Category: Uncategorized

# 351, January 15, 2005

CINCINNATI: Martin Luther King Day is Monday, and Ohio, like the rest of the country, is ready to honor his memory. He preached peace and understanding, and if we could have it for even one day a year it would be a miracle.

The Ohio River here is high, but there’s other towns and rivers where the flooding is a whole lot worse. California is ready for sunshine for a change. Our western mountains need all the snow they can get but folks would appreciate a few days break in the weather for skiing.

We sure haven’t forgotten the tsunami victims. That disaster kinda puts in perspective a mudslide or avalanche or rising water.

I’m in Cincinnati with about 700 progressive farmers who are learning all they can about raising crops without plowing the land. These no-till farmers are reducing erosion of our topsoil, and at the same time taking carbon out of the air and storing it in the ground. That’s supposed to help reduce global warming. But really, it don’t matter to these farmers whether you think the Earth is getting warmer or colder, they know that banking carbon in their soil as organic matter is good for the land and good for growing better crops.

One of the best farmers in Chile, Carlos Crovetto, left in the middle of wheat harvest to speak to this group about how he turned poor ground into an excellent farm when he quit plowing. Jim Kinsella, from Illinois, hasn’t plowed in over twenty years and don’t see any reason to start now. Barry Fisher and Dan DeSutter of Indiana showed how ryegrass as a winter cover crop can add extra benefits to the soil. Steve Powles flew halfway around the world, from Perth, Australia, to show how rotating herbicides is important for farmers.

We’re meeting at the historic Netherland hotel. It was taken over by Hilton, and I figure old Conrad Hilton himself would be proud of this edifice. It has had some notable visitors. Winston Churchill stayed here, so did Eleanor Roosevelt, Bing Crosby, even Elvis.

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (on plowing)

“You know, we’re always talking about pioneers and what great folks the old pioneers were. Well, I think if we just stopped and looked at history in the face, the pioneer wasn’t a thing in the world but a guy that wanted something for nothing.
He was a guy that wanted to live off of everything that nature had done.
He wanted to cut a tree down that didn’t cost him anything, but he never did plant one.
He wanted to plow up the land that should have been left to grass. We’re just now learning that we can rob from nature the same way as we can rob from an individual.
All he had was an ax, and a plow, and a gun, and he just went out and lived off nature. But really, he thought it was nature he was living off of, but it was really future generations that he was living off of.” Radio broadcast, April 14, 1935

# 350, January 6, 2005

RIDGETOWN, Ontario:  All I know is what I read in the newspaper, and Wednesday morning the National Post was devoted pert near exclusively to the Canadian Junior Hockey team. They beat Russia 6-1 to earn the Gold medal in the World Championship. Must have been 8 or 9 pages on it. They held this two-week tournament in the famous American sports metropolis of Grand Forks, North Dakota, and in the whole Western Hemisphere, I rather doubt that anyone outside of North Dakota and Canada hardly knew they were playing.

But up here hockey rules, and with no “senior” hockey thanks to the NHL lockout, these folks flock to wherever there’s ice with a goal at each end. It was great competition, and if the USA team had done better than fourth, it would have attracted more American fans, perhaps from as far away as western Minnesota.

A few hundred miles to the southeast on the same night, Southern Cal rocked the Oklahoma Sooners 55-19 in the college football championship. I got to see it on television piped in from Detroit. The National Post never even had room for the score. Best Trojan surprise attack since Helen hid with her soldiers in a wooden horse. But it wasn’t really a surprise, except for the lopsided score.

I’m up here on the north shore of Lake Erie, speaking at Ridgetown College. The school’s been here since 1922, educating Ontario’s best farmers. You might think we would be in an auditorium, but no, we’re in a livestock arena. It’s a nice arena, concrete floor, with permanent bleachers on each side, and at one end hanging up near the rafters is a big photo of Queen Elizabeth. It’s a younger Queen Elizabeth, and I am guessing that maybe thirty or forty years ago it was a gift to the College President for his office. It is an attractive picture, but after many years he grew weary of having the Queen looking over his shoulder,… along with alumni, parents and politicians…, and decided to look around for an alternative site to hang a queen.

