Author: Randall Reeder

# 303, December 30, 2003

COLUMBUS: Television news is saying today that beef from that old milk cow in Washington state, which couldn’t amount to more than about 800 pounds of hamburger, has been spread over 8 western states. Never in history has anyone distributed such a small amount of meat among so many people, except for our Lord Savior himself, and he only did it with fish. Closest anybody has ever come to it with hamburger is McDonalds.

You know, if 3M were to drop an ounce of arsenic in the Mississippi River at St. Paul (not that they would ever do that) our news folks would advise us to stop drinking the water all the way to the Gulf of Mexico.

Now everyone is for safe food, and it’s hard for anyone to argue ours isn’t safe, as much as we eat of it. We eat more than we should and live longer, so it can’t all be poison to us.

But the whole American beef industry is about to be downed by one old milk cow of Canadian heritage. Can you believe it, on account of one sick Holstein, Japan stopped shipment on millions of pounds of Angus T-bone steaks and Hereford prime rib. There’s boatloads of beef heading across the Pacific that may be dumped overboard.

Just imagine if you can, if Japan discovered that one new Toyota Camry (or even an old one) was infected with some terrible disease, like Injector Influenza. (This disease has been known to cause wheezing and coughing, and can even lead to an engine dying.) Do you suppose we would immediately halt the import of Camrys? And not only Camrys but all Toyota models, plus Nissans and Hondas? Well, if we did we would be just as foolish as they are in refusing our rump roasts.

The terror threat is up for the holidays and we’re spending Billions on extra police and security. I wouldn’t be surprised that since bin Ladin and his al Quada followers seem to hate capitalism, he is happy just to see us spending so much of our “excess” profits on our own protection. But I wonder if old Osama has been watching us and how we react to all this mad cow news. He’s liable to come up with a new plan. He’ll have his men hijack a cargo plane at London’s airport, load it with British cows that all have that disease, fly ’em over here and scatter the meat across our eastern states.

Happy New Year. 2004 should be a good one. Enjoy the football games, and eat more beef.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Now I say, and have always claimed, that things would pick up in ’32. Why ’32? Well, because ’32 is an election year, see, and the Republicans always see that everything looks good on election year, see? They give us three good years and one bad one…. no, three bad ones and one good one. I like to got it wrong. That’s the Democrats does the other. They give us three bad years and one good one, but the good one always comes on the year that the voting is, see? Everything will pick up next year and be fine.” Radio broadcast, Oct. 18, 1931

“Well, the old year will be passing out in a few hours, and I don’t know personally of a thing that I can do about it. I guess there will be a lot of people will take it up with the government, as they look to them to do everything else.” DT #2622, Dec. 31, 1934

# 302, December 23, 2003

COLUMBUS: It is snowing tonight, just the way Ohio likes it for Christmas. Enough to cover the ground, but leave the roads clear.

Did you see that Monday Night Football game last night? Brett Favre’s dad died Sunday, and yet he went out and played his best game ever, threw 4 touchdown passes and over 300 yards, and that was just in the first half.

Even the Oakland Raiders sensed they were outnumbered. There was a twelfth man out there for Green Bay. He wasn’t on the field, he was up above it.

News came out today that an old dairy cow out in Washington had the mad cow disease. Now you’re going to hear all kinds of scary stories over the next few weeks, and nobody will convince you it wasn’t consequential, at least for that particular cow.

But don’t be alarmed. The chances of you winning one of those big lotteries this week is a million times greater than of your family getting a bite of meat from that cow. There’s liable to be more people killed in their automobiles returning beef to their grocer in the next week than will ever die here of that mad cow affliction.

So enjoy your Christmas dinner. No matter what you are serving, whether it’s turkey or ham, or fish or T-bone steak, just make sure you cook it right. That’s what counts, as far as food is concerned.

