Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: Did you read in the paper about the man who had a knife on an airplane? This Ohio fellow named Hedrick, he called a radio station to report a security breach, that he had a knife hidden in a belt buckle… he had forgotten it was there… and he got past security at the Greensboro airport.

The FBI got wind of it, and boy they jumped right in. What do you suppose they did? Did they arrest the person that allowed the man to go through security without inspecting his buckle? Did they interrogate the security manager at the airport to see why he hired such a careless person? Did they thank Mr. Hedrick for exposing this dangerous hole in our homeland security?

No, they arrested him. He was held on bail of $500,000, and charged with a crime that could land him in jail for 10 years.

Well, what about the security staff at Greensboro? I think they were transferred temporarily to New Orleans…. to keep terrorists out of the Super Bowl.

The moral to the story is, if you discover some incompetent working at an airport, don’t report ’em to the FBI unless you’re wearing suspenders.

Europe is complaining about how we are treating the Taliban prisoners. But those cells must not be as bad as Europe makes them out to be. Pictures of the prisoners got back to Afghanistan, and Taliban fighters are surrendering by the hundreds in hopes they will get taken there.

Those fellows get a free trip to the Caribbean, and John Walker Lindh, a bonafide American citizen until proven otherwise, he gets sent to Washington, confined at an undisclosed secret location. Probably across the hall from Dick Cheney. He says, ‘If you won’t send me to Guantanamo, can I perhaps serve my time in Puerto Rico?’

Congress is investigating Enron. I think I have figured out a solution. If the Congressmen who got contributions from Enron would give it all back, and if all politicians in every state and country would do the same, and if the company officials and stockholders who sold early at a good profit donated theirs, and Wall Streeters who hawked the stock, and Enron’s lawyers, and Arthur Anderson accountants… if all these scoundrels and their accomplices would come clean, there would be enough dough to at least have some semblance of a company. Not number 7 in size, but maybe 1007. Maybe even enough to give the employees a small settlement for their years of labor.

I have intentionally limited the amount of humor in this message. On Tuesday the President will deliver the State of the Union address, and I don’t want you to risk exceeding your weekly quota of laughs, chuckles and guffaws. Mr. Bush, and the Democratic response, could put you over the top.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Frank Phillips, of oil fame was out the other day, said he was going to Washington. The oil men were going to draw up a code of ethics. Everybody present had to laugh. If he had said the gangsters of America were drawing up a code of ethics, it wouldn’t have sounded near as impossible.” DT #2164, July 11, 1933

“The California Bar Association is to rid its ranks of any attorney found to have connection with the underworld. The first thing they do now if they are taking up crime as a profession (even before they buy the gun) is to engage their lawyer. He works on a percentage. Bar associations invented the word ‘ethics’, then forgot about it.” DT #2621, Dec. 30, 1934

EATON, Ohio: India and Pakistan are arguing over a piece of land they call Kashmir. Colin Powell is over there to referee. Now I have never been there, but folks who have tell me it’s a high desert that even goats abandoned centuries ago.

Instead of dividing it, just give the whole thing to China. That’ll take their mind off any bugged airplanes. (See Historic Quotes)

Farmers in western Ohio have lost hope of any immediate relief from a new Farm Bill. They are working on another idea that’s been around awhile, producing ethanol from corn. The technical expertise is available close by, across the river in Kentucky.

An official told a crowd here today that ethanol won’t be economical till a couple of things change. Well, there’s only two things that could change to make it worthwhile, and neither one is in high favor with farmers: paying a higher price for oil, and taking a lower price for corn. So don’t look for our grain farmers to put the Saudi Arabia sheiks out of business any time soon.

My earlier suggestion that you folks eat beef for Christmas was a dismal failure. I know you ate all you could, but cattlemen still have a bountiful supply of steak on the hoof. Fill your refrigerator while it’s cheap.

