COLUMBUS: The Super Bowl has just ended, and Tampa Bay knocked out the Oakland Raiders (48-21). It was really the state of Florida against the state of California, and any time Florida wins that battle everybody knows it’s an upset. It is appropriate the state finally picks up a victory because this has not been a particularly fruitful year for football in Florida.
Our President is set to address Congress Tuesday night. He will inform them about the state of the union, but what they really want to know, and won’t find out, is the state of Iraq. He keeps his knowledge of Iraq hidden, about like his knowledge of every other important fact in the world today, it is all hidden. That way he keeps us on our toes. See, we don’t know if he knows all he claims to know, and keeps hidden from view, or if don’t know much at all and is just bluffing. Of course on this question we are not alone, because Saddam don’t know either.
On Iraq, don’t pay much attention to the big operations, the brigades of men (and women), and ships moving in. No, it’s the little operations that’ll get Saddam. Even if they have to take out a hundred Saddam impersonators to get him. It don’t take 10,000 soldiers, just a few of the right ones sneaked into the right places. (You know, if you’re going to look like somebody from history, Saddam would not be your first choice today. Better to look like a humorist. I don’t recall of any comedians being assassinated or bumped off, even if some of us from time to time deserve it.)
I read in the paper where a bunch of peace makers are going to Iraq. The say they want to serve as “human shields” for Saddam. I think that’s a great idea, and Mr. Bush will probably take ’em up on the offer. They seem to know right where he is, which is more than you can say about any of our Generals or the CIA.
If you happen to know any of these aspiring human shields, encourage them, and tell them to get over there quickly. Nobody has announced when the attack will occur, but the next New Moon would be a good bet. I think that’s around February 1.
If the groundhog sees his shadow, does that mean we have six more weeks of war?
Historic quotes from Will Rogers:
“BAGDAD: Finally found a telegraph office here. Persia was a hot stretch. You Bible students, stockmen and hunters better note this. Flew low all morning between Euphrates and Tigris. It’s all level prairie and uncultivated. The most animals I ever saw were there, thousands of cattle, donkeys, camels, water buffalo, deer, wild boar.” DT #1710, Jan. 15, 1932
“…what is Mosul? … It’s a province. Of course it’s not much of a place. It is not only a town, but it is an excuse for Turkey’s next war. So naturally it don’t have to be much of a town. Now where is it? It’s in Iraq. You don’t know where Iraq is? My goodness…
Iraq is a Country. It was discovered about the same time the dredge sucked Florida above sea level. Iraq has always been used as a summer resort for the Turks. It lays just west of where the Persian Rugs are supposed to come from.”
[Farther along in the same Weekly Article Will Rogers kinda interviews himself, asking a question, then answering it…]
“Do you think America stands very good with all the other Countries of the World?
We stand ALONE.
Well how good is alone?
Well, it’s pretty good as long as you can stand.
What would foreign Countries do if we needed help?
I think they would hold a celebration.
Do you think any of them would help us out?
Well, off hand I can’t think of a single one that would, unless it might be Wisconsin.” WA #164, Jan. 31, 1926