Author: Randall Reeder

2008 in review, not a pretty sight

COLUMBUS: Looking back on a wacky year, in the words of Will Rogers Today…

The first primary was held in Iowa January 3, ten months before the election. Already the newspapers and television folks are predicting who should win.

 Congress and President Bush wanted to stimulate the economy so they gave us $150 Billion with the proviso that we spend it quickly. If they really want it spent in a hurry, give it all to women.

            Television reporters are saying these March 4 primaries in Ohio and Texas will decide the election. Of course the same reporters said the February 5 primaries would decide the election.

  In March, J. P. Morgan stepped up again to save the country, like he often did in the 1930s. JP Morgan Chase volunteered to pay a couple of dollars for Bear Stearns if the government committed thirty Billion to make sure they didn’t lose any dough on the deal. Some homeowners behind on mortgage payments are complaining: why should a big investment bank getting bailed out, but not us. Well, I can assure those distraught folks that Mr. Morgan will be happy to take the house off their hands if they are willing to accept two cents on the dollar. He won’t even ask for a government guarantee.

            In Pennsylvania Senator Obama went bowling. Senator Clinton went out drinking beer and whiskey, conceding the Baptist vote.

 Rev. Jeremiah Wright came out of hiding, speaking to 10,000 in Detroit. Senator Obama wishes his preacher would lay low for a few months, but Barack has as much chance controlling him as Hillary does with Bill.

 (By May the field had narrowed to three candidates. I resurrected a plan from 1924 when three were locked in a battle.) Put in all three and put on three eight-hour shifts. Divide the work. Of course nobody saw fit to adopt my plan in either ’24 or ’08. But still… can’t you see Mr. McCain taking the morning shift, then Mr. Obama relieving him in the afternoon. That leaves Mrs. Clinton fresh for the midnight shift and all those phone calls at 3:00 a.m.  Now this arrangement may seem to give Hillary the lighter load. But with these three couples sharing the White House, she’ll have her hands full seeing that Bill doesn’t get too frisky with the other First Ladies.

 The Senate invited the Big Oil men to Washington for a meeting. When they went in, oil was $130 a barrel, and by the time they got out it was $135. The more those Senators lambasted ’em, the higher the price jumped.

  In early June Senator Clinton ended her race with 18 million more votes than she started with, but twenty million less dollars. She praised her 18 million voters, then gave a final plea for ’em to support Obama, but to mail her $1.10 each so she could break even.

            In July, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac both lost half their value in one day, which seems logical when you find out they are owed $5 Trillion for mortgages. But Congressman Barney Frank came to their rescue, saying they “are fundamentally sound, not in danger of going under.” I’m not sure it helped. If I was owed $5 Trillion, and needed a spokesman to boost the public’s confidence in me, I wouldn’t call on a man from an organization with an approval rating of 8 percent. Better to hire a  used car salesman.

 Gas is $3.61, about fifty cents less than two weeks ago when Mr. Bush made his little announcement about off shore drilling. It just goes to show what a President can accomplish when he don’t care what Congress says.

  (August)  We lost another bank. This whole mortgage mess came from people speculating that house prices would only go one way. And it was caused by giving a mortgage to people with no way to pay it back. One little change could’ve prevented the entire calamity: instead of paying bankers huge salaries for making loans, only pay ’em on what they collect.

            At the Conventions, most of the excitement centered on the Vice-Presidential picks. Remember Joe Biden ran for President, got 9000 votes in Iowa and dropped out, causing Senator Clinton to ponder on why she wasted six more months gathering 18 million votes, with nothing to show for it. Mr. McCain picked Governor Sarah Palin. He selected her to appeal to women voters who are good mothers, have competed in beauty pageants and love to hunt moose.

            Your government saddled you with more mortgage debt than you could imagine, your share of Five Trillion Dollars in IOUs. Thanks to the ineptitude of the financiers who ran Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, their stock dropped from $60 to less than a dollar. Their CEOs each suggested, with a straight face, we should give them a $10 Million bonus. What we should give them is ten years.

