Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
ISSUE #239
#239 Jul 31, 2002

CHICAGO: Wasn’t that great news about those miners. It wasn’t luck either. Those old boys knew what they was doing, all of the ones on the ground, and the nine under it.

That was the best job of surveying since George Washington staked out Mt. Vernon for himself. And these fellows did it in the dark. When they said, “Drill here,” nobody argued with ’em, and the rest is history.

Did you read about those Cape Cod cowboys trying to bulldog a herd of whales? It’s tough enough to wrestle a steer while riding a fast horse, but to wrangle a whale while you’re standing knee deep in the Atlantic Ocean, it takes more nerve than the average Yale man can muster. Somehow, those sailin’ cowpokes drove a herd of 50 right out into deep water. But, the next day those same whales showed up 25 miles away on another dry beach. You know, when a whale is determined to commit suicide, there’s not much you can do to prevent it, even in Massachusetts.

Last week Congress kicked out one of their own, James Traficant of Youngstown, Ohio. And yesterday a judge put him right back on the public dole. She gave him 8 years in the federal pen, but he’s eligible to get out two years sooner if he pays a $150,000 fine, keeps his mouth shut, and gets a haircut.

Folks in Youngstown were shocked to find out he wears a wig. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to wear a hairpiece, why buy a blue light special at K-Mart?

He says he’s running for Congress from jail this November, and I don’t doubt it. He won’t win the District, but in Youngstown, of all votes cast, he’ll get at least 110 percent. Just like the last 7 elections.

Last week I told you about the drought in northwestern Ohio, but it’s nothing like some of our western states. Colorado is so short of water, in Denver the Mayor is giving voters a choice, “Instead of washing clothes, it’s ok if you don’t wear any.” And for personal hygiene, “Only wash the stinky parts.”

Now, I can understand a mayor trying to attract the summer tourists, but even Ghandi wore a loin cloth. If the men of Denver choose to wear nothing, I think they should at least bathe completely. Men have no experience at successfully choosing which body parts to scrub, and which ones to leave till next month. They don’t want to be walking down the street, and have someone yell out, “You missed a spot.”

Perhaps the local Baptist churches can be persuaded to open their doors for weekly immersion, without the necessity of being saved again. For this emergency situation they should even welcome the Methodists… sprinkling don’t provide enough relief in these hot months.

Europe has been rehearsing for a water shortage for centuries, but this is no time for us to start adopting their bathing rituals. It only works for them because they can buy French perfume wholesale.

I’m here in Chicago this week for a convention of engineers. This particular bunch don’t design skyscrapers, or pickup trucks, or computers, or tunnels that cost $20,000,000,000. No sir, most of these engineers tell me they work with living things, like plants and animals, and other things you learned about in biology class. Some of them design machines that harvest plants and feed the animals, including us.

Their new president announced that in 50 years, we’ll have 9 Billion people to feed, and water, not oil from Iraq, is what we’ll be worried about. He may be right, if we don’t dry up sooner.

Maybe these folks that choose to live up here on the shores of Lake Michigan, in the snow and rain, aren’t so foolish after all. These Great Lakes just might come in handy later on.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“Poor coffee and no bathtubs have drove more Americans out of England than unfamiliarity with their language has.” DT #849, April 16, 1929.

“Europeans are born and raised on beer and wine. They have it at their tables at every meal, the same as Alabama has quinine. Europeans have been accustomed all their lives to drink all they want, sometimes for hours at a time, and then get up and walk home, even in narrow streets. Headaches were as foreign to them as bathtubs.” How To Be Funny, May 1930


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