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Weekly Comments: Will is returning to the old joke factory

COLUMBUS: I’m flying to Washington for three days to check in on the old joke factory. I’m with a hundred farmers calling on Congress and the Department of Agriculture.

In the old days farmers were asking Congress and the President for relief. And to some extent they got it. What they’re after today is relief, but it’s relief FROM the EPA and IRS.

The EPA wants them to stop stirring up dust. Now, farmers are against dust as much as anyone. Especially the women, because they’re usually the ones stuck with cleaning it up. Out in the country things are just naturally dustier than in town. Take roads. There’s nothing a farmer would like more than having a paved road everywhere he has to drive. Gravel and dirt roads kick up dust when it’s dry. If your streets were gravel instead of asphalt, you wouldn’t like the dust either. Spraying old engine oil on the roads can stop the dust, but EPA frowns on that, too.

The beef with the IRS is over the inheritance tax. In the old days that never bothered a poor farmer because he had nothing left to inherit. Today, there’s a few that have scraped together enough land that when the grim reaper arrives the tax man is right behind him. Giving up half the farm makes it tough for the heirs to keep on farming. Even with the whole farm, it ain’t easy.

Climate change is another thing that’s got farmers riled up. But with all the rain, floods and snow in the past couple of years, they’re not against changing it as much as they used to be. If the government could guarantee the climate would change for the better, they would be for it. Farmers aren’t convinced that adding a $5 tax on diesel fuel is going to assure them of good weather.

In New York, they are having a tough time hanging on to their Congressmen and Governors. No sooner does a man get in there than he is found out. Of course Charley Rangel has been in a long time and heads up the Ways and Means Committee. I said one time that’s the committee that is “supposed to find the Ways to divide up the Means.” Well, Charley has become an expert at finding the ways, but he don’t like to divide it with anybody.

Charley owns half an island in the Carribean, and New York wants their 10% share of any profits. He claims he don’t make nothing on it. In fact he says he is so poverty stricken the only way he can even get down there to check on his holdings is for some company to loan him an airplane.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We cuss (Congress) and we joke about ‘em, but they are all good fellows at heart; and if they wasent in that, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” May 18, 1926

“They are voting in New York State whether to keep a Governor two years or four… I think a good, honest Governor should get four years, and the others life.” DT #405, Nov. 8, 1927

Weekly Comments: Health care bill may sink Democrats

COLUMBUS: President Obama moderated a meeting last week on health care, with Democrats and Republicans. It went on for 6 hours and was the second most watched daytime TV drama in recent days, behind the true confessions of Tiger Woods.

Americans are telling the president they want more jobs and a reduced deficit. The President says, “I hear you. We’re gonna change your health care.”

Speaker Pelosi says the health care bill will create thousands of new jobs. She didn’t say how many of those new jobs would be in Washington. I’m not an economist, but how can they cut health care costs by hiring more people? How about if they pay for more doctors by paying for fewer lawyers. Hire more nurses for rural areas by cutting bean counters in Washington. Reduce paperwork and increase medical research. Most people would like everyone to have a chance to buy insurance, but don’t want to lose their own.

Pelosi says her fellow Democrats should vote for health care reform even if it costs them reelection in November. President Obama agrees with her but neither one promised to resign if other Democrats happen to lose. See, they are willing to sink the ship if necessary, but do not plan to go down with it.

There’s some Toyota owners I need to apologize to. It seems the gas pedal problem is more than just a few drivers who never learned how to shift to neutral. Toyota engineers are working on a solution, and they’ll likely get it fixed way before Congress fixes health care.

Chile got hit with an earthquake 500 times more powerful than the one in Haiti, but with less damage. That don’t make it any easier on the ones that are suffering, so give generously.

The Winter Olympics ended tonight. I said last week that Canada had a better chance of getting a gold medal in curling than in hockey. Well, they got gold in both. The US got the most medals, just not the preferred color.

