Category: Uncategorized

Oprah steals the Presidential campaign show

COLUMBUS: The big campaign news this week is not Romney’s speech, or Huckabee’s prayers or Clinton’s drivers license plan for Mexicans. No, the big news is Oprah.

She spoke to 20,000 in Iowa, then 75,000 in South Carolina, with another stop planned in New Hampshire. If all those folks vote in the primary it’ll set a new record.

Oprah made quite an impression with her speeches, broadcast live on national television. And she has already affected the presidential polls. There’s a new Number 2 in Iowa and South Carolina: Oprah Winfrey.

After her Iowa speech a woman walked out of the building beaming, “Seeing Oprah in person was such a thrill, but I don’t recognize the man she kept talking about. What happened to Stedman?”

When Sean Penn heard that Oprah was going to campaign for Senator Obama, he started calling up the other candidates, to let ’em know he’s available. Clinton said “no thanks”, Edwards said “no”, Richardson, “no”, Biden “hell no”. Finally, he got a yes, from Dennis Kucinich. At their first appearance together, 13 people showed up, including one with a cell phone video camera.

The CIA is used to doing the grilling, but today they’re the ones on the hot seat. Seems they videotaped an interrogation of one of the terrorists, and then burned the tape. Now I ain’t meaning to get in the middle of an argument between the CIA and Congress, but it appears Congress wants to know if the terrorists were tortured, and the CIA just wanted to keep the video off YouTube. The question Congress ought to be asking is, “What did the terrorists tell you, and where is Bin Ladin?” Then let the CIA get back to business, whatever that is. Keeping an eye on Ahmadinejad in Iran is not a bad idea, even if he says he had no interest in a nuclear bomb.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“While I had my head turned and wasn’t on the radio, Hitler broke out on me. I thought I had him covered. Hitler broke out on me and tore up the Versailles Treaty. It wasn’t a good treaty, but it was the only one they had. And he tore it up. They was a year making it, and he tore it up in about a minute.” Radio broadcast, March 31, 1935

Note: Hitler’s action appalled the French and British, but they did nothing except lodge protests and start negotiations with Germany on nonaggression pacts.

Will finds football and politics unpredictable

COLUMBUS: Columnists don’t often make good prognosticators, but two weeks ago I nailed it with my prediction on college football: “You can expect more upsets. Nothing has been as predictable this year as unpredictability. If your team isn’t ranked near the top, why you’re fortunate.”

The bowl games chose up sides Sunday night. Louisiana State and Ohio State drew the long straws so they get to play in the so-called BCS championship game. At least a half dozen other teams claim they are just as deserving, and they’re probably right.

When it comes to these big bowl games, I’m betting on the underdog.

If the elections in Iowa and New Hampshire are as surefire as college football games, why don’t be shocked if there’s an upset or two. If Pitt can win, why not Kucinich. In Iowa polls, Clinton and Romney were leading two weeks ago, now it’s Obama and Huckabee. By Christmas it may be Richardson and Thompson.

If you want a predictable election go to Russia. Their polls are never wrong. Hugo Chavez in Venezuela is trying to learn from Russia, but his election Sunday was more like Florida’s than Russia’s, kind of a tossup. Chavez is determined to replace Castro as our Chief Annoyer south of the border. Only difference between ’em is that Castro has sugar and Chavez has oil. We’re gluttons for sugar, but we’re practically starved for oil.

Speaking of gluttons, I read in the newspaper where the Surgeon General wants Santa Claus to go on a diet. The way the economy is goin’, with gas prices and mortgage rates, the whole country will be slimmer this Christmas. If Santa is willing to work off a few pounds I’ll join him. We can probably round up a few others with excess flesh to shed.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Say that Venezuela is quite a country. They have a fellow named Gomez…and he really runs it. They might call him a dictator, but they are the only ones that seem to get anything done in these times.” DT #1477, April 17, 1931

Football rivals and Presidential candidates

COLUMBUS: College football is wrapping up. Teams like to save their biggest rival till the end of the season. Almost everybody has a favorite match up. Here, Ohio State beat Michigan again to end the Big Ten season.

Your school may have another game or two before the Bowl games begin. You can expect more upsets. Nothing has been as predictable this year as unpredictability. If your team isn’t ranked near the top, why you’re fortunate.

Before we even crown a college football season champion, the political season has it’s first battle in Iowa. Iowa kinda lost interest in football this fall, so they’re tuning in early to the Presidential candidates. New Hampshire never did have much interest in football, so politics is a year-round sport.

