Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the “Columbus Dispatch”. The Legislature wants to raise money for schools by placing 14,000 slot machines at all the horse racing tracks. The Governor says he is for raising money, but he’s against the slot machines.

According to the paper, the horse tracks would keep half the gross profits (because that’s where the gambling machines would be housed), and the schools would get half. They don’t say what share the winners get.

This don’t seem quite right, after all it’s the schools that need the money, not the tracks. If the race tracks need to rake in more dough let ’em get better horses.

Now I’ve got another plan. Take those 14,000 gambling machines and divide them among the schools. That way you eliminate the middle man, and the schools don’t have to split the profits. There would be no overhead, and no need for a state education department. Teachers at the end of the month wouldn’t have to wait for their paycheck to arrive. They would just empty the machines and divvy up the proceeds amongst themselves.

The slot machines would even help the youngsters learn arithmetic, mainly subtraction. (For example: little Susan brings $10 to school, and loses $9 on the slots. How much does she have left to buy lunch?)

More parents would show up for PTA. Men that hadn’t been in a school building in twenty years would stop in every morning to try their luck.

This sounds like a good plan, and it should have the backing of Republicans and Democrats. But not the Methodists or Episcopals. Catholics are kinda on the fence: they favor gambling, but only on church property.

Ohio has tried this before. About every four years somebody puts gambling on the ballot, and it always goes down. It reminds me of Prohibition when there was lots of folks that voted dry, but drank wet, and now on gambling they vote “no”, but bet “yes”, even if they have to cross the state line to do it.

Have you seen this new campaign against SUV’s. It’s a bumper sticker that asks: What Would Jesus Drive?

Now I don’t rightly know, but I seem to recollect that Jesus mainly walked. He did ride a donkey on occasion, but he gave that up when hay went to $2 a bale.

Now I suppose the folks asking the question want Jesus to drive something. So I would propose a Model T Ford would be ideal. It was the first car ever built for the common man. No fancy frills, no options, and only came in black. It was cheap, so the Apostles could not complain he was wasting the Sunday collection.

Here’s the main reason for Jesus to drive a Model T… if he spent a full year cranking it to start it, patching punctured tires, replacing all the bolts that rattle off, and pulling it out of mud holes and pushing it up steep hills, well, that would be a bigger test of a man’s religion than forty days wandering in the Wilderness.

After watching that Victoria’s Secret show last night, the question they should ask is: What Would Jesus Wear? Or more accurately, what would Jesus pick out for Mary Magdalene to wear?

That show reminds me of Mr. Zeigfeld’s Follies. He always spent thousands of dollars on costumes, then wouldn’t let the girls wear them. ‘My’ main role was to come on stage for ten minutes between acts and entertain while the girls changed from nothin’, into nothin’.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Prohibition originally started out with us as a moral issue. It was either good or bad for you to drink. Then it drifted to economics: Did people save more when not drinking? Then into racketeering. But now it’s drifted into the worst angle of any, that is politics. American history records no return of anything once it got into politics.” DT#1855, July 15, 1932

COLUMBUS: The last time we talked, it was election night, the votes had not all been counted, and the Democrats still had hope. By early morning, all hope had vanished along with Mr. Mondale, Senator Max Cleland, and whoever was running against Elizabeth Dole.

So the Democrats have turned the whole situation over to the Republicans. They sort of admitted, “George, you’re riding the tall horse, at least for the next two years. You can set your own direction and pace, but we ARE bringing in Nancy Pelosi to nip at your heels once in a while, and bark if the occasion calls for it.”

In other election news, the cockfighters lost in Oklahoma. Now that it’s illegal, profits will likely go up. Look for cockfighting to bring prosperity to Oklahoma like Prohibition did for Chicago.

Did you see where the Parliament in Iraq voted against the UN inspectors, and the next day Saddam over-ruled them? That don’t mean he’s ready to give in, rather he knows it’s his neck on the line, not Parliament’s. He was hoping the Democrats (or maybe France) would save him, but now it kinda looks like he’s depending on bin Laden.

Here in Columbus, they’re holding a convention of real estate investors, and I was invited to annoy them last night. I tell you, after trying for the past two years to cheer up audiences consisting mainly of Wall Street investors (and failing miserably), this was a pleasant change. They were in an optimistic mood when they got here, and if they follow everything the other speakers are scheduled to teach them, they’re liable to double their investment by Christmas. The only thing along that line I could possibly suggest to them was to read a new book called “The One Minute Millionaire”. But they won’t do it; that’s not fast enough for these folks.

