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April 19 is a date that lives in a special kind of infamy because of deadly attacks by deranged kooks, including the one in Oklahoma City 20 years ago.  So far it seems we have gotten through another April 19 without any kind of terror attack on American soil.

I’m guessing our nation’s security forces were all on heightened alert today. If that wacky postman had delayed his mini-helicopter ride to the Capitol grounds until April 19, he would have been shot down for sure.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Iowa last week. Iowa is where every candidate has to start, then on to New Hampshire and South Carolina. She stopped at a vocational school where about 50 reporters were waiting for her near the front door. But she had her van driven way around to a back door, with the reporters running wildly to get a glimpse of her before she disappeared inside. Another day she dined with a few hand-picked Iowans, but reporters were kept away.

She has been campaigning a week as the “champion for the middle class” but has avoided answering a single question about the middle class, or another other class. Other candidates were answering questions on the Sunday morning news programs, but not Hillary. So far the media are not complaining. She sent them an email that she will be in New Hampshire this week. So they are camped out in Manchester, waiting anxiously. Don’t be surprised if she avoids them completely and shows up in Myrtle Beach instead. You know, if she can successfully avoid media questions for another month, maybe they will simply avoid her.

Republicans are making fun of her Chevy van. Well, it won’t be long till at least a couple of the Republican candidates are campaigning in a bus. In Nashua, New Hampshire, Friday and Saturday, about 20 of ‘em gave speeches, one right after the other. Can you imagine sitting in the audience, having to endure 20 unique critiques of the Obama-Clinton administration.

What we want to hear, from all the candidates, is how to get the economy moving in high gear. It has been sputtering along, month after month. Oh, once in a while there is an optimistic report that things are getting better. Then the next month our hopes are dashed, with fewer new jobs and less spending by consumers.

I wrote last time about the California drought. City folks are complaining about having to cut back 25% while farmers don’t have to cut their water use at all. All the news articles say the farmers “use 80 percent of California water.” But they don’t, nowhere close to it. You might be surprised to learn that agriculture uses about 40%. Here’s the shocker: about 50% of all the water in California dams goes down the streams straight to the Pacific Ocean. Environmentalists insist on it. So, I suggest the city folks tell the governor to hold on to half of the half that’s currently “spilled” so they can take a bath as often as they need to for good hygiene.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

          “I know part of the presidential candidates personally—well, I know about 18 or 19 of them. The others I know by reputation. So I am going to give you the real facts as I see them.” WA #76, May 25, 1924

This was a big week for lawyers. Indiana and Arkansas passed laws and Iran and President Obama reached a deal. And nobody agrees on what was agreed to. Lawyers and diplomats will be arguing over ‘em for decades.

The President says the only alternative to signing the deal with Iran is “another war in the Middle East.”  Actually, most Americans think we are already in a war in the Middle East, and Iran is winning. Iran is supporting Hamas, Al-Qaida and other radical Muslim Islamic terrorists in Syria, Iraq, Gaza, the West Bank, Yemen, Libya, and Somalia. Oddly, sometimes we find ourselves on the same side as Iran.

The reason no one agrees on what the Iran agreement says is that our copy is written in English and their copy is written in Farsi (Iranian). Secretary of State John Kerry and the President say the deal prevents Iran from getting a nuclear bomb for 30 years. That’s what it says in English. But in Farsi, Iran claims they can keep right on building their nuclear facilities, hidden under a mountain. They do agree on one thing: the US and European nations will hand over a hundred billion dollars that has been withheld from Iran, and we’ll resume full trade.

Then there’s an unwritten agreement, which is in neither English nor Farsi. What do you suppose Iran agreed to? No nuclear attack on the US or Israel, at least until after January 20, 2017? Or maybe, no attack until a month after Secretary Kerry accepts the Nobel Peace Prize?

