Will explains Senator Kerry’s voice problems

Sept. 23, 2004

LONDON, Ohio:  Senator Kerry was in Columbus today for a speech, but he had to cancel it because his voice gave out. Well, it’s no wonder his vocal cords are worn-down by the long campaign. On every issue it seems like he has proclaimed three or four positions.

I’m out here at London for a big farm show called Farm Science Review and it’s put on by the university. They had 130,000 farmers, students and business folks here during the past 3 days, learning about all the new practices, machinery and technology to help our American farmers keep putting food on the table for us.

On Tuesday they held a big luncheon and Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman was the main speaker. She announced that the Bush income tax cuts are saving farmers $4 Billion a year and got a big round of applause, at least from the farmers who have an income to pay taxes on. She came out against the death tax and everybody agreed, given a choice, they prefer to keep on living.

Then she said the President had approved an extra $10 Million for Ohio farmers to install some new practices and got hardly any reaction at all. I could tell the silence surprised her because she expected at least some mild appreciation for the incumbent candidate. But she should know it takes more than ten million to impress farmers when you’ve just told them they have in their pockets an extra four Billion.

One thing Democrats and Republicans can agree on here in central Ohio, this September weather has been splendid. The calendar may say it’s fall, but it feels more like August than August did. Corn and soybeans are ready to harvest, and high yields and sunshine will do more to get a farmer’s vote than any government program.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“When you straddle a thing it takes a long time to explain it.” Convention Articles, June 29, 1924

Weekly Comments: Bush, Kerry, Cheney, Edwards and Baxter Black Flood Ohio

# 335, Sept. 18, 2004

COLUMBUS: For years Martha Stewart has set the example for us ordinary folks on cooking, cleaning and decorating. Now she is the perfect role model for her fellow criminals.

Just imagine how great this country could become if every lawbreaker said, “Put me in jail now, I’m ready to serve my time.” Why, it would clean up our streets, and our boardrooms. The only downside is so many trial lawyers would be out of work we’d have to invent thousands of new elective offices just to keep them occupied.

Bush and Kerry are still acting like Ohio will decide the election. Laura Bush was in Columbus this week. John Edwards spent two days in southeast Ohio where he was followed by five inches of rain from Ivan. Dick Cheney will be here Monday night. I don’t know what the Vice-President will say, but he’s liable to tell Ohio, “You better make the right choice Nov. 2 if you don’t want the country to see more hurricanes, floods and tornados.”

The Republicans have called me every day for a week inviting me to see Mr. Cheney. Today a letter came in the mail from James Carville asking me not to, and could I please send some money to the Democrats.

But Mr. Cheney’s main competition Monday night will be Baxter Black. He’s about the best cowboy poet/speaker/humorist around today, so I’ll go see him because he’s not running for anything. It’s Baxter’s only visit to Ohio this fall, and I figure there’ll be many occasions yet to see Bush/Cheney/Kerry/Edwards.

I thought about escaping to Oklahoma to get away from all the Presidential bickering – Bush and Kerry have pretty much ignored the Sooner voters – then I read in the paper what the Oklahoma Senate candidates are saying about each other and decided to take my chances in Ohio. For now.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

These historic quotes that follow have been absolutely, positively authenticated to be from Will Rogers’ own typewriter and published in the New York Times. That’s for the newspaper columns. If the quotes are from a radio broadcast, you can rest assured they are indisputably valid because folks across the country heard them on CBS.

“Politics pretty quiet over the week_end. Democrats are attacking and the Republicans are defending. All the Democrats have to do is promise “what they would do if they got in.” But the Republicans have to promise “what they would do” and then explain why they haven’t already “done it.”
I do honestly believe the Republicans have reformed and want to do better. But whether they have done it in time to win the election is another thing. The old voter is getting so he wants to be saved before October every election year.
 DT #1917, Sept. 26, 1932

[Concerning incumbent presidents] “a voter just goes to the polls and if he has got a dollar you stay in, and if he ain’t got a dollar, you go out. The memory of a voter is about as long as a billy goat. So it is all going to depend on how (President) Hoover makes out the last year.” Radio Broadcast, April 20, 1930

Weekly Comments: Candidates give relief to Ohio

# 334, Sept. 11, 2004

COLUMBUS: Today was unusual in Ohio. No presidential candidates.

President Clinton is home following a quadruple heart bypass. He seems to be doing fine, promises to reform his diet, and the only downside is that McDonalds stock dropped $8.

