# 329, July 30, 2004

COLUMBUS: Like most of you this week, I’ve been watching television. One night, in the same time slot, we saw Last Comic Standing, Extreme Makeover and the Democratic National Convention.

It was confusing. When Dennis Kucinich left the stage I swear I saw a phone number where you could vote to bring him back next week. When a commentator marveled at Mrs. Heinz-Kerry’s appearance at age 65, I was thankful they skipped the part where they show the crayon marks on the face and the bandages.

All the signs said it was the Democratic National Convention, but I hardly recognized it. No fights over the platform. No arguments over seating the delegates. No hissing the speakers.

Even Senator Lieberman saw the transformation, and quoted “me” on television to prove it, “The Democrat Party of this convention sure is not the one Will Rogers joked about when he said ‘I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.'”

Mr. Kerry and Mr. Edwards both made fine speeches. They were speeches aimed at persuading the undecided American voter, all 17 of them. They are already counting on the votes of the 5000 delegates in the hall, and most of the 15,000 journalists.

Speaking of make overs, tonight I heard where you can get liposuction on the installment plan. Kinda like buying a new car, the doctor removes the fat, and you pay him over the next 36 months, plus interest about 12 percent above Mr. Greenspan’s rate.

I wonder how many renege on the deal, and stop payment on the loan? How would you like to be the repo guy? And just how would that work? I suppose they would have to haul around a wash tub filled with excess flesh, and if you don’t pay up, they pump it back in.

It’s a great business for the plastic surgeons because by the time the payments run out you’ll likely have gained it all back and you’ll want it drawn off again.

Kerry and Bush are coming to Ohio tomorrow, so I’m heading for Canada. They’ll both set up a permanent camp here, leaving only for short day trips to Michigan, Pennsylvania and West Virginia, with an occasional weekend in Florida. By November, you folks in the quiet, peaceful, uncontested states are going to owe Ohio. Big time.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: Democratic Convention, 1932

“No convention today. The Democrats met, talked, agreed and adjourned. So the day was a total loss. The convention officially opens tomorrow.

It wasn’t even a rehearsal today. Nobody fought, nobody even split the party.

Well, if you ever saw a disgusted bunch of people leaving a hall, it was all of us today.

Here people had traveled hundreds of miles, joined delegations, some come as spectators and paid fancy prices to see what? To see 1,100 delegates sit there and act like a lot of Republicans.

Why, there wasn’t an argument in a carload.

Cheered everything; hissed nothing, why it made me almost ashamed I was a Democrat! Here we have written about it, advertised it as a combat, a gigantic struggle of candidates, and conflicting platforms, and then everybody goes out kissing each other.” Convention Articles, June 27, 1932

“They was Democrats today, and we was all proud of ’em. They fought, they fit, they split, and adjourned in a dandy wave of dissension. That’s the old Democratic spirit. A whole day wasted and nothing done. I tell you they are getting back to normal.” Convention Articles, June 29, 1932