Speaking of beef, Ohio lost a fine man last week, and orphaned children around the world lost a close friend. Dave Thomas opened a restaurant in Columbus more than thirty years ago, named it Wendy’s after one of his daughters. He promised he wouldn’t use frozen beef, only fresh. By golly, he sold so many hot and juicy hamburgers every day there was no need to freeze any.

I read where a woman was awarded over $300,000 a month for child support. The paper didn’t say how many she is supporting, but if it’s fewer than Sally Struthers, they should be eating mighty good. With that kind of dough, they could probably afford to buy a farm… not only buy it, but run it. They’ve got a pretty good chance of breaking even, if they can avoid growing corn or raising cattle.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“(Peru and Chili) are arguing over a boundary line (the provinces of Tacna and Arica). (Former General) Pershing went down and saw the piece of land that is in dispute, and he has suggested that if Peru can’t get Chili to take it, and if Chili can’t get Peru to take it, that they both try and get Argentine to take it, as Argentine has never seen it.” WA #140, August 16, 1925

“Did you read in the papers a few days ago what we did down in Tacna Arica? You know we went down there to settle a dispute between Chili and Peru over a piece of land that is between them and they have been arguing over it for 40 years…. Do you think (Secretary of State Kellogg) divided it up equally? Or do you think he let one keep it one year and one the next, or one on sunshiny days, and one on cloudy days? No sir, he issued none of those common ways of settling disputed Territory. If you haven’t read it I will give you 12 guesses to guess who’s favor he decided in. Why, Bolivia’s. I knew you would be surprised. You will ask, “Why, what did Bolivia have to do with it?” Nothing. He said in his own statement that they hadent been consulted in his decision at all, so they are going to be surprised to death when they hear that the United States has decided to deed them a big piece of Territory. They will say, “Where did the United States get a piece of Territory down here to give to us?” Why we got it from Peru and Chili as our consulting fees for settling the dispute about it. Now Bolivia will say, “How does Kellogg know we will take it? It might be like a cotton farm down south. There is no law says you can give a man one of them and make him take it. That’s one thing our laws are just about. You can’t force a farm or an old car on any man, woman or child without their consent.”” WA#209, December 12, 1926

“Peru and Colombia are going to war over a boundary, the usual reason down here, but get this: The land in dispute is so isolated that neither nation can get to it, so they are arranging to have the armies meet at some convenient place and fight over a piece of ground that the winner can’t get to after they have won.” DT #1934, Oct. 16, 1932

ST. LOUIS: The big news here, besides the football team, is that Ford is shutting down a plant. Henry started building Model T’s here in 1914 (see, they weren’t all bolted together in Detroit), and his grandson Will (or is it Bill?) says they gotta halt production here in a couple of years. That’ll free up 2500 to go to work for Mr. Busch and his Clydesdales.

The Afghan prisoners are starting to check into the Guantanamo Hilton. Mr. Rumsfeld wants to keep bin Ladin’s Taliban down there at the Naval base in Cuba, even if it costs us $60 million to build a jail.

Amnesty International complained that it’s inhumane to keep them in a cramped space only 6 ft by 8 ft. Let me see if I understand this… it’s January, and they’re in the Caribbean. Sounds like a luxury cruise ship to me, except they have bigger rooms.

When Ohio’s Governor heard about the $60 million, he offered to sell ’em one of his empty prisons.

In case you are wondering, I’m here in the shadow of the Gateway Arch for a meeting of farmers learning more about how to grow crops without plowing. They have been holding this convention every year for ten years, in January, and it’s always in the Midwest. They draw about 750, but nobody knows what the turnout would be if they met in, say, West Palm Beach.

These no-till farmers have a secret way of getting all their tillage done, but news of it is starting to leak out. They leave all the old corn stalks or straw on the surface, or plant a cover crop each fall, so the neighbors can’t see what is going on underneath. But they got these millions of earthworms out there digging their way down through the soil, and they’re happy to do it as long as they get their fill of those stalks and leaves. The farmers still have to do the planting and harvesting, and spraying for weeds, but the worms do most of the work. Don’t call the Humane Society, because the worms love it. Those nightcrawlers would rather work than go fishin’.

