Category: Uncategorized

# 296, November 11, 2003

HARLINGEN, Texas: The folks around here asked me to get a message to those of you shivering up North: it’s 80 degrees today, and they have a space in a mobile home park with your name on it.

They’ve got room for at least 20,000 of you in the lower Rio Grande Valley. Make no mistake, it is all “valley”, flat as far as you can see. There’s no mountains to clutter the view, and these folks haven’t seen snow in almost 40 years. So leave your skis and parkas at home.

I’m in Texas to talk with a few school children at Mercedes, a few miles west of here. I mainly just asked questions and let them do the talking. They’re bright kids, after all the name of the town is Mercedes, not Geo, Kia or Volkswagen.

Tomorrow I’ll be in Louisiana, at Baton Rouge, to listen to some more bright youngsters, over in the Mississippi Valley. I’ll check on their Governor’s race, too.

Well, I promised last week to tell you about speaking to the Oologah elementary school children on November 3. They start every day with the kindergarten and first and second grades, about 200 altogether, in the lunch room for a short assembly. Some of them eat breakfast. Every morning different ones take turns leading the whole group in the Pledge of Allegiance, a moment of silence (what used to be a prayer), and various words of wisdom for the day. Just think, giving these little kids experience behind a microphone, they are creating a whole generation of speakers, in this case after-breakfast speakers. I just talked a little, hoping my words of wisdom didn’t interfere with the ones they were learning from each other.

Then the kindergarten invited me to their own little gathering. The kids sat close together on the floor and a teacher asked them to volunteer to tell something they knew about Will Rogers. And she asked them to do it in complete sentences, grammatical sentences, something I never mastered or, at least, seldom practice. Fortunately, they didn’t hit on any obscure facts that caught me by surprise.

After lunch, it was time for the main show with all the third, fourth and fifth graders in the Will Rogers Auditorium at the high school. (This auditorium seats about a thousand and serves all the Oologah schools because they are built together.)

The 4^th grade Western Choir, that I told you about last week, started off the program with a few songs to get ’em in a good mood. Then I told ’em a few tales from when “I” was a boy growing up right there in the Verdigris Valley (there’s no mountains in this valley either), and how I used to rope anything on four legs, or two. Goats, calves, geese, but my favorite target was girls.

Teachers did their best to confiscate my lassos before any major mischief, but sometimes they were a mite late. I told how, at one school, I roped a horse that appeared to me to be broke, but he ran wild once my lasso landed around his neck. He jumped a fence, tore through a tennis court and disappeared over the horizon, with my lasso and part of the tennis net tailing along behind him. I didn’t mean any harm, but the Principal expelled me. And I couldn’t rightly blame him, because it was his horse.

I did a little rope spinning (very little), and showed pictures of some friends from Hollywood that they recognized, and some family members including a great-great grandson.

I knew my material might not keep these youngsters excited for my allotted time on stage, so I had asked a couple of the high school cheerleaders, Jennifer and Hayley, to drop in and demonstrate a couple of cheers in the middle of my talk. Well, they came all right, and brought the whole squad, about a dozen, and not just to demonstrate. These girls had the whole auditorium up and cheering for old “OHS”. They are great cheerleaders and they’re cheering for a great football team. The Oologah Mustangs are undefeated, led by a great back, Ryder Hill, and great blockers in the line, and scoring about 40 points a game.

Now, these girls have a tradition of doing push-ups after every score, equal to the total score. On Friday nights they may do 150 to 200. Only school where the cheerleaders are in as good a shape as the players, and better than some. The crowd does their part by counting off the push-ups. You know, there are babies born at Oologah who learn to count by their parents taking ’em to football games. Well, I had to get them to do some push-ups along with the cheers. They did 21, and those kids loved counting for them.

