COLUMBUS, Ohio: I’m a day late because I got home last night from a conference (more details below) in Herndon, Virginia, a suburb of Washington. We didn’t see any National Guard or federal officers in the vicinity of our Marriott. And I didn’t hear of any murders or stolen cars there either. My Ford pickup sat in the parking lot for four days, unscathed.

According to President Trump, Washington has gone 12 days without a murder. That just shows what an extra thousand heavily armed officers can do in a city that’s only 10 miles across. The want-to-be criminals are getting a clear message: if there’s a guy in DC you want to kill, first you have to come up with a plan to lure him to Baltimore.

Did you see the latest idea to stop illegal immigration? The 30-foot wall of steel I-beams along the Rio Grande apparently is not stopping intruders who are experienced climbers. Homeland Secretary, Kristi Noem, came up with a plan. She found a hot deal on black paint and ordered a million gallons. I’m not sure if she intended to buy a million gallons, or just hit the wrong button on her Amazon order.

Secretary Noem knows from growing up on a ranch in South Dakota that black steel can get mighty hot in the summer sun. She decided that painting those tall I-beams black would get ‘em so hot it would curtail the climbers. On paper, it looks like a good plan. But she and her partners forgot a couple of minor details. When the sun goes down, black steel is the same temperature as plain old rusty steel. And prospective illegal immigrants who can’t wait until sundown can buy a pair of oven mitts. Or insulated work gloves.

President Trump and the Trump family got good news from a New York court. You may remember that NY Attorney General Letitia James demanded they come up with $500,000,000,000.00 (including interest) before Trump could appeal the ruling. The Appeals Court threw out the excessive fine.

Since that $500 Billion load is off his back, the President can help Secretary Noem buy more paint. And he might kick in enough to buy a couple of high-powered paint sprayers so she doesn’t have to use a roller with a telescopic handle to reach the top.

The conference I attended in Herndon, VA, is the Veteran Speakers Retreat. In this case, “veteran” means older, not military. The founder of this great group, however, is a veteran of WWII, 97-year-old Dave Yoho. He continues to speak with a strong voice, and is often called on to speak for, and represent, those who served in WWII. (Do the math and you’ll realize he lied about his age to join the Merchant Marines.)  For our annual 4-day retreat, the group is limited to about 75, including a few spouses. Many are still in their prime as professional speakers. Eleven attendees are past-presidents of the National Speakers Association. I feel honored to be included.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

        “I am not going to tell you any jokes today. A comedian is not supposed to be serious nor to know much. As long as he is silly enough to get laughs, why, people let it go at that. But I claim you have to have a serious streak in you or you can’t see the funny side in the other fellow.” WA #13, March 11, 1923