Author: Randall Reeder

Comments from readers:

“One of your very best! Your original contributions exceeded WR ‘s stuff this time.”  Allan  S.
“Excellent!”  Cara
“Great article and ideas” Bruce L.

Needed: Fewer politicians, more engineers and accountants

COLUMBUS: Let’s see. The $700 Billion bailout was passed to “stabilize the economy”. Since it was first proposed, the economy has stabilized all right, about $7 Trillion below what it was at the time.

Gasoline is $2.80. It may go down to a dollar a gallon, but we won’t have a dollar to buy it with.

The Treasury Secretary put an engineer in charge of the $700 Billion program. He figured the economists let us get into this mess, may as well appoint an engineer to clean it up. You know, this $700 Billion is to be “invested”, and a few years down the road we’re supposed to get it back, except a few Billion thrown in the pork barrel for rum, wool, fish and a horde of other items no honorable Congressman would have dared attach to a smaller bill. So you can expect the first announcement from this engineer to be, “Nobody gets any pork from this bill until the $700 Billion investment is paid back in full.”

This financial mess was caused by banks being forced to give mortgages to people with no chance of paying it back. And who did the forcing? Mainly Democrats in Congress. You might ask, why are you blaming the Democrats? Well, can you imagine a conservative Republican ever demanding that banks make such loans? Regardless of party, what we need in Congress is fewer politicians and more accountants.

If Congress insists on a stimulus package for individuals, I propose this one: Whatever federal income tax you owe in December you get to keep. With this provis 50% of it must be put into a regular bank account or used to pay off your debts; 25% spent on Christmas presents made in America; and 25% donated to the Salvation Army or local charity to help the poor. That way, your bank gets some cash to loan out, the poor get to eat, and your family enjoys a holiday.

In the final debate this week, I want Bob Scheiffer to ask one question of the candidates. They have been asked it before, but promptly ignored it. “How will this financial mess we’re in change your plans as President?” Bob remembers the Depression and how long it lasted, and he may make ’em wrestle with this question and how they’ll deal with it, for the entire 90 minutes if necessary. Where’s Ross Perot when we need him?

On Wednesday I donated blood at the Red Cross. While I was laying there with a needle in one arm, on the television they were talking about AIG needing another $40 Billion, presumably for a few more executive retreats at a half million each. I suggested to the nice nurse collecting my blood that if we can’t send ’em to jail, at least they ought to be tied down and take out some of their blood. She snapped back at me,”But nobody would want it.”

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“When Wall Street took that tail spin, you had to stand in line to get a window to jump out of, and speculators were selling space for bodies in the East River… You know there is nothing that hollers as quick and as loud as a gambler.” DT#1013, Oct. 24, 1929

“Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see that it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war or famine, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.” DT #1019, Oct. 31, 1929

“Our whole Depression was brought on by gambling, not in the stock market alone but in expanding and borrowing and going in debt, all just to make some money quick.” Radio, May 5, 1935

“Candidates have been telling you that if elected they would ‘pull you from this bog hole of financial misery.’ Now is a good chance to get even with ’em, by electing ’em, just to prove what a liar they are.” DT #1334, Nov.2, 1930

“If you got a dollar, soak it away, put it in a savings bank, bury it, do anything but spend it. Spending when we didn’t have it put us where we are today. Saving when we’ve got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.” DT #1353, Nov. 24, 1930

“While the Republicans are smart enough to make money, the Democrats are smart enough to get in office two or three times a century and take it away from them… Now the Republicans admit that they’re rich and that they’re the smarter ones and can make money faster, so it’s a good thing the old Democrats come along and level ’em off every once in a while. If they are so smart, why let ’em go out and make some more because they’re going to have to pretty soon.” Radio, June 24, 1932

“The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.” WA #63, 1924

“We’ll hold the distinction of being the only nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.” Radio, Oct 18, 1931

“Ain’t it funny how many hundreds of thousands of soldiers we can recruit with nerve, but we just can’t find one politician in a million with backbone.” DT #800, Feb. 18, 1929

Restoring Confidence costs $700 Billion and a bottle of Rum

COLUMBUS: The big news last Friday came out of Washington. The Senate and the House passed a huge bill, the biggest in American history. And here’s what the bill does. It subsidizes Puerto Rican rum, Somoan fishermen, wooden arrows, sheep’s wool and bicycles.

