Month: October 2015

Did you watch the Benghazi Committee interview Hillary Clinton? Who do you think came out ahead?

Chances are, if you’re a Democrat the clear winner was the former Secretary of State. She was calm, responded to all inquiries, could not be rattled by blatantly unfair questions, and looked Presidential.

If you’re a Republican, Hillary lost, big time. She was oblivious to repeated pleas by Ambassador Stevens for more protection, misled the public about the cause of the attack, and lied to the families of the four murdered Americans.

If you’re the FBI…well, we’ll have to wait awhile for their opinion. The FBI works behind closed doors, not on live television. They are still recovering deleted files from the email server in the Clinton basement. The main question for the FBI: did she have classified documents on an unprotected server?

One thing that both Republicans and Democrats agree on is that Hillary Clinton is a liar. Republicans keep pounding on the lies; more than half of the American public calls her a liar; and Democrats say, “So what?”

Meanwhile, the Justice Department investigating the IRS says that Lois Lerner’s treatment of conservative non-profit organizations was a result of poor judgement, mismanagement, and perhaps incompetence, but it was not a crime. To use the President’s words, there was not a smidgen of evidence against her.

Republicans debate for the third time Wednesday night. They still have 14 candidates, although four of them will be relegated to the preliminary round. It might be fun to count the number of lies told by the 14. The next Democratic debate will be Nov. 14 in Iowa. They are down to three candidates, so there are lecterns available for any worthy Democrats who want to battle it out with Clinton, Sanders, and O’Malley.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.” DT #627, July30, 1928

“If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.” WA # 31, July 15, 1923

The Democrats held their first Presidential debate. They rounded up five candidates, but only Senator Sanders and Hillary Clinton drew much attention.

It was not much of a debate. They mainly battled over who could give away the most free stuff to the most people. Free college tuition, free health care for non-citizens, free family leave when you have a baby. Any discussion of how to pay for all the free stuff was put off until the next debate.

Late in the debate the moderator asked Clinton about her email server (which the FBI is still recovering classified emails from). But Sanders interrupted, “We’re all sick and tired of hearing about her emails.” The audience erupted in wild applause and the moderator dropped the topic. However, the FBI has not dropped it.

Because Mrs. Clinton served four years under President Obama, she was asked if she would be like a “third term of the Obama Administration.” She said, “Of course not. I’m different. I’m a woman.”

Senator Sanders made it pretty clear that if Hillary Clinton becomes President, he wants her to name him Ambassador to Denmark.

Hillary Clinton is back on the big stage again this Thursday, at the House Select Committee on Benghazi. Chairman Trey Gowdy will interview her about what she was doing before and during the Islamic terrorist attack that killed Ambassador Stevens and three other Americans in Libya. Of course, we already know what she was doing for a week or two after the attack: she was blaming the four deaths on a spontaneous riot by local citizens who got really mad after watching a controversial video. That committee interrogation will draw a lot of viewers, but no one will be paying closer attention than Vice-President Joe Biden.

Over in Syria, President Obama has welcomed Russia’s assistance in defeating ISIS. See, we’re over there helping some rebels go up against the Syrian dictator Assad, who has already killed about 250,000 of his own people, and we’re helping them fight ISIS at the same time. So our President was thrilled when Putin offered to help. He didn’t even mind when Putin invited Iran to send in thousands of soldiers to help also. You may remember that Obama said that Putin is weak. Now President Obama is poking fun at Putin’s army, “They can’t shoot straight. They aim their guns and cruise missiles at ISIS troops, yet their aim is so bad they keep hitting our friends who are fighting Assad. It’s hilarious.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

          “The American custom is that when you can’t beat a man at anything, why the last straw is to debate him.” Life magazine, Aug. 9, 1928

“If I wanted to start an insane asylum that would be 100 percent cuckoo, I would just admit applicants that thought they knew something about Russia.” DT #1291, Sept. 14, 1930

In case you haven’t heard, Congress is a mess. John Boehner wants to retire as House Speaker but they can’t find anyone to replace him, at least no one the Republicans can agree on. For the sake of the country and to preserve the Union, I’m willing to sacrifice any honor and good will garnered over the years of poking fun at those folks that inhabit the old joke factory.

