Month: March 2019

You have heard about the college scandals where rich parents paid to get their kid into a famous university.

Well, I’ve got a solution. And no wealthy mom or dad will be embarrassed or thrown in jail.

Today, I am announcing the founding of a new, top-notch, elite, private college. This superior, exclusive school will outrank any of the well-known universities worldwide. It will be unique because there is no usual tuition or academic requirement. No one will get in trouble for paying vast sums of money.

Here’s how it works. Entry is based on amount offered. If you want your son or daughter to be accepted, bid high. We will accept only the highest 250 bids the first year, with bidding starting at $250,000. Yes, don’t be surprised if some of these Hollywood stars offer 4 or 5 million dollars.

You may wonder, will they get a good education? Yes, because we will have the best professors. See, the professors get to keep a third of the loot. Why, they could easily make a million a year, and not have to write any grant proposals to get it. No research articles to write or meetings to sit though; just teach. They’ll be calling up from Yale, and Stanford, and these other big universities begging to join our faculty. Classes will be small, so there will be plenty of individual attention.

Where is this university? Well, I considered California or New York. That’s where the money is. But taxes are so high that no high paid professor would want to move there. After considering all the options, we have landed in Florida, near Orlando. I figure all these wealthy families have spent vacations at Disney World so they’re familiar with the area. And knowing they can go there any time they are not in class will be an attraction.

What’s the name, you might ask. Well, that’s up for bid also. It worked for a little college in North Carolina that sold out to a tobacco magnate named Duke. If some rich man wants his name attached to an elite university instead of buying an NFL football team, for example, we’re available. A billion dollars ought to do it.

We have no discrimination for students, no quotas. Nationality doesn’t matter. Democrat, Republican, Black, White, Catholic, Jew, Methodist… everyone’s welcome. If you’ve got the money and are willing to part with it, you’re in.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“College, I think, is better for the parents than it is for the students. You see, what you do is send the kid out of the home just as he reaches the arguing stage of life.” Notes, undated

(In a tribute to Mothers on Mother’s Day, Will added this.) “Father had a day, but you can’t find anybody who remembers when it was…  It’s been so confused with April the first.” Radio, May 12, 1935

Smack in the middle of the basketball March Madness tournament, Robert Mueller turned in his report. He said there was no collusion between Trump and Russia, and no one else will be indicted. Of course President Trump is happy for himself and his family.

Hearing that no one else will be indicted for Russian connections should also be relief to the other candidate, Hillary Clinton.

Jay Leno said a few days ago that comedy should be balanced. The late night hosts on TV now are so one-sided they are funny to only half the potential audience.

Do you know what is even worse than one-sided comedy on TV? One-sided journalism. In a recent poll, 40 percent of Americans believed Trump was guilty of colluding with Russia to win the 2016 election. While quite a few of those folks got that idea originally from political opponents, we can blame the mass media, especially CNN, MSNBC and some major newspapers, for pushing that story every day and every night. Until hours before Mueller ended the $30 million investigation, TV commentators were comparing Trump to Nixon (Watergate) and Benedict Arnold.

I had suggested Mueller turn in a simple one-page report. But apparently he submitted thousands of pages, which forced the Attorney General and a couple of assistants to quickly read the whole thing, and summarize it in four pages. Now a whole slew of Democrats who spent two years praising and defending Mueller are doubting the report. They even want Mueller to testify to Congress, under oath, that he believes what he wrote in the full report.

And several Democrats running for president claim the Attorney General is lying in the summary. Well, Mr. Mueller was in Washington all day, and if he saw any errors in the summary he would have called CNN or other network and pointed out those errors.

Will Russia, led by Mr. Putin, try to influence the 2020 election? Yes, Russia has tried to influence elections here and in other countries for at least 50 years. Who would Putin favor? My guess is Bernie Sanders. But Putin would likely be thrilled with any of the candidates who favor the Green New Deal. Just imagine the economic boom in his oil and gas business if we shut down our fossil fuel production and the industry it supports.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“There has been more said and written about Russia than there has been about Honesty in Politics and Farmers’ Relief, and there has been just as little done about either of those two.” Letters of a Self-Made Diplomat to his President, Nov. 6, 1926

“If I wanted to start an insane asylum that would be 100 percent cuckoo, I would just admit applicants that thought they knew something about Russia.” DT #1291, Sept. 14, 1930

It is St. Patrick’s Day. Ohio has a Dublin (only a few miles away from Columbus) and West Virginia has an Ireland. Both celebrated their Irish heritage this week, although neither one has near as many “Irish” as New York City (see quote below).