Back to Indiana and Arkansas. Based on the opposite reactions maybe those bills were written in Farsi. As near as I can make out, the Indiana argument came about because somebody organizing a gay wedding decided that instead of a 3-tier cake they wanted a double crust pizza. The owner of a pizza shop refused, “We’ve been serving pizza for thirty years. But no one ever ordered pizzas from us for a wedding, and we don’t want to start a new trend. Of course, if those folks want to host a party to watch, say, a championship basketball game, we’ll be delighted to sell ‘em all the pizzas they want.”  Then Wal-Mart jumped into the fray, threatening to close every store in Indiana and move their headquarters out of Arkansas to China.

California is drying up. The drought has been going on for four years but they are just now realizing it hasn’t rained in a while. And this winter all the snow that usually lands on the Sierra Nevada Range stayed up in the air until it reached Boston. There’s an argument over who should get the little bit of water that’s left. City folks are being asked to cut back, but they complain that farmers get a big share of the water. Of course the farmers must irrigate their crops that contribute about $50 billion to the state’s economy. I doubt that irrigated lawns and backyard swimming pools contribute much of anything. Those of us who eat fruits, vegetables and nuts from California would side with the farmers and let their lawns, pools, and golf courses dry up. (But when it comes to polo fields, I ain’t sure the ponies would like running on bare ground.)

If you’re planning to visit California, Governor Brown definitely wants you to come, but he suggests you bring your own water. In fact, if you can rent a tanker truck and haul a load of water from home it might pay for the whole vacation.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Nations don’t do things (the easy) way. If they did there would be no diplomats, and diplomats are nothing but high-class lawyers —  and some ain’t even high class.” WA #5, Jan. 14, 1923

“The government is doing what they can (to solve the drought), but even a Democrat can’t make it rain.” DT #2476, July 10, 1934

You may know that I grew up on a farm and I’ve been involved in agriculture ever since.  My grandparents farmed with a team of horses. They milked cows by hand (and so did I). Hens ran free during the day but were housed securely at night to protect them from raccoons and foxes.  Cattle and sheep grazed on hillside pastures about 7 months a year and the other 5 months we fed ‘em hay twice a day.

Were my grandparents organic farmers? Pretty much. They grew hybrid corn to fatten the hogs.  Fertilizer for the corn and garden crops was mainly supplied by the cows and chickens, if you know what I mean.  The main weed killer was a boy with a hoe. Having DDT to spray flies at milking time on a hot summer evening was welcome, but there would be just as many annoying flies the next day.

Why am I telling you this? Yesterday I saw a video put out by an organic group that slams modern farmers.  The video features innocent children singing enthusiastically to the tune of “Old MacDonald’s Farm.” But the words were changed to condemn agricultural practices developed over the last half century. Then the scene changes and a new verse sings the praises of a New MacDonald’s Farm with only organic foods.

Now, anyone who desires organic, and can afford to pay double or triple for their family’s food, is encouraged to buy organic. Those farmers deserve all the money they can get. But do not misrepresent the other 95 to 98 percent of American farmers who produce the safest food supply in history. And before you insist that ONLY organic food should be available to feed the world, think about this question:  who will decide which 2 to 3 Billion people will die of starvation. Think about that before blasting herbicides, insecticides, GMO crops, climate-controlled buildings for animals, and modern farm machinery.

If you want farmers to go back to 1950, then maybe you should consider giving up your cell phone, computers, color TV, and air conditioning.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

            “I’m just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular, and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.” WA #90, Aug. 31, 1924

“You got to do more than just live in the country to be a farmer.” WA #196, Sept. 26, 1926

The economy is not coming back the way everyone wants.  We still have close to 50 million receiving food stamps and almost half the population don’t make enough to pay income taxes.  Wages for the middle class are stagnant.

But let me tell you about a big cross section of Americans that receives no financial aid from the government for food, no assistance for housing, and none for medical costs.  This may be hard to believe, but almost $60 Billion in expenses last year and not a speck of federal tax subsidies required. As near as I can tell, the entire amount is privately financed.  Amazingly, no one is lobbying Congress or conducting social media campaigns to get subsidies or to force price controls.

