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# 375, August 10, 2005

COLUMBUS: Last week President Bush signed the Energy Bill, and oil shot up to $65 a barrel. This week he signed the Highway Bill for $286 Billion and people are asking what’s the use of building highways if you can’t afford to drive on ’em.

Even if we stop driving, you know who’s gonna to do the paying. Plus gratuity. Of the $286 Billion about $25 Billion is earmarked for the sole purpose of re-electing your Congressman, making 2006 the most expensive election campaign in history. Of the remainder a small portion is, in fact, set aside to build and improve our highways.

Alaska’s lone Congressman wrangled $230 million for a bridge. It’s gonna be named Don Young’s Way. Now here’s a sneak peek into Don Young’s Way of getting re-elected: he told Alaska, if you keep voting for me, next time I’ll get an even bigger and better appropriation, and we’ll build a road to the bridge. At both ends. And if that’s successful, and I eventually worm my way into the Senate, I’ll get the Army Corps of Engineers to construct a river under the bridge. If that works, we’ll bring in some water. Naturally we’ll need an enormous heating system for it. Otherwise it would be froze solid nine months of the year, and we can’t allow that. See, people would just drive across the river for free, with no apparent need for a bridge or a $230 million appropriation. And no apparent need for a Congressman Young.

Now this is not just Young’s way, most of them operate under the same system. In West Virginia a Congressman got $16 million for an “Appalachian Transportation Institute”. What Appalachia needs is not another institution; what they need is $16 million for asphalt.

Arkansas gets $3 million for “dust control mitigation” on rural roads. These Arkansas rural folks, just like the ones in West Virginia, know the real way to mitigate your dust is a layer of asphalt.

California’s Ronald Reagan Freeway is to get $2 million for flowers. If it was up to Mr. Reagan, don’t you think he would have called up a few dozen garden clubs and asked them to volunteer a couple of weekends a year to plant flower seeds along the road? Then he would send the $2 million back to the ones that paid it.

New York is to get half a million to fix up a warehouse on the Erie Canal. It seems today’s trains and airplanes are just too slow for New York’s shipping and storage needs.

Louisiana got a nice increase, but not as much as Huey Long could have wrung out of ’em.

In the past month or so I’ve been traveling quite a bit. I made four round trips on Northwest and Delta. Now that ain’t much travel for some of you, but I want you to know that all the flights were on time, no problems, and my luggage arrived at the same time I did. More good news, even the Space Shuttle had a perfect landing.

Delta Airlines is suffering a loss of capitalization, and I’m surprised some Georgia Congressman didn’t request an appropriation of a few million dollars so he could just buy the whole thing, lock, stock and 747’s. Delta’s gotta be worth more than a bridge.

They just caught those two Tennessee fugitives in a motel here in Columbus. Who says you’ve got to leave Ohio to find excitement.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“We cuss (Congress) and we joke about ’em, but they are all good fellows at heart; and if they wasent in that, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be worse.” Saturday Evening Post, July 24, 1926

# 374, August 3, 2005

ABOARD THE AMERICAN QUEEN: You folks have probably seen the Mississippi River, either from an airplane at 30,000 feet, or while driving across a bridge. But you can’t say you’re really acquainted with this river until you have been in the middle of it on a boat. Now I’m not making light of the floods of 1993 or 1927 or other years when people were wading in it ten miles from the shore.

I don’t have to sell you on the idea that this is a great river. Mark Twain already did that. What I am suggesting is the next time you think about going on a cruise in the Carribean, or Mediterranean or even the Nile, well, you might want to cruise in our own home waters first. You can’t find any home waters that’s more American than the Mississippi. After looking over this river from one end to the other, then you can explore the Ohio, or Missouri, or Tennessee or even the Tombigbee.

To give you an idea of the draw this American Queen has on folks, we had ’em from all over. California, Florida, Washington state, New Hampshire, Texas, Alabama, everywhere. June and July were the hottest on record in New England, yet we had folks from up there. Imagine a family sitting around the dining room table in New York or Boston a month ago and saying, where can we go for a week to escape this heat? Louisiana! One family has 22 members together for a reunion on the boat, and six days into it they’re all still speaking to each other and having a great time.

