Author: Randall Reeder

Weekly Comments: Prizes for the President, but the wrong ones

COLUMBUS: Sometimes a man can’t win. You lose the Olympics that you wanted to win; then win a Nobel Peace Prize you wanted to lose.

President Obama said he was “humbled,”  and announced he would donate the $1.5 million Nobel prize money to charity. I suggest he give it to the Red Cross, or to whoever finished second. But any good, deserving charity is fine, but not PETA, ACORN or HSUS.

Last year those Nobel folks in Norway picked a man who worked on peacemaking for more than 30 years. But nobody ever heard of him so this time they selected one that’s famous, even if he had only been in the White House a week. My friend from Oklahoma, George Campbell, joked it was the Nobel Prize for Unpacking. The Nobel committee even admitted it was a prize for promise. They liked his potential and attitude. (Kinda like most 2008 voters.)

Now in the last hundred years they have selected many deserving winners of the Peace Prize. Norman Borlaug was a great one because his agricultural research helped feed an extra billion people. Mother Teresa in Calcutta and Desmond Tutu. The Red Cross got it three times.

But when it comes to wars, they gave more Peace Prizes to men that ended a war by surrendering than to ones that won. Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill “won” World War II and saved Europe, but never got a Peace Prize. President Reagan won the Cold War over Russia, and never got a Peace Prize. But Gorbachev did.

Don’t be surprised if President Obama is also named the Time magazine Man of the Year. And there’s a chance he’ll be the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. But whether he makes the cover of the Swimsuit issue, I’ve got my doubts.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We are a good-natured bunch of saps in this country. When the President is wrong we charge it to inexperience…When Congress is wrong we charge it to habit…. When a bank fails we let the guy go start another one….Everything is cockeyed, so what’s the use kidding ourselves.” DT #1226, June 30, 1930

“I would like to stay in Europe long enough to find some country that don’t blame America for everything in the world that’s happened to ’em in the last fifteen years– debts, depression, disarmament, disease, fog, famine or frostbite.” DT #1718, Jan 26, 1932

“This Kellogg peace treaty,  a lot of folks don’t seem to be enthusiastic about it, but it’s based on a great idea (to outlaw war), and if he does get away with it he deserves a lot of credit… I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this: no nation is allowed to enter a new war till they have paid for the last one.” DT #653, August 29, 1928 (Secretary of State Frank C. Kellogg received the 1929 Nobel Peace Prize)

H1N1, by any other name, can make you squeal

COLUMBUS: It’s a shame some folks are getting H1N1 flu virus, especially students. For most of them, it’s no worse than other ailments that occasionally torment college students.

While I was in Norfolk last week I read the Saturday edition of the Virginian-Pilot. I’m sure it’s an honorable newspaper, and that they practice “honest and intelligent journalism” because that’s what it says right under their masthead. So I was surprised to read a story in there about swine flu. Calling H1N1 by another name that defames an innocent farm animal is about as “honest and intelligent” as saying the Washington Redskins are a great football team.

According to the Virginian-Pilot, the Medical College at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore has started a plan to call anything associated with H1N1 by a swine term. They say it’s in fun, but I rather doubt the Agricultural College at Johns Hopkins would be too thrilled about these learned medical professionals poking fun at their business. Of course, Johns Hopkins has not seen fit to teach agriculture, so there’s no one to complain, for instance, that a student with swine flu be called a pig. Or a sick freshman, a piglet. I’m guessing an older female student with flu is a sow. A sick student’s room is called a pig pen, or if it gets messy while the student is laid up with flu, a pig sty. An isolated area at the dining hall where flu-laden students are allowed to eat together is called the trough.

Well, as long the dining hall keeps serving all the students ham and pork chops for supper and bacon and sausage for breakfast, I guess they can go hog wild with their swine terms without any real harm. And if the students remember to wash their hands frequently (with hog tide) maybe it’ll keep a few more of them from having to pay a visit to one of these Medical College interns. That could be dangerous because those funny docs might jab a needle in sideways just to hear you squeal.

Here’s another idea for ‘em: change the name of the university to Johns Hog-kins.

Now I don’t mean to pick on a fine newspaper or university, because there’s plenty of others just like them. You may remember my feeble attempt to change H1N1 to Hiney. I think our students would quickly adopt the nickname Hiney flu, if the newspapers and MTV would get behind it. They are great to take on new terms, like BTW and LOL, and I think calling it Hiney flu would have a certain appeal to them.