I left Oologah, appreciating more than ever how these teachers keep their young students excited about learning, for hours every day. And with no assistance from cheerleaders or rope spinners.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“There is nothing in the world like home. You can roam all over the world, but after all, it’s what the people at home think of you that really counts.” WA #128, May 24, 1925

“See where there’s a bill in Congress to make a road from Brownsville, Texas, up along the Rio Grande to El Paso, then on out to San Diego along the Mexican boundary. It’s a good idea and should be built, but it’s called a military highway… Can’t you get government aid without calling it military?” DT # 449, Jan. 3, 1928

# 295, November 5, 2003

CLAREMORE, Okla: Yesterday the celebrations lasted all day, from the birthday party at the Dog Iron Ranch, where entertainment was provided by the Oologah 4^th grade Western Choir and a dozen students from Russia singing “Happy Birthday” in Russian and English, to the Tulsa Rotary Club gala banquet which honored Mr. Henry Zarrow for a long and generous lifetime of service to the town. In between, the Cherokee ladies of Pocahontas Club led a dignified and delightful ceremony at the Museum, and students from the Cherokee School sang and danced carrying on the Cherokee tradition.

Now, mind you, this wrapped up four days in Oklahoma that started with the Bedlam battle on Saturday as the Cowboys of OSU invaded the OU Sooners at Norman. After winning the last two years, the Cowboys came up a little short, 52-9. Kinda like a hundred years ago when real cowboys got fenced off their old range turf by “sooners”. Bob Stoops’ defensive line played like an 8-strand barbed wire fence stretched across the field. Nothing got through.

I watched it on television like most of the state and much of the country. My “offer” to accept an extra ticket got only one reply, from a friend at Ok State who apologized he only had a ticket for himself, and even his wife would have to watch the game from home. By the third quarter he may have been willing to loan me his seat.

Sunday afternoon was the big Parade down Will Rogers Blvd. As he does every year, Gene Pyeatt drove his 1921 Model T Huckster to sorta escort me along. I walked the entire route, but that understates my distance considerably. You see, Claremore, to accommodate the growing population of automobiles a couple of years ago, widened the street, officially, to five lanes. But in a pinch this blvd. could squeeze in at least eleven car widths. So when I shake hands and greet folks on both sides, there’s a lot of zigzagging that burns off layers of shoe leather.

For next year I propose they make the parade a round trip, so we go down along one side, make a u-turn in the middle of the street at the Claremore Daily Progress office tower, and return along the other side. That way the queens and dignitaries and politicians riding on the back of their convertibles only have to look and wave in one direction.

You can meet interesting folks in a parade. Right behind me was Cara Cowan, an elected representative of the Cherokee Nation from here in Claremore. She’s a young professional engineer with some great ideas.

Farther back in the parade was another wonderful woman, a Choctaw, running for the U.S. Congress named Free. That’s her name, Kayln Free. She ought to be elected based on her name alone. Here, we’ve been electing Congressmen for over two hundred years, and there’s not a one of them that didn’t cost us. Electing a Free one would be such a novelty its hard to imagine what she might accomplish in Washington.

On Monday, Oologah schools invited me to address the elementary grades. I’ll save that story for next week’s commentary.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Oologah, Okla., my real old home, had a fine celebration Saturday.” DT #1328, Oct. 26, 1930

“I am pretty sore today. Am looking for the ones that reminded me that 55 years ago today at Oologah, Indian Territory, on Nov. 4, 1879, a boy baby was born. Well anyhow, played a game of polo and roped calves all day, so there is life in the old nag yet.” DT #2573, Nov. 4, 1934

“Going to have beans for supper tonight. I said supper, six o’clock, navy beans, cooked in Oklahoma ham, raised on the Dog Iron Ranch at Oologah. Cooked plenty soupy like. Got to eat ’em with a spoon, raw onions and corn bread, nothing else. Anybody that would want anything else ought to be shot.” WA #583, Feb. 25, 1934

“Personally, I have toured and looked over every city in the United States in the past year, and I think Tulsa is the livest, most progressive one, with the exception of Claremore, in the United States. It’s the hub of the Oil Industry, so every Realtor should study Tulsa. If your state or city ever strikes oil you will know how an oil city should be conducted.” How To Be Funny, date??

# 294, October 26, 2003

CLAREMORE, Okla: It’s good to be home. I flew into Tulsa Thursday morning, rented a car and headed to Tahlequah in Cherokee County. The Sancta Sophia Seminary, situated ten miles north of Tahlequah according to their directions, invited me to speak to their present and aspiring preachers.

Drove through Muskogee, and the old historic section of Tahlequah, then headed north into the scenic hill country to find this Seminary. They sent me good instructions, told where to make every turn, even said where the blacktop would turn into a gravel road.

