Category: Uncategorized

# 386, November 18, 2005

COLUMBUS: President Bush’s approval ratings took another nose dive. He’s below 40 percent, and that’s just in Congress. It has gotten so precarious, he’s gonna have to follow Mr. Coolidge’s plan; the Senate was agin him so much that he stopped telling them where he stood, and after that they accidently voted his way about half the time.

Mr. Bush proposed spending $7 Billion on bird flu vaccine. Congress said, “No, we’ll hold off till it lands here and knocks off a few thousand. Then we’ll appropriate $100 Billion for the cure.”

The President is in Asia this week. He’s been in Korea, and is on his way to China. I figure while he’s there he’ll make an offer for the Great Wall. He wants to buy it and have it moved to our border with Mexico.

You might wonder, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just build a new wall? Well, yes, but only if we hired Mexico to construct it. And knowing Mexico, they would build it solid and secure. Except for the secret passages.

Kansas has changed the definition of science. They say it wasn’t evolution, but intelligent design that put us all here. Maybe so, but some of you might question the intelligence of any “designer” that would ever give us termites. And gophers and ground hogs. And, at least for this week, Wolverines. [Note: that little jab was aimed at the Michigan Wolverines. In the football game Nov. 19 they put up a valiant fight, but secumbed to a superior team from Ohio State.]

But Kansas may be on to something. Have you noticed we have been struck by an extraordinary number of tornados this month, and not a one of them hit Kansas. No hurricanes either.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“These Chinese got humor, don’t kid yourself. I been looking at Walls and old Palaces today till I am groggy. The Forbidden City, that’s the way to attract attention to anything; call it Forbidden, and you couldent keep an American out of there with a meat Ax.” Saturday Evening Post, March 19, 1932

“I am now speeding across Kansas, that state that is sometimes noted for its broad and narrow ideas.” WA #76, May 25, 1924.

“(William Jennings Bryan) tries to prove that we did not descend from the monkey, but he unfortunately picked a time when the actions of our people prove that we did.” WA #40, Sept. 16, 1923

# 385, November 6, 2005

CLAREMORE, Oklahoma: Back in the home town for a birthday celebration, and I never saw it looking so prosperous. With six highways converging, including old Route 66, and four railroads crisscrossing, it’s no surprise Claremore is a growing metropolis.

With all those roads funneling folks to the center of town, while they’re sitting there in stuck traffic they just naturally look around while waiting for the tracks to clear or the light to turn green, often for the third or fourth time. Pretty soon they see something they like about the town and they never leave, even if the light is green.

The birthday festivity started Nov. 4 at the ranch at Oologah with the local 4^th graders singing beautifully and doing a fine western dance. Then some good old boys, and gals, from the Wild West Arts Club showed everybody how rope tricks are supposed to be done, followed by everybody eating birthday cake. They didn’t light any candles; it’s so hot and dry here126 candles would’ve been a major fire hazard.

After noon the whole party moved to Claremore where the ladies of the Pocahontas Club put on a magnificent memorial tribute, just like they have done for nigh on to 70 years.

[ For photos on the official Will Rogers Museum web site, click on: http://willrogers.com/wrdays_2005/wrap_2005/wrap_2005.html ]

Saturday they put on a big parade in Claremore and Roy Clark came over from Tulsa to be the Parade Marshal. Did I mention, the Rotary Club on Friday night gave him the Will Rogers Communicator Award. Even Garth Brooks was there to help honor the co-star of Hee Haw.

Before I forget, I got to tell you the fall colors at the ranch and all around Lake Oologah are glorious. You folks in New England don’t have anything on Oklahoma this year when it comes to foliage. And the weather. It’s been sunny and 80 degrees all week, regular Chamber of Commerce weather. If it stays like this till Christmas the snow birds heading south will stop here for the winter and forget about South Padre Island and Corpus Christi.

I flew into Tulsa Thursday on Southwest and rented a car from National. Now Tulsa is one town that has figured out how to live in luxury without taxing their own populace. They only charge taxes on those that visit, not the ones that live there. See, when you fly into town naturally you have to rent a car to go anywhere, and they sock an extra 40 percent tax on the car. This idea of taxing the out-of-towners, to make ’em feel welcome I guess, is not unique to Tulsa.

But when you’re up in that 40 or 50 or 60 percent range, you’re setting a standard that’s hard for any ordinary metropolis to match. Who knows, by next year they may set up toll gates at every entrance to the city, ask how much you’re carrying, and relieve you of 40% before you have the privilege of spending it.

Just north of here, Kansas decided that since their state is flat the rest of the world must be flat too. It sure can’t be round because no reasonably intelligent designer would create a world where if you walk to the opposite side you would fall off. So, from now on, Kansas kids can learn to read and write, but state law says to study science they have to cross the state line. Well, I bet it takes more than a Board of Education to stop those youngsters from picking up some common sense.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“I was born on Nov. 4, which is [or was] election day… My birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other day in the year.” DT #296, July 4, 1927

“Back to the old home state… The State never looked better and politics never looked worse, which is as it should be.” DT #982, Sept. 18, 1929

America honors Rosa Parks

# 384, October 30, 2005

COLUMBUS: Hurricane Wilma swept across Florida last Monday, just where the forecasters said it would a week earlier when it was still headed the opposite direction. Then it kept on going north, close to the Atlantic coast. The Appalachian mountains got hit with snow, maybe the first time anybody got snow from a hurricane.