Now I ain’t complaining. These wonderful farmers are gathered for their yearly update on all that’s new and important in the agricultural line, and I told them it was the first time I had presented in front of a photo of royalty. Everyone agreed it was a considerable step up from a picture of President Bush.

In closing today, I want it fully understood that I am receiving no money for airing my political views. Not that I couldn’t use $240,000, which seems to be the going rate. But neither Bush nor Kerry could ever figure out if I was for him or agin him. To stave off poverty till the next election, I may be obliged to start my own educational support campaign, called “No columnist left behind”. Somewhat fortunately for us columnists, Dave Barry is on a well-deserved sabbatical leave to rest up, as he states it, from the rigors of writing a page and a half a week. Dave is such an icon for columnists that Americans will immediately see the need to offer support, guidance and perhaps remedial psychological aid to writers struggling to meet their page and a half weekly quota, not to mention the pressure of, once again, trying to pass their  fourth grade profeciency exam.

Historic quote by Will Rogers: (on Annexing Canada)

“Canada is principally an Agricultural country and we raise more now than the farmers down home can sell for enough to put in the next year’s crop. About the only thing I can think of we could use it for would be a skating rink in the winter and we got such a poor class of Skaters that we couldn’t hardly afford to maintain it just for that. Unless we could trade in Wisconsin on it some way I can’t see any reason for annexing it. So I have advised against it. I think my decision will suit President Coolidge for he has just about all he can handle down there now without annexing 8 million more farmers. What we need is some good country to annex us.” WA #201, Oct. 17, 1926

# 349, December 31, 2004

COLUMBUS: That earthquake and tsunami kinda knocked the “Happy” right out of “Happy New Year.”

If that 9.0 earthquake had struck on dry land, say in California or Japan or China, the world would be mourning the deaths of maybe a million people and wondering how nature could split the ground apart for hundreds of miles. Half of California could be a few feet under the Pacific Ocean instead of just recovering from a foot of rain.

But no, the earth shifted under the Indian Ocean, and didn’t hurt anybody directly. But the tsunami that followed, on a beautiful sunny morning after Christmas, was the worst in history. And it happened where no one expected it or was prepared for it, kinda like a massive hurricane would be in North Dakota.

That fellow Jan Egeland, who’s in charge of raising money for the United Nations, got kinda snooty because our government didn’t jump in immediately with a Billion dollars to finance the recovery operation. Of course if President Bush had made such an announcement, instead of waiting a few days to guarantee at least $350 million, many folks around the world would have blamed us for trying to take over.

Unlike some countries, we don’t depend on our government to contribute for us, we step up and sign our own checks. Americans are reaching deep in their pockets and collectively giving millions. In addition Bill Gates, Wall-Mart, Pfizer, Coca-Cola and thousands of other successful companies and wealthy individuals are donating millions each. Around the world many other companies and governments have jumped in with huge contributions.

Among the donors I didn’t see if the billionaire bin Laden has promised anything to aid his fellow Muslims in Indonesia. So far his only response since the tragedy was to kill a few more of them in Iraq and Saudi Arabia.

I have a question about how to help those left homeless along the devastated coasts. I’m not talking about where the whole island was flooded, that’s different. But where the coast is no more than a mile or two wide, why don’t the survivors walk inland to higher ground? Sure, they might have to walk barefoot uphill, and the injured would have to be carried, but they could find fresh water, escape the danger of illness, and people from the unaffected parts of the country could share their food. That would give the relief aid a few days to arrive from all parts of the globe, and most of it could be directed to those islands where there’s no high ground to walk to.

It seems a whole lot easier for people to move to where fresh water is available rather than having to ship a million little bottles of it from Atlanta.