Even David Letterman might joke about Hiney flu. That’s about as close as he’ll want to get to a joke of a sexual nature. Now, I’m not going to pile on a fellow humorist except to point out that this may explain why Katy Couric hasn’t been on his show for a while. And I did hear a rumor that CBS is insisting he change the name of his business to Worldwide Pants Down.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The New York Times advertises ‘All the news that’s fit to print’. I believe the news that’s NOT fit to print is what makes the newspapers.” WA #138, Aug. 2, 1925

“Well, all I know is just what I read in the papers. The old paper in the morning is my breakfast. Course I don’t entirely depend on it. I like it accompanied by some ham and eggs, and a few biscuits, a series of cups of coffee, and a few wheat cakes to help get your mind off the editorials.” WA #257, Nov. 27, 1927

Weekly Comments: Peace talks are fine but keep your gun loaded

COLUMBUS: This was quite a week for peace. At the United Nations, President Obama called to order the Security Council and they unanimously passed a motion to work toward a world without nuclear weapons. As soon as the vote was announced they all cheered, and every leader there slipped out and called home with the same message: Build more Nukes.

Next up was the speeches. Qaddafi of Libya and Chavez of Venezuela and the little fellow from Iran that we can’t pronounce all got their turn on stage. They took turns bashing America and the rest of the civilized world, and seeing who could tell the biggest lies. Where is Joe Wilson when you really need him?

Our President is back in Washington, working on changes in health care. He already promised to cut prices by eliminating waste and fraud. But he never defined exactly what fraud he would go after. Well, in a recent interview he gave a hint. After ACORN was embarrassed by videos where they promoted illegal activities, he was asked about the $50 million the government had paid to ACORN. He said that’s nothing to be concerned about because we have bigger problems to solve. So right there, he pretty much set the bar on fraud. If you want to cheat the government out of health care funds, keep it under $50 million and you’ll be home free.

Food prices are back in the news. Farmers are getting paid less than a year or two ago, but grocery stores and restaurants are charging more. Not much different than in 1925: “Steak on the plate went up, steak on the hoof went down.”  Now, the Dept of Agriculture has a solution for you; get to know a farmer and buy direct. Not only do you cut out the middle man, you get acquainted with the folks that work to grow your food.

Speaking of farmers, one thing they are all praying for is a late frost. All across the country many crops got planted a week or two later than normal. They’re growing fine, but a delay in freezing weather would be greatly appreciated. Norman Borlaug, the great agricultural scientist who died recently, developed genetically-modified crops that helped keep a billion people from starvation. But I doubt he came up any that would keep growing after a hard freeze.

I just returned from Norfolk where I spoke at the Performing Arts Exchange. It’s mainly musical groups, singers, and dancers in kind of a gigantic tryout to get booked for live shows across the country. My angle to get hired was to promise not to sing, dance or play an instrument. Being over there so close to Washington, I  told them for my act I just watch the government and report the facts. Don’t even have to exaggerate. There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“It’s all right to go to these (Disarmament) Conferences. But it’s always well to come home and reload your gun after each one is over.” WA #416, Dec. 14, 1930

Weekly Comments: Health care plan floods air waves

COLUMBUS: This morning President Obama booked himself on five TV news shows, and Monday night he’s on Letterman. Don’t be surprised if next weekend he preempts the half time show of every football game.

He says that if he can’t persuade us on television, he’ll start calling on the telephone. Can you imagine him calling 300 million of us? Naturally he’ll commence with the Democrats. He’ll hope to convince enough Democrats that he don’t have to worry with the Republicans at all.

His problem is that the majority like their health care the way it is. Don’t change a thing, they say. Well, the reason they like it is because they aren’t the ones paying for it. If everyone knew the cost, and had to pay it themselves, they might be willing to shop for a cheaper option.

The President says medical costs are too high and they have increased way too fast over the past ten or twenty years. He may be right, but half the increase is because of new medicines and technology. Do you want to give that up? What’s that leave to cut, other than trial lawyers and insurance profits? I rather doubt you want to cut your doctor’s salary, at least not until after your surgery.

It kinda looks like he’s gonna keep hounding us till we give up and accept it. Only then can we ever hope to find out exactly what it was we accepted.

