Category: Uncategorized

# 307, January 29, 2004

COLUMBUS: Oklahoma has been hit by a blizzard of politicians. Clark, Edwards, Lieberman, even Kucinich. It was unusually cold on Tuesday, but those candidates all arrived Wednesday, and it heated right up again. Tonight the heat wave moved east to South Carolina.

Senator Lieberman escaped New Hampshire in fifth place. In Oklahoma he tried out a new platform idea on health care. It’s a bold attempt to move up to fourth. He said, “I plan to fix what’s wrong with our health care, but keep what’s right”.

Now there’s a policy you can’t argue against. Why if he had been saying that, and only that and nothing else, why he would have swept Iowa and New Hampshire. Every voter in this country, a hundred percent of them, would agree with that one simple statement. But here’s where the fun comes…getting ’em to agree on what’s wrong, and what’s right.

Our Oklahoma Governor, Mr. Henry, has his own health plan. He wants to raise taxes on cigarettes, by 52 cents a pack. He figures what’s wrong with our health care is too many of us are smoking. In his plan, the poor folks that can’t afford to smoke will give it up, and naturally get healthier. And the ones that keep smoking will pay millions of dollars in this extra tax, and that’ll cover their hospital bills, and the bills for all the obese and other sickly folks, and even the doctors’ malpractice insurance.

In Tennessee, the Nashville schools say they will stop announcing an Honor Roll. Lawyers claim an Honor Roll is unconstitutional because the ones left off might feel embarrassed. Well, I always thought that was kinda the idea, to make them work harder next time. But no, it seems there’s a certain group that’s proud of their C’s and D’s, and because they can somehow afford to hire a team of lawyers to represent their cause, there’ll be no more honor rolls in Nashville schools.

These school officials also announced that while high school basketball games will continue to be played, they won’t keep score.

They also asked Nashville’s own Vanderbilt University to adopt a new plan whereby they would hand out academic scholarships randomly to their high school seniors, regardless of ability. Kinda like they do now with football scholarships.

I got a plan for any Presidential candidate that’ll adopt it. It’s the Route 66 strategy. On Tuesday there’s four of those Route 66 states up for grabs: Missouri, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Arizona. Any candidate that can sweep those four, and then clean up in the other Route 66 states… Illinois, Texas and California… why, he will wrap up not only the nomination, but the election too if he can hold ’em through November. So get your kicks (and delegates) on Route 66.

And forget about Tennessee. Nashville won’t let ’em count the ballots, even if a couple of the candidates are beyond embarrassment.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The greatest thing to recommend the Democrats is optimism and humor. You’ve got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.” Radio broadcast, June 24, 1934

# 306, January 22, 2004

COLUMBUS: I’ve been laying low since those Iowa votes came in Monday night. My Iowa no-till farmers might have misled you on Dick Gephardt, but it ain’t their fault. I am convinced there’s a hoard of you Gephardt voters out there who figured he would win in a romp, so why go out on a cold night just to vote. That’s what knocked him out.

But those farmers had Dean pegged. See, if you leave out Gephardt, it was Kerry that came out on top in our little poll, with Edwards and Clark next. Now that’s amazing. General Clark never even set foot in Iowa. The Army don’t hardly recognize the state; they only have two forts. That’s Fort Madison and Fort Dodge, and they’re not really forts, just towns. So if the General wants to score well in New Hampshire, he should get out quick, and maybe the voters will forget he was there and vote for him accidently.

Senator Kerry is feeling confident, looking good. He survived the New Hampshire debate tonight and his only worry is all those new residents of New Hampshire, the ones that moved there from Massachusetts to get away from Massachusetts.

Iowa is ready for a breather. They need some rest before a herd of 2008 Republican candidates starts stampeding through the state. Next Wednesday.

If it ain’t politics on television, it’s trials. We got so many trials going on… Martha Stewart in New York, Michael Jackson in Los Angeles, Kobe in Colorado, Scott Peterson in Modesto. Did you see where that Enron couple in Houston pleaded guilty? They saw all the competition, figured nobody is going to watch us in court, and rather than go unrecognized they surrendered even if it did cost them $29 million.

The Peterson trial got moved out of Modesto. The judge said he was looking for a town with 12 people with absolutely no knowledge of anything. That’s the only requirement. He found one near San Francisco, but I thought sure he would’ve picked Hollywood. In Hollywood they would only have to find 9 more jurors ’cause everybody knows they already got three that meet his criteria: Paris Hilton, Michael Moore and Jessica Simpson.

