Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Sunday, August 17, 2008
ISSUE #513
#513 August 17, 2008

Michael Phelps gets Gold; Russia settles for Land

COLUMBUS: Russian diplomats announced in the newspapers they will start pulling out of Georgia on Monday. And they promise to finish pulling out by Friday, August 22. Of course that’s August 2038.

Our newspapers would save a lot of front page space if they only report on what Russia does, not what they say. Their diplomats say “Retreat”, their Generals say “Charge”, and their tanks listen only to the Generals.

I’ve heard a lot of blather on what we should do to Russia. No one has suggested that Germany and Poland get together and bomb Moscow. So that might work.

Europe makes fun of us for complaining about gasoline costing $4 a gallon. Well, if Europe would just tell Russia, “We don’t want your oil and gas”, now that would do it for sure. All of Europe is on vacation this month, so let everyone stay put, don’t drive, don’t fly. Russia would buckle first, because Putin can’t do without oil dough near as long as a European can go without working.

Tension is building for Democrats and Republicans. Both Senator Obama and Senator McCain are getting around to naming a Vice-President. They feel compelled to pick one, although the country would prefer to go without.

Obama plans to use the most up-to-date technology and send out his announcement by text message to 50 million supporters. McCain says he’ll use his latest technology and send telegrams.

But it won’t matter how these candidates intend to announce their V-P, some news hound will dig up a clue and put it out first. Don’t be surprised if it’s the National Enquirer.

Over in China, Michael Phelps cleaned up with 8 Gold medals in swimming. It’s a great accomplishment, never been done before, but is it 8 times greater than our basketball team maybe getting 1? Suppose basketball was divided up like swimming. You’d have 4 on 4 basketball, 3 on 3, 2 on 2; even HORSE. Maybe play one day on a short court, and the next day on a long one. Add a basketball relay for dribbling and another for dunking. Then LeBron and Kobe would have an equal chance with Michael.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“If I wanted to start an insane asylum that would be 100 percent cuckoo, I would just admit applicants that thought they knew something about Russia.” DT #1291, Sept. 14, 1930

“Russia is a country that looks like it was invented for arguments’ sake.” Notes, undated

“The whole (Republican Convention) has degenerated into nothing but a dog fight for Vice President…. Men who two days ago wouldn’t even speak to a Vice-President, are now trying to get to be one. They have weeded the Vice-Presidential candidates down now to just the following: ninety-six Senators, 435 Congressmen and forty-eight Governors.” June 13, 1928

“(The Democrats) will try to straddle (Prohibition) the same way the Republicans did…. Anything that is done will have an awful good chance of having some comedy attached.
For there is only THREE other things to do, and here they are: Nominate with Al Smith a dry Vice-President. Well there is a surefire laugh, for you then have an animal with a WET head and a DRY tail. Now you may salve the drys with a dry Vice-President. But up to now no one has ever paid enough attention to one to know if he is pickled or petrified.
The next thing they can do is nominate for Vice-President a man that no one knows whether he is wet or dry. In other words, a man that has remained of so little interest to the country that no one has ever taken the trouble to find out.
The third plan, is to nominate anybody, either wet or dry, as Vice-President and then put in the platform a strictly dry plank. That brings more laughs. Smith, running on a dry platform. That’s like turning a whale loose in Death Valley.” 
June 25, 1928


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