  Treasury Secretary, Mr. Paulson, pulled an early Halloween Trick or Treat. He knocked on our door and demanded Seven Hundred Billion Dollars. Or else. He said he was acting on orders from Wall Street, the big bankers and insurance companies. Well, you can have the money on one condition: For all those birds responsible for creating and perpetuating this mess, we get to set the length of the prison terms.

 Congress and Wall Street are still arguing over the bailout. They can’t agree on whether to call it a loan, or a purchase, or an insurance policy? I would just call it a ripoff.

 The $700 Billion bailout was passed to “stabilize the economy”. Since it was first proposed 3 weeks ago, the economy has stabilized all right, about $7 Trillion below what it was at the time. Gasoline is $2.80. It may go down to a dollar a gallon, but we won’t have a dollar to buy it with.

            As the election campaign winds down, the candidates have been knocked out of the spotlight by Joe the Plumber and Tina Fey.

            This election campaign is coming down to a clear division point between the candidates. Senator Obama says he is representing the 95% who expect to be on the receiving end of the excess wealth of the country, and Sen. McCain says he is looking out for the 5% expected to contribute it. With those percentages it’s no surprise that Mr. Obama draws crowds of 100,000, and Mr. McCain averages 5000.

On Nov. 4 we witnessed an election of historic proportions. As recently as two years ago, no one gave Senator Obama much chance to be nominated, let alone win the Presidency. And at the same time, Senator McCain was seldom mentioned among the Republican contestants. Just like 1932, the loser Tuesday may have been the winner.

            Mr. Obama is lining up his staff and Cabinet. So far, he’s leaning on President Clinton’s administration to provide most of the hired help, including Hillary. Barack checked with Bill first, “I just want to borrow her for 4 years. As Secretary of State she’ll fly all over the world;  most of the time she’ll be out of the country .” Bill said, “Sounds good to me.” He’s meeting with Senator McCain this week. Don’t expect John to be as generous as Bill.

  If Congress and Secretary Paulson want to fix this financial disaster, they should use a chain saw and a hammer. Use the saw to cut off extraneous spending. Then line up everyone responsible for creating this mess, take the hammer and hit ’em right between the eyes. You may dent the hammer, but it’ll do more good than all the loans you’ll pass out in a year. If Congress is wielding the hammer properly, quite a few blows will be self-inflicted.

Citibank wants us to give ’em SEVEN TRILLION DOLLARS!

There is some good news. Gasoline is down to $1.50 a gallon. The OPEC oil ministers held a meeting and announced no cut in production. They said, “We would prefer $75 a barrel, but $50 is better than no money at all.”

Chicago jumped back on the front page. Gov. Blagojevich was trying to fleece a few million for a Senate seat. Meanwhile, Bernard Madoff was showing the world how to run a scam. Madoff made off with $50 Billion in what’s called a Ponzi scheme. Freddie and Fannie and Wall Street bankers lost more than a Trillion, but nobody has yet invented a name for that fraud.

Let’s end 2008 on a positive note. I just read where the United States leads the world in productivity. That ought to be cause for celebration. Our workers produce more per hour of labor than any other country.

  Paraphrasing Will Rogers as we look ahead to 2009, “These bankers and Wall Streeters are optimistic of the future. Lord, who wouldn’t be optimistic with all that dough.”

Weekly Comments: Increase productivity for GM, and Congress

COLUMBUS: Folks are kinda down on America lately, and prospects are looking mighty grim for the coming year. But I just read where the United States leads the world in productivity. That ought to be cause for celebration. Our workers produce more per hour of labor than any other country.

You might be wondering, if American workers are so productive, why are our car companies going broke today. A hundred years ago, Henry Ford doubled the worker’s pay to $5 a day. He didn’t go broke because he was using assembly lines to build a dozen cars in the same time it took other companies to build one. He worked his men, but they knew before long they could afford to buy one of those Model T cars. Ford cars were so cheap even farmers commenced buying ’em to drive to town.