Florida is still trying to get the electricity back on, just like the folks in the mountains.

I read in the newspaper where the House passed a bill to stop shyster lawyers from filing frivolous lawsuits. Now can anybody ever think of a more sensible bill than this one, except maybe one to stop Congressmen from frivolous spending. But wouldn’t you know, the American Bar Association came out against it. Of course this ain’t the first time the ABA has opposed any attempt to clean up their profession. (See Historic quotes…)

According to the bill, any lawyer with three superficial lawsuits, if he’s caught, would be suspended for a year. It seems fair, except maybe the suspension should be longer. It’s hard to find a lawyer that wouldn’t rake in enough dough from three lawsuits to take a year off from work.

But you can’t blame the Bar for looking out for their members. I’m sure they totaled the expected number of these frivolous lawsuits, and divided it by the number of lawyers in the country, and since it came to more than 3 per lawyer, they don’t have a choice but to oppose it.

If it does get past the Senate, I suggest they include a proviso that no lawyer be allowed to serve his suspension in an election year. With all that excess time on their hands we would be overrun with candidates.

The Chicago White Sox took care of business in the World Series. They had 88 years to get ready for it, and Houston only had forty some, so naturally they were favored. When one side wins four games to none, you might think it was one-sided, but not this time. Every game was tight, and it usually came down to the last batter.

We’re waiting on the President to let us know his substitute choice for the Supreme Court. You know he won’t please everyone, but this time he’ll probably decide to favor the Republicans. At least he’s got our attention.

Everybody in Washington is talking about Lewis Libby getting indicted for lying. It’s big news there, but outside of Washington, folks care more about the price of gasoline. I filled the truck at $1.95 a gallon, quite an improvement from a month ago.

Rosa Parks passed away, and she received the high honor of lying in state in the Capitol Rotunda. She showed us that one ordinary person, with enough determination and grit, can change this country for the better. You don’t have to be a statesman or politician or a Supreme Court Justice to make a difference.

The Commerce Department announced our economy is booming. See, it takes more than hurricanes and Washington indictments to stop us from buying. And the secret of American success is the same today as it was eighty years ago: “Every official in the Government and every prominent manufacturer is forever bragging about our ‘high standard of living’. Why, we could always have lived this high if we had wanted to live on the instalment plan.” DT #106, Dec. 9, 1926

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“What would make this (American Bar Association) convention immortal, is to kick the crooks out of their profession. They should recommend a law that every case that went on trial, the lawyer defending should be tried first, then if he come clear, he was eligible to defend.” DT #2789, July 14, 1935

“Went down and spoke at the (ABA convention) last night. They didn’t think much of my little squib yesterday about driving the shysters out of their profession. They seemed to kinder doubt just who would have to leave.” DT #2791, July 16, 1935

“This is the heyday of the shyster lawyer, and they defend each other for half rates.” DT #1527, June 15, 1931

“Modern plumbing has about done away with Halloween fun.” DT #2571, Nov. 1, 1934

# 383, October 19, 2005

COLUMBUS: Another hurricane is headed our way. This one is called Wilma, or is it Wilda? If it’s a bad one, the Democrats are just gonna call it Hurricane W.

We’ve never had to use up a whole alphabet before on hurricanes, but the way the season is goin’ we may go through Xena, Yolanda, and maybe Zayda. They tell me if we run out of letters before we run out of storms, they’ll send over to Greece for more names.

The All American Quarter Horse Congress is still going strong here. Tonight I got to see the 2-year old Snaffle Bit Western Pleasure, Limited Division competition. They must have started with at least 60 or 70 horses, with the riders showing off their various gaits, and wouldn’t you know, when they narrowed the field down to the top ten they were from all over the country, and the winner was from Oklahoma. I watched some barrel racing in another arena, but I didn’t stay to find out who won.

Speaking of competition, they had a Queen contest, with all the states sending their best and talented and prettiest young lady, and the winner is from Georgia, Ashley Herrman. Michigan had the next best one. These Queens aren’t just pretty faces; they know their horses and they are good riders.

Sunday they put on a big western fashion show, and all the queen candidates were the models. These fancy New York fashion shows don’t have anything over this one. One outfit was said to total $17,000, and I don’t doubt it. Some of the hats were priced at $1000.

I read where the horse industry of this country says they contribute almost $40 Billion to the US economy. And when they count what they call “indirect and induced spending”, it brings the total up to $100 Billion. The report doesn’t say, but a big share of that induced spending is probably dropped at the race track.

We’ve got 9 million horses, so that works out to around $10,000 per horse. There’s 2 million people that own the horses. And that means each owner, if my arithmetic is right, has 4.5 horses, and directly or indirectly contributes $45,000 to $50,000 to the American economy. When you look around the grounds here, and see all the fancy horse trailers, and the big pickups it takes to pull ’em, it ain’t hard to figure out where the $50,000 is going. The real question is: Where is it coming from?

