Author: Randall Reeder

Today I was going to joke about how this column would have been three times longer and sent out hours sooner if I had not sent it to the White House for review first. Fortunately, before I wrote that little attempt at humor, I read about what the IRS did to organizations that appear to be opposed to the President.

What you see below is all mine, first draft, nothing deleted for national security or political purposes. So if you find grammar mistakes, you can’t blame Jay Carney.

While much of the country is just now realizing the facts about the Benghazi attack, as a  regular reader of this column you were well informed within a few days. Here’s what I wrote on September 16, 2012: The Administration announced that the murder of our Ambassador and 3 others in Libya on Sept. 11 was the result of a “spontaneous” protest. Sure, it was spontaneous in the same way thousands of men with guns suddenly appear in the woods the first day of deer season. Al Qaeda is behind the embassy attack in Egypt and other Muslim countries. They even taunted us with signs that read, “Obama, we’re all Osamas.”

Now I ain’t braggin’ about having any inside knowledge back then. In fact it seems the only ones who remained ignorant were President Obama, Secretary Clinton, Ambassador Rice, and most major networks and newspaper editors.

The big question in Washington today is “Who rewrote the original CIA Benghazi report 11 times?”  Steven Hayes and Jonathan Karl have nosed around Washington and dug up more than anyone else. I suggest the answer is not in Washington, but Chicago. David Axelrod, Rahm Emanuel, and Robert Gibbs are the fellows I would check out to see if they just might have telephoned in a few deletions about Islamic terrorists and instead placed blame on a video.
On a different matter, Attorney General Holder made a speech a week or so ago about immigrants. He flatly stated that anyone who can sneak into this country (which ain’t that hard to do) deserves civil rights the same as a U.S. citizen.  Yes, we have laws against illegal entry, and yes, the Attorney General is our top officer to enforce those laws. I sure don’t want to rile our top cop, but I feel that whatever country they sneaked in from is where they deserve their civil rights. It’s common horse sense. However, I have no doubt we’ll eventually agree to let most of these folks stay. If the Democrats would agree to let half of ‘em vote Republican it would pass for sure.

In some good news, the stock market topped 15,000 for the first time. Of course, it don’t look so great when you recall the Dow was over 14,000 five and a half years ago. Too bad the unemployment rate hasn’t returned to what it was five and half years ago.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“Give (Mother) a day, and then in return why Mother gives you the other 364. They could have given Mother a week, but that would have been giving Mother a little the best of it…”  Radio, May 12, 1935

The Muslim brothers who killed and maimed dozens in Boston were spies.
Like any spy, they pretended to carry on a normal life to fool everyone around them. Except for a few other Muslims (yet to be determined) nobody suspected anything, not even the FBI. Well, the Russians suspected ‘em, and warned us, but who trusts a Russian?

America has raised $28 million for the victims of the Boston terrorists. That’s good. But we need to remember also that a fertilizer plant in the small Texas town of West blew up. Fourteen died, almost 200 were injured, and tremendous damage was done to buildings. The nearby Waco Foundation is accepting contributions for the town.

I hate to write this about any President. But Obama’s answer about the Benghazi attack September 11 is the same as Sgt. Schultz’s on Hogan’s Heroes: “I know nothiiing.” And Secretary of State Clinton is no better. One of her ambassadors was killed by Islamic terrorists, and five months later she told Congress,  “What difference does it make now?” She said she did not even know that Ambassador Stevens had requested more security protection. Apparently she was busy trying to maintain peace and protect our national security by flying to places like Malawi, Latvia and Lithuania. And Benin, Burma and Togo, too.

Well, this week some men who survived the Benghazi terrorist attack will inform President Obama and Mrs. Clinton what the rest of us suspected all along. When they testify to Congress we’ll all learn details we should have learned, first hand, last October. The President kept the details hidden until after the 2012 election. Mrs. Clinton hopes the details are forgotten before the 2016 election.

Have you heard about the Pigford case? Fifteen years ago the Department of Agriculture admitted they had discriminated against some southern black farmers, and they deserved compensation. Well, out of an estimated 3000 farmers who might have been refused loans, how many do you suppose have filed a claim? About 100,000. So far. Out of those legitimate 3000, the most anyone collected was $50,000. But one man collected $10,000,000. You might say, ‘He must have been a really big farmer.’ No, he’s a lawyer. A big shyster lawyer named Al Pires. He recruited many of the 97,000 pretend farmers, promised to get them some free money, and pirated a big chunk of it for himself.  This scheme has cost us taxpayers way over two Billion dollars, with most going to lawyers who turn around and grease the palms of politicians who keep the scheme going with no end in sight.

