Author: Randall Reeder

Snow slows Ohio, but politicians plow ahead

COLUMBUS: You probably read about the snow storm that stretched from Texas and Oklahoma up through Kentucky and Ohio, and into Canada. Columbus got 15 to 20 inches, and the Columbus Dispatch headline read, “Blizzard of 2008”. Cleveland got twice as much and they called it a weekly occurrence.

Everything is crammed together this month. Ohio blizzard Saturday, daylight savings time Sunday (if you’ve got to give up an hour, this was a good weekend to do it); then next week we’ve got Palm Sunday, St. Patrick’s Day, first day of Spring, and Easter. Only thing that’s stretched out is the Democrat race for President. Nothing left in April except Fool’s Day, Tax Day and the Pennsylvania Primary.

Hillary Clinton sure bounced back in Texas and Ohio, but Senator Obama still holds the delegates. Michigan and Florida are back in the spotlight, and the only thing keeping ’em from scheduling new primaries is about thirty million dollars. Howard Deen says the Democrat Party won’t pay it; the Governors say it’s not our bill.

Only choice left is donations to fund ’em. I heard James Carville on CNN today promise to raise fifteen million. You just watch; if they schedule those primaries in the middle of June the other fifteen will quickly be donated (anonymously of course) by the Republicans.

Before I go on, in fairness, I must admit to you that “I’m not a member of any organized political party…. I’m a Democrat.” This campaign season, for both parties, has shown an inherent deficiency of judgement in organizing primaries and caucuses. They stretch ’em out, in all 50 states, from January to June, but then admit they really want the races decided by the first week in February. Well, the voters rebelled at the idea of ending the game after the first inning.

I bet, if you could get ’em to admit it, they wish they had accepted my proposal from a year ago, to hold all 50 primaries on the same day: the first Tuesday in November 2007. As it is, the Democrats are looking at a convention resembling the one in 1924 in New York. Main ones benefitting, besides Republicans, are us comedians. (See second quote below)

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

   “Thank you very much. We’re here an hour earlier today. It seems kind of funny – with everybody advised to spend and the government spending everything, and then – it seems sort of funny for somebody to save a little daylight nowadays. Put a little bit of it on the budget or something.” Radio, April 28, 1935

   (After 5 days, and about 50 ballots) “Well, they have been balloting all day at the Democratic side show at (Madison Square) Garden, for that is what some misguided people think is the nominating place. The real nomination is taking place in a room at some hotel with less than six men present. And when it is known it will be as big a surprise to those delegates as it will be out in Arizona, and you will have just as much to do with it as they will have had.
They have been here so long it looks like a scheme on New York’s part to hold these people here until after the next census is taken. Every day somebody prays. Yesterday it was the audience.
I sat up on the speaker’s stand and I found a book of rules. An uninstructed delegate [super delegate in 2008?] is one whom his district sent here with a free rein to use his own judgment, but when he comes back he is supposed to give up 50 per cent of whatever his vote brought. An alternate is a man sent along to watch the delegate and see that he turns in the right amount, and it is also his duty to get out and drum up trade and keep track of prices and see what they are bringing other places. He, according to the rules, is to receive 10 per cent of the gross.” Democratic Convention, Article #9, July 1, 1924

“America has the best politicians money can buy.” (Undated notes)

Weekly Comments: Presidential primaries reach pinnacle

COLUMBUS: Just when you thought the Presidential race had narrowed to three Senators, why up steps Ralph Nader for another crack at it. Senator Obama and Senator Clinton were not too thrilled at the news, but Senator McCain seemed excited that he is no longer the “old man” in the race. I guess neither McCain or Nader got the word this is no country for old men.

Nader announced his platform today. He wants to pull out of Iraq in six months, raise taxes on the rich, and require that General Motors recall all the Corvairs.

I’m not forgetting Ron Paul or Mike Huckabee. They’re still campaigning. In fact Gov. Huckabee appeared on Saturday Night Live and drew a bigger audience than the CNN Obama-Clinton debate. In fact Huckabee was funnier than Jon Stewart on the Academy Awards. Now Jon is a fine comedian, but his writers were on strike so long they’re rusty.

