Category: Uncategorized

# 284, August 3, 2003

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: This weekend West Virginia is celebrating two things: a holiday on sales taxes, and the local performance of the Will Rogers Follies.

According to the Sunday paper the tax plan is a giant success. The Dominion-Post reported that “older women, teenage girls and mothers with school age children” mobbed the malls searching for bargains. You would be surprised how far womenfolk will go to save six percent on a cotton blouse or pair of nylon stockings.

But if you want to get a man interested in a holiday from sales taxes, you can’t just make it the first weekend in August. The only place he wants to go in hot weather is to a ball game, drive-in movie or fishing. All he’s wearing is shorts and a T-shirt so naturally he has no interest in shopping for a new winter coat and long underwear. No, you’ve got to make it flexible.

Flexibility is the key for men. See, with the Flexible Sales Tax Holiday plan you give every man two free days a year. And here’s the days you give him: his wife’s birthday, and their anniversary.

Of course the stores will have to stay open late, for the unfortunate souls who sit down to supper before remembering the date. But if they have to be reminded they may spend twice as much, so that’ll make it worthwhile.

But if you really want to interest the men, have a holiday on income tax instead. They don’t care about saving on clothes and other non-essentials, but if you tell a man he can work for a week and keep all he earns, why no telling what all he could accomplish. He would work so long and hard, his boss might even kick in an extra ten percent bonus for the week.

Now the whole idea, from the government point of view, is to get everybody to be more productive, to get more done, to “put the national economy back on it’s feet.” So for this plan to work out a hundred percent they’ve got to keep it a secret exactly which week it is.

Then, at the end of the year, after you have accomplished a third more than you or anyone else thought possible, the government lets everyone know which week was tax-free. They’ll say, “It’s been a good year for the country, and the Republican Party too, and we’re proud to let you keep your entire paycheck for… the envelope please… the third week in May.”

And you’re thinking, “Hey, that was a pretty good week, but I did take off early that Wednesday afternoon. I better not do that again because it cost me.”

We went to the Follies Saturday night, and I’ve never seen it been done better. But it don’t matter if it’s put on by your local high school or community theater or a professional troupe, go see it.

You could tell several of these folks had played their parts before, and done it superbly. In fact “Clem” was in the big show with Larry Gatlin in Kansas City and Dallas last month, and he’ll be with them in Memphis this week and Atlanta next week. Whether you go for the music, the singing or dancing or just to look at pretty girls you’ll have an enjoyable evening. The long-legged one known as Mr. Ziegfeld’s Favorite draws attention, and she deserves it, but my favorite is, and always will be, “Betty Blake.”

Say, if you got your $400 income tax rebate check, you may as well just sign it over to your governor. If your state don’t need it, maybe send it to needy charity. There’s none needier today than California. Next week the Red Cross is setting up a relief station in Sacramento. The Salvation Army is collecting warm blankets for Christmas to give to despondent legislators.

[Note: West Virginia was the first state to put on a sales tax, in 1921, so I figure they’ve got a right to take it off if they want to, even if it’s only for a weekend when the Will Rogers Follies is playing.]

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Why don’t they use a sales tax? That is the only fair and just tax. Have no tax on necessary foods, and moderate priced necessary clothes, but put a tax on every other thing you buy or use. Then the rich fellow who buys more and uses more certainly has no way of getting out of paying his share. Collect it at the source, that is at the manufacturers. Don’t depend on the retailer. That way it would not cost much to collect….
No slick lawyer or income tax expert can get you out of a sales tax….
People don’t want their taxes lowered near as much as the politician tries to make you believe. People want JUST taxes, more than they want lower taxes. They want to know that every man is paying his proportionate share according to his wealth.” WA #99, Nov. 2, 1924

Weekly Comments # 283,  July 30, 2003

NEW ORLEANS: Here in the land of the old Kingfish, Huey Long, a whole passel of professional speakers is convening. Actually the convention just ended, not because they ran out of something to say, but nobody’s getting paid here and they’ve got to get back to earning a living.