Merry Christmas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, there is lots more good cheer this Christmas than last (or the last three) and it’s not all out of bottles either. It’s in the heart, in the confidence and in the renewed hope of everybody.” DT #2306, December 24, 1933

“Mr. Henry Ford told me he would make me a present of the first new Ford car [the Model A], and sure enough, when I got here today, here she is. It’s the first one delivered for actual use, and believe me I sure am using it. Nobody is looking at these Rolls_Royces here in Beverly Hills.” DT #439, December 22, 1927

# 301, December 18, 2003

COLUMBUS: The newspaper headline, no matter what paper you read on Monday, was “We Got Him”. Even Saddam Hussein knows it’s time to give up when you’re in a rat hole surrounded by six hundred soldiers.

Iraq (and President Bush) wants Europe to forgive the debts racked up by Saddam. During his reign Saddam put Iraq billions and billions of dollars into debt, and he ain’t even a Republican. But here’s what I can’t figure out: why would a country like France or Germany or Russia send guns and tanks and planes and missiles to Saddam without making him pay cash? Or at least pay with oil.

You know France sells their gasoline for about $5 a gallon, so if they had said, “Saddam, we’ll supply you all the ammunition you can sneak in there, and in return you pay us in crude oil at $5 a barrel.” Why, France would have been rolling in dough. That’s a deal even Haliburton would have envied.

But Europe wasn’t that smart. They traded him war supplies for an IOU, and let him keep his oil and his money. And it ain’t just Europe. A lot of us got taken. And that money is not only paying for the Iraqi terrorists shooting at our soldiers, but here’s a real kicker, it’ll pay for his defense lawyers.

His daughter announced she would hire the best lawyers to defend him, I suppose with one of Hussein’s billion dollar Swiss bank accounts. That sure got the attention of our top trial attorneys… Johnny Cochran, Mark Gerogos, Gloria Allred. Even John Edwards might drop his bid for President to go back to his old profession. Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson and Kobe may be left to defend themselves.

Ole Strom Thurmond jumped back in the news this week. It seems he became a father long before anybody let on. I’m not gonna get into the morals of the situation, but this news kinda puts him up there with Thomas Jefferson and Grover Cleveland, and probably others we never learned about even after they were dead. His “new” daughter seems to be a fine lady, a retired school teacher. She is 78 years old and with those genes she’ll probably live to 110.

Yesterday they held a big celebration. And I don’t mean for that new Lord of the Rings movie. No, this one was for the Wright Brothers from Dayton and their first flight a hundred years ago. Orville and Wilbur may have passed themselves off as a pair of bicycle mechanics, but those boys were natural born engineers. They worked out the science and physics of flying and developed aviation technology still used today.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on debt forgiveness, Wright Bros., and War)

“They got a new gag in Europe now to help along their argument that America should cancel the debts [from World War I]. They are appealing to our egotism (and they figure we are not short on it). The new gag is “America won the war and she should pay. We admit that it was America coming in when she did that determined the destiny of the War. Therefore, she is answerable for present European conditions, and should put them right.”

Now, ain’t that a hot one? No matter what you do, you are wrong. If you help ’em lose it you are wrong, if you help ’em win it you are wrong.

There just ain’t any such animal as international “good_will.” It just lasts till the loan runs out.” DT #1687, Dec. 20, 1931

“Well, yesterday [Dec. 17] was the 20th Anniversary [actually 21st] of the first Flying machine flight by the Wright Brothers. People wouldn’t believe that a man could fly, AND CONGRESS DON’T BELIEVE IT YET.

The anniversary of the Wrights’ flight was celebrated all over the World yesterday…

Our Air Service is waiting for congress to make an appropriation to have the valves ground and carbon removed from the engines.” WA #107, Dec28, 1924

“Just read the Smithsonian Institution’s explanation about the Wright flying machine. They say the trustees decided [Samuel] Langley’s machine could have flown first but didn’t. I could have flown to France ahead of Lindbergh but I just neglected doing it. I had a lot of other things on my mind at the time.” DT #501, March 5, 1928 [note: the Smithsonian, finally, in 1948 reconsidered and allowed the Wright plane to be displayed]

“About the banquet at Mr. Ford’s, it was great [honoring Thomas Edison]. Every time I would waste some coffee out of my saucer it would be on a millionaire. I started to kick on my seat for the guys on either side looked like a couple of Ford dealers. So before I would sit down I made ’em tell. One said he was Orville Wright. I told the other one I suppose you are Lindbergh. He says no, I am only Mr. Mayo. Well, between a forced landing and an operation I was home.” DT # 1011, Oct. 22, 1929

“Monday is aviation day. Thirty_one years ago Monday the Wrights made their famous flight at Kitty Hawk. It was a box kite put together with barrel staves and putty. He sat on a stool out in front of the thing, hoping that it wouldn’t get excited and run over him. He didn’t get very high, but he started something that will change many a map in this world.