That $10,000 per horse…, can you imagine a 100, or 125, years ago how long it would take a good horse to earn that kind of dough?

It’s a great industry, and if we could get some of our other pleasurable pursuits to contribute $100 Billion we would get out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into.

The World Series is set to start Saturday. Houston has never even been there, and for the Chicago White Sox it’s been so long since they won a Series, they can’t remember if you play 5 games or 7. It’ll be a fine Series, if you like good pitching.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Horses)

“If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for.” DT #2043, Feb. 20, 1933

“There will never be a time when the old horse is not superior to any auto ever made.” WA #507, Sept. 11, 1932

“Horses raise what the farmer eats, and eat what the farmer raises… You don’t have to pay some finance company 10 or 15 per cent to own a horse.” DT #1967, Nov. 23, 1932

“Horsemanship through the history of all nations has been considered one of the highest accomplishments.” DT #2391, April 2, 1934

# 382, October 12, 2005

COLUMBUS: This is Columbus Day. Most of you thought it was two days ago, and took Monday off. But if you think about it, on October 10, 1492, Captain Columbus was pretty much lost as sea, and if he had any suspicion he was near dry land, he figured it was around Bombay or Calcutta.

I’ve been promising a plan for New Orleans, and tonight, with some help from a former Louisianian, I’ll unveil the Rogers Plan. The Engineers got the last of the water pumped out, and the President flew into town and ate supper and slept in the French Quarter. Of course, years ago he used to visit the French Quarter, but that was before he met Laura, and eating and sleeping were not exactly at the top of his “to do” list on those visits.

Well, since President Bush did not announce any rebuilding plans for the city, except for a promise to borrow an extra $200 Billion and give it to ’em, it leaves the way open for me and my friend Gerald, who I kinda introduced to you in a previous article (Sept. 14). You remember it was his parents and uncles who were in the middle of the 1927 flood. Here’s some of what Gerald wrote to me:

“Farmers, tenant and otherwise, all showed up with their mules and scoops. They made pennies a day for hauling dirt up onto the levee they built at what is now the famous Atchafalaya Basin. That levee and others bordered the spillways that were built to prevent the Mississippi from doing that to them again. All they had was mules and scoops and sweat. Levees sink, you know, and some times the need to raise them arises if you want to keep an area safe. Lafayette and the area known as Acadianna are protected by that levee built by my uncles but that levee was raised several years ago.”

I’ll get back to that, and how it can work in New Orleans today, but first Gerald wants to give you a hint on a root cause of the problem: “The Texans came with their drilling rigs and dug straight-line canals all over the marshes which led to salt water intrusion and coastal erosion.

They have sucked gas and oil out from under New Orleans for 30 or 40 years: would that cause it to sink? The Outer Continental Shelf has 4000 oil installations drilled on it and the oil comes ashore through Louisiana but it is not taxable by Louisiana. Texas took care of that years ago.”

On with the Rogers (and Gerald) Plan for a higher, dryer New Orleans. Everybody knows by now that a big part of New Orleans is below sea level. Some of it, like the French Quarter and the Garden District is fairly high, and the rest of the city fluctuates in elevation, as any good surveyor can tell you, between low and lower.

Now here is the key to my Plan. You take all the area that’s below sea level, and divide it roughly in half. Let’s say for discussion purposes that whole flooded area is 2000 acres. The half that’s the lowest (deepest) will be dug out even deeper, maybe 10 to 20 feet deeper than it is now, and let it fill with water. And you use the fill dirt you took from that half to build up the other half, so where now you have 2000 acres that’s likely to flood every now and again, after we move all that dirt, you’ll have a beautiful1000 acre lake, and 1000 acres of dry land, ready to build on. Of course, we’ll use some of that fill material to raise and strengthen the levees.

The secret to this whole Rogers Plan, and how we can do it for a fraction of $200 Billion, is to hire all those unemployed men and women that want to return to New Orleans, give ’em a mule and a scoop, and put ’em to work, just like those farmers in 1927. If you’ve ever been to New Orleans you know they have a lot of mules, and they’re all pulling carriages filled with tourists. That’s kind of a waste of valuable horsepower, but at least it has kept them in good physical shape. (The mules, not the tourists.) Any shortage of mules can be filled by going up to Tennessee or Missouri and buy a few thousand at auction. For scoops, well, we’ll ask Mr. Ford to shut off production at one of his SUV factories for a week (nobody is buying ’em anyway), and build scoops. It’ll keep the auto workers occupied, and make ’em feel like they are contributing to a good cause.

There you have the ingredients of the Rogers Plan: a New Orleans worker, a Louisiana/Tennessee/Missouri mule and a Ford scoop. Let’s see Bush and the Army Engineers top that one.

I’ll close with another thought from Gerald: “I hope this gives you a little insight about why some of us from Louisiana feel that a more liberal (generous) Washington, while not preventing the storm, could have at least avoided some of the grief from the flood.”

