In case you haven’t heard, Congress is a mess. John Boehner wants to retire as House Speaker but they can’t find anyone to replace him, at least no one the Republicans can agree on. For the sake of the country and to preserve the Union, I’m willing to sacrifice any honor and good will garnered over the years of poking fun at those folks that inhabit the old joke factory.
Therefore, I am prepared in these turbulent times to succumb to a “Draft Will Rogers for Speaker” campaign.
Yes, Daniel Webster is a candidate. Daniel Webster? He must be two hundred years old. Some folks want to draft young Paul Ryan but he says being Speaker would take too much time away from his small children. (In 2012 he actually wanted to be Vice-President, which gives you an idea how strenuous that job must be.) So I’m your compromise candidate, not too old, not too young.
For years folks have asked me, “Where do you get your humorous material?” I tell ‘em, I just watch Congress and report the facts. Don’t even have to exaggerate. Well, there couldn’t possibly be a better spot to collect the hilarious comments from those 435 birds than to sit in the seat of the Speaker and take notes.
You probably know my statue is in the Capitol hallway positioned to keep an eye on the House. They walk by every day, usually ignoring my learned wisdom. They stop and talk to the TV cameras right in front of me, with me smiling at ‘em over their shoulder. They act like I’m not even there. Well, if elected I’m gonna move my statue up there beside the Speaker chair. They can’t ignore my homely stare when I’m in front of them 24/7.
I don’t have enough dough to influence any member of Congress. So I’ll just hand each one a small but meaningful gift of chocolate. A friend in Delaware molds chocolate in the shape of gears. How’s that for a winning symbol? Rogers can get the wheels of Congress turning again! The gears in their transmission aren’t meshing; they’re grinding. I’ll get the gears synchronized, running smooth, well oiled. If I order a few hundred of those chocolate gears, I bet I could impose on Joe Biden to bring ‘em to Washington. He goes home every weekend on Amtrak, and I bet he would do it. I met him once when I was invited to speak at a big Delaware agriculture dinner. Nice man, and funny.
I can get along with all varieties of Republicans. I know I can count on the full support of my Oklahoma Congressman Markwayne Mullin. I’ve been around long enough to be considered Establishment. And I like Tea. Especially sweet tea. Even the Democrats would support me. For many years I used to say, “I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.” Now it’s the Republicans who are desperate and in disarray.
I understand better than any other possible candidate that things in this country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
I realize there is no shortage of comedy emanating from the House chamber. Mine will be the only intentional comedy. Any tears will be tears of joy.
Now I admit it would be quite a sacrifice to go to Washington. But I should not complain if the country needs me until common sense prevails after the 2016 election. And the Speaker does have a really nice office.