Month: December 2020

Americans are relieved today. President Trump signed the budget bill. But it’s still up in the air whether the check will be for $600 or $2000 or something in between. The President wants to tie the bigger COVID checks to cutting out the hundred Billion in frivolous spending here and abroad. Speaker Pelosi jumped on the idea of handing out $2000, but stopped short of chopping any pork. Senator Joni Ernst, an Iowa hog farmer, got elected because she knows how to “cut pork.” I haven’t heard her views yet on slicing fat off this budget.

There are other appropriations in the $900 Billion COVID part of the budget that are directed where they are needed most, including more vaccines. Combined with the overall budget bill, you can always find items that make you shake your head. You may remember the Lincoln Center got millions in relief several months ago and promptly laid off 100 employees. The Lincoln Center gets millions more in this budget, so I guess they will fire another hundred.

A university researcher will get a million dollars to ask Americans if they like to eat bugs. You and I can save ‘em a million; the answer is “No!” Fire ants might spice up a bowl of chili, but I prefer hot pepper. Honey tastes sweeter than honey bees. A cockroach smothered in chocolate still tastes like a cockroach. Even a horse would say “neigh” to eating a bucket of oats and horse flies.

Congress put in a Billion to build a new Smithsonian Museum just for women. Another museum? Museums are shutting down. A better plan is to clear out half of the Smithsonian exhibits devoted to men and replace ‘em with women’s inventions. That would save the Billion dollars and attract more women visitors, plus a few curious men. Take corsets for example. Replace the old whalebone corset exhibit (definitely not invented by a woman) with a display of Spanx.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out.” DT #2047, Feb. 24, 1933

“Every statesman wants to vote appropriations, but is afraid to vote taxes… We never will get anywhere with our finances till we pass a law saying that every time we appropriate something, we got to pass another bill along with it stating where the money is coming from.” DT #1733, Feb. 12, 1932

“The national problem in this country is not who shall be relieved and whose money shall relieve him, but who shall be the one that plays Santa Claus, and actually hands out the presents.” Radio, Apr. 21, 1935

(It’s all Will Rogers this week…)

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“I didn’t know that Christmas did mean so much till you have to spend one away off like this from home.” DT #1693, Dec. 27,1931

“Christmas finds the following watching to see if there really is a Santa Claus. Ten thousand Republican [Democrats?] candidates (looking for) for Cabinet jobs are beginning to have grave doubts. And 14,000,000 Democrats [Republicans?] say it may be Christmas to some people, but it’s just the 25th of some month for them.” DT #751, Dec. 23, 1928

“I bought some mechanical and electric things for the kids and wore ‘em out playing with ‘em myself. Don’t forget to lay by a few presents today for those who you didn’t think would send you anything. You may not have to use ‘em anyway.” DT #120, Dec. 23, 1926

 “Men, act surprised this morning as if you didn’t know the tie was coming.” DT #121, Dec. 24, 1926

          “Well, the neckties were all red and the sox were all too small. So, there is practically nothing I can do but just sit and wait for another holiday.” DT #441, Dec. 25, 1927

“Generally speaking, we do have good cheer in our hearts on Christmas. ‘Course, we can’t hardly wait till the day is over and to get back to our devilment again.” DT # 1379, Dec. 24, 1930

“Kids are getting too wise. Why I was a big old chuckle-headed Nestor maybe ten years old before I really even suspicioned that our old friend of the long whiskers wasn’t delivering into my stocking every Christmas morning the sack of candy, horn, and cap pistol… It would be all right if we could again believe in Santa Claus. But our smartness has defeated our own happiness… They talk about Civilization. Say, there ain’t no civilization where there ain’t no satisfaction, and that’s what’s the trouble now, nobody is satisfied.” WA #367, Jan. 5, 1030

“Best story in the paper today, and there was many of fine charitable acts on Christmas. Away out on the Escalante Desert between Los Angeles and Salt Lake. I have flown over it many times, it’s one of the most desolate places you ever saw. One lonely ranch, the father had died and the mother and a whole house full of children live there. Well, the pilots on the Western air run took up a purse of $80 and got the children clothes and toys, and then flew low on Christmas day and dropped ‘em. What a godsend the plane and the radio is to out‑of‑the‑way places.” DT 1995, Dec. 26, 1932

“Well, Christmas has passed. I was just thinking if there was some way to make the Christmas spirit continue during the other days of the year, why we would be the most happy and wonderful Nation on Earth. Gosh, if all of us that was able would just feed and do things for folks without waiting till Christmas.” WA #628, Jan 6 1935

I heard this last week. A man went to a cemetery to place flowers on graves of family members. But a sign on the gate stopped him cold, “BECAUSE OF COVID-19, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO VISIT THIS CEMETERY.” The man’s shocked reaction was, “This is ridiculous; they’re already dead.”

On Saturdays at noon, Jeanne Robertson, well-known humorist and professional speaker, always has a Facebook Live program, which is watched by thousands of her fans. This week she had a guest, Mark Lowry of the Bill Gaither gospel singing group. Mark wrote the wonderful Christmas song, “Mary, did you know?” He sang the song for us, a cappella. The lyrics include questions such as, Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man? And, Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?

Mark Lowry is also a talented humorist. Jeanne asked him if there were other questions he did not include in the song. Mark said, “Yes. Mary, what was it like teaching God to walk? What was it like teaching him to talk? Did you ever go into his room and say ‘Clean up this mess; were you born in a barn?’”