Next week I’ll get back to earthquakes, mudslides, floods, fires and bird flu and other everyday catastrophes. And I’ll tell you about the big All-American Quarter Horse Congress going on here in Columbus. Some folks call it a Cowtown, but this month Columbus is practically owned by Horses.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Why there is dozens of great humanitarian things that could be done at a very little cost, if the tax was properly applied. It’s the waste in government that gets everybody’s goat.” WA # 622, Nov. 25, 1934

[Randall Reeder presents talks as Will Rogers. Whether you think of him as a “Will Rogers impersonator”, “Will Rogers impressionist”, or “Will Rogers speaker” does not matter.  What you get is authentic Will Rogers, with a bonus of a little current day Will Rogers style commentary. For information on available dates, call him at 614-477-0439.]

# 381, October 3, 2005

COLUMBUS: The Senate confirmed John Roberts and he took over the Supreme Court today. The president nominated Harriet Miers for the other opening. Nobody ever heard of her. He explained that he doesn’t think a man or woman has to actually be a judge to know how to judge.

You ask a Congressman or Senator what qualifications they had before being elected, and I bet you none of them felt especially well prepared for the mess they faced on their arrival at the old joke factory. So these new Justices may be as good as any the President could round up, considering the limits placed on him. See, he didn’t have to pick a sitting judge, but he was practically forced to name a lawyer.

On Thursday I was in Stark County, to address the school bus drivers and mechanics. That’s the home of Massillon and Canton, the twin football capitals of Ohio. They start ’em as four year olds and keep ’em going right through the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

It takes 600 bus drivers to haul all their students, and they received longevity awards, for survival. At 20 years they receive a watch. And at 30 years they got a plaque. I announced a new award for 40 years: they get a bus. Of course the bus they get is the first one they drove. There was one driver at the dinner with 45 years, but he refused to accept the bus unless it came with its own mechanic.

In Georgia the governor canceled school for 2 days last week to save all the diesel fuel used by the buses. It was a surprise holiday and you can guess who was the happiest about it. In other news from Georgia, the governor asked the Legislature to lower the voting age…. to six.

These Ohio drivers scoffed at the fuel saving idea. They said, if we run out of fuel, we’ll get the students off the bus and we’ll all push it to school. Now, that’s how you build champion football players.

Tom DeLay was indicted for political corruption in Texas. I saw him interviewed on television and he said, “I’m innocent. Everything I did down there I checked with lawyers. No check ever crossed my desk unless 3 independent lawyers approved the transaction.” Now, you see right there he practically admitted guilt. Anybody who’s doing something legal and above board don’t need a dozen lawyers to tell him tell him if he’s ethical or not. The more lawyers a man requires to tell him if he’s honest, the more certain you can be that he ain’t.

But it’s no big surprise. This week they trapped a Republican. Won’t be long till they grab a Democrat, soon as they can find one that’s actually received any contributions.

I promised to give you a plan for New Orleans. And I’ll get to it next time. The mud has to dry out a bit before you can work it anyhow.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Democrats and Republicans are equally corrupt; it’s only in the amount where the Republicans excel.” undated notes

On this one, Will was not referring to the challenge facing our Senators voting on Supreme Court nominees, but it applies: “We only get to vote on some person; we never get to vote on what he is to do.” Saturday Evening Post, April 30, 1932

# 380, Sept 24, 2005

COLUMBUS: Those folks along the Gulf coast sure didn’t need another hurricane. Texas was ready for it, and they left town, or tried to till the roads filled with parked cars. Even Louisiana learned a lesson from Katrina and there was no one left below sea level when Rita hit the shore. Worst of the wind is over, but if it rains for 3 more days keep your boat gassed up. At least the Mississippi River is low and in need of more water.

You’ve been hearing all about the cities, but flooding hurt the farmers, too. Cotton and soybeans got ruined on thousands and thousands of acres. It’s extra painful for a farmer to have a crop full grown and ready for the picker and see it drowned or flattened by wind. Katrina cost ’em over a billion dollars, and Rita will likely add at least a half billion to the bill.

In Louisiana they say we’re not sending enough soil down the Mississippi to replenish their coastline. Now, we’ve been sending our topsoil down there for centuries, and our farmers have decided they would rather keep it up here in the Midwest and use it themselves. You go back in history far enough you’ll find the lower half of Louisiana was under water, and it was only the generosity of the upper Mississippi River and all its tributaries that contributed a sufficient amount of mud to build it up to where real estate salesmen could persuade a man to build a house on it.

Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns was in Ohio Tuesday. Said he was here to listen to farmers, and he did, too. He talked for ten minutes then sat there and let the farmers talk for two hours. The young folks asked him to make it easier for them to get started in farming, but none of the old farmers offered to take less for their land.