Now this football news don’t seem so important in the context of these tragic world events, but you might want to know that Ohio State defeated the Oklahoma State Cowboys 33-7 in the Alamo Bowl. We’ve got more bowl games over the next few days, so there’ll be a lot of cheering. But Mr. Egeland can rest assured we won’t forget about the tsunami.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“People are marvelous in their generosity if they just know the cause is there.” DT #1523, June 10, 1931

# 348, December 21, 2004

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the papers. Our churches are working to keep Christ in Christmas, and across the country there’s lawyers that don’t even want Christmas in Christmas.

Schools have given up on Christmas trees, Christmas carols and Christmas presents. Even decorations that are red and green are banned. The stop lights in front of some schools were altered for the month of December to simply flash on yellow.

These schools that caved in to threats from the ACLU should unite, stick together, maybe form their own ACLU… American Christmas Liberties Unleashed. We know that not everybody likes Christmas or what our Savior stands for, but does that give them the right to prevent the other ninety percent from celebrating a favorite public holiday?

Not everyone likes football, but just because five percent prefer ice hockey or figure skating don’t mean football gets kicked off public grounds.

In Washington, President Bush is still searching for someone to trust with our Homeland Security. I have heard from a few of my Indian friends, and they say, “Let us take another crack at protecting our borders.” They know we weren’t very successful keeping from our shores the riffraff 400 years ago, but claim the ole Indian learned a lot from sitting on the wrong side of the treaty table. Maybe you think the Indians couldn’t improve on the security record of the past ten or so years; but how could they do worse?

Wal-Mart announced they are allowing Salvation Army volunteers to collect donations. Not only allowing, but encouraging them. Sam Walton’s offspring say they will match any donations up to $1,000,000. That’s mighty generous, and I suggest you take them up on it. Even if you don’t have a million, give what you can.

It was 5 below here yesterday. That’s cold enough to put you in the Christmas spirit. I’m all for opening one particular present early, the package with the wool socks and rabbit fur mittens. I’ll generously wait till Christmas morning to open the tie box.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Christmas)

“Well, the Christmas spirit is over now. Everybody can get back to their natural dispositions. If there had been as many good wishes in the heart as there was on paper the devil would have to dig up some new clients.
Christmas will never be a real charity benefit till we learn to eat those Christmas cards. If we spent as much with the Salvation Army as we do with the telegraph companies every Christmas, why the poor would be fat all Winter.” DT #753, Dec. 25, 1928

“The holidays got by without much publicity. Christmas was awful quiet after the excitement of the late election. It looked like there was a lot more interest in (Al) Smith and (Herbert) Hoover than there was in Santa Claus. I guess Christmas is getting kinder old and we will have to scare up something new to take its place. The trouble with this generation is they are getting too wise. That is they are getting too wise about things which they ought not to get wise about, and learning none of the things that might be any good to ’em afterwards. We kid the idea of Santa Claus now, where as a matter of fact it was one of the greatest illusions and ideas we ever had. We lost it and nothing has taken its place. Even to presents, why in the old days just any little remembrance was the very thing we wanted and needed, but now with all this Republican prosperity, nobody can’t give you anything you need, for you already got it.” WA #315, Jan. 6, 1929

# 347, December 14, 2004

COLUMBUS: Congress passed the Intelligence Bill. It says we are to hire 10,000 more men to guard the Mexican border, and one man to quarterback the entire security team. Of course I mean men or women; two men already turned down that intelligence czar position (Kerik and Lieberman), so it may be left to the women to protect this country.

They say we are to hire 10,000 border guards, but Congress authorized no money to pay them. So I don’t think this plan will work, if the only income these lookouts collect is what little they can earn in tips from the ones crawling under the fence.

My man, Zell Miller, is still in the running for Czar. He might get past the Senate committee screening because I doubt if he ever hired an illegal nanny. He’s liable to be a unanimous choice when they realize 10,000 full size cutouts of scowling Zell could safeguard our border better than unpaid sentries.

President Bush has had so many Cabinet secretaries resign, it makes you wonder if those folks heard the news that their guy WON.

We learned that Barry Bonds has been using steroids to hit all those home runs. Some fellow wrote a great line about Babe Ruth last week: if Bonds is powered by steroids, what powered Babe Ruth? Hot dogs.