Congressman Paul, with his 16 committed delegates, continues his run on the internet. If only he could get the voting done by e-mail, and not just fund raising, he might get in there.

All these candidates are swarming over Ohio, with a few side trips to Texas and Rhode Island. Television reporters are saying these primaries on March 4 will decide the election. Of course the same reporters said February 5 would decide the election.

Ohio knows it may be the deciding state on November 4, so the Secretary of State is spending millions to get the latest, fastest, foolproof, and one hundred percent accurate voting method in place for the election. Know what it is? Don’t laugh, it’s paper ballots.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Here was Jimmy Cox, a fine man, and Governor of (Ohio). He had never been in the Senate, but that should have been an asset instead of a liability. The Senate has furnished more officeholders and less Presidents than any industry we have.” Saturday Evening Post, May 1, 1926

“If all these various third parties would just look at their history (it) shows that none of them ever did get in (the White House).” Radio broadcast, April 21, 1935

Presidential politics: 1932 vs. 2008

COLUMBUS: For the past few months Ohio has been kinda laughing at you folks in other states with all the Presidential campaigning. Well, now that the candidates, what’s left of ’em, have landed full force on Buckeye soil it ain’t so funny. The entire Clinton clan, Hillary, Bill and Chelsea, was here, just not at the same time; Senator Obama, Michelle Obama and Ted Kennedy (but not Oprah) stopped in.

We haven’t reached Washington’s birthday yet, and the field has been whittled down to 3 candidates. Yes, I know Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul are hanging on by a thread. But really it’s down to three with six more months to go until the conventions.

With these early primaries I decided to look back at another election year, 1932. We hear about a likely recession in 2008, but it’s nothing compared to the economy in 1932.

In February 1932, there was hardly any news about presidential candidates. Two New Yorkers, Al Smith and Franklin Roosevelt, had skirmished a little. New Hampshire held the first primary, March 6, won by Roosevelt. But not until late April did anything substantial happen: “I bet Al Smith threw a scare into some of these wise politicians that they won’t forget for some time. Whoever advised Roosevelt to enter that (Massachusetts) primary anyhow? Running against Smith in Massachusetts is like trying to win a debate with Sister Aimee on her grounds.” (April 27, 1932)

Then, in the middle of the worst Depression in history, Congress raised the income tax. Can you imagine that happening today? “The big writers are hollering now that Congress “soaked the rich” by raising the rate after it passed $1,000,000 to 45 per cent. Why the holler?… You can’t legitimately kick on income tax, for it’s on what you have made.” (April 28) [Actually by the time the bill passed Congress, the top rate was 55%.]

The next week California held a primary. “Tomorrow is primary day out here in California. Course, it’s all cut and dried with the Republicans, but the old Democrats out here in Orangejuiceville have got a chance to name the next Democratic nominee. Al Smith’s big spurt in the East has shown that Governor Roosevelt can’t possibly go to the convention with enough to nominate. Give (John Nance) Garner California and Texas and he will be sitting prettier than any of the three.” (May 2) [FDR finished second to Garner in Cal.]

“About all these primaries prove around the country is that the Democrats have got three good men and the Republicans only one. It looks to me like any man that wants to be President in times like these lacks something.” (May 4)

In mid-June the Republicans nominated Hoover for a second term. Then the Democratic convention started June 26, less than four months after the first primary. Because so many states had “favorite son” candidates no one received the required number of votes on the first ballot. During the third ballot, Roosevelt essentially offered Garner the Vice-Presidency in return for the Texas delegates, and that gave him the nomination over Al Smith. Considering the horrible state of the economy Roosevelt was assured a landslide victory in November.

That was 1932. In 2008, will the offer of the Vice-Presidency determine the nomination, and the election?

