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ST. MARYS, Ohio: After pondering on it for a week, I uncovered an idea that Colin Powell may want to consider for settlin’ the Middle East argument. But first I’ve got to tell you where I am.

This is Auglaize County, in the western part of Ohio, home of the astronaut, Neil Armstrong. He was one of those Rocket Boys, but he was born in farm country instead of a coal mine so nobody made a movie about him, at least not yet.

Here at St. Marys Memorial High School they have an FFA organization as modern as space ships, but with an ancient and successful history almost as old as the school building itself. At one time FFA stood for Future Farmers of America, but now they just use the initials, kinda like 3M and FMC. And rightly so because these students are prepared to go into about any line of work in their future, including farming. One told me he wants to be a Mechanical Engineer. Another one, the boy who introduced me tonight at their banquet, says he don’t know what he’ll do, but I would say he is laying the groundwork for being a Comedian. He’s just ornery enough to make a go of it.

I promised you a plan for the Middle East, and here it is. Now, I told this to the FFA students tonight and their parents, and they figured it stood as good a chance as any other plan we might impose, at least one we can afford.

This plan ain’t mine, in fact it goes back to something the Indians learned and practiced for hundreds of years, way before the white man arrived on these shores and civilized ’em.

See, what you do is have Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon trade places for a week.

To explain this plan in a way those men will understand it, I suggest Secretary Powell invite an Indian to fly over there to join him pronto. I would recommend the Chief of the Cherokee Nation out in Oklahoma. If she is tied up and can’t go, I’ll round up someone else for him.

(Read the Historic Quotes below for explanation.)

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“(Indians say) you must never disagree with a man while you are facing him. Go around behind him and look the same way they do when you are facing him. Look over his shoulder and get his viewpoint, then go back and face him and you will have a different idea.

“An Indian (said) the reason a white man always got lost, and an Indian dident, was because an Indian always looked back after he passed anything so he got a view of it from both sides. You see the white man just figures that all sides of a thing are the same. That’s like a dumb guy with an argument, he don’t think there can be any other side, only his. That’s what you call politicians.” WA #514, October 30, 1932

COLUMBUS: This past week we lost the Queen Mum and the King of Television. She was 101, and was the one in British royalty that glued everyone together. He was 93, and was the one in 1948 that glued everyone to the TV. They were both ambitious, took advantage of their opportunities, and they were both charming in a dress.

Milton Berle got his start in Vaudeville.

Elizabeth got her start by marrying the second son of King George V. Normally that carries even lower expectations than marrying a Vice-President, but it paid dividends for her. The first son (Edward, the Prince of Wales), was supposed to move on up to King, but his heart was just not in it.

Now, everybody over here knew years earlier that he wasn’t interested in being promoted to King. But the only way to convince the Brits was to marry a common American gal, and become ineligible for the title. That left the Crown to his little brother George. He wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect either till Elizabeth stepped up, and like most strong wives she said, “George, you can do it. You wear the crown and I’ll be right beside you. No one expects you to make flowery speeches, and you don’t have to cut down a cherry tree.” So George VI took over in 1936, and when he died in 1952 their young daughter, also named Elizabeth, became Queen.

Looking back on it, England knows they would have been just as well off if, when George passed on, they would have said, “Elizabeth, why don’t you take over as Queen. We know it is unusual here, but in the Colonies they do the same thing whenever a Senator dies.” She would have made a great one.

Maryland won the college basketball championship. Connecticut won it on the women’s side, and they are both deserving. Oklahoma had their chances on both sides, but will have to wait another year.

About all you hear on the news today is Israel and Arafat. They’re both fighting with whatever weapons they can get their hands on: Israel uses tanks, and Arafat uses kids.

Brother, I sure don’t have any solution to offer. Any plan I have put forth previously has not won approval at any level. When Koffi Annan of the United Nations is pessimistic for peace, and Dan Rather is pessimistic for peace, you know you’ve got an impossible situation.

Both sides, and almost the whole world, are saying the United States should get tangled up in this mess. Folks in the past have said our President is not very smart, but you just watch. George W (no relation to George V) knows a trap when he sees one. He ain’t going near that rat hole. The Pope condemned the killing, but he did it from a suburb of Rome. George W has strong words for both sides but he said it from Texas, which is even farther away than the Pope.

This argument has been going on for a thousand years, so a few more months, or even years, won’t matter much. Too many folks over there that don’t want peace. Ken McFarland used to say, “Rehabilitation don’t always work. You can’t Rehabilitate someone who was never Habilitated in the first place.”