Some of our big economists announced the “Recession is over.” Well, that’s just an economist’s way of saying it probably won’t get any worse unless you lose your job. It’s like a weatherman reporting that the river has stopped rising; it don’t mean the flood is over if you have five feet of water in your living room.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.” (no specific date)

“The trouble with the Democrats has been up to now that they have been giving the people ‘what they thought they ought to have,’ instead of ‘what they wanted’.” Saturday Evening Post, March 30, 1929

“Democrats never agree on anything… That’s why they’re Democrats; if they could agree with each other, they would be Republicans.” Saturday Evening Post, May 1, 1926

“Perhaps in a few months our Politicians will change… You know, Politicians, after all, are not over a year behind public opinion.” WA #25, June 3, 1923

Weekly Comments: Tips for writing health care bill

COLUMBUS: This was a big weekend for football. And it seemed that anybody not watching football was in Washington Saturday for the 9-12 gathering. In some of the football stadiums where the home team got beat, the chant at the end of the game was the same as it was in Washington: Throw the Bums Out!

The main problem with this health care reform bill is that there are a half dozen versions and they’re all written by lawyers. (See Historic quotes.) Each one is a thousand pages, so naturally you can find something on page 523, say, of one bill that contradicts page 879 of another one.

Only way to clear this thing up is to condense it down to about 20 pages that spells it out straight. Does this new government insurance cover American citizens? (Yes or no). Does it cover people who are here illegally? Does it cover the birth of a baby? Abortions?

If insurance is offered to everyone, will they charge the same for a healthy 30-year old as for an overweight 60-year old smoker? (Before answering, think of charges for auto insurance based on driver age and vehicle value.)

Once they get it down in simple English you won’t need any politician to stand up and explain it and risk being called a liar. He can just hand it to you and say read it yourself.

Now when it comes to cost, if they claim it won’t cost you anything, why that’s like your dentist saying, “This won’t hurt much.”  And if they say it will be paid for by eliminating waste and fraud, just ask how much waste and fraud they eliminated last year. No matter how many scoundrels they eliminate, there’s always another batch ready to pounce on easy money.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The minute you read something and you can’t understand it you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. Then if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don’t know just what it means, why then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. If it’s in a few words and is plain and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer.
Every time a lawyer writes something, he is not writing for posterity, he is writing so that endless others of his craft can make a living out of trying to figure out what he said, course perhaps he hadent really said anything, that’s what makes it hard to explain.” WA #657, July 28, 1935

“Today, Saturday, minds are not on politics, they are not on national affairs, they are on football. Did you know that football is becoming about as big a nuisance as politics? Millions of football fans are going to football games this afternoon. Mind you, I think it’s a great thing.” DT #726, Nov. 23, 1928

Weekly Comments: Is Congress smarter than a fifth grader?

COLUMBUS: Tomorrow is Labor Day, and it’s been more than 25 years since we had so many out of work. It’s a shame; we’ve got near ten percent unemployment, and at least that many more who aren’t working as much as they want to.
I read a message from Dan Burris that sure relates to Labor Day, “In the past, our country needed a well-trained work force. Now it needs a work force capable of being re-trained again and again.”  He sure has that one right. He is what’s called a Futurist, and he does a better job of looking into the future than anybody on Wall Street, or in Congress.
As a result of the recession we’ve lost $2 Trillion in retirement savings accounts. So President Obama announced over the radio Saturday that he wants workers to spend less and save more. Then on Sunday, Treasury Secretary Geithner announced that the government will continue to spend all of the $700 Billion stimulus. After all, the purpose of the stimulus is to put money into the economy, probably to offset the money that workers are holing away and taking out of the economy.
This week President Obama will address the nation (and Congress). It’s a big speech, kind of a State of the Union of private and government health insurance. The president has a monumental task because the vast majority like what they’ve got and don’t see any reason to tie the knot with a government health plan they don’t hardly know. The President may tell us it’ll be three or four years before the nuptials are consummated and by then the big galoot will look mighty handsome.
Some folks are concerned that on Tuesday President Obama is gonna speak directly to our school children and that he might hint to ‘em to, you know, join the Young Democrats. But really, I think other than telling them to stay is school and study hard, he’ll spend most of his speech explaining why we need to act now to solve the health care dilemma. He figures if a fifth grader can understand it, maybe Congress will, too.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

 “Tomorrow is Labor Day, I  suppose set by act of Congress… How Congress knew anything about labor is beyond us, but anyhow tomorrow is Labor Day.” DT #967, Sept. 1, 1929

“Now we read in the papers every day (about) one or a dozen different problems that’s supposed to be before this country.  There’s not really but one problem before the whole country.   The only problem is at least 7,000,000 people are out of work.  That’s our only problem.  There is no other one before us at all.  It’s to see that every man that wants to (and) is able to work, is allowed to find a place to go to work…” President’s Organization on Unemployment Relief Broadcast, October 18, 1931

 “Spending when we didn’t have it put us where we are today. Saving when we have got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.” DT #1353,  Nov. 24, 1930

 “We live better and owe more than anybody in the world.” Aug. 8, 1928

Senator Kennedy, a man of good humor

COLUMBUS: Will Rogers would have enjoyed talking and joking with Senator Kennedy, just as he did Huey Long, Reed Smoot, Joe Grundy, Jim Reed, and all the other humorists in the Senate.