Did you see the Presidential debate on CNN from Las Vegas? None of these debates are good for the candidates. There’s too many up there; by the time one finishes talking you’ve forgotten the question, and after each one gets a turn, you forgot what any of ’em said. Instead of televising it nationally whatever was said in Las Vegas should have stayed in Las Vegas. Except Joe Biden; he got a few laughs. Some others drew laughs, just not on purpose.

Last week I told you about the drought in the Southeast and Congress passing a water bill. Well, the Georgia governor called a meeting to pray for rain, right there in the Capitol Building. Some said he shouldn’t do that, you know, praying on state property. But it did rain, so even the critics had to admit it more likely came from the Almighty than from Congress.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The football season is about over. Education never had a more financial year. School will commence now. Successful colleges will start laying plans for new stadiums; unsuccessful ones will start hunting a new coach.” DT #414, Nov. 20, 1927

Weekly Comments: Writers on strike; Congress provides the comedy

COLUMBUS: Congress passed a bill to spend $23 Billion on water. The Senate voted to spend 11 Billion and the House voted to spend 12, so they compromised on spending 23. See, that’s the way they work in there; compromise means asking every Congressman and Senator what he wants, then giving it to him. Nobody asked the taxpayers.

Our southeastern states are drying up, and this bill promises Billions of dollars for ’em, but no water. Building another dam won’t help if there’s no water running into it. A week of soaking rains would do ’em more good than all the water bills Congress can pass in a year. Seems you just can’t get a good hurricane when you need one.

Prospects don’t look too good for rain the next few months. Something called La Nina is gonna keep that whole region dry. If this drought spreads to the Midwest, it’ll be even worse. Oil over $100 a barrel, and all that corn we’re counting on to replace it might wither in the dust.

The writers for television have been on strike for a week. Viewers accustomed to getting their news from Jay Leno and the other late-night shows are turning to their morning newspaper. You know, that’s where those Hollywood writers get their ideas, so why not read all the news and write your own jokes.

Say, have you been reading that Alley Oop comic strip? If your newspaper don’t carry it, you can find it on the internet at: http://comics.com/comics/alleyoop. For the past month or so Oop has teamed up with another hero you’ll recognize, solving a mystery from a hundred years ago.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

   “This day is no doubt the greatest day in all the world history. Armistice Day, when you think that a half dozen men could sit down and casually sign a pact to stop millions of men from killing each other. But if they don’t stop these guys making these speeches over the radio on Armistice Day, why we are liable to have the same war over again, only worse. If Armistice Day had stopped speeches, it would have done more good than to have stopped war, for speeches is what starts the next war. It’s not armament, it’s oratory that’s wrong with this country.” DT #1028, Nov. 11, 1929

“I just got back from Washington D.C. (Department of Comedy)… Most people and actors appearing on the stage have some writer to write their material, but I don’t do that. Congress is good enough for me. They have been writing my material for years.
Now, they wouldn’t be so serious and particular if they only had to vote on what they thought was good for the majority of the people of the U.S. That would be a cinch. But what makes it hard for them is every time a bill comes up they have a million things to decide that have nothing to do with the merit of the bill. The principal thing is of course, ‘What will this do for me personally back home?’ A man’s thoughts are naturally on his next term, more than on his country… If we could just send the same bunch of men to Washington for the good of the nation, and not for political reasons, we could have the most perfect government in the world.
So all in all I had a very pleasant visit in Washington, found that with all my kidding and knocking our public men, they all seemed to be my friends, It’s only when they are actually in action and serious that they are funny. Off the stage they are the finest bunch I ever met.” WA #78, June 8, 1924

Oklahoma celebrates centennial sooner

CLAREMORE, Okla.: There’s something about a birthday that draws attention, whether it’s a state turning 100, or a man reaching 128. Oklahoma’s been celebrating a Centennial all year, even though they don’t officially reach 100 ’til November 16. Oklahoma has had so much fun with this Centennial I propose they keep on going and celebrate the 101st in the same manner. In fact every state ought to find something to celebrate every year or two.

As for “my” birthday (Nov. 4), I tried to keep it quiet, but they kept announcing it in the papers and on television. The party started Friday morning with the Oologah second graders singing at the old ranch house, then a parade in Claremore Saturday afternoon, and it ended with Garth Brooks in Tulsa. The Pocahontas Club, which the Cherokee girls started in 1899, also held their usual delightful ceremony at the Memorial. All this attention is kind of embarrassing, but I guess I’ll hang around for the next one.