Farmers in favor of soil conservation say they would prefer to receive a few dollars to help buy no-till machinery rather than getting a tax subsidy of a few cents a bushel for their crops. If Mr. Johanns follows up on that one, Louisiana may have to use their own top soil to raise their coastline.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(Note: on this one just substitute Louisiana for Florida)

“We have been awful lax on that Florida situation. You see it just got worse and worse, and there wasent the response that there should have been. It don’t show a very healthy condition when we get in the condition that we are thinking more about politics than we are about the down and out of our own people. You see Florida was unfortunate in that it was the second time the same territory had needed help. It was just the psychology of the thing, helping the same fellow twice… It was not that it was Florida’s fault, but human nature is a funny thing and the minute something happened down there they begin to think what they had given to the same State (previously).
But my Lord it might happen to any community a dozen times and that would not lessen the need. They have had hard luck down there and they don’t deserve it.” WA #302, Oct. 7, 1928

Folks, my friend R. Alan Smith of Arizona emailed me about a wonderful article, written by Martha Groves in the Los Angeles Times this morning: Roping In a Legacy. The link below takes you right to it, and it has a well-done video also. It’s about Will and how the state of California is refurbishing the house and barn at the Will Rogers State Park near Santa Monica. (It works good on a high speed connection; not too sure about a slow one.)
Will Rogers was the most beloved American of his day. His memory, like his ranch, has faded, but family and fans are working on both.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-willrogers14sep14,0,1092418.story?track=tothtml

My own comments are short this week, because I want you to read what all Will wrote about the 1927 flood. This is quite a bit longer than usual, but you will be amazed how his commentary parallels some of the opinions you are reading in newspapers today.

Weekly Comments: Louisiana, continued
# 379, Sept 14, 2005

COLUMBUS: I got a lovely letter following my comments last week, from a fellow who’s dad and grandparents were in the middle of the 1927 flood. He wrote: “I have a picture somewhere of my Dad standing in a flat boat next to his Dad and Mom’s farmhouse in the flood 1927. He could not even paddle in, much less walk in, because the water was 8 or 10 inches from the top of the windows. My Aunts and Uncles and Dad told us about that flood when we were kids.” He gave me quite an education about how tough and resilient Louisiana folks are, and an inkling of who might deserve some of the blame for actions in the years since 1927 that led to this present day catastrophe. I’ll let you read a bit more of it next week, if he’ll allow it, because it is not the same as what you see today.

The President will go on television tomorrow night, probably announcing what he would do different for the next Hurricane. I don’t want to interfere with anything he might say, but I have heard we will give New Orleans at least $100 Billion for relief.

For that you ought to be able to buy New Orleans, at least the part below sea level. In fact if we’re going to spend it, that would be a great idea because you would only have to spend it once. For a family living in a $50,000 house below sea level, it will cost at least $100,000 to rebuild it, and the next hurricane it’ll get flooded again and cost us $150,000. So let’s buy it once, and let it fill with water. We’ll at least have the pleasure of knowing somebody can go fishing on our investment.

Now we know these folks want to go right back where they lived, and who can blame them. But let’s make sure where they build is above water level, even if they have to move a mile or two uphill from the old homestead. Anybody that insists on living below sea level, let ’em rebuild in Death Valley or Holland. I ain’t being cruel or cold-hearted, and next week I’ll give you more of the plan to get them above sea level.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (continued from last week, on the 1927 Mississippi River flood)

The first two are “Daily Telegrams”, written June 1 and 2, 1927.

(June 1) “This whole valley’s appreciation to all the rest of the United States is wonderful. I am not going to tell you about the show and how much we got until tomorrow, but it will beat any benefit given for the cause anywhere. Thanks to friends from all over America for checks.

Hoover has done a wonderful work down here. Tomorrow I am flying all over the new part where the water has broken through and is still rising. Just saw today the cut they made to save the city and saw the refugees. If you could see this you would double your donations. Remember, we are a million and a half shy yet.”

BATON ROUGE, La., June 2. “I have flew over more water today than Lindbergh did, only this had housetops sticking out of it. New Orleans broke the record with their benefit last night. Forty-eight thousand dollars! That’s more than double any other one given, anywhere. They know the needs of it here. Want to tell you more about it and who all sent checks in an early Sunday article. Thanks everybody.”

Will wrote three “Weekly Articles” that focused largely on the flood. These articles were typically published a week or two after he wrote them.

WA #230, published May 8, 1927

“I tell you about the best way to judge these calamities is to trust the judgment of the Red Cross. They are a wonderful body of people, above all politics. They generally know the real needs of the people. That is the real needs of the poor people.

I don’t really believe that 80 or 90 per cent of the people realize just what flood disaster means, and what type of people it is that lost most by this particular horror. An Earthquake, a Fire, a Tornado, or anything like that is over in a few minutes. You know what you lost and you know what you got left. But look at this particular flood we have been reading of it for over 6 weeks. If your house burns out in the country you can run over to some one else’s and stay, but with this when yours go your neighbor’s go too.

The poorest class of people in this country is the renter farmer, or the ones that tends the little patch of ground on shares. He is in debt from one crop to the other to the store keeper, or the little local bank. He never has a dollar that he can call his own.

Then when you talk about poor people that have been hit by this flood, look at the thousands and thousands of Negroes that never did have much, but now it’s washed away. You don’t want to forget that water is just as high up on them as it is if they were white. The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color you are you require about the same amount of nourishment.