Aviation is sorter like the old .45 pistols, which made little men as dangerous as big men. It’s a sort of equalizer. You could give little Switzerland enough airplanes and she would worry the old Ned out of the big ones. There is no end to how many we ought to have. Buy about fifty thousand. And take the profits out of war, and you won’t have any war.” DT #2608, Dec. 14, 1934

# 300, December 11, 2003

COLUMBUS: This argument France, Germany and Russia are having with us over our $18 Billion to rebuild Iraq reminds me of a story from years ago called “The Little Red Hen and the Wheat”. Some of you remember it, and I bet Barbara Bush used to read it to little George W. and his baby brothers.

See, this red hen lived in a barnyard with her chicks, along with a cat, a goose and a fat little pig. One day the hen found some wheat seeds and wanted help planting them. But the cat and the goose and the pig were lazy and said, “No, we won’t help”, so the hen sowed the grain herself. Soon the wheat needed to be watered, and again the three made excuses to get out of helping the red hen. The same thing happened when it was time to hoe, and then to reap, to haul it to the mill, and finally to make the flour into bread and bake it. The cat, goose and pig all said, “No, we can’t help.”

When the loaf was ready to take from the oven the hen asked, “Who is going to help eat this bread?” Now all three said, “Yes, we’re here for you.” But the little red hen said, “No, the chicks and I will eat it.” Then the last line of the story says, “the little red hen sang as she cut the thick slices for her chicks, and not a crumb was left for the French, German and Russian companies.”

I changed that last line, …but that’s the way George remembers it.

Europe says we are violating international law if we don’t let their companies bid. But President Bush reminded them it was our $18 Billion they wanted to bid on. If Europe puts up a few Billion, he’ll let ’em bid on that.

I ain’t sure how we’ll make out. The way things are going, Haliburton will win all the bids, and it’ll end up costing us at least $30 Billion instead of 18. Then they’re liable to turn around and subcontract all the work to Europe for 10.

If we want to save money maybe we should immediately turn Iraq over to Wal-Mart. They’ll cut the price of gas for our troops from $2.75 down to $1.25, they’ll make friends with the majority of Iraqis with their “Low Prices, Always”, and they’ll even win over the opposition by hiring them at night to clean the stores.

Earlier this week our President took the tariff off imported steel. He put it on two years ago, and now he takes it off. That satisfied the Europeans and confused the Democrats. Howard Dean was for tariffs, and Al Gore was against them, but Al endorsed him anyway. Dean wasn’t sure if the endorsement would help him or hurt him. But it should guarantee him a tie in Florida.

Be sure to get your flu shot. Of course, there’s a shortage of the vaccine, so you may have to go to Canada to get it, or maybe Europe. Folks are complaining about the drug companies charging more here than anywhere. But don’t expect them to lower our prices. They’re more likely to raise ’em everywhere else. If you thought Europe didn’t like us now, wait till they start paying the same for drugs as we do.

Of course, we could just tell these drug companies to lower their prices everywhere. Tell ’em to cancel their research on new drugs, and we’ll take our chances on what they already have developed.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The tariff is an instrument invented for the benefit of those who make to be used against those who buy. As there is more buys than there is makes, it is a document of the minority. But what a minority.” DT #912, June 28, 1929

“Arguing tariff is sorter like arguing religion. There just ain’t any answer. If a business thrives under a protective tariff, that don’t mean that it has been a good thing. It may have thrived because it made the people of America pay more for the object than they should have, so a few have got rich at the cost of the many. There is never any way of estimating the damage done by a tariff, that is how much other countries retaliate in different ways.” WA 388, June 1, 1930

# 299, December 4, 2003

COLUMBUS: You folks have been reading in the newspapers about all the shootings on the south side of Columbus. Someone has been firing at some big targets, mainly on I-270. One person was killed, many others scared half to death.