Here at home, the battle over Evolution in Science class has abandoned Kansas and is looking for a home in Ohio. Instead of Creation, they call it Intelligent Design. This argument may last as long as the one in the Middle East.

This is April Fools Day. Too bad we can’t limit our Foolishness to one day a year.

Historic Quotes by Will Rogers: (on Edward, Prince of Wales)

“But just between you and I, Calvin, he don’t care any more about being King than you would about going back to Vice President again. But he would be a great old King.” Saturday Evening Post, May 20, 1926

“Even such a Dignitary as the Prince of Wales, after being refreshed from an Oklahoma recipe from the private still of Joshua Cosden, went back home and told George and Mary ‘to pick ’em out another boy, that the King business didn’t interest him in the least.’ “How to be Funny”, American Magazine, May 1930

COLUMBUS: The Academy Awards was last night. Well, they started last night, but nothing much happened till just before breakfast this morning. If Hollywood movies developed that slow, nobody would be there to watch ’em but the ushers.

Whoopi Goldberg was MC, but she didn’t just walk out on the stage like an MC usually does. No, she dropped out of the sky, over the audience, on kind of a swing. All the other ladies were wearing fancy gowns, trying to look their best. But she wore an outfit that made her look more like a plucked chicken. Except she still had her tail feathers. Can you imagine Bob Hope or Billy Crystal with tail feathers?

ABC broadcast the show. If it had been on NBC, they would have done it like the Olympics and shown it on tape delay. Giving us less suspense, but more sleep. And Whoopi would have swooped in as a peacock.

There was so much talk about the Oscars all over television, radio, and newspapers, most of us have spent more time hearing about the movies than we spent watching them.

The awards show is mainly for the women anyway. The men are all watching basketball. The NCAA narrowed the field down to four teams: Oklahoma, Maryland, Kansas and Indiana. So pick your favorite state. I’ve got Oklahoma.

We’ll find out next Monday night who wins. CBS says it’ll be over by midnight because they don’t stop a game for acceptance speeches. They only stop for commercials.

These past few weeks I’ve been ignoring Washington, and look what happened. They put high tariffs on everything, from steel to wood to sugar. I had read where steel studs were ready to take on the old reliable pine 2×4. But tariffs have raised the price of both so high the old home builder can’t afford either one.

Candy manufacturers are closing down and moving to Mexico where sugar is half price. Sugar is so high here… can you believe it?… you can afford to make it out of corn. If Congress doubled the tariff again, you could probably make it out of sawdust.

So, timber cutters, write your Congressman, and stop worrying about Canadian studs. Bet on Oak Sweetener, that’s where your future lies.

Congress passed their Election Reform bill. My reform idea from last week didn’t get very far. I was too late. If I had been a week or two earlier, it could have picked up a few votes.

If you don’t understand where the benefits lie in this Reform package, just wait, the lawyers and accountants will figure it out and let you know where to send your campaign contributions.

You just watch, there’ll be more money spent in the next Presidential election than ever before. According to the bill, they can spend just as much, but they have to spend it sooner. And, as usual, the ones with the most dough will win 90% of the time.

I read today where the Indian tribes will be big contributors because the government can’t limit the amount they give. That news will thrill the poor old Indian, till he realizes he don’t have any money to give.

Speaking of Indians, West Virginia is going to stop teaching Indian history at 4-H camps the way they’ve been doing for 80 years. Think of the number of young people who learned about the heritage of the tribes that inhabited West Virginia years ago: the Senecas, Mingos, Delawares, and of course, Cherokees. I think West Virginia got it backwards. Instead of them stopping, the other 49 ought to start.

 

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on tariffs)

“(Congress is) still doing a little light work on the tariff, each member according to the needs of his own State. Being 48 States that makes 48 versions of the tariff. In fact, 49, as the North and South of California both raise different stuff. The tariff is an instrument invented for the benefit of those who make, to be used against those who buy. As there is more buys than there is makes, it is a document of the minority. But what a minority.” DT #912, June 28, 1929

 

“Mr. (Henry) Ford issued a statement last week that this new tariff bill if passed will be the worse thing in the world for all of us. You see a lot of manufacturing establishments try to cover up their own business ability by having the Government protect them against somebody that handles their business better than they do. They can always holler ‘Cheap labor!’ But the cost of transportation to this country more than makes up for that. So every little Industry that can’t make a big profit hollers for protection. We won’t see the real effects of this till we have all these other Countries passing restrictive tariffs against us. You can’t stop the other fellow from shipping his goods to us without him doing something to get even.
Some of the smartest and most conscientious men in our National life have been divided on the tariff question. It’s not all Politics, a lot of it is a matter of real opinion, based on a long study.
Arguing tariff is sorter like arguing religion. There just ain’t any answer. If a business thrives under a protective tariff, that don’t mean that it has been a good thing. It may have thrived because it made the people of America pay more for the object than they should have, so a few have got rich at the cost of the many. There is never any way of estimating the damage done by a tariff.” WA #388, June 1, 1930

