Author: Randall Reeder

# 381, October 3, 2005

COLUMBUS: The Senate confirmed John Roberts and he took over the Supreme Court today. The president nominated Harriet Miers for the other opening. Nobody ever heard of her. He explained that he doesn’t think a man or woman has to actually be a judge to know how to judge.

You ask a Congressman or Senator what qualifications they had before being elected, and I bet you none of them felt especially well prepared for the mess they faced on their arrival at the old joke factory. So these new Justices may be as good as any the President could round up, considering the limits placed on him. See, he didn’t have to pick a sitting judge, but he was practically forced to name a lawyer.

On Thursday I was in Stark County, to address the school bus drivers and mechanics. That’s the home of Massillon and Canton, the twin football capitals of Ohio. They start ’em as four year olds and keep ’em going right through the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

It takes 600 bus drivers to haul all their students, and they received longevity awards, for survival. At 20 years they receive a watch. And at 30 years they got a plaque. I announced a new award for 40 years: they get a bus. Of course the bus they get is the first one they drove. There was one driver at the dinner with 45 years, but he refused to accept the bus unless it came with its own mechanic.

In Georgia the governor canceled school for 2 days last week to save all the diesel fuel used by the buses. It was a surprise holiday and you can guess who was the happiest about it. In other news from Georgia, the governor asked the Legislature to lower the voting age…. to six.

These Ohio drivers scoffed at the fuel saving idea. They said, if we run out of fuel, we’ll get the students off the bus and we’ll all push it to school. Now, that’s how you build champion football players.

Tom DeLay was indicted for political corruption in Texas. I saw him interviewed on television and he said, “I’m innocent. Everything I did down there I checked with lawyers. No check ever crossed my desk unless 3 independent lawyers approved the transaction.” Now, you see right there he practically admitted guilt. Anybody who’s doing something legal and above board don’t need a dozen lawyers to tell him tell him if he’s ethical or not. The more lawyers a man requires to tell him if he’s honest, the more certain you can be that he ain’t.

But it’s no big surprise. This week they trapped a Republican. Won’t be long till they grab a Democrat, soon as they can find one that’s actually received any contributions.

I promised to give you a plan for New Orleans. And I’ll get to it next time. The mud has to dry out a bit before you can work it anyhow.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Democrats and Republicans are equally corrupt; it’s only in the amount where the Republicans excel.” undated notes

On this one, Will was not referring to the challenge facing our Senators voting on Supreme Court nominees, but it applies: “We only get to vote on some person; we never get to vote on what he is to do.” Saturday Evening Post, April 30, 1932

# 380, Sept 24, 2005

COLUMBUS: Those folks along the Gulf coast sure didn’t need another hurricane. Texas was ready for it, and they left town, or tried to till the roads filled with parked cars. Even Louisiana learned a lesson from Katrina and there was no one left below sea level when Rita hit the shore. Worst of the wind is over, but if it rains for 3 more days keep your boat gassed up. At least the Mississippi River is low and in need of more water.

You’ve been hearing all about the cities, but flooding hurt the farmers, too. Cotton and soybeans got ruined on thousands and thousands of acres. It’s extra painful for a farmer to have a crop full grown and ready for the picker and see it drowned or flattened by wind. Katrina cost ’em over a billion dollars, and Rita will likely add at least a half billion to the bill.

In Louisiana they say we’re not sending enough soil down the Mississippi to replenish their coastline. Now, we’ve been sending our topsoil down there for centuries, and our farmers have decided they would rather keep it up here in the Midwest and use it themselves. You go back in history far enough you’ll find the lower half of Louisiana was under water, and it was only the generosity of the upper Mississippi River and all its tributaries that contributed a sufficient amount of mud to build it up to where real estate salesmen could persuade a man to build a house on it.

Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns was in Ohio Tuesday. Said he was here to listen to farmers, and he did, too. He talked for ten minutes then sat there and let the farmers talk for two hours. The young folks asked him to make it easier for them to get started in farming, but none of the old farmers offered to take less for their land.

Farmers in favor of soil conservation say they would prefer to receive a few dollars to help buy no-till machinery rather than getting a tax subsidy of a few cents a bushel for their crops. If Mr. Johanns follows up on that one, Louisiana may have to use their own top soil to raise their coastline.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(Note: on this one just substitute Louisiana for Florida)

“We have been awful lax on that Florida situation. You see it just got worse and worse, and there wasent the response that there should have been. It don’t show a very healthy condition when we get in the condition that we are thinking more about politics than we are about the down and out of our own people. You see Florida was unfortunate in that it was the second time the same territory had needed help. It was just the psychology of the thing, helping the same fellow twice… It was not that it was Florida’s fault, but human nature is a funny thing and the minute something happened down there they begin to think what they had given to the same State (previously).
But my Lord it might happen to any community a dozen times and that would not lessen the need. They have had hard luck down there and they don’t deserve it.” WA #302, Oct. 7, 1928

