Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Monday, October 8, 2007
ISSUE #474
#474, October 8, 2007

It’s Columbus Day, but Indians and Cowboys win

COLUMBUS: Can you believe it’s Columbus Day? Our young historians can’t remember the exact date Columbus discovered America, but they’re sure it was on a Monday. That October day when Columbus waded ashore in the Carribean it may have been 90 degrees, but it took more than 500 years for it to reach 90 in Columbus, Ohio. At least in October.

There’s quite a few Indians that wonder why Columbus was ever allowed to land in the first place. Suppose we reversed it. Do you think in 1492 Queen Isabella would have ever let the Indians to sail past Gibraltar? Not a chance.

But in 2007 on Columbus Day the Indians won. Not only did they win, they beat the Yankees. Yes sir, it was the lowly Indians from Cleveland that drubbed the New York team most baseball folks picked to win the World Series.

The Indians won tonight, and so did the Cowboys. Of course that was the football Cowboys from Dallas, and they waited until the Indians won, then they kicked a field goal to beat my old friend, Buffalo Bill. Actually had to kick the ball twice for it to count. (If this sounds confusing, read the morning paper. They’ll set it straight for you.)

Well, enough about baseball and football. No wait, one more item. Saturday night Southern California invited Stanford down to Los Angeles for a college football game. Those Stanford boys may be smart but they plumb forgot they were supposed to lose by 40. Knocked off the so-called best team in the country, except maybe Louisiana State. And since it is Columbus Day, it’s fair to point out that Stanford used to be known as the Indians. The Stanford name was changed from Indians to Cardinal about the same time Columbus Day was moved from October 12 to Monday. Probably by the same well-meaning do-gooders.

That fellow who says he is running Iran (I can’t pronounce his name, let alone spell it), well, he figured his speech at Columbia University went over so good, he gave another talk and wants Israel to pick up and move, lock, stock and barrel, to either Canada or Alaska. Now this ain’t the first time it’s been suggested that countries move away from each other (see Historic Quotes). But it’s the first move ever proposed by a man backed by nuclear arms.

All and all, it ain’t such a bad suggestion. There’s parts of Canada, and even Alaska, where you could set Israel down in the wilderness, and it would be forty years before they found their way out. I doubt they would even want out.

I suggest a compromise: leave Israel where it is, and move the Iran president to a permanent Carribean Island home, a cozy little place called Gitmo.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:
“I’ve got a plan that’ll stop all wars. When you can’t agree with your neighbor you move away. Now that’s my plan. Move nations away from each other.

Take France and Germany. They can’t agree, so take France and trade places with Japan. Let Japan live there by Germany. If those two want to fight, let ’em fight. Who cares. We’d run excursions to a war like that.

We don’t always agree with Mexico. Well, trade Mexico off for Turkey, harems and all. Now we got men in this country that would get along great with Turkey.

And that would solve the Irish problem. Take England and move ’em away from Ireland. Take ’em over to Canada and let ’em live off their son-in-law. When you move England away from Ireland don’t you let Ireland know where you’re taking ’em, or they’ll follow ’em and get ’em.” From an early recording, circa mid-1920s. (Previously printed with Weekly Comments #226 in 2002)


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