Another shyster lawyer convinced USDA that Cherokees and other Indian farmers deserved $750,000,000; so far the lawyer distributed $300,000,000 but they have hung on to the rest. The only way an Indian farmer has a chance to make as much from his land as the lawyer is to build a casino on it. The odds on that ain’t so good either.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:
“3500 lawyers of the American Bar Association are here (in Los Angeles) eating us out of house and home. They are here, they say, ‘to save the Constitution, to preserve State rights.’ What they ought to be here for, that would make this convention immortal, is to kick the crooks out of their profession.”  DT #2789, July 14, 1935
 “Went down and spoke at (the ABA convention) last night. They didn’t think much of my little squib yesterday about driving the shysters out of their profession. They seemed to kinder doubt just who would have to leave.” DT #2791, July 16, 1935

Do you remember two weeks ago when the FBI announced that an Elvis Presley impersonator had mailed an envelope with the deadly poison ricin to President Obama? Well, in an odd twist, it seems that the ricin was actually sent by a man impersonating the impersonator.

Meanwhile in Syria, President Obama believes that poison gas has been used against civilians. However he stopped short of blaming the attack on Elvis. Or any Elvis impersonators.

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin says he will reintroduce the bill to require background checks for gun purchases, except for sales to relatives. The bill previously lost by 6 votes, but he’s optimistic it will pass when other Senators realize how many of their gun-toting constituents are related.

Here’s a good question to ask your lawyer friends. If an immigrant tricks us into giving him U.S. citizenship, then carries out a terrorist attack, does he  deserve any “Constitutional rights?”

We haven’t heard from the young North Korean lately. I think he’s waiting for a slow news day to announce he will launch a rocket. He will say he’s aiming at the Pacific Ocean, then after it splashes down he’ll proudly proclaim that he hit the target.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

“Well, here we are in Korea… I found people that have funnier hats than the kind you are wearing back home. It’s a sort of old cab driver’s derby, but it’s made of screen netting like the thing we used to keep over cheese in the Claremore grocery store.” DT #1678, Dec. 9, 1931

All our attention has been focused on Boston and the small Texas town of West.  One was an attack by Islamic terrorists, the other a tragic industrial explosion at a fertilizer plant. Both need our prayers and support.

President Obama lost out last week on his desire to limit gun sales. Even with West Virginia Senator Manchin promising to exempt all relatives from background checks, folks out in the country just don’t see how such a law would prevent shootings like in the Connecticut and Colorado schools. The President went all out to eliminate so-called assault rifles and clips holding more than a few bullets. He got nothing out of it but pen he planned to sign it with.

The President should have seen a parallel with the Democrats stance on Prohibition in 1929, as described by Will Rogers:
“I see in Washington dispatches that the Democrats are planning to take the wet [pro-alcohol] side and make a direct issue of Prohibition in ‘32. Why a man should dig his grave three years before he is buried is almost unexplainable. I spent three years in 48 states kidding and joking on both sides of Prohibition, and if you think this country is wet, you got a big city angle on a nation that is composed of country folks. It’s the only law we ever had where the small town and country folks know they hold the trump card. You can’t change it without their permission, and you won’t get it. They are just laughing at you.”  (May 1, 1929)

Of course, the ‘32 election turned out fine for the Democrats, based on the economy, not Prohibition.  The wets eventually prevailed, overturning the 18th Amendment with the 21st Amendment in ‘33. Don’t hold your breath waiting for the 2nd Amendment to be overturned.

The Midwest planting season is off to a peculiar start.  In Minnesota corn planters are sitting out in the field, surrounded by snow drifts. In Illinois a farmer who last year had already planted corn was seen water skiing on the same field. Last fall the Mississippi was drying up, delaying barge traffic. Now high water is delaying the same barges.

Stocks are holding steady. Gold has dropped. I’m still high on farmland, even if it’s temporarily underwater.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“The biggest marathon race we have in this country finished here today, and an old boy from Canada won it, because he never owned a Ford and didn’t know how to run one. Outsiders won everything. We ride good, but we get out of wind walking to the garage.” DT #852, Apr. 19, 1929

Just when you thought no one could come up with something new to tax, here comes Maryland. The Governor decided to tax rain. Not all rain, just the rain that falls on concrete, asphalt and roofs that don’t leak. That’s quite a relief to farmers. They already pay a tax on their land which would be practically useless without rain.