Now, if I had known Congress was so concerned about sheep and bicycles, I might have requested a few million for cattle and horses. With the high price of corn and oats and hay to feed ’em, our ranchers could use the extra loot. I’m confident I could have got it, too, if I had arranged to send each Senator and Congressman a few cases of Puerto Rican rum. That’s what appeared to put the whole thing over, was rum. On Monday they were against the bill, but by Friday they had drunk enough Puerto Rican rum to vote in favor of it.

Of course they don’t call it the “Rum, Wool and Bicycle Bailout Bill”. No, it’s a “Rescue Bill”. It’s funded with $700 Billion from the Taxpayers (hereafter known as the “Rescuers”) which will be turned over to Wall Street and the Bankers (hereafter known as the “Rescuees”). In return for rescuing the Rescuees, the Rescuers have been assured that the Rescuees will do all in their power to Restore Confidence.

As I was watching the debate between the Vice-Presidential candidates I was reminded that Sarah Palin got her big boost in politics because she was appointed to the Alaska Oil Commission and cleaned up the corruption. That’s what got her elected Governor later on. It got me thinking, if some President a few years ago had been smart enough to appoint Sarah Palin, or someone like her, to the Board of Fannie Mae and Freddie, we could’ve saved the country $700 Billion. Except of course for the portion set aside for rum, wool, arrows, fish and bicycles.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on restoring confidence)

“America already holds the record for freak movements. Now we have a new one. It’s called “Restoring Confidence.” Rich men who never had a mission in life outside of watching a stock ticker are working day and night “restoring confidence.” Writers are working night shifts, speakers’ tables are littered up, ministers are preaching statistics, all on “restoring confidence.”

Now I am not unpatriotic, and I want to do my bit, so I hereby offer my services to my President, my country and my friends to do anything (outside of serving on a commission) that I can in this great movement. But you will have to give me some idea of where “confidence” is. And just who you want it restored to.” DT #1035, Nov. 19, 1929

“I have been trying my best to help (the President) and Wall Street “Restore Confidence.” Confidence, is one of the hardest things in the World to get restored once it gets out of bounds. I have helped restore a lot of things in my time, such as cattle back to the home range. Helped to revive interest in National Political Conventions. Even assisted the Democrats in every forlorn pilgrimage, and a host of other worthy charities. But I tell you this “Restoring Confidence” is the toughest drive I ever assisted in. When I took up the work two or three weeks ago, confidence was at a mighty low ebb. Wall Street had gone into one tail spin after another…

I am telling (folks) that the Country as a whole is “Sound,” and that all those who’s heads are solid are bound to get back into the market again. I tell ’em that this Country is bigger than Wall Street, and if they don’t believe it, I show ’em the map.” WA #362, Dec.1, 1929

Congress, Bankers and Wall Street, Part 2

COLUMBUS: Congress and Wall Street are still arguing over $700,000,000,000. They can’t agree on what to call it. Is it a loan, or a purchase, or an insurance policy? To a number of taxpayers it looks like a ripoff.

All week I’ve been watching those birds as they hustle hither and yon, often in the hallway outside the House chamber. Once in a while on the TV news shows I see in the background the statue of a man standing there with his hand in his pocket (his own pocket) looking down on them with a knowing grin. Well, I think this whole situation could come to quick resolution if a couple of pages of quotes of this prominent Oklahoman were Scotch taped to the base of that statue, and everyone who walked past was persuaded to stop and read ’em. Not just read, but subscribe to ’em. (See below, and last week)

In other news, October 1 is the one hundredth birthday of the Model T Ford. By the 1920s, my friend Henry Ford accounted for half of all the cars on our roads and in our ditches, every one a Model T, and every one of them black. Speaking as one of many humorists of that era, no other single thing contributed as much to a comedian’s career as did the Model T, with the possible exception of bankers, Wall Streeters and lawyers.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“It looks like the financial giants of the world have bungled as much as the diplomats and politicians. This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.” DT #1611, Sept. 21, 1931

“Borrowing money on what’s called ‘easy terms,’ is a one-way ticket to the Poor House. If you think it ain’t a Sucker Game, why is your Banker the richest man in your Town? Why is your Bank the biggest and finest building in your Town? Instead of passing Bills to make borrowing easy, if Congress had passed a Bill that no Person could borrow a cent of Money from any other person, they would have gone down in History as committing the greatest bit of Legislation in the World.” WA #14, March 18, 1923

“Why don’t somebody print the truth about our present economic situation? We spent six years of wild buying on credit — everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not — and now we are having to pay for ’em, and we are howling like a pet coon.