The Columbus Dispatch called him a sniper. But he sure ain’t a marksman. So far he has hit four cars, five trucks, an empty school building and a horse trailer. Nobody knows how many he has missed. Deer season started here Monday, and the deer are wishing everyone with a gun would follow this guy’s example. A white-tail don’t have much to fear from a person who can’t always hit the side of an 18-wheeler.

Have you seen this “reality” show on Fox with Paris Hilton and the daughter of Lionel Richie? They took these two girls, who never worked an hour in their life, and put them on a farm in Arkansas. I think it’s called “The Simple Life”, but with the ignorant things Miss Hilton says and does, it could be “The Simpletons”.

I tell you, if the future of this country ever falls into the hands of the uneducated offspring of our wealthy class we had better all move to Mexico. Any of you who were concerned this show might embarrass our good country folk can relax. It’s Hollywood that has the red face. Old Conrad Hilton may roll over and figure out a way to change his will, retroactively, and give her share of his billions to the Salvation Army.

Down in Cincinnati a policeman was attacked by a 350-pound man. It took six police to finally subdue and arrest him. The man died and his friends blame the police. It’s a shame the man died, but it makes you wonder, if the policeman had died, who would stand up for him?

The famous swimmer, Gertrude Ederle died, at 97. (See second quote below) Back in June I wrote that Shirley Temple was the only prominent person still living that Will Rogers had written about. Well, Miss Ederle proved me wrong, just like she proved a lot of men wrong who underestimated her abilities.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“You take a Southern Californian and put him [or her] anywhere he can’t see a filling station or a cafeteria, and he is ready to write out his will.” DT #2026, Jan. 31, 1933

“By the time you see this in print, Gertrude Ederle, the wonderful swimming girl, will either have crossed the English channel or made one of the most heroic attempts ever made to do it. Personally, I think she will make it. That means anywhere from 15 to 30 hours in a cold treacherous ocean. She has to spend the night swimming and battling with one of the strongest elements of nature – a rush of water. Nobody is paying her anything; nobody is guaranteeing her anything; she is going in there to accomplish what only five men have been able to accomplish. Now, that is what I call a sport; a sport worthy of the admiration of the entire world.” WA #141, August 23, 1925 (It took her another year, but on Aug. 6, 1926, she swam the Channel in 14 hours, 31 minutes, nearly 2 hours faster than any of the five men. Will referred to her a few more times in his newspaper columns.)

# 298, November 25, 2003

ZANESVILLE, Ohi Looking ahead to Thanksgiving I’m here to visit Irv Bell, a fine farmer who raises corn and hogs. I read in the paper where our big turkey dinner Thursday will only cost us $3.60, so when you’re in a thanking mood you might want to remember the farmer. If you prefer one of Irv’s pork chops to a turkey leg, it may cost another nickel but worth every penny.

This town on the Muskingham River was named for Ebenezer Zane, brother of Betty Zane. It’s the home of Zane Grey, author of Riders of the Purple Sage and The Last of the Plainsmen and other books about the way he thought the West should have been run.

The government announced today that the Economy is growing, and growing rapidly, because we’re all spending. And it’s liable to keep on growing ’til we have to start paying some of it back.

Congress passed a Medicare bill. It is estimated to cost $400 Billion, which if that estimate is as accurate as the original estimate of Medicare in 1965, the true cost will be slightly higher, at around $40 Trillion. The President is for it, Republicans are for it, and the AARP is for it. Only ones opposed are folks who say we are spending too much on old folks, and those who say we aren’t spending enough on them.

The AARP claims it is for folks 50 and up. AARP used to stand for Retired People, but they all went back to work. What America needs is an association for everyone else. Call it AAYTPP. American Association of Young Tax Paying People. Make it a subsidiary of the AARP. You’re a member the day you are born, and they automatically switch you to AARP when you turn 50. It’s depressing enough to turn 5-0 without all those AARP solicitation letters.