You want specifics? Food costs totaled $22 billion. And that included some high priced fancy foods such as gluten-free and gourmet meals. Medical care totaled $15 billion, including the latest life saving techniques and even plastic surgery.  Furnishings and other expenses for shelter and comfort totaled $14 billion. Another sizable expenditure was on day care, education, and various personal care services totaling $5 billion.

You may be thinking, these folks must be the Top One Percent that we all hear about and envy.

Not really.  The recipients of the $60 Billion in private dollar expenditures are 400 million pets. Yes, pets.  Dogs, cats, goldfish, parakeets, rabbits, lizards and other assorted creatures.

Now, I doubt the $60 Billion includes horses. Anyone who owns horses, or used to own horses, knows $60 billion would not touch their upkeep, even without gourmet food and plastic surgery.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter. He’s got to just know.”  Ether and Me (page 10), 1927

“I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.”  DT #2288, Dec. 3, 1933

A pair of runaway llamas got more attention on some TV networks this week than ISIS or healthcare or illegal immigrants. The only thing that equaled it in coverage was a dress that couldn’t decide if it was black and blue or gold and white.

The llama roundup reminded me of a similar story years ago. In 1905, Zak Mulhall was putting on a big Wild West show in Madison Square Garden in New York.  Will Rogers was a prominent part of the show.  In the arena an 800-pound steer got loose, jumped a fence and charged up the steps into the crowd, all the way to the balcony.  According to a front page story in the New York Herald, Will Rogers ran after the steer and lassoed it in a corridor. Eye-witness reports were unclear whether Will dragged the steer back down the stairs into the arena, or vice-versa.  Although there were no TV cameras to record the chase, the publicity helped Will land contracts to perform his spectacular rope tricks on the top Vaudeville stages in New York City, catapulting his career.

Drivers are saving on lower gas prices, but economists are puzzled on what they are doing with all that extra dough. I’ll tell you where the money is going: paying heating bills. If you haven’t noticed it’s been a long cold winter. Electric rates have jumped, mostly because Washington decided wind and solar energy are preferred over coal. Pipeline construction has not kept up with all the oil and gas wells that are being drilled. Maybe in a couple of years the lower priced gasoline will pay off for our economy, but for now we’re happy to break even.

President Obama says “the economy is growing under my administration.”  But not everybody agrees with him. A Gallop poll found that the real unemployment rate is closer to 10% than 5%. More than half of Americans feel pessimistic. Too many are unprepared for a financial emergency. Even if they have a job they are not confident it will be there long term.

The president vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline. He’s been saying for six years he was against it, so at least he’s consistent. Remember in 2008 he said he wanted to “fundamentally change America.” And he has. For decades America was the respected leader of the free world. Friends trusted us; enemies feared us. Now instead of leading, we are content to sit in the back row and whittle. The president seems to trust Iran more than Israel.

The Secretary of State says we are safer than ever; the director of the CIA says we’re not.  Who are you gonna believe? Well, the CIA is supposed to keep an eye on our enemies and tell us the truth. On the other hand the Secretary of State is our top diplomat.  In 1928 “I” wrote that “a diplomat is a man that tells you what he don’t believe himself, and the man he is telling it to don’t believe it any more than he does.”

Feb. 22, 2015

This is George Washington’s Birthday.  As Will Rogers wrote in 1928, “George Washington was a farmer, Civil Engineer and a gentlemen.  He made enough at Civil Engineering to indulge in both the other luxuries.”

Washington was the General of our Army that won the Revolutionary War, and he was elected our first President.  He wrote and said a lot of important things about winning a war, but I doubt he ever imagined he could have defeated the British by offering jobs to the Redcoats.