There’s a lot of comedy on this steamboat. You folks know I would never resort to bathroom humor, but the following two signs were, in fact, in the bathroom of every stateroom, on little placards. One said, “Conserve Water”. Say, aren’t we on a river? If this was a camel safari across the Sahara, of course I’d conserve water. The other one read (and I’ll let you ponder on this one yourself, without interruption), “Do not put anything in the toilet except toilet paper.”

This comedy, if any, belongs to the American Queen. This is not Rogers’ comedy. Now, of course we know what the signs mean, and we don’t mind using the same towel for a few days to save laundry water. And nobody is going to intentionally try to flush their cigarette butts, or baby diapers…, or Depends.

Speaking of conserving water, this mighty Mississip is mighty low. There’s a drought along most of the river and a lot of tributaries. Naturally there’s just as much water going out the lower end as ever, but not as much coming in. It’s harder for a boat this size to find a place to dock. At Vicksburg we had to pull in a few miles downriver and take a bus to the historic Civil War battlefield. In Natchez we got a good history lesson called “Southern Road To Freedom”, presented with passion and great music. St. Francisville has antebellum homes and Cajun Country flavor.

Well, if this dry weather continues into fall, they’ll have to put wheels under the barges. That would add a new meaning to the phrase, Rollin’ Down the River. Of course if it don’t rain, there won’t be much grain for those barges to haul.

Of course there’s a little news this week. The Highway bill, the Bolton appointment, steroid use by what everyone knows as a great baseball player up to now. And the Space Shuttle repairs being completed with the aid of duct tape. (Apparently they neglected to take along baling wire.) But all this news will have to wait till next week. The President and Congress are on break, so right there is the first good news of the month.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(The Mississippi) is a beautiful river (here at Davenport, Iowa). There is just as much water in it here as there is (farther downstream), but not as much mud. Down there it don’t flow; it just oozes along with just enough water in it to keep the mud moving.” WA #152, Nov. 8, 1925

(Will’s words are in bold; I added the rest to complete the story.)

In 1935 Irvin Cobb and I made a picture together called “Steamboat Round the Bend.” John Ford is the director. “In the story, we play steamboat captains, he and I, and we have a race. He is the captain of the Pride of Paducah, and I’m the admiral of the Claremore Queen. If this news gets back to Claremore that they had a big stern- wheeler named after ’em, it’ll be a surprise to them.

Irvin Cobb’s been on a riverboat before, and he’s kind of our technical director, too. He’s familiar with it. See, I was never on one of those things before, and he tells us how to act, and not to walk off when the thing has left the shore.

The movie is set on the Ohio River, just above where it empties into the Mississippi. But being Hollywood, we made the movie entirely in California. For the Steamboat race, we went up to Sacramento to work on the Sacramento River. We could have worked on the Los Angeles River, but they’d have had to haul the water too far.” Radio broadcast, May 19, 1935

# 373, July 28, 2005

HOYTVILLE, Ohio:  Last week I reminded you that for farmers, the relief they get from the sky is better than waiting for relief from Washington. Well, after going through a long dry spell, relief has arrived. A total of 6 inches of rain fell here in two weeks, so the crops have recovered and look mighty promising.

Now that don’t mean everybody got relief. There’s plenty of farms in this part of northwestern Ohio, and all across the Midwest that are still suffering. The rain clouds appear on the horizon, then just as they get close to your farm, they turn away.

About a hundred farmers gathered at this ag experiment station this evening to learn about fertilizer and tillage, and assorted bugs, weeds and other pests.

For some of you folks, spreading nitrogen on your lawn to keep it green is your only direct connection to fertilizer. And then you irrigate it to be sure you can’t go a week without mowing.

Well, these Ohio farmers don’t irrigate and they found out that about 100 to 125 pounds of nitrogen is all they need for good corn, as long as the rains come. Rain and other environmental conditions mainly determine how big the crop will be, not fertilizer.