Warren Spahn died yesterday. He won at least 20 games in 13 different seasons, and did not win his first game till he was 26. Young pitchers today should take note. They are satisfied to win 10, and then complain if the offer for next season is less than $5 Million. Of course if the hitters go off steroids, maybe they could win a few more.

Well, Sunday (Nov. 23) was our anniversary, Betty and “me”. We were married on the day before Thanksgiving, 95 years ago, so you ladies must forgive me my forgetfulness in these years when it comes early. The ceremony was at her home in Rogers, Arkansas, and we took the night train to St. Louis. The first day of our honeymoon, we did what every American does today on Thanksgiving. We watched football. Yes, I took Betty to a college football game. But I made it up to her that evening with a fine dinner and show.

Hope you have a fine Thanksgiving, with or without football. What would really make it fine would be a whole day without any news about Michael Jackson.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“This is Thanksgiving. It was started by the Pilgrims, who would give thanks every time they killed an Indian and took more of his land. As years went by and they had all his land, they changed it into a day to give thanks for the bountiful harvest, when the boll_weevil and the protective tariff didn’t remove all cause for thanks.

So here is what the Republicans have given us the past year: A war in Nicaragua and China, and a rehearsal in Mexico, two floods and a coal strike, and pictures of the Black Hills. And all we got in return is the promise of a new Ford car and lower taxes.” DT #417, Nov. 23, 1927

# 297, November 18, 2003

COLUMBUS: After flying on three trips in three weeks, it feels good to be settled on the ground. I’ve got to compliment the pilots. Three different airlines, several flights with every one of them on time, and me and my bags always arrived on the same plane. A couple of times a good tail wind even got us in early.

Here in Ohio, nothing matters this week but Football. School funding? It’ll wait. Workmen’s Compensation? Wrap a band-aid around it for a few days. Slot machines at race tracks? Hold on to your quarters till Saturday night.

No, this is “Beat Michigan Week”. The Ohio State Buckeyes are preparing to take on the Wolverines at Ann Arbor. Of course, down in Baton Rouge everyone’s pulling for the LSU Tigers. I figure in Los Angeles, folks must be plum nutty over the USC Trojans. They all appear to be playing toward the same goal: to take on Oklahoma for the championship.

The way those Sooner are rolling over everyone, if Ohio State, USC and LSU all win, don’t be surprised if they decide to draw straws. Short straw has to play Oklahoma. Why, they may all vote to let TCU take ’em on.

Last week I spent considerable time in Houston during layovers, at the George H. W. Bush International Airport. Wandering around between flights I ran across a life size bronze statue of our former President. The sculptor had caught him in the wind, leaning into it. I could tell is was a strong wind because he’s holding his suit coat over his shoulder and it’s blowing straight out behind him. Since he had his coat off, it had to be a hot wind, so I’m guessing he was in west Texas in mid-summer. If not west Texas, probably in Washington facing Congress.

Mrs. Bush was nowhere to be seen. Guess the wind blew her away.

There’s been a lot of wind in the news lately. Trees blown over, electric poles snapped, major damage across the country. In Washington, the Senate talked straight through two days and nights with the same effect on the country. It was a Republican filibuster, trying to get their conservative judges approved by the Democrats.

After that failed to sway even one Democrat, they passed an Energy bill. Near as I can figure, it won’t get us many more oil wells, but the ones we do get will cost us more. Our best bet for a guaranteed supply of energy is to surround the Capitol with windmills, and convince Congress to keep on talking.

I ain’t saying there’s any connection to this wind, but Rush is back. Even the Democrats missed him.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(The Senate) filibustered all last night. We pay for wisdom and we get wind.” DT #574, May 29, 1928

“As I am writing this, (the Senate is) having what is called a filibuster. The name is just as silly as the thing itself. It means that a man can get up and talk for 15 or 20 hours at a time, then be relieved by another, just to keep some bill from coming to a vote, no matter about the merit of this particular bill, whether it’s good or bad.