Last night these farmers invited Ron Dentinger of Dodgeville, Wisconsin, to entertain. He kept ’em laughing so much they forgot that corn is still under $2.

Have you read about that new statue in New York, of the three firefighters raising the flag? Aren’t you glad that sculptor didn’t carve Mt. Rushmore? He would have left George Washington with his white wig and wooden teeth, but Tom Jefferson would have been pictured as a Negro, Honest Abe Lincoln would have traded his axe and log cabin for a tomahawk and a teepee, and Teddy Roosevelt, because he spent a year in Puerto Rico, would have taken on Hispanic features.

One New York official praised the new statue, “Symbolism is more important than history.” The paper didn’t say what office he was running for… hope it’s not the Board of Education.

This Monday and Tuesday night you can see a television show about Mark Twain. I hear that it’s got some symbolism slipped in among the history also. Hal Holbrook will make it worth watching.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“I doubt if there is a thing in the world as wrong and unreliable as History. History ain’t what it is; it’s what some writer wanted it to be.” Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

“There has been a good deal of trouble out in the Dakotas about the history that Mr. Coolidge was supposed to write on a rock. It was to run 500 words and give the history of America…. Course we never had much history, but like all Nations we think we have.

Well the Sculptor dident like the history that our Ex-President had cooked up so he made, as we say in the Movies, some re-takes on the manuscript. It seems that Mr. Coolidge had given our History from a Republican standpoint. There had been Democrats engaged in our history but only in the capacity of Villains. Well this Gutsom Borglum, who is a foreigner by birth, but an Atlanta Georgian by argument, he had studied his history of our land from the standpoint of Stone Mountain… (Coolidge) had taken his history of America from the Congressional Record, while Gutsom wanted his from the Atlanta Constitution. Coolidge believed that Jefferson was a fictitious Character, and that the income tax was entirely due to Alexander Hamilton, the inventor of a time lock safe.

Well, poor Dakota dident know what it was all about, all the interest they had in the matter was to furnish the Mountain. They just wanted something that a Tourist could read, or have read to him. In fact the more controversy the more would come to read.” WA #399, August 17, 1930

(Note: Mr. Coolidge’s 500-word history essay never got carved at Mt. Rushmore, or anywhere else.)

COLUMBUS: Midwesterners are kinda jealous of the South. Those folks from Louisiana to South Carolina have had more snow than Chicago and Columbus. Buffalo has offered to ship us some, but we have to furnish the trucks.

The Olympic flame passed through here this week. It was in Buffalo January 1, and was delayed getting out of town – the mayor was using it to melt snow.

Years ago the Olympic planners used fast runners, and picked out a direct route to get the flame to the Games. But now, they start early and zigzag around the country like a gerrymandered congressional district. For the torch bearers today, speed don’t matter as much as how they have lived their life. I hope you get to see the Olympic flame on its way to Utah. You’ll be inspired by the flame, and by the ones carrying it.

Speaking of flames, Sydney is kinda hemmed in by fires in the Blue Mountains west of town. Some of our television reporters have gone a bit overboard, saying Australia is on fire, and the koalas and all their other wildlife will become extinct. Well, of course it’s bad for those involved, but remind your kids that Australia is as big as America, and there’s parts of it with more koalas than they know what to do with. Sydney survived a hail storm in 1999, the Olympics in 2000, and boatloads of illegal aliens in 2001, so these fires are just a temporary inconvenience for John Howard and the Aussies.

The Rose Bowl was played Thursday night. It was kinda like old times when they always brought the two best football teams in the country to Pasadena. Miami ran all over the Nebraska Huskers and led 34 to nothing at halftime.

Next year I think the BCS should pick the top two differently. Lately, those teams from the state of Florida have been so tough to beat, just let those Florida schools decide among themselves on one of the teams, then the rest of the country fight it out for the other.

Did you notice that the Miami coach Larry Coker is from Oklahoma? Yes sir, and don’t be surprised if the U. of Florida hires an Okie to replace Spurrier. Those football players in Florida are bred to run, but it takes a good coach to tell ’em which direction to run in.