Speaking of farmers, you don’t hear anyone wanting to bail out our farmers because they’re in debt and can’t compete with the Japanese. They’re three times as productive as the Japanese, and twice as productive as Europe.

Mr. Obama has promised to increase the number of new jobs, 3 million of them. What he ought to be promising is to increase productivity. Get this country producing things the world needs, efficiently, and the jobs will show up.

If he can get our Detroit automobile workers to catch up, why our productivity would take another jump. It ain’t the workers fault. If you’ve been building automobiles a certain way, and your father and grandfather before that, why you kinda get in a habit and hate to change. This arrangement worked all right as long as the union ran the whole industry, but when some of these foreign builders figured they could horn in on this American monopoly, by making ’em better with fewer men, it upset the apple cart.

Right here in Ohio, Honda builds cars by drawing on the same pool of workers that the Big 3 use. It’s the same way in Kentucky and Tennessee, American and foreign companies, one turning a profit, the other losing money.

Now we’ll cross our fingers and hope $17 Billion and a Car Czar can improve productivity at GM and Chrysler. Odds will be better if they name a Car Czar from Japan. If that doesn’t work out, Obama may have to aim for 4 million jobs.

Here’s another suggestion for our new President. You know how Congress insisted that big company leaders who ran their companies into debt should cut their own salaries. And they had to give up their company jets and fly commercial or drive. Well, I think President Obama would do wonders for the economy if he could apply the same standard to Congress.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

 

“Merry Christmas to you, President and Mrs. Coolidge. Only two more months, and then breakfast without a Senatorial committee. There ought to be time off for good behavior for a President… And a Merry Christmas to the Senate and the House. May the literacy test never be applied to your constituents.” DT #752, Dec. 24, 1928

 

“The bad part about the whole structure of paying [Senators and Congressmen] is that we name a sum and give them all the same, regardless of ability. No other business in the World has a fixed sum to pay all their employees that same salary… If some efficiency expert would work out a scheme where each one would be paid according to his ability, I think we would save a lot of money.” WA #119, March 22, 1925

“[Henry Ford] has got his own ideas on farming. He believes that a farmer ought to work part of his time on his farm and the other part in the factory. The farmer claims that when you get through working on the farm and asking your Congressman for relief, there ain’t no time to even visit a factory.” Radio broadcast, June 1, 1930

COLUMBUS: Chicago jumped back on the front page. In the old days Chicago was known mainly for its cows, chewing gum, Cubs and Capone.

More recently it was Oprah and Obama, with occasional intrusions by Ayers, Wright and Floeger. Now it’s the Illinois governor. It’s spelled B-l-a-g-o-j-e-v-i-c-h, but you pronounce it Bla-goy-a-vitch. He was trying to sell a Senate seat, but haggling over the price got him nabbed.

Now, this would not be the first time a Senate seat was bought; but never before was one bought directly from a Governor. Bidding reached a million dollars before the auction was halted.

Blagojevich was elected Governor in 2002, but instead of moving to Springfield, he kinda moved the capital to Chicago. He wanted to stay where he had his own “protection”. If he had instead spent all his time in Springfield, why there might have been enough of Lincoln rub off on him to set him straight. Now it looks like he’ll join George Ryan and Otto Kerner and other past governors, in Joliet.

If Illinois wants to return to civilization, here is my suggestion: secede from Chicago. Let Chicago join up with Wisconsin. Or even better, Michigan. Michigan already has one appendage west of the lake, why not another. Detroit and Chicago, the Twin Cities of Michigan, separated by 300 miles of pastoral innocence.

While Blagojevich was trying to fleece a few million for a Senate seat, Bernard Madoff was showing the world how to run a scam. Madoff made off with $50 Billion, which could have kept GM and Chrysler building cars for a couple more years. Madoff was running what’s called a Ponzi scheme. Meanwhile, Freddie and Fannie and Wall Street bankers lost more than a Trillion, but nobody has yet invented a name for that fraud.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Everybody is excited over who will win the election in Chicago. The side with the most machine guns will win it… The slogan in Chicago is: ‘Shoot ’em before they can vote.”