After about nine miles, with seldom any sign of civilization, I started up a steep grade, and then I remembered how they often build churches on top of the hill. It’s either to be closer to God or farther from the Devil, one or the other. Well, about half way up there, I wasn’t contemplating either God or the Devil. What I was thinking was, I should have rented a horse.

But once that old Chevy got to the top, what a beautiful sight. It was worth the climb. They’re a delightful bunch and I can’t recall ever having a better audience.

Then I spent the next three days wandering over northeastern Oklahoma. Mainly Claremore, and Oologah but also Pryor and Jay, kinda getting reacquainted with the home folks.

Lots of news in the papers this week…

Miami beat the Yankees in the World Series, in case you missed it.

A fellow named Kirk Jones went over Niagara Falls, and lived. Now let me ask you. Soon as you heard that, did you wonder if it was a pilot for a new Hollywood reality show? Survivor Falls? More likely, with book and movie rights, he’ll be Kirk Millionaire.

Three hundred illegal immigrants were arrested for working at Wal-Mart. The next day Massachusetts invited all 300 to apply for a drivers license.

But the big news in Oklahoma, other than football, is that the state is getting fat. I don’t mean fat on revenues, they’re broke like every other state. No, I mean fat on food.

“The Oklahoman” newspaper yesterday said “Obesity Continues to Grow”. Over half of Oklahomans are overweight and one-fourth are obese, or in today’s vernacular, supersized. Folks claim they’ve tried almost everything except maybe to change their eating and exercising habits. Stomach stapling is the latest fad.

Now, you folks that read my Weekly Comments on a regular basis know that I seldom bring up my personal life. But here is one time I will make an exception, and maybe offer a solution for Oklahoma’s fat problem.

In March I weighed 220. By August I was at 180 and that’s where it’s staying. I ain’t telling you that to boast or brag, in fact I am mighty ashamed to admit my weight got away from me. I’m glad it’s back where it was many years ago, without resorting to a suction tube, starvation or a staple gun.

You’re wondering, what’s the secret? Sometimes I kid around and say it’s “Will” power. But really, it’s that low carbohydrate Adkins plan. I have found if you focus on the good things you can eat, like meat, lettuce, eggs, butter, cheese, berries and almonds, then you don’t miss so much the things you eliminate including desserts, bread, potatoes, regular cereal, chips, milk, juice and sugared drinks. Get yourself one of those Adkins books, and you’ll find plenty of good stuff to eat.

I would never claim this is the weight control plan for everyone, but it works for a few million of us, so you may as well take a crack at it. Be sure to get your wife or husband to support you, your friends too, and folks you work with. You sure don’t need them offering you food and drink you can’t have, and you might even cause some of them to join you.

Here’s your first test. On Halloween, give all the leftover candy to charity or feed it to the hogs.

Can you believe my good luck. I’m coming back here next weekend. Oklahoma plays Oklahoma State in the biggest college game of the day and if you have a spare ticket… well, all I can promise is I don’t need quite as much space as before.

“My” birthday is Tuesday, election day, and Claremore is putting on a parade Sunday afternoon, so I’ll be here for it. If I walk the full two mile route, I figure I can eat a big slice of birthday cake, without objection from the Adkins folks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(This is from a speech Will made at a banquet for the corset manufacturers) “When our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help bring them back to some semblance of a human frame.” WA #12, March 4, 1923

# 293, October 15, 2003

COLUMBUS: Chicago got flattened tonight. Al Capone and Mrs’ O’Leary’s cow combined couldn’t have done any worse. The whole country was cheering for the Cubs, except for a handful of folks in Miami, but it made no difference. Mr. Wrigley’s boys played like they had gum stuck to their shoes.

They can’t blame it all on that one fan in Game 6. There’s no single play in baseball that gets you 8 runs. Still, I bet when that game ended there was a bunch of you thinking of Bill Buckner.

When the Florida Marlins hired Jack McKeon to manage the team, everyone said he was too old to win. Well, he is 72, but his team is in the World Series, and a whole lot of younger fellows will be sitting at home watching ’em play. They forgot something else. This is south Florida. Anyone 72 is middle age.