Notre Dame found one, Ty Willingham from out at Stanford. He will get the Irish back to where they was under Rockne and Holtz.

Rudy Giuliani turned New York over to the new mayor, Mr. Bloomberg. He is so rich I ain’t sure if he’ll be content with just one city to run. He may want to become President of Argentina. They have had 5 or 6 in the last few days, and none of them could afford to keep the job. Argentina is broke, so anyone with enough dough to pay off the debts can have the whole country. Bill Gates says he is not interested.

All these senators wanting to run for President in 2004, maybe they could try out their campaign plan on Argentina. Kinda like spring training, and it’s sure warmer than New Hampshire or Iowa. If their economic plan works down there, they can give George W a real race in two years.

But don’t you worry about Argentina. All the news has been from the capital city, but if you get out in the countryside, politics don’t matter so much. All they need is good rains to grow grass for their cattle and soybeans for Japan.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“…our New Year’s football game at the Rose Bowl. Andy Mellon’s boys from Pittsburgh played U. S. C. The score was 35 to nothing (in favor of USC). We got a man out here coaching, named Howard Harding Jones, that could take the Senate page boys and beat Harvard, Princeton and Yale with ’em.” DT #2003, Jan. 4, 1933

Will was in “Argentine” in 1902, at age 22. The following quotes are from letters to his dad and sisters.

“I went up into the interior about 800 miles and looked around for a few days but was not able to strike anything. But I am not in the least discouraged….
This is a beautiful place and has a lovely level country all around it….
This is no place to make money unless you have at least $10,000…
I am trying to learn Spanish. I can say 6 words; I did know 7 and forgot one.” May 23, 1902

“I have been well paid for my trip for I have learned lots on the trip. You don’t know how good your country is till you get away from it.” June 17

“I don’t think from what I have seen and heard that the unsatisfactory conditions of the country are in the land, climate or natural resources, but the fault is in the governing class… it is said to be the most corrupt and unstable of any government in the world…
The country is very deep in debt and a dollar is worth only forty-three cents.” July 7

COLUMBUS: Congress adjourned last week. They couldn’t agree on which way to steer the economy. Instead, they decided to let the shoppers do the driving. They drove it all right… right into a snow bank.

All the stores claim sales were down several dollars. See, that’s the problem, measuring sales in dollars. There was just as many goods sold as ever, but people didn’t pay as much. This was a K-Mart Christmas, not Bloomingdales.

Wait till spring. That old snow bank will melt and the economy will get back in high gear again, that is if we can keep Congress from interfering.

Mayor Rudy Giuliani was selected as Person of the Year by Time magazine. Nobody could disagree with the choice, except for a few newsmen who thought it was bin Laden.

Time started this tradition in 1927 with Charles Lindbergh. They picked Owen D. Young in ’29, Gandhi of India in ’30, Franklin Roosevelt in ’32 and again in ’34, and in between the honor in ’33 went to Hugh Johnson of the NRA (that’s National Recovery Administration).

Who do you suppose they’ll pick in 2002? Could be Rumsfeld. Maybe even Daschle.

The weather finally turned cold here. Snow arrived, but a day late for Christmas. Only complaint folks had is they wanted the snow on the fields and hills, but not on the roads. Buffalo can handle two feet with minor difficulty; but in Columbus its chaos with a half inch. Florida can start looking for a tourist invasion any day now.

It was a lovely Christmas, even without snow. The family was mighty generous with the presents. I got only one tie, and it fit.

Notre Dame is still without a football coach. They are praying for the resurrection of Rockne. None of the big coaches wants to move to South Bend, so they are running out of options. Maybe Rudy would take it. He brought New York back from disaster, he could do the same for the Irish.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.” DT #1038, Nov. 22, 1929

“I have read New Year predictions till I am blue in the face about the great future…, but I have yet to see one word on what 1930 holds in store for the Democrats. And that’s the very thing that makes me believe us Democrats may get a break in the coming year. I base my faith on the fact that 98 per cent of all predictions are wrong, and on the fact that it’s an off year in politics and all off years are Democratic years.” DT #1071, Dec. 31, 1929

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: All I know is what I read in the paper. A professor in chemical engineering at West Virginia University has found a way to run a diesel engine on chicken manure.