With all this blather, there was some good news this week. All those McDonalds burgers and fries you ate over the years have paid dividends. It turns out that Ray and Joan Kroc saved up some of the dough you dropped at the golden arches, and they left a tidy sum to the Salvation Army: $1.5 Billion. If we can match that in the kettles next Christmas what a great time it will be for a great organization.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A comedian is not supposed to be serious nor to know much. As long as he is silly enough to get laughs, why, people let it go at that. But I claim you have to have a serious streak in you or you can’t see the funny side in the other fellow. Last Sunday night a young girl [Rheba Crawford] who had made a big hit in the Salvation Army preaching on the street in New York decided to go out and give religious lectures on her own. So on her first appearance I was asked by her to introduce her. She said she would rather have me than a preacher, or a politician, or any one else. Well, I could understand being picked in preference to a politician, as that is one class us comedians have it on for public respect, but to be chosen in preference to a preacher was something new and novel. The meeting was held in a theater, as you have to fool some New Yorkers to get them in to hear a sermon. Well, it took no great stretch of imagination to say something good for the Salvation Army.” WA #13, March 11, 1923

Gephardt wins Iowa No-Till Farmer Caucus (sort of)

DES MOINES, Iowa: If you have been waiting apprehensively for Iowa to select your Democratic front runner for President, you can relax. It’s over and decided.

I know, you’re saying we’re a week early, and some of you will insist on holding on to this news till next Monday night. But the results won’t change none.

See, the No-Till Farmers of America met here in Des Moines this week, including a substantial number from Iowa, and a few from Europe. They spent the better part of four days learning all the newest techniques to grow bigger and better crops, how to spend less, and to keep their soil and fertilizer out of your streams and rivers and lakes. And they’re doing a mighty fine job of it, too.

But last night at the annual banquet, we figured why not get a jump on the Iowa Caucuses. After all, we had a captive group bigger than most that will gather around the state in the various schoolrooms, church basements and machine sheds.

We allowed only authentic Iowans to vote, and while we had a lot of fun the voting and counting were done with fairness, accuracy and utmost decorum. Except, there was one rather raucous group of “outsiders”, from the great state of Nebraska. They tried to field a Dark Horse candidate of their own but were promptly ruled out of order. We didn’t want to give the Supreme Court an excuse to intervene. You can understand their frustration, being a next door neighbor and getting cut out of the fun every four years. But this field of Presidential contenders is already loaded down with about half dark horses already, so there’ll be no more allowed.

Whereas in the past these Caucus affairs have been known to run on for three or four hours, by eliminating the speeches for nominating and seconding we cut the whole process down to seven minutes. We wanted to leave most of the evening for the fine inspirational speaker, Ron Gustafson from Omaha, and believe me he was worth it. Go hear him whenever you can.

When all the voting was done, Dick Gephardt got 37 percent of the votes cast for the nine candidates. Senator Kerry had 25 percent standing in his corner, and Senator Edwards and General Clark tied for third with 12 percent each.

You may wonder, where was Howard Dean? Well, he suffered perhaps the biggest blow, coming in tied for last place, with Al Sharpton and Joe Lieberman.

But really there was one bigger blow. After we had gone through all nine candidates we sensed a few farmers had not voted. So we announced a new category, “None of the Above”. It was as if a wave had rushed through the banquet hall. Fully 65.5 percent of those Iowans stood, and many even cheered. So while Mr. Gephardt can smile a bit, the whole of the Democratic Party has reason to frown.

If you are wondering, was it fair to let all Iowa vote instead of only Democrats? Yes it was. See, Iowa is a bit peculiar when it comes to elections. They have two Senators, like all of us. And when Senator Grassley runs for re-election they are mainly Republican, and when Senator Harkin runs they are mainly Democrat. Since neither one of ’em is up for re-election in 2004, you might say Iowa is mainly… muddled. But by November it’ll clear up.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Democrats never agree on anything. That’s why they’re Democrats. If they could agree with each other, they would be Republicans.” Saturday Evening Post, May 1, 1926

“Personally, I don’t think the Democrats will enter anybody. If they are wise they will let it go by default. There is only one way to get even with [the President] now, and that is to leave him in there another term.” WA #14, March 18, 1923

# 304, January 6, 2004

COLUMBUS: Our colleges finished off another season with their big Bowl games. Southern California invited Michigan out to their home territory and sprung a trap on the Wolverines. They claimed they were champions, but then Louisiana State had Oklahoma down to New Orleans for Sunday supper and cooked the Sooners Cajun style, so naturally they laid claim to the big prize, too. Now we’ve got two champions, and it’ll give the boys something to argue over in 2004 besides politics and Pete Rose betting on baseball.