On the other hand, farmers and ranchers in Oklahoma and Texas would be delighted to pay a tax on rain if they could just get some. If those two state governments had to live on a rain tax they would be more broke than California.

This tax is gonna set Maryland back a hundred years. From sports stadiums to shopping centers to homeowners, they’ll all rip up their paved parking lots and driveways. From now on you’ll have to park your car on dirt to avoid the rain tax. When it rains, well, good luck getting your car out of the mud. But if that’s what it takes to please a governor, that’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make.

The argument over illegal immigrants (sorry, undocumented immigrants) would be easier to understand if we treated it like our home instead of our country. When you lock your doors at night it’s to keep out the “undocumented.” If someone wants to enter, they knock and you decide if you want to let ‘em in. It’s common sense.

That brings us to guns. Chicago is the murder capital of the country, just like in the 1920s. I bet the cops could identify 90 percent of the criminals and gang members and confiscate their guns if the mayor would let ‘em. That would clean up the town and bring it back to civilization.

Here’s another idea. When a woman gets a divorce the husband usually deserves it. And he’s lucky she didn’t just shoot him. So he should be happy to give up his guns along with alimony. She might even let him deduct a few dollars from the alimony check to buy meat with, since he can’t go hunting for it.

The President is tickled the country is talking about immigration and guns instead of the economy. Jobs are stagnant. Tax rates are up. People are buying less. Until Washington gets serious and takes their foot off the brake pedal, they have decided to hunker down, save money and hope for better days ahead. You might say, “Yes, but the stock market is at a record high.” That’s right, but only because the Federal Reserve keeps blowing hot air into the financial balloon. Any time now it could bust.

Australia watched “Breakfast at the Masters.” It took a playoff to decide who wears the green jacket. For us it was Sunday afternoon, but when Adam Scott won the Masters in Augusta, Georgia, it was Monday morning back home. Just think, at the end an Aussie had to beat an Angel from Argentina to win it.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“The Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf has.” WA #99, Nov. 2, 1924

Here we are in the middle of tax paying season and the President announces more ways to spend our hard-earned money. He wants banks to loan money to people with poor credit so they can buy a house. That idea worked so well when Barney Frank and Chris Dodd persuaded banks to do it that he wants to repeat it. Of course those bank loans would be federally insured, with our money. Back in the ‘30s we had Hoovervilles; if this goes through we may be stuck with Obamavilles, financed with our money.
Next, the President wants us to put 11 million illegal immigrants on a “path to citizenship.” But he offers no concrete plan to close the path that got ‘em here. Unless we control the borders this is an open invitation to the next 11 million waiting to sneak in. Of course we want immigrants. But it’s our house and we should get to pick the ones we want to live with.
Oh, I apologize. According to the Associated Press, those of us writing in newspapers must stop saying “illegal immigrants” and substitute the term “undocumented immigrants”. But I like Jay Leno’s term better: “undocumented Democrats.”
Here’s exciting news. NASA has requested a hundred million dollars for a plan to “lasso” an asteroid and pull it into an orbit close to the moon. Since there’s never been anyone better with a lasso, I suggest the rocket ship built to do this be called the “Will Rogers.” However, if you scoff at the idea of spending millions on a hair-brained scheme to round up an asteroid, I can understand why you may want it named after one of Will’s favorite horses: “Dopey.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers: (on taxes)
 “The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.” DT #1764, March 20, 1932
 “It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.” DT #1770, March 27, 1932
“Here is New York City where all the money in the world is, and where every guy with a dollar is doing better than he was a year ago. (They say) ‘What’s this country coming to? This income tax is terrible.’ (and) ‘I am doing better than I have since ‘29, but when are we going to get back to the good old days?’ Well, the good old days (for) most of us was when we didn’t earn enough to pay an income tax.”  DT #2699, March 31, 1935
 “California is pawing the ground over a proposed State income tax. The kicks would carry more weight if we could get somebody to kick that didn’t have to pay it. Some of our patriotic citizens have offered to leave the State if it passes and the State may take ‘em up on it.” DT #2184, Aug. 3, 1933
 “Everybody says, ‘Where’s the money coming from that we’re spending’? Well, offhand, I’d say it’s coming from those that have got it.” Radio, April 7, 1935

COLUMBUS: For a while last week the war was going pretty smooth; gasoline dropped to $1.30. But tonight it was back up to $1.60, so perhaps our optimism was a bit too high.