“You can kid about Chicago and its crooks, but they have the smartest way of handling their crooks of any city. They get the rival gangs to kill off each other and all the police have to do is just referee and count up the bodies. They won’t have a crook in Chicago unless he will agree to shoot at another crook.” DT #454, Jan. 9, 1928

“Just passed thru Chicago. It’s not a boast, it’s an achievement… The snow was so deep today the crooks could only hit a tall man. To try and diminish crime they laid off six hundred cops. Chicago has no tax money. All their influential men are engaged in tax-exempt occupations.” DT #1079, Jan. 9, 1930

“Folks, you are not going to get me coming out here [in Chicago] telling any jokes about these racketeers and gangsters. I arrived in this city intact, and I am going to try and leave likewise… It is all right to scatter good humor at the expense of the Senate, for they are harmless, but these boys carry a gun.” Radio broadcast, June 22, 1930

 

Tax relief plan picked up by Congressman

COLUMBUS: Every once in a while one of my ideas strikes a chord with Congress. Maybe not all 535 of ’em, but at least one Congressman.

See, back in October I suggested the government let everyone keep their income tax payment for December to stimulate the economy. Last week, a Congressman from East Texas, Louie Gohmert, picked up on my idea, except he wants to double it to two months and let you keep the Social Security payment also. Being too late for December, he proposes January and February.

Mr. Gohmert says the total would amount to $325 Billion, which is less than the $350 Billion Secretary Paulson is still trying to divvy up. So write your Senators and Congressman and get behind the Gohmert-Rogers Plan. Let the folks that pay the taxes do the dividing.

Any of you fellows that are too broke to buy her a Christmas present, you can make it up to her Valentines Day. Instead of chocolates and roses imported from Europe, get her a Chevy.

Mr. Paulson would still have $25 Billion to hand out, which is about what the car companies requested. Do they deserve it more than a big city mortgage banker? Well, ask this question: how many cars does Detroit sell on easy payments to folks who can’t afford the car unless the value goes up? The answer is very, very few. And it will stay that way unless Congress puts itself in charge of the Sales Department.

In more important news, the college football championship will come down to Oklahoma against Florida. There’s some folks in Texas and California that wish there was a better plan for a championship series, even in Pennsylvania, Utah and Idaho. But they’ll have to wait till next year, and maybe ask President Obama to bail out the big Bowls.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“You could transfer the Senate and Congress over to run the Standard Oil or General Motors and they would have both things bankrupt in two years.” WA #307, Nov. 11, 1928

“Automobile prosperity is based on what they call the ‘quick turnover.’ With all these cheap cars developing sixty and seventy miles an hour, and our improved roads and many sharp turns, you are going to see the greatest turnover in the automobile business this country ever witnessed. Undertaker shares will go higher than General Motors.” DT #505, March 9, 1928

 

U.S. Treasury shovels out Seven Trillion Dollars

COLUMBUS: Do you remember the old days when a Billion dollars seemed like a lot of money? We would read in the papers, “The President promises a billion dollars to Asia to deal with record floods.” Or “ABC company reported a billion dollar profit.”

Of course the “old days” was just a few months ago. Today, anything less than ten billion won’t even get a headline unless it’s a Hollywood alimony payment.

A week ago we were just learning how to count to a Trillion. You know, like in a higher math class: 700 billion plus 300 billion equals ______. Then while we were stripping the last meat off the Thanksgiving turkey, the Professor announced that Citibank wants us to bump that up to seven trillion. SEVEN TRILLION DOLLARS!

Just imagine if you won a lottery prize of $7 Trillion. Would your first reaction be, “I think I’ll buy a couple of banks. And if there’s any money left, I’m going to Disney World.”

No, you would probably think, “Let’s buy a country. Maybe Saudi Arabia. Or Russia. Seward bought Alaska from Russia; why not buy Russia.”

Now, Secretary Paulson and the big economists say these bailout dollars are loans, not gifts. But the question Mr. Paulson needs to answer is, How much does the country have left to loan out? And does that include the gold in Fort Knox?