I know more about the Irish Spring Festival in West Virginia because I have a lot of family and friends there. It is a family affair with as many events for the kids as for the old folks. The parade on Saturday shut down the main road, but for less than an hour. Unlike Chicago, they don’t try to color the creek green, but they do have a race on it with rubber ducks.  The only green drink is Kool-Aid. And forget about any so-called Green New Deal. They have a Blarney Stone on top of the hill, and they climb up there to kiss it the exact hour and minute Spring arrives.

Democrats announced they will hold their 2020 National Convention in Milwaukee. Wisconsin was quite relieved because if they were hosting the Republicans they would have the expense of building a fence around the convention center. With the Democrats they will save a half-million dollars. No fence. No barrier. No police. Democrats say they will use Alternate Delegates to guard the main entrances against intruders.

California has volunteered to stand guard the day of the voting for President. Yeah, right. If that happens, we’ll probably hear at roll call, “California casts all of our 977 votes… for Senora Kamala Harris.”

Former Congressman Robert Francis (Beto) O’Rouke of El Paso  announced in Vanity Fair magazine that he will run. In his first interview he said, like most other candidates, that he is for the Green New Deal. Does he really think Texas, with its cattle ranches and oil wells, will vote to abandon all that in ten years? Where a trip to town can be 200 miles, Texans might prefer diesel for the pickup truck instead of solar electric.

President Trump is in trouble. First, he said he would build a Wall, and Mexico would pay for it. So far, Mexico has offered not even a peso, and Trump wants to spend about $5 Billion of our money on it. He announced a National Emergency to justify spending on the Wall and Congress passed a resolution against it. He vetoed the resolution, vowing to stop illegal immigrants, illegal drugs, MS-13 gangs and murderers. According to news media and Congress, this appears to be the first time in fifty years a President has tried to use emergency powers, and if he goes through with it they will impeach him. They don’t want to wait for the Mueller Report, which likely will be released any time between next week and November 2020.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Well, today was St. Patrick’s Day. But do you think they would parade on Sunday? No, sir. There wouldn’t be any traffic to block if you used Fifth Avenue on Sunday [in New York City]. You know there is nothing as overestimated as a parade of any kind. It don’t draw crowds; the people that are lined along the sidewalk are just trying to get to the other side. That’s all. Every city should have one street away out where it won’t interfere with business or traffic, call it Parade Street, then let any organization go there and march till they dropped. Do that and see how big an audience they can draw.” DT #823, March 17, 1929

“Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty-seven don’t.”  DT #577, June 1, 1928

Congress was tied up all week figuring out how to deal with the Minnesota Congresswoman representing the Somali District. She made some hateful comments about Jewish people and Israel, so they wanted to censure her. But before they could vote, she got the support of the new young “Boss” of the Democratic Party (Ocasio-Cortez), pressuring the old boss (Speaker Pelosi) to give in. With all the drafts and inserts it took 17 pages and condemned hateful comments against dozens of others, including Sikhs, Okies, and West Virginia Hillbillies. The only reference to Jews was a footnote on page 3. Even Congresswoman Omar who started the whole mess voted for it.

In an effort to save the Democratic Party, I am now a proponent of gerrymandering of selected Congressional Districts. The “Somali Muslim district” should be split three ways into other Minneapolis districts. Same for one in Dearborn and one in the Bronx.

It used to be that a couple of kooky representatives in Congress (of either party) did not matter because they were outnumbered and could be ignored. But now, these representatives have figured out how to get on the news daily, get the media behind them, and actually have the guts to claim they are in charge. Most of their Party (including a lot of competent, experienced women) is scared to oppose their outlandish comments and proposals. Same for the candidates for President in 2020.

I bet if you asked the candidates who they would like for a VP running mate, most would answer, “If she was not under-age, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“I am in Detroit in connection with the trouble between Henry Ford and the Jewish people.” DT #114, Dec. 17, 1926

“I certainly was glad to read Mr. Henry Ford’s statement this morning in the papers in regard to the Jewish people. It was a fine thing for a big man to do. It takes big men to admit a fault publicly.” DT #300, July 8, 1927

“When [Henry Ford] found he was wrong in his argument with the Jewish people, he apologized. He saw them in a Chevrolet and he says, ‘Boys, I am wrong! I am wrong!’” Radio, June 1, 1930