Oklahoma had other excitement this week. They put in force a law against hiring or helping illegal immigrants and it has caused quite a ruckus and legal haggling. But according to the newspapers, the main effect of the new law is that most of ’em have left of their own accord. This last item should be of interest to those in other states who say we can’t possibly deport 12 million people. See, you let the word out you’re serious about illegal immigration, and they kinda deport themselves.

Now I know there’s some good folks among ’em. They work hard and don’t like to be called illegal, even though they jumped the gun instead of waiting in line to be let in legally. In Oklahoma there’s a name for those folks. It’s a peculiar name that goes back 120 years and is still held in ill repute across most of the state (at least among the cowboys). This strange name was stuck on those who illegally jumped the gun weeks ahead of the famous Land Runs. Rather than wait, they sneaked in “Sooner”.

So I propose that all these millions of folks who sneaked into this country illegally be hereafter called Sooners. The ones in New York, when they get their driver’s license they will given a license plate holder for their car that says in red letters, Sooner Schooner. In California there’s so many Oklahoma Sooners that moved there during the Depression these new Sooners will fit right in. Now Texas is different. All illegals will clear out of there pronto, because nobody in Texas will ever admit to being a Sooner.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There is nothing in the world like home. You can roam all over the World, but after all, it’s what the people at home think of you that really counts.” WA #128, May 24, 1925

Wild fires, politicians and World Series compete for attention

COLUMBUS: If you’ve been watching those television reports, it looks like half of southern California was on fire. Those Santa Ana winds come every year or two and in the old days they didn’t do much harm. Then real estate agents started selling “recently cleared” hillsides as prime property with a view.

Idaho and Montana had ten times as many acres burn but you don’t see much about it.

Santa Monica, and the 200-acre parcel there known as the Will Rogers Ranch, has escaped the fires, at least up to now. Actually it’s a State Park, and the state of California just spent $5 million renovating the old house and barns. So I figure in case any wild fire even comes close, Governor Schwartzenegger will be out there driving a tractor to plow most of the 200 acres as a fire break.

If these folks insist on building houses where fires are an annual event, as predictable as hurricanes in Florida and tornados in Kansas, they better stop using kindling as the primary construction material. On these steep hillsides use concrete and dig ’em back in underground. Maybe leave enough of the flat roof sticking out for a couple of lawn chairs. That might even work in the next round of disaster news from California with rain and mudslides. But I ain’t no expert on it, and if somebody gave me a chance to live around San Diego I’d probably jump at it even if all I had was a pup tent and a hammock.

We had some excitement in Columbus last week: Rudy Guiliani and Barack Obama were both in town campaigning. I think they were trying to raise dollars more than votes. Only problem for them, with the All-American Quarter Horse Congress, Ohio State football, and the World Series, hardly anyone knew they were here.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Here is a suggestion that will help you all out of a lot of anxiety and anguish in case your town or district should be hit by some disaster. Run quick and turn off the radio, otherwise you will hear where your own home has been swept away by the flood, you have been lost in the fire and your husband kidnapped.
We had an earthquake here. That’s all we had (which was plenty) but that wasn’t enough news for the radio. They added ‘oil wells overflowing and on fire, a city burning to the ground’ and as a P.S., ‘a tidal wave coming in from the ocean.’ So, in case of disaster, run (don’t walk) to the nearest radio and turn it off, for they take delight in killing you, whether you have been killed or not.” DT #2069, March 22, 1933

“They say it’s wrong to buy votes, but you notice from the election returns [yesterday] that the fellows in Pennsylvania, and Illinois that bought the most, got elected. A bought vote is better than no votes at all. The counters can’t tell whether they are bought or just bargained for.” DT #73, Nov. 4, 1926

“…Why, you ask, did I want to locate an issue for the Democratic Party? I belong to neither party politically. Both parties have their good and bad times, only they have them at different times. They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in. I did it out of pure sportsmanship… I wanted to bring elections back where they occupied almost as much importance as the World Series.” May 1, 1926, Saturday Evening Post

“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that World Series is on.” DT #683, Oct. 3, 1928

The old Knife and Fork clubs appeal to Will

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I learn as I travel here and there across the country. Flew to Seattle to speak for my supper at one of those wonderful Knife and Fork dinner clubs in Olympia. Those clubs used to be the pride of every town fortunate enough to have one. Everybody would get dressed up formal, maybe 500 all together, go to dinner and listen to a prominent speaker.