Folks, my friend R. Alan Smith of Arizona emailed me about a wonderful article, written by Martha Groves in the Los Angeles Times this morning: Roping In a Legacy. The link below takes you right to it, and it has a well-done video also. It’s about Will and how the state of California is refurbishing the house and barn at the Will Rogers State Park near Santa Monica. (It works good on a high speed connection; not too sure about a slow one.)
Will Rogers was the most beloved American of his day. His memory, like his ranch, has faded, but family and fans are working on both.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-willrogers14sep14,0,1092418.story?track=tothtml

My own comments are short this week, because I want you to read what all Will wrote about the 1927 flood. This is quite a bit longer than usual, but you will be amazed how his commentary parallels some of the opinions you are reading in newspapers today.

Weekly Comments: Louisiana, continued
# 379, Sept 14, 2005

COLUMBUS: I got a lovely letter following my comments last week, from a fellow who’s dad and grandparents were in the middle of the 1927 flood. He wrote: “I have a picture somewhere of my Dad standing in a flat boat next to his Dad and Mom’s farmhouse in the flood 1927. He could not even paddle in, much less walk in, because the water was 8 or 10 inches from the top of the windows. My Aunts and Uncles and Dad told us about that flood when we were kids.” He gave me quite an education about how tough and resilient Louisiana folks are, and an inkling of who might deserve some of the blame for actions in the years since 1927 that led to this present day catastrophe. I’ll let you read a bit more of it next week, if he’ll allow it, because it is not the same as what you see today.

The President will go on television tomorrow night, probably announcing what he would do different for the next Hurricane. I don’t want to interfere with anything he might say, but I have heard we will give New Orleans at least $100 Billion for relief.

For that you ought to be able to buy New Orleans, at least the part below sea level. In fact if we’re going to spend it, that would be a great idea because you would only have to spend it once. For a family living in a $50,000 house below sea level, it will cost at least $100,000 to rebuild it, and the next hurricane it’ll get flooded again and cost us $150,000. So let’s buy it once, and let it fill with water. We’ll at least have the pleasure of knowing somebody can go fishing on our investment.

Now we know these folks want to go right back where they lived, and who can blame them. But let’s make sure where they build is above water level, even if they have to move a mile or two uphill from the old homestead. Anybody that insists on living below sea level, let ’em rebuild in Death Valley or Holland. I ain’t being cruel or cold-hearted, and next week I’ll give you more of the plan to get them above sea level.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (continued from last week, on the 1927 Mississippi River flood)

The first two are “Daily Telegrams”, written June 1 and 2, 1927.

(June 1) “This whole valley’s appreciation to all the rest of the United States is wonderful. I am not going to tell you about the show and how much we got until tomorrow, but it will beat any benefit given for the cause anywhere. Thanks to friends from all over America for checks.

Hoover has done a wonderful work down here. Tomorrow I am flying all over the new part where the water has broken through and is still rising. Just saw today the cut they made to save the city and saw the refugees. If you could see this you would double your donations. Remember, we are a million and a half shy yet.”

BATON ROUGE, La., June 2. “I have flew over more water today than Lindbergh did, only this had housetops sticking out of it. New Orleans broke the record with their benefit last night. Forty-eight thousand dollars! That’s more than double any other one given, anywhere. They know the needs of it here. Want to tell you more about it and who all sent checks in an early Sunday article. Thanks everybody.”

Will wrote three “Weekly Articles” that focused largely on the flood. These articles were typically published a week or two after he wrote them.

WA #230, published May 8, 1927

“I tell you about the best way to judge these calamities is to trust the judgment of the Red Cross. They are a wonderful body of people, above all politics. They generally know the real needs of the people. That is the real needs of the poor people.

I don’t really believe that 80 or 90 per cent of the people realize just what flood disaster means, and what type of people it is that lost most by this particular horror. An Earthquake, a Fire, a Tornado, or anything like that is over in a few minutes. You know what you lost and you know what you got left. But look at this particular flood we have been reading of it for over 6 weeks. If your house burns out in the country you can run over to some one else’s and stay, but with this when yours go your neighbor’s go too.

The poorest class of people in this country is the renter farmer, or the ones that tends the little patch of ground on shares. He is in debt from one crop to the other to the store keeper, or the little local bank. He never has a dollar that he can call his own.

Then when you talk about poor people that have been hit by this flood, look at the thousands and thousands of Negroes that never did have much, but now it’s washed away. You don’t want to forget that water is just as high up on them as it is if they were white. The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require about the same amount of nourishment.

What gets my Goat is hearing constantly, “Why don’t those people move out of there? There are floods every year.” How are they going to move? Who is going to move ’em? Where are they going to move to, and what are they going to do when they move there? Why don’t you move? Maybe you could do better some place else. That’s the trouble with us. It’s why don’t everybody do something but us. Wait till a calamity hits where you are, and then they can ask, “Why don’t you move?””

