Watch out for impersonators impersonating impersonators

Do you remember two weeks ago when the FBI announced that an Elvis Presley impersonator had mailed an envelope with the deadly poison ricin to President Obama? Well, in an odd twist, it seems that the ricin was actually sent by a man impersonating the impersonator.

Meanwhile in Syria, President Obama believes that poison gas has been used against civilians. However he stopped short of blaming the attack on Elvis. Or any Elvis impersonators.

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin says he will reintroduce the bill to require background checks for gun purchases, except for sales to relatives. The bill previously lost by 6 votes, but he’s optimistic it will pass when other Senators realize how many of their gun-toting constituents are related.

Here’s a good question to ask your lawyer friends. If an immigrant tricks us into giving him U.S. citizenship, then carries out a terrorist attack, does he  deserve any “Constitutional rights?”

We haven’t heard from the young North Korean lately. I think he’s waiting for a slow news day to announce he will launch a rocket. He will say he’s aiming at the Pacific Ocean, then after it splashes down he’ll proudly proclaim that he hit the target.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

“Well, here we are in Korea… I found people that have funnier hats than the kind you are wearing back home. It’s a sort of old cab driver’s derby, but it’s made of screen netting like the thing we used to keep over cheese in the Claremore grocery store.” DT #1678, Dec. 9, 1931

A nation mourns Boston and West, Texas

All our attention has been focused on Boston and the small Texas town of West.  One was an attack by Islamic terrorists, the other a tragic industrial explosion at a fertilizer plant. Both need our prayers and support.

President Obama lost out last week on his desire to limit gun sales. Even with West Virginia Senator Manchin promising to exempt all relatives from background checks, folks out in the country just don’t see how such a law would prevent shootings like in the Connecticut and Colorado schools. The President went all out to eliminate so-called assault rifles and clips holding more than a few bullets. He got nothing out of it but pen he planned to sign it with.

The President should have seen a parallel with the Democrats stance on Prohibition in 1929, as described by Will Rogers:
“I see in Washington dispatches that the Democrats are planning to take the wet [pro-alcohol] side and make a direct issue of Prohibition in ‘32. Why a man should dig his grave three years before he is buried is almost unexplainable. I spent three years in 48 states kidding and joking on both sides of Prohibition, and if you think this country is wet, you got a big city angle on a nation that is composed of country folks. It’s the only law we ever had where the small town and country folks know they hold the trump card. You can’t change it without their permission, and you won’t get it. They are just laughing at you.”  (May 1, 1929)

Of course, the ‘32 election turned out fine for the Democrats, based on the economy, not Prohibition.  The wets eventually prevailed, overturning the 18th Amendment with the 21st Amendment in ‘33. Don’t hold your breath waiting for the 2nd Amendment to be overturned.

The Midwest planting season is off to a peculiar start.  In Minnesota corn planters are sitting out in the field, surrounded by snow drifts. In Illinois a farmer who last year had already planted corn was seen water skiing on the same field. Last fall the Mississippi was drying up, delaying barge traffic. Now high water is delaying the same barges.

Stocks are holding steady. Gold has dropped. I’m still high on farmland, even if it’s temporarily underwater.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“The biggest marathon race we have in this country finished here today, and an old boy from Canada won it, because he never owned a Ford and didn’t know how to run one. Outsiders won everything. We ride good, but we get out of wind walking to the garage.”
 DT #852, Apr. 19, 1929

Guns, immigrants and a tax on rain

Just when you thought no one could come up with something new to tax, here comes Maryland. The Governor decided to tax rain. Not all rain, just the rain that falls on concrete, asphalt and roofs that don’t leak. That’s quite a relief to farmers. They already pay a tax on their land which would be practically useless without rain.

On the other hand, farmers and ranchers in Oklahoma and Texas would be delighted to pay a tax on rain if they could just get some. If those two state governments had to live on a rain tax they would be more broke than California.