One thing in common all the speakers said about Ted Kennedy was that he liked to laugh. It seemed that he treated debate in the Senate like a mock debate in college; when it was over he would hug his “opponent” and joke about how they had done.

The quotes below were not about Ted Kennedy, but they probably could have been.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: 

“You know I like to make little jokes and kid about the Senators.  They are a kind of a never ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement.  But the Rascals, when you meet ‘em face to face and know ‘em, they are mighty nice fellows. It must be something in the office that makes ‘em so ornery sometimes.  When you see what they do officially you want to shoot ‘em, but when one looks at you and grins so innocently, why you kinder want to kiss him.” WA #345, Aug. 4, 1929

“Well, visited the Senate Saturday and renewed many pleasant acquaintances. They are a fine bunch of fellows when you take into consideration the amount of things the people lay onto ‘em. They rant at each other in there, then come out and are good friends.” DT #2336, Jan. 28, 1934

“Funny thing about being a U. S. Senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement necessary. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught in there.” DT #2770, June 21, 1935

“We lost a mighty good ex-Senator out here this week. James Phelan, a philanthropist, a scholar, a patron of the arts and a gentleman; with these qualifications, naturally a Democrat.” DT #1262, August 11, 1930

“There is an old legend that years ago there was a man elected to Congress who voted according to his own conscience.” Notes, 1919

“You may ask: Isn’t the Presidency higher than Senator? Well, no! The Senate can make a sucker out of any President, and generally does.” Republican Convention, Article #6, June 8, 1920

“The trouble with Senators is that the ones that ought to get out, don’t.” WA #323, March 3, 1929

“The Senate opened at twelve o’clock. Huey (Long) grabbed ‘em by the ears at 12:05 and shook ‘em till four o’clock. Well, when he turned ‘em loose they was ready to go home and behave themselves.” DT #2637, Jan. 17, 1935

Weekly Comments: Work ain’t like it used to be

COLUMBUS: I learned something this week about work. Using a shovel, wheelbarrow, chainsaw, and an axe for a half day at a time can make me feel like10 or 12 hours of work used to. That don’t mean I accomplished a full days work in half a day, quite the contrary. I guess it has something to do with age, but that’s just from the male viewpoint. For a woman, they seem to get hardier as they get older, except they never get older.

President Obama took his family to Martha’s Vineyard for their first vacation in six months. After traveling on business to such spots as London, Paris,  Rome and Cairo, I guess he wanted to see how the other half live. The way some of our Congressmen and Senators are being yelled at back home, there may be about three hundred of ‘em wanting to move in with him.

My campaign to get news outfits to call H1N1 flu by its rightful name has utterly failed. The headline says, “Swine flu getting worse”, then in the main story they feel kinda sheepish and call it  H1N1. It’s no wonder our dailies are losing readers when they have such a low opinion of their subscribers’ intelligence. Headline writers have got everybody so scared of hogs, they ignore the real source of the flu, which is each other. If that ain’t bad enough, along comes another story claiming turkeys have contacted swine flu. That’s a double whammy for farmers. I can’t imagine Thanksgiving dinner without turkey or ham.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I don’t think either (party) knows what it’s all about, to be honest with you.  Both sides are doing nothing but just looking towards the next election. You don’t hear anybody talking any more about, ‘I wonder when these folks are going back to work.  What are they going to do about things picking up?’  All you hear now is, ‘Do you think Roosevelt will be reelected?’  and, ‘Who will the Republicans run?’  Shows you what their minds are on.  Their minds are on their own business.  That’s all it’s on now.” Radio, June 9, 1935

Health care solutions and Hiney flu

COLUMBUS: This month Congress is learning that folks doubt that our government knows more than doctors about how to keep them healthy. There’s nothing wrong with a Dept. of Health keeping an eye on the whole industry and heading them in the right direction when they get off track. But the government doesn’t need a representative standing there beside the doctor while they ponder whether to prescribe two aspirin or to operate.

It’s kinda like farmers who don’t want the Humane Society of U.S. put in charge of teaching them how to raise and care for their chickens, cattle and hogs. One of the first things a farmer learns at a young age is if the animals aren’t well-fed, cared for, and healthy they sure aren’t going to lay more eggs, give more milk, or add more pounds of lean meat. And the more efficiently the animals produce eggs, milk and meat, the less money you need to spend on food.