This will go down in history as the warmest Winter Olympics ever held. I was planning to write a joke, that now that everyone is leaving, Vancouver would be hit by a gigantic snow storm. But I checked the Weather Channel, and they predict a heat wave for the next ten days, temperatures in the fifties. So forget Washington DC, and New York City; Vancouver is the place to point to if you are a  proponent of global warming.
NBC televised the Olympics and they can feel proud of a marvelous job. But they expect to lose $250 Million. When you add the $40 million lost on Conan O’Brien don’t be surprised if they’re next in line for a government bailout.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“Spending when we didn’t have it puts us where we are today. Saving when we have it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.” DT #1353, Nov. 24, 1930.

Weekly Comments: Congress, Canada and curling for gold  COLUMBUS: President Obama announced he will meet with Congress this week on the health care bill. So many have announced they are leaving, he is hoping they still have a quorum. Senator Bayh of Indiana is the latest. He wrote a column in the New York Times saying that he will not run for re-election because the Senate is not like it was in the old days. He says that filibusters and political bickering get in the way of passing good bills today, and he wants to help reform the Senate to make it more like it was years ago. (See historic quotes) Most of the bickering and discontent today is from a lack of money. A politician at any level, whether Democrat or Republican, likes to play Santa Claus and pass out the presents. But it’s no fun to play Scrooge, and say, “No, the well has run dry, and the feed trough is empty.” The Governors are gathered in Washington this week. They arrived in their red suits and sleighs, hoping to return home with a bag full of presents. Everybody in the country has heard the news that the federal government is broke, except these governors. We know states are in a quandary. In Ohio, for example, the Columbus Dispatch says that the budget must be cut by $7 Billion, and that if the governor were to fire all 58,000 state employees he would still be $2 Billion short. It’s pretty bad when an Ohio governor might have to lay off all his state workers, and then have to borrow 20,000 employees from Michigan and fire them too, just to balance his budget. The problem is a matter of distribution. In Ohio 85% of state money is passed down to local governments. So local units get their money from the state, states get theirs from the Federal, and the Federal government get theirs from, who else, local individuals and businesses. (Except for what they borrow from China.) The solution is for each level to collect just what they need. See, when most of the money gets collected in Washington, then shuffled back through the state capitals, and eventually to the ones that paid it in the first place you’re lucky to get back a nickel on the dollar. We’ve been working for months on an important trade deal with Canada, and tonight we messed up and made them mad. Our young hockey team went up to Vancouver and knocked out the veteran Canadian team. Now, Canada is still in the hunt, but they’ve got a better chance of winning gold in curling than in hockey. Historic quotes from Will Rogers: “The Senate is having what is called a filibuster. The name is just as silly as the thing itself. It means that a man can get up and talk for 15 or 20 hours at a time, then be relieved by another, just to keep some bill from coming to a vote, no matter about the merit of this particular bill, whether it’s good or bad.” WA #12, March 4, 1923 “Anything that has to pass by that Senate is just like a Rat having to pass a Cat Convention; it’s sure to be pounced on, and the more meritorious the scheme is the less chance it has of passing.” WA #385, May 11, 1930 “Cussing Congress was never as popular as it is now. They are not doing the best they can, but they are doing the best they know how.” WA #492, May 29, 1932