And tillage doesn’t help. No-till did just as good for growing corn as a lot of tillage.

Farmers ain’t the only ones trying to solve their problems. NASA still can’t find a way to hold the foam to their fuel tanks. The big chunk that broke off didn’t appear to do any damage this time.

I reckon they have considered everything from Super Glue to Saran Wrap. But I bet they haven’t tried the one thing that’s been proven for at least a hundred years: baling wire. Any farmer could tell them: wrap those tanks with baling wire, and nothing will escape.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Just been prowling around up in this country with the farmers. They have about given up hope of getting farm relief and have decided to fertilize instead.” DT # 494, Feb. 26, 1928.

# 372, July 21, 2005

TAMPA, Fla: The news down here, besides the heat and John Roberts being nominated for Supreme Court, is turn signals. Florida has a new law that says you have to signal when you change lanes.

From now on, they’ll fine you a hundred dollars if you don’t turn on your signal. No word yet on the penalty for the even bigger problem in Florida, which is leaving it on.

Agricultural engineers and biological engineers are meeting here this week. Now, you may not know about the work of these engineers, but you sure know the benefits. Their organization, called ASABE, has almost 10,000 members in a hundred countries, and for almost a hundred years they have been working to make our supply of food more abundant, safer, and cheaper no matter where you live.

At the same time, they protect our water and air from pollution, and help farmers and ranchers improve the soil so folks a hundred years from now can still have an ample supply. Naturally, there’s plenty of scientists and others contributing, from the ones developing new seeds, to the food processors and folks working in grocery stores.

All these people together are making so much progress that our young folks in 20 or 30 years will expect food to be like music is today, just download it for free. They’ll figure out a way to get on the internet, log on and download their daily nourishment from PigglyWiggly.com, and store it, not on an Ipod but through a tube directly into their veins. That way they eliminate the inconvenience of shopping for groceries and even the trouble of chomping, chewing, and digesting. They’ll have to take up gum chewing to exercise their jaw bones.

Food’s nearly free already, compared to what it was 100 years ago. It’s kinda like the little doodads you see advertised as “free”, where you just pay small charge of $6.95 for shipping and handling. With food, you pay for shipping and handling, and then the shippers and handlers pay a small percentage to the farmers to cover the cost of producing the raw materials they’re shipping and handling.

The Tampa Tribune says Florida will pay more for hurricane insurance. Home owners up north say they are tired of subsidizing the cost of folks rebuilding their houses on the beach every time a hurricane hits. Of course there’s tornados, but not so often, and floods, but these northerners say they don’t intentionally build a half-million dollar house on a river bank.

It’s hot in Tampa, but even hotter in the our southwestern states. And farmers from Texas to the Great Lakes are still suffering from drought. Of course those folks are accustomed to some inconvenience and are optimistic they’ll eventually get rain to relieve them.

Say, here’s some good news, and it was a long time coming. From now on, July 23 will be celebrated as the National Day for the American Cowboy. So put on your boots and Stetson hat, build a campfire, and sing some cowboy songs by the moonlight. Even if you don’t have a horse, and you’ve never roped a Longhorn steer, it’ll give you a thrill because there’s a little bit of cowboy in all of us.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“TAMPA, Fla.: One thing about farmers’ relief: It can’t last long, for the farmers ain’t got much more to be relieved of.
(signed) A farmer that knows,
Cocklebur Rogers” (DT #167, Feb. 11, 1927)

“Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.” DT #2445, June 4, 1934

“There is not a better day in the world to be spent than with a lot of wise old cowmen around (a campfire with) barbecued beef, black coffee and good (re-fried) beans.” DT #2430, May 17, 1934

# 371, July 13, 2005

ATLANTA: Last Saturday Hurricane Dennis was headed north and I was headed south, and we kinda met in Atlanta. I’m here for the annual convention of the National Speakers Association, with about 1500 professional speakers. In case you’re wondering, the wind outside the convention center was offset by the wind inside, so no damage was done.