I told them something “I” had written about real estate back in 1928. “The government sent the Indians to Oklahoma. They had a treaty that said, ‘You shall have this land as long as grass grows and water flows.’ It was not only a good rhyme but looked like a good treaty, and it was till they struck oil. Then the Government took it away from us again. They said the treaty only refers to ‘Water and Grass; it don’t say anything about oil’.”

Well, they didn’t laugh, and I was a bit surprised. Of course at the time, the Indians didn’t think it was funny either. **

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (immediately after the 1928 election)

“FOR SALE: Would like to sell, trade, dispose of or give away to right parties franchise of what is humorously known as Democratic Party. Said franchise calls for license to enter in national elections; said right of franchise is supposed to be used every four years, but if intelligent parties had it they would let various elections go by default when understood they had no chance.
If in right hands and only used in times when it had an “issue” or when Republican Party had split, think it could be made to pay, but present owners have absolutely no business with it. Under present management they have killed off more good men than (railroad) grade crossings have.” DT #712, Nov. 7, 1928

“Offers pouring in all day for the purchase of the Democrats. All want the title, but no one wants any of the cast.” DT #713, Nov. 8, 1928

** Note: I added several of Will Rogers’ quotes about real estate on this web site. Click on “Quotes”, then “Real Estate”.

If you’re interested in reading and seeing more about Will Rogers Days, go to www.willrogers.com and click on “What’s New”, then “Large Turnout Pays Homage to Will Rogers”. This is a news report about the birthday events Nov. 4 at Claremore and Oologah. The story does not mention me (I had no official role in the festivities), but I took all ten photos which illustrate it.

CLAREMORE, Okla.: When this town gets all fixed up for a birthday celebration, it never looked better. And the people around here, and up at Oologah, are the friendliest in the world, and always have been. They had a big parade Sunday afternoon, and former Governor Nigh was in it. He was governor so many years ago, folks think we’re about the same age.

Yesterday morning they had a birthday cake at the Ranch at Oologah, and music from the grade school kids. In the afternoon the Cherokee ladies of the Pocahontas Club had a ceremony at the Memorial at Claremore with cookies afterward. Of course there were some speeches, but they were short compared to the music and cake and cookies. With friends and family, it was a wonderful way to celebrate a birthday, number 123.

I stopped in to vote this morning, at the polling place just down the hill from the Memorial. According to the front page of the “Tulsa World”, a million people might vote in Oklahoma, and I didn’t want ’em to end up with only 999,999 on account of me. Besides they got something important on the ballot – cockfighting. That’s why so many are voting. Cock fighting has been a popular enterprise and a lot of folks have wanted to get rid of it for a long time, but they couldn’t. Now this vote today might make it illegal, but it’s kinda like the Prohibition Amendment, they won’t eliminate it. We’ll end up with a lot of cockfight bootleggers.

Well, back to my voting. They said, “Will, your name’s not in the book, and you can’t vote”. Now, that was a terrible jolt. Seems it don’t count that for over fifty years I’ve been what you might call a “permanent resident”.

Well, I hope they get their million voters, but they should get two million. I met about a dozen exchange students, from Russia, way up in Siberia, who are living in Claremore for three weeks, to learn more about us. They’re seeing how a democracy works, first hand. But they’re liable to go home wondering why half of us don’t even bother to vote.

If you’re still looking for a place to see some beautiful fall colors, get over here in the next few days. The trees around Oologah Lake never looked better. I think all the clouds lately has held the colors.

Happy birthday to Laura Bush. She’s another one of these folks born on Nov. 4.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I had never seen a Cockfight, and I personally don’t approve of it – this thing of having one Chicken with sharp knives on its legs, immediately and instantaneously sever the jugular vein of its opponent, who also has on similar knives and has an equal chance of doing some severing itself.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

“Well, the promising season ends next Tuesday, and at about 8 o’clock that same night the “alibi” season opens… To show you what campaign promises amount to, can you remember back a few weeks ago when the promise was made on both sides that ‘the campaign was to be run on a high plane’? This campaign ends Tuesday, but it will take two generations to sweep up the dirt.” DT #706, Oct. 31, 1928.

