No-Till Farmer Presidential Primary Results Announced: Sen. Obama and Gov. Huckabee win close contests

[This column is longer than usual, and worth it!!]

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the paper, or learn out on the campaign trail. Another Presidential Primary was conducted Friday (January 11).

I was invited to be the MC for this primary, which was scheduled to be the first in the country. We made the mistake of announcing the date months ahead, and New Hampshire and Iowa jumped us. They couldn’t risk the competition.

These two states depend on Presidential politics for revenue the way Hollywood needs the millions in gross income from Awards shows to replace the dough lost on bad movies.

Wyoming conducted a primary also, but they practically had to buy ad space to get their results in the New York Times. Main difference between Wyoming and this No-Till Farmer election is that we had more voters. This is not a dig at the fine state of Wyoming because we had a bigger population to draw from. Out of all the no-till farmers in the country, almost 800 came to Cincinnati for our convention.

You may be wondering, how did we conduct a Primary so efficiently. Well, we brought all the voters into a big banquet hall, fed ’em noodles and undercooked snap beans, then brought out the candidates one at a time to be interviewed. Unlike these long-winded televised debates, we completed the whole process in about twenty minutes, and everybody marked a ballot. In another ten minutes the votes were tallied. No time for pundits to argue over exit polls.

In the public interest, and to show those other states how to conduct an honest election humorously and without commercial interruption, here’s a sampling of the intellectual exchanges between yours truly and the candidates or their representatives:

[Note to readers: Will Rogers often conducted “interviews” with politicians, where he wrote both sides of the conversation.]

“Welcome our first candidate, Senator John Edwards.”

He came on stage, primping, “How do I look?”

I asked, “Is it true you are for Change?”

He answered, “I’m for Change. Change for the country. Change for the world. Change for you.”

“So far you aren’t doing so well. If you eventually lose, will you still work for change?”

He said, “Work for change? Are you kidding? I’m a trial lawyer; we don’t work for change, we work for dollars. Millions of dollars. If I get defeated I’ll take it like a man, move on, and get back to work. Then I’ll feel better soon as I find somebody to sue. Maybe Monsanto.”

Next came Dennis Kucinich, the boyish-looking Congressman from Cleveland. I asked, “Are you running as Ohio’s Favorite Son?”

He said, “Actually, I’m running as Ohio’s Favorite Grandson.”

Fred Thompson sent his lovely, young wife to represent him. “My husband would have been here himself, but he’s resting up.”

I said, “Well, it’s easy for someone his age to get exhausted campaigning.”

She said, “Campaigning? Honey, it’s not the campaign he’s resting up from. Now, if it’s ok with you, I’m going to go get better acquainted with these voters.”

Next was Mike Huckabee, former governor of a fine agricultural state, and a Baptist preacher. He jumped right in, “After Fred’s wife gets through with this crowd, we may all need to pray for forgiveness of our sins.”

I asked, “Will your religion be a problem in the election?”

He said, “I’ve been asked if I believe only Baptists can get into Heaven. No, of course not. And there’s some Baptists I’ve met here that won’t get in either.”

Rudy Giuliani’s wife was next. “My husband skipped Iowa and New Hampshire. We always wanted the National No-Till Primary to be our first.” Well, that got applause. But, as it turned out, not many votes.

I asked, “Where’s Rudy today.”

She said, “Oh, he had to stay home. He’s behind on writing alimony checks.”

“Are you his second wife?”

She answered, “Actually third. But I’m the youngest. And prettiest, don’t you think?”

We were interrupted by an attractive young lady bounding across the stage. I asked, “Who are you, and what are you doing up here?”

She said breathlessly, “I’m gonna be Rudy Giuliani’s next wife.”

This shocked the current wife, “You can’t take my Rudy. When he’s President, I want to be First Lady.”

Future wife, “Well, ok. You keep him first term. But I get him for the second.”

Current wife, “Let’s go out here and work the crowd. We’ve got that Thompson witch outnumbered.”

Mitt Romney was next. “My wife is at home. And unlike Rudy, I want you folks to know I only have one wife.”

I asked, “What’s your plan to get elected?”

He said, “Spend lots of money. In Iowa every vote I got cost me about $200. Mostly for television commercials. Starting with this No-Till Primary, I have a new plan. I’ll pay directly for each vote.” As he held up a handful of cash, he asked, “Ok, who’ll vote for Romney?”

Not many took him up on the offer. He would’ve got more if corn was still $2.00 a bushel.

We also had conversations on stage with Ron Paul and John McCain.

Barack Obama couldn’t make it to Cincinnati, and neither could Oprah.

The star attraction was Senator Hillary Clinton. She came on stage wearing a skirt. Yes, a skirt. And a tight sweater. She came strolling across the stage, kinda like she got lessons on how to walk from Paris Hilton. Bill was trailing close behind.

She said, “You folks know that last week I was in New Hampshire. I listened to the people there, and in the process I found my true voice. This week I’ve been listening to no-till farmers… and I found the rest of me.”

I tried to interview our former President, but Hillary kept strutting back and forth in front of us, stealing all the attention including his. After being ignored on questions about Pakistan and Russia, I finally got his attention for one: “Didn’t eight years in the White House make you an expert on foreign affairs?”

He grinned, “Actually I’m an expert on all kind of affairs. But right now I’m only interested in Hillary. Take a look at this woman. I’ve never seen her like this. She’s got legs, and everything.”

She heard this, “Oh Bill, you noticed. Do you really think I’m hot? I’m gonna cry.”

I finally got her back on topic, “Earlier John Edwards said he’s for change. Are you for change too?”

She said, “Oh yes. Look at my experience. I’ve been working 35 years for change. Mainly working to change Bill.”

Gov. Bill Richardson was here earlier; got one look at Hillary, and conceded the election.

The results of the National No-Till Primary election are as follows: For the Democrats, Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by only 3 votes, with John Edwards a distant third. Dennis Kucinich was fourth.

For the Republicans, Mike Huckabee beat John McCain by 4 votes. Far back were Fred Thompson, Ron Paul and Mitt Romney. Rudy Giuliani was last, kinda like a late-closing race horse.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Elections are a good deal like marriages, there’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it’s the same with Public Officials.” WA #126, May 10, 1925