We watch this war too much like a basketball game, where our whole disposition changes in an instant depending on who has the ball and who scored last. These folks saying the war should have been over in a week are the same ones that yelled at their microwave because it took more than two minutes to cook supper.

Give the Generals a chance to make a few mistakes, on both sides, and just wait and see who adjusts the best. The diplomats had this war all to themselves for 12 years, and you see what a mess they made of it. You can’t expect the marines to clean it up in 12 days.

A week or so ago I was over in Lewis County, West Virginia. I went to a pancake and sausage supper Saturday night, all you could eat, with butter and maple syrup. It was held at Horner, in an old historic school building, one with 2 classrooms at the front and a slightly bigger room at the back with a stage at one end so it could be used as an auditorium or lunchroom or even a small gym in a pinch. They had live bluegrass and gospel music, and I want you New Yorkers to hear this, a ticket to the whole shebang was only $4.00.

Nobody could ask for more freedom than that.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on the value of an Air Force)

“If we were told tomorrow that the future and the safety of our country depended on football and athletics, why everybody the whole country over would be out practicing and all excited about it. But when any sane person absolutely knows that the success of the next war is in the air, why they just drag along and think somebody is kidding ’em.” WA #227, April 17, 1927

“I tell you any experiment that is being made in the air is not a waste of time or money. Our defense (and) offense have got to come from the air.” WA #492, May 29, 1932

Eight senators are working on an immigration plan. Big business and labor unions seem to agree with them on allowing the ones who already sneaked into the country to become citizens eventually. How will this turn out?

Let me tell you a true story about illegal immigration. Once upon a time, a nation prospered in peace and affluence for many years. But trouble lay just across the border. In the neighboring land people eyed the vast inviting lands with envy. Small numbers of “intruders” would sneak across the boundary, and the government would catch them and kick them out. But many avoided detection and more followed.

Before long the intruders were pouring in. Some were there legitimately as employees, but others sneaked in. Quite a few were criminals. The biggest business in the nation lobbied relentlessly to allow even more intruders.

Finally, a prominent local citizen got so annoyed he wrote a letter to his national leader. “Are we powerless to enforce our own laws? Are we to submit to such great wrongs by these men who are not citizens? Our laws are not enforced. How in the world can we hold up as a nation when our officers don’t respect the law and the oath they have taken to uphold the law.”

Seeing the looming conflict, the U. S. Congress jumped into the fray, led by a Senator from Massachusetts. Should this prosperous, peaceful nation receive assistance in protecting its borders? After much debate Congress made a pivotal decision: they sided with the intruders.

What? How could Congress make such an outrageous decision? Well, since Congress put itself in the middle of this illegal immigration issue, they created a Commission to negotiate with a delegation of representatives from the nation. One of those representatives was the “prominent local citizen” quoted above. He soon became peeved at the delegation’s inability to agree on what their position should be.

It took Congress five years to reach a decision, but they forced the end this “nation” as we knew it. In 1898 a bill was signed by President McKinley that abolished the laws of that nation.

So who were the main “characters” in this story? The Senator from Massachusetts was Henry Dawes, head of the Dawes Commission. The big business encouraging the Intruders was the Missouri Pacific Railroad. The 1898 bill was the Curtis Act. The Intruders were mainly from Kansas and Arkansas.

And the “nation?” It was the Cherokee Nation, part of Indian Territory which in 1907 became the state of Oklahoma.

The “prominent local citizen” (who also helped write the state constitution for Oklahoma), was Clem Rogers, Will’s father.