Ohio State won their game out in Phoenix. It wasn’t as big a game as last year, but a win is a win. The Arizona desert air seems mighty agreeable to them and they might not object to a return trip next year. In fact in Ohio the whole state is feeling good about the Bowls, while the entire state of Oklahoma is feeling poorly and ready to change the subject to basketball.

They may argue about this Bowl Championship Series, but there is something to be said when you can have two champions, not just one. And when 25 or 30 teams can go home as a winner that ain’t all bad either.

When the pros wrap up their Super Bowl next month there’ll only be one team that can end on a high note, and the way Irv Favre is looking out for his son Brett, it’s hard to bet against Green Bay.

Forget sports for a moment; did you see the excitement at NASA when that rover landed? Now, a lot of professional speakers will tell you that engineers are a tough audience because they don’t show emotion. But let me tell you, the way those engineers were jumping and hollering and dancing around, if it had been football they would’ve been penalized 15 yards for excessive celebration.

And have you seen those photos from Mars? Over a hundred million miles away, and they’re clearer than a lot of holiday family pictures shot from across the room.

I’m flying out to Des Moines tomorrow, to check on the Democrats. There’s a farm meeting going on, and if I can round up a Caucus, I’ll get an early reading for you on who has the hot hand heading into the Primaries.

It won’t matter whether Iowa favors Dean or Edwards, or Gephardt or Kerry, or Sharpton or Braun, or even Prancer and Vixen. Those birds can stand out in the middle of a frozen corn field and sing the praises of ethanol till their face turn blue, but it won’t warm the hearts, or sway the minds, of the determined voter. No sir, there’s only one plan guaranteed to bring Victory to my Democrats, and it’s the same plan “I” first proposed in 1924. (read below)

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

The following is part of a “nominating speech” Will wrote for his newspaper column on the Eleventh Day of the 1924 Democratic Convention, where they argued for SIXTEEN DAYS over who to nominate to oppose incumbent Republican Calvin Coolidge.

“Oh, my friends, I am too good a Democrat not to be appreciative of what the party has done for me, not to try and warn you while there is yet time.

We are not gathered here just to name a nominee of the next election, but we are here to name the next President of the grand and glorious United States, of which this party today is the sole refuge for the true patriot.

The man we name must be a man of unquestioned integrity… The man we name must be a man who is not now connected with these inter-sectional fights and feuds here on the floor. The man I am about to name is absolutely aloof from them….

The man we name must be able to go into the far Westland and reap a majority…

The man we name must be able to remove any doubtful States into the realm of certainty. The man I am about to name can give you a majority that will look like a census report…

The man we name here must have no taint of Wall Street. The man I am about to name never saw Wall Street. The man we name here must have absolutely no affiliation with the Klan… The man we name must be of no minority religious creed. The man I am about to name belongs to the creed whose voters are in the majority…

We have our greatest chance this year to bring home victory. That great scandal in our opponents’ party and their close affiliation with predatory wealth has given us an unbounded opportunity… Don’t let us disrupt the party when we can win. We will go to a sure Democratic defeat if we name the wrong man.

The man I am about to name is the only man in these grand and glorious United States who, if we nominate, we can go home and have no worry as to the outcome. Don’t, oh, my Democratic Colleagues, listen to my friend William Jennings Bryan. He named ten candidates; ten men can’t win! Only one man can win. Trust me just this once and I will lead you out of this darkened wilderness into the gates of the White House. There is only one man. That man I am about to name to you is Calvin Coolidge.” Convention Articles, July 3, 1924

# 303, December 30, 2003

COLUMBUS: Television news is saying today that beef from that old milk cow in Washington state, which couldn’t amount to more than about 800 pounds of hamburger, has been spread over 8 western states. Never in history has anyone distributed such a small amount of meat among so many people, except for our Lord Savior himself, and he only did it with fish. Closest anybody has ever come to it with hamburger is McDonalds.