WA #231, published May 15

“I got a wire from a very influential club in New Orleans saying: “The Government has cut our levee at our expense and overflowed five counties, so that the SEWERAGE from Chicago, Kansas City, St. Louis and Memphis can get past Canal Street here in New Orleans.” I wonder if there ain’t a bit of truth in that statement. Even a town where people live on top of a hill they are not allowed to just throw everything out of their doors and let it roll down the hill on to the people that live at the bottom on the level ground.

Well I see where they are going to take it up in Congress when it meets in December, so that means that while next year’s re-occurrence of this flood is devastating the country, why the sufferers will at least have the consolation that Congress is “thinking and talking about them anyway.” There will be bills introduced in there to regulate the rainfalls. Some will suggest moving the river over in to some other Senator’s state. Some will suggest letting it empty into the Grand Canyon where the levees on each side are high enough now without rebuilding them. Someone will introduce a bill to have the river run up hill so it won’t go so fast.

But the people down there better not put too much dependence in Congress. They can grow web feet quicker than Congress will relieve ’em. If I was them, I would make my next house a house boat. But Congress might fool us, and let us all hope and pray they will, for if anybody ever needed help it’s those people down there.”

WA #236, published June 19, 1927

“I last wrote you when I was going into New Orleans to give the benefit. Well, sir, it would have done your heart good to have seen how the whole city did cooperate on that little performance. All three papers helped wonderfully, and all the people of the town. We got 48 thousand dollars, that’s the most any benefit has raised anywhere in America. It’s over twice as much. They are fine people down there and they know the need of the money being raised. The flood at no time was in New Orleans, but it was in great danger at one time.

So now everybody’s thoughts are on having the government settle on some policy where it will never occur again. The next day [June 2] I went up to Baton Rouge and met a lot of the men who were responsible for the great work done in the rescue. They were through and scattering to their various army assignments. Major Gotwals, and Major McCoy, two who had done especially heroic work, both said they had never in all their army experience seen everybody and everything work together like they did in this work. You see there was about a half dozen different branches of the Government service there, Army, Navy, Naval Aviation, Army Aviation, Coast Guard, Rum Runner Boats, Geological Survey Forces. They all pitched in and worked, no matter who the orders come from. The National Guard also did great work.

It sure does make you proud of our men in the service when you see what they can really do. We don’t have as many, in our service as lots of them, but I tell you we have a very high class bunch of men. And the Red Cross, that just almost goes without saying. We are so used to the things that they do that we sometimes just forget to praise them. But this time they outdid themselves. It was the biggest thing since the war, and they were on the ground and just in a couple of weeks feeding and housing and caring for as many as six hundred thousand. And I want to tell you they were cared for, too.

I went through some of the camps, both whites and colored ones, and it would have made you feel that every dollar you gave went right where it belonged. Lord, what a blessing an organization like that is. I would have rather originated the Red Cross than to have written the Constitution of the U.S. Hoover can run for President and be elected down there, even over a Democrat. He did wonderful work. But that’s why he is not a politician. He is too competent. Something big comes along; we look to Hoover to do it. Some little sorter half dirty work comes along; we look to a politician to do it.

A Navy flier took me for hundreds of miles over nothing but a sea of water and housetops. If you have never seen a flood you don’t know what horror is. These fliers were real heroes. They flew all over the tops of those swamps, locating people for the boats to get. Planes proved their worth, right in that flood.

Now the argument has started. What to do to give permanent relief down there. The cry of those people down there is, “We don’t want relief and charity; we want protection.” … Course if it ever gets into Congress, I would just as soon try to swim upstream against the flood as to be in the hands of Congress. For every old Senator will want to tack his little flood or power bill of his little river onto this one so he can get it through.

Spillways is the only thing they can build, so these smartest of Government Engineers told me. They can’t get the levees any higher and save it. They have to put in some way of relieving the river of part of the water. It’s got to be done. It’s the biggest thing before the country today. Course we are liable to have to cut down on ammunition expenditures in Nicaragua and China. But it looks like saving and protecting some of our own is better than trying to shoot somebody else, especially when we have to go so far to get to shoot at ’em.

But the flood has been a great lesson to us. The people have done their part, now it’s up to the Government to do theirs. But if you want to get some comedy, wait till they start in suggesting what to do. One fellow seriously wants to bore holes in the bottom of the river and let the water out. Another one wants to dig a ditch alongside of the river and run the extra back into the Great Lakes. He had it all (figured out) with the possible exception of the water running up hill.“

# 378, Sept 6, 2005

COLUMBUS: Now I ain’t one to jump into this New Orleans mess and pass judgement. Like all of you, my heart goes out to the people directly affected in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, and to the families of the National Guard, Coast Guard and all others who rushed there to help. Nobody deserves a bigger thanks than Texas. Here they are taking in thousands and thousands of people, and they’re all Democrats. At least they were when they left New Orleans. If they hang around Houston, George and Barbara may get ’em to vote Republican.