This tax is gonna set Maryland back a hundred years. From sports stadiums to shopping centers to homeowners, they’ll all rip up their paved parking lots and driveways. From now on you’ll have to park your car on dirt to avoid the rain tax. When it rains, well, good luck getting your car out of the mud. But if that’s what it takes to please a governor, that’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make.

The argument over illegal immigrants (sorry, undocumented immigrants) would be easier to understand if we treated it like our home instead of our country. When you lock your doors at night it’s to keep out the “undocumented.” If someone wants to enter, they knock and you decide if you want to let ‘em in. It’s common sense.

That brings us to guns. Chicago is the murder capital of the country, just like in the 1920s. I bet the cops could identify 90 percent of the criminals and gang members and confiscate their guns if the mayor would let ‘em. That would clean up the town and bring it back to civilization.

Here’s another idea. When a woman gets a divorce the husband usually deserves it. And he’s lucky she didn’t just shoot him. So he should be happy to give up his guns along with alimony. She might even let him deduct a few dollars from the alimony check to buy meat with, since he can’t go hunting for it.

The President is tickled the country is talking about immigration and guns instead of the economy. Jobs are stagnant. Tax rates are up. People are buying less. Until Washington gets serious and takes their foot off the brake pedal, they have decided to hunker down, save money and hope for better days ahead. You might say, “Yes, but the stock market is at a record high.” That’s right, but only because the Federal Reserve keeps blowing hot air into the financial balloon. Any time now it could bust.

Australia watched “Breakfast at the Masters.” It took a playoff to decide who wears the green jacket. For us it was Sunday afternoon, but when Adam Scott won the Masters in Augusta, Georgia, it was Monday morning back home. Just think, at the end an Aussie had to beat an Angel from Argentina to win it.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“The Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf has.” 
WA #99, Nov. 2, 1924

One word for federal spending: Dopey

Here we are in the middle of tax paying season and the President announces more ways to spend our hard-earned money. He wants banks to loan money to people with poor credit so they can buy a house. That idea worked so well when Barney Frank and Chris Dodd persuaded banks to do it that he wants to repeat it. Of course those bank loans would be federally insured, with our money. Back in the ‘30s we had Hoovervilles; if this goes through we may be stuck with Obamavilles, financed with our money.
Next, the President wants us to put 11 million illegal immigrants on a “path to citizenship.” But he offers no concrete plan to close the path that got ‘em here. Unless we control the borders this is an open invitation to the next 11 million waiting to sneak in. Of course we want immigrants. But it’s our house and we should get to pick the ones we want to live with.
Oh, I apologize. According to the Associated Press, those of us writing in newspapers must stop saying “illegal immigrants” and substitute the term “undocumented immigrants”. But I like Jay Leno’s term better: “undocumented Democrats.”
Here’s exciting news. NASA has requested a hundred million dollars for a plan to “lasso” an asteroid and pull it into an orbit close to the moon. Since there’s never been anyone better with a lasso, I suggest the rocket ship built to do this be called the “Will Rogers.” However, if you scoff at the idea of spending millions on a hair-brained scheme to round up an asteroid, I can understand why you may want it named after one of Will’s favorite horses: “Dopey.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers: (on taxes)
 “The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.” DT #1764, March 20, 1932
 “It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.” DT #1770, March 27, 1932
“Here is New York City where all the money in the world is, and where every guy with a dollar is doing better than he was a year ago. (They say) ‘What’s this country coming to? This income tax is terrible.’ (and) ‘I am doing better than I have since ‘29, but when are we going to get back to the good old days?’ Well, the good old days (for) most of us was when we didn’t earn enough to pay an income tax.”  DT #2699, March 31, 1935
 “California is pawing the ground over a proposed State income tax. The kicks would carry more weight if we could get somebody to kick that didn’t have to pay it. Some of our patriotic citizens have offered to leave the State if it passes and the State may take ‘em up on it.” DT #2184, Aug. 3, 1933
 “Everybody says, ‘Where’s the money coming from that we’re spending’? Well, offhand, I’d say it’s coming from those that have got it.” Radio, April 7, 1935