So you folks that are on your way to a big meeting or convention where you get to listen to one of these National Speakers Association members, why you’re in for a rare treat. If the inspiration and motivation this week didn’t set them on fire, the Cajun cookin’ would have.

Perhaps the speaker that came the closest to Huey on oratory was Dave Yoho. Not that they would have agreed on anything, but Dave can move an audience like Huey used to could.

Back in the early ’30’s Huey had his “share the wealth” plan. Today Dave Yoho has a “grow the wealth” plan, and about anybody can get in on it. He says it takes energy, persuasion, optimism and discipline, those four, to make it.

He also said something that had nothing to do with his topic but got a good laugh, “If God doesn’t do something about Bourbon Street, he owes an apology to Sodom and Gomorrah.”

Now, he’s not the first one to notice a bit of hanky-panky going on down there. In fact the northern three-fourths of Louisiana has been preaching the identical thing for years, but the publicity just seems to attract more of the same. Kinda like a mosquito trap, it makes the swarm thicker and you can’t stand to hang around long enough to see if it works.

These northern Louisianians don’t have any more clout down here than a Democrat Legislator in Texas. The only way they can use what little clout they do have is to leave the state.

This time the Texas Democrats slipped over to New Mexico. The Oklahoma tourist bureau lost out on this particular outing. That’s a problem peculiar to Oklahoma. See, after you spend a solid week at a Holiday Inn in Ardmore, it just shatters any desire to see the rest of the our wonderful state.

They could have gone across the Rio Grande to ole Mexico, but some of them weren’t sure they could get back. The only way the border patrol and Texas Rangers let anyone sneak in is for ’em to sign an oath to vote Republican. It’s been that way for years, which probably explains the Democrats predicament.

Now California is just the opposite. Only Democrats are allowed in. They come in, pick the tomatoes and apricots and almonds and grapes, collect their California paycheck and send it home. Is it any wonder California is as short of dollars as Texas is of Democrats?

I know what else you’re wondering, “Were there any of those tall women speakers you are always writing about down there at your convention?” Yes, there were, about fifteen all together. They are outstanding speakers, not only outstanding, but upstanding.

But the woman that got the top award for the whole convention was not tall in stature, but had a heart as high as a mountain. I say “had”, because Pat Vivo passed away in May. She left a big family, and a list of folks a mile long that were proud to call her a best friend.

We lost another friend on Sunday. Bob Hope, thanks for the memories. A hundred years worth of great memories.

Over in Iraq we took out Saddam’s two sons. A cousin in Tikrit is about to collect the $30 million cash reward. That was bad luck for California. Gray Davis didn’t get there in time to finger those two, and win the junior division of the Hussein lottery. And he’s sorta occupied for the next few weeks when we’re liable to find Saddam without his help, so there goes an opportunity at $25 million out the window. If he sends a travel brochure and a sharp real estate man to visit these newly wealthy Iraqis perhaps California can at least benefit from the income taxes.

But the odds are they will turn out to be Republican, and land in Texas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I always told you that there was just three towns in the whole of America that was different and distinct, New Orleans, Frisco and San Antonio. They each got something that even the most persistent chamber of commerce can’t standardize.” DT #1649, Nov. 4, 1931.

“NEW ORLEANS, La.: These Louisiana people are the most friendly and hospitable you ever saw. Of course, there is two sides down here (but that has nothing to do with their hospitality). There is what I would call the ‘Longs’ and the ‘Shorts’. There is no mediums. Now they are trying to make Shorts out of the Longs and Huey is trying to make Longs out of not only the State Shorts but all the United States Shorts.
I visited their Capitol today, the finest in the world outside Finland. They have buttons on the desks and they vote by electricity. It’s a marvelous way to vote, but Huey runs the switchboard, so it don’t matter much which button the boys press, all the answers come out yes. But they are great folks.” DT #2647, Jan. 29, 1935.