The spokesperson for the Secretary of State announced this week that the way to defeat our current enemy, ISIS, is to offer them jobs.  That received a lot of commentary, especially by comedians and Republicans.

But Marie Harf also said you can’t win a war by killing the enemy.  And no one has commented on that bit of wisdom.  She graduated from the University of Virginia, that excellent school founded by Thomas Jefferson.  Is it possible she could have earned an advanced degree without reading anything on how to win a war by the likes of Washington, Stonewall Jackson and George Patton?

When it comes to war, “General” Putin in Russia is demonstrating one way to win: simply say to the other side, “What war? I’m not at war.” I think he is following Hitler’s example in the 1930s, “Let me have Ukraine and I’ll leave the rest of you folks alone.” Well, once Putin takes the whole of Ukraine in a couple of years, he’ll move on to Poland. Maybe when he advances into East Germany, the rest of Europe will pay attention.

The Academy Awards are being televised tonight.  The best movie is “American Sniper.”  As I write this, the best movie has not been announced. I don’t know if it will receive one of those little statues, but the American movie goers already voted: it is the Best Movie.

When Will Rogers was the M.C. of the 6^th Academy Awards in March 1934 he described those “little statues” as “lovely things (that) were originally designed for prizes at a nudist’s colony bazaar, but they didn’t take ‘em. It must be terribly artistic, for nobody has any idea what it is.”

Will Rogers admitted, “I have never seen any of these (nominated) pictures. They don’t look at mine, why should I go see theirs?  But he complimented everyone on their acting, “There is great acting in this room tonight, greater than you will see on the screen. We all cheer when somebody gets a prize that everyone of us in the house knows should be ours. Yet we smile and take it. Boy that’s acting.”

Islamic terrorists slaughtered a few more people this week. In Denmark a young hoodlum shot up a gathering of “free speech” cartoonists and then went to a synagogue and shot a few more.

Not to be overshadowed by a lone Islamic gunman in Europe, ISIS in Libya beheaded 21 Christians at Tripoli and threw their bodies into the Mediterranean. We’re still waiting for reaction from the White House on these “random acts of violence.”  Perhaps someone in Washington will show President Obama a report on how President Thomas Jefferson reacted two centuries ago when Islamic terrorists were pirating cargo ships in the Mediterranean Sea.

Last week Susan Rice, the self-appointed Secretary of Defense, declared that ISIS is not a threat like the Nazis and the Japanese were before World War II. She may be right, but she is really just hoping they wait two more years to attack us; then a different president will get blamed.

Europe is more concerned about Islamic terrorists than they are about Russia taking over Ukraine. Europe needs to be reminded that Ukraine has almost 20 percent of the best farmland in the world.  And most of that land is in the eastern Ukraine where it is most vulnerable to Putin’s army. Yes, Europe depends on Putin for natural gas, but if he takes over eastern Ukraine, they will be more dependent on Putin for their food also.

The 2016 Democrat Convention is going to Philadelphia, not Columbus.  Democrats held an auction and Philadelphia bid $90 million and one Liberty Bell. Columbus could only come up with $85 million and a national championship football for every delegate.  A few months ago Cleveland agreed to finance the Republican convention. Since I’m in Columbus I’ll stay in Ohio and corral the Republicans, and turn the Democrats over to Ben Franklin. The way things look today for the Democrats, they could conduct their convention by postcard.

On the other hand Republicans have a slew of Presidential contenders to choose from. I have no idea who will win the nomination, but the way things are looking in Washington here’s the slogan he or she will use: “It’s time for a Leader; I’m a Leader for the times. Vote for ______ in 2016.”

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

            “The (Republican) Convention opened with a prayer, a very fervent prayer. If the Lord can see his way clear to bless the Republican Party, the way it’s been carrying on, the rest of us ought to get it without even asking for it.” Convention Articles, June 12, 1928

Did you see the President’s speech at the annual Prayer Breakfast?  Seeing that Jordanian pilot burned alive made him so mad he compared the “ISIL organization” to Christian crusaders of a thousand years ago in Europe, and to Southern slave holders. President Obama still refuses to utter the words “radical Islamic terrorists” but he came mighty close to blasting “radical Christian terrorists.”