The Red Sox and Yankees play Game 7 tomorrow. You better believe the folks running the television network are pulling for Boston, just like they were rooting for the Cubs.

Here in Columbus the Quarter Horse Congress is going on at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. There’s horses everywhere you look, but there’s more trailers, and trucks to pull ’em with, than there are horses.

I saw one big long trailer, with room for 3 horses in back, plus living quarters for a whole family. Boy, you talk about money. Walnut paneling, air conditioning, plush carpet. And that was just for the horses.

I wouldn’t mind having one of those luxury trailers. Of course we would have to sell the house to afford it. Then it would take one of those big dually pickup trucks to tow it, so in the long run I figure I’m better off keeping the house.

Since we talked last, Arnold cleaned up in California. I didn’t have to dig out my Resignation Speech, so I may go to Oklahoma and check out the race for Senate. Don Nichols is retiring, but between J.C. Watts, Steve Largent, Frank Keating, and a couple of dark horse candidates I might get just as many votes as I did in California.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“The country has gone sane and got back to horses.” DT #2112, May 11, 1933

# 292, October 5, 2003

COLUMBUS: The Chicago Cubs put baseball back on the front page tonight. Football gets page 2, and you’ll find Politics on the back of the Society section.

The Cubs beat Atlanta which means they might even get on the Weather page. For 95 years everyone said when the Cubs win in October, it’ll be a cold day…

They take on one of the Florida teams next. I think it’s the Marlins but it could be the Dolphins or Gators. The Red Sox hope to win tomorrow and then take on the Yankees. If you think baseball is taking some crazy bounces, wait till you hear what the Cleveland Browns did to the Steelers in football tonight. The Browns hadn’t won in Pittsburgh in what seemed like 95 years.

If you don’t care about sports you still have the California Governor’s race to cheer about. Arnold got so much attention this week from various women that Gray Davis was thinking maybe he should pinch a few just to get his name back in the news.

Several women have claimed that Arnold acted inappropriately. And he admitted to bad behavior of a sexual nature, which seems to me like a ploy to draw more Democrat votes. He blamed it on his early Hollywood days, which apparently lasted till about three years ago.

Personally, I’m outraged. He’s giving Hollywood a bad name, and nobody is standing up to defend the high moral character of that fine community. Just think, it has taken Hollywood some eighty years to establish a reputation, and Arnold is allowed to blemish our image for mere political gain.

There are 135 names on the ballot, and 15 million Californians have had two months to pick one and learn how to punch out a small hole in front of it. I figure I’ll get as many votes accidentally as about 130 of them will on purpose. Remember my campaign promise: “Elect Rogers and He Will Resign”.

The “Do not call list” went into effect this week. The telemarketers got a few judges to say it’s all right for them to call you anyway. Their legal argument is that it is not fair that 6 million telephone marketers have nobody to talk to but each other.

If you are one of the 50 million on that list, and you want to share your feelings personally with the Telemarketers Association, here is their phone number: 317-816-9336. They prefer that you call during regular business hours, so you don’t interrupt their dinner.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that world series is on.” DT #683, Oct. 3, 1928

“You hear ten people ask, ‘Who is going to pitch for the Yankees tomorrow?’ where you don’t hear one ask, ‘Who is going to be elected?'” DT #675, Sept. 24, 1928

# 291, Sept. 24, 2003

RANTOUL, Illinois: The farm fields around here in eastern Illinois have some of the best soils in the world. If the rains come when they’re needed, corn grows 200 bushels to the acre, and after harvest, the farmer can afford a new pickup truck for himself and remodel the kitchen for the family.

But this rich soil has one slight defect. Too much rain and this flat ground turns into M-U-D. And that’s what it is today. MUD. Now ordinarily that is not a problem…that 200-bushel corn is still standing so you let it dry out a couple of weeks, and go on with harvest.

But this year, this week, mud is a problem. See, the folks that publish the Prairie Farmer and Indiana Prairie Farmer and a bunch of other “state” Farmer magazines put on a big Farm Progress Show every year. This year it’s here.

Now yesterday was fine. And over a hundred thousand farmers were here. Those were the smart farmers, the ones who looked at the weather map and saw what was coming later.

Sure enough, last night it rained… and rained some more… and washed out the Show for today. And probably tomorrow.