You know, if 3M were to drop an ounce of arsenic in the Mississippi River at St. Paul (not that they would ever do that) our news folks would advise us to stop drinking the water all the way to the Gulf of Mexico.

Now everyone is for safe food, and it’s hard for anyone to argue ours isn’t safe, as much as we eat of it. We eat more than we should and live longer, so it can’t all be poison to us.

But the whole American beef industry is about to be downed by one old milk cow of Canadian heritage. Can you believe it, on account of one sick Holstein, Japan stopped shipment on millions of pounds of Angus T-bone steaks and Hereford prime rib. There’s boatloads of beef heading across the Pacific that may be dumped overboard.

Just imagine if you can, if Japan discovered that one new Toyota Camry (or even an old one) was infected with some terrible disease, like Injector Influenza. (This disease has been known to cause wheezing and coughing, and can even lead to an engine dying.) Do you suppose we would immediately halt the import of Camrys? And not only Camrys but all Toyota models, plus Nissans and Hondas? Well, if we did we would be just as foolish as they are in refusing our rump roasts.

The terror threat is up for the holidays and we’re spending Billions on extra police and security. I wouldn’t be surprised that since bin Ladin and his al Quada followers seem to hate capitalism, he is happy just to see us spending so much of our “excess” profits on our own protection. But I wonder if old Osama has been watching us and how we react to all this mad cow news. He’s liable to come up with a new plan. He’ll have his men hijack a cargo plane at London’s airport, load it with British cows that all have that disease, fly ’em over here and scatter the meat across our eastern states.

Happy New Year. 2004 should be a good one. Enjoy the football games, and eat more beef.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Now I say, and have always claimed, that things would pick up in ’32. Why ’32? Well, because ’32 is an election year, see, and the Republicans always see that everything looks good on election year, see? They give us three good years and one bad one…. no, three bad ones and one good one. I like to got it wrong. That’s the Democrats does the other. They give us three bad years and one good one, but the good one always comes on the year that the voting is, see? Everything will pick up next year and be fine.” Radio broadcast, Oct. 18, 1931

“Well, the old year will be passing out in a few hours, and I don’t know personally of a thing that I can do about it. I guess there will be a lot of people will take it up with the government, as they look to them to do everything else.” DT #2622, Dec. 31, 1934

# 302, December 23, 2003

COLUMBUS: It is snowing tonight, just the way Ohio likes it for Christmas. Enough to cover the ground, but leave the roads clear.

Did you see that Monday Night Football game last night? Brett Favre’s dad died Sunday, and yet he went out and played his best game ever, threw 4 touchdown passes and over 300 yards, and that was just in the first half.

Even the Oakland Raiders sensed they were outnumbered. There was a twelfth man out there for Green Bay. He wasn’t on the field, he was up above it.

News came out today that an old dairy cow out in Washington had the mad cow disease. Now you’re going to hear all kinds of scary stories over the next few weeks, and nobody will convince you it wasn’t consequential, at least for that particular cow.

But don’t be alarmed. The chances of you winning one of those big lotteries this week is a million times greater than of your family getting a bite of meat from that cow. There’s liable to be more people killed in their automobiles returning beef to their grocer in the next week than will ever die here of that mad cow affliction.

So enjoy your Christmas dinner. No matter what you are serving, whether it’s turkey or ham, or fish or T-bone steak, just make sure you cook it right. That’s what counts, as far as food is concerned.

Merry Christmas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Well, there is lots more good cheer this Christmas than last (or the last three) and it’s not all out of bottles either. It’s in the heart, in the confidence and in the renewed hope of everybody.” DT #2306, December 24, 1933

“Mr. Henry Ford told me he would make me a present of the first new Ford car [the Model A], and sure enough, when I got here today, here she is. It’s the first one delivered for actual use, and believe me I sure am using it. Nobody is looking at these Rolls_Royces here in Beverly Hills.” DT #439, December 22, 1927

# 301, December 18, 2003

COLUMBUS: The newspaper headline, no matter what paper you read on Monday, was “We Got Him”. Even Saddam Hussein knows it’s time to give up when you’re in a rat hole surrounded by six hundred soldiers.

Iraq (and President Bush) wants Europe to forgive the debts racked up by Saddam. During his reign Saddam put Iraq billions and billions of dollars into debt, and he ain’t even a Republican. But here’s what I can’t figure out: why would a country like France or Germany or Russia send guns and tanks and planes and missiles to Saddam without making him pay cash? Or at least pay with oil.