Here is a fact, as best I remember it: It was 13 days ago that a gigantic hurricane was forecast to take dead aim on New Orleans some 4 or 5 days hence. That extremely accurate prediction was made by an agency of the United States government, so don’t go laying all the blame on the Feds.

All I know is what I read in the newspaper. The Times-Picayune reports that as a result of a big hurricane New Orleans is flooded, poor people are stranded and hungry and clinging to rooftops, and chaos rules. Of course that was in the paper three years ago, but nobody at City Hall bothered to read it, even if they could read. Blame the editor for not putting in more pictures.

Yesterday the Governor said it was ok with her if policemen “shoot to kill” the criminals instead of just writing ’em a ticket. Today the Mayor ordered the evacuation of everybody in New Orleans. He says the President was 4 days late leaving Crawford, but he’s got to explain why he was 12 days late with the forced evacuation. Tonight the sniping, whining and looting moved from Louisiana to Congress.

If you want a hint as to where the responsibility lies, ask this question of the Mayor and Governor: “If you go back to August 24, and do it all over again, what would you do different?”

Well, I bet you their answer would be as follows: “First, immediately we would get school bus drivers to pick up the families of every New Orleans policeman and fireman, and take them to Shreveport out of harms way. At the same time we would order the policemen to round up every criminal, – either known, suspected or paroled – disarm them and deliver them, along with current jailbirds, to the nearest state prison for safe keeping. Any school buses left over would be used to gather the families of city officials, – at least the essential ones who weren’t taken off in the previous group – and deposit them in a safe, upstate location. Firemen would be dispatched to every store that sells or handles guns and ammunition of any type, confiscate them and haul them to a secure, undisclosed location. We’ll do all that the first day. The second day we empty the hospitals and nursing homes and take them to available medical facilities in Louisiana and Texas.

“That leaves us 2 days to get everybody else out of town. Oh, we forgot to tell you, to be absolutely certain it would happen just as we have described it, we would turn the whole operation over to General Honore.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers: (on the Mississippi River flood of 1927)

The following quotes are from Daily Telegrams numbered from 236 to 267…(April 25) “I don’t believe our people that have never been around a flood area realize the tremendous need of these sufferers down on the Mississippi. It’s by far the worst thing that has happened in this country in years. A fire don’t start to do the damage that a flood does. We have helped every nationality in the world. Now we have a chance to help the poorest people we have in America, and that is the renter farmer.

Most of the people need help, even when there is no flood, but they have always been too proud to ask for it. Mr. Ziegfeld has generously given me his wonderful new theater in New York City, and I am going to put on my little one-man dogfight for this great cause next Sunday night. So even if you don’t like cowboy gum chewers on the stage, come anyway and help out a real cause. They will get every cent that comes in.”

(April 26) “What the whole country has got to do is wake up and give. These people are going to need assistance for months.”

(April 28) “There’s hundreds of thousands of people being driven from their homes homes that won’t be there when they come back. These poor people have never harmed a soul.”

(May 1) “(President) Coolidge is going to make another Red Cross appeal for more funds. Don’t stop at your quota. This is the biggest need we ever had in this country.”

(May 2) “Well, our benefit turned out fine. We got $17,950, and more checks still coming in. Want to try to thank everybody from all over the country that helped out. Now don’t slack on this stuff because New Orleans is out of danger. That doesn’t alter the need of those hundreds of thousands of others who will have to be supported.”

(May 3) “Just speeding along the old Hudson River the last three hours. I was thinking how many millions and millions of dollars would be raised overnight if it was out of its banks and doing the same amount of damage that the old Mississippi is. Makes a lot of difference where a thing happens.”

(May 13) “I am tired of reading about ‘our town has reached its quota of flood relief funds.’ There isn’t any quota! A new break is reported every day and thousands more are in need. If you were hungry and some one gave you a sandwich would you have your quota? Can that quota gag and keep on working!”

(May 25) “Another levee broke today; another hundred thousand standing on the banks. Don’t forget that when you eat your big dinner and sleep in a nice dry bed tonight.”

(May 27) “I hate to keep digging on it, but we still have 600,000 of our own whose homes are now floating toward Nicaragua. We can’t seem to get the Government interested in them financially. I wish you would send some checks to the Red Cross of New Orleans. I am going there next Wednesday night, June 1, to give a benefit, and it already has more money assured than any one given in any part of the country. Why? Because they are right there and they know the needs of the people. If 600,000 people had lost their all and were being fed by charity in the East they would raise fifty million in a day. Come on, let’s help them, even if they are not Armenians. They can’t help it because of their nationality.”