There is no other body of lawmakers in the world that has a thing like it. Why, if a distinguished foreigner was to be taken around to see our institutions and was taken into the Senate and not told what institution it was, and heard a man ramble on, talking that had been going for 10 to 12 hours, he would probably say, “You have lovely quarters here for your insane, but have you no warden to look after their health, to see that they don’t talk themselves to death?”

To imagine how bad this thing is, did you ever attend a dinner and hear a Senator speak for 50 minutes or an hour? If you have, you remember what that did to you! Well, just imagine the same thing only 12 times worse.” WA #12, March 4, 1923

# 296, November 11, 2003

HARLINGEN, Texas: The folks around here asked me to get a message to those of you shivering up North: it’s 80 degrees today, and they have a space in a mobile home park with your name on it.

They’ve got room for at least 20,000 of you in the lower Rio Grande Valley. Make no mistake, it is all “valley”, flat as far as you can see. There’s no mountains to clutter the view, and these folks haven’t seen snow in almost 40 years. So leave your skis and parkas at home.

I’m in Texas to talk with a few school children at Mercedes, a few miles west of here. I mainly just asked questions and let them do the talking. They’re bright kids, after all the name of the town is Mercedes, not Geo, Kia or Volkswagen.

Tomorrow I’ll be in Louisiana, at Baton Rouge, to listen to some more bright youngsters, over in the Mississippi Valley. I’ll check on their Governor’s race, too.

Well, I promised last week to tell you about speaking to the Oologah elementary school children on November 3. They start every day with the kindergarten and first and second grades, about 200 altogether, in the lunch room for a short assembly. Some of them eat breakfast. Every morning different ones take turns leading the whole group in the Pledge of Allegiance, a moment of silence (what used to be a prayer), and various words of wisdom for the day. Just think, giving these little kids experience behind a microphone, they are creating a whole generation of speakers, in this case after-breakfast speakers. I just talked a little, hoping my words of wisdom didn’t interfere with the ones they were learning from each other.

Then the kindergarten invited me to their own little gathering. The kids sat close together on the floor and a teacher asked them to volunteer to tell something they knew about Will Rogers. And she asked them to do it in complete sentences, grammatical sentences, something I never mastered or, at least, seldom practice. Fortunately, they didn’t hit on any obscure facts that caught me by surprise.

After lunch, it was time for the main show with all the third, fourth and fifth graders in the Will Rogers Auditorium at the high school. (This auditorium seats about a thousand and serves all the Oologah schools because they are built together.)

The 4^th grade Western Choir, that I told you about last week, started off the program with a few songs to get ’em in a good mood. Then I told ’em a few tales from when “I” was a boy growing up right there in the Verdigris Valley (there’s no mountains in this valley either), and how I used to rope anything on four legs, or two. Goats, calves, geese, but my favorite target was girls.

Teachers did their best to confiscate my lassos before any major mischief, but sometimes they were a mite late. I told how, at one school, I roped a horse that appeared to me to be broke, but he ran wild once my lasso landed around his neck. He jumped a fence, tore through a tennis court and disappeared over the horizon, with my lasso and part of the tennis net tailing along behind him. I didn’t mean any harm, but the Principal expelled me. And I couldn’t rightly blame him, because it was his horse.

I did a little rope spinning (very little), and showed pictures of some friends from Hollywood that they recognized, and some family members including a great-great grandson.

I knew my material might not keep these youngsters excited for my allotted time on stage, so I had asked a couple of the high school cheerleaders, Jennifer and Hayley, to drop in and demonstrate a couple of cheers in the middle of my talk. Well, they came all right, and brought the whole squad, about a dozen, and not just to demonstrate. These girls had the whole auditorium up and cheering for old “OHS”. They are great cheerleaders and they’re cheering for a great football team. The Oologah Mustangs are undefeated, led by a great back, Ryder Hill, and great blockers in the line, and scoring about 40 points a game.

Now, these girls have a tradition of doing push-ups after every score, equal to the total score. On Friday nights they may do 150 to 200. Only school where the cheerleaders are in as good a shape as the players, and better than some. The crowd does their part by counting off the push-ups. You know, there are babies born at Oologah who learn to count by their parents taking ’em to football games. Well, I had to get them to do some push-ups along with the cheers. They did 21, and those kids loved counting for them.