Snow, basketball and birthdays cost a bundle

COLUMBUS: An awful lot of Snow has rolled off your Shovels since I communed with you last week.  I see where the Weather Bureau predicts more Snow. Good joke on the Weather Bureau. They can’t have any more. They haven’t got any place to put it.
Folks, that’s exactly how I started a column 87 years ago, Feb. 25, 1923. In Washington, DC, and plenty of other places, they will tell you it’s been about that long since they’ve seen so much snow. We have snow in 49 states; the only two places without snow are Hawaii and Vancouver.
Our federal government was shut down for most of the week. Only essential employees reported to work Now, I know what you’re thinking; if the President wants to cut the budget, there’s a hint on where to start. But instead of cutting, the President raised the debt ceiling to $14 Trillion.  I think it was $10 Trillion a couple of years ago. Is that the way to solve our financial problem, make it so we can borrow more?
You would think the government shutdown in Washington would save us a pile of money. Instead it cost us taxpayers $100,000,000 a day. Makes you wonder what it costs when they are all show up.
In Vancouver the lack of snow is costing the city millions. While other cities are paying to truck snow out of town, Vancouver is paying to truck it in.
Speaking of losing money, the National Basketball Association says they will be $400,000,000 in the hole this year. Tonight they put on a game in Dallas and 108,000 showed up and paid to watch it. How could they lose money? Is the NBA run by the Post Office?
Remember when we used to have Lincoln’s Birthday on Feb. 12, and Washington’s on Feb. 22? The government split the difference and this year Feb. 15 is the only day we get to blow out the candles. At least it saves the government the cost of baking another cake.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:
“Washington, D.C.  papers say: ‘Congress is deadlocked and can’t act.’ I think that is the greatest blessing that could befall this country.” WA #59, Jan.27, 1924
“There wasn’t any Republicans in Washington’s day. No Republicans, no boll weevil, no income tax, no cover charge, no disarmament conferences, no luncheon clubs, no stop lights, no (radio), no head winds, no margins, no ticket speculators, no golf pants. My Lord, living in those times, who wouldn’t be great?” DT #803, Feb. 21, 1929
 “Lincoln is the one that said, ‘You can fool all the Democrats part of the time, and part of the Democrats all of the time. But a Republican is the only one you can fool all of the time.’ That’s why he was a Republican.” WA #320, Feb. 10, 1929

Saints victory stimulates New Orleans

COLUMBUS: Does anyone understand what’s happening to the economy? We lost another 20,000 jobs, but unemployment dipped below 10 percent. The stock market dropped, but Wall Street bonuses jumped several million. President Obama announced a partial freeze on spending, but he proposed a budget 9 percent higher.

The budget is so out of whack that if all our taxes were used to pay for Defense, Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, everything else the government spends next year would be borrowed. We even have to borrow money to pay the interest on what we borrowed last year.

There’s plenty of people saying we need to cut spending and balance the budget. That sounds like a good idea on paper, but anyone who proposes even a ten percent cut in any of the four items above will be howled out of the room.

The US economy may be hurting, but in New Orleans everything is booming. The Saints won the Super Bowl and that provided the stimulus. No help needed from Senator Landrieu. The win in their first Super Bowl gives hope to other teams. Here in Ohio, the Cleveland Browns are way overdue. Cleveland needs a quarterback who can do for the Browns what Drew Brees did for the Saints. Is Brett Favre available?

The Humane Society of the United States is back at it again. You may think I’m mean for saying anything against an organization with such a high sounding name. But these folks need to be stopped. HSUS co-opted the name in order to get donations from people who would otherwise give to their local humane society. Suppose I started an organization called Girl Scouts of the US.  I would solicit money by saying, “Since most of America is overweight, we’ll dispense with cookies and just accept your money on behalf of the girls.” Then, as I took in about a hundred million a year, I would give a couple of million to the real Girl Scouts and pocket the rest. Well, that’s what HSUS does regarding local shelters for cats and dogs.

HSUS wants us to stop eating steak, bacon, eggs, fish and any other meat or animal product. They even want our dogs to become vegetarians. So if you are hounded by a representative of HSUS for a donation or to sign a petition that seeks to take away some of your favorite foods, threaten to have them arrested for impersonating a humane organization. It may not do much to help the economy, but your dog will love you for it.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“No matter what party is in, if you have your election during the hard times they will throw ‘em out on their ears. The Republicans have just got from now till next Summer to make things look better or out in the alley they go.” DT #1643, Oct. 28, 1931

Trains, terrorist trials and Toyota

COLUMBUS: The economy is so bad it is even affecting the Gitmo terrorists. They had their bags packed  for a Billion dollar stay in New York City and the trip may be canceled because of the cost. Attorney General Holder is the only one who doesn’t care where the money is coming from.

