Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Saturday, July 10, 2004
ISSUE #327
Weekly Comments: Sen. Kerry passes on Rogers, chooses Edwards

# 327, July 10, 2004

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio:  Well, just like in 1924, my “campaign” for the V-P slot got off the ground too late. When a spell-binding orator has been running for Vice President since February, that’s too many promises for an amateur to overcome in a few hours.

Mr. Kerry seems quite pleased with his choice of John Edwards. His speeches remind a lot of folks of William Jennings Bryan, the “Great Commoner”. You can discount about three-fourths of what the Republicans are saying about him. They weren’t too keen on Bryan either.

The selection gives us an inkling of what a President Kerry would do if bin Laden attacked us again. Nobody has asked him this question, but I know his answer… He would immediately send Vice President Edwards to the World Court, and sue bin Laden for a trillion dollars. I wouldn’t bet against him winning either, because he gets to keep a third. But don’t complain; we get to divvy up the other two-thirds, after deducting expenses, so we would each clear about $12.50.

The new report from Congress says the CIA got it wrong in Iraq when they claimed Saddam Hussein had Weapons of Mass Destruction. But this Congressional report was not absolutely honest either. They said “Saddam didn’t have any WMD.” What it should have said is “he didn’t have any WMD left.” See, when you use up all of your poison gas on the Kurds, Saddam figured that solved two problems.

Today I’m in Springfield, at the old high school where Jonathan Winters learned comedy by practicing on the teachers. They had another famous graduate, James Rhodes, but he took his comedy to Columbus instead of Hollywood and got elected Governor four times.

I’m here today to help this county select their top 4-H members to compete at the State Fair. They’ve got some dandies… bright, prepared, and they’re such good speakers at 10 or 12 years old, why in a few years they could rank up there with Edwards and Bryan.

Now you might think a town that produced a Governor and a comedian would have a hard time topping those feats. But Springfield did. See, in 1902 a man named A. B. Graham invented a new organization for young folks, and he called it 4-H. So the next time you hear something good about what a fine 4-H boy or girl did in your community, you’ll know the club got its start in Springfield, Ohio.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well a state wouldn’t be a state unless it had a Springfield. Springfields are as numerous now as Hollywoods will be in the next generation. But Ohio has the original Springfield. It sure is a dandy little city. I caught it at its worst, when it was putting on a Booster Week. People in a town during a “booster” week can’t hardly wait till the following Monday to start in knocking the town again.” WA #151, Nov. 1, 1925

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