Georgia got mostly rain from Dennis, not much wind. Farmers up north, from Iowa to Ohio, are praying for rain, and will gladly accept a fairly strong breeze with it as long as the ground gets soaked.

You may want to know, when you get a huge room full of professional speakers, is anybody listening? Well, yes, because when one of these top people takes the platform, everybody else becomes a professional learner. We heard Ben Vereen, Bertice Berry, and the outstanding author Andy Andrews.

And humorists galore. Judy Carter, Mark Mayfield, Dale Irvin, Tim Gard, and George Campbell from Oklahoma, who you may know better as Joe Malarky, the world’s worst motivational speaker.

A bunch of these folks can sing as well as they speak, for instance Jana Stanfield. Mike Rayburn, Ladonna Gatlin and Willie Jolly.

There’s another fine group here that you’ve heard me talk about before. It’s the Tall Women speakers, and, yes, it’s growing. They added 5 more to the group, bringing the confirmed total up to around 40. So if you stand at least 5’11” in your bare feet, and you’re a speaker of the female persuasion, the National Speakers Association has a place for you. And if you get your picture taken here with a group, they don’t make you stand in the back row.

I’m trying to keep this short. You’ve got to save your reading energy for Harry Potter.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“AUGUSTA, Ga: Here is my Farm Relief bill: Every time a Southerner plants nothing on his farm but cotton year after year, and the Northerner nothing but wheat or corn, why, take a hammer and hit him twice right between the eyes.
You may dent your hammer, but it will do more real good than all the (farm) bills (Congress) can pass in a year.” DT #169, Feb. 13, 1927

 

# 370, July 8, 2005

TWIN FALLS, IDAHO: If you’ve never seen the Snake River first hand, this is a good place to start. Of course the river is about 500 feet below this town, at the bottom of a canyon. There’s a magnificent bridge across the canyon heading north that connects these folks to civilization in the rest of Idaho. Otherwise about the only way out of town is by way of Nevada.

The Oregon Trail ran near here, and those old pioneers had a rough go across this barren land. West of here about 50 miles is a little town called Glenns Ferry and those folks forded the Snake River there, long before anyone thought of building a ferryboat. We have it easy today with highways and airplanes; it’s impossible to imagine how rough those folks had it. There was quite a few that entered that river that never made it across.

Water from the Snake is the lifeblood for this part of Idaho. And if it wasn’t for the big dams upstream, it would have dried up by April. You look around and any place that’s green you can bet is being irrigated from the river. That water grows great potatoes and a whole line up of other crops from alfalfa to corn to barley. That eminent domain decision the Supreme Court handed down didn’t seem to upset folks much here, because it applied to land. But try to take away a man’s water rights, and you’ll have a real fight.

The big news out here was finding that little girl up in Coeur d’Alene. Folks are so mad at that Duncan fellow for what he did to Shasta Groene, they almost forget he murdered 4 people.

Yesterday, bin Laden struck again. This time it was London. He seems to be working his way west… You know, if we could just trick him into eating at a Denny’s Restaurant, I think we would get him. Those big countries meeting over in Scotland promised to send $3 Billion to the Palestinians and $50 Billion to Africa, even after the attack. They tell me there’s quite a few Muslims living in those places. Wonder how much bin Laden has donated to help those folks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I would just go… out to Idaho every few years… Boise is a mighty pretty little Town; I been there. Ground kinder sandy, built in on a right pretty creek, bluff up on one side.” Saturday Evening Post, Feb. 27, 1932

“POCATELLO, Idah It took me forty-eight States to do it, but I finally arrived in one where every one knows who one of their Senators is. I go to Borah’s home town (Boise) tomorrow. I want to see this place before it is made a shrine for honoring the only man in public life in his time with independent thought, when everybody else’s ideas are as standardized as Ford parts.” DT #201, March 18, 1927

“Calvin (President Coolidge) did a mighty fine job of dam dedicating here this afternoon (at Globe, Arizona). He made a dam good speech favoring dams.