Today there’s only a handful left, mainly just the old folks carrying on a tradition. Now wait a minute; I misspoke. They are not “just old folks”, they are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom and history, and you young folks would do well to pay attention to them. At the dinner I met a gentleman who knew personally an old friend of “mine”, Charles Russell, the great Cowboy Painter from Great Falls, Montana. Of course the man was a young boy at the time, but to listen to him talk of how this world famous artist and sculptor encouraged the local kids to draw, and then giving each one a booklet of his art. Now this happened more than 80 years ago, but he told it like it was last week. Others had great memories to share, too.

In political news, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize and announced he would NOT run for President. Steven Colbare, who failed to win an Emmy, said he IS running for President. He’s the only candidate whose platform will draw laughs purposely.

The TV news folks criticized this “comedy candidate plan” as a farce, and claim it will make our Presidential selection process appear foolish to the rest of the world. Yes, they’re afraid it will distort the current image of a sophisticated election process which features forty-some candidates debating in obscure locations and languages two years before the election.

Colbare is not the first humorist to mount a campaign for President, and I’ll be willing to lend him “my” Platform. See, I ran as the candidate of the Bunkless Party, and my slogan was, “If elected, I will resign.” I’m sure that slogan could draw just as many Convention delegates in ’08 as it did in ’28.

Iowa finally voted to move their Caucus to January 3. They delayed the decision until it became clear no team from Iowa would be playing in a Bowl game in January.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I was telling you about taking off in Seattle. Well she took off like a bird, with an awful short run and with about 260 gallons of gas. Seattle is awful pretty from the air, (well from anywhere), but with a sea plane that takes off from the water you are nearer the city and not so high as you would be if flying over it in a land plane.
Then you start above those channels, and Islands and lakes, and then out and up the Coast. If there is a prettier trip in the World than from Seattle to Alaska by what they call Inland Passage, I never saw it.” WA #663, written about Aug. 10, 1935

P. S. I’ll be in Oklahoma for a week, starting October 29 in Oklahoma City. Nov. 1 it’s Nowata, then Friday and Saturday at Oologah and Claremore.

It’s Columbus Day, but Indians and Cowboys win

COLUMBUS: Can you believe it’s Columbus Day? Our young historians can’t remember the exact date Columbus discovered America, but they’re sure it was on a Monday. That October day when Columbus waded ashore in the Carribean it may have been 90 degrees, but it took more than 500 years for it to reach 90 in Columbus, Ohio. At least in October.

There’s quite a few Indians that wonder why Columbus was ever allowed to land in the first place. Suppose we reversed it. Do you think in 1492 Queen Isabella would have ever let the Indians to sail past Gibraltar? Not a chance.

But in 2007 on Columbus Day the Indians won. Not only did they win, they beat the Yankees. Yes sir, it was the lowly Indians from Cleveland that drubbed the New York team most baseball folks picked to win the World Series.

The Indians won tonight, and so did the Cowboys. Of course that was the football Cowboys from Dallas, and they waited until the Indians won, then they kicked a field goal to beat my old friend, Buffalo Bill. Actually had to kick the ball twice for it to count. (If this sounds confusing, read the morning paper. They’ll set it straight for you.)

Well, enough about baseball and football. No wait, one more item. Saturday night Southern California invited Stanford down to Los Angeles for a college football game. Those Stanford boys may be smart but they plumb forgot they were supposed to lose by 40. Knocked off the so-called best team in the country, except maybe Louisiana State. And since it is Columbus Day, it’s fair to point out that Stanford used to be known as the Indians. The Stanford name was changed from Indians to Cardinal about the same time Columbus Day was moved from October 12 to Monday. Probably by the same well-meaning do-gooders.

That fellow who says he is running Iran (I can’t pronounce his name, let alone spell it), well, he figured his speech at Columbia University went over so good, he gave another talk and wants Israel to pick up and move, lock, stock and barrel, to either Canada or Alaska. Now this ain’t the first time it’s been suggested that countries move away from each other (see Historic Quotes). But it’s the first move ever proposed by a man backed by nuclear arms.

All and all, it ain’t such a bad suggestion. There’s parts of Canada, and even Alaska, where you could set Israel down in the wilderness, and it would be forty years before they found their way out. I doubt they would even want out.

I suggest a compromise: leave Israel where it is, and move the Iran president to a permanent Carribean Island home, a cozy little place called Gitmo.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:
“I’ve got a plan that’ll stop all wars. When you can’t agree with your neighbor you move away. Now that’s my plan. Move nations away from each other.