July 20, 2003

DAYTON, Ohio: Here in Orville and Wilbur’s home territory they put on the biggest air show in history of aviation, not counting the one over Baghdad a few months ago. The U. S. Navy Blue Angels, the Air Force Thunderbirds, the Marine Harriers, the Stealth fighter and Stealth bomber, Army Golden Knights… they’re all here.

The Canadian Forces Snowbirds put on a fine show, too, flying as tight a formation as our own planes. It was mighty generous of Canada to send those 9 fighter jets down here because that’s about three-fourths of their fleet.

You couldn’t ask for a better day to celebrate a century of flying. And it was 34 years ago today another Ohioan from a few miles north of here, Neil Armstrong, landed on the moon.

There’s an exact replica of that first aeroplane here, and the fellows could have gotten it in the air today. But they decided keep it on the ground till they haul it to North Carolina in December. It wouldn’t be fair of Ohio to claim all this aviation history.

Speaking of history, this Ohio farm boy, Ben Curtis, went over to England and showed ’em how to play golf in a cow pasture. He didn’t need any practice, he just went over there and won the first one of those majors he played in. First time it’s happened in 90 years. It was a rough course. Tiger got lost in the hay, Bjorn is still trapped in the sand, and Vijay may switch to the LPGA.

Ben learned to play on a course his granddaddy graded out of farm land and woods. It’s at Ostrander, a few miles from where Jack Nicklaus learned to play years before on the big courses in Columbus. You just watch. Phil Mickelson will be there next week to practice. Iowa’s got their baseball Field of Dreams. Now Ohio’s got the one for golf.

There was more disappointing news from Iraq. We’re still losing soldiers over there. It seems we won the war too quick. If Mr. Rumsfeld had slowed down our boys, maybe Saddam would have kept his forces out in the open fighting where we could see them.

I know it don’t mean anything to most of you, but it hurt me to hear we blew up that statue of Saddam and his horse in Tikrit. As I said back when Saddam’s statues were being toppled (April 13), I hoped they could cut him down but spare the horse. We have to get rid of Saddam, but the horse never hurt anybody.

Tuesday I was up at Columbiana, east of Akron, where Harvey Firestone started testing farm tractor tires in the 1930’s. They have been testing tires ever since farmers grew tired of bouncing along on steel wheels. They have found more ways to torture tires than two teenage boys in an overpowered sports car.

These Firestone folks still haven’t forgiven Ford for taking their tires off Explorers. You park a Ford vehicle on their property and when you come out, you’re liable to find all four tires flat. But they’re good folks, and if Bill Ford has any historical sense (and common sense, too), he’ll get all his Fords rolling off the assembly line on Firestones the way Henry and Harvey and the good Lord intended.

I stopped in at Wooster for a celebration they call BioHio. The University has a big ag experiment station here. It’s not as famous as Firestone or the Wright Brothers, but it can claim some mighty prominent advancements in farming and food production. You wouldn’t feel much like flying around or even driving down the road if you were hungry, so they invited everyone to visit and see how their research contributes to a full stomach.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A man that don’t love a horse, there is something the matter with him.” WA #88, July 6, 1924

“About the banquet at Mr. Ford’s, it was great. Every time I would waste some coffee out of my saucer it would be on a millionaire. I started to kick on my seat for the guys on either side looked like a couple of Ford dealers. So before I would sit down I made ’em tell. One said he was Orville Wright. I told the other one I suppose you are Lindbergh. He says no, I am only Mr. Mayo. Well, between a forced landing and an operation I was home.” DT #1011, Oct. 22, 1929 [The banquet was at Dearborn, Michigan, honoring Thomas Edison on the 50^th anniversary of the electric light bulb.]

