Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Sunday, May 3, 2009
ISSUE #549
#549 May 3, 2009

Weekly Comments: Will is Whole Hog against Swine Flu

COLUMBUS: Today, I’m standing tall on my soap box, espousing total and unending support for a downtrodden minority: swine.

Over the last hundred years we’ve had the Spanish flu, Asian flu and Hong Kong flu. And now along comes another flu that started in Mexico. So they named it Swine flu. Whoa, why not Mexican flu, or Cancun flu? It just don’t seem fair to innocent hogs.

For these people with swine flu across the country and in different countries, they had all been in Mexico, and not a one of them caught it from a hog. Odds of a hog getting the virus from a man are way better than vice versa. In fact in Canada, a worker on a hog farm returned from Mexico and infected the hogs. But good news, they called in a Veterinarian who treated ’em all, including the man, and they are doing fine.

Some folks suggested the President should close the Mexican border. What a joke! They can’t keep out tons of cocaine, illegal immigrants and kidnappers; what chance do they have against a flu virus. Those clamoring for a closed border aren’t quite clear whether it’s to keep out pigs or people.

The only humanitarian reason for not calling it Mexican flu is more Mexicans vote in our elections than hog farmers. Near as I can tell, everyone’s calling it Swine flu – the federal government, television, newspapers…, everybody except Israel. Doctors say the right name is H1N1 so I propose we all rally behind this catchy name. Let’s agree on H1N1, dispense with blaming the flu on 4-legged porkers, and celebrate with a slab of bacon for breakfast.

Meanwhile in Washington, where pork is served with nearly every bill, Senator Specter woke up last week, looked in the mirror, shed his Republican cloak and emerged a Democrat.

Meanwhile the Republicans leaped into action. Like college coaches, they’re recruiting. Trying to persuade a couple of Democrat Senators to cross over to the GOP. Really, Senator Specter is more like the Pennsylvania version of Louisiana’s Huey Long. He’ll hold out on voting till he sees which side offers the most for Pennsylvania.

We’re getting another Supreme Court justice. You’ll hear various sides and special interests spouting off that “our candidate is the smartest lawyer in America”. Well, I don’t care if they’re smart. Just give us someone with common sense who can read. Put the old Constitution in front of ’em and say, “Here’s your bible; go home and read it before October.”

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“See this morning where the Supreme Court says Negroes in Texas have the right to vote at Democratic primaries. Certainly will seem funny to see the Negroes and the whites voting the same ticket. First thing you know they will be allowing a white Republican to associate with a white Democrat in the South. It’s before the Supreme Court now. Yours for quality in politics regardless of quantity and color.” DT #191, March 8, 1927

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