This would be a great world to dance in if we didn’t have to pay the fiddler.” DT #1224, June 27, 1930

“Prosperity this Winter is going to be enjoyed by everybody that is fortunate enough to get into the poor farm.” DT #1031, Nov. 14, 1929

(On spending money) “We have been just going like a house afire, and we couldent see any reason why we shouldent keep right on burning. Our tastes were acquired on credit, and we wanted to keep on enjoying ’em on credit.

It wasent what we needed then that was hurting us, it was what we was paying for that we had already used up. The country was just buying gasoline for a leaky tank. Everything was going into a gopher hole and you couldent see where you was going to get any of it back.

You see in the old days there was mighty few things bought on credit. Your taste had to be in harmony with your income, for it had never been any other way. I think buying autos on credit has driven more folks to (rob banks) as a regular means of livelihood than any other contributing cause… I don’t reckon there has ever been a time in American homes when there was as much junk in ’em as there is today. Even our own old shack has got more junk in it that has never been used, or looked at than a storage place. Most everybody has got more than they used to have, but they havent got as much as they thought they ought to have. So it’s all a disappointment more than a catastrophe. If we could just call back the last two or three years and do our buying a little more carefully why we would be O.K.” WA #419, January 4, 1931

“Politics are receiving a lot of attention because we have nothing else to interest us. No nation in the history of the world was ever sitting as pretty. If we want anything, all we have to do is go and buy it on credit. So that leaves us without any economic problem whatever, except perhaps some day to have to pay for them. But we are certainly not thinking about that this early.” DT #660, Sept. 6, 1928

“See where Congress passed a two Billion dollar bill to relieve bankers’ mistakes. You can always count on us helping those who have lost part of their fortune, but our whole history records nary a case where the loan was for the man who had absolutely nothing.” DT #1715, Jan. 22, 1932

Bankers and Wall Street same as eighty years ago

COLUMBUS: This week Treasury Secretary, Mr. Paulson, pulled off an early Halloween Trick or Treat. Without even the benefit of a mask or a bed sheet with holes for the eyes and mouth, he knocked on our door and demanded Seven Hundred Billion Dollars. Or else.

He said he was acting on orders from Wall Street, the big bankers and insurance companies. He says it’s not as bad as it might first appear; it’s a loan.

What’s the collateral, you ask. Mortgages, he answers.

Why don’t the bankers just collect on the mortgages to get their $700 Billion? Because these particular mortgages are pretty much worthless, bought by poor sops with no foreseeable means of ever making the payments.

Why did the bankers loan money to these poverty stricken souls? Because the bankers and brokers got paid their commissions and bonuses for what money they handed out, not for what they collected.

Well, you can have the money on one condition: For all those birds responsible for creating and perpetuating this mess, we, the taxpayers, get to set the length of the prison terms.

In 1929, Mr. Andrew Mellon was the Treasury Secretary for President Hoover, but he didn’t have nerve to ask for $700 Billion. Even if he had, I don’t know that it would have put off the Great Depression. And we don’t have any way of knowing if in 2008 it will put off Great Depression II.

We owe a Trillion Dollars on credit card debt, we’re sending $700 Billion a year overseas for oil, so perhaps sending an equal amount to New York don’t seem like such a hopeless deal.

It sure caught our Presidential candidates by surprise. They are working on a joint statement to be released just before the Friday night debate that will read: “Since Sec. Paulson is spending in one week all the money we intended to spend over the next four years for new and wonderful programs, we propose to suspend the campaign and postpone the election until November 2012.”