So today, folks like me that go by the calendar instead of doppler radar, have no Show to show up at. The exhibitors that intended to use their tractors to demonstrate the newest tillage equipment are instead using them to pull out campers and motor homes and pickup trucks.

Meanwhile, we may as well relax and stop at a neighborhood restaurant, like Ott’s right here in Rantoul. They all stocked up for the crowds, so no one will go home hungry. And there’s the Aerospace Museum at the old Chanute Air Base. It’s where Lindbergh learned to fly, and the famous Tuskegee Airmen. And… the parking lot is paved.

There will be another show next year, and folks that are disappointed today will show up for it. That’s farmers for you, always looking ahead to a brighter day.

Out in California tonight, the candidate debate went on without me. The arguments got kinda hot a few times, even personal. It’s odd. Here, we’re surrounded by mud. But California is where they’re slinging it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“(The farmer) has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” WA #57, Jan. 13, 1924

# 290, Sept. 19, 2003

COLUMBUS: Gen. Wesley Clark announced this week he is running for President. That’s another candidate no one’s heard of, except for those of you that watched CNN during the war. They say he’s fine man, brilliant, really intelligent. But it makes you wonder, if he’s that smart, why would he want to campaign for President.

That brings the total candidates up to around ten. Senator Edwards has been running for a year, but he went home to North Carolina to make the official announcement. The next day, in a move blamed on the Republicans, Hurricane Isabel took dead aim for the state.

Senator Graham of Florida and a couple of others may drop out. They are postponing their withdrawal as long as they can. Mr. Graham said it’s kind of like the sound of a tree falling in the woods. If nobody knows you’re running, will they even hear that you dropped out.

These Presidential candidates were looking forward to October and the end of the California recall election. But some Federal judges want to delay the election till March, I guess because two months is too short a time to inflict the required pain and suffering on a state’s voters. They figure Californians need an extra five months to learn how to spell Bustamante or Swartzenegger.

Speaking of that hurricane, we knew for a week Isabel was coming. Officials told the folks on the barrier islands and the shore to get away from the hurricane, to leave immediately. Did you notice that most of us heard this news from TV reporters who had gone TOWARD the hurricane? What were they thinking? It made any sane man wonder if they had all adopted the Fox theme, “We report; you decide if we’re stupid.”

I have come to the conclusion that every house built along there should have a room attached to the garage filled with plywood, precut to fit all windows and doors. It’s more needed than storm cellars in the middle west.

Not everyone believes in the Bible, but that verse about not building your house on sand is hard to argue with. Naturally, we’ll all pitch in to help those that got blown away or flooded out, but maybe like drunk drivers that get caught, they should have to complete a course. This one would be on “Common Sense Construction and Home Buying”.

Weather has been good in Ohio, best two weeks of the whole summer. Farmers are in high spirits. Crops are fine, not ideal but good enough.

We lost two fine men in the entertainment business. Tex Ritter’s boy, John, was a fine comedian and actor still in his prime. And the legend, Johnny Cash. His heart and mind were still young, his voice one of a kind. He just missed June too much to go on living.

Johnny’s son-in-law, Rodney Crowell, paid “me” a nice compliment. He said, “Johnny Cash will, like Will Rogers, stand forever as a symbol of intelligence, creativity, compassion and common sense.” Well, I sure appreciate the comparison. And you’ll notice Rodney has a lot of common sense and intelligence himself, because he didn’t include anything about my singing and guitar playing.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Every time we have an election we get in worse men, and the country keeps right on going. Times have only proven one thing, and that is that you can’t ruin this country even with politics.” WA 306, Nov. 4, 1928

# 289, Sept. 10, 2003

COLUMBUS: Today, I am announcing my campaign Slogan. It may not be as memorable as the Lt. Governor’s slogan, “Bustamante or Bust!” And it won’t stand out quite like the one for Mary Carey campaigning in a bikini, “Bust!”

But I will stand by my slogan, same as in 1928. Here it is:

“IF ELECTED I ABSOLUTELY AND POSITIVELY AGREE TO RESIGN. That’s my only Campaign pledge, or Slogan, ELECT ROGERS AND HE WILL RESIGN. That’s offering the (state) more than any Candidate ever offered it in the entire History of its existence.”