You know France sells their gasoline for about $5 a gallon, so if they had said, “Saddam, we’ll supply you all the ammunition you can sneak in there, and in return you pay us in crude oil at $5 a barrel.” Why, France would have been rolling in dough. That’s a deal even Haliburton would have envied.

But Europe wasn’t that smart. They traded him war supplies for an IOU, and let him keep his oil and his money. And it ain’t just Europe. A lot of us got taken. And that money is not only paying for the Iraqi terrorists shooting at our soldiers, but here’s a real kicker, it’ll pay for his defense lawyers.

His daughter announced she would hire the best lawyers to defend him, I suppose with one of Hussein’s billion dollar Swiss bank accounts. That sure got the attention of our top trial attorneys… Johnny Cochran, Mark Gerogos, Gloria Allred. Even John Edwards might drop his bid for President to go back to his old profession. Michael Jackson and Scott Peterson and Kobe may be left to defend themselves.

Ole Strom Thurmond jumped back in the news this week. It seems he became a father long before anybody let on. I’m not gonna get into the morals of the situation, but this news kinda puts him up there with Thomas Jefferson and Grover Cleveland, and probably others we never learned about even after they were dead. His “new” daughter seems to be a fine lady, a retired school teacher. She is 78 years old and with those genes she’ll probably live to 110.

Yesterday they held a big celebration. And I don’t mean for that new Lord of the Rings movie. No, this one was for the Wright Brothers from Dayton and their first flight a hundred years ago. Orville and Wilbur may have passed themselves off as a pair of bicycle mechanics, but those boys were natural born engineers. They worked out the science and physics of flying and developed aviation technology still used today.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on debt forgiveness, Wright Bros., and War)

“They got a new gag in Europe now to help along their argument that America should cancel the debts [from World War I]. They are appealing to our egotism (and they figure we are not short on it). The new gag is “America won the war and she should pay. We admit that it was America coming in when she did that determined the destiny of the War. Therefore, she is answerable for present European conditions, and should put them right.”

Now, ain’t that a hot one? No matter what you do, you are wrong. If you help ’em lose it you are wrong, if you help ’em win it you are wrong.

There just ain’t any such animal as international “good_will.” It just lasts till the loan runs out.” DT #1687, Dec. 20, 1931

“Well, yesterday [Dec. 17] was the 20th Anniversary [actually 21st] of the first Flying machine flight by the Wright Brothers. People wouldn’t believe that a man could fly, AND CONGRESS DON’T BELIEVE IT YET.

The anniversary of the Wrights’ flight was celebrated all over the World yesterday…

Our Air Service is waiting for congress to make an appropriation to have the valves ground and carbon removed from the engines.” WA #107, Dec28, 1924

“Just read the Smithsonian Institution’s explanation about the Wright flying machine. They say the trustees decided [Samuel] Langley’s machine could have flown first but didn’t. I could have flown to France ahead of Lindbergh but I just neglected doing it. I had a lot of other things on my mind at the time.” DT #501, March 5, 1928 [note: the Smithsonian, finally, in 1948 reconsidered and allowed the Wright plane to be displayed]

“About the banquet at Mr. Ford’s, it was great [honoring Thomas Edison]. Every time I would waste some coffee out of my saucer it would be on a millionaire. I started to kick on my seat for the guys on either side looked like a couple of Ford dealers. So before I would sit down I made ’em tell. One said he was Orville Wright. I told the other one I suppose you are Lindbergh. He says no, I am only Mr. Mayo. Well, between a forced landing and an operation I was home.” DT # 1011, Oct. 22, 1929

“Monday is aviation day. Thirty_one years ago Monday the Wrights made their famous flight at Kitty Hawk. It was a box kite put together with barrel staves and putty. He sat on a stool out in front of the thing, hoping that it wouldn’t get excited and run over him. He didn’t get very high, but he started something that will change many a map in this world.

Aviation is sorter like the old .45 pistols, which made little men as dangerous as big men. It’s a sort of equalizer. You could give little Switzerland enough airplanes and she would worry the old Ned out of the big ones. There is no end to how many we ought to have. Buy about fifty thousand. And take the profits out of war, and you won’t have any war.” DT #2608, Dec. 14, 1934

# 300, December 11, 2003

COLUMBUS: This argument France, Germany and Russia are having with us over our $18 Billion to rebuild Iraq reminds me of a story from years ago called “The Little Red Hen and the Wheat”. Some of you remember it, and I bet Barbara Bush used to read it to little George W. and his baby brothers.