Since we haven’t learned anything in eighty years, I’ll let the authentic Will Rogers take it from here:

Will Rogers on Banking and Wall Street:

“I guess there is no two races of people in worse repute with everybody than the international bankers, and the folks that put all those pins in new shirts.” Aug. 26, 1932

“The bankers just got a good cussing by everybody for loaning too much money. Well, they got some awful nice buildings. So when a banker fails, he fails in splendor.” DT #2345, Feb. 7, 1934

“If a bank fails in China, they behead the men at the top of it that was responsible…If we beheaded all of ours that were responsible for bank failures, we wouldn’t have enough people left to bury the heads.” Feb. 6, 1927

“You can’t break a man that don’t borrow; he may not have anything, but Boy! he can look the World in the face and say, “I don’t owe you Birds a nickel.” You will say, (if everyone stops borrowing) what will all the Bankers do? I don’t care what they do. Let ’em go to work, if there is any job any of them could earn a living at. Banking and After-Dinner Speaking are two of the most Non-essential industries we have in this country. I am ready to reform if they are.” WA #14, March 18, 1923

[In a speech to the American Bankers Association convention in New York City] “You have a wonderful organization. I understand you have ten thousand here. And if you count the ones in the various federal prisons, it brings your total membership up to around thirty thousand.” 1923

“Bankers are likeable rascals. Now that we are all wise to ’em, it’s been shown that they don’t know any more about finances than the rest of us know about our businesses, which has proved to be nothing.” DT #1924, Oct. 4, 1932

“But we can’t alibi all our ills by just knocking the old banker. First he loaned the money, then the people all at once wanted it back, and he didn’t have it. Now he’s got it again, and is afraid to loan it, so the poor devil don’t know what to do.” DT #1833, June 8, 1932

“We never will have any prosperity that is free from speculation till we pass a law that every time a broker or person sells something, he has got to have it sitting there in a bucket, or a bag, or a jug, or a cage, or a rat trap, or something, depending on what it is he is selling. We are continually buying something that we never get from a man that never had it.” DT #1301, Sept. 24, 1930

“Just been talking today out here to all the Senators investigating these stock swindles and overcapitalizations. There has been hundreds of millions lost. There ought to be some form of guardianship for people that buy all this junk. Education won’t do it. (The buyers are) the ones we have educated up till they are just smart enough to fall for everything that comes along.” DT #2270, Nov. 12, 1933

“The whole financial structure of Wall Street seems to have fallen on the mere fact that the Federal Reserve Bank raised the amount of interest from 5 to 6 per cent. Any business that can’t survive a 1 per cent raise must be skating on mighty thin ice… But let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help get them back in bed again.” DT #950, Aug. 12, 1929

“It’s no laughing matter being a Republican in these perilous times. Anyone can be a Republican when the stock market is up, but when stocks are selling for no more than they’re worth, I tell you, being a Republican – it’s a sacrifice.” Oct. 14, 1934

“I am not against (bull fighting). Every nation has their own affairs and own sports. Some nations like to see blood, and some like to see their victims suffer from speculation. It’s all in your point of view. They kill the bull very quick. Wall Street lets you live and suffer.” DT #1646, Nov. 1, 1931

Will comments on Wind, Bankers and Republicans

COLUMBUS: I just returned to Columbus from Missouri. I was in Green City Saturday night where the Northeast Missouri Rural Telephone Co-op put on a dinner for a thousand customer/owners and their families. Their motto is “Owned by those we serve.” I told them that’s a better slogan than the one used by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which is (or should be) “Owed by those we serve.”

I told you last week those two are owed $5 Trillion in mortgage payments. Their stock dropped from about $60 to less than a dollar, and this week their CEOs each said that in consideration of their lengthy and valuable service steering these now-bankrupt institutions we should give them a $10 Million bonus. Well, I have another suggestion, but I’ll leave the final choice up to you. Should we give each of those polecats ten million dollars? Or ten years?

Ten of our biggest financial institutions got together Sunday and announced a plan whereby each one contributes $7 Billion to an emergency fund. They can each draw from it if they get in trouble. Of course, it’s too late for Lehman Brothers Bank because they can’t afford the entry fee; probably have a rough time rounding up even $7000.

Now get this… once a bank puts up it’s Seven Billion, if it ever finds itself bordering on bankruptcy it is eligible to draw out a third of the total money in the fund. So now, once all the checks clear, the race will be to see who can fail first. Because after the first three failures take out a third each, the others seven will be left holding an empty bag.

