(Note: results are revealed in #448 (March 18)
#446, March 5, 2007
COLUMBUS: Politics heated up this week. You know, it’s kind of embarrassing for a country to be goaded into deciding on a new President 22 months before the old one retires.
The old Conservatives met in Washington, D.C., and held a straw poll. Being good Republicans they worked it out so just about everybody drew a long straw. Governor Romney somehow drew one more vote than the man in second place, so he claimed to be the big winner.
In Selma, Alabama, Senators Clinton and Obama preached in separate churches and drew straws for the Baptist vote. Their main contest appeared to be over who could look and sound the most Southern. Meanwhile, John Edwards (who IS southern) stayed at home in South Carolina.
I’m sure that many readers of this humble column are wringing their hands, frustrated at being left out of the President-picking process. You deserve a chance to make your vote count, to have a say in the race, even ahead of New Hampshire or Iowa or Nevada or Mexico. Well, here’s your chance.
I’ll add all the votes, fairly and without malice. Who knows, we might be picked up by Associated Press. And if the vote tally is screwy enough it might even land on CNN or Fox.
_____ Hillary Clinton
_____ Barack Obama
_____ Bill Richardson
_____ John Edwards
_____ Dennis Kucinich
_____ Al Gore
_____ Mitt Romney
_____ Sam Brownback
_____ Rudy Giuliani
_____ John McCain
_____ Newt Gingrich
_____ Duncan Hunter
_____ None of the above! (Write-ins count, too.)
Historic quote from Will Rogers:
“The Literary Digest loves to straw vote on subjects that everybody is arguing over at the time. Well, here is one that is creating more dust than the one they are voting on now, so I propose they start a straw vote at once on the following: “Will people vote on Prohibition at the polls (where they have to sign their names) the same as they do in a straw vote? Please vote either Yes or No.” You see the Literary Digest put in a middle vote (the modification plan). Now, both the wets and the drys are claiming that vote, so let’s get started straw voting on my plan, no confusing planks.” DT #1164, April 18, 1930