Will goes to Ireland for Spring Festival

COLUMBUS: I just returned from three days in Ireland. But there’ll be no jokes about TSA or middle seats or green beer because this Ireland is in West Virginia. Every year the country folks around Ireland hold an Irish Spring Festival in the old 2-room schoolhouse they turned into a community center about thirty years ago.
Let me tell you about this festival. Every year they elect a king and queen and that election funds the whole year for the center. Yes, this election is different in that every vote costs a penny. At only a penny a vote, no one is left out. They start by selecting 3 candidates each for king and queen. The candidates are picked based not for their desire for a taste of royalty but for their “maturity” and willingness to have their arms twisted to run.
The oldest king was a 99-year old everyone knew as Uncle Bill. He had lived in that neck of the woods for all but a couple of years when he was in Europe helping us defeat Germany in World War I. No one ever had the nerve to ask the age of the queens.
The secret to the financial success is that you can vote early and as often as you want, with as many pennies as you wish to drop in the can. Or dollars. Nobody knows who’s ahead because the money doesn’t get counted until the “polls” close. And all the money goes to support the community center.
Just think, if we elected our President that way we could reduce the federal deficit. They say the candidate who collects the most money usually wins; this way it would be guaranteed. Everyone would contribute because, win or lose, it goes to a good cause. If the Koch Brothers or Michael Moore want to give ten million dollars for their candidate, let ‘em. Instead of it being wasted on TV commercials and annoying phone calls the money would go straight into the Treasury.
Here’s another idea the government could adopt. Nobody at the community center gets paid. Everybody volunteers. And nobody ever applied for a big government grant to organize the community. If they need to add a room, someone with a sawmill donates the lumber. Need to expand the parking lot? A bulldozer shows up, followed by dump trucks full of gravel. Once in a while the organizations that meet in the building – 4-H Club, Lions, CEOS – put on a pancake breakfast or ramp supper to make a little extra money.
Back to the Festival… after the new King Andrew and Queen Elizabeth were crowned, the fun included square dancing, Irish costume contest, hayride, Irish road bowling, bingo, a duck race in the creek and a parade on the main highway.  There’s gospel singing and harp music in the nearby Methodist church. The festival will end Wednesday with a climb to the Blarney Rock on top of a hill in front of the center. In the parade, the King and Queen rode in style on a John Deere Gator. But they’ll have to walk up to the Blarney Rock to celebrate the vernal equinox; the hill is too steep and the path too narrow for a Gator.
Everyone has a high old time at the Irish Spring Festival, and without the aid of liquor of any kind, a rarity for anything Irish.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“I have been in twenty countries and the only one where American tourists are welcomed wholeheartedly by everyone is in Ireland. They don’t owe us and they don’t hate us.” DT #3, Aug. 1, 1927

Filibuster returns to the Senate

President Obama’s luck on the sequester keeps getting worse. Just when he was ready to agree with the Republicans that it won’t hurt much, he cut us all an hour. We’re all sleepy headed and a bit dazed, hoping he will give it back next fall. But don’t count on it. He may hold that hour as ransom till we agree to give up some beloved tax deductions.
I read where 5000 illegal immigrant criminals were turned loose. President Obama said we can’t afford to feed ‘em. So he let ‘em out with the understanding that when the sequester ends, they agree to return to prison.
The President has started talking to Republicans instead of throwing (verbal) stones at them. He invited a dozen or so to dinner at an expensive restaurant to discuss how to save money. Well, right there’s an idea. Next time make it a potluck picnic on the White House lawn. Mrs. Obama can provide the fresh vegetables from her garden and every Senator can bring a meat dish from his home state. Make homemade ice cream for dessert with everyone taking a turn at the crank. That’ll do more for reaching an agreement than haggling over who pays the tab for an overpriced dinner ever could.
New York Mayor Bloomberg has spent all his energy lately banning salt, fat, and big drinks with sugar. Fortunately for New Yorkers, alcohol is still available, in any size.
Meanwhile 80 percent of the students graduating from their high schools cannot read and write well enough to enter college. Shucks, 30 percent can’t read the name of the high school on the diploma when it’s handed to ‘em. That’s why the graffiti is indecipherable. Even the ones that write it can’t read it.
Over in Rome, a bunch of men are meeting to select a Pope. That’s the same way we used select a President, or at least the nominees. The individual parties would meet and argue and horse trade until everybody had dropped out except one. Those were the famous “smoke-filled rooms” you’ve heard about. But the only smoke you’ll see from the Cardinals is after they’ve voted. They burn the ballots in an old wood stove, and if they have not reached a decision, they throw an old tire in with ‘em so it puts off black smoke. This can go on for days until two-thirds finally agree on one man. Then they want white smoke so they burn the paper ballots without having to round up another old tire. The Catholics learned this smoke signal system from the Indians.  I’m guessing the whole world will learn of the decision within a second or two of the first sight of the smoke, showing you that old traditions can survive along side new technology.
Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky took the Senate floor for an old fashioned filibuster. He wanted the President to guarantee that no American, even a terrorist, would be killed by a drone on American soil. Sounds reasonable, but he had to stand there and talk for 13 hours without a break of any kind (yes, not even for that). Finally, Obama took pity on the poor soul and sent the Attorney General over to agree with him.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:
“I suggested a plan one time to shorten Senate debate. Every time a Senator tells all he knows, make him sit down.  That will shorten it. Some of them won’t be able to answer roll call.” Radio, April 27, 1930