Peter Ueberroth did me one better. He resigned before being elected.

I’m getting off this California campaign trail, at least for a while. Next week I’ll dig up something entertaining for the other 49 states, and maybe the rest of the world. The Texas Democrats are back in Austin, and Congress is back in town, except the ones running for President. There’s so many it’s harder to get a quorum in Washington than in Texas.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (1928, Life magazine, with only a couple of changes.)

The process is called a “political campaign.” It involves an incalculable amount of energy, expense, heartache, boredom and general nuisance. It is, from beginning to end, a colossal waste of time, for those actively engaged in it and for those who have to read about it in the newspapers and listen to it over the radio.

I believe that the candidates would have all been better off if they had pulled a (Calvin) Coolidge and got down in their shell and not come out till the votes were counted, for the less a voter knows about you the longer he is liable to vote for you.

My religion, foreign travel, or style of hat has never even been referred to. No attempt has been made to cash in on any Sex Appeal I may unconsciously possess. So I may be defeated on election day, but if I am I can retire as a Gentleman and NOT a politician.

 

Sept. 4, 2003

COLUMBUS: The California candidate debate started yesterday. They began with five out of the135, so this debate is liable to go on longer than a Jerry Lewis Telethon. And it won’t do a tenth the good.

I figure by the time the interviewers all ask their questions of each candidate, and then bring in another five for the same questions, and so on with another five, by the time they finally get down to the “R’s” it’ll take at least a week, and I’ll be ready for ’em.

Arnold is stalling till he has heard the questions a few times. His advisors are still pondering on some issues and he will make his pronouncements just as soon as they write the script. He figures he’ll be ready to join in on the second round of debates the fourth week of September, and it may take that long to finish the first round.

Frankly, I’m disappointed. No one, from any party, has contacted me yet about resigning as a candidate. I was kinda hoping to get a substantial offer, and then see if anybody would raise it. But I’m afraid the market value of candidates got slammed pretty low when Bill Simon dropped out for nothing. He could have done us candidates a favor and held out for at least enough to cover the filing fee.

Governor Davis is facing a monumental decision, whether to sign the bill to give illegal immigrants a driver’s license. Some folks say there are two million of ’em lined up at the license bureau, with another half a million thumbing in from Arizona. Mr. Davis has asked his Attorney General the one big question that will determine if he signs the bill: If I let them drive, will they all vote “No” on the Recall?

Tune in next week when I will reveal my one and only campaign Slogan. And my slogan will double as a solemn Pledge. I guarantee I’ll keep it, given the opportunity. See you next week.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers: (1928 Life magazine, with only names, locations and a couple of other non-essentials altered to fit.)

Our Party thinks that if a man is in Public life and he can’t find out what is going on without a Committee telling him, why he has no business asking for the Public’s support.

Farm relief: Arnold is honest about that, He says he don’t know a corn stalk from jimpson weed, and that a Tractor might be a mouthwash as far as he is concerned, and Boll-weevil might be a brand of corn liquor, or it might be a fertilizer.

Now as to my own affairs…. I have made a lot of promises, But they were only political promises and I have no idea of keeping any of them.

Of all the Bunk handed out during a campaign the biggest one of all is to try and compliment the knowledge of the voter. And tell him he can’t be fooled like he used to be. Candidates are always complimenting the intelligence of their audience. These fellows know the voters don’t know any more than they did in previous years.

How are the voters going to be any smarter when the Candidates themselves are no smarter? Even with the able men we have this year, you don’t suppose that they are an improvement over Lincoln, Jefferson, or Teddy Roosevelt.

No, we are more “smart Alec” than we ever were, but we are no smarter. We read more and we hear more over the radio, but the stuff we read and the stuff we hear don’t make us any smarter.

The people that write it, and the ones that talk it out over the radio (and television), are no smarter than the ones that used to hand down the dope for our old forefathers.

They go to the polls in an automobile, but they don’t carry any more in their heads than the old timer that went there on a mule. So the old Bunk that you can’t fool the voter is the biggest Bunk there is. He has been fooled all his life and he will always be fooled.

There is just as many half wits voting Republican today because their fathers voted that way as there ever was. There is just as many voting Democratic because they have heard their folks tell about how the Republicans treated them as there ever was.