“Just had dinner tonight with Thomas Edison, Henry Ford and Harvey Firestone and their wives. Say, there is the ones you want to meet. These three famous men, we know all about them, but you ought to meet these wives that made them famous. No frills, no put on, just three lovely wholesome family folks. Talked children and grandchildren all evening.” DT #669, Sept. 17, 1928

“I tell you turning your land into a golf course is the salvation of the farmer. That’s the only thing to do with land now, is just to play golf on it.” DT #593, June 20, 1928

July 13, 2003

COLUMBUS: Jerry Springer is running for the Senate and he riled up some Ohio folks last week. He kinda poked fun at a fine little town in the northwest corner of the state named Hicksville. Now anybody in Ohio knows a candidate does not joke about Ohio. No, to get elected here, you make fun of Michigan.

But Jerry posed for a picture under the Hicksville sign at the edge of town. He is selling those pictures at $100 and kinda claiming it will be “weirdos and hicks” that will give him enough votes to win.

If you’ve ever watched his television show you can see how he might get almost all of those constituents. And even in a great state like Ohio, if they all vote, it could carry an election. But here is the question his campaign has to answer: Can any of them can scrape up $100 for the picture?

You remember last week I referred to emails offering millions from Nigeria. I was getting maybe two a month. But business seems to have picked up with the President’s visit. I’m up to two a day now. The amount they want to deposit in my personal bank account hasn’t changed, but the percentage they say I can keep has gone up.

But I ain’t biting. Shucks, I don’t even subscribe to magazines from Publishers Clearing House, and their offer works out about the same.

Amazing weather in Ohio today. No rain. Folks here have forgotten how it is to walk around without an umbrella and galoshes. Storms knocked down a lot of electric lines, which is a big problem for city folk. Out in the country everyone is used to downed power lines so they’re ready for it. Why, some remember a time when they had no electric lines. The Amish still don’t.

Our former President, Gerald Ford, turns 90 tomorrow. He is quite a golfer, so don’t be surprised if he plays a round and shoots his age. Betty may go with him to drive the cart.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“They may call me a rube and a hick, but I’d a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.” (Undated)

July 6, 2003

COLUMBUS: This fellow over in Liberia, Charles Taylor, has been causing a ruckus for a few years, and a lot of folks want him to leave the country, including our own President Bush. He’s giving Liberia a bad name, nothing at all like what our President Monroe had in mind when he founded the country two hundred years ago.

So today Nigeria stepped in and offered to let President Taylor visit them for a spell. Now on the surface that seems mighty generous of Nigeria, to take this scoundrel off the hands of his own people.

But you’ve got to watch these offers from Nigeria. I get a couple a month myself, and they sound mighty generous at first. They dangle millions of dollars in front of your face, but they always end up asking for your bank account number and your mothers maiden name.

So if I was Taylor, before accepting any long term deal, I would ask Nigeria what they charge for room and board. He may decide he can do better with the World Court. Their accommodations are free, and might be for life.

President Bush turned 57 today, and is heading to Africa for a week, stopping in Uganda, Senegal, Botswana, South Africa, and yes, Nigeria. George W. is a businessman, so you can be sure he won’t accidently let out his bank number.

He is liable to let out a few checks, however, drawn on our US Treasury. But it’ll be only a few million dollars and loose change, because Africa don’t have many electoral votes.

Here in Ohio, Governor Taft is looking for more revenue to balance the budget. He missed on the $200 million Powerball last night, along with Gray Davis and everyone else. Today he is organizing a posse to go after the $25 million reward on Saddam’s head. If he can get both sons, too, he has promised new schools for another one of Ohio’s 600 school districts that claim to be poverty stricken.

A few months ago Switzerland, high up in the snow covered Alps, won the world championship of Yachting, and this week it was announced that an oceanfront city, at sea level, Vancouver, will host the Winter Olympics. Does this seem backwards to you?

They do understand, don’t they, that “skiing”, means downhill, not pulled behind a boat. Vancouver is a wonderful city and it seems better suited for beach volleyball than grand slaloms.

Here in America we celebrated Independence Day, July 4. If you are reading this, it means you survived the holiday. Time magazine devoted a whole issue to one of our Founding Fathers, Ben Franklin. “I” am humbled at the small mention on page 45, and in the same sentence, no less, with our great humorist, Mark Twain. I know that Twain would agree, to be called a Ben Franklin “descendant” is the highest of honors, especially in the absence of DNA evidence.