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (in addition to several above)

“There is one thing you can bet on this year. No voter is going to do anything that a politician thinks he will do. The way most people feel they would like to vote against all of ’em if it was possible.” DT #1797, April 27, 1932

Presidential political field narrows

COLUMBUS: This week Mitt Romney dropped out. He decided to keep his remaining millions invested in something with a better return than politics. That leaves the Republicans with Senator McCain leading, and Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul kinda nipping at his heels. Their biggest argument will be over who gets to run for Vice-President. Ohio will get into the V-P sweepstakes, maybe by offering up former Congressman John Kasich. He’s a businessman and he knows economics.

The Democrats have a nail-biter of a race. Senator Clinton wins the big primaries, but Senator Obama wins all the small states. Now, two of the big states don’t count because Michigan and Florida jumped the gun. See, in football that’s a 5-yard penalty, but in politics you forfeit the game.

Then we have the so-called super delegates, who are mostly just office holders. They put themselves in a precarious position. If this race ends in a tie, those birds will play the same role at the Convention as the Supreme Court did in the 2000 election. Democrats have had some dandy conventions, but this one may go down in history as the Donnybrook in Denver. By August ticket scalpers will be getting $2000 a seat.

I was surprised to read that Senator Clinton loaned her own campaign $5 million. In all her talks about her 35 years experience preparing her to be President, why didn’t she tell us about this lucrative work that let her stash away an extra $5 million? And can she use those same skills to raise enough cash to balance the federal budget?

You know that tornadoes are common place in Oklahoma and Kansas. But when one hit last Tuesday in Tennessee the damage was just as devastating. Macon County had 14 deaths and lost about 300 homes, 3 churches, plus a lot damage to farms and businesses. Later a Methodist preacher, his wife and two children died in a traffic collision related to the tornado. The local newspaper, the Macon County Times, often carries my non-syndicated column so I feel a kinship with those folks. ( http://www.maconcountytimes.com)

In California, Gov. Schwarzenegger, in a cost cutting move, has proposed to close the Will Rogers State Park and about 40 other parks. I may be prejudiced, but does that seem smart? If you asked the legal residents of California, I bet they can think of better ways to rid the state of millions in expenses that’s draining the treasury. Besides, California just spent $5 million to fix it all up. Why turn around and shut it down a few months later?

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“It sure is a bad time for a man to get ambitious and want to go into politics. There never was a time when respect for public office was at such a low ebb.” December 28, 1930

Big Upset on Super Sunday; what awaits on Super Tuesday?

COLUMBUS: The New England Patriots could not quite hold on. Thirty seconds from a perfect season, they crumbled in the face of a final onslaught by the New York Giants. Some will blame the “Curse of Babe Ruth”, but really, it was a super defense. [Score: 17-14]

We shouldn’t be surprised. College football started the “year of upsets”, and in the NFL half the playoff games were upsets. The only surprise would have been if the Patriots had won.

On a night when a team with six losses knocked off the undefeated and prohibitive favorite, Dennis Kucinich was home in Cleveland, muttering to himself, “Why did I drop out so soon?”

Now that football season has ended, it’s time to start the political season. Up to now it’s been more like a pre-season with just a few early scrimmages. They were expensive scrimmages, and plenty of players have been lost to the sidelines, but Tuesday, finally, is Opening Day.

Among the dropouts since we chatted last (in addition to Congressman Kucinich), was Rudy Giuliani. He spent $50 million in Florida, and all he got for it was one delegate. Best example I’ve seen yet of this pronouncement: “Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays.” (DT #1538, June 28, 1931). Of course a New Yorker losing $50 million in Florida is nothing new, but it was usually lost on swampland.

If you live in one of those states voting Tuesday, you are being reminded over and over (and over) who to vote for. Nobody has enough delegates so far to matter, regardless of what they tell you.

Let me remind you of the results of the one early primary that counted for something, the National No-Till Farmer Primary. Barack Obama edged Hillary Clinton in the Democratic vote, and Mike Huckabee barely beat John McCain among Republicans. So if you want to follow the trend, vote for one of these folks. Otherwise vote your conscience, or however your wife tells you. “Besides who cares nowadays who is elected to anything, they are not in office three days till we realize our mistake and wish the other one had got in?” (Saturday Evening Post, May 20, 1926)

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a Super Nation.” DT #1948, Nov. 1, 1932

Special edition by an old columnist

(Randall is on vacation this week, so Will Rogers is filling in. These little Historical tidbits should help prepare you to endure the onslaught of Primaries, interrupted momentarily by the State of the Union address and the Super Bowl.)