President Obama should call him and say, “Eric, the only way those trials will be in New York is if you pay for them yourself.”

Toyota is running into trouble because of a stuck gas pedal. Our young drivers today can dial a cell phone and type a text message at 60 miles per hour, but they never bothered to learn how to deal with a stuck accelerator. It just seems natural to me that if the gas pedal sticks when you’re going faster than you want to, hit the clutch. If you don’t have a clutch, shift to neutral.

Now I would never pretend to tell you how to fix an automobile. But for all those Toyota owners who are afraid to even back out of the garage, perhaps a squirt of oil or WD40 can give some peace of mind.

The federal government just announced they expect to take in $2.2 Trillion in taxes next year. That seems like a lot of money, and you would think that just about any government, even the one headquartered in Washington, could survive a year on $2.2 Trillion.

Well, here’s a shocker: out of that $2.2 Trillion, they plan to spend $3.8 Trillion. In other words, we can live on our own for 7 months, then the next 5 we’ll live off the in-laws.

Despite the deficit, President Obama announced he wants to spend $8 Billion on new passenger trains. “The airlines and car companies are making too much money so I want to give them some competition. I want to discourage air travel and cut car sales. Amtrak has a proven financial record, so we want to give them more routes and more trains. We’re gonna borrow the $8 Billion from China, and then require States to match it.”

The Governors said, “We’re broke. We can’t afford what we already have. How about if you send us the $8 Billion, and forget the trains.”

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There couldn’t possibly be one that knew less about Machinery (than me)…  If I raised up the hood and a Rabbit jumped out, I wouldent know but what he belonged in there.  I drive ’em, but I sho don’t try to fix ’em.” WA #317, Jan. 20, 1929

“If your time is worth anything, travel by air.” DT #389, Oct. 20, 1927

Old trucks serve politicians, farmers and football players

COLUMBUS: The election in Massachusetts was won by Scott Brown. The pundits are still debating whether he got elected because of his views on health care reform, or because he drives a truck.
Political candidates are not taking any chances. All across the country they are out searching for just the right pickup truck to drive during the campaign. Of course, it has to be an American truck, and the older the better. Prices have doubled in a week.. Farmers have seen a steep drop in the value of corn in the bin, but the old pickup in the shed can make up for it. Even if it’s a newer model, most farm trucks are so beat up they look to be at least thirty years old.
Personally, if in a moment of insanity I ever feel the urge to run for office, I’ll go to Tulsa and borrow my friend Gene’s 1921 Model T Ford Huckster pickup. Why, just the thought of running against such a formidable foe would so dishearten any other possible candidates that I would be a shoo in.
Speaking of farmers, I spent the past two weeks at agriculture conventions and meetings in Florida, Iowa and Ohio, and this week I’ll be in Minnesota and back to Ohio. If you’re not in agriculture I tell you that you can feel proud of these farm families who are learning the latest techniques and practices to grow  food more efficiently. They are striving to make our streams cleaner, improve our soils, and save fuel and labor.
When President Obama gives his first State of the Union speech, if he’s looking for a bright spot or two in the economy he would be wise to point out what our farmers are doing. For example, they set new records for growing corn and soybeans. Dairy farmers are producing more milk with fewer cows. Here anyone is free to buy the kind of food they want, whether it’s organic, vegetarian, local, or hauled across the country. And from our abundance, we’ll donate generously to hungry people in Haiti and other countries.
We are down to two football teams left. The New Orleans Saints and Drew Brees slipped by Minnesota and Brett Favre in overtime 31-28. And the Indianapolis Colts and Peyton Manning came back to beat the Jets 30-17. The Saints and Colts seem to be evenly matched, and if I were betting I would put my money on the team with the most players that drive a truck.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:
“Us Democrats just seem to have an uncanny premonition of sizing up a question and guessing wrong on it. It almost makes you think sometimes it is done purposely.” Saturday Evening Post, Jan. 19, 1929
“Republicans like to drive a little cheap make of car around… They just love to play poor.” Saturday Evening Post, March 30, 1929
“Last year we said: ‘Things can’t go on like this!’ And they didn’t – they got worse.” (Notes, undated)
“Our President delivered his first (State of the Union) message to Congress.  You know that’s one of the things that his contract calls for, to deliver a message to Congress to tell them the Condition of the Country. This message, as I say, is to Congress; the rest of the country know the condition of the country, for they live in it.  But the Senators and Congressmen have no idea what is going on in America.  So the President has to tell ’em.” WA #371, Feb. 2, 1930