P.S. In case you’re wondering, I flew back to Ohio this afternoon. And they let me vote. I guess the standards are lower than in Oklahoma.

COLUMBUS: By golly, the Angels beat the Giants after all. It took ’em 7 games and the score of the last game was 4 to1. Why am I telling you this old news? Well, hardly anybody east of Fresno bothered to watch, and if someone ever asks you, “who won the 2002 World Series?”, you can’t credit your ignorance to me if you miss it.

The players all got a trip to Disneyland. Yeah, right. I think it’s across the street from their baseball field. They should’ve taken ’em to Gene Autry’s Melody Ranch. At least they would get a bus ride.

Wasn’t that a tragedy up in Minnesota, losing Paul Wellstone and other fine people with him. Everybody knew where he stood, but they always asked him anyway because it was so enjoyable and enlightening to hear him explain it. He could always be counted on to vote one way, kinda like Senator Hatch of Utah, except the opposite. They canceled each other out 99% of the time. Everybody knows you could remove about two-thirds of the Senate and the country would run just as good, maybe better.

They had a funeral for Sen. Wellstone, and it turned into a 3-hour Revival Meeting for the Democratic denomination. Of course the Democrats need to be revived, or even resurrected, but Republican Senators are demanding equal time. The television networks said, “We’ll give it to you, under one condition.” But, so far, none of them has volunteered for the role of the corpse.

Looks like we may get Walter Mondale back in there, and Frank Lautenburg from New Jersey. Ohio and Kansas are thinking about bringing back John Glenn and Bob Dole.

With prospects of these wise old birds returning to the Senate, Strom Thurmond is feeling kinda sorry about yielding his South Carolina seat.

Why, I wouldn’t be surprised at the opening roll call to see Louisiana represented by Huey Long.

Here in Ohio, no matter who wins governor’s race, he will likely raise taxes. Of course they are denying it till after the election. Gov. Taft finally admitted yesterday he is against any new income tax or sales tax, but to fund the schools he might be obliged to put on an “education tax”.

Now there is a sly one, naming a tax for where the money’s going instead of where it’s coming from. See, this new tax will be on income or sales or property, but it’s going for schools.

Really, I think this is a good idea, in fact it ought to be that way for anybody who wants a share of our money. We already know where the money’s coming from, it’s coming from those that have got it. From now on, when we give it, we would know where it’s headed.

For instance, if you want support for the farmer, you put on a “farmer tax”, and I think the majority would maybe vote in favor of such a tax. Probably the same for a “teacher tax”.

But if you want a “beach tax” to haul sand and pile it in front of millionaires’ oceanfront houses, well, the odds are about the same as a “Governor’s and Legislator’s tax” to raise their salaries.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Come pretty near having two holidays of equal importance in the same week, Halloween and Election, and of the two, Election provides us the most fun. On Halloween they put pumpkins on their heads, and on Election they don’t have to. Candidates have been telling you that if elected they would “pull you from this bog hole of financial misery.” Now is a good chance to get even with ’em, by electing ’em, just to prove what a liar they are.  Personally I think this is the right year for a good man to be defeated in.” DT #1334, Nov. 2, 1930

“The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.” DT #1764, March 20, 1932

COLUMBUS: That blast of air felt in the region around Washington, D.C. today was from a collective sigh of relief. They caught the snipers asleep, along I-70 headed west.

One was an Army veteran, John Williams (now John Mohammad), the other a 17-year old, John Malvo, who is in this country illegally.

It was this younger fellow that finally got them caught. Like many teenagers, he simply could not stay off the telephone.

These guys got around. They lived in Tacoma, then went to Alabama and killed a clerk, then to Camden, New Jersey, apparently to get a good deal on a 1990 Chevy Caprice.

Camden is the most curious stop for these two. Local police are checking their records for recent murders. See, in Camden ten murders in a month is kinda routine. Mohammad and Malvo probably figured out, “We can’t scare anyone around here with killings, let’s try Maryland.” So they left, but before they left they mailed in their absentee votes, for Senator Toricelli.

Do you remember my suggestion from October 7? Well, I almost forgot it myself, but here it is. I said, “Putting on a war just to take out one man seems kind of excessive. Maybe they should just find the guy shooting those people in Maryland, and ship him to Baghdad.”