Being serious or being a good fellow has got nothing to do with running this country. If the breaks are with you, you could be a laughing hyena and still have a great administration.

Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians. I like to watch both of ’em at play, either back home in their native state, or after they’ve been captured and sent to a zoo, or to Washington.

No voter is going to do anything that a politician thinks he will do (this year). The way most people feel they would like to vote against all of ’em if it was possible.

The two greatest traits to recommend the Democrats is optimism and humor. You’ve got to be an optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.

Democrats never agree on anything, that’s why they’re Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

The Democrats and the Republicans are equally corrupt—it’s only in the amount where the Republicans excel.

Republicans want a candidate that can lend dignity to the office. Democrats want one that will lend money.

A Republican moves slowly. They are what we call conservatives. A conservative is a man who has plenty of money and doesn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t always have plenty of money. A Democrat is a fellow who never had any, but doesn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t have some.

You know how Congress is. They’ll vote for anything if the thing they vote for will turn around and vote for them.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously, and the politicians as a joke, when it used to be vice versa.

Many a politician wishes there was a law to burn old records.

Our president delivered his State of the Union message to Congress. That is one of the things his contract calls for — to tell Congress the condition of the country. This message, as I say, is to Congress. The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the president has to tell ‘em.

A president just can’t make much showing against Congress. They lay awake nights, thinking up things to be against the president on.

You know Lincoln’s famous remark about “God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them?” Well, you are not going to get people’s votes nowadays by calling ‘em common. Lincoln might have said it, but I bet it was not until after he was elected.

I like to make little jokes and kid about the Senators. They are a kind of a never ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement. But the rascals, when you meet ’em face to face and know ’em, they are mighty nice fellows. It must be something in the office that makes ’em so ornery sometimes. When you see what they do officially you want to shoot ’em, but when one looks at you and grins so innocently, why you kinder want to kiss him.

Football, politics and women stimulate the economy

COLUMBUS: The presidential campaigns are chugging along. Let’s see, out of fifty states, Iowa, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Michigan and Nevada have voted, and half of South Carolina. Some television folks can’t understand why the election is still undecided.

In football terms this election is about five minutes into the first quarter. Do they expect a team that’s trailing to give up? Besides, if the candidates all dropped out but two, what would these commentators argue about for the next six months?

The Republican candidates have moved from South Carolina to Florida. Of course Rudy Giuliani has been there all winter. Rudy has been campaigning on lower income taxes. He wants to cut income taxes. And every speech he gives in Florida, he always gets the same question: “What’s an income tax?”

The wackiness of the college football season infiltrated pro football. Of course the undefeated Patriots won, but the Giants? Playing in a sold out Green Bay stadium with temperatures below zero (degrees F, not C), two things were clear: on Sunday, the Giants’ Eli Manning was a better quarterback than Brett Favre of the Packers, and the debate on global warming got muddled. The Super Bowl will be a great game, especially big for folks in the northeast who can’t get enough of watching New York play Boston. The rest of the country was pulling for Green Bay to take on the Patriots.

Congress and President Bush say they are ready to stimulate the economy. They want to give us a hundred fifty Billion dollars with the proviso that we must spend it quickly. You can argue the merits of whether it should go to poor people for food, or business for investment, or as a refund to taxpayers. But if they really want it to be spent in a hurry, give it to women.

Where is the money coming from? Will China and Europe and Saudi Arabia go along and loan it to us? Regardless, the government had better act fast. By the time you read this, Wall Street may have taken more out of the economy than what Congress is proposing to put in.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

(The President and Congress) “are working out a lot of beneficial things. The only thing is it took ’em so long to think of any of ’em. We ought to have plans in case of depression, just like we do in case of fire, ‘Walk, don’t run, to the nearest exit.'” DT #1659, Nov. 16, 1931

“The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out.” DT #2047, Feb. 24, 1933

No-Till Farmer Presidential Primary Results Announced: Sen. Obama and Gov. Huckabee win close contests

[This column is longer than usual, and worth it!!]