There is some good news. Gasoline is down to $1.50 a gallon. The OPEC oil ministers held a meeting and announced no cut in production. They said, “We would prefer $75 a barrel, but $50 is better than no money at all.” They figure if they go broke, OPEC can become a bank and ask for a bailout.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

[President Roosevelt will talk on the radio about] some of these new schemes to spend this $5 billion. You know, you can’t spend $5 Billion in the old-fashioned way. I’ll bet you could put a strong man in the Treasury warehouse full of $l00 bills and give him a scoop shovel, and he couldn’t shovel out that much money in the rest of his life.

    We used to, we couldn’t spell a billion dollars, much less realize it and count it. But now we’re a nation, we learn awful fast, and we won’t be long now till we’ll be workin’ on the word Trillion; that follows billion, and then trillion. You’ll read in the papers, ‘Congress has just been asked to appropriate $2 Trillion to relieve the dependents of a race of people called Wall Streeters.’ The paper will go on to say, ‘This is a worthy cause, and no doubt this small appropriation will be made, as these are dependents of a once proud race, and after all, they’re wards of the government.'” Radio, April 28, 1935

“To be perfectly frank with you, there’s quite a few problems agitating the country that I don’t hardly know anything about. I would never make an Economist. An Economist is a man that can tell you what can happen under any given conditions. And his guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else’s.” Radio, May 26, 1935

 “I don’t know anymore about this thing than an economist does, and God knows, he don’t know anything.” Radio, April 7, 1935

Congress needs a chainsaw and a hammer

COLUMBUS: Our new president-elect continues to fill his administration. The reason he can act so quick on these appointments is he only asks one question: did you serve as an apprentice under President Clinton? Of course, many of these folks are young and have some new ideas. Mr. Obama has promised to add some diversity by also looking for a few old-timers who served under President Roosevelt.

Meanwhile, Congress and Secretary Paulson are digging up another Trillion to patch up the economy. If they want to fix this financial disaster Congress would do better with a chain saw and a hammer. Use the saw to cut off extraneous spending. Then line up everyone responsible for creating this mess, take the hammer and hit ’em right between the eyes. You may dent the hammer, but it’ll do more good than all the loans you’ll pass out in a year. If Congress is wielding the hammer properly, quite a few blows will be self-inflicted.

The Big Three automobile companies flew into Washington for a loan but went home empty handed. They arrived in their own private airplanes. GM came to Washington with seven of ’em, and Congress embarrassed them into sacrificing two planes. Brother, you know your reputation is rock bottom when you can be embarrassed by a Congressman. GM ditched the planes, but based on a 1955 agreement, they must keep paying the pilots and crew for life.

Those executives should have borrowed a Smartcar for the trip. Can’t you picture all three automotive CEOs scrunched together in one of those buggies, pedaling from Detroit to Washington.

Mr. Ford started a bank one time. If he wanted a government loan he should have kept the bank and quit automobiles.

American Express started calling itself a bank so it could get in on the gravy. Citibank was already a bank, but it loaned out more money than it had in the vault and has nothing left but empty buildings. They want the government to loan ’em enough so they don’t have to give up the name.

Maybe I’ll become a bank, too. How does this sound? The Will Rogers National Bank of Claremore. Mr. Paulson, please send your generous $5 Billion payment to me at Claremore, Oklahoma. Yes, I understand that the government now owns 49 percent of said bank. That’s ok, I think I can get by on 51 percent of $5 Billion.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(From a live radio broadcast from the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, with several Senators in the audience) “I always feel kinda funny when I come here to Washington and stand before you, because we are both in the same line of business. I have got to go some to compete with you guys with this humorous business. I want to compliment you. Generally people ask me, ‘Will, where do you get your jokes?’ I tell them I just watch the government and report the facts.

