Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: I’ve been out here at the Ohio State Fair a few days. They don’t make Fairs any bigger than this one, as far as young people is concerned. There’s hundreds of them here every day, maybe thousands, having fun and competing to see who can raise the best calf or pig or rabbit, or potatoes or squash. Most are in 4-H or FFA, but every group is represented from Boy Scouts to Campfire to Farm Bureau.

High schools have sent their best musicians and singers to make up an all-star band and choir. They put on quite a show several times a day, and the heat don’t seem to bother them.

Tonight they just finished the sale of champion livestock raised and exhibited by these youngsters. Kroger bought the grand champion steer for $40,000. Last year, you may remember, they paid $75,000. I guarantee you this one will taste just as good, for half the price.

Kroger bid $21,000 for the champion lamb, and they let another grocer, Meijer, take home the top barrow for $20,000 and a pen of four chickens for $11,000. It wasn’t only the food stores bidding. A machinery company owner, DeLynn Kale, bought the reserve champion lamb for $11,000. He’s a friend of mine, and I hope he invites me to the cookout.

The Statler Brothers sang here last Tuesday night. This is their farewell tour, and after forty years, they have earned a break. If you get a chance to see them, don’t put it off. They started with the Star Spangled Banner, closed with How Great Thou Art, and sang about thirty top hits in between, including Flowers on the Wall, Bed of Rose’s, and Elizabeth. They may not have sold as many records as the Beatles, but some of us country folks like them better.

Have you heard about this fat man suing McDonalds? He says they fed him too much, and it’s their fault he’s overweight. He said it’s because he ate there 4 times a week.

Now, if it was just 4 Meals, perhaps the other 17 during the week might have contributed a pound or two to his waistline. But if by “4 times a week” he meant that he arrived Monday morning and ate till Tuesday night, then Wednesday morning till Thursday night, and so on, then he deserves our sympathy, but no money. In fact they should take all his money away instead of giving him more. Imagine what he’ll weigh if he gets a few million dollars to spend on food.

If you want to lose pounds, don’t visit a Fair. There’s something about Fair Food… elephant ears, corn on the cob, ribs barbequed on an open grill, shoo fly pie, fresh lemonade, chocolate ice cream. (If they have a full size cow made out of butter where you buy ice cream, you know it’s going to be special.)

So, go to all the county and state fairs you can afford to. If you walk a mile between visits to the food stands, you’ll be fine.

This is the week Elvis died, 25 years ago. He was one of our grand champion overeaters. Elvis is drawing so much attention, it’s hard for anyone else who chose this week to pass on to get any notice.

There’s a prize boar here at the fair, and he’s a big one. The barrow I mentioned earlier weighs 275 pounds, but this hog weighed in at 1300 pounds. If he eats like the rest of us here, by the end of the fair, he’ll hit1400.

Historical fact about Will Rogers:

Will Rogers and world class pilot, Wiley Post, died when Wiley’s plane crashed at Point Barrow, Alaska, August 15, 1935. In the closing paragraph of her biography of her husband, Betty Rogers wrote, “I can see the boy – grown older, but not grown up; though a little gray and a little stout. He’s on old Soapsuds, still has a rope on his saddle and he still wants to go somewhere.”

CHICAGO: Wasn’t that great news about those miners. It wasn’t luck either. Those old boys knew what they was doing, all of the ones on the ground, and the nine under it.

That was the best job of surveying since George Washington staked out Mt. Vernon for himself. And these fellows did it in the dark. When they said, “Drill here,” nobody argued with ’em, and the rest is history.

Did you read about those Cape Cod cowboys trying to bulldog a herd of whales? It’s tough enough to wrestle a steer while riding a fast horse, but to wrangle a whale while you’re standing knee deep in the Atlantic Ocean, it takes more nerve than the average Yale man can muster. Somehow, those sailin’ cowpokes drove a herd of 50 right out into deep water. But, the next day those same whales showed up 25 miles away on another dry beach. You know, when a whale is determined to commit suicide, there’s not much you can do to prevent it, even in Massachusetts.

Last week Congress kicked out one of their own, James Traficant of Youngstown, Ohio. And yesterday a judge put him right back on the public dole. She gave him 8 years in the federal pen, but he’s eligible to get out two years sooner if he pays a $150,000 fine, keeps his mouth shut, and gets a haircut.