Our friend and fellow imposter, Ralph Archbold, received a full page. He is “Ben Franklin”, an institution in Philadelphia, and an inspiration for all of us other “weirdo” characters.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“(President Herbert) Hoover was the most able, conscientious man, but he just couldn’t help worrying about Europe, or China, or Madagascar, or Liberia or somewhere. If he could have let them carry their own load for a while, everything would have been better, but he was what you call a world humanitarian.” WA #535, March 26, 1933

“When the Fourth of July and a Sunday come together there just ain’t anything to do on Monday but send flowers. Fireworks killed and maimed everybody that had a match. Rip tides in the ocean just wait for a holiday to get their quota, and autos got what was left. About the only sure way to keep from being hurt on the Fourth of July is to participate in one of our heavyweight prize fights.” DT #1545, July 6, 1931

June 29, 2003

WESTON, West Va.: The Supreme Court finally made up its mind on law school enrollment and set off a storm in places. That decision didn’t raise even an eyebrow around here. The only concern in these parts is, with thousands wanting into the University of Michigan law school, that they only let in a few hundred like it is now. It don’t matter WHO they let in, the real concern is HOW MANY they let out.

When you live in a country where ten times as many folks want to be lawyers as there is room for in the schools, it just shows you what a catastrophe is around the corner if all of them were to become lawyers. We already have ten times as many as Japan. What would we do with a hundred times more.

Which brings us to telemarketers. There’s about 6 million of these telemarketers that’s been living off the gullibility of the other 250 million, so the government set up a system where we can call in and get our phone removed from their speed dialer. Now, either the government underestimated how unpopular those folks are, or they have no idea how many phones we have in this country. If telemarketers can only call the folks that want to be annoyed there would be so few of them left they could all fit in one phone booth.

That leaves just two groups that can legally pester us by phone, Political Parties and Charities, and the way things are today, the Democrats qualify under both. Frankly, I ain’t sure which is worse: a man wanting to sell you aluminum siding when you live in a brick house; or a solicitor calling for a $100 donation to the “Deputy Sheriffs Benevolence Association” (not to be confused with the Police Captains League, or the Law Officer Widows and Orphans Fund) when you know he will rake three-fourths off the top.

Are you like me? I’ve received hundreds of calls, maybe thousands, and I can’t recall a single one where I would say, “boy, was I lucky the fellow called me with that special offer.” Whether it was Wall Street stocks, storm windows, septic tank cleaning, magazine subscriptions, term life insurance, or a Florida vacation, there wasn’t a one of those products or services I couldn’t have dug up myself if the need arose, and probably for half the price.

With 6 million unemployed talkers on the loose, no telling where they’ll turn up. They may invent a new political party just to keep the money coming in. Call it Telecrats. Their theme: “We still want to reach out and touch someone”.

Or worse, what if they all apply to the Michigan Law school?

But more likely, they’ll trade in their telephone for a computer and deluge us with spam.

We lost some fine prominent people lately. Gregory Peck, Mayor Maynard Jackson, Senator Strom Thurmond at 100, and today, Katharine Hepburn, age 96.

Folks who have heard me speak in the last few years know that I kidded about Strom’s age. “I” claimed we were born in the same year (1879), but you know he was much younger.

Now Katharine Hepburn was a special lady. (see quotes below) She won an Academy Award in 1933, and then three more with the last one for “On Golden Pond” in 1981. Not many folks can lay claim to being the best in their profession, then 48 years later still be the best.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Katharine Hepburn… and lawyers)

“…my old friend, Fred Stone, is out in front, and I want to do a good show for him. He’s got a great job out here in the movies now playing Katharine Hepburn’s pappy. Boy, I’d like to get in one of those things with Katie. I wouldn’t care where I played. I’d just like to get in there.” Radio broadcast, June 9, 1935

“Fred Stone… is simply great in his first (talking) picture. He is playing with the charming person Miss Hepburn, and the picture is immense and of course she is marvelous as usual, but so is Fred.” Weekly Article #658, August 4, 1935      (note: the movie was “Alice Adams”.)

