Weekly Comments Archive
Archived Issue
Friday, August 29, 2003
ISSUE #287
Will Rogers for Governor, Week 3

August 29, 2003

COLUMBUS: Before I get back on the California campaign trail, I must throw in a comment on the judicial situation in one of our fine southern states. This is an authentic quote (March 17, 1935), with three words added. “Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they can be understood. They’re the same for (everybody).” Even in Alabama.

In this California race, Arnold says in his younger Hollywood actor days he practiced what you and I might modestly call “unusual sex habits”. Personally I think this admission is just an underhanded attempt to steal votes from Larry Flint.

He also aims to get the votes of all drug users in California, and if he can pull that off too, it’ll give him a majority for sure. So Cruz and I have our work cut out for us.

Last week I promised you a debate with Mr. Bustamante, so I’ve got to dig up something we can disagree on. He’s a farm boy who grew up to become a politician. I’m a cowboy who never grew up, and therefore became a humorist.

As a boy he picked cotton, so I will concede to him the votes of all who pick cotton by hand if he’ll give me all the ranchers and dairy farmers. He also picked peaches, and he can have all the peach pickers if I can have the grape growers and assorted byproducts. Some folks say I’m plumb nutty, so I should rightfully be entitled to all nut growers. Cruz and I could argue over the grass growers, but Arnold is counting on those votes, and I don’t have the nerve to tell him the grass we’re referring to is alfalfa, orchardgrass and pasture fields.

Cruz and some other Mexicans have said California should be returned to Mexico. Other candidates disagree and say we should return the Mexicans to Mexico and keep California. I suggest a compromise: let’s give California to Mexico, but keep the water.

But it don’t matter what any candidate wants because, in the shape California’s in today, I don’t think Mexico would take her. If Mexico would pay off the debt and cover the upkeep and overhead, California would come out way ahead on the deal, but you watch Mexico wise up and decline the offer.

Lt. Governor Bustamante is in favor of illegal aliens getting drivers licenses. I’m scratching my head on that one. When the person shows up to take the driving test, won’t the police officer running the test suspect something? I know we’ve got more cars than we do drivers, but traffic ain’t what we’re short of. California has more cars than pavement to drive ’em on, the same as it was eighty years ago. Is there a shortage of taxi drivers in Los Angeles who don’t speak English?

Cruz, I do see one thing in your favor on this one. If we give a license to illegal aliens, when we deport them they can drive themselves to the border.

Here’s more Historical quotes from Will Rogers, with only a few changes in names and location. (Life magazine, 1928)

I am carrying my campaign along dignified lines. It’s the Future my party is looking to, not the past. So I hope there is some sane people in California who will appreciate dignity, and not showmanship, in their choice for Governor.

In the course of events I had to come East. I am the only Candidate that is tending to his own business and not to the people’s. These other fellows (I can’t think of their names offhand), they are devoting their entire time to nothing but spending money and time trying to show that California will perhaps be on a level with Nicaragua if they are not put in charge of it.

I am not going out around the state making a monkey of myself just to let people see what kind of a man they would have in Sacramento if elected. I did all that before I was nominated.

Being a Candidate didn’t give me a chance to see the state. I had seen it before.

Mr. Bustamante made a mighty fine speech, considering the material he had to work with. A Democratic speech is hard to make sound reasonable, because they are not supposed to be. All in all Cruz did a mighty fine job of promising.

But I think my platform is more constructive. I will make up mine after I get in. Then in case I don’t get in why I haven’t had the trouble of framing up one for nothing. Nobody knows what they might want by October anyhow.

So I will give the people what they want, as they want it. But I figure on everybody being so well off that they won’t need anything. I wouldn’t have got myself mixed up in this Campaign if I’d thought I would have any problems to face.

If the election goes to the one who conducted their campaign on the highest plane, the Anti-Bunk would win in a walk. Our party has placed Dignity above Showmanship, so the majority of people don’t even know I’m running.



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