See, this red hen lived in a barnyard with her chicks, along with a cat, a goose and a fat little pig. One day the hen found some wheat seeds and wanted help planting them. But the cat and the goose and the pig were lazy and said, “No, we won’t help”, so the hen sowed the grain herself. Soon the wheat needed to be watered, and again the three made excuses to get out of helping the red hen. The same thing happened when it was time to hoe, and then to reap, to haul it to the mill, and finally to make the flour into bread and bake it. The cat, goose and pig all said, “No, we can’t help.”

When the loaf was ready to take from the oven the hen asked, “Who is going to help eat this bread?” Now all three said, “Yes, we’re here for you.” But the little red hen said, “No, the chicks and I will eat it.” Then the last line of the story says, “the little red hen sang as she cut the thick slices for her chicks, and not a crumb was left for the French, German and Russian companies.”

I changed that last line, …but that’s the way George remembers it.

Europe says we are violating international law if we don’t let their companies bid. But President Bush reminded them it was our $18 Billion they wanted to bid on. If Europe puts up a few Billion, he’ll let ’em bid on that.

I ain’t sure how we’ll make out. The way things are going, Haliburton will win all the bids, and it’ll end up costing us at least $30 Billion instead of 18. Then they’re liable to turn around and subcontract all the work to Europe for 10.

If we want to save money maybe we should immediately turn Iraq over to Wal-Mart. They’ll cut the price of gas for our troops from $2.75 down to $1.25, they’ll make friends with the majority of Iraqis with their “Low Prices, Always”, and they’ll even win over the opposition by hiring them at night to clean the stores.

Earlier this week our President took the tariff off imported steel. He put it on two years ago, and now he takes it off. That satisfied the Europeans and confused the Democrats. Howard Dean was for tariffs, and Al Gore was against them, but Al endorsed him anyway. Dean wasn’t sure if the endorsement would help him or hurt him. But it should guarantee him a tie in Florida.

Be sure to get your flu shot. Of course, there’s a shortage of the vaccine, so you may have to go to Canada to get it, or maybe Europe. Folks are complaining about the drug companies charging more here than anywhere. But don’t expect them to lower our prices. They’re more likely to raise ’em everywhere else. If you thought Europe didn’t like us now, wait till they start paying the same for drugs as we do.

Of course, we could just tell these drug companies to lower their prices everywhere. Tell ’em to cancel their research on new drugs, and we’ll take our chances on what they already have developed.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The tariff is an instrument invented for the benefit of those who make to be used against those who buy. As there is more buys than there is makes, it is a document of the minority. But what a minority.” DT #912, June 28, 1929

“Arguing tariff is sorter like arguing religion. There just ain’t any answer. If a business thrives under a protective tariff, that don’t mean that it has been a good thing. It may have thrived because it made the people of America pay more for the object than they should have, so a few have got rich at the cost of the many. There is never any way of estimating the damage done by a tariff, that is how much other countries retaliate in different ways.” WA 388, June 1, 1930

# 299, December 4, 2003

COLUMBUS: You folks have been reading in the newspapers about all the shootings on the south side of Columbus. Someone has been firing at some big targets, mainly on I-270. One person was killed, many others scared half to death.

The Columbus Dispatch called him a sniper. But he sure ain’t a marksman. So far he has hit four cars, five trucks, an empty school building and a horse trailer. Nobody knows how many he has missed. Deer season started here Monday, and the deer are wishing everyone with a gun would follow this guy’s example. A white-tail don’t have much to fear from a person who can’t always hit the side of an 18-wheeler.

Have you seen this “reality” show on Fox with Paris Hilton and the daughter of Lionel Richie? They took these two girls, who never worked an hour in their life, and put them on a farm in Arkansas. I think it’s called “The Simple Life”, but with the ignorant things Miss Hilton says and does, it could be “The Simpletons”.

I tell you, if the future of this country ever falls into the hands of the uneducated offspring of our wealthy class we had better all move to Mexico. Any of you who were concerned this show might embarrass our good country folk can relax. It’s Hollywood that has the red face. Old Conrad Hilton may roll over and figure out a way to change his will, retroactively, and give her share of his billions to the Salvation Army.