“The minute you read something and you can’t understand it you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. Then if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don’t know just what it means, why then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. If it’s in a few words and is plain and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer.
Every time a lawyer writes something, he is not writing for posterity, he is writing so that endless others of his craft can make a living out of trying to figure out what he said, course perhaps he hadent really said anything, that’s what makes it hard to explain.
But Lord if we go into the things that are useless, why two thirds of the world would have to turn to manual labor. That’s really the only essential thing there is.” WA #257, July 28, 1935

Historic note: I believe that Hepburn’s death leaves only one living prominent person that Will referred to by name in his writings or radio broadcasts. That person is Shirley Temple.

June 22, 2003

COLUMBUS: I’ve been out wandering over Ohio, learning about conserving soil and water. First it was at Circleville, hometown of Joe E. Brown. Then up to Wooster for a conference where they honored two old professors that started working on no-tillage forty years ago. Their research plots are still producing results and still showing how plowing on slopes lets the soil wash away over the years.

These fellows are Glover Triplett and Dave VanDoren, and while they aren’t as famous as Burbank or Carver, the no-till revolution they started along with some other folks around the country is catching hold. You throw in some farmers like Bill Richards and Jim Kinsella and you’ve got some high level thinking that beats most of what passes for wisdom coming out of Washington these days.

Not everybody is so hot on this no-till idea. There’s some folks that figure we ought to grow crops with no fertilizer and no chemicals, just round up about ten million workers every summer and give ’em a hoe to chop weeds, then in winter they can shovel out the barns.

Down in Australia they have a name for this conservation farming: Landcare. You take care of the land and it’ll take care of you. Everybody’s for it. This Landcare idea might spread to these shores if we’re fortunate.

These no-till farmers are not only growing crops they are banking carbon. Storing excess carbon in the soil is a whole lot smarter than letting it float around in the air. There’s more to farming than what comes off the land. What stays with the land counts, too.

North Carolina had a big contest yesterday. I’m not referring to the Hollering event in Spivey’s Corner, although that’s a big one. If fact you won’t find bigger voices anywhere, even on American Idol.

No, the big competition I’m talking about was in Raleigh to see who gets to be the next Miss North Carolina. What makes this such a big deal, more so than in any other state, is what happened last year. You might recollect that the winner, Rebekah Revels, had to give her crown to the runner-up because her no account ex-boyfriend threatened to print some photos he never should have took in the first place.

Last month she said she wanted the crown back, at least long enough to crown the new Miss North Carolina. This posed an embarrassing problem for pageant officials because the former runner-up said she was well qualified to do the crowning, and didn’t need Rebekah’s help.

Now, it just wouldn’t do to have these two beautiful women on stage fighting over one crown. Those crowns have points, and they’re tipped with cut diamonds. Now, let me ask you, would you want them out there with a sharp object?

That left the officials with another problem, who would do the crowning? They needed someone with experience, someone with charm, with flair. Just about any former Miss NC qualified, but they settled on my old friend, Jeanne Swanner Robertson. It was forty years ago that Jeanne represented North Carolina in the Miss America pageant, and she holds two distinctions. No contestant has ever been funnier, and none has ever been taller.

To put this development in perspective, just imagine if the Democratic Party said to those nine folks campaigning for President, “Go on back home, we’re nominating Pat Paulsen instead.” Or, suppose you were to turn out your county sheriff and replace him with Mayberry’s Andy Griffith.

So Jeanne brushed off the mothballs and her sense of humor and geared up for the big night. She told me last week, “I’ve been holding in my stomach, smiling and practicing the pageant wave. My plan is to tape up the sagging areas on my body, a process that will take approximately twenty-four hours. I fully intend to walk out on stage on my own accord and unassisted. I’m ready, but at this point in my life, if they give me a scholarship, I will not, I repeat, will not, go back to school. The biggest problem so far, is I put Vaseline on my teeth, and then I couldn’t remember where I put my teeth.”