I think we’ve got what negotiators like to call a win-win situation. Our Air Force can drop those two murderers (alleged) into Iraq. If they can knock out Saddam, we pardon them, but leave them there. If Saddam catches them… well, it saves the millions we would otherwise have to spend on their trials.

This idea will offend some of you, and I don’t blame you for being upset. But for the last month there’s been millions of men, women and children around our nation’s capital who have had their whole lives upset, so they would probably vote in favor of the plan.

Johnny Cochran is trying to get in touch with the suspects. I’m not quite sure whether he wants to defend them, or to ask ’em if they are the murderers O. J. has been searching for the last few years.

Well, finally, radio and television broadcasters can get off these snipers and back to what Americans want to hear about. Politics.

Speaking of broadcasters, the past two days I got to meet and listen to two of the best, Walter Cronkite and Sam Donaldson. Mr. Cronkite started off the annual convention of the Ohio Association of Broadcasters, and Sam ended it. They had some other speakers in between that you might not have heard of, but they held their own. Keith Harrell, Chris Lytle, Frank Pacetta and Jones Loflin did a marvelous job of teaching and training and motivating.

You might be interested in some of what Mr. Cronkite told those folks. He said he is disappointed with network news today. They spend too much time on fluff, not enough on the important news. Instead of using scandal and entertainment to attract an audience, what they need is better writing and more thought on the important stories. That’s what will make it more interesting and draw an audience. He said we can’t afford to have an ignorant nation.

He has known and talked with every man who has served as President from Hoover to George W. He said they are all smart, but the smartest of them all is Jimmy Carter.

He was born in Missouri, and had his first broadcasting job in Oklahoma City. He has worked in journalism more than 60 years and will celebrate his 86^th birthday on November 4. If that date seems familiar to you, perhaps it is because another great man who did some broadcasting will be honored on the same day for birthday number 123, Will Rogers.

Tonight I was invited to speak to the Hilliard Kiwanis Club which meets just down the road. They’re a fine bunch of men and women, and do some great things for the local community and around the world. This Saturday they are scheduled to paint a giant map of the United States on the asphalt playground at an elementary school. They were picking out colors. I suggested Ohio ought to be red, in reflection of the state budget problems. But about 40 states have the same problem and they can’t all be painted the same color. Our kids need all the help they can get with geography.

Gene Autry’s Angels are still alive in the World Series, and headed home to Anaheim for two games.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers: (from a speech to Kiwanis International convention, 1933)

“I am here tonight as kind of a peace offering. I have told a lot of jokes about these eating outfits, service clubs, or whatever you want to call them. …I have told a lot of jokes about these service clubs, or eating outfits, because I could not see much sense in them. But they were beneficial to the hotels, because they got rid of a lot of bad food.

All of that was back in the old days. It looks like you have really got a mission to fulfill now; you are doing something. You have reformed and you are going along all right. I know from personal experience that you are getting along fine and doing something worth while.”

 

COLUMBUS: Our President came back to Ohio again, this time to Cincinnati to give a speech to the nation. Actually it was mainly a speech to the Democrats. And Saddam Hussein.

You may wonder , why Cincinnati? Well, can you think of a better place to announce a War? Look at the Bengals. Anybody who comes to Cincinnati always wins.*

Putting on a war just to take out one man seems kind of excessive. Maybe they should just find the guy shooting those people in Maryland, and ship him to Baghdad.

But Mr. Bush does not really expect to have a War. He figures once he gets the Army and Air Force and everybody lined up behind him, in unanimous support, it’ll end before it starts. So far, all he’s got behind him is England. And the Republicans. That leaves about 250 assorted countries, and the Democrats. So at the rate he is attracting folks to his side of the argument, it will be unanimous by around Christmas. Of 2010.

He is already looking ahead. He says when Saddam is ousted, America is willing to send Twenty Billion dollars a year to Iraq. Yes sir, 20 Billion. And at ten dollars a barrel, that’ll get us a lot of oil.

In other news this week New Jersey Senator Toricelli dropped out, and the Supreme Court says it is ok for him to be replaced on the ballot by a retired Senator, Frank Lautenberg.

Ohio Democrats are keeping an eye on that New Jersey situation. See, we’ve got a candidate for Governor here, and he ain’t doing so hot. There’s talk that he might resign from the campaign, and be replaced on the ballot by John Glenn.

