Oklahoma grows on Will

# 294, October 26, 2003

CLAREMORE, Okla: It’s good to be home. I flew into Tulsa Thursday morning, rented a car and headed to Tahlequah in Cherokee County. The Sancta Sophia Seminary, situated ten miles north of Tahlequah according to their directions, invited me to speak to their present and aspiring preachers.

Drove through Muskogee, and the old historic section of Tahlequah, then headed north into the scenic hill country to find this Seminary. They sent me good instructions, told where to make every turn, even said where the blacktop would turn into a gravel road.

After about nine miles, with seldom any sign of civilization, I started up a steep grade, and then I remembered how they often build churches on top of the hill. It’s either to be closer to God or farther from the Devil, one or the other. Well, about half way up there, I wasn’t contemplating either God or the Devil. What I was thinking was, I should have rented a horse.

But once that old Chevy got to the top, what a beautiful sight. It was worth the climb. They’re a delightful bunch and I can’t recall ever having a better audience.

Then I spent the next three days wandering over northeastern Oklahoma. Mainly Claremore, and Oologah but also Pryor and Jay, kinda getting reacquainted with the home folks.

Lots of news in the papers this week…

Miami beat the Yankees in the World Series, in case you missed it.

A fellow named Kirk Jones went over Niagara Falls, and lived. Now let me ask you. Soon as you heard that, did you wonder if it was a pilot for a new Hollywood reality show? Survivor Falls? More likely, with book and movie rights, he’ll be Kirk Millionaire.

Three hundred illegal immigrants were arrested for working at Wal-Mart. The next day Massachusetts invited all 300 to apply for a drivers license.

But the big news in Oklahoma, other than football, is that the state is getting fat. I don’t mean fat on revenues, they’re broke like every other state. No, I mean fat on food.

“The Oklahoman” newspaper yesterday said “Obesity Continues to Grow”. Over half of Oklahomans are overweight and one-fourth are obese, or in today’s vernacular, supersized. Folks claim they’ve tried almost everything except maybe to change their eating and exercising habits. Stomach stapling is the latest fad.

Now, you folks that read my Weekly Comments on a regular basis know that I seldom bring up my personal life. But here is one time I will make an exception, and maybe offer a solution for Oklahoma’s fat problem.

In March I weighed 220. By August I was at 180 and that’s where it’s staying. I ain’t telling you that to boast or brag, in fact I am mighty ashamed to admit my weight got away from me. I’m glad it’s back where it was many years ago, without resorting to a suction tube, starvation or a staple gun.

You’re wondering, what’s the secret? Sometimes I kid around and say it’s “Will” power. But really, it’s that low carbohydrate Adkins plan. I have found if you focus on the good things you can eat, like meat, lettuce, eggs, butter, cheese, berries and almonds, then you don’t miss so much the things you eliminate including desserts, bread, potatoes, regular cereal, chips, milk, juice and sugared drinks. Get yourself one of those Adkins books, and you’ll find plenty of good stuff to eat.

I would never claim this is the weight control plan for everyone, but it works for a few million of us, so you may as well take a crack at it. Be sure to get your wife or husband to support you, your friends too, and folks you work with. You sure don’t need them offering you food and drink you can’t have, and you might even cause some of them to join you.

Here’s your first test. On Halloween, give all the leftover candy to charity or feed it to the hogs.

Can you believe my good luck. I’m coming back here next weekend. Oklahoma plays Oklahoma State in the biggest college game of the day and if you have a spare ticket… well, all I can promise is I don’t need quite as much space as before.

“My” birthday is Tuesday, election day, and Claremore is putting on a parade Sunday afternoon, so I’ll be here for it. If I walk the full two mile route, I figure I can eat a big slice of birthday cake, without objection from the Adkins folks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(This is from a speech Will made at a banquet for the corset manufacturers) “When our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help bring them back to some semblance of a human frame.” WA #12, March 4, 1923

Weekly Comments: Miami Cheers while Chicago Mourns

# 293, October 15, 2003

COLUMBUS: Chicago got flattened tonight. Al Capone and Mrs’ O’Leary’s cow combined couldn’t have done any worse. The whole country was cheering for the Cubs, except for a handful of folks in Miami, but it made no difference. Mr. Wrigley’s boys played like they had gum stuck to their shoes.