Folks in Youngstown were shocked to find out he wears a wig. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to wear a hairpiece, why buy a blue light special at K-Mart?

He says he’s running for Congress from jail this November, and I don’t doubt it. He won’t win the District, but in Youngstown, of all votes cast, he’ll get at least 110 percent. Just like the last 7 elections.

Last week I told you about the drought in northwestern Ohio, but it’s nothing like some of our western states. Colorado is so short of water, in Denver the Mayor is giving voters a choice, “Instead of washing clothes, it’s ok if you don’t wear any.” And for personal hygiene, “Only wash the stinky parts.”

Now, I can understand a mayor trying to attract the summer tourists, but even Ghandi wore a loin cloth. If the men of Denver choose to wear nothing, I think they should at least bathe completely. Men have no experience at successfully choosing which body parts to scrub, and which ones to leave till next month. They don’t want to be walking down the street, and have someone yell out, “You missed a spot.”

Perhaps the local Baptist churches can be persuaded to open their doors for weekly immersion, without the necessity of being saved again. For this emergency situation they should even welcome the Methodists… sprinkling don’t provide enough relief in these hot months.

Europe has been rehearsing for a water shortage for centuries, but this is no time for us to start adopting their bathing rituals. It only works for them because they can buy French perfume wholesale.

I’m here in Chicago this week for a convention of engineers. This particular bunch don’t design skyscrapers, or pickup trucks, or computers, or tunnels that cost $20,000,000,000. No sir, most of these engineers tell me they work with living things, like plants and animals, and other things you learned about in biology class. Some of them design machines that harvest plants and feed the animals, including us.

Their new president announced that in 50 years, we’ll have 9 Billion people to feed, and water, not oil from Iraq, is what we’ll be worried about. He may be right, if we don’t dry up sooner.

Maybe these folks that choose to live up here on the shores of Lake Michigan, in the snow and rain, aren’t so foolish after all. These Great Lakes just might come in handy later on.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“Poor coffee and no bathtubs have drove more Americans out of England than unfamiliarity with their language has.” DT #849, April 16, 1929.

“Europeans are born and raised on beer and wine. They have it at their tables at every meal, the same as Alabama has quinine. Europeans have been accustomed all their lives to drink all they want, sometimes for hours at a time, and then get up and walk home, even in narrow streets. Headaches were as foreign to them as bathtubs.” How To Be Funny, May 1930

HOYTVILLE, Ohio: Up here in this corner of Ohio the farmers are mighty disappointed. The weather just ain’t cooperating with Congress at all.

See, back in May it rained every day, so corn didn’t get planted till June. You know how optimistic farmers are, and this bunch ranks at the top. These are so optimistic they all vote Republican.

They figured with a good summer and a late frost, the good Lord would provide a fair number of bushels. With what they could raise, and whatever Congress voted to tack onto every bushel, they would get through the winter.

Only problem was, when it stopped raining, it STOPPED raining. The corn came up, but it’s taken all summer to get knee high. You may wonder, why not irrigate? Well, California gets their water from Colorado, but these folks get theirs from the sky. Lake Erie is only fifty miles, but it’s too far for a bucket brigade.

One fellow was asked, “why didn’t you buy crop insurance?” “Well, it was raining so much this spring, I put every available dollar on flood insurance. I bet on the wrong disaster.”

Twenty bushels to the acre, if they’re lucky, won’t draw much of a farm bill supplement. A lot of good folks started the year as big farmers, and may end it small. Kinda like Wall Street investors.

There is some good news this week. Art Linkletter is celebrating birthday number 90. I heard him say he started his first job in September, 1929. He was an office boy on Wall Street. So you see he survived that big crash a month later, and if he can do it, these farmers will, too.

Historical quote from Will Rogers:

“Some good news in the papers. It rained in the Middle West. Farmers are learning that the relief they get from the sky beats what they get from Washington.” DT #2445, June 4, 1934

ORLANDO, Florida: Well, all I know is what I read in the Orlando Sentinel or can see from the nineteenth floor of the Marriott World Center. The view from the balcony covers a portion of Walter Disney’s eastern real estate holdings, and the newspaper covers all of Central Florida, so it’s pretty much the same territory.

