Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
ISSUE #314
Weekly Comments: Will campaigns for moratorium on campaigning

# 314, March 17, 2004

COLUMBUS: First, on behalf of Columbus, let me thank Las Vegas for capturing our highway sniper. And just in time, too. We’ve got thousands of college basketball fans coming to town this weekend from Kentucky, Illinois, Washington, even Cincinnati. And that’s just for the men’s teams. The women are playing here, too. Columbus hasn’t seen this much basketball talent since Jerry Lucas and John Havlicek. So Columbus roads are safe now. We only have to look out for each other.

Bin Ladin’s bunch struck again, in Madrid. They thought they blew up a few trains, but really, what they blew up was an election.

Then they set off a bomb in the heart of Baghdad today. In Iraq they don’t want to influence an election, they don’t want ’em to have one at all. Now we’ve got a billion Muslims in the world, and they sure don’t all cheer against us. But if even one percent pledge their allegiance to Al-Qaida, or even just one percent of one percent, that’s still enough to keep the world on edge. No, it’s not fair to ask these good, peace-loving Muslims to step in and put a halt to Al-Qaida and all this terror. It’s not fair, but nobody else can stop them, so we have to ask them to at least try. Lord knows the other religions ain’t done such a great job of controlling their own renegades either. You can think of your own examples, there’s plenty to choose from, and you won’t have to go outside your own particular brand of beliefs.

Back here in America, we’ve got a campaign going on. It’s almost 8 months till the election, but the way they are hammering each other, you would think it’s next week. Have you noticed they always seem to know just what the other side is going to say, and when he is to say it? And a minute or two later they come out and refute it?

If I had accidently said something negative about Mr. Kerry, for example, early in this “Weekly Comments”, why before I got to the Historic Quote, the Democrats would be denying the accusation, and turn around and make one of their own about Mr. Bush. And vice versa.

They have this technique perfected to the point where you almost believe they are writing each other’s speeches. Now, if they do have spies snooping on each other, they are both doing it so successfully I’ve got a suggestion. It’s not only a suggestion that’ll increase their popularity with the voting public, on both sides, it’s liable to change civilization as we know it.

Here’s my idea… you call a one-month moratorium in the campaign, (that would double their popularity right there), and you take all these Democrats and Republicans that are spying on each other and send them to Afghanistan and Iraq, and let them spy on the terrorists. They would be such an improvement on the ones already there, they would not only smoke out bin Ladin, they would likely find out where Saddam buried his chemical weapons. If that don’t work, maybe we can trick bin Ladin into visiting Las Vegas.

I’m heading to Ireland later this week, for their big Spring Festival. Not to confuse you, this Ireland is in West Virginia, not Europe. They carry on tradition and have a lot of fun doing it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I like Ireland and Mexico better than any other Countries. They both got humor, and while they both think they take life serious, they don’t. They will joke with you, sing with you, drink with you and, if you want, fight with you – or against you, whichever you want – and I think if they like you well enough they would die with you.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928


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