I flew back from Kansas City on Southwest. About half the plane was filled with electric company crews who had competed there in the International Lineman’s Rodeo. We had so much tailwind from Hurricane Ike that once the pilot got up to about 30,000 feet he just turned off the engines and glided. Good thing these men got home because those 75 mile an hour winds knocked over so many trees and power lines it’ll take a week for ’em to get the lights on for everybody. This wind gives us Midwesterners just a hint of what Texans are going through.

Last week I promised to fill you in on our Republican candidates. John McCain says he’ll shut down the lobbyists and eliminate earmarked funds going to each state. Sarah Palin supports him 98 percent on the plan. In other words, eliminate pork barrel spending for the other 49 states, but leave Alaska alone. They kinda figure, since they send us so much oil we won’t object to sending a few million back up there. After all, they don’t have many people, and moose don’t pay taxes, even if you threaten to shoot ’em.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“When you see all the bankers in one huddle, and then you go over and get in an opposition huddle by yourself, you can’t be all wrong. If they’re all going one way, there is something wrong with it.” Radio broadcast, May 26, 1935

“Banking and After Dinner Speaking are two of the most non-essential industries we have in this country. I am ready to reform if they are.” WA #14, March 18, 1923

“It’s a great country, is Alaska, where you have to live off the country, hunt, trap, kill and live. Four mails a year into that place, two and a half months when it’s not frozen in.” WA #665, Sept. 15, 1935 (written about August 13)

“Small towns was where all our best thinkers come from.” American Magazine, December 1929

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.” WA #595, May 20, 1934

“Putting a lobbyist out of business is like a hired man trying to fire his boss.” DT #2704, April 5, 1935

“The President only tells Congress what they should do. Lobbyists tell ’em what they will do.” Notes, October 20, 1929

Conventions Over: Parties Hike Legs, Mark Territories

COLUMBUS: The conventions are over and the path to November 4 is clear. Republicans are going after the Western vote, women and the small town vote. Democrats zeroed in on the East, African-Americans and big city voters. Republicans will concede Hawaii to Obama, but will make him fight for Kansas. Democrats will let McCain have Arizona and Alaska, but they’ll battle for New Mexico and Colorado.

This week I’ll work on the Democrats, and next week see what I can dig up on the Republicans. Senator Obama is mainly associated with Chicago. He seldom mentions his time at Columbia and Harvard Universities; I guess like others of his standing, he’s trying to live that down.

In Chicago in the 1920s and ’30s, Prohibition was a dominant factor, and Al Capone was the headliner. You might say Al Capone was the original “community organizer.” He set the standard for all community organizers to follow, and up to now no one has even come close. Al’s gang had Chicago so well organized he expanded to take in most of Miami, Philadelphia, New York and Los Angeles. How’s that for a political base. But he eventually was jailed, not for murder or selling moonshine, but because he neglected to pay income taxes on his ill-gotten loot.

Senator Biden’s state of Delaware is a fine little agricultural state that is home to DuPont and all those other big corporations looking for lower taxes. Delaware is required by law to support two Senators, the same our bigger states. Under the circumstances, they would not object to giving up one they have nurtured for over thirty years, for the good of the country.

While you were enjoying the football games this weekend as a pleasant diversion from politics (assuming your team won), your government saddled you with more mortgage debt than you could imagine. Even if you have been conservative and only bought as much house as you could pay for, today you also are the unsuspecting owner of your share of Five Trillion Dollars in IOUs. Not Million or Billion, but Trillion. So thanks to the ineptitude of the financiers who ran Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae into the ground, you may own the house you’re living in, plus a share of 5 or 6 others. This kinda puts you in the same category as John and Cindy McCain although it don’t feel like it.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, here we are folks, out in the old city of Chicago… We are barricaded here in the Wrigley Building. The Bugs Moran Gang are holding down the east side of Michigan Boulevard and the Capones are entrenched on the other side…Of course, they do have these gangs here, and they do kill each other. Well, that is their privilege. In the old days, no one would have gone to any trouble if the Dalton Brothers started to shoot the James Boys, would they? This is really, all kidding aside, one of the greatest cities in the world…
You are not going to get me coming out here telling any jokes about these racketeers and gangsters. I arrived in this city intact, and I am going to try and leave likewise. They are a fine bunch of boys, and they are just trying to distribute good cheer among everybody. In fact, I am a kind of racketeer myself. I have been accused of having a racket, and I have come to see what their graft is here, and if theirs is any better than mine. If it is, I may join them. So before the week is over you are liable to see it: Capone & Rogers, Incorporated.
It is all right to scatter good humor at the expense of the Senate, for they are harmless. But these boys carry a gun.” Radio broadcast, June 22, 1930