Oranges are important here. Maybe not as important as Mickey Mouse or Snow White or Pocahontas, but this is still Orange County. The orange growers have suffered an attack of citrus canker, and they’re trying to wipe that out. If they can get the neighboring homeowners with citrus trees in the back yard to cooperate, they can get this disease under control. Then the only threat to their farming operation will be Disney expansion plans.

I’m down here for a convention of the National Speakers Association. There’s only two things that will draw a sane man to Florida in July, and that’s either your children (or grandchildren) intent on touring Disney World between rain showers, or a Convention.

The Marriott can’t do anything about the heat and humidity outside but they keep it comfortable inside. In fact it’s so cool, when you step outside your lenses fog over. Kinda like a Wisconsin winter, only in reverse.

Last night NSA picked five more members for the Speakers Hall of Fame, and another one for the top prize in the entire association, the Cavett Robert Award. Five of the six honorees are humorists, so prospects are looking better. Here’s another thing… two are from Oklahoma, two from Texas, and one from Missouri. I think we need a new name for this region of the country, call it the “Humor Belt”.

Well, I haven’t told you who these folks are yet. George Campbell is from Norman, Oklahoma, and you probably know him better as “Joe Malarkey, the world’s worst motivational speaker”. Larry Winget is from Tulsa, and nobody has figured out exactly what he does, but it’s always funny. Mark Mayfield is a sharp looking farm boy from Missouri who gets laughs just telling about a car wreck. Suzie Humphreys is from Arlington, Texas, and she says things funny. And Bob Murphey is from Nacogdoches. The only “outsider” is Lisa Ford, from Atlanta, and she is so good at teaching businesses how to give great customer service that she don’t have to be try to be funny.

Let me tell you something else about these humorists. They are all different. I don’t mean just different from you and me, they’re different from each other. That’s one thing about good humorists, they don’t want to be like anyone else.

Bob Murphey received the Cavett Award, presented to him by last year’s winner, Zig Ziglar. Can you believe it, Bob has been speaking professionally since 1950. Ask yourself, or your older kinfolk, this question: Who were you being entertained by in 1950, and how many of ’em are still out there getting laughs? Bob Murphey didn’t earn this award just because he outlived everybody. He is still among the best, and he is always willing to help the young ones get better. Of course, if NSA ever holds a contest to pick the fastest talker, he would likely finish last.

I heard a young humorist Monday that you want to keep your eye on. Tim Gard, from Colorado, is going places. But only in an aisle or window seat, if he can help it.

Some of you are probably wondering, what about those Tall Women speakers you always write about? Well, they’re here, exactly 17 of ’em. (Yes, I counted them, they’re not hard to spot.)

The total membership in this group is up to 28. I overheard one young woman say she can’t get in because she is only 5 foot 10. It was the first time anyone ever told her she wasn’t tall enough.

I want to end on a personal note. It was at the 1996 NSA convention, six years ago, at this same Marriott in Orlando, that a wonderful speaker from Woodward, Oklahoma, Dale Minnick, took one look at me and said, “You’ve got to be Will Rogers.” Tragically, Dale passed away of a heart attack two years later. Anything I ever accomplish as Will Rogers Today, it started with him.

Historical Quotes from Will Rogers:

“We were all down to a mighty fine dinner they gave to Walter Disney. He is the Sire and dam of that gift to the world, ‘Mickey Mouse.’… (He) has a God-given gift of human nature.” WA #564, Oct. 15, 1933

(The next one is from an article Will wrote as a humorous ‘debate’ between Florida and California. This is part of his California response after Florida claims to be known for it’s oranges…)

“I will admit there is a bootleg variety of orange that thrives up to the size of a green plum on the banks of your swamps; but as for being called an orange, that is only done, of course, through a sense of humor. We take Florida oranges to California, dry them and use them for golf balls. As for taste, they resemble the green persimmon.” Saturday Evening Post, May 29, 1926

“Good stuff in Florida will always be good. It’s a marvelous winter state, and a great agricultural State.” WA #200, Oct. 10, 1926

WESTON, West Va.: This is the state to be in for this Holiday. Even President Bush canceled one of his weekly visits to Ohio to spend the Fourth in West Virginia, at Ripley. Ripley always puts on one of the biggest Independence Day celebrations for a little town, anywhere in the country.