COLUMBUS: All I know is what I read in the paper, or learn out on the campaign trail. Another Presidential Primary was conducted Friday (January 11).

I was invited to be the MC for this primary, which was scheduled to be the first in the country. We made the mistake of announcing the date months ahead, and New Hampshire and Iowa jumped us. They couldn’t risk the competition.

These two states depend on Presidential politics for revenue the way Hollywood needs the millions in gross income from Awards shows to replace the dough lost on bad movies.

Wyoming conducted a primary also, but they practically had to buy ad space to get their results in the New York Times. Main difference between Wyoming and this No-Till Farmer election is that we had more voters. This is not a dig at the fine state of Wyoming because we had a bigger population to draw from. Out of all the no-till farmers in the country, almost 800 came to Cincinnati for our convention.

You may be wondering, how did we conduct a Primary so efficiently. Well, we brought all the voters into a big banquet hall, fed ’em noodles and undercooked snap beans, then brought out the candidates one at a time to be interviewed. Unlike these long-winded televised debates, we completed the whole process in about twenty minutes, and everybody marked a ballot. In another ten minutes the votes were tallied. No time for pundits to argue over exit polls.

In the public interest, and to show those other states how to conduct an honest election humorously and without commercial interruption, here’s a sampling of the intellectual exchanges between yours truly and the candidates or their representatives:

[Note to readers: Will Rogers often conducted “interviews” with politicians, where he wrote both sides of the conversation.]

“Welcome our first candidate, Senator John Edwards.”

He came on stage, primping, “How do I look?”

I asked, “Is it true you are for Change?”

He answered, “I’m for Change. Change for the country. Change for the world. Change for you.”

“So far you aren’t doing so well. If you eventually lose, will you still work for change?”

He said, “Work for change? Are you kidding? I’m a trial lawyer; we don’t work for change, we work for dollars. Millions of dollars. If I get defeated I’ll take it like a man, move on, and get back to work. Then I’ll feel better soon as I find somebody to sue. Maybe Monsanto.”

Next came Dennis Kucinich, the boyish-looking Congressman from Cleveland. I asked, “Are you running as Ohio’s Favorite Son?”

He said, “Actually, I’m running as Ohio’s Favorite Grandson.”

Fred Thompson sent his lovely, young wife to represent him. “My husband would have been here himself, but he’s resting up.”

I said, “Well, it’s easy for someone his age to get exhausted campaigning.”

She said, “Campaigning? Honey, it’s not the campaign he’s resting up from. Now, if it’s ok with you, I’m going to go get better acquainted with these voters.”

Next was Mike Huckabee, former governor of a fine agricultural state, and a Baptist preacher. He jumped right in, “After Fred’s wife gets through with this crowd, we may all need to pray for forgiveness of our sins.”

I asked, “Will your religion be a problem in the election?”

He said, “I’ve been asked if I believe only Baptists can get into Heaven. No, of course not. And there’s some Baptists I’ve met here that won’t get in either.”

Rudy Giuliani’s wife was next. “My husband skipped Iowa and New Hampshire. We always wanted the National No-Till Primary to be our first.” Well, that got applause. But, as it turned out, not many votes.

I asked, “Where’s Rudy today.”

She said, “Oh, he had to stay home. He’s behind on writing alimony checks.”

“Are you his second wife?”

She answered, “Actually third. But I’m the youngest. And prettiest, don’t you think?”

We were interrupted by an attractive young lady bounding across the stage. I asked, “Who are you, and what are you doing up here?”

She said breathlessly, “I’m gonna be Rudy Giuliani’s next wife.”

This shocked the current wife, “You can’t take my Rudy. When he’s President, I want to be First Lady.”

Future wife, “Well, ok. You keep him first term. But I get him for the second.”

Current wife, “Let’s go out here and work the crowd. We’ve got that Thompson witch outnumbered.”