If you think Bonds had a bad year, what about Mark Geragos. He got paid millions to defend Scott Peterson, drags the trial out to a year or more, won’t let him talk, and the jury finds him guilty and votes to hang him. Well, not hang him. This being California, the humane and civilized thing to do is leave him on death row for thirty or forty years, and hope he dies of old age before they inject him with a lethal dose of botox.

In terms of lawyering, it’s hard to do worse. Can you name any licensed attorney who wouldn’t have been just as successful, or even a plumber, and finished in a tenth the time? With his proven record of batting zero, I think we should put Geragos in charge of defending Saddam Hussein. The trial would drag on as long as the war.

We can kid Mr. Geragos, and with the kind of money he’s making he don’t mind some ribbing. We all know he did the best he could with the hand dealt him.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“In reading my Christmas good wishes and the morning Los Angeles paper found a long editorial seriously comparing our Christmas Day here to the one held in Bethlehem, Judea. In fact it kinder give us the best of it in the way of weather and natural resources over Christ’s birthplace, and it rather insinuated that in case our Savior is to be born again, the Chamber of Commerce should get busy now and book the event amid ideal surroundings. Bethlehem may have had us beat on milk and honey, but I bet we use more cold cream here than they did, and we got some awful cheap orange marmalade. Then we can stage Moses’ birth, too. We are short of bullrushes but we sho’ got the bull, so buy your reduced-rate tickets for the modern Bethlehem.” DT #1380, Dec. 25, 1930

# 346, December 7, 2004

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the newspaper. Headline says, “40 years later, Rt. 35 is finished”.

Yes, it took Ohio 40 years to build this road, from the Ohio River at Gallipolis, where Bob Evans ground his first pound of sausage, through Jackson and Chillicothe, over to Dayton, where Orville and Wilbur built the first airplane, and on to the Indiana state line. It’s 164 miles, which means they progressed about 4 miles a year, if you can call it progress. Just imagine, if Ohio had been in charge of this country’s Westward expansion, at that rate we would just now be reaching Utah.

Bob Evans was delighted, “Now we can ship sausage to Dayton by truck like we do everywhere else, instead of driving the hogs overland and grinding it there.”

Governor Taft says the new route will create jobs in the region, but I doubt if they can top the number on the payroll to build the road in the first place. They could have kept more men hired and stretched construction out a few more years, but about half way through they were practically forced to buy some Caterpillars and get rid of the mules. But it’s a fine, 4-lane highway, well worth the effort, and traffic will roll right along, until next summer when they set out the orange cones and start patching the oldest sections.

In college football they got another controversy. There’s only supposed to be two undefeated teams at this stage of the season, but the boys at Auburn, Utah and Boise never got the message. Oklahoma and Southern California got picked to play for the championship, but I got an idea of how they can add Auburn and have three teams in the same game.

If my plan works it’ll be USC vs. OK vs. AU, and they kinda play a round robin by quarters. See, they draw straws and two of them play a quarter while the other sits out. Then one of those sits, and they keep rotating until each has played four quarters, which takes a total of six quarters of football. It won’t take much longer than usual because you eliminate the half time; two keep playing while the other rests. The one with the most points at the end is the true national champion, and there’s no argument, except maybe from Salt Lake.

Texas beat out California-Berkeley for another big bowl berth. That don’t seem fair either, and I propose they play each other, preferably in the Rose Bowl.

I doubt if anyone will adopt my plans. These university presidents seem to be dead set against anything different, and they are hard headed enough to get their way.

Now here’s another big football battle for me personally. In San Antonio’s Alamo Bowl it’s Ohio State University from right here in Columbus, against Oklahoma State University, kinda “my” other home state. People ask me, will I favor the Cowboys or the Buckeyes? It’s a tough decision. But I’m leaning toward cheering for…. OSU.