I left Oologah, appreciating more than ever how these teachers keep their young students excited about learning, for hours every day. And with no assistance from cheerleaders or rope spinners.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There is nothing in the world like home. You can roam all over the world, but after all, it’s what the people at home think of you that really counts.” WA #128, May 24, 1925

“See where there’s a bill in Congress to make a road from Brownsville, Texas, up along the Rio Grande to El Paso, then on out to San Diego along the Mexican boundary. It’s a good idea and should be built, but it’s called a military highway… Can’t you get government aid without calling it military?” DT # 449, Jan. 3, 1928

# 295, November 5, 2003

CLAREMORE, Okla: Yesterday the celebrations lasted all day, from the birthday party at the Dog Iron Ranch, where entertainment was provided by the Oologah 4^th grade Western Choir and a dozen students from Russia singing “Happy Birthday” in Russian and English, to the Tulsa Rotary Club gala banquet which honored Mr. Henry Zarrow for a long and generous lifetime of service to the town. In between, the Cherokee ladies of Pocahontas Club led a dignified and delightful ceremony at the Museum, and students from the Cherokee School sang and danced carrying on the Cherokee tradition.

Now, mind you, this wrapped up four days in Oklahoma that started with the Bedlam battle on Saturday as the Cowboys of OSU invaded the OU Sooners at Norman. After winning the last two years, the Cowboys came up a little short, 52-9. Kinda like a hundred years ago when real cowboys got fenced off their old range turf by “sooners”. Bob Stoops’ defensive line played like an 8-strand barbed wire fence stretched across the field. Nothing got through.

I watched it on television like most of the state and much of the country. My “offer” to accept an extra ticket got only one reply, from a friend at Ok State who apologized he only had a ticket for himself, and even his wife would have to watch the game from home. By the third quarter he may have been willing to loan me his seat.

Sunday afternoon was the big Parade down Will Rogers Blvd. As he does every year, Gene Pyeatt drove his 1921 Model T Huckster to sorta escort me along. I walked the entire route, but that understates my distance considerably. You see, Claremore, to accommodate the growing population of automobiles a couple of years ago, widened the street, officially, to five lanes. But in a pinch this blvd. could squeeze in at least eleven car widths. So when I shake hands and greet folks on both sides, there’s a lot of zigzagging that burns off layers of shoe leather.

For next year I propose they make the parade a round trip, so we go down along one side, make a u-turn in the middle of the street at the Claremore Daily Progress office tower, and return along the other side. That way the queens and dignitaries and politicians riding on the back of their convertibles only have to look and wave in one direction.

You can meet interesting folks in a parade. Right behind me was Cara Cowan, an elected representative of the Cherokee Nation from here in Claremore. She’s a young professional engineer with some great ideas.

Farther back in the parade was another wonderful woman, a Choctaw, running for the U.S. Congress named Free. That’s her name, Kayln Free. She ought to be elected based on her name alone. Here, we’ve been electing Congressmen for over two hundred years, and there’s not a one of them that didn’t cost us. Electing a Free one would be such a novelty its hard to imagine what she might accomplish in Washington.

On Monday, Oologah schools invited me to address the elementary grades. I’ll save that story for next week’s commentary.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Oologah, Okla., my real old home, had a fine celebration Saturday.” DT #1328, Oct. 26, 1930

“I am pretty sore today. Am looking for the ones that reminded me that 55 years ago today at Oologah, Indian Territory, on Nov. 4, 1879, a boy baby was born. Well anyhow, played a game of polo and roped calves all day, so there is life in the old nag yet.” DT #2573, Nov. 4, 1934

“Going to have beans for supper tonight. I said supper, six o’clock, navy beans, cooked in Oklahoma ham, raised on the Dog Iron Ranch at Oologah. Cooked plenty soupy like. Got to eat ’em with a spoon, raw onions and corn bread, nothing else. Anybody that would want anything else ought to be shot.” WA #583, Feb. 25, 1934

“Personally, I have toured and looked over every city in the United States in the past year, and I think Tulsa is the livest, most progressive one, with the exception of Claremore, in the United States. It’s the hub of the Oil Industry, so every Realtor should study Tulsa. If your state or city ever strikes oil you will know how an oil city should be conducted.” How To Be Funny, date??

