tree.” So George VI took over in 1936, and when he died in 1952 their young daughter, also named Elizabeth, became Queen.

Looking back on it, England knows they would have been just as well off if, when George passed on, they would have said, “Elizabeth, why don’t you take over as Queen. We know it is unusual here, but in the Colonies they do the same thing whenever a Senator dies.” She would have made a great one.

Maryland won the college basketball championship. Connecticut won it on the women’s side, and they are both deserving. Oklahoma had their chances on both sides, but will have to wait another year.

About all you hear on the news today is Israel and Arafat. They’re both fighting with whatever weapons they can get their hands on: Israel uses tanks, and Arafat uses kids.

Brother, I sure don’t have any solution to offer. Any plan I have put forth previously has not won approval at any level. When Koffi Annan of the United Nations is pessimistic for peace, and Dan Rather is pessimistic for peace, you know you’ve got an impossible situation.

Both sides, and almost the whole world, are saying the United States should get tangled up in this mess. Folks in the past have said our President is not very smart, but you just watch. George W (no relation to George V) knows a trap when he sees one. He ain’t going near that rat hole. The Pope condemned the killing, but he did it from a suburb of Rome. George W has strong words for both sides but he said it from Texas, which is even farther away than the Pope.

This argument has been going on for a thousand years, so a few more months, or even years, won’t matter much. Too many folks over there that don’t want peace. Ken McFarland used to say, “Rehabilitation don’t always work. You can’t Rehabilitate someone who was never Habilitated in the first place.”

Here at home, the battle over Evolution in Science class has abandoned Kansas and is looking for a home in Ohio. Instead of Creation, they call it Intelligent Design. This argument may last as long as the one in the Middle East.

This is April Fools Day. Too bad we can’t limit our Foolishness to one day a year.

Historic Quotes by Will Rogers: (on Edward, Prince of Wales)

“But just between you and I, Calvin, he don’t care any more about being King than you would about going back to Vice President again. But he would be a great old King.” Saturday Evening Post, May 20, 1926

“Even such a Dignitary as the Prince of Wales, after being refreshed from an Oklahoma recipe from the private still of Joshua Cosden, went back home and told George and Mary ‘to pick ’em out another boy, that the King business didn’t interest him in the least.’ “How to be Funny”, American Magazine, May 1930