Down in Cincinnati a policeman was attacked by a 350-pound man. It took six police to finally subdue and arrest him. The man died and his friends blame the police. It’s a shame the man died, but it makes you wonder, if the policeman had died, who would stand up for him?

The famous swimmer, Gertrude Ederle died, at 97. (See second quote below) Back in June I wrote that Shirley Temple was the only prominent person still living that Will Rogers had written about. Well, Miss Ederle proved me wrong, just like she proved a lot of men wrong who underestimated her abilities.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“You take a Southern Californian and put him [or her] anywhere he can’t see a filling station or a cafeteria, and he is ready to write out his will.” DT #2026, Jan. 31, 1933

“By the time you see this in print, Gertrude Ederle, the wonderful swimming girl, will either have crossed the English channel or made one of the most heroic attempts ever made to do it. Personally, I think she will make it. That means anywhere from 15 to 30 hours in a cold treacherous ocean. She has to spend the night swimming and battling with one of the strongest elements of nature – a rush of water. Nobody is paying her anything; nobody is guaranteeing her anything; she is going in there to accomplish what only five men have been able to accomplish. Now, that is what I call a sport; a sport worthy of the admiration of the entire world.” WA #141, August 23, 1925 (It took her another year, but on Aug. 6, 1926, she swam the Channel in 14 hours, 31 minutes, nearly 2 hours faster than any of the five men. Will referred to her a few more times in his newspaper columns.)

# 298, November 25, 2003

ZANESVILLE, Ohi Looking ahead to Thanksgiving I’m here to visit Irv Bell, a fine farmer who raises corn and hogs. I read in the paper where our big turkey dinner Thursday will only cost us $3.60, so when you’re in a thanking mood you might want to remember the farmer. If you prefer one of Irv’s pork chops to a turkey leg, it may cost another nickel but worth every penny.

This town on the Muskingham River was named for Ebenezer Zane, brother of Betty Zane. It’s the home of Zane Grey, author of Riders of the Purple Sage and The Last of the Plainsmen and other books about the way he thought the West should have been run.

The government announced today that the Economy is growing, and growing rapidly, because we’re all spending. And it’s liable to keep on growing ’til we have to start paying some of it back.

Congress passed a Medicare bill. It is estimated to cost $400 Billion, which if that estimate is as accurate as the original estimate of Medicare in 1965, the true cost will be slightly higher, at around $40 Trillion. The President is for it, Republicans are for it, and the AARP is for it. Only ones opposed are folks who say we are spending too much on old folks, and those who say we aren’t spending enough on them.

The AARP claims it is for folks 50 and up. AARP used to stand for Retired People, but they all went back to work. What America needs is an association for everyone else. Call it AAYTPP. American Association of Young Tax Paying People. Make it a subsidiary of the AARP. You’re a member the day you are born, and they automatically switch you to AARP when you turn 50. It’s depressing enough to turn 5-0 without all those AARP solicitation letters.

Warren Spahn died yesterday. He won at least 20 games in 13 different seasons, and did not win his first game till he was 26. Young pitchers today should take note. They are satisfied to win 10, and then complain if the offer for next season is less than $5 Million. Of course if the hitters go off steroids, maybe they could win a few more.

Well, Sunday (Nov. 23) was our anniversary, Betty and “me”. We were married on the day before Thanksgiving, 95 years ago, so you ladies must forgive me my forgetfulness in these years when it comes early. The ceremony was at her home in Rogers, Arkansas, and we took the night train to St. Louis. The first day of our honeymoon, we did what every American does today on Thanksgiving. We watched football. Yes, I took Betty to a college football game. But I made it up to her that evening with a fine dinner and show.

Hope you have a fine Thanksgiving, with or without football. What would really make it fine would be a whole day without any news about Michael Jackson.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“This is Thanksgiving. It was started by the Pilgrims, who would give thanks every time they killed an Indian and took more of his land. As years went by and they had all his land, they changed it into a day to give thanks for the bountiful harvest, when the boll_weevil and the protective tariff didn’t remove all cause for thanks.

So here is what the Republicans have given us the past year: A war in Nicaragua and China, and a rehearsal in Mexico, two floods and a coal strike, and pictures of the Black Hills. And all we got in return is the promise of a new Ford car and lower taxes.” DT #417, Nov. 23, 1927