Mitt Romney was next. “My wife is at home. And unlike Rudy, I want you folks to know I only have one wife.”

I asked, “What’s your plan to get elected?”

He said, “Spend lots of money. In Iowa every vote I got cost me about $200. Mostly for television commercials. Starting with this No-Till Primary, I have a new plan. I’ll pay directly for each vote.” As he held up a handful of cash, he asked, “Ok, who’ll vote for Romney?”

Not many took him up on the offer. He would’ve got more if corn was still $2.00 a bushel.

We also had conversations on stage with Ron Paul and John McCain.

Barack Obama couldn’t make it to Cincinnati, and neither could Oprah.

The star attraction was Senator Hillary Clinton. She came on stage wearing a skirt. Yes, a skirt. And a tight sweater. She came strolling across the stage, kinda like she got lessons on how to walk from Paris Hilton. Bill was trailing close behind.

She said, “You folks know that last week I was in New Hampshire. I listened to the people there, and in the process I found my true voice. This week I’ve been listening to no-till farmers… and I found the rest of me.”

I tried to interview our former President, but Hillary kept strutting back and forth in front of us, stealing all the attention including his. After being ignored on questions about Pakistan and Russia, I finally got his attention for one: “Didn’t eight years in the White House make you an expert on foreign affairs?”

He grinned, “Actually I’m an expert on all kind of affairs. But right now I’m only interested in Hillary. Take a look at this woman. I’ve never seen her like this. She’s got legs, and everything.”

She heard this, “Oh Bill, you noticed. Do you really think I’m hot? I’m gonna cry.”

I finally got her back on topic, “Earlier John Edwards said he’s for change. Are you for change too?”

She said, “Oh yes. Look at my experience. I’ve been working 35 years for change. Mainly working to change Bill.”

Gov. Bill Richardson was here earlier; got one look at Hillary, and conceded the election.

The results of the National No-Till Primary election are as follows: For the Democrats, Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton by only 3 votes, with John Edwards a distant third. Dennis Kucinich was fourth.

For the Republicans, Mike Huckabee beat John McCain by 4 votes. Far back were Fred Thompson, Ron Paul and Mitt Romney. Rudy Giuliani was last, kinda like a late-closing race horse.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Elections are a good deal like marriages, there’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it’s the same with Public Officials.” WA #126, May 10, 1925

Will speculates: if football games were like presidential primaries

COLUMBUS: It’s 2008, known in America as the Year of the 2-year election campaign. The first preliminary contest was held January 3, ten months before election day, November 4. That’s “my” birthday. I was born on election day, and I think they settled on November 4 this year just for comedy purposes. If ever a nation needed a sense of humor over an election, this is the year.

The primary election season is just underway, and already the newspapers and television folks are telling us who should win.

As I write this, Iowa has voted, and the candidates with their supporters and 20,000 media folks have invaded New Hampshire. By next week, the leading Democrat candidate may have corralled about 40 of the 4051 delegates up for grabs, the runner-up will have about 35, and the third guy around 30. The Republicans won’t be much different. And pundits will be telling you who has dropped out, who should drop out, and who they predict will round up 2000 more delegates and win the nomination. It is mostly nonsense but it gives the TV folks something to fill air time with till the Writers return.

But in these early states, it is serious business. Politics is New Hampshire’s leading industry, just ahead of real estate sales, mostly to former residents of Massachusetts. In Iowa it’s number 2, but only because this year corn is bringing $4.00 a bushel.

Suppose we ran a football game the same way we run Presidential politics. This Monday night in New Orleans, college football will declare a winner, either OSU or LSU.

Now if the TV boys were in charge of the game, here’s what to expect: Ohio State returns the opening kickoff to the 25. On the first play the running back (we’ll call him Joe) gains nothing. Next the quarterback passes for a first down at the 40.

Now it gets interesting: the referee calls a TV timeout so the half-dozen pundits at each network can speculate and predict who will win.

During the timeout, Joe (one run, zero yards) tells the coach, “I quit,” and walks out of the stadium. A bench warmer (Chris) quits with him. Can you imagine that? Years of playing football, weeks of intense practice, and less than a minute into the championship, they give up.