“Senator Reed Smoot interrupted President Hoover’s vacation with a plea to please help the sugar industry. There is 120,000,000 of us eat it, and exactly 1,231 that raise it. But Reed has dedicated his entire political career to make sugar not only sweet but dear to the 120,000,000.” DT #943, Aug. 4, 1929

“My old friends (in Congress) Pat Harrison and Bob La Follette was investigating sugar. We have more arguments over sugar than we do over all the things combined that sugar goes on, or in. Pat was kinder protecting Mississippi. They got a kind of kaffir corn that renders out a thing they think is sorter sweet.” DT #2359, Feb. 23, 1934

 

IRELAND, WV: Can you imagine being in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day? Around here, one day ain’t enough, so these folks celebrate an Irish Spring Festival all week.

My turn on the agenda came three nights ago when I followed the candidates for King and Queen to the stage. They were asked to give a campaign speech, but because you had to be over 60 to get nominated, they didn’t say much. They all figured folks in these parts knew everything about ’em already. In fact two of the six said they were roped into running, and one didn’t show up at all. You could tell they were all deserving and had a long record of service to the community.

There is something about the way these folks get elected that is worth sharing with the world. See, they are elected by dollar contributions, a penny a vote.

There’s no novelty to the concept, in fact it’s kinda like we elect most folks in this country. Whoever collects the most, wins.

Here in Ireland all the proceeds, every penny collected, is put to good use: the upkeep of the old community building. (It used to be the grade school for this end of the county, but somebody figured the students would be smarter if they spent an extra hour a day on a bus.)

Now just suppose we did the same in all of our elections. Imagine the good it would do. Whatever a candidate for President or Congress collects… 50 million, or 100 million, or 200 million…. it would all go into the U.S. Treasury to pay off the National debt. For Governors and Legislators, all the money would go into their own state Treasuries. Same way for all the city and local elections. No more throwing away campaign money on television ads and political consultants.

This way, whoever collects the most is automatically elected, without going through the pretense and expense of an election.

Out of the money collected, the national candidates would get a small weekly allowance, just enough to hire a bus to take them around the country, like John Madden to football games. The in-state candidates would get a pickup truck, like Janet Reno.

What if there’s a tie, like Florida, and everyone collects the same amount?

Well, do what they do in a basketball game, go into overtime. Add another week to the campaign. That would raise even more money for a good cause. It’s not likely you would have another tie, but if you did, a second overtime week couldn’t hurt. This way you keep the Supreme Court out of it, and it’s all decided before deer season.

But, what about the poor person who can’t afford to contribute?

This is where Election Reform comes in. I would make one change, and I think I would have the unanimous support of John McCain and Ted Kennedy on this one. Let the poor, and the unemployed and anybody else, volunteer their time instead of dollars. But instead of working directly for the candidate, stuffing envelopes and making those annoying phone calls at supper time, they would work for a charity or other needy cause, including the government.

Every hour worked would count so many dollars for their candidate. That way, you make it a fair election. One candidate might collect a pile of dollars, but if the other guy can collect hundreds or thousands of hours of work, why you have yourself a real election campaign.

Now I don’t know if it’ll work nationally, but it sure went over here. If Congress adopts this Election Plan, there’s plenty of folks here in Ireland that can teach ’em how to run it. I hear that Sen. Daschle intends to adopt some kind of election reform plan this week, so why not pick one with a proven record.

Before I go on, I’ve got to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t want you to think I’m plum loco with what I’m about to admit to you. Yes, I was in Ireland Thursday, but I’m not in Ireland today. I’m in Berlin. It’s only twenty miles between Ireland and Berlin because this is West Virginia, not European geography.

Speaking of Europe, did you read about the study in England on gum chewing? It seems chewing gum improves your memory, makes you smarter. They say the key is the “repetitive chewing motion”, which may explain why the smartest animal in the barnyard is the cow. Since I’ve chewed gum all my life, and single-handed kept Mr. Wrigley in business, imagine how poor my grammar would be without it.