In the U.S., everybody has a choice. If you want eggs layed by hens that roam free (like all of them did fifty years ago), then you can buy ‘em. The price this week is over $3.00 a dozen. Regular eggs at the same grocery are ninety cents. You can’t tell any difference between them, but HSUS wants everybody to pay $3.00. Or stop eating eggs at all. And no meat either.

Now I don’t blame the President for trying to improve health care and reduce costs. But there is legitimately only about 5 million Americans that can’t afford health insurance; for the others uninsured, it’s their choice. If they drive a car, they know how to buy insurance. And their health ought to be worth more than a car.

I read in the newspaper where Charles Krauthammer has a great plan to cut out the lawyers’ share of health costs. Instead of malpractice trials, where the lawyers get a third, create boards of medical professionals who will punish the guilty doctors and hospitals, and award reasonable payments to the victims, all paid for by a small insurance charge. That alone would save enough to cover the 5 million uninsured.

You’ve got to remember that about half of the cost increase in the last thirty years has been from new medicines, new technology and other advancements. We don’t want to give that up. What we should give up is overeating. That might save the other half.

While we’re on the subject of health, have you noticed how many news folks still incorrectly call the flu outbreak that started in Mexico as “swine flu?” It’s really H1N1, but nobody wants to say “H-one-N-one” so they say swine. I suggest a nickname for H1N1: call it  “Hiney flu.” With hiney flu you’re just as sick, but you’re not impugning innocent hogs as contributing to your illness.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“This Alaska is a great country. If they can just keep from being taken over by the U. S. they got a great future. There may be some doubt about the Louisiana purchase being a mistake, but when Seward in 1868 bought Alaska for $7,000,000 he even made up for what we had overpaid the Indians for Manhattan Island.” DT #2815, Aug. 13, 1935 (one of the last columns by Will before his death Aug. 15.)

Weekly Comments: Congress wants to fly, not read

COLUMBUS: This health care argument is putting a dark cloud over summer vacation, and not just for Congress. About three-fourths claim they like their health care just the way it is. But  President Obama is trying to convince us to sign up for another plan that will “save the health care system.” Only trouble is it will mainly increase costs and reduce care for the three-fourths in order to insure the other one-fourth.

I happened to talk this week with a young woman who has been accepted to start medical school, and I asked what she thought of the health care proposal. Well, she isn’t too thrilled about it. She’s dedicated to becoming a doctor, but she figures “many of the brightest students will choose a different direction”. I jumped in with, “like becoming a lawyer?”  No wonder she’s concerned. With the government adding 40 million people to the health care system, that’s what the country needs all right: fewer doctors, and more lawyers to sue ‘em.

People are shocked that their Congressman hasn’t read the bill he voted for. They’re just now learning what many of us have known for years: nobody in Congress has ever read any bill in it’s entirety.

Well, I ain’t read it either. But according to those who have, the bill is 1000 pages explaining that government commissions will be appointed to fill in 98 percent of the details about the plan. There’s supposed to be about 50 of these commissions and they will bring the final bill up to around 100,000 pages, which of course nobody will ever read.  If you want to get a glimpse of the future of your health, ask your Congressman or Senator this question: Out of those 50 commissions, how many will be headed up by a Doctor, and how many by a lawyer?

Congress spent much of 2009 shaming the big banks and automobile companies into selling their executive jets. Claimed it wasn’t right for outfits dependent on public money to have their top people flying hither and yon unless it was coach. Now the newspapers are reporting that Congress ordered a bunch of  new jets of their own, costing us half a Billion dollars. I guess if these folks at GM, or Chrysler or Bank of America want to fly anywhere, maybe they can hitch a ride with Speaker Pelosi or Senator Reid. Congress has no intention of signing up to use the same health care plan they’re proposing for the rest of us, and apparently that applies to airplanes, too.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I don’t suppose there ever was a time when everybody knew as little about what they were talking about as they do today. Actual knowledge of the future was never lower but hope was never higher.
Confidence will beat predictions any time.” DT #2224, Sept. 19, 1933

“…People who send useless wires (telegrams) –  I was about to say, people who send useless wires to useless Congressmen, but I wouldn’t say a thing like that.  That’s kind of raw, and I wouldn’t do a thing like that.  I wouldn’t say that. So on either one of these plans don’t wire your Congressman.  Don’t wire him; even if he could read, don’t wire him.” Radio, May 26, 1935