Meanwhile on the sideline, Dennis the water boy, sees the two players leave and corners the coach, “Let me play. I know I can do it. Pretty please.”

The TV folks take a poll of the viewers. Fans at the game can participate by texting. Poll results are posted on the scoreboard.

The game starts again. A long pass is intercepted, giving Louisiana State the ball on their 15. On the first play the star quarterback throws for 20 yards. Next play is a run for 12. Timeout!

More punditry, more polling, more intense speculating. Now the network folks are 75 percent sure they know the eventual winner.

The game finally continues, 13 minutes left in the first quarter. Next play, the quarterback is sacked. He’s hurt. Timeout!

TV folks say they are 90 percent positive that whoever is ahead at the end of the quarter will win.

Back on the field, the second-string quarterback enters the huddle. No, wait. It’s not the usual substitute. The crowd roars approval. The pundits recognize the change. Now they know, 100 percent positive, THIS is the winning team. Why? Because the new QB is the star quarterback’s wife.

Now, dear readers, this is what could happen if you played a championship football game like an election campaign.

Next week I’ll report results from the third primary. No, not South Carolina. This one will be January 11, the National No-till Farmers Presidential Primary, held in Cincinnati. No predictions on a winner, but I bet a couple of candidates will get more votes than they did in Iowa.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“The locusts that I saw swarming the Argentine are houseflies compared to the destruction by a presidential election… It takes a great country to stand a thing like that hitting it every four years.” WA #516, Nov. 3, 1932

“I was born on November 4, that was Election Day. Women couldn’t vote in those days, so my mother thought she would do something, so she stayed home and gave birth to me.” Notes, undated.

Senator provides the comedy

#483, December 24, 2007

COLUMBUS: Not much going on in either Washington or Hollywood. Congress left town, and the Writers are still on strike. If you want comedy, you have to write it yourself.

Senator Harry Reid played a joke on the President. He let all the Senators leave town except one who stayed behind to kinda man the boat. See, sometimes when Congress goes on vacation, the President fills vacancies in various federal agencies, and they can’t stop him. But if a Senator goes in there to bang the gavel each morning, even if no one is there to hear it, and then after spouting a few official sounding words he bangs it again, why that constitutes a full day’s work for a Senator. Not only for that Senator, but for all of them.

So in this way the Senate can keep the president from making recess appointments. They asked Mr. Reid, aren’t these important jobs that need to be filled? He said, “I’d rather have a vacancy than a Republican.”

You know, by the time the other 99 Senators return later in January, that one lonely Democrat banging the gavel will have passed almost as many useful bills in one month as all of ’em did in the previous eleven.

They did pass an Energy Bill. It adds a little more energy, but mainly they want to spread out what we’ve got a lot thinner. They want us to increase gas milage by 40 percent to 35 miles per gallon in 12 years.

These folks clamoring for a 35 mpg automobile will be surprised to learn they’re here today if you want one. But if you ask them, they don’t want it for themselves. They want ’em for everybody else to drive.

And by 2020 they want Ford and General Motors to figure out how to build the same size cars and trucks as they’re driving today, same power, same accessories, but run on 40% less fuel. Detroit may need a hand from Santa Claus to pull that off.

With the North Pole melting maybe Santa can relocate to Detroit. They got empty factories where he can set up shop, vacant houses for all the elves, and plenty of snow.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.” DT #1038, Nov. 22, 1929

“A President just can’t make much showing against (Congress). They just lay awake nights thinking up things to be against the President on.” WA #430, March 22, 1931

“I am too busy replacing presents to write today. I bought some mechanical and electric things for the kids and wore ’em out playing with ’em myself.” DT #120, Dec. 23, 1926

“Well, the neckties were all red and the sox were all too small. So there is practically nothing I can do but just sit and wait for another holiday. If Santa has failed us this time we will see what he brings us on Nov. 4.” DT 441, Dec. 25, 1927 (Yes, Nov. 4 is election day in 2008, and also Will’s birthday.)