The baseball playoffs are underway. Already the teams everybody figured would win the World Series have been knocked out. The Angels beat the Yankees. That’ll make Gene Autry pull out his guitar and strum a happy tune for St. Peter. The St. Louis Cardinals have a new Gashouse Gang ready to take on Barry Bonds. And that team up in Minneapolis that some folks wanted to get rid of a year ago, they’re still in the hunt.

A judge in North Carolina announced he is taking the crown away from both of their Miss America candidates, at least temporarily. When this controversy started a month or so ago I heard from a former Miss North Carolina who says she is ready and willing to step in. In fact, she has been ready for about 40 years. Jeanne Robertson still has her tiara, and a closet full of evening gowns and nice clothes, and she still fits in her old bathing suit.

She does have a new talent… she just stands up there and talks and the judges and the whole audience are rolling in the aisles, laughing.

She says that’s the same reaction she would get wearing the old one piece.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“There has been war since the beginning of time, and we are no smarter than the people that have gone before us, so there is awful apt to be some more war.” WA #368, January 12, 1930

*Note: for those of you not into American football, the Cincinnati Bengals of the National Football League are 0-5.

NASHVILLE: For the past couple of weeks I’ve been out traipsing over Indiana and Ohio, so I drove down to Tennessee for a break. Those two states, and most of the middle west are still dry. Farmers have started harvesting what little bit of corn and soybeans they’ve got. Recent rains from that storm named Isadore was just enough to settle the dust.

Farmers are optimistic. The big Ohio farm show drew almost 150,000. Judging by the parking lot, all but about a thousand must of come by pickup truck. I don’t know if John Deere and New Holland are selling many tractors, but Ford and Chevy sho’ are selling the trucks.

Half the country is suffering from drought. Even Arizona claims they are in a long dry spell, but how can they tell? Did the desert turn a darker shade of brown?

Arizona is where the sun shines all day. It’s a wonderful place to live, and it’ll be the perfect place if anyone can show ’em how to get along without water.

Nashville has the Cumberland River and the TVA, and if this town ever runs short of something, they’ve got country music to take their mind off their troubles. I went to the Grand Ole Opry (the Friday night version) and I’ve never seen a more appreciative crowd. These folks weren’t as loud and demonstrative as some of the younger audiences I’ve seen, but whether it was Porter Waggoner, Holly Dunn, Mike Snider, or the Osborn Brothers (no relation to that family on TV) or any of the other twenty or so singers and performing groups on the stage, they loved every minute of it.

Saturday I stopped downtown at the old Ryman Auditorium, home of the Opry for so many years starting in 1925. And just down the street they have built a new Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum. That place sure brings back memories. You can hear old recordings of people like the Carter Family, Roy Acuff, and the yodeler, Jimmy Rodgers, the “Father of Country Music”. Then there’s old video film clips of Red Foley and Tex Ritter, and some not-so-old ones of Hee Haw, and Dolly Parton as a young girl. (I started to say “little girl”, but I’m not sure she was ever “little”.)

Saturday night I went on down I-65 to Franklin, to see the Will Rogers Follies. (More on that in a minute)

I guess this town was named for Ben, and it’s almost as old as Philadelphia. This place earned it’s own spot in history during the War. They’ve got a monument right in the middle of Main Street honoring their Confederate soldiers.

They are proud of their heritage. The Chamber of Commerce says they have 15 blocks of historic buildings; you have to go two miles out of town to find anything built since 1900.

No, really, they got some new structures. They even built a 4-story parking garage to accommodate all the tourists. All the old buildings have shops, restaurants and offices, mostly for lawyers. It seemed to me they have an abundance of lawyers offices for a town this size. I mentioned it to one of the local fellows, and he agreed, “It’s probably more than we need. There’s six lawyers to every ambulance.”

Back to the Follies… I never tire of watching a great performance, and these local folks put on quite a show. Of course they had already done it 12 times before I got here, and this was the last one, so they put all they had into it.

I would like to see a couple of changes though… “Will” was played by Bobby Moore, a Nashville songwriter and singer, and he did a marvelous job. But just once I would like to see it done by someone who really don’t sing so good. No more Larry Gatlin or Mac Davis. Someone who sings more like Don Rickles.

Having seven sisters where only three existed in history is all right with me because a fellow can never have too many sisters. And keeping your father close by forever is a good idea.

But just once I would like to change the ending. It’s where Wiley Post enters and says, “Come on Will, it’s time to fly to Alaska.” And Betty says, “Will, why must you go to Alaska?” And then Will says, “Because I did.”