I don’t know what you are doing, and I know blamed well you don’t know what you are doing. But Mr. Roosevelt is so frank, he disarms you with his honesty. He has so many plans that he don’t know what he is doing, but he says, ‘If they don’t work, I am going to try something else.'” Radio, May 21, 1933

Obama’s appointees and Ford cars offer hope to America

#525 November 16, 2008

COLUMBUS: Mr. Obama jumped right to work, lining up his staff and Cabinet. So far, he’s leaning on President Clinton’s administration to provide most of the hired help, including Hillary. Barack checked with Bill first, “I just want to borrow her for 4 years. As Secretary of State she’ll fly all over the world; most of the time she’ll be out of the country .” Bill said, “Sounds good to me.”

He’s meeting with Senator McCain this week. Don’t expect John to be quite as generous as Bill.

I think our President-elect should talk with Governor Palin; maybe appoint her to a Board overseeing Freddie and Fannie. Did you see her doing a television interview while preparing a seven-course moose supper? Anyone who can do that could weed out corruption on Wall Street and at the same time make the oil companies and Republicans in Alaska toe the line.

General Motors, Chrysler and Ford told Congress they need a $50 Billion loan. Instead of voting to give ’em money, if everybody in Congress and all their staffs and all their political supporters would buy a new car or pickup truck from ’em they wouldn’t need a bailout. Not buying from ’em in the first place is what caused their predicament. You might say, “Their vehicles aren’t as good as the imports, that’s why we don’t drive ’em.” Well then, let ’em fail.

But I think at least one of those Big Three will pull through. See, all Mr. Ford has to do is put an electric motor in a Model T. He can sell ’em for $500 because they’re all alike and they’ll be built on an assembly line manned entirely by robots. Why, don’t be surprised if in a few years, they make up half the cars on the road. It’ll be good for the country, save time. If you forget where you parked your car, just take the nearest one.

AIG executives called Secretary Paulson from a luxury resort in Hawaii, asking for their weekly allowance of $10 Billion. They heard China has it’s own $500 Billion stimulus deal, so they intend to get in on that one, too.

I promised to tell you about Election Day in Oklahoma. The state went Republican and some are worried Washington will ignore them. But Obama’s election gives hope to the Oklahoma Indians. If an African American can be elected President, maybe a Native American will get a shot at it.

While I was in Claremore I met the famous artist, Charles Banks Wilson. He was born in 1918 and about the third grade he put down his crayons, picked up a pencil to sketch with, and never stopped drawing. If you removed all his paintings from the Oklahoma Capitol building, there would be nothing left but bare walls. He has quite a few hanging in a prominent Memorial building in Claremore, too.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A Ford car and a Democratic Convention has kept a lot of us comedians alive. (Henry Ford) is the first man to realize that every joke sold a car and every joke bought one… He has given more value for the least money. A Ford car and a marriage certificate is the two cheapest things there is. We no more than get either one than we want to trade them in for something better.” Radio, June 1, 1930

“We’ll hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.” Radio, October 18, 1931

Historic election may yield surprise winner

#524 November 9, 2008

COLUMBUS: Those of us lucky enough to live in America witnessed an election of historic proportions. As recently as two years ago, no one gave Senator Obama much chance to be nominated, let alone win the Presidency. And at the same time, Senator McCain was seldom mentioned among the Republican contestants.

Just like 1932, the loser Tuesday may have been the winner.

Among those cheering hordes of people in Chicago and at the White House Tuesday night were a fair number who were lining up early for their rebate checks. Well, once Mr. Obama meets with the Mr. Bush and is shown the true state of our overdrawn bank account, those 95 percent expecting a payment may be in for a long wait.

The change in Washington included an announcement by Robert Byrd, the 91-year old West Virginia Senator. He’s stepping down as Chairman of the Appropriations Committee, “A new day has dawned in Washington, and it’s time to make way for new, younger, leadership”. He will be replaced by Hawaii Senator Inouye, who is only 84. You may be thinking, after the bailout there won’t be any money left to appropriate. Well, don’t be surprised if Sen. Inouye digs up a few dollars for bridges to connect the various islands of Hawaii.