Now I was about fifty miles away, so I didn’t get to hear him personally, but from the newspaper accounts and television, it was a mighty fine and sincere speech. He paid a nice tribute to the Veterans, and for two West Virginia soldiers who won’t be returning from the war in Afghanistan.

Before the president arrived, a Baptist preacher had already warmed up the audience with an Invocation. The crowd in front of the Courthouse was around 8000. That’s more than live in the entire county, so they had to borrow a few spectators from neighboring counties. Normally that’s easy, but they preferred Republican spectators, and Republicans are scarce in some of those counties, especially ones willing to be spectators.

Well, facing such a huge congregation was rare for this preacher. He knew they weren’t all Baptists, but they are all potential Baptists. He condensed his usual sermon down to a minute, but he still let them know where he stood on gambling, natural childbirth and liquor by the drink.

The President lead the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Now, we have all heard, and probably have said, the Pledge in the last few days, but I had never heard it with more pride in America. And it was louder, at least for the phrase “under God”.

Mr. Bush left West Virginia and headed for Maine, to be alone with all his family. Today, he celebrates a birthday, number 56. You know, there’s nothing better than celebrating a birthday with family and friends in a favorite setting, whether it’s with steaks on the grill, gravy and biscuits, cold watermelon, or blackberry pie. Fireworks are optional.

The World Cup ended with Brazil defeating Germany. Last week I said the score would be 1-0, and I was wrong, as usual, on my prediction. With my talent for predicting you can see why I should never be allowed to play the lottery, or Wall Street. Well, the score was 2-0, so the game had twice the excitement I expected. The most excitement though is in Turkey and South Korea. Finishing third and fourth was way beyond their expectations.

Ted Williams died yesterday. I can’t add anything to the tributes this American hero has received. But if you’re interested, here’s what I wrote in Weekly Comments #83, July 17, 1999: “Two places I would have liked to be this past week was Fenway Park and the Rose Bowl [women’s soccer, U.S. vs. China]. That baseball All-Star celebration in Boston brought out some of the men that made the game. When Ted Williams came out to throw the first pitch the players surrounded him. They all wanted to listen to this great hitter. They should have just given him a microphone, let the players sit around him on the field like in kindergarten, and allow him to treat all of us to a two-hour seminar on how to play the game and enjoy life. He could throw in a few tips on fishing and nobody would care if they just canceled the game. Well, the boys did play it, and the American League won 4 to 1. But it’s Ted Williams everyone will remember from that night.”

The way the owners and players are squabbling today, we’ll never have another one like him. If they stop playing in August, America’s pastime will be just that, in the past.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“We tore ourselves loose from England in that year (1776), it’s a question of who it was a better deal for. There was an awful lot of things before 1776 that we wasent “blessed” with when we were under England. Just mention any problem that’s facing our country today, and it wasent with us before 1776. Do you realize there was no Senate, and no Congress? Then you talk about freedom. No inflation, deflation, reforestation, or sophistication.

The only thing like today was we had no money. But we had no debts. Course you had a little Indian trouble, about one tenth as much as you do today with your kidnappers.” WA #598, June 10, 1934

AUBURN, Alabama: You’ll have to pardon me for a minute, while I stand and salute:

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and Justice for all.”

See, I can’t let Congress get too far ahead of me on such a vital issue. Nobody knew Congress could act so fast. Inside of an hour after those judges in San Francisco threw out the Pledge of Allegiance, the entire House of Representatives was on the front steps of the Capitol, practicing it.

They could have stayed inside the House chambers… they have a flag in there. But not the cameras.

The Senate passed a resolution, 99 to 0, in disfavor with that Circuit Court ruling. Well, that’s one thing those California judges did for history. They brought the U.S. Senate to a unanimous decision.

The father that started the lawsuit says his daughter should not have to say anything about “one nation under God” in school, and she shouldn’t even have to hear it. Well, if it upsets him that 250 million of us like the Pledge the way it is, perhaps he should find a country that is not under God, and has no connection to any God. He’ll get plenty of offers of a ticket to go there. One way. If he tries to take his little girl with him, he may have a battle.

Well, let’s get on to the other news this week. I just read one of the top newspapers in this part of Alabama, the Montgomery Advertiser. This is the most forthright paper in the country. They tell you right up front in the name what their main purpose is. Folks here must appreciate their honesty because they have been reading the Advertiser since 1829. Their motto: All the advertisements that’s fit to print. And all the news that’ll fit in the space that’s left.