You know they always let the past winner, just before she relinquishes the crown, kinda summarize what all she’s been up to since being crowned. Usually they allow about five minutes. This time, with forty years to cover, nobody knows how long Jeanne will go on. And they’ll be laughing so hard no one will care.

I’ve gone on a bit longer than normal myself. But I figured, if twelve year olds can read 800 pages of Harry Potter at one sitting, then a page and a half isn’t too much to lay out for the rest of you. Between J. K. Rowling and Senator Clinton, there hasn’t been so much reading since Mark Twain and McGuffey were in their prime.

Prince William turned 21 this weekend, and next Saturday another popular Englishman, the old Methodist himself, John Wesley celebrates birthday number 300. The way things are going, young Will may have to live just as long before he ever gets to be King.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I have prowled the width and breadth of that wonderfully progressive state of North Carolina. Their citizens have been mighty good to me in time of need. I have sold ’em a mighty poor grade of jokes, but which they always seemed to accept either out of sheer generosity, or simply because they had nowhere else to go.” WA #557, August 27, 1933

June 15, 2003

COLUMBUS: This is Father’s Day. In 1930, “I” proposed the following for Father’s Day. “No flowers, no fuss, just let him use the car himself and go where he wants to. But we will never live to see such a contented day.” (DT #1183, May 11, 1930)

To that list for 2003, I would add, “no rain, no spam.”

Christopher Reeve was here Friday for a graduation speech. He reminded the students of some of the discouraging news they may have missed lately (cheating CEO’s, Catholic priests, New York Times reporter, Sosa’s corked bat) then challenged them to “maintain your integrity in a culture that has devalued it.”

He told them “you have already learned compassion for your fellow human beings,” and “you don’t need to break your neck to learn the value of living consciously.”

After the speech he visited the folks at the university rehab clinic that’s been serving accident victims for forty years. He was speaking with a dozen or so patients in wheelchairs, but their doctors and physical therapists and a few others were listening in. He encouraged them to do what the physical therapists advise, work harder, go farther, lift more and “exercise to keep your body healthy for the time when all parts are working again, and drink plenty of cranberry juice.” He implored them to have the “mental attitude to keep working, don’t give up and don’t accept limits.”

As I pondered over his comments I wondered, could any of us so-called able bodied folks ever receive any better advice? Christopher Reeve, an actor worth listening to.

Our preacher this morning quoted Art Linkletter, “It’s better to be a super dad than a superstar.” Listening to Mr. Reeve I would add, “It’s better to be a super person than a Superman.”

I’ll keep this short so you can get back to Hillary’s Memoirs.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do, well, that’s Memoirs.” Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