If the voter is as smart as they say, why do they have to tell him anything, why do they have literature, and campaigns, and speeches? Why does each candidate have to spend millions of dollars trying to buy votes with propaganda?

The oldest form of Bunk in the world is to say how “Well informed the voters are and that they can’t be misled by our opponents.” I doubt if at any time during the history of the world were we ever as downright Dumb as we are today.

I think you will find that Campaigns have ruined more men than they ever made.

 

August 29, 2003

COLUMBUS: Before I get back on the California campaign trail, I must throw in a comment on the judicial situation in one of our fine southern states. This is an authentic quote (March 17, 1935), with three words added. “Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made ’em short. They may not always be kept, but they can be understood. They’re the same for (everybody).” Even in Alabama.

In this California race, Arnold says in his younger Hollywood actor days he practiced what you and I might modestly call “unusual sex habits”. Personally I think this admission is just an underhanded attempt to steal votes from Larry Flint.

He also aims to get the votes of all drug users in California, and if he can pull that off too, it’ll give him a majority for sure. So Cruz and I have our work cut out for us.

Last week I promised you a debate with Mr. Bustamante, so I’ve got to dig up something we can disagree on. He’s a farm boy who grew up to become a politician. I’m a cowboy who never grew up, and therefore became a humorist.

As a boy he picked cotton, so I will concede to him the votes of all who pick cotton by hand if he’ll give me all the ranchers and dairy farmers. He also picked peaches, and he can have all the peach pickers if I can have the grape growers and assorted byproducts. Some folks say I’m plumb nutty, so I should rightfully be entitled to all nut growers. Cruz and I could argue over the grass growers, but Arnold is counting on those votes, and I don’t have the nerve to tell him the grass we’re referring to is alfalfa, orchardgrass and pasture fields.

Cruz and some other Mexicans have said California should be returned to Mexico. Other candidates disagree and say we should return the Mexicans to Mexico and keep California. I suggest a compromise: let’s give California to Mexico, but keep the water.

But it don’t matter what any candidate wants because, in the shape California’s in today, I don’t think Mexico would take her. If Mexico would pay off the debt and cover the upkeep and overhead, California would come out way ahead on the deal, but you watch Mexico wise up and decline the offer.

Lt. Governor Bustamante is in favor of illegal aliens getting drivers licenses. I’m scratching my head on that one. When the person shows up to take the driving test, won’t the police officer running the test suspect something? I know we’ve got more cars than we do drivers, but traffic ain’t what we’re short of. California has more cars than pavement to drive ’em on, the same as it was eighty years ago. Is there a shortage of taxi drivers in Los Angeles who don’t speak English?

Cruz, I do see one thing in your favor on this one. If we give a license to illegal aliens, when we deport them they can drive themselves to the border.

Here’s more Historical quotes from Will Rogers, with only a few changes in names and location. (Life magazine, 1928)

I am carrying my campaign along dignified lines. It’s the Future my party is looking to, not the past. So I hope there is some sane people in California who will appreciate dignity, and not showmanship, in their choice for Governor.

In the course of events I had to come East. I am the only Candidate that is tending to his own business and not to the people’s. These other fellows (I can’t think of their names offhand), they are devoting their entire time to nothing but spending money and time trying to show that California will perhaps be on a level with Nicaragua if they are not put in charge of it.

I am not going out around the state making a monkey of myself just to let people see what kind of a man they would have in Sacramento if elected. I did all that before I was nominated.

Being a Candidate didn’t give me a chance to see the state. I had seen it before.

Mr. Bustamante made a mighty fine speech, considering the material he had to work with. A Democratic speech is hard to make sound reasonable, because they are not supposed to be. All in all Cruz did a mighty fine job of promising.

But I think my platform is more constructive. I will make up mine after I get in. Then in case I don’t get in why I haven’t had the trouble of framing up one for nothing. Nobody knows what they might want by October anyhow.

So I will give the people what they want, as they want it. But I figure on everybody being so well off that they won’t need anything. I wouldn’t have got myself mixed up in this Campaign if I’d thought I would have any problems to face.

If the election goes to the one who conducted their campaign on the highest plane, the Anti-Bunk would win in a walk. Our party has placed Dignity above Showmanship, so the majority of people don’t even know I’m running.