(May 29) “Didn’t I tell you Saturday that there were 600,000 people needing help? And that it would take more money than they had asked for? Now today (Secretary of Commerce) Herbert Hoover says there are 700,000, and he is asking for only 2,000,000 more dollars. This whole thing has been underestimated from the start. Why not ask for some real sum? It couldn’t be too high. Remember Wednesday night to send a check to the New Orleans Red Cross. We want to break all records at that benefit.”

(May 30) “On my way to New Orleans tonight for the benefit. Send some money.”

[more next week]

As I write this on Sunday afternoon, if you have been watching the News, you know that “Catastrophe Katrina” is about to hit New Orleans and a broad strip of the Gulf Coast.

“Weekly Comments” is written as of Saturday morning (yesterday) while we were still on the American Queen. We spent much of Saturday touring New Orleans, including the French Quarter, Jackson Park, and the river front which has been shown frequently on newscasts today. We flew home to Ohio last night.

In case you are wondering, the American Queen was scheduled to depart Saturday evening with a new group of excited steamboaters, and I’m guessing they have revised the schedule and will keep on rollin’ up the river as rapidly as possible to minimize the danger.

Like you, we fear the worst for New Orleans and the other coastal areas, but we pray for a miracle.

Regardless of the intensity of the Hurricane Katrina, there will be a great need for relief for families who are displaced (or worse). If anybody wants to put on a fundraiser to help with the relief effort, and you think the presence and entertainment of “Will Rogers” can aid the cause and pull in a few thousand dollars, let me know.

Randall

Louisiana and Iraq’s Constitution draw Will’s attention

# 377, August 27, 2005

ABOARD THE AMERICAN QUEEN: For the second time this month, we had a wonderful time on this big sternwheeler. If you ever want a great audience for old-fashioned comedy get on stage on one of these steamboats. For this particular round trip from New Orleans, we got upriver as far as Vicksburg. Other times the American Queen starts and stops at places such as St. Louis, St. Paul, Cincinnati and Pittsburgh.

Spent a day at Baton Rouge, Huey Long’s home ground. Toured the Capitol Building that Huey designed himself while he was Governor. It’s a skyscraper, and they told me it has more marble than any other building. It took only 14 months to build, and cost $5 million in1932. On the 27^th floor is an observation deck on the outside that goes all the way around. I think that was to let Huey look out over his subjects.

Politics and Louisiana are synonymous; you can’t talk about state politics anywhere in this country without Louisiana politics entering the conversation. And Huey’s name is usually at the center of it.

In 1970 the Louisiana Senate was ready to vote on a bill to let men work without joining a union. So a half dozen members of one union decided to protest, and in a fashion that’s rare even in Louisiana politics, they set off a dynamite blast. Inside the Senate chamber. It went off in the middle of the night and pretty much destroyed the inside of the chamber, doing millions of dollars of damage. It was intended to go off during the day while the Senators were voting. Their lives were saved only because those boys were ignorant on how to correctly set a clock. The Senate chamber was restored to its original grandeur, with only one piece of evidence of the blast: a pencil was embedded in the ceiling about forty feet above the floor, and it’s still there.

All I know is what I read in the newspaper. Everybody is frustrated that Iraq can’t agree on a Constitution. They been working on it for a couple of years. Now just imagine, if we didn’t have a Constitution and we had to start writing one from scratch. Why, it would take 20 years, and you still wouldn’t have agreement between Pat Robertson and Ted Kennedy.

Gas prices are up $0.73 since last year. You can’t blame that on the Democrats. Remember, they wanted to raise the price by only $0.50, and got voted down.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

[Note: Huey Long was one of Will’s favorite “characters”, and Will referred to him more than 60 times in his newspaper columns and radio programs. Below are two of them. Huey Long was Governor from 1928-32, and a Senator from 1932 till his death in Sept.1935, just a month after Will died. His goal in life was to become President. Sen. Long was assassinated in a hallway in the Louisiana Capitol and you can stand on that spot and read about it. He is buried on the Capitol grounds.]

“That Huey Long episode in our history like to took up as much of our political historical space as anything George Washington did. Huey made the boys a few preliminary remarks that lasted well into the latter part of January. Huey had it in for Carter Glass [who sponsored] a very sound banking bill. Certainly knows what one should be. Then right in the midst of it to hear somebody crashing right through the Louisiana cane breaks with an arm load of adjectives that it would take a good strong voiced man a month to dispose of. Why naturally that was dumbfounding to the sensibilities of a man of the Carter Glass type.

But you can’t blame Huey near as much as you can blame the system that allows a prolonged thing like that…. I was a hoping that Huey might be the means of getting a rule like that changed. I’ll bet you another one or two of those Filibusters break out before this session is over. This Huey Long spree of consonants and vowels that he excelled in, why it’s not the first one in the Senate by any means. Somebody is always trying to talk a bill to death in there. But Huey killed the bill and wounded the Senate.” WA #527, Jan. 29,1933

“I hate to report any short-comings in one of my heroes, but Huey is going back. Imagine only being able to talk sixteen hours [in a filibuster]. Why before he was fattened by the luxury of senatorial life, he would have talked right on into July.

