Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Sunday, March 31, 2019
ISSUE #967
New elite university. Let the bidding begin.

You have heard about the college scandals where rich parents paid to get their kid into a famous university.

Well, I’ve got a solution. And no wealthy mom or dad will be embarrassed or thrown in jail.

Today, I am announcing the founding of a new, top-notch, elite, private college. This superior, exclusive school will outrank any of the well-known universities worldwide. It will be unique because there is no usual tuition or academic requirement. No one will get in trouble for paying vast sums of money.

Here’s how it works. Entry is based on amount offered. If you want your son or daughter to be accepted, bid high. We will accept only the highest 250 bids the first year, with bidding starting at $250,000. Yes, don’t be surprised if some of these Hollywood stars offer 4 or 5 million dollars.

You may wonder, will they get a good education? Yes, because we will have the best professors. See, the professors get to keep a third of the loot. Why, they could easily make a million a year, and not have to write any grant proposals to get it. No research articles to write or meetings to sit though; just teach. They’ll be calling up from Yale, and Stanford, and these other big universities begging to join our faculty. Classes will be small, so there will be plenty of individual attention.

Where is this university? Well, I considered California or New York. That’s where the money is. But taxes are so high that no high paid professor would want to move there. After considering all the options, we have landed in Florida, near Orlando. I figure all these wealthy families have spent vacations at Disney World so they’re familiar with the area. And knowing they can go there any time they are not in class will be an attraction.

What’s the name, you might ask. Well, that’s up for bid also. It worked for a little college in North Carolina that sold out to a tobacco magnate named Duke. If some rich man wants his name attached to an elite university instead of buying an NFL football team, for example, we’re available. A billion dollars ought to do it.

We have no discrimination for students, no quotas. Nationality doesn’t matter. Democrat, Republican, Black, White, Catholic, Jew, Methodist… everyone’s welcome. If you’ve got the money and are willing to part with it, you’re in.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“College, I think, is better for the parents than it is for the students. You see, what you do is send the kid out of the home just as he reaches the arguing stage of life.” Notes, undated

(In a tribute to Mothers on Mother’s Day, Will added this.) “Father had a day, but you can’t find anybody who remembers when it was…  It’s been so confused with April the first.” Radio, May 12, 1935

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