What gets my Goat is hearing constantly, “Why don’t those people move out of there? There are floods every year.” How are they going to move? Who is going to move ’em? Where are they going to move to, and what are they going to do when they move there? Why don’t you move? Maybe you could do better some place else. That’s the trouble with us. It’s why don’t everybody do something but us. Wait till a calamity hits where you are, and then they can ask, “Why don’t you move?””

WA #231, published May 15

“I got a wire from a very influential club in New Orleans saying: “The Government has cut our levee at our expense and overflowed five counties, so that the SEWERAGE from Chicago, Kansas City, St. Louis and Memphis can get past Canal Street here in New Orleans.” I wonder if there ain’t a bit of truth in that statement. Even a town where people live on top of a hill they are not allowed to just throw everything out of their doors and let it roll down the hill on to the people that live at the bottom on the level ground.

Well I see where they are going to take it up in Congress when it meets in December, so that means that while next year’s re-occurrence of this flood is devastating the country, why the sufferers will at least have the consolation that Congress is “thinking and talking about them anyway.” There will be bills introduced in there to regulate the rainfalls. Some will suggest moving the river over in to some other Senator’s state. Some will suggest letting it empty into the Grand Canyon where the levees on each side are high enough now without rebuilding them. Someone will introduce a bill to have the river run up hill so it won’t go so fast.

But the people down there better not put too much dependence in Congress. They can grow web feet quicker than Congress will relieve ’em. If I was them, I would make my next house a house boat. But Congress might fool us, and let us all hope and pray they will, for if anybody ever needed help it’s those people down there.”

WA #236, published June 19, 1927

“I last wrote you when I was going into New Orleans to give the benefit. Well, sir, it would have done your heart good to have seen how the whole city did cooperate on that little performance. All three papers helped wonderfully, and all the people of the town. We got 48 thousand dollars, that’s the most any benefit has raised anywhere in America. It’s over twice as much. They are fine people down there and they know the need of the money being raised. The flood at no time was in New Orleans, but it was in great danger at one time.

So now everybody’s thoughts are on having the government settle on some policy where it will never occur again. The next day [June 2] I went up to Baton Rouge and met a lot of the men who were responsible for the great work done in the rescue. They were through and scattering to their various army assignments. Major Gotwals, and Major McCoy, two who had done especially heroic work, both said they had never in all their army experience seen everybody and everything work together like they did in this work. You see there was about a half dozen different branches of the Government service there, Army, Navy, Naval Aviation, Army Aviation, Coast Guard, Rum Runner Boats, Geological Survey Forces. They all pitched in and worked, no matter who the orders come from. The National Guard also did great work.

It sure does make you proud of our men in the service when you see what they can really do. We don’t have as many, in our service as lots of them, but I tell you we have a very high class bunch of men. And the Red Cross, that just almost goes without saying. We are so used to the things that they do that we sometimes just forget to praise them. But this time they outdid themselves. It was the biggest thing since the war, and they were on the ground and just in a couple of weeks feeding and housing and caring for as many as six hundred thousand. And I want to tell you they were cared for, too.

I went through some of the camps, both whites and colored ones, and it would have made you feel that every dollar you gave went right where it belonged. Lord, what a blessing an organization like that is. I would have rather originated the Red Cross than to have written the Constitution of the U.S. Hoover can run for President and be elected down there, even over a Democrat. He did wonderful work. But that’s why he is not a politician. He is too competent. Something big comes along; we look to Hoover to do it. Some little sorter half dirty work comes along; we look to a politician to do it.

A Navy flier took me for hundreds of miles over nothing but a sea of water and housetops. If you have never seen a flood you don’t know what horror is. These fliers were real heroes. They flew all over the tops of those swamps, locating people for the boats to get. Planes proved their worth, right in that flood.

Now the argument has started. What to do to give permanent relief down there. The cry of those people down there is, “We don’t want relief and charity; we want protection.” … Course if it ever gets into Congress, I would just as soon try to swim upstream against the flood as to be in the hands of Congress. For every old Senator will want to tack his little flood or power bill of his little river onto this one so he can get it through.

Spillways is the only thing they can build, so these smartest of Government Engineers told me. They can’t get the levees any higher and save it. They have to put in some way of relieving the river of part of the water. It’s got to be done. It’s the biggest thing before the country today. Course we are liable to have to cut down on ammunition expenditures in Nicaragua and China. But it looks like saving and protecting some of our own is better than trying to shoot somebody else, especially when we have to go so far to get to shoot at ’em.

But the flood has been a great lesson to us. The people have done their part, now it’s up to the Government to do theirs. But if you want to get some comedy, wait till they start in suggesting what to do. One fellow seriously wants to bore holes in the bottom of the river and let the water out. Another one wants to dig a ditch alongside of the river and run the extra back into the Great Lakes. He had it all (figured out) with the possible exception of the water running up hill.“

# 378, Sept 6, 2005

COLUMBUS: Now I ain’t one to jump into this New Orleans mess and pass judgement. Like all of you, my heart goes out to the people directly affected in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama, and to the families of the National Guard, Coast Guard and all others who rushed there to help. Nobody deserves a bigger thanks than Texas. Here they are taking in thousands and thousands of people, and they’re all Democrats. At least they were when they left New Orleans. If they hang around Houston, George and Barbara may get ’em to vote Republican.