Normally, at noon Saturday I would have been watching the annual classic football matchup, Michigan vs. Ohio State. After playing every year since 1918, the 2-4 Wolverines declined to travel to Columbus and face the 5-0 Buckeyes. Michigan claimed the team was decimated by Covid-19. Most Ohio State fans claim Michigan is decimated by mediocre players, poor coaching, and fear of losing again.

The Nobel Peace Prize was given to the United Nations World Food Program. That’s a good choice because “30 million hungry people depend on us for survival.” Here’s my suggestion for the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize. Give it to the “Farmers of the World.” The other 7.8 Billion depend on them for survival.

I tried to ignore the real news, but there was too much to overlook.
Congressman Eric Swalwell (D-San Francisco) was tricked into a love affair by a lovely Chinese Communist spy masquerading as a college student. Christine Fang got her fangs into Mr. Swalwell when he was an ordinary city councilman. She raised millions of dollars for his campaigns (any idea where she got it?) and now he is on the House Intelligence Committee, appointed by Speaker Pelosi (D-San Francisco). That committee, which is provided top secret details on spying by our enemies, is Chaired by Adam Schiff (D-Los Angeles). Meanwhile, last year we learned that for twenty years a Chinese spy had been chauffeuring Senator Diane Feinstein (D-San Francisco). Do you notice a geographic connection?

Do you know about Joe Biden’s son, Hunter? Last week, a month after our former Vice-President was elected the 46^th President, we learned that Hunter Biden had been under investigation by the FBI since May for his financial dealings with Chinese Communists. If this came as a shock to you, you’re not alone. Almost half of the Biden voters had never heard of any possible bribery scheme involving the Biden family. How is it possible this was kept from voters for six months?

Actually, a prominent newspaper in New York City reported in detail in October. Breaking news stories are usually picked up immediately by other newspapers across the country and all our television networks. But this breaking news was in the NY Post, not The New York Times.

Did any of these distinguished journalists or networks report on it: Chuck Todd, NBC; Lesley Stahl, CBS 60 Minutes; George Stephanopoulos, ABC; Norah O’Donnell, CBS; or Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN; Christiane Amanpour, CNN and PBS; Jake Tapper and Brian Stelter, CNN; Nicole Wallace and almost everyone else on MSNBC; and NPR (which is funded by you and me)? No, they all denied or poo-pooed the Hunter Biden story as “propaganda from Russia.”

Twitter and Facebook censored the story and banned positive comments about it. Google minimized searches on the topic.

Since 90 percent of these media folks flat out lied, I was expecting a few to get fired or at least suspended. I mentioned this to a friend and he corrected me, “They will likely get a raise! They got their guy elected.”

You might think the big winner of this “newly discovered” story would be Joe Biden. No, it will be Kamala Harris. Can you guess where she is from?

Ok, next week I promise: only Christmas.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“I have been in China too long. The more folks you talk to, the less you know. Always dodge the ‘expert’ who lived in China and ‘knows’ China. The last man that ‘knew’ China was Confucius, and he died feeling that he was becoming a little confused about ‘em.” DT #1696, Dec. 30, 1931

More than half of us have a pet, so it makes sense that we love animal stories. Watching movies like “Old Yeller” and “101 Dalmatians” or old television shows “Rin Tin Tin” and “Lassie” are a good diversion from politics.   Sometimes animals and politics go together.

President-Elect Biden announced a couple of weeks ago that he had a dog rescued from a shelter that would go with the Bidens to the White House. That seemed like a timely, hard-hitting story for the New York Times, especially since no four-legged friends had graced the White House in four years. Then the story got more interesting. Our future 77-year old President stepped out of the shower, dripping wet, chased Rover down the hall, slipped on a throw rug and cracked a bone in his foot. (Yeah, try to get that image out of your head.) Fortunately, the foot is recovering nicely.

Shortly after the dog news was leaked, cat lovers protested the selection of a dog as the official pet. They’re tired of this pet discrimination. A lot of Presidents have had dogs. Can you name one with a cat? No.  Biden has promised diversity, and all we’ve heard about for two hundred years is dogs, dogs, dogs. We’ll have a Vice-President who is female (a first) whose roots reach all the way to India and Jamaica (definitely a first). It’s high time we get a “First Cat,” regardless of its ancestry.

With all this pressure from 30 million cat lovers, the Bidens are adding a stray cat, even though there’s no mice to catch (that we know of). Here’s the problem: pairing up a cat and dog that are strangers is akin to matching AOC and Jim Jordan on Dancing with the Stars. Salsa, tango, swing your partner and do-si-do. Don’t expect to see the cat and dog waltz.

The only way I can imagine to eliminate conflict is to confine the new cat to the East end and let the dog have the West. Pretty soon the cat will be running his end of the White House. Not to be outdone, the dog will quickly train the President to walk him out to the Rose Garden where he can pick out a bush and, uhh, fertilize it.

President Reagan had the best idea: horses. Of course, he kept them on his California ranch. Can you imagine a horse in the Oval Office?

Well, maybe Mister Ed.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“I love a dog; he does nothing for political reasons.” DT #2288, Dec. 3, 1933

“A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love horses then there is something worse the matter with him.” WA #88, Aug, 17, 1924