You know, I think a lot of folks would like to see Will skip the Alaska trip, and go on another twenty or thirty years.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(from an article where Will described the tour he made putting on several shows a day to raise money for drought sufferers)

“We flew out … for our night show… where we joined all the rest of our troop, The Revellers, and Jimmy Rodgers who was with us then, the Yodler De Luxe, and Chester Byers, the Roper.” WA #426, February 22, 1931

COLUMBUS: Florida held an election Tuesday. I guess they figured the country needed some comedy relief this week

It was only 2 counties that had problems, and you can probably guess which ones. They spent millions to make elections fool proof, but the voters fooled ’em. Gov. Bush should have known, if you’re gonna use computers to vote with, you better bring in some experts to operate ’em. Say, 7^th graders. You need keen eyesight to find the on-off switch.

You know, “Touchscreen” voting is really not fair for a generation that grew up getting yelled at for leaving fingerprints on windows.

But they can’t go back to punch cards. I think what they need to do in the next election, is get everybody together… the whole precinct… in a big room. Then call out a candidate’s name and ask people raise their right hand if they are for him. To make it an honest election they can bring in counters from another state, like Chicago.

Or to speed it up, bring in counters from Australia. They’ve got men that can count 600,000 sheep a day. Those blokes could count Florida’s votes faster than their computers.

Here’s a news flash…just a few minutes ago I heard that, “Miami Dade County found 1800 uncounted ballots”. Janet Reno perked up at that news, till she found out they were from the election in 2000.

Miss North Carolina has been in the news lately. It seems an old boyfriend was shooting his Kodak when, if he had had any manners, he would have been shutting his eyes. North Carolina always has lovely candidates, and some tall ones too, and this one was special because she’s an Indian. Us Indians are used to losing, but this is the first time it’s on account of a picture. Usually it’s on account of land, and it’s the land we’re losing.

Here in Ohio it’s still dry. Weatherman says it’ll rain tomorrow.

Have you noticed, they always predict more rain than what you get. And when they do get it right with their “scattered thunder storms”, it seems the rain is scattered at the airport where the official gauge is located, and not on the farm fields where we need it.

Congress voted to give the farmers another $6 Billion in drought relief. The President hasn’t decided if their votes are worth that much.

It’s hot in the Midwest, but winter has already hit New Hampshire. Presidential hopefuls will arrive shortly.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The Middle West got rain. Even the Lord couldn’t stand to wait on the Republicans forever.” DT #1269, August 19, 1930

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: The baseball strike got settled before it started, but nobody here much cares… football season is underway and the University won their first game.

The baseball owners gave their lowest paid players a 50 percent raise and promised not to eliminate any jobs. Can you imagine any big company doing that today? The baseball fans wanted cheaper seats and dollar hotdogs, but that idea went nowhere. What we’ll get is $5 drinks and the Yankees in the World Series again.

Big news from television this week… they’re planning to do one of those Survivor shows with hillbillies. Only it’s backwards, where they take some rich, uptown Hollywood-type folks and put them out in the boondocks and see if they survive among the hillbillies, kinda like Green Acres. The producers are out prowling around searching for an “ideal location, probably in a southern state.”

It’s created quite a stir among our Governors. They’re accustomed to showing off their state to big manufacturers, bragging about the fine highways, railroads, airports, schools, museums, and a plentiful supply of natural gas, electricity, and well-trained ambitious workers.

How will these same governors convince a TV network their state consists mostly of hollows, hicks and moonshine stills?

You might think the perfect spot would be an old house five miles up a dirt road, where you chop wood for the stove, grow your own food, and the only modern communication is a telephone party line. (For those too young to remember what that is, think of it as an internet chat room where you don’t have to type.)

No, for this reality show, they should take these millionaires and set them down in the middle of an ordinary country community. It could be in any state… Arkansas, West Virginia, or even Massachusetts.

They’ll have to trade their fancy Lincoln or Humvee off for an old Chevy pickup with a rusted tailgate. The music on the radio will be by Alan Jackson, not Michael.

There’ll be a full calendar… go to church twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday night. High school football on Friday night.

Saturday night they’ll have a choice… square dance at the Legion Hall, or listen to a band at the high school auditorium. It won’t be a symphony… those are fiddles, not violins. There’ll be banjos and guitars, and if it’s really high class, a hammered dulcimer and a washtub bass-fiddle.