# 294, October 26, 2003

CLAREMORE, Okla: It’s good to be home. I flew into Tulsa Thursday morning, rented a car and headed to Tahlequah in Cherokee County. The Sancta Sophia Seminary, situated ten miles north of Tahlequah according to their directions, invited me to speak to their present and aspiring preachers.

Drove through Muskogee, and the old historic section of Tahlequah, then headed north into the scenic hill country to find this Seminary. They sent me good instructions, told where to make every turn, even said where the blacktop would turn into a gravel road.

After about nine miles, with seldom any sign of civilization, I started up a steep grade, and then I remembered how they often build churches on top of the hill. It’s either to be closer to God or farther from the Devil, one or the other. Well, about half way up there, I wasn’t contemplating either God or the Devil. What I was thinking was, I should have rented a horse.

But once that old Chevy got to the top, what a beautiful sight. It was worth the climb. They’re a delightful bunch and I can’t recall ever having a better audience.

Then I spent the next three days wandering over northeastern Oklahoma. Mainly Claremore, and Oologah but also Pryor and Jay, kinda getting reacquainted with the home folks.

Lots of news in the papers this week…

Miami beat the Yankees in the World Series, in case you missed it.

A fellow named Kirk Jones went over Niagara Falls, and lived. Now let me ask you. Soon as you heard that, did you wonder if it was a pilot for a new Hollywood reality show? Survivor Falls? More likely, with book and movie rights, he’ll be Kirk Millionaire.

Three hundred illegal immigrants were arrested for working at Wal-Mart. The next day Massachusetts invited all 300 to apply for a drivers license.

But the big news in Oklahoma, other than football, is that the state is getting fat. I don’t mean fat on revenues, they’re broke like every other state. No, I mean fat on food.

“The Oklahoman” newspaper yesterday said “Obesity Continues to Grow”. Over half of Oklahomans are overweight and one-fourth are obese, or in today’s vernacular, supersized. Folks claim they’ve tried almost everything except maybe to change their eating and exercising habits. Stomach stapling is the latest fad.

Now, you folks that read my Weekly Comments on a regular basis know that I seldom bring up my personal life. But here is one time I will make an exception, and maybe offer a solution for Oklahoma’s fat problem.

In March I weighed 220. By August I was at 180 and that’s where it’s staying. I ain’t telling you that to boast or brag, in fact I am mighty ashamed to admit my weight got away from me. I’m glad it’s back where it was many years ago, without resorting to a suction tube, starvation or a staple gun.

You’re wondering, what’s the secret? Sometimes I kid around and say it’s “Will” power. But really, it’s that low carbohydrate Adkins plan. I have found if you focus on the good things you can eat, like meat, lettuce, eggs, butter, cheese, berries and almonds, then you don’t miss so much the things you eliminate including desserts, bread, potatoes, regular cereal, chips, milk, juice and sugared drinks. Get yourself one of those Adkins books, and you’ll find plenty of good stuff to eat.

I would never claim this is the weight control plan for everyone, but it works for a few million of us, so you may as well take a crack at it. Be sure to get your wife or husband to support you, your friends too, and folks you work with. You sure don’t need them offering you food and drink you can’t have, and you might even cause some of them to join you.

Here’s your first test. On Halloween, give all the leftover candy to charity or feed it to the hogs.

Can you believe my good luck. I’m coming back here next weekend. Oklahoma plays Oklahoma State in the biggest college game of the day and if you have a spare ticket… well, all I can promise is I don’t need quite as much space as before.

“My” birthday is Tuesday, election day, and Claremore is putting on a parade Sunday afternoon, so I’ll be here for it. If I walk the full two mile route, I figure I can eat a big slice of birthday cake, without objection from the Adkins folks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(This is from a speech Will made at a banquet for the corset manufacturers) “When our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help bring them back to some semblance of a human frame.” WA #12, March 4, 1923