To get serious for a moment, we lost a great man on Thanksgiving Day. Bob Murphey of Nacogdoches, Texas, was one of our best and funniest professional speakers, and also the slowest. He could stretch a good story out longer, with fewer words and more laughs than anybody. Why, sometimes he got more laughs in a speech than he had words. I guess now he’s down to no words at all and we’re still laughing. Interrupted at times by tears.

Historical quote from Will Rogers: (one last 2004 political comment)

“Now hang onto your seats while you get this item of expense: Interest on the Public debt is $731 million… That’s where all the money goes that we pay in Taxes; most of it goes to pay Interest on money we owe. Let’s sell off enough of this Country to somebody and pay off all National debts, then the taxes wouldent be nearly as much.

The Democrats will agree to peddle Texas and Florida. And I am certain the Republicans will let Massachusetts go.” WA # 312, Dec. 16, 1928

# 345, November 28, 2004

WESTON, West Va.: While everyone else was celebrating Thanksgiving week, our lame duck Congress passed out a few early Christmas presents. They said compared to our whole budget these little gifts don’t amount to anything. Well, when they add up to over $10 Billion, that’s more than pocket change to most of us.

Really we don’t even have $10 Billion, cause we’ll have to borrow it from Europe or China or Arabia. By the time we pay off the principal and accumulated interest who knows how much those nick knacks will cost us. Congress gets the credit, and a few more votes in the next election, but we get the bill every April for the next 30 years.

I can’t get into all these “gifts”, that’s for Senator McCain to handle, but I do wonder about a couple of them. Do the poor taxpayers really need to donate $450,000 to the Baseball Hall of Fame, when they could take up a collection among the players and owners and raise millions in loose change?

Do we need to invest $2,000,000 to study hog manure in Kentucky and $1,000,000 to produce more fertilizer in Muscle Shoals, Alabama? If Alabama is in need of fertilizer, couldn’t Kentucky ship ‘em a train load of manure and save us $3,000,000?

Folks, as I wrote this, I had an eerie feeling that it sounded awfully familiar. So I dug into it, and look what Congress did for Muscle Shoals 76 years ago….

“Spent the day looking at the marvelous Muscle Shoals dam and projects. Everybody should see it. It’s a monument to the neglect of our politicians. It was built to manufacture nitrates for fertilizer. It’s the only idle nitrate plant in the world. When you see a $150,000,000 plant lying here idle it gives you an idea of the pull in legislation that the power trust exerts. They say ‘If we don’t get it nobody else will.’” (DT #498, March 1, 1928)

Ohio got their share of useless gifts. One little town got $200,000 for a railroad depot. Only problem is they don’t have no tracks. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame got $350,000 to teach music. One question: by the time you get into that hall of fame, shouldn’t you already know music?

Congress acted fast on giving away all those goodies, but when it came protecting our homeland, they deadlocked. They got it backwards again.

I had a fine Thanksgiving in West Virginia. Ate a turkey dinner at Buckhannon Run, followed by a turkey supper at Wildcat with about thirty close relatives. (Hey, I don’t want any wisecracks about relatives in West Virginia.) We even had a light snow and it looked mighty pretty on the rhododendron. It’s deer season, and venison is just as popular as turkey.

PS… (Nov. 30) Secretary Ridge resigned today. I still think the person I suggested in September to replace him would be the perfect man to protect our borders: Zell Miller. That scowl he displayed at the Republican Convention would scare any potential terrorist from ever entering America, and might even cause a few to leave.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Congress)

“Washington, D.C. papers say: ‘Congress is deadlocked and can’t act.’ I think that is the greatest blessing that could befall this country.” WA # 59, Jan. 27, 1924

“Compared to [Congress], I’m an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is they don’t hurt anybody. You can take ‘em or leave ‘em. You know what I mean. You say, well they’re funny, or they’re terrible, or they’re good, or whatever it is, but they don’t do any harm. You can just pass them by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law. And every time they make a law it’s a joke.” Radio broadcast, May 12, 1935

“The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out.” DT #2047, Feb. 24, 1933

# 344, November 19, 2004

WATERLOO, Iowa: This is farm country, and I’m in Iowa to pick up some tips on modern practices. Down near Burlington the Mitchell family is trying a lot of new ideas, not only for better farming but for better living.

