COLUMBUS: Let’s start off with some headlines from the Columbus Dispatch.

“Jesse Helms to have surgery to replace a valve in his heart.” That’ll be a shock to some folks… they don’t believe the Senator has a heart. Of course he has a heart… it’s just in a different place than theirs.

“White House backs abolishing immigration agency.” That sounds like good news for those who want smaller government. But no, they want to replace the Immigration and Naturalization Service with two agencies, one to let ’em in, and the other to keep ’em out. I got a better plan … let the Marines keep the undesirables out, and the job of letting the worthy immigrants in would be turned over to the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

And I would make it retroactive. Anybody who’s ancestors arrived on these shores since 1492 would have to explain why this country is better off with them than without ’em. Anybody whose forefathers were brought here under false pretenses or against their will would have the option of a free ticket back to their homeland. If they decide they like it better here, they could apply for re-admission.

“Philip Morris supports self-extinguishing cigarettes.” They claim that 900 lives would be saved in this country if cigarettes went out automatically when the smoker was done with them. Can you imagine how many would be saved if they went out immediately when lit?

“Ohio Senate adopts pro-Israel resolution.” Wow, they took time from raising taxes and cutting spending to tackle this controversial issue. At least they’re in favor of somebody. Some folks around Columbus ain’t even sure they’re pro-Ohio. But these Senators up for re-election will survive this November as long as they don’t adopt a resolution that’s pro-Michigan.

“Pope gives mixed signals: condemns abuse, but hints at forgiveness.” Even the Cardinals said they were confused by his message. Well, some of you may recollect, the Disciples didn’t always understand what our Savior said at the time either.

“Blake asked two stuntmen to kill wife.” Don’t bank on this Hollywood sex drama to draw as big a crowd as O.J. or Cleopatra. It will fizzle at the box office quicker than Mariah Carey.

I read some good news in a West Virginia newspaper. They are going to let 4-H keep their Indian traditions after all. If you live in one of the other 49, see if you can get your 4-H camps to pick up on it.

In Australia and New Zealand they celebrated ANZAC Day this week. Now that shows how two great nations can live peacefully as neighbors. About the only thing they ever fight over is rugby, soccer and cricket, and cricket takes so many days to finish a match they’re too tired to argue politics. What Israel and Palestine need is a Day every year they can celebrate together. Just pick one when the weather might be favorable for a picnic and declare it I-Pal Day. Who knows, it might work so well they won’t need to be separated by 20 miles.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A lady in Chicago is arrested for killing a casual acquaintance. That’s news. If she had killed her husband or lover that would be commonplace. But friends are seldom killed. What does the 8th chapter, second verse of the first book of Matthew teach us? That verse should be enough to teach us that friendship should be trusted. We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” WA #49, Nov. 18, 1923