“Everybody you talk to would rather hear about Al Capone than anybody you ever met. What’s the matter with an age when our biggest gangster is our greatest national interest.” DT #1757, March 11, 1932

“Coleman Du Pont, United States Senator from Delaware, has lost use of his vocal cords. Now I feel sincerely sorry for his personal discomfiture, but if his ailment could be made contagions and he distribute it among his brother members of the Senate, his illness would prove to be a tremendous national blessing.” DT #396, October 28, 1927

“When a party can’t think of anything else they always fall back on Lower Taxes. It has a magic sound to a voter, just like Fairyland is spoken of and dreamed of by all children. But no child has ever seen it; neither has any voter ever lived to see the day when his taxes were lowered. Presidents have been promising lower taxes since Washington crossed the Delaware by hand in a row boat. But our taxes have gotten bigger and their boats have gotten larger until now the President crosses the Delaware in his private yacht.” WA #97, October 19, 1924

Hurrican Gustav Blows Past Hot Air from Dems and GOP

COLUMBUS: Just as the Republicans were ready to blow into St. Paul at the upper end of the Mississippi, Hurricane Gustav decided to “gust” into New Orleans at the other end. (As I’m sending this out Monday morning, the Cat 2 hurricane has reached Louisiana and Mississippi.)

I suggest that both parties call a moratorium on politics until we see the full effects of Gus. Then I further propose that no matter what happens, neither party try to use the hurricane to political advantage. These hurricanes never bother to ask your politics before knocking down your house.

The Democrats finished their convention in Denver, with 85,000 gathered at a football stadium to listen to their nominee. It was a good speech. Mr. Obama rattled of a list of worthy causes, dozens of ’em, that have a hefty price tag attached. Free health care for everyone, free college education for the needy, more and better teachers, money to build up the military, billions for renewable energy and nuclear power. Then he announced he would reduce taxes on 95 percent of Americans. That got wild applause and delegates were dancing in the aisles.

But then I got to feeling sorry for the other 5 percent and missed the rest of the talk. Could I be unfortunate enough to be trapped in that top 5 percent? Regardless, I did some investigating, and found that those folks already pay more than half of all income taxes, so asking them to raise it to three-fourths may not totally destroy their bank accounts or ambition.

Mr. Obama did not mention the top 1 percent, but I’ve got a clue what’s coming for them. Next April they’ll each get a personal phone call from President Obama.

“How much did you make?”

“Mr. President, counting stock sales, a salary bonus, and a small inheritance my wife received, it added up to 2.3 million dollars.”

“That’s wonderful. Send it in.”

Then the President will add, “As a token of appreciation, we’ll send a nice card to your offspring informing them you are now destitute and will be living off them for a while.”

Most of the excitement centered on the Vice-Presidential picks. Senator Joe Biden of Delaware was named by Obama. He’s a fine man, experienced in foreign affairs. He ran for President, got 9000 votes in Iowa and dropped out, causing Senator Clinton to ponder on why she wasted six more months gathering 18 million votes, with nothing to show for it.

Then Mr. McCain reached all the way to Alaska and named Governor Sarah Palin as his V-P. She fits his maverick style, had been mayor of a small town, and it seemed that McCain selected her to appeal to women voters who are good mothers, have competed in beauty pageants and love to hunt moose. That’ll bring in a lot of men voters, too.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Democrats never agree on anything…, that’s why they’re Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they’d be Republicans.” Saturday Evening Post, May 1, 1926

“This Alaska is a great country. If they can just keep from being taken over by the U. S. they got a great future. There may be some doubt about the Louisiana Purchase being a mistake, but when Seward in ’68 bought Alaska for $7,000,000 he even made up for what we had overpaid the Indians for Manhattan Island.” DT#2815, August 13, 1935

Michael Phelps gets Gold; Russia settles for Land

COLUMBUS: Russian diplomats announced in the newspapers they will start pulling out of Georgia on Monday. And they promise to finish pulling out by Friday, August 22. Of course that’s August 2038.