Alabama held an election Tuesday. Senator Sessions has a new opponent this November, Susan Parker. She says, “Mr. Sessions is Goliath and I am David with a slingshot.” Well, Mr. Sessions is not a small man, but this is probably the first time he has been favorably compared to a man of that stature. And I think she sells herself short saying all she has going for her is a forked stick and a few small stones. Well, it should be a lively campaign, and it’ll give folks something to argue over in case all the football teams are doing poorly.

Mr. Arafat says he will run again, regardless. His determination, persistence and bullheadedness about running again is an annoyance for President Bush and others who want him out of there. Kinda like Mr. Gore is for the Democrat leaders.

Have you noticed, War has held off so far this month? Yes, credit goes to the World Cup. The only people in the world, besides us, not watching soccer is the suicide bombers, and there was only a couple of them. Even America watched it till we got shut out.

Brazil and Germany fight it out on the field this Sunday. I can’t predict the winner, but I know the score will likely be 1-0.

We got more of these big companies in trouble for cheating their shareholders and tricking the auditors. Enron, Global Crossing, Arthur Andersen, WorldCom… Hardly a day goes by without more scandals and layoffs.

Did you see where Playboy this month is showing those former Enron women? Who will be next? The way things are going on Wall Street, they may have to publish weekly to keep up. Just stop before they get to Martha Stewart.

Well, I am down here at Auburn University, the home of War Eagles and Tigers. Chicago had cows on her streets, the Midwest has concrete geese on front lawns, but Auburn has Tigers anywhere you want one. Any style or color combination, they will paint one for you. This is a good school with a lot more going on than painting and football.

I am here for a Southern Tillage Conference where they are working on ways to raise cotton, peanuts and all sorts of other crops for less money, and with no erosion. When I say “Southern”, I am not limiting it to where you might guess. For this meeting the South reaches almost to the Antarctic. We got folks here from Paraguay, Uruguay and Brazil. Even Southern California.

You know, when cotton is 35 cents a pound and soybeans are $4.50 a bushel, farmers have got to cut their nonessential costs. They may eliminate the old moldboard plow in the South as an unnecessary and costly recreational activity, but they’ll always keep politics around for entertainment purposes.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“(I just) read the new census. Talk about putting a quota on immigration. Why, the Yankees are swarming into the South like locusts.

Get some of these gains: Houston, Texas showed a gain of 110 per cent. Atlanta, 73 per cent gain, will be Houston’s nearest rival in twenty years. Miami, 273 per cent. Oklahoma City, 100 per cent. Birmingham 44, Memphis 55, San Antonio 57, and the Carolinas just packed ’em in. Only one drawback… the rascals bring their Republican politics with ’em. They ought to be met at the line and deloused.” DT #1201, June 1, 1930

COLUMBUS: Southwest Airlines announced a plan to make passengers pay for all the space they occupy, in case they lap over into the adjoining seat. When I first heard it, I thought “My Lord, they are going back to 1927.”

You see, in those days the only scheduled planes were the ones carrying the U. S. mail. Since “I” was always in a hurry to get somewhere, the government let me fly on those planes if I paid by the pound, the same as the mail.

Now, I don’t blame Southwest for adopting this old policy. In fact they have always followed another rule from the mail planes: if you want a meal on the flight, pack a lunch.

Then I read the paper again, and they don’t say anything about weight, only size. That’s a big difference. Just like your carry-on bag has to fit in a certain size box at the ticket counter, you will have to fit in a frame the same size as a seat. If you can’t squeeze in, you pay double.

Since weight don’t matter, only breadth, I see a big gain for the corset manufacturers. Can you imagine the millions to be made by controlling the corset concession at every airport? It’s enough to make John Gotti roll over.

When a fleshy passenger is asked to pay double, why he won’t kick on forking over $99 for a corset, if it’ll keep him within the confines of his assigned seat and save hundreds of dollars.

You can make a good profit because brand name won’t mean a thing. A few ladies may insist on a Maidenform, but by and large, any brand will do, even a Sears Industrial Strength.

Contact your Congressman. Be first in line for the Corset Corner franchise at your local airport. It’s a sure fire winner.