Riding a bus might be all right for these Ireland students after all, if they give ’em a stick of gum when they get on.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (plus an Irish fact…)

“Well, today is the seventeenth of Ireland. Of all the nationalities that have helped to root out the Indians over here, the Irish are the only ones that have made enough impression on everybody that we celebrate their birthday… When you are laying out your European trip this Spring, don’t overlook the old Emerald Isle. It’s got ’em all beat for beauty, romance, humor and hospitality.” DT #1450, March 17, 1931

“Ireland quieted down, just as I told you it would. You see, they found out in a war with each other that somebody got hurt, so why shoot each other for no good at all? So Ireland is going fine.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

Fact: Will Rogers’ great-grandfather, Robert Rogers, was an Irish-Scotchman. He came to what is now West Virginia around 1800 to trade with the Indians. He married Lucy Cordery who was half-blood Cherokee. They moved to Georgia, and had a son, Robert Rogers, Jr. in 1815. He grew up and married Sally Vann, a 3/8 Cherokee, in 1835, and Clem (Will’s father) was born in 1839. He married Mary America Schrimsher in 1859. They had 7 babies before Will came along in 1879. (Main source: Will Rogers: a Biography, by Ben Yogoda.)

BURLINGTON, Wisconsin: This is the home of the Burlington Liars Club, started in 1929 by a newspaper editor. Every year they pick a winner from all the lies folks mail to ’em from all over the world, and last year they got over two thousand letters. The winner was a lady who said her car was so old that when she registered it with the state, they gave her upper and lower plates.

They put the winning lies from each year on a brass plate, and they are bolted to the front of the various buildings downtown, along with the name of the person who submitted it. As I was walking around town reading all these award winning lies, I told the man who was showing me around, Dick Morris, “I don’t see any lies attributed to any governors or senators or mayors. Shouldn’t there be at least one winning entry from a LaFollette?” He said, “Oh no, we don’t allow politicians to submit lies for the contest. It’s open only to amateurs.”

I was speaking tonight at the Burlington Farm-City Night, a big affair of appreciation put on for 73 years by Kiwanis and all the local businesses. It was called “A Salute to the American Farmer”, and I told the farmers the way things are going in Congress on the Farm Bill, a Salute is maybe all they are going to get.

Well, these are fine folks, and we had a lot of fun this evening. The next time you sit down to a tasty meal, pause and thank a farmer, even if you don’t stop to salute him.

On my way here this morning I flew to Chicago on Southwest. Have you ever flew on that airline? If you haven’t you should, even if you have to go out of your way to do it.

I was sitting near the back of the plane reading the paper, and a flight attendant said to me, “Aren’t you Will Rogers?” He said, “We’d like for you to come up to the front and do some rope tricks for the passengers.”

Now, I had heard that Southwest is known for Positively Outrageous Service, and any ropin’ I might do for ’em would certainly fall in the category of Outrageous.

As I followed him up there, carrying my ropes, I got some concerned looks, so the first thing I did after he introduced me on the intercom was assure everybody I had no intention of lassoing the pilot. I told them I was headed to Burlington, Wisconsin, to speak at a banquet. But because of the town’s reputation, I wasn’t sure if the invitation was on the level.

Well, I spun a rope for the first class passengers for a minute or so… (by the way, do you know who sits in the first class section on Southwest? The ones who arrive three hours early) Before I went to the back to put on a second show, I apologized to ’em, because normally for a passenger to be annoyed with live entertainment you have to be booked on a cruise ship.

So when you fly Southwest, you’ve got to be prepared for almost anything, except for arriving late. (Since they are paying me the same for that little plug as they did for the rope spinnin’, it don’t even qualify as a commercial.)

Did you read about McDonald’s settling a lawsuit over French Fries? It seems the vegetarians found a tiny bit of beef fat in with their Fries, so they made McDonald’s give twelve million dollars to “vegetarian supported charities”. Now you may be wondering, exactly what kind of charity would a vegetarian support? Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rutabagas? Save our Daffodils? Potatoes for Ethical Treatment of Anchovies?

First, remember you’ve got a company here that can stretch a pound of meat into dozens of burgers. Can you imagine how many tons of fries it takes to soak up a pound of their beef tallow? For one serving of fries… well I bet you would get more animal by-products on you petting a dog.

Besides, if you’re a vegetarian for religious reasons, would you want to be seen eating at a hamburger joint?

If you’re a vegetarian for nutritional reasons, are you going to order bean sprouts, succotash, and a bottle of spring water, and then say “and give me some french fries… and super size it.”?

Vegetarians are wonderful folks, and I suggest they eat at Olive Garden so the rest of us can eat our French Fries the way we like ’em… beefy.

Did you see where, after Vice-President Cheney has spent the last six months holed up in an undisclosed location for national security reasons, the government announced he will be making a 12-nation tour of the Middle East. Including Israel.