Take France and Germany. They can’t agree, so take France and trade places with Japan. Let Japan live there by Germany. If those two want to fight, let ’em fight. Who cares. We’d run excursions to a war like that.

We don’t always agree with Mexico. Well, trade Mexico off for Turkey, harems and all. Now we got men in this country that would get along great with Turkey.

And that would solve the Irish problem. Take England and move ’em away from Ireland. Take ’em over to Canada and let ’em live off their son-in-law. When you move England away from Ireland don’t you let Ireland know where you’re taking ’em, or they’ll follow ’em and get ’em.” From an early recording, circa mid-1920s. (Previously printed with Weekly Comments #226 in 2002)

Stock market rises while Congress lags

COLUMBUS: Congress has been working on a budget all year, and hasn’t passed the first appropriation bill. If you ask ’em, any Democrat will tell you government is essential and we can’t get along without it. Even most Republicans will agree.

Just suppose Congress was running Ford Motor Company. They would say, “We began assembling a car in January, and if you’re patient with us, it should be ready to drive off by Thanksgiving.” Odds are, whatever Appropriations Bill they finally agree on will emerge as a lemon.

The stock market set a new record today. Even farm commodity prices are high. If you own a few thousand shares of stock or have grain in the bin you’re not fretting over something as minor as a Congressional delay. Farmers would like to get a Farm Bill passed, but higher prices beats a government guarantee any day.

I read where Senator Clinton proposes giving $5000 to every baby born here. I’m confused as to why more young girls need an incentive to have a baby. Is there a shortage? Then tonight Britney Spears had her two babies taken away from her for incompetence.

Instead of giving ’em money, I propose giving all prospective moms an IQ test. Maybe check their Social Security card, and see if they have a marriage license. Now, many of you are saying, “That’s foolish; this is America and you can’t do that.” Of course you’re right; it is foolish. But no more foolish than promising them $5000.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.” DT #1770, March 22, 1932

“Tax relief, farm relief, flood relief, dam relief … none of these have been settled, but they are getting them in shape for consideration at the next session of Congress with the hope that those needing relief will perhaps have conveniently died in the meantime.” DT #557, May 9, 1928

“Corn is forty and fifty cents a bushel, but no farmer has any. He sold last fall and winter at fifteen cents.” DT #2113, May 12, 1933

Looking over the candidates and the airlines

COLUMBUS: Well, I’ve laid off the Presidential candidates for a few weeks. Not much has changed. According to the latest polls there is still more people running for President than there is paying attention to ’em.

Senator Clinton announced her health insurance plan. Says it will work just like automobile insurance; anybody that drives a car has to buy insurance. Sounds like a good plan, and it might work if everybody bought it. But if every driver has to have insurance, why does a portion of my insurance bill go to cover the “uninsured motorist”? Mrs. Clinton will have as much luck telling everyone to buy health insurance as the New Hampshire legislature does telling other states when to hold their primaries.

Fred Thompson joined the fray for the Republicans, and Newt Gingrich is inching closer to the sideline. If the Republicans can round up a couple more prospects they might yank out the whole first team and send in the backups.

For the Democrats, they still got so many players on the field there is no one on the bench ready to jump in, except maybe Sally Field. Did you see her on the Emmys? Her only mistake was announcing her campaign on Fox. After about fifteen seconds they cut her off. A lot of these Presidential contenders would be surprised how many viewers want to cut them off around ten. But you just watch, if Sally wants it Larry King will give her a full hour.

The airlines have caught a lot of flak this summer for cutting service and canceling flights, and a few deserve it. But on Southwest Airlines they run on time and they still serve the same food for breakfast, lunch and dinner as they did thirty years ag a bag of peanuts. Same drinks too. The only suggestion I have for improvement is in the gate area at the airport: instead of making you stand in line for the best seats on the plane, arrange the seats in the waiting area in three rows. That way you pick a seat in either the A, B, or C row, and that’s the sequence you get on the plane.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (80 years ago)

“The trouble with the Democrats is that they all want to run for President. If they had somebody on their side that would announce he didn’t choose to run, why he would be such a big novelty that he would be nominated by acclamation.” DT #355, Sept. 11, 1927

“I flew in a plane today piloted by [Charles] Lindbergh, from San Diego to Los Angeles. You have never seen him at his best till you sit out in the pilot’s seat by his side. When he has a plane in his hands there is no careworn or worried look. That’s when he is in his glory.

He brought eleven of us, including my wife, on a wonderful trip in a giant three- motored Ford plane. When Ford takes to the air, aviation is assured.” DT #365, Sept. 22, 1927