Now you don’t just shovel it into the tank, you have to turn it into a liquid first, then mix it with about two-thirds diesel fuel. Even the professor ain’t quite sure why it works, but it does.

These chicken experts are amazing. First they found a market for chicken feet, gizzards and wings… and now, manure. Corn farmers have spent millions of dollars and many years building a market for ethanol fuel, devoting their best corn to the cause, and now along comes these chicken folks who make theirs from something they otherwise can’t give away for free.

This new “chicken diesel” is going to solve a problem for truckers who park their rigs in front of the house overnight. Those ornery neighbor boys that you have been suspicious of… well, they won’t siphon your tank again but once. That’ll cure ’em.

Senator Jay Rockefeller announced that he is donating $15 million to build an Alzheimer’s Center in memory of his mother. That’s his money he’s giving, not yours… a rare occurrence for a politician, and almost unheard of for a Senator. This is a fine example of what Kip Kiplinger wrote about last week in Washington. While bin Ladin uses his personal wealth to do evil, in this country we’ve got fine folks like Henry Ford, Andrew Carnegie, and the Senator’s great-grandfather who contributed vast fortunes to great and wonderful causes, to build lives, not destroy them. And as Kip says, Americans of all economic persuasion, rich and poor, still share this spirit of generosity.

Well, bin Ladin is still hiding from us. If he’s in one of those caves maybe Mr. Rumsfield will send in some spelunkers and coal miners to find him and dig him out. You know, if he is human… and there hasn’t been any evidence of that lately…, instead of the caves of Tora Bora, I bet there are times when he wishes he had gone to the beaches of Bora Bora. Even if he never looked at the pretty girls stretched out on the sand, the scenery would beat whatever he’s surrounded by tonight.

You probably heard about the football game in Cleveland this afternoon. It was kind of a dull game for the home crowd till less than a minute to go. But it ended like some of those soccer games we hear about in Europe. It’s no surprise that some of those football fans got mad enough to throw hundreds of beer bottles on the field near the end of the game. The surprise was that not all of ’em were empty.

I’m going to ask you to do a favor for all my friends in the cattle business, eat a steak for Christmas. You can still have a turkey or ham on Christmas Day if tradition demands it, but sometime during the holidays, buy a few pounds of T-bones and sirloins and give the family a real treat. With gas below a dollar, you’re saving so much on the automobile these days you’ve got plenty of dough for a special meal or two.

Historic Quote from Will Rogers:

“Europe don’t like us and they think we’re arrogant, and bad manners, and have a million faults, but every one of them, well, they give us credit for being liberal (meaning “generous”). Doggone it, people are liberal. Americans… I do know that America is fundamentally liberal.” Radio broadcast, October 18, 1931

Note:  Be sure to read the Historic Quote at the end… although Will wrote this in 1925, it will remind all Americans of September 11, 2001, and December 7, 1941.

PLAIN CITY, Ohio: As I was driving here for a meeting this morning, at ten minutes till nine, on the radio they played “The Star Spangled Banner”. That was a fitting tribute in remembrance of the attack on Sept. 11. They played it everywhere across the country at the same time… in California it was ten till six… and around the world, every country played their own national anthem. The way they pulled that off, imagine what other important things we could perhaps accomplish in harmony around the globe.

I’m out here in Amish country for a farm meeting. Actually there was two of ’em at the same restaurant, and the audience for both were pleased to hear I was there to listen, and not to annoy. It was a refreshing change of pace for me, too, because you learn more when you’re listening.

In one room they had 200 conservation farmers learning how to grow crops more efficiently, with less cost and less erosion. Next door, about 50 members of the Farmers Union organization were discussing how best to protect and reward the family farmer and their local communities.