If I were Dick Cheney, I think I would call up Mr. Rumsfeld, and say, “How about loaning me one of your Stealth planes. I’ll just fly over all 12 of ’em in one afternoon, and get back to my hideout.”

The college basketball pairings were announced Sunday. They got most of ’em right. Except for Gonzaga. Some of you might remember last year, after they kept winning so far through the tournament, I said the NCAA should go ahead and write ’em in as a #4 seed for this year, because they always win so many tournament games. But really, I was wrong… they deserved a #3, but got pushed down to 6. So all you teams in line to play ’em, watch out. Gonzaga is on a mission.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am here tonight as kind of a peace offering. I have told a lot of jokes about these eating outfits, service clubs, or whatever you want to call them because I could not see much sense in them… But they were beneficial to the hotels because they got rid of a lot of bad food…. But now you have reformed and you are going along all right. I know from personal experience that you are getting along fine and doing something worth while. That is about all I can think of to say that would be any good for you.” Speech to Kiwanis International Convention in Los Angeles, June, 1933.

“A child born in Wisconsin is taught two things. One is to love LaFollette, and the other is to hate Minnesota.” Life Magazine, December 7, 1922

“Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty_seven don’t.” DT #577, June 1,1928

ATLANTA: I’m down here in Bobby Jones country, spending the weekend with 500 professional speakers. There’s 10,000 high school principals from all over the country convening in the same place, so the speakers are here, mostly, to caddy for ’em. You can imagine all the demerits we accumulated, and are still working off, for talking out of turn in class.

We’ve heard some great oratory from the platform. Actually, with this bunch it’s more like casual conversation and clean entertainment, presented with a clear message of hope for a bright future. We heard Gus Gustafson, T. Scott Gross, a former Miss South Carolina Jane Jenkins Herlong, and Bob Danzig, the former CEO for the publishing company founded by William Randolph Hearst. And a man you all remember from the Newlywed Game on television, Bob Eubanks. These folks, and dozens more who took their turns at the microphone, were at their best, to help make us all better.

But the one speaker we were all thinking about was not in Atlanta, except in spirit. Art Berg died suddenly two weeks ago, just shy of his fortieth birthday. He had been paralyzed in an accident almost twenty years ago, but life in a wheelchair had not slowed him down. He was always optimistic and cheerful, so much so that doctors treating him in the months after the car wreck that took away use of his legs, diagnosed him as having “Excessive Happiness”. Well, they were right about the Happiness.

Art Berg may be gone, but his message remains. By coincidence, if your Sunday paper today came with the Parade insert, look at the inside back cover and you’ll see a column from his book, The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer.

All I know is what I read in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution or what I see from my window on the 31^st floor of the Marriott Marquis. It rained yesterday, but Georgia is suffering through a long drought and water is getting mighty scarce.

Let me give you an inkling of how tight the supply is. On the bathroom sink in my room, next to those little bottles of shampoo and body lotion, the Marriott had placed a quart jar of water, imported all the way from the French Alps. The sign said it was there for my convenience, but in fine print it said if I opened the bottle, a charge of $4.00 would be added to my room tab.

There was no sign suggesting what the cost would be if I took a drink from the sink, or warning me as to where that water had come from. But those Marriott folks are some of the nicest you could ever meet, and they can’t help it if the Chattahoochee is running on empty.

According to the newspaper, everyone is cutting back except for the farmers. There’s a state law that says farmers can use all they want to irrigate their crops, and don’t even have to tell how many gallons they use. This is an old law, passed during Prohibition. Every farm had a still, and the Legislators didn’t want to risk cutting off their private supply during dry weather. A Legislature can pass laws in a pinch without water, but to lubricate the fine-tuned machinery of government, alcohol is essential.

So the farmers have the water, and the folks in Atlanta, and surrounding states, would like to get a share of it. Florida wants to irrigate the Everglades, but after Georgia waters all the peach trees, peanuts and watermelons, there won’t be a drop make it past Valdosta.

Now I ain’t getting myself caught between farmers and a newspaper, but it is surprising that here we are in a country where folks complain if they have to pay $1.50 a gallon for gasoline, or $2.50 for milk, and yet water at $16.00 a gallon gets not a mention in the editorial pages.

If the French want to sell us their water at $16 a gallon, we should trade ’em our corn for the same price.