They can’t blame it all on that one fan in Game 6. There’s no single play in baseball that gets you 8 runs. Still, I bet when that game ended there was a bunch of you thinking of Bill Buckner.

When the Florida Marlins hired Jack McKeon to manage the team, everyone said he was too old to win. Well, he is 72, but his team is in the World Series, and a whole lot of younger fellows will be sitting at home watching ’em play. They forgot something else. This is south Florida. Anyone 72 is middle age.

The Red Sox and Yankees play Game 7 tomorrow. You better believe the folks running the television network are pulling for Boston, just like they were rooting for the Cubs.

Here in Columbus the Quarter Horse Congress is going on at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. There’s horses everywhere you look, but there’s more trailers, and trucks to pull ’em with, than there are horses.

I saw one big long trailer, with room for 3 horses in back, plus living quarters for a whole family. Boy, you talk about money. Walnut paneling, air conditioning, plush carpet. And that was just for the horses.

I wouldn’t mind having one of those luxury trailers. Of course we would have to sell the house to afford it. Then it would take one of those big dually pickup trucks to tow it, so in the long run I figure I’m better off keeping the house.

Since we talked last, Arnold cleaned up in California. I didn’t have to dig out my Resignation Speech, so I may go to Oklahoma and check out the race for Senate. Don Nichols is retiring, but between J.C. Watts, Steve Largent, Frank Keating, and a couple of dark horse candidates I might get just as many votes as I did in California.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The country has gone sane and got back to horses.” DT #2112, May 11, 1933

Will chooses baseball over politics

# 292, October 5, 2003

COLUMBUS: The Chicago Cubs put baseball back on the front page tonight. Football gets page 2, and you’ll find Politics on the back of the Society section.

The Cubs beat Atlanta which means they might even get on the Weather page. For 95 years everyone said when the Cubs win in October, it’ll be a cold day…

They take on one of the Florida teams next. I think it’s the Marlins but it could be the Dolphins or Gators. The Red Sox hope to win tomorrow and then take on the Yankees. If you think baseball is taking some crazy bounces, wait till you hear what the Cleveland Browns did to the Steelers in football tonight. The Browns hadn’t won in Pittsburgh in what seemed like 95 years.

If you don’t care about sports you still have the California Governor’s race to cheer about. Arnold got so much attention this week from various women that Gray Davis was thinking maybe he should pinch a few just to get his name back in the news.

Several women have claimed that Arnold acted inappropriately. And he admitted to bad behavior of a sexual nature, which seems to me like a ploy to draw more Democrat votes. He blamed it on his early Hollywood days, which apparently lasted till about three years ago.

Personally, I’m outraged. He’s giving Hollywood a bad name, and nobody is standing up to defend the high moral character of that fine community. Just think, it has taken Hollywood some eighty years to establish a reputation, and Arnold is allowed to blemish our image for mere political gain.

There are 135 names on the ballot, and 15 million Californians have had two months to pick one and learn how to punch out a small hole in front of it. I figure I’ll get as many votes accidentally as about 130 of them will on purpose. Remember my campaign promise: “Elect Rogers and He Will Resign”.

The “Do not call list” went into effect this week. The telemarketers got a few judges to say it’s all right for them to call you anyway. Their legal argument is that it is not fair that 6 million telephone marketers have nobody to talk to but each other.

If you are one of the 50 million on that list, and you want to share your feelings personally with the Telemarketers Association, here is their phone number: 317-816-9336. They prefer that you call during regular business hours, so you don’t interrupt their dinner.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that world series is on.” DT #683, Oct. 3, 1928

“You hear ten people ask, ‘Who is going to pitch for the Yankees tomorrow?’ where you don’t hear one ask, ‘Who is going to be elected?'” DT #675, Sept. 24, 1928