“If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.” WA #31, July 15, 1923

June 7, 2003 WESTON, West Va.: I am just finishing up a week’s vacation without ever leaving the county. And, yes, just like where you are, it rained most days. Rainy days ain’t all bad. If it’s not fit to do all the great things you had planned, why you can always visit old haunts and old friends, set on the porch and catch up on years gone by. Rain gets you out of hoeing weeds in the garden, temporarily. Rain on a tin roof can help a man sleep sounder, even in mid afternoon. Weston held their city election Tuesday, with five running for mayor. Two years ago in the same election two men tied, or near to it, and it took most of the two years to figure out who won. That ballot battle made Florida’s 2000 chad-plagued race seem like a cake walk. Since the rain canceled my other plans I volunteered to help report the returns on the radio, WHAW. It’s the biggest station in the county, also the only one, but you can hear it all over the state, and even the world, through the internet. I was pulling for a result that would have put Weston in the history books, a five-way tie. I took along a suitcase and about a hundred pounds of nuts and dried fruit in case we were holed up in the studio for a week or two. We went on at seven and by half past nine, the last of the votes were counted, the incumbent was declared the winner and the town went back to sleep. So Weston is stuck, for now, with whatever history they have already made, and I’m stuck with a year’s supply of peanuts, dried apricots and prunes. Today, I’m at their annual Carp Festival, held on the banks of the West Fork River. While other towns celebrate their prize bass, trout or muskies, these folks fish for carp and use those other fish for bait. They set up a stage for a whole series of musical performers, mainly bluegrass and gospel, and I came on long enough to give the fellows a break. With all the rain, I doubt anyone would have been shocked if Noah himself had walked out on stage. But some were surprised to see Will Rogers. I reported on what I read in the morning paper. (Those folks had been so busy fishing, no time to read.) Headline said, “Unemployment is Up”. Well, Weston contributed to those figures with four out of five candidates suddenly out of work. Here’s another item, “Ken Heckler eyes race for Sec. of State”. That shows you right there the root of our unemployment numbers. Mr. Heckler is 89, and trying to knock some youngster out of a job. I’ve got to go. I hear another thunderstorm approaching. Historic quote from Will Rogers: “(I flew) down to Tulsa, Oklahoma….. was met by my Sister and driven to her home in Chelsea. Well for the next few days I did nothing but just visit around with all my folks and old Cronies, made no dates, just get in the car and go see ’em. The family couldent get over the idea that there was not some place I had to rush to make a Lecture date every night.” WA #354, October 6, 1929

# 275, May 28, 2003

COLUMBUS: Jack Nicklaus is hosting his annual golf tournament next door to us in Dublin. He says Annika will be welcome anytime she qualifies. She didn’t, so Tiger figures it’s safe for him to play here.

Annika didn’t do as well as she hoped in the Colonial last week. But she beat a dozen men and earned the respect of the others. She didn’t win, but she came out of Ft. Worth a whole lot better off than Martha Burk at the Masters. Folks are comparing her to that all-around great athlete Babe Didrickson Zeharias. She didn’t win any golf championships against men either, but that didn’t stop her from taking them on more than once. Perhaps if Annika takes up swimming, running hurdles and a couple of other sports, she can get her golf game on a par with Babe.

I read in the paper where Saudi Arabia is asking its Muslim clerics to stop preaching against Jews and Christians. That’s almost as big as the news that Sharon is ready to recognize the Palestinians. Either one, if it happens, could go a long way toward improving civilization. If Muslims quit preaching against Christians, maybe we can get our conservative Christians to give up preaching against Democrats.

Bob Hope, our greatest entertainer for the last two-thirds of the twentieth century, turns 100 tomorrow. He was born in England, but his family moved to Cleveland when he was 4, and Cleveland is a good place to be from if you want to be a comedian. From small shows he got into vaudeville, then movies, and on to radio in 1938 for NBC. He stayed with NBC for 62 years. Most of us find it hard to stick with one network for 30 minutes.

Bob always had a talent for comedy, and he had another skill– hiring great writers. Sure he had writers, but no matter how many comedy writers he hired, he was always the head writer.

And he had golf, and was always ready to play a round (or around, according to some folks).

You might surmise from Bob Hope that the secret of long life is golf and laughter. I ain’t so sure golf contributes to longevity, but any golfer that can’t laugh at his own game would be well advised to write an early epitaph.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” WA #49, Nov. 18, 1923

“Golfers are a cheerful lot, win or lose, wives and all. They laugh it off, take the husband home, dress him up and send him back for another beating on the morrow. But don’t kid yourself Comrades that there is nothing to this game. Put $3500 smackers down and tell us we had one putt to win it. I think I would be so nervous I would pick up the caddy and swing him at it.” WA #366, Dec. 29, 1929

“About all that there is to prominent men nowadays is their golf. It has always been a mystery to me how our old time men ever got even as good as they were without golf. Just imagine if Lincoln had had golf to add to his other accomplishments. There is a boy you would have been proud of.” WA #15, March 23, 1923