Washington, DC: Despite the Covid pandemic, I find myself in Washington, in the Senate chamber at our Capitol. Hereâs an explanation:
See, every honorable attorney in the whole country, and several who are not so honorable, turned down the opportunity to represent Donald J. Trump of Mara Largo, Florida, in this Impeachment trial. Theyâre scared of the after-effects. Mr. Trump offered to represent himself. However, every legal expert, including those who only play one on Facebook, knows that nobody but a fool would try to represent himself. Therefore, at the risk of being ostracized by my Hollywood friends, I feel obliged to fill the void.
As I stand at the front of the Senate, addressing 100 Senators, I continue. âYou may say, âBut you have no legal experience.â Well, I beg to differ. I played the lead role in one of the greatest movies of 1934, âJudge Priest.â And that ranks far higher than pretending to be one on Facebook. But donât take my word for it; ask former President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Iâm guessing you distinguished Senators recognize him as a great man and judge of character, at least half of you.
âAfter watching âJudge Priest,â Franklin wrote me a letter (he said I could call him Franklin) and Iâll read, and provide said letter as Exhibit A. Itâs dated October 8, 1934. âDear Will, (I let him call me Will) âWe saw Judge Priest last night. It is a thoroughly good job.â Then after a couple more sentences he closed with a paragraph that will firmly establish my credentials to appear before this august body today, âI suppose the next thing you will be doing is making application for an appointment to the Federal Bench. I might take you up on that!â Now if you have any doubt about his judgement, Iâll remind you that he nominated, and had approved right here in this very Chamber, NINE Justices to the Supreme Court.
âSee, at one time he had nominated EVERY Justice sitting on the Supreme Court. He wanted to name 5 or 6 more, but your predecessors here in the Senate turned him down flat. They said, âNo, Mr. President, nine is all we need on that Court. We wonât let you pack any more in there.ââ
So, with my credentials firmly established and accepted, it comes my turn to address the presiding officer of every Impeachment trial, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court:
Me: âWait a minute, youâre Senator Leahy, not Chief Justice Roberts.
Sen. Leahy: âYes, he declined. I guess one Impeachment was enough for him.â
Me: âWell, Mr. Leahy, Iâll trust you to be fair and impartial and follow the Constitution. Please read to your fellow Senators the part of the Constitution relating to the topic at hand, Article II, Section 4.â
Leahy: âArticle II, Section 4: The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.â
Me: âThank you sir. I noticed this Article began with the words, âThe President.â Senator Leahy, what is todayâs date?â
Leahy: âIt is February 8, 2021.â
Me: âAnd on this date, who is âThe President?ââ
Leahy: âJoseph R. Bidenâ
Me: âIs President Joseph R. Biden being Impeached for Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors?â
Leahy: âNo.â
Me: âThank you. Since you have confirmed that âThe Presidentâ today, February 8, 2021, is Joseph R. Biden, and he is not charged with any crime listed in Article II, Section 4 of the Constitution, I humbly ask that this trial end immediately.â
And I sat down triumphantly, to a thunderous standing ovation, by half the Senators. Then, with that glorious sound ringing in my ears for at least half a minute, I turned my head⊠and woke up.
Historic Fact about Will Rogers:
In the movie, âJudge Priest,â two well-known African-American actors were featured, Stepin Fetchit (real name, Lincoln Perry) and Hattie McDaniels (who later earned an Oscar). The movie also revived the career of Henry B. Walthall.
Bonus Post