The dam will open up 1,000,000 acres of new land, and there is 1,000,000 farmers starving to death all over our country on farms that’s all ready open, so it all depends on where you live, as to how you look at it.” DT #1125, March 4, 1930

# 369, June 30, 2005

COLUMBUS: This week the Supreme Court let everyone know where they stand on the Ten Commandments: If you have a government building with the Ten Commandments inside it, you have to carry them outside and set ’em on the lawn.

I think those old Justices got it backwards. You all know what the Commandments say… don’t murder, don’t steal, don’t cheat on your wife… It’s the ones inside the government that sometimes need reminding.

Inside a Courthouse is exactly where they need to be displayed. In fact I bet that when God was dictating the commandments to Moses, when he came up with “Thou shalt not lie” he was thinking primarily of lawyers.

Now the Supreme Court missed a good opportunity to settle this argument for all time, just by dividing those Commandments in two. You take 5 of them that tell us how to act in a legal way and put them in schools and courtrooms and legislative chambers. The other 5 that mainly tell us how to act toward God would go to the churches and temples.

Naturally these religions that follow the Bible would prefer to display all 10 in their buildings, and they have every right to do so. And they might agree that putting a stone tablet with Five Commandments in our public buildings is better than none at all.

Now I don’t expect unanimous support for my idea. But don’t be surprised if President Bush gets behind it. After all it’s a lot easier to explain than Social Security and the Iraq War.

Did you see Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes last Sabbath evening? He did a little commentary about attractive store fronts and mannequins. After he researched how mannequins are managed, rented, and sold he had a better understanding of the business. In fact I feel he developed some affection for his subject because he closed with some familiar words: “I never met a mannequin I didn’t like.”

Enjoy July 4. No matter where you are, America’s Independence Day is worthy of celebration. Even in England.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(The Lord) didn’t leave any room for doubt when he told you how you should act. His example, and the Commandments are plain enough.” WA # 136, July 19, 1925

“Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they can be understood. They are the same for all men.” WA # 638, March 17, 1935

# 368, June 23, 2005

COLUMBUS: The newspapers are full of missing people. That girl missing in Aruba, three boys in New Jersey, the Boy Scout in Utah (and they found him), and the Georgia bride missing for a week because she wanted to stay a Miss a while longer. No only is she still a Miss, she’s ahead by half a million dollars. There’s thousands of devoted brides that stayed put, said their “I do’s”, and what do they get? Just a husband and a new toaster.

Ohio came up missing about $12 million in rare coins. It seems that Tom Noe, who was holding ’em for the state, has been playing golf with the Governor in Toledo. If you happen to be playing golf at that famous Inverness course keep an eye peeled. See, sometimes a golfer uses a coin to mark the ball location, and maybe Mr. Noe accidently pulled one of those rare, million dollar coins out of his pants pocket, and then forgot to pick it up. Now, nobody is saying the Governor picked it up, but if he had, would he even know what he had? No one knows but Noe.

That ain’t the worst of it for Governor Taft. Ohio sent $220 million to an outfit in Pittsburgh to invest, and somehow they let it slide down to about $10 million. And they lost those millions without sending it to Wall Street, or Las Vegas, or even trying their hand at farming. Somebody ended up with that missing dough, but not Ohio.

Everybody’s telling us to “Buy American”. You know, go to Wal-Mart and Buy American. We’ve been buying all right, but it’s mostly from China. We’ve bought so much from China they’ve got most of our money, and now they’re coming over here to spend it. We buy their shirts and shoes and TV’s, and they turn around and buy our corporations. They’re starting with oil companies, which if we had been as smart as the Chinese, that’s what we would have bought instead of nick-nacks.

Basketball came to an end tonight, at least for a month or two. Everybody was missing shots, but it was the defense that done it. Detroit had the Spurs on the end of a rope, but Tim Duncan came through in the second half for San Antonio, and they won 81-74.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“We never will have any prosperity that is free from speculation till we pass a law that every time a broker or person sells something he has got to have it sitting there in a bucket, or a bag, or a jug, or a cage, or a rat trap, or something, depending on what it is he is selling. We are continually buying something that we never get from a man that never had it.” DT #1301, Sept. 24, 1930

# 367, June 9, 2005

COLUMBUS: It took Howard Dean and Paris Hilton to knock Michael Jackson off the front page. Can you imagine a more unlikely pair than those two? There’s plenty of folks that don’t care for what they say or do, but you’ve got to give ’em credit, they got people talking about Democrats, and washing cars.