But at that he pulled the biggest and most educational novelty ever introduced in the Senate. He read ’em the Constitution of the U. S. A lot of ’em thought he was reviewing a new book.” DT # 2763, June 13, 1935.

# 376, August 18, 2005

MINSTER, Ohi I’m out here on a farm in western Ohio with over a hundred farmers learning how to use the latest technology and machinery. These folks know you don’t have to plow up the ground to make a profit, but you do need rain. Corn and soybeans are maturing nicely on this farm, owned and run expertly by Bill Lehmkuhl, but many other farms have had only 2 or 3 inches of rain all summer, and their prospects don’t look promising for harvest. You can be the best farmer in the world, but without rain or irrigation you’re sunk.

In Columbus, Governor Taft was arrested yesterday. For playing golf. Now you could probably name a few golfers who deserve to be jailed. But seldom does a Governor, or even a Senator, get hauled off a green in handcuffs.

Of course it ain’t illegal to play golf in Ohio, the proud home of Jack Nicklaus. But if you’re a governor and you play golf, and don’t pay for playing, then Ohio says it’s not exactly ethical. They frown on lobbyists picking up the tab for a forgetful governor.

It seems that about once a week the Governor slipped out of the Capitol to work on his golf game. If they indicted everyone who played golf when they claimed to be working, there wouldn’t be anyone left to run the country.

No one knows for sure whether he was practicing or playing, but the Governor apologized and told the judge he would put down his putter till his term ends and concentrating on governing. You just watch. For the next year and a half this old state will take off on an economic boom.

Saturday I’m back on The American Queen. We’re supposed to cruise up the Mississippi from New Orleans to Vicksburg, but the river is so low they may have to make some changes to keep from scraping bottom. Barges are already hauling less so they ride higher in the water. These steamboat operators may be forced to put us all on a diet. See, on the average cruise everybody is so well fed, the boat runs about a foot deeper at the end than at the start. Salads and fruit for everyone.

(Here’s the web site: http://deltaqueen.com/cruises/themes_legends.htm)

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Today (in New York State and New Mexico) they are voting on whether to keep a Governor two years or four. I think a good, honest Governor should get four years, and the others life.” DT #405, Nov. 8, 1927

“About all there is to prominent men nowadays is their golf. It has always been a mystery to me how our old time men ever got as good as they were without golf. Just imagine if Lincoln had had golf to add to his other accomplishments. There is a boy you would have been proud of.” WA # 15, March 25, 1923

“(Golf) is the only game in the world where practicing it and playing it is the same thing.” WA #163, Jan. 24, 1926

# 375, August 10, 2005

COLUMBUS: Last week President Bush signed the Energy Bill, and oil shot up to $65 a barrel. This week he signed the Highway Bill for $286 Billion and people are asking what’s the use of building highways if you can’t afford to drive on ’em.

Even if we stop driving, you know who’s gonna to do the paying. Plus gratuity. Of the $286 Billion about $25 Billion is earmarked for the sole purpose of re-electing your Congressman, making 2006 the most expensive election campaign in history. Of the remainder a small portion is, in fact, set aside to build and improve our highways.

Alaska’s lone Congressman wrangled $230 million for a bridge. It’s gonna be named Don Young’s Way. Now here’s a sneak peek into Don Young’s Way of getting re-elected: he told Alaska, if you keep voting for me, next time I’ll get an even bigger and better appropriation, and we’ll build a road to the bridge. At both ends. And if that’s successful, and I eventually worm my way into the Senate, I’ll get the Army Corps of Engineers to construct a river under the bridge. If that works, we’ll bring in some water. Naturally we’ll need an enormous heating system for it. Otherwise it would be froze solid nine months of the year, and we can’t allow that. See, people would just drive across the river for free, with no apparent need for a bridge or a $230 million appropriation. And no apparent need for a Congressman Young.

Now this is not just Young’s way, most of them operate under the same system. In West Virginia a Congressman got $16 million for an “Appalachian Transportation Institute”. What Appalachia needs is not another institution; what they need is $16 million for asphalt.

Arkansas gets $3 million for “dust control mitigation” on rural roads. These Arkansas rural folks, just like the ones in West Virginia, know the real way to mitigate your dust is a layer of asphalt.

California’s Ronald Reagan Freeway is to get $2 million for flowers. If it was up to Mr. Reagan, don’t you think he would have called up a few dozen garden clubs and asked them to volunteer a couple of weekends a year to plant flower seeds along the road? Then he would send the $2 million back to the ones that paid it.

