Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
ISSUE #230
#230 May 22, 2002

KANSAS CITY, Missouri: I flew here from Columbus on American this week. It is discouraging to look down on so much farm land with nothing growing. Much of it still too wet to work, some is under water.

Folks from Washington are out here explaining the Farm Bill to farmers. The simplest deciphering I’ve heard so far is this one: “Raise what Texas raises, and you’ll collect a check.” Also: “If you milk what Vermont milks, it won’t turn sour on you.”

They say the grain farmer can collect funds in three ways. But it’s all from one source, the U.S. taxpayer. So folks are asking, where does the taxpayer go to get an understanding of his role in this transaction.

This must be the season for states to announce their budgets. Missouri is short of money, but I didn’t hear any details. Ohio joined that big multi-state lottery, Mega Millions, in hopes they could balance the budget. No luck on the first drawing… the winner was from Chicago. Gov. Taft has been unsuccessful in persuading him to move to Cleveland. And, if a fellow from Cleveland does happen to win, say, a $200 million jackpot in the next year or two, what’s to keep him from moving himself and his dough to Florida.

North Carolina passed a budget, using lottery profits to balance it. Only problem is they don’t have a lottery. Ohio will be happy to sell ’em some tickets.

Ohio also raised cigaret taxes fifty cents. Kentucky doesn’t charge any tax to speak of, so Ohio is preparing to block all the bridges to the Bluegrass state, and sink any boats on the river.

I read where some unemployed lawyers, having exhausted the supply of people to defend, are wanting to represent chimps. Since the bank account of the average chimp is insufficient to cover the retainer, they want us to pick up the hourly fee. If you give a chimp a lawyer, why, before you know it he’ll demand the right to buy a gun. A chimp with a loaded gun could be as dangerous as a chimp with a lawyer.

I’m heading back to Columbus tonight. Tiger Woods is playing the Memorial tournament this week, and he won the last three times here. We’ll see if Jack Nicklaus has any surprises for him.

Sad news from Washington tonight. Chandra Levy’s body was found, by a dog. The murderer left her body hidden in thick weeds and underbrush, not out in the open areas where the police had searched thoroughly. Three times. The Police Chief said they have a dog, but he was only allowed to search a limited number of hours a day. Sounds like that dog has a lawyer. Officials are scouring the area for clues. They already found bone fragments, shoes, a jogging bra, and three more bodies. Until they can obtain and train a few more dogs, Washington police are appealing to prospective murderers to leave their victim in a clearly visible location.

Let’s not be too hard on Washington. Birmingham took 39 years to convict a murderer.

A terrorist has apparently threatened to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. Why would anyone want to destroy this beautiful historic bridge? He should just sell it, like everyone else.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I just give up reading murders. You no more than get a few details of one murder than the afternoon paper brings you news of another. The best read man in the country couldn’t tell you who killed who last week.” DT #2457, June 18, 1934

 

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