In both groups, (as with farm meetings all across the country this winter) they were working on providing a bountiful supply of food for the rest of us.

Of course they are all concerned about the Farm Bill debate in Congress, especially if they’re from a state without a Senator on the Ag Committee. Even that is no guarantee of prosperity.

You may have read in the paper where you can get on the internet and find out which farmers got farm payments from the government, and how much they have received. Well, it’s true, and a lot of farmers don’t like it. Now you can argue over whether it’s right or wrong, but the fact is we spend more for dog food in this country than we spend on this supplemental income to help our farmers stay in business.

I propose that if you show how much he got from Washington, they should also tell how much the farm produces. You know, list the pounds of grain, meat, milk, cotton, wool, potatoes, peanuts, fruit, and whatever… that way you can get a better idea if he deserves it, and you would know who to thank for the food in grocery stores and restaurants.

If you’re still disturbed about these payments, you could suggest those folks getting the big checks from the govt stop producing food for a year.

Walt Disney was born 100 years ago, December 5 (just one year before Strom Thurmond). You can bet the people at Disney World will be celebrating it all year. If this warm weather ever cools off here, a number of folks from the Midwest may go down to Florida to join in the fun.

And December 7 was an anniversary for the attack on Pearl Harbor. We’re hearing a lot about heros, and that day, and every day for four years after, spawned a whole generation of ’em. We’ve got to remember the fellows that fought in World War I. They were as heroic as the ones in WWII, it just didn’t take ’em near as long to win.

In Afghanistan Osama bin Ladin has been spotted riding a horse between caves. You may wonder with all those men wearing robes, how do they know it was him. When you’re 6′ 4″ and sit in the saddle as tall as John Wayne, it’s hard to hide. I just hope one of our sharpshooters can get close enough to pick him off without harming the horse.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Heroing is one of the shortest lifed profession there is.

…And Policemen here in New York, where the impression of some out-of-town people seems to be that nobody in New York cares for anybody else! There is not a day that you don’t read of the wonderful things performed by them and the firemen to save human life. I tell you it does your heart good to read these things, even if we haven’t got the nerve to be in on it ourselves. We can at least admire it, and be proud that we have men like these, and thousands of women, if the opportunity presents itself.”

… the tough part about a hero. He has to eat. We take care of them with too much newspaper space and not enough permanent endowment. We have great fellows back from the war that can show you two medals for every sack of flour they have in the house. They got a foreign decoration for every American dollar they have.” WA #114, February 22,1925

LOUISVILLE: If you thought the Kentucky Derby was the only big shindig held in this river town, followed by 51 weeks of solitude and quiet reflection over a mint julep, you’re in for a surprise. Why, just in the last month the FFA held a convention here of 45,000 of America’s brightest, down-to-earth high school youngsters, Colin Powell stopped by for a speech, and this week the Kentucky Farm Bureau and Automobile Dealers are convening.

Mark Victor Hanson is here speaking to the Dealers and I’m speaking to the Farmers. They’re meeting in the same hotel, and we’re trying to keep ’em separated. The farmer can’t even afford a bicycle, so he don’t need the temptation of zero interest on a new pickup.

This morning at breakfast I had a unique honor… I filled in for a Senator. Yes, Mitch McConnell was planning to be here, but Congress is still in session so he stayed in Washington. (This morning they were debating Election Reform. That’ll take a while to resolve, at least twenty years.)

I may be able to match him on the humor, but compared to a Senator, I’m sorely handicapped in my ability to inspire and motivate. I don’t have the same access to the US Treasury that he does.

Since he couldn’t be here in person, he announced earlier that he got $5 million for the College of Agriculture, for ’em to do more grand and glorious things to help the farmer. The University will use some of that money to find a crop the farmers can grow instead of burley tobacco. It ain’t easy locating one with the same income, and is legal.

Five million is a lot of money. But, you know something… if that Senator Jeffords up in Vermont hadn’t switched sides last May, he could have got ’em ten.