New York is to get half a million to fix up a warehouse on the Erie Canal. It seems today’s trains and airplanes are just too slow for New York’s shipping and storage needs.

Louisiana got a nice increase, but not as much as Huey Long could have wrung out of ’em.

In the past month or so I’ve been traveling quite a bit. I made four round trips on Northwest and Delta. Now that ain’t much travel for some of you, but I want you to know that all the flights were on time, no problems, and my luggage arrived at the same time I did. More good news, even the Space Shuttle had a perfect landing.

Delta Airlines is suffering a loss of capitalization, and I’m surprised some Georgia Congressman didn’t request an appropriation of a few million dollars so he could just buy the whole thing, lock, stock and 747’s. Delta’s gotta be worth more than a bridge.

They just caught those two Tennessee fugitives in a motel here in Columbus. Who says you’ve got to leave Ohio to find excitement.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“We cuss (Congress) and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart; and if they wasent in that, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” Saturday Evening Post, July 24, 1926

# 374, August 3, 2005

ABOARD THE AMERICAN QUEEN: You folks have probably seen the Mississippi River, either from an airplane at 30,000 feet, or while driving across a bridge. But you can’t say you’re really acquainted with this river until you have been in the middle of it on a boat. Now I’m not making light of the floods of 1993 or 1927 or other years when people were wading in it ten miles from the shore.

I don’t have to sell you on the idea that this is a great river. Mark Twain already did that. What I am suggesting is the next time you think about going on a cruise in the Carribean, or Mediterranean or even the Nile, well, you might want to cruise in our own home waters first. You can’t find any home waters that’s more American than the Mississippi. After looking over this river from one end to the other, then you can explore the Ohio, or Missouri, or Tennessee or even the Tombigbee.

To give you an idea of the draw this American Queen has on folks, we had ’em from all over. California, Florida, Washington state, New Hampshire, Texas, Alabama, everywhere. June and July were the hottest on record in New England, yet we had folks from up there. Imagine a family sitting around the dining room table in New York or Boston a month ago and saying, where can we go for a week to escape this heat? Louisiana! One family has 22 members together for a reunion on the boat, and six days into it they’re all still speaking to each other and having a great time.

There’s a lot of comedy on this steamboat. You folks know I would never resort to bathroom humor, but the following two signs were, in fact, in the bathroom of every stateroom, on little placards. One said, “Conserve Water”. Say, aren’t we on a river? If this was a camel safari across the Sahara, of course I’d conserve water. The other one read (and I’ll let you ponder on this one yourself, without interruption), “Do not put anything in the toilet except toilet paper.”

This comedy, if any, belongs to the American Queen. This is not Rogers’ comedy. Now, of course we know what the signs mean, and we don’t mind using the same towel for a few days to save laundry water. And nobody is going to intentionally try to flush their cigarette butts, or baby diapers…, or Depends.

Speaking of conserving water, this mighty Mississip is mighty low. There’s a drought along most of the river and a lot of tributaries. Naturally there’s just as much water going out the lower end as ever, but not as much coming in. It’s harder for a boat this size to find a place to dock. At Vicksburg we had to pull in a few miles downriver and take a bus to the historic Civil War battlefield. In Natchez we got a good history lesson called “Southern Road To Freedom”, presented with passion and great music. St. Francisville has antebellum homes and Cajun Country flavor.

Well, if this dry weather continues into fall, they’ll have to put wheels under the barges. That would add a new meaning to the phrase, Rollin’ Down the River. Of course if it don’t rain, there won’t be much grain for those barges to haul.

Of course there’s a little news this week. The Highway bill, the Bolton appointment, steroid use by what everyone knows as a great baseball player up to now. And the Space Shuttle repairs being completed with the aid of duct tape. (Apparently they neglected to take along baling wire.) But all this news will have to wait till next week. The President and Congress are on break, so right there is the first good news of the month.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(The Mississippi) is a beautiful river (here at Davenport, Iowa). There is just as much water in it here as there is (farther downstream), but not as much mud. Down there it don’t flow; it just oozes along with just enough water in it to keep the mud moving.” WA #152, Nov. 8, 1925

(Will’s words are in bold; I added the rest to complete the story.)

In 1935 Irvin Cobb and I made a picture together called “Steamboat Round the Bend.” John Ford is the director. “In the story, we play steamboat captains, he and I, and we have a race. He is the captain of the Pride of Paducah, and I’m the admiral of the Claremore Queen. If this news gets back to Claremore that they had a big stern- wheeler named after ’em, it’ll be a surprise to them.

Irvin Cobb’s been on a riverboat before, and he’s kind of our technical director, too. He’s familiar with it. See, I was never on one of those things before, and he tells us how to act, and not to walk off when the thing has left the shore.