Only two things could knock it down… if Mr. Bush is successful at getting everybody to exercise a half hour a day (fat chance), and if McDonalds doubles the price of Super Sizes.

Speaking of our President… last week I told you he would be back in Ohio soon. Well, no sooner had Air Force One left Ohio air space than Laura Bush was on the ground in Cincinnati. And today V-P Dick Cheney was in Dayton. Next week will be a great disappointment if Ohio don’t at least get Mr. Rumsfeld or Colin Powell.

Historical quote from Will Rogers: (this is a classic on Corsets)

“(Corset manufacturing is) an essential industry. Just imagine, if you can, if the flesh of this country were allowed to wander around promiscuously! Why, there ain’t no telling where it would wind up. There has got to be a gathering or a get_together place for everything in this world, so, when our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help assemble them and bring back what might be called the semblance of a human frame.

These corset builders have got what you would call a Herculean Task, as they really have to improve on nature. The same problem confronts them that does the people that run the subways in New York City. They both have to get so many pounds of human flesh into a given radius. The subway does it by having strong men to push and shove until they can just close the door with only the last man’s foot out. But the corset carpenters arrive at the same thing by a series of strings.

They have what is known as the back lace. This is known as a one man corset.

Now the front lace can be operated without a confederate. Judiciously holding your breath, with a conservative intake on the diaphram, you arrange yourself inside this. Then you tie the strings to the door knob, and slowly back away. When your speedometer says you have arrive at exactly 36, why haul in your lines and tie off.

We have also the side lace. That is made in case you are very fleshy and need two accomplices to help you congregate yourself. You stand in the middle and they pull from both sides. This acts something in the nature of a vise. This style has been known to operate so successful that the victim’s buttons have popped off their shoes.

Now, of course, not as many women wear corsets as used to, but what they have lost in women they have made up with men.” WA #12, March 4, 1923

COLUMBUS: This is Fathers Day. Personally, it has been a great day, and I have no complaints. But, if you think about it, almost every Sunday is good for a dad. If you really want to pay him the respect he deserves, I think we need a Monday holiday for dads.

You may say, the country already takes a lot of Mondays off work. Of course none of those holidays come in June, so I figure we can make a good case for it. If there’s too much of a yell, I suppose we can compromise… we’ll make it a national holiday, but only for dads. Everybody else will have to work.

President Bush was in town Friday. He dropped in to speak to the graduating class at Ohio State University. He mainly reminded them about his suggestion that everyone volunteer two years of service for the public good over their lifetime. Some of the students said it sounded like a good idea provided they can live off mom and dad while they do it. Especially if they can sleep till noon.

Most students felt honored to have the President here to wrap up their four years in college, or five or six. Now, having Mr. Bush come to Ohio is an honor, but it’s no novelty. He stops in every month or two to remind folks to vote Republican. Don’t be surprised if he is back for the State Fair in August.

The President is encouraging Israel to recognize the Palestinians, to let ’em have a piece of land to call their own. Israel says, “We will do it, but not till we finish building this fence around ’em. We will recognize the Palestinians, but only if they stay on the other side of the barb wire.”

The fence will have an electric charge added to it. Mr. Sharon wanted to add a moat, but they would have to truck the water too far. Mr. Arafat probably would not object to the fence if, while it was keeping his Palestinians on one side, it kept the Israelis on the other.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Father had a day, but you can’t find anybody who remembers when it was. It’s been so confused with April the first.” Radio broadcast, May 12, 1935

“I propose a Father’s Day. No flowers, no fuss, just let him use the car himself and go where he wants to. But we will never live to see such a contented day.” DT #1183, May 11, 1930

COLUMBUS: After giving us eleven days of rain, the Lord finally saw fit to tempt us with a little sunshine yesterday. The only three dry locations in Columbus were on the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. Corn farmers are undecided whether their planter needs wider tires, Caterpillar tracks, or pontoons. The Pilgrims reported that Indians put a fish beside every corn plant. Well, we got whole fields of fish, but no corn planted.

I know it don’t seem fair to all these other regions doing without rain. Iowa got eight inches one day, and Montana ain’t had that much in a year. Why, it’s got so bad along the Rio Grande, Texas is trying to buy water from Mexico.