Here is a fact, as best I remember it: It was 13 days ago that a gigantic hurricane was forecast to take dead aim on New Orleans some 4 or 5 days hence. That extremely accurate prediction was made by an agency of the United States government, so don’t go laying all the blame on the Feds.

All I know is what I read in the newspaper. The Times-Picayune reports that as a result of a big hurricane New Orleans is flooded, poor people are stranded and hungry and clinging to rooftops, and chaos rules. Of course that was in the paper three years ago, but nobody at City Hall bothered to read it, even if they could read. Blame the editor for not putting in more pictures.

Yesterday the Governor said it was ok with her if policemen “shoot to kill” the criminals instead of just writing ’em a ticket. Today the Mayor ordered the evacuation of everybody in New Orleans. He says the President was 4 days late leaving Crawford, but he’s got to explain why he was 12 days late with the forced evacuation. Tonight the sniping, whining and looting moved from Louisiana to Congress.

If you want a hint as to where the responsibility lies, ask this question of the Mayor and Governor: “If you go back to August 24, and do it all over again, what would you do different?”

Well, I bet you their answer would be as follows: “First, immediately we would get school bus drivers to pick up the families of every New Orleans policeman and fireman, and take them to Shreveport out of harms way. At the same time we would order the policemen to round up every criminal, – either known, suspected or paroled – disarm them and deliver them, along with current jailbirds, to the nearest state prison for safe keeping. Any school buses left over would be used to gather the families of city officials, – at least the essential ones who weren’t taken off in the previous group – and deposit them in a safe, upstate location. Firemen would be dispatched to every store that sells or handles guns and ammunition of any type, confiscate them and haul them to a secure, undisclosed location. We’ll do all that the first day. The second day we empty the hospitals and nursing homes and take them to available medical facilities in Louisiana and Texas.

“That leaves us 2 days to get everybody else out of town. Oh, we forgot to tell you, to be absolutely certain it would happen just as we have described it, we would turn the whole operation over to General Honore.”

Historic quotes by Will Rogers: (on the Mississippi River flood of 1927)

The following quotes are from Daily Telegrams numbered from 236 to 267…(April 25) “I don’t believe our people that have never been around a flood area realize the tremendous need of these sufferers down on the Mississippi. It’s by far the worst thing that has happened in this country in years. A fire don’t start to do the damage that a flood does. We have helped every nationality in the world. Now we have a chance to help the poorest people we have in America, and that is the renter farmer.

Most of the people need help, even when there is no flood, but they have always been too proud to ask for it. Mr. Ziegfeld has generously given me his wonderful new theater in New York City, and I am going to put on my little one-man dogfight for this great cause next Sunday night. So even if you don’t like cowboy gum chewers on the stage, come anyway and help out a real cause. They will get every cent that comes in.”

(April 26) “What the whole country has got to do is wake up and give. These people are going to need assistance for months.”

(April 28) “There’s hundreds of thousands of people being driven from their homes homes that won’t be there when they come back. These poor people have never harmed a soul.”

(May 1) “(President) Coolidge is going to make another Red Cross appeal for more funds. Don’t stop at your quota. This is the biggest need we ever had in this country.”

(May 2) “Well, our benefit turned out fine. We got $17,950, and more checks still coming in. Want to try to thank everybody from all over the country that helped out. Now don’t slack on this stuff because New Orleans is out of danger. That doesn’t alter the need of those hundreds of thousands of others who will have to be supported.”

(May 3) “Just speeding along the old Hudson River the last three hours. I was thinking how many millions and millions of dollars would be raised overnight if it was out of its banks and doing the same amount of damage that the old Mississippi is. Makes a lot of difference where a thing happens.”

(May 13) “I am tired of reading about ‘our town has reached its quota of flood relief funds.’ There isn’t any quota! A new break is reported every day and thousands more are in need. If you were hungry and some one gave you a sandwich would you have your quota? Can that quota gag and keep on working!”

(May 25) “Another levee broke today; another hundred thousand standing on the banks. Don’t forget that when you eat your big dinner and sleep in a nice dry bed tonight.”

(May 27) “I hate to keep digging on it, but we still have 600,000 of our own whose homes are now floating toward Nicaragua. We can’t seem to get the Government interested in them financially. I wish you would send some checks to the Red Cross of New Orleans. I am going there next Wednesday night, June 1, to give a benefit, and it already has more money assured than any one given in any part of the country. Why? Because they are right there and they know the needs of the people. If 600,000 people had lost their all and were being fed by charity in the East they would raise fifty million in a day. Come on, let’s help them, even if they are not Armenians. They can’t help it because of their nationality.”

(May 29) “Didn’t I tell you Saturday that there were 600,000 people needing help? And that it would take more money than they had asked for? Now today (Secretary of Commerce) Herbert Hoover says there are 700,000, and he is asking for only 2,000,000 more dollars. This whole thing has been underestimated from the start. Why not ask for some real sum? It couldn’t be too high. Remember Wednesday night to send a check to the New Orleans Red Cross. We want to break all records at that benefit.”