The movie is set on the Ohio River, just above where it empties into the Mississippi. But being Hollywood, we made the movie entirely in California. For the Steamboat race, we went up to Sacramento to work on the Sacramento River. We could have worked on the Los Angeles River, but they’d have had to haul the water too far.” Radio broadcast, May 19, 1935

# 373, July 28, 2005

HOYTVILLE, Ohio:  Last week I reminded you that for farmers, the relief they get from the sky is better than waiting for relief from Washington. Well, after going through a long dry spell, relief has arrived. A total of 6 inches of rain fell here in two weeks, so the crops have recovered and look mighty promising.

Now that don’t mean everybody got relief. There’s plenty of farms in this part of northwestern Ohio, and all across the Midwest that are still suffering. The rain clouds appear on the horizon, then just as they get close to your farm, they turn away.

About a hundred farmers gathered at this ag experiment station this evening to learn about fertilizer and tillage, and assorted bugs, weeds and other pests.

For some of you folks, spreading nitrogen on your lawn to keep it green is your only direct connection to fertilizer. And then you irrigate it to be sure you can’t go a week without mowing.

Well, these Ohio farmers don’t irrigate and they found out that about 100 to 125 pounds of nitrogen is all they need for good corn, as long as the rains come. Rain and other environmental conditions mainly determine how big the crop will be, not fertilizer.

And tillage doesn’t help. No-till did just as good for growing corn as a lot of tillage.

Farmers ain’t the only ones trying to solve their problems. NASA still can’t find a way to hold the foam to their fuel tanks. The big chunk that broke off didn’t appear to do any damage this time.

I reckon they have considered everything from Super Glue to Saran Wrap. But I bet they haven’t tried the one thing that’s been proven for at least a hundred years: baling wire. Any farmer could tell them: wrap those tanks with baling wire, and nothing will escape.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Just been prowling around up in this country with the farmers. They have about given up hope of getting farm relief and have decided to fertilize instead.” DT # 494, Feb. 26, 1928.

# 372, July 21, 2005

TAMPA, Fla: The news down here, besides the heat and John Roberts being nominated for Supreme Court, is turn signals. Florida has a new law that says you have to signal when you change lanes.

From now on, they’ll fine you a hundred dollars if you don’t turn on your signal. No word yet on the penalty for the even bigger problem in Florida, which is leaving it on.

Agricultural engineers and biological engineers are meeting here this week. Now, you may not know about the work of these engineers, but you sure know the benefits. Their organization, called ASABE, has almost 10,000 members in a hundred countries, and for almost a hundred years they have been working to make our supply of food more abundant, safer, and cheaper no matter where you live.

At the same time, they protect our water and air from pollution, and help farmers and ranchers improve the soil so folks a hundred years from now can still have an ample supply. Naturally, there’s plenty of scientists and others contributing, from the ones developing new seeds, to the food processors and folks working in grocery stores.

All these people together are making so much progress that our young folks in 20 or 30 years will expect food to be like music is today, just download it for free. They’ll figure out a way to get on the internet, log on and download their daily nourishment from PigglyWiggly.com, and store it, not on an Ipod but through a tube directly into their veins. That way they eliminate the inconvenience of shopping for groceries and even the trouble of chomping, chewing, and digesting. They’ll have to take up gum chewing to exercise their jaw bones.

Food’s nearly free already, compared to what it was 100 years ago. It’s kinda like the little doodads you see advertised as “free”, where you just pay small charge of $6.95 for shipping and handling. With food, you pay for shipping and handling, and then the shippers and handlers pay a small percentage to the farmers to cover the cost of producing the raw materials they’re shipping and handling.

The Tampa Tribune says Florida will pay more for hurricane insurance. Home owners up north say they are tired of subsidizing the cost of folks rebuilding their houses on the beach every time a hurricane hits. Of course there’s tornados, but not so often, and floods, but these northerners say they don’t intentionally build a half-million dollar house on a river bank.

It’s hot in Tampa, but even hotter in the our southwestern states. And farmers from Texas to the Great Lakes are still suffering from drought. Of course those folks are accustomed to some inconvenience and are optimistic they’ll eventually get rain to relieve them.

Say, here’s some good news, and it was a long time coming. From now on, July 23 will be celebrated as the National Day for the American Cowboy. So put on your boots and Stetson hat, build a campfire, and sing some cowboy songs by the moonlight. Even if you don’t have a horse, and you’ve never roped a Longhorn steer, it’ll give you a thrill because there’s a little bit of cowboy in all of us.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“TAMPA, Fla.: One thing about farmers’ relief: It can’t last long, for the farmers ain’t got much more to be relieved of.
(signed) A farmer that knows,
Cocklebur Rogers” (DT #167, Feb. 11, 1927)

“Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.” DT #2445, June 4, 1934

“There is not a better day in the world to be spent than with a lot of wise old cowmen around (a campfire with) barbecued beef, black coffee and good (re-fried) beans.” DT #2430, May 17, 1934