This is a fine farm family, like most of them, with young Clay Mitchell, his dad and mom, and an uncle and maybe a cousin or two, thinking up fresh designs to grow more with less time and labor and expenses, and preserve this precious black Iowa topsoil. It wasn’t just me that was here to learn, a bus load of farmers from Germany came to look over the machinery. The way they run their planter, sprayer and combine is getting attention, and they deserve it.

Naturally I checked out the political news for you. I do have one surprise to report… I’ve been in Iowa two days, and haven’t seen or heard a single Presidential candidate. But that don’t mean there’s no news. I read in the Courier… the fine newspaper that has the challenge to satisfy subscribers in both Waterloo and Cedar Falls… that Senator Tom Harkin says the Democrats would be foolish not to name Governor Vilsack to lead the Democratic National Committee back from oblivion or wherever they went after Nov. 2. Well, not only is the governor a fine man, he is sure to get the job, because no Democrat running for President in 2008 would dare oppose an Iowa Democrat for DNC chair, unless maybe New Hampshire put up a candidate, and then they would want them both as co-chairs.

The big Democratic news this week is the dedication of the William J. Clinton Library in Arkansas. They held the ceremony yesterday and it rained all day on them. It’s a beautiful new building, they spent $165,000,000 on it (which works out to about $1750 per book), and you would expect them to set aside sufficient floor space to set up a stage and a hundred or so temporary seats under roof. When you’re putting on a show attended by a half dozen Presidents (counting former, current and prospects) you shouldn’t count on a $5 umbrella and a pair of galoshes to stand between them and pneumonia. President Clinton can be proud of this wonderful edifice, and I look forward to seeing it.

Now I couldn’t get down to Little Rock, but I did the next best thing. I stopped at another Presidential Library, one dedicated to Herbert Hoover in his home town of West Branch, Iowa. And not to be outdone by Arkansas, it rained here too. Now Mr. Hoover had the unfortunate distinction of presiding over the 1929 stock market crash and the start of the Great Depression, kinda like George W presided over September 11, so he is looked down on in some circles. But let me point this out to you… yes, it was raining yesterday at the Hoover Library, but not a single person was asked to sit outside.

You probably read recently about these overweight airline passengers costing millions of dollars in extra jet fuel. Seems we’ve gained 10 pounds on average in the last 15 years. Well, I ran into an airline that’s tackling this problem of obese passengers head on. I flew here on Comair… actually flew to Moline, Illinois, and rented a Buick…, but back to my story, these Comair flight attendants offered us not just your usual pretzels or raisins or half dozen peanuts, but rather these Atkins low carb Advantage bars. What a treat for us low carb dieters. They said it’s a trial, and if passengers like them, they’ll become a regular item. So fly Comair and they’ll help you stay on your diet.

I appreciate the effort from Comair, and once all these airlines get back to making a little profit I’ll suggest another tasty low carb menu item: steak.

The big excitement around here is tomorrow’s game between Iowa and Wisconsin.** The Hawkeyes haven’t lost at home is 3 or 4 years, so these folk are mighty optimistic. I’ve got to fly to Columbus tonight to go to another big college football game. See if maybe Ohio State can rain on Michigan’s Rose Bowl Parade.

**Update:  Ohio State stormed Michigan 37-21 in a big upset. But then Iowa knocked off Wisconsin, which let Michigan back into the Rose Bowl after all.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Should Mr. Hoover lose [the election this Tuesday], I don’t think there is a person that wouldn’t feel downright sorry for him, for he certainly has meant well and did all he could, and I expect it won’t be long till we will be feeling just as sorry for Roosevelt.

This President business is a pretty thankless job. Washington or Lincoln either one didn’t get a statue till everybody was sure they was dead.” DT # 1951, Nov. 4, 1932

# 343, November 13, 2004

COLUMBUS: Any of you folks contemplating a murder and getting your picture on television, this would be the time to do it. The Scott Peterson trial and the election are over and television folks have a lot of air time to fill. They both ended abruptly after going on too long.