Earthquakes seldom change

COLUMBUS: Massachusetts is voting this week on whether they want their health care reformed. I think this voting is a good idea and should have probably been used in other states. Nebraska and Louisiana got it whether they wanted it or not.

One of the health care debates is over putting a big tax on the so-called Cadillac insurance plans. The vast majority figured that’s fair because they’ll never get close to owning a Cadillac. The only time they even expect the pleasure of riding in one is on a final trip to the cemetery. Well, you can imagine the shock when so many of these folks driving Fords and Chevys learned they have health insurance fit for a Cadillac owner. They aren’t so high on the tax now.

It’s terrible what’s happened to the people in Haiti. It won’t be easy rebuilding a country that was never built in the first place. Any new building that’s done had better be done well. Geologists had been predicting this earthquake for years, and they say it still only affected about ten percent of the likely area. There are more shocks to come.

Earthquakes don’t change and neither does the generosity of American people.  Cuba and Venezuela like to criticize, but how many shiploads of food and supplies do you see them delivering?

We could help Haitians improve their farming. Why are people going hungry in a country where they can grow food year round? Give them seeds to grow vegetables and fruit rather than cotton and coffee. Show them how to set up farmers’ markets in town, and how to sell to the cruise ships and tourists.

Before you can do all these good things, they need water and food to survive. We love to complain about our government, but Haiti has no government. No police, no army, no law and order. Well, they got some semblance of a government, but it’s useless. Looters and hoodlums are keeping supplies from starving children. But our many charities and churches have been there for years and they will persevere and do the best they can.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“They tell you pictures don’t lie, but the ones you saw of this earthquake did, for they didn’t tell that eight days after it happened there is from one to three hundred bodies still under those ruins. Sitting here in a Marine tent writing this and am going to sleep here.
Naturally what they need is money. The government or the people haven’t got a cent. The Red Cross combined with the relief organizations here has done great work as usual. If through the Red Cross and public donations… it would relieve the situation as to food and get some roofs to cover these people.
Goodness knows, you generous folks have been asked till you are ragged, but honest, if you saw it, you would dig again. I have finally found somebody poorer than a southern cotton renter farmer.
It just falls where everything else does, on the generosity and goodness of the American people. If you saw, as I did this morning, 2500 mothers with babies in their arms go by and get their ration of milk you would say there was some poor devil that needed it worse than you do.” DT #1469, April 8, 1931 (in Managua, Nicaragua)

Bankers get millions, California gets husks

COLUMBUS: President Obama and Congress have been out trying to restore confidence. But with the high unemployment, gas prices, and looming inflation, the only place where confidence has been restored is among the big bankers on Wall Street. As a reward for the tremendous work those birds did on our economy the last two or three years, they are receiving million dollar bonuses. If we had let AIG and Goldman Sachs go under like we did Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns, they would be on a New York street corner selling apples.

In California, Governor Schwarzenegger had the best line of the week on the health care bill. Concerning the extra billion or so that Senator Nelson got for Nebraska’s Medicaid patients, Arnold said, “Nebraska gets the corn, we get the husks.” California has a deficit of $25 Billion and it will take more than husks to fill their coffers. Don’t be surprised if the Governor devises a scheme to send all of California’s folks on Medicaid to Nebraska. He may send a couple million excess immigrants also. That would go a long way toward restoring confidence in California.