Our newspapers would save a lot of front page space if they only report on what Russia does, not what they say. Their diplomats say “Retreat”, their Generals say “Charge”, and their tanks listen only to the Generals.

I’ve heard a lot of blather on what we should do to Russia. No one has suggested that Germany and Poland get together and bomb Moscow. So that might work.

Europe makes fun of us for complaining about gasoline costing $4 a gallon. Well, if Europe would just tell Russia, “We don’t want your oil and gas”, now that would do it for sure. All of Europe is on vacation this month, so let everyone stay put, don’t drive, don’t fly. Russia would buckle first, because Putin can’t do without oil dough near as long as a European can go without working.

Tension is building for Democrats and Republicans. Both Senator Obama and Senator McCain are getting around to naming a Vice-President. They feel compelled to pick one, although the country would prefer to go without.

Obama plans to use the most up-to-date technology and send out his announcement by text message to 50 million supporters. McCain says he’ll use his latest technology and send telegrams.

But it won’t matter how these candidates intend to announce their V-P, some news hound will dig up a clue and put it out first. Don’t be surprised if it’s the National Enquirer.

Over in China, Michael Phelps cleaned up with 8 Gold medals in swimming. It’s a great accomplishment, never been done before, but is it 8 times greater than our basketball team maybe getting 1? Suppose basketball was divided up like swimming. You’d have 4 on 4 basketball, 3 on 3, 2 on 2; even HORSE. Maybe play one day on a short court, and the next day on a long one. Add a basketball relay for dribbling and another for dunking. Then LeBron and Kobe would have an equal chance with Michael.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“If I wanted to start an insane asylum that would be 100 percent cuckoo, I would just admit applicants that thought they knew something about Russia.” DT #1291, Sept. 14, 1930

“Russia is a country that looks like it was invented for arguments’ sake.” Notes, undated

“The whole (Republican Convention) has degenerated into nothing but a dog fight for Vice President…. Men who two days ago wouldn’t even speak to a Vice-President, are now trying to get to be one. They have weeded the Vice-Presidential candidates down now to just the following: ninety-six Senators, 435 Congressmen and forty-eight Governors.” June 13, 1928

“(The Democrats) will try to straddle (Prohibition) the same way the Republicans did…. Anything that is done will have an awful good chance of having some comedy attached.
For there is only THREE other things to do, and here they are: Nominate with Al Smith a dry Vice-President. Well there is a surefire laugh, for you then have an animal with a WET head and a DRY tail. Now you may salve the drys with a dry Vice-President. But up to now no one has ever paid enough attention to one to know if he is pickled or petrified.
The next thing they can do is nominate for Vice-President a man that no one knows whether he is wet or dry. In other words, a man that has remained of so little interest to the country that no one has ever taken the trouble to find out.
The third plan, is to nominate anybody, either wet or dry, as Vice-President and then put in the platform a strictly dry plank. That brings more laughs. Smith, running on a dry platform. That’s like turning a whale loose in Death Valley.” June 25, 1928

Olympics news competing with War and Sex Scandals

COLUMBUS: The Olympics started over in China, on 08-08-08. That date is supposed to be good luck in China, and it was until 08-09-08. Then the Chinese basketball team got drilled by the American team.

With the whole world focused on the Olympics, Russia decided that was a good day to attack the Republic of Georgia. Those two are about to go to War over a place called South Ossetia. All together now, raise your hand if you never heard of South Ossetia. How many didn’t know Georgia was a republic? President Bush can’t do much about this situation, but he did call Putin to condemn the bombing, “We support Georgia, and we want you to stay out of there. And if you take one step into Alabama, we’ll come and get you.”

The price of oil has been going down. Not far enough, but still, it’s better than going up. Have you noticed, nobody is jumping on the oil speculators lately. I flew out to Tulsa on Wednesday, and the big news in the Tulsa World was about a prominent local company you probably never heard of, SEM Group. They’re bankrupt because they lost $2.4 Billion in the past year speculating on oil. So this speculation isn’t all milk and honey.