In Afghanistan they switch sides in the middle of the battle, here they do it in the middle of the Senate chambers

Tomorrow is a big day in the Senate. Strom Thurmond turns 99. It’s probably a state holiday in South Carolina. The Senate will bake a cake for him. With 99 candles, each of the other Senators can keep one as a souvenir. They won’t ask him to blow ’em all out, the risk would be too great. Not of a heart attack, but rather of triggering the smoke alarm. Congress don’t need another excuse to vacate the Capitol.

You know, Mark Victor Hanson and his partner Jack Canfield are responsible for more books than anyone, except for that woman over in England. They’ve written a Chicken Soup book for almost every conceivable audience, from English-speaking taxicab drivers to substitute school teachers. But there’s one I haven’t seen yet…Chicken Soup for the Poor Farmer’s Soul. The poor farmer don’t have a soul… well, he’s got one, but it’s mortgaged.

I forgot to ask Mark what he was planning to talk on today. He’ll probably try to persuade ’em to include a Chicken Soup book in every glove compartment.

No, there’ll be no cracks from me about Used Car Salesmen’s souls.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I have seen today some of the most beautiful stock farms in America. I don’t think there is another place in this country quite like the blue grass region around Lexington. These old guys here, with their fine horses that we read about every Summer in all the big races, they got some great horses here. And they know how to scramble a bran mash for a horse, and a corn mash for a human that just about excels any hospitality in America.” DT #140, Jan. 15, 1927

COLUMBUS: This war is getting more peculiar by the day. These Afghanis are unusual soldiers. We can’t understand ’em. They fight hard for their side, sometimes for years, but if they see they are losing, they switch.

They say, “Yes, I know I was shooting at you five minutes ago, but you fellows ain’t so bad. If it’s alright, I’ll join up with you boys and help you wipe out those no-good scoundrels.”

We ain’t seen nothing like it, except maybe among football fans. You’ve seen ’em. They like their team while they’re winning, but let ’em lose a few games, and by golly they start cheering for another team. Except in Oklahoma. The Cowboys from Stillwater knocked the Sooners out of the race last weekend, but don’t look for any Oklahoma fans to trade a schooner for a saddle.

The Marines are now in Afghanistan and the diplomats are meeting in Germany. That’s a sure sign of war. If you didn’t have a war before, either the Marines or the diplomats will dig one up for you.

The United Nations brought together a man from each of the various warring tribes to sit around a big table. All except the Taliban, which didn’t have a man to spare.

They were looking for a quiet, peaceful site for the meeting and, of course, picked Germany which is known for its long history of peace… ranking right up there with Afghanistan.

America’s role at the meeting is to teach them about politics, and serve as Treasurer. The first official vote will be on the motion, “There shall be everlasting peace in Afghanistan”. We will find out how quickly they learn politics, because each Yes vote will cost about a Billion dollars. To be paid, naturally, by the treasurer. The everlasting peace will last as long as the money lasts.

Other than football, the big news in Oklahoma has been Phillips Petroleum, located in the metropolis of Bartlesville, buying Conoco, with its big refinery a few miles away at Ponca city, the cultural capital of the middle west. The shock came when they announced the headquarters would be moved lock, stock and barrel to Houston. Naturally folks figured they would expand right there at home, right where Waite Phillips got his start. And near where Lew Wentz and Mr. Marland made their millions with Conoco.

Now, there’s nothing particularly wrong with Houston. All the other big oil companies are there. George and Barbara Bush live there. Except in summer when they move to Maine. Summers in Houston last about six months, and in Maine about six weeks, so each spring and fall they make a long, slow drive between ’em.

These Phillips folks won’t get to leave Houston. They’ll have to sweat it out. But as long as they sell us gas at a dollar a gallon, we won’t care where they move, even to Norway.

This past holiday weekend the government was disappointed in us. They claim our shoppers did not spend enough at the malls. Lord knows they tried. They bought just as much as last year, but didn’t spend as much.