Georgia isn’t the only state worrying over water. In Oklahoma the Choctaw and Chickasaw hired a lawyer to re-read the old treaties, and they have found, or at least they think they have found, that these two fine Indian Tribes own the rights to all the water on, and under, about two-thirds of the state. That seems fair because the farmers and everybody else can have what falls on the other third. Except for one little defect, it don’t rain but seldom on their third. You might wonder what will the Indians do with all that water, it’s too far to pump it to Atlanta.

Well, they have found a closer market, in North Texas. They may not draw the same rate as the French, but even if they only get 16 cents a gallon, it beats what they’re getting now, which is nothing. But you just wait; the Governor will figure a way to keep a hundred percent of the water, and a hundred percent of the wampum, leaving the old Indian high and dry as usual.

I saw a headline in USA Today: “Hollywood and Congress Team Up on Ethics Probe”. What a laugh. I don’t know what the story was about, but can you picture those two on Ethics. Why, that would be like Colonel Sanders and Oprah Winfrey combining to open a Texas Steakhouse. There couldn’t be any two with less interest in a subject, or know as little about it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“You could be the World’s greatest orator and if you don’t say anything while orating, they are going to walk out on you after a while.” WA #139, August 9, 1925

ADA, Ohio: Have you heard about the disappearing glaciers in the tropics? If you didn’t know there are glaciers on the equator, it may surprise you even more to find out there aren’t as many now as a hundred years ago.

A professor and geologist named Lonnie Thompson has been measuring and studying these ice caps all over the globe for thirty years, and he’s figured out that some of ’em have been around for 700,000 years. He’s drilled way down in the ice, and he’s learned more exciting ancient history than you can dig out of the diaries of Mae West and Joan Collins combined.

The problem is, these tropical glaciers are melting. Dr. Thompson says even the ice on Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa may disappear in twenty years. He’s one of the top twenty scientists according to Time and CNN, and the only geologist in the bunch, so he must know.

He says he’s going to Alaska next, where they say the permafrost is melting. He plans to drill a few holes to check it out, and if he accidently strikes oil, he’ll study it for awhile because the oil has been around longer than the ice.

I’m here in the metropolis of Ada for a farm meeting. This time of year, you go to about any country town and hang around for a day or two, you’re gonna run into a meeting of farmers. They’re tired of hearing about the low prices of corn, wheat, and soybeans, so the big issue is the new Farm Bill that Congress is arguing over. Normally it’s the Democrats vs. Republicans, but on this one it’s more like the North against the South.

The Senate favors the North, and the House favors the South. That seems kinda peculiar till you realize Tom Harkin from Iowa and Richard Lugar from Indiana run the Ag. Committee in the Senate, and Congressmen Combest and Stenholm of Texas run the same bunch in the House. They are all fine men, and they have the best interests of the country at heart, especially their part of the country.

They pretty much agree on how much the average size farmer should get to help him through the rough years (which is about 9 out of every 10), but the argument is on the big farms. The North wants a maximum payment of around $125,000, and the South wants a higher limit of about $250,000.

Now to some of you folks, either one of those may seem excessive. But if you realize these fellows may have over five million in capital tied up in the farm, and the payment is the difference between losing money and a small profit on the investment… well, would you want to trade places when the loans come due?

Now mind you, these figures are for single farmers. If they’re married, the maximum payment is doubled. So a wife could mean an extra $100,000 to $200,000. The odds are pretty good she’ll be worth it.

For the single farm woman who has been successfully operating the farm alone for years, whether a new husband would be worth that much, I’ve got my doubts.

Why, he could spend more than that a year on toys. You know, toys like a new pickup truck and horse trailer, a big combine, or a crop dustin’ airplane.

President Bush announced he is reforming welfare. From now on at least 70 percent of those receiving government checks must work 40 hours a week. That’s for welfare recipients. He didn’t say how long he expects government employees to work

He’s got a special plan for unmarried mothers on welfare. He wants to pay them more if they get married. Now, off hand that seems like a fine idea. But some of these big women’s organizations have come out against it. They claim there aren’t enough men to go around as it is, at least ones worthy of marrying, and they fear the pool will totally dry up if these single moms start offering cash incentives.

You might say, why not match up these mothers with the single farmers. The problem is for every single man with a few thousand acres, there’s a few thousand of these women.

Of course most of these folks getting our assistance, they don’t want a handout, they want a job. The farmers…well, they would much prefer getting more for their crops and nothing from Congress.

Have you seen the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? Well, fellows, if you’re done looking at the pictures, there’s an interesting article on the Gauchos in Argentina. It’s easy to find… go to the centerfold, then back up a few pages.

That’s all folks, I’ve got to get back to my reading.

