Lonesome Will writes on Senators, wind and oil

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the paper or see on television. I must be the only news hound left here this week. There’s at least two thousand of ’em following Senator Obama on his travels to Iraq, Afghanistan and ending up in Europe. But most of those birds have chosen to follow him only after he reaches Europe. We won’t know till later whether those journalists are on assignment or on vacation. It’s probably for the best that they stay out of Iraq. The Shiites and Sunnis are finally talking instead of shooting at each other, so we don’t need our television reporters to go there and rile ’em.

The Tour de France bicycle race is going on over there. Based on the early results, if they can locate a serious bicyclist who’s not on drugs, he will be declared the winner.

Former Senator and Vice-President Al Gore was on Meet The Press promoting wind and solar and various energy saving means. He was quick to point out that drilling 50 miles off our coasts is not an alternative to oil imports because it would take 15 years for the oil to reach shore. Now, I realize that some of our bigger vehicles only get ten miles per gallon, but that’s pretty good compared to three and a third miles per year. Whether windmills could replace our oil imports in 15 years, he didn’t say.

I read where Rock Port, Missouri, claims to be the “first U.S. town powered solely by wind.” That’s an admirable accomplishment, but they are mistaken. Rock Port is the second town powered solely by wind. The first is Washington, DC.

The world is waiting for the answer to the next big suspense thriller, How will The New Yorker magazine’s next cover depict Cindy and John McCain? He’ll probably be in a rocking chair, reading an Econ 101 textbook, while his wife, the erstwhile Budweiser distributor, is listening to the Rosetta Stone tapes on “How to speak Belgian”.

Yes, I know, even Belgians don’t speak Belgian, which may be why Senator Obama is visiting Germany, France and England, but not Belgium.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(Will’s interpretation of a piece of Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar”)
“Mark Anthony was the first District attorney to have ambitions of becoming Governor. When he started speaking they couldn’t tell if he was for Caesar or against him, for it was the first time that satire had ever been used publically. When he kept saying, “Brutus was an honorable man,” why Brutus was taking it on the level, and he had to repeat it over twenty times to drive home his brand of humor.
…Mark Anthony made a wonderful speech. But it practically ruined all Senates to follow, for they have figured that all legislation must be based on oratory, and make up in gestures what you lack in ideas. So all these intervening years Senators have tried to emulate Anthony, and the only thing they have ever approached him in is endurance. Mark Anthony had one quality that the boys following have never been able to grasp: he didn’t take himself seriously.” WA 371, February 2, 1930

“Well all I know is just what I read in the papers, and what I run into hither and yon. You know I like to make little jokes and kid about the Senators. They are a kind of a never ending source of amusement, amazement, and Discouragement. But the Rascals, when you meet ’em face to face and know ’em, they are mighty nice fellows. It must be something in the office that makes ’em so ornery sometimes. When you see what they do officially you want to shoot ’em, but when one looks at you and grins so innocently, why you kinder want to kiss him. WA #345, August 4, 1929