“Truly one of your best.”  George G. (a faithful reader of Weekly Comments)

#447, March 12, 2007

COLUMBUS: President Bush is in South America. He’s down there to spread good will among the natives and learn how to make ethanol from sugar cane. If he also learns how to live through a Revolution without getting shot, it will be a worthwhile trip for Republicans. South America is known for Revolutions, but the survival rate for their ex-Presidents is mighty low.

Mr. Chavez of Venezuela sent a few hundred of his unemployed to kinda greet our President at every stop. These protesters remind him of the Democrats in Congress except these birds throw rocks instead of just barbs.

Mr. Bush should know that making ethanol is not a problem. There’s old men in the hills of Tennessee and Virginia who can teach him all he needs to know. And making ethanol from sugar cane is not the problem. The problem facing the country today is how to grow sugar cane in Iowa. That’s the problem. What we need is a Luther Burbank or George Washington Carver to crossbreed cane with Indian corn so you can squeeze the stalks and get ethanol, and shuck the ears and get enough corn to satisfy the hogs, cattle and Kellogg’s.

In other news, arguments continue over Anna Nicole’s baby. Not over the baby actually, but over the inheritance. Take away the inheritance, and the shyster lawyers would drop off the news overnight. Meanwhile, Hollywood starlets are lining up to get implants in hopes of being picked to play Anna in the movie. At 127, I’m almost old enough to play her billionaire husband.

Last week’s Presidential straw poll is drawing interest beyond any expectations. Where these other polls question a dozen voters, then report that so-and-so is leading by a 7 to 5 margin, ours attracted way more than a dozen. You can still vote through next Sunday, and so as not to influence the outcome, I will not report any partial results except to tell you a few write-ins have out-polled proclaimed candidates.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am leaving for everything south of the equator. Revolutions are thicker down there than Roosevelt Republicans. Am flying down the west coast by Chili, then to Argentina for a week, and up the east coast by Brazil. I will see more in a week than a New York gossip artist can see in five years of keyholes. South America is our coming country, so it’s good to know where it’s at.” DT # 1929, Oct. 10, 1032

“Say, they got a little country down here named Uruguay. Saw their big football stadium. For five straight years they have had the champion football soccer team in the world, and they play any country. The referee stays inside a big wire net where the spectators can’t get at him. Down here the people vote on whether they will hold a football game or a revolution, both equal in casualties.” DT #1939, Oct. 21, 1932

“Horses raises what the farmer eats, and eat what the farmer raises. But you can’t plow the ground and get gasoline.” DT #1967, Nov. 23, 1932 [Of course today you can plow the ground and get ethanol. But really you don’t need to plow, just no-till plant your corn.]