Historic fact:
      In the spring of 1902 at age 22, Will Rogers sold his cattle, and headed to the Argentine. It took only a few weeks working on cattle ranches with the gauchos to find out this was no way to make a living. He moved on to South Africa where he got his start as an entertainer with Texas Jack’s Wild West Show.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:
     “These people that you are asked to aid, why they are not asking for charity, they are naturally asking for a job, but if you can’t give them a job why the next best thing you can do is see that they have food and the necessities of life.” From a radio broadcast with President Hoover, Oct. 18, 1931.

COLUMBUS: I spent today with Norman Borlaug, the man who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1970. Meeting him was an honor. And a surprise.

See, about everyone that wins one of those Peace Prizes ends up getting shot. Naturally, I assumed he was dead. No sir, he is alive, and as lively a speaker as you will ever listen to.

You young folks may not remember him, but he was born on an Iowa farm in 1914, and went to Minnesota to learn to be a scientist. Then he went down to Mexico and developed a wheat crop that was short, didn’t rust, and produced twice as much grain. Before long, folks who were mighty hungry over in Pakistan, India, and China got wind of it, they ordered a few shiploads of the seed to plant, and that’s how the so-called Green Revolution was started.

Over the years, hundreds of scientists worked with him, and the improvements they have made in wheat, rice and corn, plus the use of fertilizer, pesticides and machinery, has kept millions and millions from starving to death. And in Asia alone, they have saved a billion and a half acres of grassland and forests from being plowed under.

No wonder they gave him the prize. Food on the table promotes peace in the world more than any deals diplomats work out across the table.

Dr. Borlaug is 88 this year, so I asked him what he’s doing, you know, now that he’s retired. He chuckled, “Retired? I’m working three jobs.” Can you imagine that? He told me he still works on his research part of the year in Mexico, another few months he is helping Africa grow more grain, and every fall he teaches at Texas A&M University. Why, I bet he’ll still be working at 100, if he can avoid getting run over by a Texas Longhorn.

Did you read about that school mess in Kansas. This time it’s not evolution, it’s plagiarism

The students cheated, got caught, and flunked. Parents complained so loud the Board of Education changed their grades. The teacher resigned, and several more will quit in June.

But it gets worse. The school board received a letter from a company in Florida asking for a list of the names of all students in the district, so they can be sure they don’t hire any of them. Then Ken Lay heard about it, and he wrote a letter. Said Enron won’t hire ’em either. Unless they become accountants.

By now I figure the kids have learned their lesson. It’s the parents you shouldn’t hire.

Even some history professors have been accused of plagiarism. Frankly I think that’s one area where it should be acceptable, even encouraged. If one fellow writes, “George Washington was born Feb. 22, 1732,” do you want the next guy to write, “George Washington was born Feb. 22, 1733,” just to be different?

Of course every kid in America thinks he was born on the third Monday in February.

In other school news, the Supreme Court decided not to prevent students from grading each others tests. That makes sense to me… they look at the other guy’s paper during the test, why not afterwards.

The Olympics gave set of gold medals in figure skating to the Canadian pair. They have always used 9 judges. But because of the argument over the French judge, from now on it will be 15, including 6 referees from the NFL. Only 7 of the scores will count, selected by computer, and if it’s a tie, they’ll use instant replay.

An American girl won the gold tonight, but it wasn’t Michelle. She fell to third. Sarah Hughes got the judgement call over Irena of Russia.

You remember last week I said the US won three medals in one sport but I didn’t know what it was. Well, it’s “Olympic halfpipe”. But I still don’t know what it is.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(This first one is Dr. Borlaug’s favorite) “Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” WA #90, Aug. 31, 1924

“A (person) only learns by two things, one is reading, and the other is association with smarter people.” WA #147, Aug. 4, 1925

COLUMBUS: Football fans got themselves an exciting Super Bowl to talk about. The Patriots of New England had patriots all over America kinda pulling for ’em. They were underdogs, but it seemed like they had Paul Revere riding ahead on every play telling ’em what St. Louis would do next. When a team wins 20 to 17 as time runs out, you know the game is interesting enough that we ought to hear more about it than the commercials.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. But the weather the last week of January was so warm the old groundhog was out every day doing his spring courting. By February 2, he was so exhausted the day didn’t carry any special meaning for him.

If he did see his shadow in Ohio, nobody will holler about six more weeks of this kind of winter. I haven’t seen any wild geese flying north yet, but if word of this warm weather reaches Tampa, why Ohio snowbirds will be flocking back up here before the buzzards return to Hinkley.

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. It was to Congress, but mainly he was talking to the rest of us, and to the World. Sure, he talked about terrorism, and a little about taxes, but did you catch how he wants us to volunteer to help others in need. You may not want to pay any more taxes, but you can’t harp on the idea of giving up some of your spare time.