We lost another bank last week for making bad loans. This whole mortgage mess came from people speculating that house prices would only go one way. And it was caused by giving a mortgage to people with no way to pay it back. But there is one little change that could’ve prevented the entire calamity: instead of paying bankers huge salaries for making loans, only pay ’em on what they collect.

John Edwards got back in the news. For years he’s been saying we have Two Americas. Friday he admitted he has Two Women. So they took away his spot on the program at the Democratic Convention. But he was offered a new role behind the scenes: Chief Babysitter. Senator Obama has kinda hinted he would like President Clinton to assist him.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on the 1932 Olympics in Los Angeles)

“Today (Americans) are looking for the ladies’ milliner that put those French “berets” on our American boys (for the opening ceremony). Those “boudwoir caps” are bad enough on a Frenchman, but on an American athlete they are a scream.” DT #1868, July 31, 1932

“It’s awful hard to get your mind on such insignificant things as Republican or Democratic candidates with 1,500 picked athletes of the world breaking records under your nose. If an athlete wins an event and don’t break a world’s record we hiss him out of the arena.” DT #1871, August 3, 1932

“In the bicycle events out here in the Olympics, our riders couldn’t get there in time to change a tire for the foreigners. Too many Fords parked outside our school houses for our young folks to even know how to ride a bike.” DT #1872, August 4, 1932

Hot weather makes Congress and Wall Street plumb nutty

COLUMBUS: This summer heat is wreaking havoc on Wall Street and Washington. They’re nice folks at heart, but they are just plumb nutty.

All these big companies turned in their quarterly reports. Wachovia lost $10 Billion, and, boy, did that affect their stock price! It immediately went up 20 percent.

Then Exxon-Mobil announced a $12 Billion profit, and their stock price dropped. It’s down 10 percent since January.

Next, General Motors admitted they lost $18 Billion. I haven’t heard, did their stock jump more than Wachovia’s?

Congress gets nuttier every day. You folks know that three-fourths of the country is complaining about paying $4 a gallon for gas. (Of course the other fourth don’t own a car.) But last week Congress, now get this, Congress voted that, given a choice, we should pay more than $10 a gallon rather than drill for oil along our coasts.

Then as soon as they voted, they adjourned and flew home for a long summer vacation. Well, I’ve got a solution to this mess they got us into. For those who voted in favor of $10 gas, make ’em drive home paying $10 a gallon. And force all their staff and close supporters to pay the same $10 during this 5-week holiday. Then make ’em drive back to Washington. Of course, if everyone was paying $10 a gallon they would have an easy road trip: no traffic to slow ’em down, unless you count pedestrians and bicyclists, and a few of us on horseback.

At the other end of the Capitol, 10 Senators got together and announced they would let ’em drill off the coasts of their states. It sounded like a good plan, but it was the wrong states. Sure, Louisiana and Georgia and South Carolina are among the 10, and that’s fine. We applaud their generosity. But for those other Senators, how much oil can we expect from “offshore drilling” in Tennessee, Nebraska and North Dakota? Now global warming may be serious business, but even Al Gore hasn’t predicted the Atlantic Ocean will approach Fargo.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers’ last radio broadcast:

“A man that talks on the radio to an audience in warm weather kind of affects his mind and the audience’s, too. Heat and reason don’t go together, anyhow. I’m just warning you what you’re going to get this summer. There’s going to be a lot of spouting from the radio and from the speakers’ platforms all this summer. There’ll be more perspiration than common sense flowing, and the whole political thing has come now to a pretty direct division point. I mean there’s been a direct split in the parties.

So all this talking and all this spouting, and all the hard feelings and all the perspiration that’s going to be smeared about all this summer will just be a total loss. Conditions win elections and not speeches, and these denouncing orators should remember that every time they cuss the President they lose friends. They may get some applause from a partisan audience, but we still think it’s the highest office in the whole world. And we always think, and we have justification in that thinking, that it’s always held by the highest type of men, regardless of which party they belong to. So any denouncing, no matter which side he’s on, he loses more votes than he gains.

Now don’t get all heated up in arguing and get mad over these problems all summer. Everybody is trying to save the country, only they’re trying to do it in different ways, and it’s too big for all of them put together to spoil, anyhow. See? So, good-bye and I’ll see you this fall.” Radio broadcast, June 9, 1935 (Will died in a plane crash in Alaska, August 15, 1935)