Vermont voted to ban “GMO food” unless it is labeled. The person who wrote the bill also considered including “DNA”, and if they had it would have passed by 80%. Well, it passed anyway, and a judge is deciding whether the bill means no one in Vermont can eat unlabeled GMO food, or only that no one in Vermont can sell it. That’s a big difference; in the first case you’d have to drive to New Hampshire 3 times a day to eat, and in the other, only once a week or so to buy groceries.

Personally, I think the Vermont judge should use tobacco as his legal precedent; any Genetically Modified food that has been shown to have caused serious disease such as lung cancer or liver disease or gall stones should be labeled, “This product is harmful to your health!” Otherwise, no label required. You might be interested to know, especially if you live in Vermont, that billions of meals have been eaten with food containing GMOs (and DNA) and not a single person got sick or died as a result, unless maybe they ate way too much food.

You may think because of my life in agriculture that I am being unfair to consumers who want food produced the way it was 50 years ago. As a farm boy, I ate mostly organic food. It was good, nothing wrong with it. But today I prefer watermelons and oranges with no seeds and corn-on-the-cob with no worms.  If our food was grown the same today as back then, it would cost twice as much.  What would that do to your family budget? Ironically, many of the same people who demand old fashioned food would hate to have a TV from 50 years ago (21-inch, Black & White, $500) or a telephone that required an Operator.

Brian Williams of NBC News got in hot water when he embellished personal stories from Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.  He is a newsman making $10 million a year who sees himself as a part time humorist and story teller.  His problem is that humorists can embellish stories to add laughs; a newscaster cannot. And as Will Rogers said, “I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.”

Embellishment to add laughs makes you a humorist. Embellishment to add drama makes you a politician.

Men, remember Valentine’s Day is this Saturday. That’s the day after Friday the Thirteenth, so buy her a nice present or you’re liable to have two days of bad luck.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

“Vermont has got (hills). Black ones, Green ones, White ones, any kind, color, shape or size hill that you want…  A Vermont farm don’t lay. It hangs. When your corn grows up big enough to gather you go up on the farm and shake the ears off and they fall in the barn.” WA #235, June 12, 1927

Is the economy improving or not? The last few months our prospects looked brighter. But now, not so sure.

President Obama is certainly optimistic, taking credit for recovery, adding jobs and lowering oil prices. But all the added jobs in the private sector are in Texas. And all additional oil drilling has been on private and state land; none on federal land that he controls. The economy is growing at a 3% rate but that is only adequate because the rest of the world is doing worse. Actually, as Steve Forbes said, “in the sixth year of a recovery, never before in history has there been such a punk recovery from a sharp economic downturn.”

Congress passed a bill to allow construction of the Keystone XL pipeline. But the President says he will veto it. He is also determined to shut down the Alaska pipeline by permanently prohibiting drilling on federal lands in northern Alaska. If Saudi Arabia had not declared a price war on other oil producing countries (by keeping production high) we would be paying $4 a gallon for gasoline and even Democrats would vote to override the veto.

President Obama has prohibited anyone in his administration from using the term Islamic terrorist. He and his spokesmen are committing verbal contortions to avoid using the term to describe the Taliban, Al-Qaida, ISIS, Hamas, Hezbollah, Jihadists, and a few others with similar names.  He has even persuaded the Al Jazeera network to ban the term. So, what should they call a bunch of masked men with automatic rifles who shoot victims, cut off heads, while praising Allah? Are they deer hunters with bad eyesight? To call them “armed insurgents” or “militants” sounds too peaceful and tranquil for murdering thugs.