So our cable news channels are in kind of a lull. Our newspapers still have plenty of important local stories to fill the space between ads, but these television networks were counting on the election ending in a tie and a hung jury.

Now, Mr. Arafat has been a popular news subject for 40 years but he got sick, died and was buried, all inside of a week. The battle for Fallujah is practically over in a few days, although more terrorists escaped than were killed.

There will be more battles to occupy our foreign correspondents, but the only hope on the horizon for these court reporters is a jail break by Martha Stewart.

England’s Tony Blair came over for a visit and asked President Bush to work harder for peace in the Middle East. Mr. Bush said he already was working on peace in Afghanistan and Iraq, and that those countries are at least in the neighborhood, if not exactly in the Middle, of the East. But he told the Prime Minister that if he can persuade Europe to join up he is willing, in our President’s words, to “spend the capital” to solve the age old Palestinian problem.

Before our President spends too much capital, someone should remind him our capital is mostly borrowed. But regardless of our debts, if another $10 Billion will buy a little peace, we’ll dig deeper into our pockets. We would gladly send the dough if we can keep our boys at home.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We are a funny people. We elect our Presidents, be they Republican or Democrat, then go home and start daring ’em to make good.” DT #2700, April 1, 1935

“There’s the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is Secret Diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an Open Book, generally a Check Book.” WA #45, October 21, 1923

# 342, November 6, 2004

CLAREMORE, Okla.: I’ve been our here a few days, first at Tahlequah, home of the Cherokee Nation, then Claremore and Oologah. This election has been kinda rough on some of us. (Remember one of “my” little sayings: “I’m not a member of any organized political party… I’m a Democrat.”)

We have all these commentators talking about red states and blue states. But till you see a map that’s colored by county, you don’t get the full brunt of the catastrophe. You could take all the counties that voted for Senator Kerry and they would fit into an area the size of Texas. Of course Texas don’t want them, so they’re scattered across our various states. Except for Oklahoma and Nebraska which are solid red.

The last time Oklahoma was this “red” it was still Indian Territory. Even the Legislature went Republican for the first time in state history and broke a losing streak longer than the Red Sox. It may not be easy being a Democrat for a while, but don’t look for any of them to hit the road for Canada. The last time Okies left in droves was during the Dust Bowl, and most of ’em that ended up in California wished they had stayed and taken their chances with the drought.

On Thursday they had a big birthday celebration, starting with the dedication of a mural at the Claremore Post Office. But really, it was a re-dedication of a big painting that had been hidden away for thirty years and they restored it and it looks good as new. You know, if your picture is gonna hang on a wall at a post office, make sure it’s a painting.

Then out to the ranch at Oologah where fifty or so elementary school students sang a few songs. Lynn Doughty was there, cooking beans and biscuits behind his chuckwagon the way they did it over a hundred years ago. And Kalvin Cook put on a great show. He is a grand champion trick roper, whip cracker and gun slinger. Then everybody hightailed it over to the school auditorium at noon where there must have been two hundred students that put on a delightful new musical production called “The Life and Times of Will”.

If that weren’t enough to exhaust a fellow on his 125^th birthday, then it was back to the Museum at Claremore where the Cherokee Women’s Pocahontas Club conducted their annual tribute, and dedicated a new bronze plaque. Next time you go through Oklahoma stop in and see it, and the exhibits, pictures, movie posters, and even saddles, at the Museum.

After all the celebrating was over with, one wonderful lady told me, “For 125, you look mighty well-preserved. You must drink formaldehyde for breakfast.” Well, right there she uncovered one of the secrets of long life. And it don’t taste bad mixed with orange juice.

It sure was good to see so many family members, over a hundred of them. Some of them said they’ll be back for the 150^th. Now, brother, that’s confidence.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Democrats give me a birthday yesterday, Nov. 4. I was 51 years old, and they elected fifty-one Democrats. When I am 90 we will be running this country. The Republicans carried California, but lost America.” DT #1337, Nov. 5, 1930.