Next time I’m in Oklahoma I’m going to the Carl’s Jr. in Claremore, order a thick burger, and offer to wash cars waiting at the drive thru. I’ll wear a bathing suit and a Stetson, and the line will stretch out into the street if Paris shows up to help. I’ll spray on the water, Paris can apply the soap suds, and the customer gets to wipe dry either his car, or Paris. There’s no charge, but I will accept donations, and all proceeds go direct to the Democratic Party.

The Michael Jackson jury is taking their time, still deliberating. You can’t blame them. They had to sit there and listen to lawyers arguing for months, so they are determined to delay a decision till Michael runs out of new suits and is down to his last pair of silk pajamas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I wonder if the jurors’ minds were made up early like all the rest of ours were. I have had a hunch somehow that it would be a hung jury. If it is, I wonder if they couldn’t just sneak off in a back room somewhere with a judge, a jury and a few witnesses, and then do it like the Supreme Court handles theirs, don’t let us know anything till the decision.” DT # 2659, Feb. 17, 1935

“As soon as the government lawyers had shown that Al Capone wore silk underwear, why they rested their case. They looked at the jury and figured that would be the most damaging evidence they could bring before ’em.” DT #1631, Oct. 14, 1931.

# 366, June 2, 2005

COLUMBUS: I got a haircut last evening. Now, I don’t have the same barber as Neil Armstrong. But if mine would sign up for a seminar on how to market hair strands (slightly used), why I would be happy to split the bounty. My hair can’t claim to have ever been out of this world, but like the astronaut’s, it’s a “one owner” model. It has been regularly washed, combed and waxed, and protected from the elements by being parked under a small Stetson. I will admit when it comes to color, mine has faded appreciably, but anyone intent on paying $3000 for a small supply of high quality hair won’t be deterred by declining pigmentation.

France and Holland voted No on Europe’s Constitution. France says, “We will stand alone. And in case a War breaks out, we’ll fight and defend our borders valiantly. At least for an hour or two. Then after we’ve been overrun, we’ll allow the rest of you folks to come in and bail us out of a pickle.”

Mark Felt, the former Number 2 man at the FBI behind J. Edgar Hoover, finally came clean. He admitted he was the one that helped the Washington Post bring down Nixon. We’ve been waiting a long time to find out who this fellow was. It’s not every day you meet a man who can keep a secret for 30 years. Of course, some secrets he couldn’t even keep 24 hours without blabbing it to the Post. Folks ain’t quite sure whether he is a hero or a goat, but it’s hard to argue with a man just because he wanted the truth to come out.

John Bolton was nominated for Ambassador to the UN. Some senators are convinced he’s a goat, and not fit to be our chief diplomat. They give several reasons, but it mostly boils down to one thing: He ain’t diplomatic! Well, the President figures we’ve tried diplomacy for 50 years; Mr. Bolton couldn’t do any worse.

Danica Patrick came in fourth in the Indy 500, and nobody remembers who finished first, second or third. She pumped life back into that race, kinda like Bush hopes Bolton will do at the UN.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Diplomacy was invented by a man named Webster, to use up all the words in his Dictionary that dident mean anything. A Diplomat is a man that tells you what he don’t believe himself, and the man that he is telling it too don’t believe it any more than he does. He don’t believe you and you don’t believe him, so it always balances.” Saturday Evening Post, June 9, 1928

“A diplomat has a hundred ways of saying nothing, but no way of saying something, because he has never had anything to say. That’s why they call ’em diplomats.” DT #2159, July 5, 1933

“Diplomats are nothing but high-class lawyers —  and some of them ain’t even high class.” WA #5, January 14, 1923