While the President and Democrats in the House and Senate fight over the final health care bill, the argument in the rest of the country is whether the negotiations should be televised on C-span. I’m not sure America could stand to watch. The return of the early rounds of American Idol is as much pain as we can endure.

What most people want the government to work on is defeating radical Islamists. Bin Laden and his fellow terrorists have been outsmarting us for years. You know, they may have changed their strategy with suicide bombers. Every year or two they come up with a different way to threaten an airplane and they tell the bomber, “We don’t care if it works or not. If it don’t, they’ll spend millions on a trial, and billions devising technology to prevent the previous method. Instead of bringing down a plane, we’ll bring down their economy.”

So, Mr. President, knock out these terrorists and that will do more to restore confidence than a million speeches.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I like to make little jokes and kid about the Senators. They are a kind of a never ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement.” WA #345, Aug. 4, 1929

“You know I am an Indian.  My folks are Cherokees and I am very proud of the fact and us Injuns are mighty proud of Charlie Curtis.  He is a leader of the Senate and was the most able man in there.  Of course that don’t give you much of an idea of his ability, but he is at least the best they had in there.  A Senate leader is a very important position.  Then they elected him Vice-President (in 1928), and he lost his standing then and he is down at the bottom now and has to work up again.” Radio, April 27, 1930

Weekly Comments: Our New Year Prophets are not Optimists
    COLUMBUS: This is the time for reflections and predictions, and even the optimists are having a tough time finding something to cheer about. Unemployment is over 10 percent and it may drop to 8 or 9 by Christmas. The stock market rose to 10,500, but it is still a third below 2007. Even if it don’t go up, you can bet on Wall Streeters collecting million dollar salaries.

Predictions say the deficit will get worse. But nobody knows how much worse because it depends on how much China will lend us. The Chinese are getting concerned about the worth of our collateral. Half of our states are broke and looking to Washington for help. President Obama should say to the Governors, “Make your case directly to China; I don’t need to be a middleman.”

Even global warming. Ever since that conference in Copenhagen, the weather has gotten colder. Yes, it’s supposed to be cold in January and we’re accustomed to it. But these global warming proponents got us excited about the prospects of vacationing at home instead of Florida. We should have suspected it was a trick when the President booked his vacation in Hawaii.

One good thing that 2010 has brought us: the end of the inheritance tax. You would be surprised at the number of rich old men who have been hanging on for the last month or two just to avoid paying this tax. In your hometown newspaper, right beside the story about the first baby of the new year, you’ll read about a local millionaire passing away after a prolonged illness. The story will say, “Mr. Jones left a thriving business valued at $50 million to his offspring. He couldn’t take it with him, but he made sure it wouldn’t get auctioned off to Washington either.”

Since the death tax returns next January at around fifty percent, 2010 is liable to go down in history as a record year for the high number of our wealthy men and women passing on.

Speaking of old men, did you see Bobby Bowden coach his last  football game for Florida State? It was the Gator Bowl against West Virginia, and I think they should have arranged it so he went against Penn State instead. Bowden vs. Joe Paterno. Two 80-year old coaches going at each other. And to raise interest they could have agreed that the loser retires, and the winner has to keep coaching. Dadgumit, that would have been a Classic.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Won’t 1933 see a change for the better? I don’t think so. We haven’t suffered enough; the Lord is repaying us for our foolishness during prosperous days. He is not quite ready to let us out of the dog house yet.” DT #2002, Jan. 3, 1933

“If Wall Street paid a tax on every “game” they run, we would get enough revenue to run the government on.” DT #1453, March 20, 1931

“Now they got such a high inheritance tax on ’em that you won’t catch these old rich boys dying promiscuously like they did. This bill makes patriots out of everybody. You sure do die for your country if you die from now on.” DT #1767, March 23, 1932