See, for example, instead of paying $300 for a winter coat at Macy’s or Marshall Field’s they bought a coat just as warm at Wal-mart for a hundred fifty. These 100 million women swore an oath to support the economy, but they can’t pass up a half-off sale.

Did you read in the papers about Utah’s Governor? He wanted the Census to count all their Mormon missionaries around the world and add a Congressman. There’s thousands of them and they do a wonderful service for the Lord wherever they are (that’s missionaries, not Congressmen), and just think of the service they are providing Utah. By staying away from home it saves them the expense of supporting an extra Congressman.

According to the Census Bureau, North Carolina gets the extra Representative because they have 856 more people per Congressman than Utah. Now that’s what really upset the governor. If the Census had given him a few months warning, why Brigham Young and his seventeen wives and all their descendants could have made up the shortfall.

At least Utah finally got snow. In the Winter Olympics they won’t have to roller blade down those mountains after all.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“…Oklahoma, the Eden on this earth till something better turns up. I was privileged to prowl its vast domains, view its miraculous achievements, wonder at its unprecedented growth, mingle with its unmatched intellects. In other words it was just one round of a never to be forgotten experience. You just know when you cross the line into it there is something that tells you you are in another world.” WA #204, November 7, 1926

“It’s great to be friendly with a Foreign Nation, but it’s terribly expensive. If the worst comes to the worst and we do have to be friends with any of ’em, why, (let’s) pick out little ones that haven’t got the nerve to ask for much.” Saturday Evening Post, February 27, 1932

“Nobody knows anything about any Country, not even his own. The smartest Statesmen are the worst fooled when anything comes up right quick. I think a Country is harder to understand than a woman.” WA # 418, December 28, 1930

CLEVELAND: I’ve been out wandering around the countryside the last week or so, and today I ended up here on the shores of Lake Erie. The sun is shining and it’s mighty warm for November.

Everyone is smiling, not because of the sunshine, but because the Cleveland Browns beat the Ravens in Baltimore. It was their second win this season over Art Modell’s Super Bowl champs.

The entire month has been nothing but sunshine and warm weather in this part of the Midwest. Folks hardly know how to act without the usual clouds and cold rains. This November sunshine is quite a blow. Many football fans wore shorts to the college games yesterday and missed the opening kickoff applying sunscreen.

Farm meetings have kept me on the move recently. I’ve been hitting the small towns: Edon, Elliston and West Alexandria in Ohio, and Flatwoods in West Virginia. You know, farmers are never thrilled about getting dressed up to go to a meeting, especially if there’s still grain to be harvested. But if they’ve got to, they prefer going where they’ll get a good meal in a friendly setting, and where there’s no stop lights, one way streets, or parking meters. The local school gymnasium or church rec hall or country inn suits ’em fine… anywhere that’ll seat five or six hundred. When you add some patriotic songs by a school choir and door prizes from local businesses, the jokes by an out-of-town speaker are generally well received. It sure helps when the election is past, and the political speeches are limited to “Thanks for your support.”

In Afganistan, this war is moving so fast Secretary of State Colin Powell is getting concerned. After the Taliban is run off, he doesn’t want to trade one minority rule for a different minority rule. Well, I got a suggestion for him, turn the whole country over to the women. They make up at least half the population, maybe more since the men been killing each other off for hundreds of years.

Now I would never make a such a serious suggestion to our diplomats without running it by a few people first. So I mentioned it in my talk to the men and women at Elliston, and I can assure Gen. Powell that it received wholehearted and rousing support, from half of them.

P.S. In case some of you football fans were wondering… it is true, I never met Art Modell. I never met Steve Spurrier either. Both of these men have been successful in football, so I doubt I would have much to lose by accepting an invitation from either of them.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Farmers spend more time at Conventions than they do plowing.”
“(President Coolidge) says, “There is lots of people worse off than the Farmers.” I don’t know how anybody could be worse off than the farmer, unless it’s the fellow who holds the Mortgages on the Farms.” WA #158, Dec. 20, 1925