News out of Florida is the same. First Charley, then Frances. Next is Ivan. Ivan warmed up on Grenada and Jamaica, and is taking aim at Florida, but nobody knows exactly what part. For Florida it’s kinda like Dodgeball. They don’t know which way to jump. Seems the only safe direction is North.

Here’s what might be called, in the big media business, a public service announcement. If you have a hankerin’ to get yourself shot with only one or two bullets, time is running out. Thanks to the NRA, come Monday, if you’re shot you’ll likely be hit with at least 20 or 30 bullets before the guy can get his finger off the trigger.

As I say, the NRA is arranging it, but Congress seconded the motion, and the President kinda abstained. Now you ask any of these folks privately if they favor giving these assault weapons to criminals and they’ll tell you “No”. But being an election year, they feel obliged to vote “yes”. They’ve all got it figured, both Republicans and Democrats, that losing a few constituents to multiple gunshot wounds is better than losing votes. And besides, the voters most likely to get shot are the Undecideds, so where’s the harm in that?

After Monday you won’t have to listen to a hunter complain, “I would have got that squirrel for sure, but I only had ten bullets in the clip.”

Well, three years has passed since those radical Islamic terrorists hijacked four airplanes and changed the world. There were memorials held in New York and all over America today. A hundred thousand of us got to see a lovely and moving tribute before, and at half time of, a college football game between Ohio State University and Marshall.

While we’re remembering the victims, and spending billions or even trillions so it doesn’t happen again, there’s others around the world celebrating our heartache, and the murder of hundreds of Russian school children last month. Old bin Laden is still on the loose, thumbing his nose at us. Remember, it took us a few years to trap Dillinger and Capone, too, but we got ’em.

If you want to read and see a marvelous tribute to 9/11 go to this web site: http://www.angelsoveramerica.com/ Carolyn Long wrote a beautiful poem, and got some fine professionals to put it to music and produce a first class video.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There should be a moratorium called on candidates’ speeches. They have both called each other everything in the world they can think of. From now on they are just talking themselves out of votes… Now instead of calling each other names, why you can do everybody a big favor by going fishing, and you will be surprised but the old United States will keep right on running while you boys are sitting on the bank. “ DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

Republican Convention ends; Bush and Kerry storm Ohio

# 333, Sept. 2, 2004

COLUMBUS: Wow, it’s over in New York. The Republicans went with Bush and Cheney again.

Remember when folks wanted Kerry to choose John McCain as his V-P? Well, if he had, Bush could have opted for Zell Miller… and the next two months would have made the Gunfight at the OK Corral look like a lovefest.

The Georgia Democrat made a lot of friends among Republicans. Did you hear him last night? Millions across the country heard him, and most of them didn’t even need a television. Zell Miller was intense, penetrating, LOUD.

If the President gets re-elected I predict he’ll find a spot for Zell. Maybe if Tom Ridge retires, he’ll take over as director of Homeland Security. He would save millions of dollars. See, you take a picture of Zell where he was scowling at Kerry in that speech last night, blow it up real big, and place those side by side on all of our borders. No terrorist or illegal alien would dare try to sneak in. Zell’s picture would scare the hell out of them.

We wouldn’t need all those border guards. You cross old Zell and he’ll take you out in a duel. Homeland Security would be a one-man operation.

Florida is bracing for another hurricane. Ohio is fortifying for a deluge. Florida gets wind and rain; Ohio gets wind. Mr. Kerry and Edwards are in Springfield tonight. Why, the balloons are still dropping in New York and these fellows are picking up a microphone in Ohio. Mr. Bush won’t be far behind. After a pause in Pennsylvania tonight he’ll land in Cleveland tomorrow.

If you say a prayer tonight, pray for Florida. And if you got time, put in an extra word for Ohio. Relief here is not as necessary, but still appreciated.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“…may the best team win; that is, the best for the country, be it Democratic or Republican, for a guiding hand in any business now needs encouragement and especially in guiding the biggest business in the world. Lord, what a tough time to have a country on your hands!” Convention Articles, Republican Convention, closing article, June 17, 1932

“Coolidge made less speeches and got more votes than any man that ever run. (William Jennings) Bryan was listened to and cheered by more people than any single human in politics, and he lost. So there is a doubt just whether talking does you good or harm.” DT #673, Sept. 21, 1928

“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.” DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932