Next week I’ll tell you about spending Election Day in Oklahoma. Compared to the rest of you, it was a rare experience: the state voted Republican.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

[to the Republican candidate] “There was nothing personal in the vote against you. You just happened to be associated with a political party that the people had just lost their taste for… The people just wanted to buy something new, and they didn’t have any money to buy it with. But they could go out and vote free, and get something new for nothing. So cheer up. You don’t know how lucky you are.” DT #1955, Nov. 9, 1932

“If your side lost, don’t take it too much to heart. Remember there is always this difference between us and Italy. In Italy, Mussolini runs the country. But here the country runs the President.” DT #1954, Nov. 8, 1932

“As you read this our two Presidents will be as nervous over their meeting as a couple of debutantes. Well, we all hope some good comes from their meeting, and in fact we hope some money comes out of it, too.” DT #1965, Nov. 21, 1932

“In this country, people don’t vote for; they vote against.” Radio, June 9, 1935

“We are a funny people. We elect our Presidents, be they Republican or Democrat, then go home and start daring ’em to make good.” DT # 2700, April 1, 1935

 

Lord, don’t let it end in a tie

COLUMBUS: Federal Reserve dropped interest rate again. It’s 1 percent. Just imagine if we have another calamity and they have to drop it again. The ones with money might be paying the ones that need it to take it off their hands for a spell. They’ll say, “Here’s a million dollars, go on, take it. Spend it, invest it, save it, whatever. And next year about this time if you see fit to pay me back around $990,000, we’ll call it even.”

The Phillies beat the Rays in the World Series. First time in years a World Series game ended by 10 pm. Philadelphia school children got to stay up and celebrate with their grandparents.

Ohio is ready for this election to end. The Presidential candidates have spent so much time here, even with no rain lately the state is knee deep in mud. Everybody prays it’s not a tie. Their lawyers might be worse than the candidates.

An Ohio judge ruled this week that if you’re homeless, you had lost your house and everything and were living on a park bench, you could still vote. A week earlier another lawyer threw out the votes of 13 people who were here temporarily, organizing, and were all living in the same small house. So if there’s 13 of you and you want to vote in Ohio and you’re not supposed to… better live on a park bench than in a house. Does that seem fair? Makes no difference whether the address is Park Avenue or Park Bench, a vote is a vote.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Here’s another way of putting it. Roosevelt wants recovery to start at the bottom. In other words, by a system of high taxes, he wants business to help the little fellow to get started and get some work, and then pay business back by buying things when he’s at work. Business says, ‘Let everybody alone. Let business alone, and quit monkeying with us, and we’ll get everything going for you, and if we prosper, naturally the worker will prosper.” That’s exactly what business says, and they’re justified from their angle in saying that.

One wants recovery to start from the bottom, and the other wants it to start from the top. I don’t know which is right. I’ve never heard of anybody suggesting that they might start it in the middle, so I hereby make that suggestion. To start recovery halfway between the two, because it’s the middle class that does everything anyhow. But I don’t know anything about it…

I know things are going to get better in spite of both sides. Then when things do get better, then you’ll hear the yell that will go up. The Democrats will swear that recovery was due to them. Now the Republicans, they’ll say it was due to them. Nobody wanted to claim the credit for the country blowing up, but wait until it starts picking up and they’ll both be on it then. See?

I don’t think either one of them knows what it’s all about, to be honest with you. Both sides are doing nothing but just looking towards the next election.” Radio, June 9, 1935

(Will Rogers advice to the candidates, 1932 and 2008)

“There should be a moratorium called on candidates’ speeches. They have both called each other everything in the world they can think of. From now on they are just talking themselves out of votes.

The high office of President of the United States has degenerated into two ordinarily fine men being goaded on by their political leeches into saying things that if they were in their right minds they wouldn’t think of saying.

This country is a thousand times bigger than any two men in it, or any two parties in it. These big politicians are so serious about themselves and their parties.

This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation. If by some divine act of Providence we could get rid of both these parties and hired some good men, like any other big business does, why we would be sitting pretty.

This (economic) calamity was brought on by the actions of the people of the whole world and its weight will be lifted off by the actions of the people of the whole world and not by a Republican or a Democrat.