They’ll have to learn how to survive receiving a bushel or two of tomatoes and squash from a neighbor’s garden. (Better bring along a Martha Stewart recipe for zucchini bread.)

The children can join 4-H or Scouts and learn how to make or grow something to show at the County Fair. After school they can play softball in the backyard.

Throw in an occasional weiner roast, quilting bee, ramp dinner, and coon hunt, and you’ve got the makings of quite a show.

Most of these so-called reality shows start out with about a dozen people, and weed ’em out down to one survivor who walks away with a million dollars. For this Hillbilly Survivor show, if they follow this plan and start with 10 or 12, by the end they’re liable to have 20 or 30, because all their city friends will be arriving to get in on the fun. And I bet they’ll each willingly pay a million dollars for the privilege.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Anytime you tangle with an Arkansaw hillbilly or hillbillyess, you are going to run second.” DT# 2803, July 30, 1935

“Baseball is the greatest game in the world, for the greatest number of people. And it’s the least crooked sport ever invented. And I am going to go to it, and believe in it, and admire the type of men that play it, till I get so old that my whiskers will get caught in the turnstiles.” WA#215, Jan. 23, 1927

WESTON, West Va.: This is the town where they hold the Carp Fishing Festival, and it’s just upriver from where that famous general, Stonewall Jackson, grew up. But the reason I’m here this week is football. They’ve got a new high school and a new football field and I came to watch what the coaches call a scrimmage.

Let me tell you about this school. See, anywhere else when they decide to build a new school they buy up about 100 acres of prime flat land. But here, they bought 25 acres of steep hillside ground. I guess they figured once it was flattened it could amount to 100 acres.

Now, how do you build a big school and everything that goes with it, on a hillside? Well, you’ve seen pictures in China where they farm the mountain sides with terraces. It’s kinda like stairs going up the mountain. That’s what they did here.

First, you cross a bridge (did I tell you it was on the other side of the river?) and drive up to the parking lot, then up another level to the school building. Every school has to have sports, so they went on up the hill and leveled out a baseball field. Then someone remembered they had a football team, so they went higher up and leveled out enough space for a field. Putting in the home bleachers was easy, they just set them right on the slope on the uphill side.

But they forgot that in high school everybody cheering for the visiting team always sits on the opposite side, and there’s no room for bleachers. So, they just put up a fence along the edge, and the fans have to line up behind that fence and hang on. If you happen to let go, and the grass is wet, you’ll slide down the hill and you don’t stop till you hit the first base line.

This field don’t have the elevation of Denver’s Mile High Stadium, but by the time you walk up to it you feel like you climbed the Washington Monument. Our President says we should get more exercise, but anyone that goes up this hill every Friday night won’t need to jog three miles to stay in shape.

In July Mr. Bush told us he was going to Texas for a month, and, frankly, we were looking forward to the vacation. But he fooled us. He’s been flying all around the country… Maine, Pennsylvania, California…. giving speeches.

In Oregon he said the way to prevent forest fires is to cut the trees before they can burn. And anyone planning to build a house in the woods should first cut down every tree within 500 feet of it. Then all you’ve got to worry about is grass fires, mudslides and an avalanche.

Just down the road in Clarksburg today the town held an election to vote on one thing, an excess tax levy. I don’t know if it passed or failed, but you’ve got to compliment the city council for being honest enough to call it “excess”. You know, if Congress called every proposed new tax an “excess tax”, maybe fewer would go through.

By the time you hear from me again the baseball season may be history. Football is ready to take over, so hardly anybody cares what happens to baseball. It’s sure different than it was seventy years ago when we had Babe Ruth, Tris Speaker, Dizzy Dean and the Gashouse Gang. Ruth admitted he made more than the President, but said he had had a better year. We got lots of players today being paid ten times more than the President and they’re batting .210.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“Say, there is an awful lot in the papers the last few days about these experiments these college professors are making with rats…. One wanted to find out what effect athletics had on anyone’s intelligence. They wanted to see if he was dumber, or keener, after running back punts and tackling another rat for awhile. The experiment showed that the rat was keener with athletics, by him demanding tuition and board for nothing and 10 per cent of the gate on all big games. The rat with no exercise wound up as a bond salesman.” DT #990, Sept. 27, 1929.