(May 30) “On my way to New Orleans tonight for the benefit. Send some money.”

[more next week]

As I write this on Sunday afternoon, if you have been watching the News, you know that “Catastrophe Katrina” is about to hit New Orleans and a broad strip of the Gulf Coast.

“Weekly Comments” is written as of Saturday morning (yesterday) while we were still on the American Queen. We spent much of Saturday touring New Orleans, including the French Quarter, Jackson Park, and the river front which has been shown frequently on newscasts today. We flew home to Ohio last night.

In case you are wondering, the American Queen was scheduled to depart Saturday evening with a new group of excited steamboaters, and I’m guessing they have revised the schedule and will keep on rollin’ up the river as rapidly as possible to minimize the danger.

Like you, we fear the worst for New Orleans and the other coastal areas, but we pray for a miracle.

Regardless of the intensity of the Hurricane Katrina, there will be a great need for relief for families who are displaced (or worse). If anybody wants to put on a fundraiser to help with the relief effort, and you think the presence and entertainment of “Will Rogers” can aid the cause and pull in a few thousand dollars, let me know.

Randall

Louisiana and Iraq’s Constitution draw Will’s attention

# 377, August 27, 2005

ABOARD THE AMERICAN QUEEN: For the second time this month, we had a wonderful time on this big sternwheeler. If you ever want a great audience for old-fashioned comedy get on stage on one of these steamboats. For this particular round trip from New Orleans, we got upriver as far as Vicksburg. Other times the American Queen starts and stops at places such as St. Louis, St. Paul, Cincinnati and Pittsburgh.

Spent a day at Baton Rouge, Huey Long’s home ground. Toured the Capitol Building that Huey designed himself while he was Governor. It’s a skyscraper, and they told me it has more marble than any other building. It took only 14 months to build, and cost $5 million in1932. On the 27^th floor is an observation deck on the outside that goes all the way around. I think that was to let Huey look out over his subjects.

Politics and Louisiana are synonymous; you can’t talk about state politics anywhere in this country without Louisiana politics entering the conversation. And Huey’s name is usually at the center of it.

In 1970 the Louisiana Senate was ready to vote on a bill to let men work without joining a union. So a half dozen members of one union decided to protest, and in a fashion that’s rare even in Louisiana politics, they set off a dynamite blast. Inside the Senate chamber. It went off in the middle of the night and pretty much destroyed the inside of the chamber, doing millions of dollars of damage. It was intended to go off during the day while the Senators were voting. Their lives were saved only because those boys were ignorant on how to correctly set a clock. The Senate chamber was restored to its original grandeur, with only one piece of evidence of the blast: a pencil was embedded in the ceiling about forty feet above the floor, and it’s still there.

All I know is what I read in the newspaper. Everybody is frustrated that Iraq can’t agree on a Constitution. They been working on it for a couple of years. Now just imagine, if we didn’t have a Constitution and we had to start writing one from scratch. Why, it would take 20 years, and you still wouldn’t have agreement between Pat Robertson and Ted Kennedy.

Gas prices are up $0.73 since last year. You can’t blame that on the Democrats. Remember, they wanted to raise the price by only $0.50, and got voted down.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

[Note: Huey Long was one of Will’s favorite “characters”, and Will referred to him more than 60 times in his newspaper columns and radio programs. Below are two of them. Huey Long was Governor from 1928-32, and a Senator from 1932 till his death in Sept.1935, just a month after Will died. His goal in life was to become President. Sen. Long was assassinated in a hallway in the Louisiana Capitol and you can stand on that spot and read about it. He is buried on the Capitol grounds.]

“That Huey Long episode in our history like to took up as much of our political historical space as anything George Washington did. Huey made the boys a few preliminary remarks that lasted well into the latter part of January. Huey had it in for Carter Glass [who sponsored] a very sound banking bill. Certainly knows what one should be. Then right in the midst of it to hear somebody crashing right through the Louisiana cane breaks with an arm load of adjectives that it would take a good strong voiced man a month to dispose of. Why naturally that was dumbfounding to the sensibilities of a man of the Carter Glass type.

But you can’t blame Huey near as much as you can blame the system that allows a prolonged thing like that…. I was a hoping that Huey might be the means of getting a rule like that changed. I’ll bet you another one or two of those Filibusters break out before this session is over. This Huey Long spree of consonants and vowels that he excelled in, why it’s not the first one in the Senate by any means. Somebody is always trying to talk a bill to death in there. But Huey killed the bill and wounded the Senate.” WA #527, Jan. 29,1933

“I hate to report any short-comings in one of my heroes, but Huey is going back. Imagine only being able to talk sixteen hours [in a filibuster]. Why before he was fattened by the luxury of senatorial life, he would have talked right on into July.

But at that he pulled the biggest and most educational novelty ever introduced in the Senate. He read ’em the Constitution of the U. S. A lot of ’em thought he was reviewing a new book.” DT # 2763, June 13, 1935.