Some of you have already surpassed his goal of 4000 hours, but the rest of us can pitch in at old folks homes, hospitals and schools, and help feed the poor and put clothes on their back. You can do it on your own, or join with the Lions, Rotary, Jaycees, the Legion, Salvation Army or Red Cross… any of our fine service organizations. Our young folks can work through Scouts, 4-H or FFA or many others.

Now keep in mind the President wants us to volunteer our time to help out other folks. If your company gives you a day off to do some good and noble deed, that’s fine and your company deserves credit, but it’s not quite the same as volunteering.

And for you kids, raising money from adults so you can bowl all night or dance in a marathon, or selling cookies so you can go to summer camp, well those things don’t count. If you rake leaves, shovel snow, and mow grass for someone who need it, and give ’em some cookies, now you’re on the right track.

Ann Veneman, our Secretary of Agriculture, was in town Friday and I got to hear her. She reminded us how the government is helping the poor with Food Stamps and aid for infants and children. She encouraged young folks in agriculture to show kids in the towns and cities what farming is like today.

Did you know we export a fourth of our food? We may have to import oil and cars and thousands of others goods, but our farmers produce so much we ship it out. Sec. Veneman said our farmers keep growing more every year, and we need to sell more abroad because “we’re eating just about as much as we can.”

Brother, she’s right on that one. Of course if we ate every day like we do on Super Bowl Sunday, that food surplus would disappear from the farms.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

“Just last Sunday I wrote an article about pro football becoming so popular because they did something besides just run up into the line and butt their heads together all afternoon. Audiences like clever passing and lots of scoring, not 0 to 0, or 6 to 7.” DT #2624, Jan. 2, 1935

COLUMBUS: Did you read in the paper about the man who had a knife on an airplane? This Ohio fellow named Hedrick, he called a radio station to report a security breach, that he had a knife hidden in a belt buckle… he had forgotten it was there… and he got past security at the Greensboro airport.

The FBI got wind of it, and boy they jumped right in. What do you suppose they did? Did they arrest the person that allowed the man to go through security without inspecting his buckle? Did they interrogate the security manager at the airport to see why he hired such a careless person? Did they thank Mr. Hedrick for exposing this dangerous hole in our homeland security?

No, they arrested him. He was held on bail of $500,000, and charged with a crime that could land him in jail for 10 years.

Well, what about the security staff at Greensboro? I think they were transferred temporarily to New Orleans…. to keep terrorists out of the Super Bowl.

The moral to the story is, if you discover some incompetent working at an airport, don’t report ’em to the FBI unless you’re wearing suspenders.

Europe is complaining about how we are treating the Taliban prisoners. But those cells must not be as bad as Europe makes them out to be. Pictures of the prisoners got back to Afghanistan, and Taliban fighters are surrendering by the hundreds in hopes they will get taken there.

Those fellows get a free trip to the Caribbean, and John Walker Lindh, a bonafide American citizen until proven otherwise, he gets sent to Washington, confined at an undisclosed secret location. Probably across the hall from Dick Cheney. He says, ‘If you won’t send me to Guantanamo, can I perhaps serve my time in Puerto Rico?’

Congress is investigating Enron. I think I have figured out a solution. If the Congressmen who got contributions from Enron would give it all back, and if all politicians in every state and country would do the same, and if the company officials and stockholders who sold early at a good profit donated theirs, and Wall Streeters who hawked the stock, and Enron’s lawyers, and Arthur Anderson accountants… if all these scoundrels and their accomplices would come clean, there would be enough dough to at least have some semblance of a company. Not number 7 in size, but maybe 1007. Maybe even enough to give the employees a small settlement for their years of labor.

I have intentionally limited the amount of humor in this message. On Tuesday the President will deliver the State of the Union address, and I don’t want you to risk exceeding your weekly quota of laughs, chuckles and guffaws. Mr. Bush, and the Democratic response, could put you over the top.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Frank Phillips, of oil fame was out the other day, said he was going to Washington. The oil men were going to draw up a code of ethics. Everybody present had to laugh. If he had said the gangsters of America were drawing up a code of ethics, it wouldn’t have sounded near as impossible.” DT #2164, July 11, 1933

“The California Bar Association is to rid its ranks of any attorney found to have connection with the underworld. The first thing they do now if they are taking up crime as a profession (even before they buy the gun) is to engage their lawyer. He works on a percentage. Bar associations invented the word ‘ethics’, then forgot about it.” DT #2621, Dec. 30, 1934