So, you two boys just get the weight of the world off your shoulders and go fishing. Instead of calling each other names till next Tuesday, why you can do everybody a big favor by going fishing and you will be surprised, but the old United States will keep right on running while you boys are sitting on the bank.

Then, come back next Wednesday and we will let you know which one is the lesser of the two evils of you.” DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932 (note the date)

Obama vs. McCain by the numbers

COLUMBUS: This election campaign is coming down to a clear division point between the candidates. Senator Obama says he is representing the 95% who expect to be on the receiving end of the excess wealth of the country, and Sen. McCain says he is looking out for the 5% expected to contribute it. With those kind of percentages it’s no surprise that Mr. Obama draws crowds of 100,000, and Mr. McCain averages 5000.

The financial mess on Wall Street reached Ohio last week. National City Bank of Cleveland failed. After it’s stock dropped from $24 to $2, it was salvaged by a Pittsburgh bank The bank president and a dozen of his henchmen claim they are each owed a 5 to10 Million dollar bonus, I suppose for their splendid financial foresight.

Saturday night I went to the Ohio State-Penn State football game. You might say that was another instance where an Ohio institution was taken over by one from Pennsylvania. Coach Joe Paterno is an institution himself. He’s been coaching there more than fifty years, inflicting pain and losses on teams across the country. Even his opponents will agree Joe Paterno is one presiding officer who would deserve a $10 Million parting bonus.

For those of you who read this column in your weekly newspaper, this will be the last column before the big election. “My” birthday is November 4, and I’ll be in Oklahoma Nov. 1-5 for the celebration.

This is rare, to have a Presidential election land on my birthday. Since being born on election day in1879 (an off-year), in a log house near Oologah, Indian Territory, the only Presidential elections on November 4 have been in 1884, 1924, 1952 and 1980. And in case you’re wondering, the next ones will be 2036 and 2092. That’s a long time to wait between ’em, but the way the candidates are going at each other, you might prefer spacing them out.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We know that everybody should ‘share the wealth.’ Now, Huey’s [Sen. Huey Long] plan to “share the wealth,” it’s a marvelous idea. Huey’s a smart guy, don’t overlook that. And our own downright conscience tells us that there’s no reason why anybody should have more than you. There ain’t nothing wrong with the plan, only this one little defect: Nobody ain’t going to share it with you, that’s all. I know a lot of tremendously rich people that should share their wealth with me, but they just don’t see it that way. And I know folks that ain’t got as much as I have that think I ought to share it with them. Well, I just can’t hardly see it their way either. That is, even if I can see it that way, I’m not doing it.” Radio, April 21, 1935

(On his radio show Will described a lunch he had in the Capitol with 5 Senators, both Republican and Democrat, and concluded with this…) “We had a great lunch. (Senator) Capper paid for it. The Republican pays, as usual. And everything that the Democrats are doin’ now, the Republicans pay for it. Everybody asks me, “Will, how long is this going to go on, spending all this money and everything going like this?” I says, “Well, it will go on just as long as the Republicans has got any money. That’s all I know about it.” Radio, March 31, 1935

“I guess this stock market drop is due to the fact that Rockefeller and all those big men who stabilized it a couple of weeks ago have about reached the limit of their margins. What the market needs now is another bunch of men that will stabilize it during its next 100-point drop.” DT #1030, Nov. 13, 1929

“Say, this new home building idea of (President) Hoover’s sounds good. They are working out a lot of beneficial things. The only thing is it took ’em so long (2 years) to think of any of ’em. We ought to have plans in case of depression, just like we do in case of fire, ‘Walk, don’t run, to the nearest exit.'” DT #1659, Nov. 16, 1931

“You know the more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that’s out always looks the best. My only solution would be to keep ’em both out one term and hire my good friend Henry Ford to run the whole thing, and give him a commission on what he saves us.” WA #3, December 31, 1922

“So it’s going to be mighty hard next Wednesday after it’s over to tell which one to congratulate. If this depression stays with us, the loser Tuesday is going to be the winner.” DT #1951, Nov. 4, 1932