The ISIS terrorists have beheaded Americans, British, Japanese and a few others. They are threatening to behead a Jordanian pilot, but Jordan has offered to trade a female Islamic terrorist they captured in return for the pilot. Are they kidding? ISIS and these other Islamic terror groups put no value on a woman, zero. Even a woman willing to strap bombs under her Muslim dress and blow up an Army post gets no respect from Islamic terrorists.

Meanwhile 90 miles south of our Florida coast, the Castros are making fools of our negotiators. They insist that in return for our offer to help Cuba enter the 21^st century, we must give them Gitmo, pay a hundred billion dollars in cash, and hold the 2016 Democratic National Convention in Havana.  President Obama would love to let them have Gitmo, but he is pondering the other two.

Mitt Romney decided he did not want to be another William Jennings Bryan. So he turned the Republican horse race over to younger candidates. If we can convince the other Republicans to drop out at a rate of one a month, the race will be down to a manageable number by the time they land in Cleveland for their convention in July 2016.

The New England Patriots squeezed out a Super Bowl win, 28-24, over Seattle. This is not the first time a team won by stopping an opponent on the one-yard line. First time it was ever with an interception.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

         “Can you imagine? This town of Cleveland wants the Republican and Democratic conventions both in 1928. The Republican Convention will be held further west… And as for the Democratic one, a sanity test will follow any town purposely asking for it.” DT #228, Apr. 15, 1927

After the State of the Union speech, President Obama granted interviews only to 3 young YouTube internet folks. He figured that’s the only way to reach young voters who would never watch an hour speech on regular TV.  One was named Glozell and she wore green lipstick. She attracts viewers who like to watch a woman eat Fruit Loops in a bathtub filled with milk while wearing a bikini. That’s an essential segment of voters. At least for American Idol.

I persuaded him to sit for an “interview” with me, so he could reach the old folks who likely went to sleep before the speech, or maybe in the middle of it. They eat their oatmeal in a bowl and do their swimming in a pool. And they vote! In elections!

Will Rogers: Mr. President, thanks for talking with me. You are the president of all the citizens. But some wondering, do you like representing the “right half” of the nation? Obama: “Of course I represent ALL Americans, left and right. Without the right, no way I could satisfy the left.”

WR: Do you favor people who save money by investing in the stock market and in savings accounts, such as a college fund for their kids?  “Yes, absolutely. I want them to invest and save and make money, so I can tax ‘em.”

WR: You have stated that everyone should pay their fair share. What is the fair share for the top 1%? They currently pay almost 40% of the total while the bottom 50% pays about 2%. Obama:  “As you know, I feel the half at the bottom should pay nothing. And the middle class has suffered with lower incomes, so they need relief. To be fair, the fat cats at the top need to contribute more, at least 50% of the total.”

WR: So for someone making, say a million a year, how much should they pay? Obama: “Oh, they should pay about 75% in taxes. They can afford it.”

WR: You know, in 3 or 4 years, you and Mrs. Obama will be making at least a million.  Obama:  “Oh shucks! Well, we’ll buy new houses in Hawaii and New York and California so the mortgage deductions will knock down what we owe. I hope tuition at Harvard for our daughters will be deductible, too.”

WR: A Japanese hostage was beheaded this week somewhere in the Middle East. Do you have any idea who did it? Obama: “We’re pretty sure it was terrorists.”

WR: Could it have been Islamic terrorists? Obama: “Well, that would be unfair to the Muslim community. Those terrorists wear black, covered head to foot, and all you can see is their eyes. Who knows, it could be Coptic Christians, or even Israelis.”

WR: You oppose the Keystone XL pipeline. I probably shouldn’t tell you, but they are planning big new pipelines in Ohio, Pennsylvania and West Virginia. Any objection? Obama: “Really? Wow, I’ll call my EPA head and have her stop ‘em. Those things are dangerous, and contribute to Global Warming. That’s the biggest problem facing us, global warming.”

WR: Thank you, Mr. President. I know this information will be appreciated by my readers. Both of them.