Therefore, I am prepared in these turbulent times to succumb to a “Draft Will Rogers for Speaker” campaign.
Yes, Daniel Webster is a candidate. Daniel Webster?  He must be two hundred years old.  Some folks want to draft young Paul Ryan but he says being Speaker would take too much time away from his small children. (In 2012 he actually wanted to be Vice-President, which gives you an idea how strenuous that job must be.)  So I’m your compromise candidate, not too old, not too young.

For years folks have asked me, “Where do you get your humorous material?” I tell ‘em, I just watch Congress and report the facts. Don’t even have to exaggerate. Well, there couldn’t possibly be a better spot to collect the hilarious comments from those 435 birds than to sit in the seat of the Speaker and take notes.

You probably know my statue is in the Capitol hallway positioned to keep an eye on the House. They walk by every day, usually ignoring my learned wisdom. They stop and talk to the TV cameras right in front of me, with me smiling at ‘em over their shoulder. They act like I’m not even there.  Well, if elected I’m gonna move my statue up there beside the Speaker chair. They can’t ignore my homely stare when I’m in front of them 24/7.

I don’t have enough dough to influence any member of Congress. So I’ll just hand each one a small but meaningful gift of chocolate.  A friend in Delaware molds chocolate in the shape of gears. How’s that for a winning symbol? Rogers can get the wheels of Congress turning again! The gears in their transmission aren’t meshing; they’re grinding.  I’ll get the gears synchronized, running smooth, well oiled.  If I order a few hundred of those chocolate gears, I bet I could impose on Joe Biden to bring ‘em to Washington. He goes home every weekend on Amtrak, and I bet he would do it. I met him once when I was invited to speak at a big Delaware agriculture dinner. Nice man, and funny.

I can get along with all varieties of Republicans. I know I can count on the full support of my Oklahoma Congressman Markwayne Mullin. I’ve been around long enough to be considered Establishment. And I like Tea. Especially sweet tea. Even the Democrats would support me. For many years I used to say, “I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.” Now it’s the Republicans who are desperate and in disarray.

I understand better than any other possible candidate that things in this country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

I realize there is no shortage of comedy emanating from the House chamber. Mine will be the only intentional comedy. Any tears will be tears of joy.

Now I admit it would be quite a sacrifice to go to Washington. But I should not complain if the country needs me until common sense prevails after the 2016 election. And the Speaker does have a really nice office.

On Monday, NASA announced there is water on Mars. On Tuesday, the EPA announced they have jurisdiction over all waters on or under the surface of Mars. (From now on WOTUS will be WOTUS&M.) On Wednesday, the Sierra Club said they would oppose drilling any wells on Mars because of the slight chance they might strike oil.

Speaking of oil, do you remember this news announcement in 1975? The government agency in charge of oil said that in 40 years (meaning 2015), the U.S. would run out of crude oil. And not only the U.S., but the whole world would have pumped the last barrel of oil from the last well on Earth.

That 1975 prediction was followed by a government rule that prohibited any crude oil from being exported. You can’t blame ‘em; no Congressman wants to let a precious, scarce commodity slip out of the country.

A few Senators from oil country are writing a bill to allow us to export crude oil again. Since President Obama allowed Iran to start exporting again, we are the only country forced to consume all our oil.

Imagine if we had a law that prevented farmers from exporting corn, soybeans, wheat, almonds, oranges or any other agriculture product. Either farmers would have to idle half their farmland, or we would have to eat twice as much. Neither option is a pretty sight: barren land, or bulging waistlines.

Hillary Clinton finally reached a decision on the Keystone XL Pipeline. She sided with President Obama, saying that if she is elected president any crude oil from Canada will have to come into this country by railcar, tanker truck or barrels in the back of a pickup. After the announcement she flew to her next campaign speech on a private jet. Probably solar powered.

Well, we had another school shooting. It was at a college where no guns are allowed. Have you noticed, these mass murderers pay no more attention to a sign that says “Gun Free Zone” than deer do to a sign that says “Deer Crossing.”

Over in Syria, Russia jumped into the war. Putin and Obama had a meeting but they could not agree on which enemy to bomb. Obama thinks Putin is helping us bomb ISIL targets. Putin says he is bombing ISIL, but is actually bombing our friends in Syria. Meanwhile our chief diplomat, John Kerry, met with Russia’s chief diplomat. They agreed on deconfliction. Do you know what that means? I don’t either. I doubt these two learned diplomats can define it. The best explanation I could find comes from Will Rogers: “Diplomacy was invented by Webster to use up all the words in his dictionary that didn’t mean anything.” (Saturday Evening Post, June 9, 1928)