The Masai Tribe in Africa gave 14 old milk cows to our ambassador, in remembrance of the World Trade Center victims. It was a wonderful gesture and sacrifice of the highest order. He accepted the cows even though he didn’t even own a milk bucket. Just like any dairy farmer today, his first thought was to sell them. Then he would put the money into a fund for the victims.

But some television reporters got wind of the plan and said the cows should be trucked to America, where they could be put on display in various zoos and circuses. Then some other reporter said, no, they can’t be penned up, they need room to roam. So they compromised on a plan to send seven to New York to be turned loose in Central Park, and the other seven to Rock Creek Park in Washington. How many of these reporters do you think will show up twice a day to lasso and milk ’em?

We got ranchers in the West where it is so dry they would give 14 Thousand cows to our government, as long as they get fed and returned in good shape. These are beef cows, and most come with a calf that handles the milking chores. All they really need is a park where the grass needs mowed. The park can even keep the fertilizer.

The President announced plans for a new cabinet agency, the Department of Homeland Security. The idea is to bring under one person every government employee needed to keep us safe at home. Congress seems to like the idea of it being under one Secretary, but they can’t agree on which 78 Congressional committees should be responsible for keeping an eye on him. It won’t be as tough to get the FBI, Coast Guard and Immigration to compromise and cooperate as it will the various sub-committee chairmen.

Did you hear about the woman with the U.S. Department of Agriculture in Florida, Johnelle Bryant? She turned down those terrorists when they asked for a loan. Mohamed Atta wanted $650,000 to buy a plane for crop dusting and charter service, in the spring of 2000. Three others came in later to ask her for money.

Now, all across this country we had people that seemed to give those men anything they wanted… visas, flying lessons, airline tickets to fly anywhere…, and this one woman with the Farm Services Agency is the only one who said, “No”.

Just a few days ago I talked to a bunch of those USDA-FSA folks, from all over the country, and if I had only realized their wisdom and good judgement at the time, I would have just asked questions and let them provide the lecture.

When Mr. Bush is organizing that new department I think two people he should put in charge, along with Secretary Ridge, is Mrs. Bryant, and that FBI lawyer in Minneapolis, Coleen Rowley.

A friend told me recently not to worry about any wars in India, Pakistan or most anywhere else in the world for the next three weeks. The soldiers are all watching the World Cup, no matter who is playing. Any war begun this month will be started by diplomats. Or Americans.

Another old murder has been solved with the Skakel conviction. Connecticut took only 27 years to find him guilty. Now they can honestly claim to be 12 years ahead of Alabama, but only in that one category.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I got a wire (from) my ranch, or what I thought was a cattle ranch (saying it) was now a fish hatchery.” WA #231, May 15, 1927

LAFAYETTE, Indiana: This is Memorial Day. At least it was before we decided all important days had to come on a Monday. They used to have a big car race in this state every May 30, but they held it last Sunday. The fellow who won the race is from Brazil. He just stopped at Indianapolis for the day on his way to play soccer in Japan. This week NATO welcomed their old enemy Russia into its living room and gave it a seat. It ain’t the best seat, but it sure beats having to stand outside and peek in a window. The North Atlantic Treaty Organization reaches all the way to the North Pacific, no matter which side you approach it from, Siberia or Alaska. Maybe we should welcome Cuba into North America. Russia had unanimous support. And the only nation that appears to oppose Cuba is Florida. Nobody can claim Florida is a bad businessman. I read where, for just a few million dollars, Florida tricked the big oil companies into selling the mineral rights under half the state and part of the Gulf. Shrewd. And they even got the rest of us to pay the bill. You just wait… in about 50 years, when the tourists can’t find a drop of gasoline to drive to California or Oklahoma or any of the other prime vacation spots, Florida will drill a few wells when the Feds aren’t looking. Then they will ration out just enough fuel to tourists for ’em to drive straight to Orlando. Then after a month or two (even sooner if their bank account runs as dry as their tank), why Florida will loan ’em enough gas to drive home again. I have heard from a few of you folks in dry states and countries, but here in our middle west it has rained almost every day. It’s been too wet to plant much. In this state about 20 percent of the fields have been planted to corn, maybe 10 percent to soybeans. That’s all. Most of the other 70 percent, if it’s not under water, it’s covered with wild mustard. This yellow weed is awful pretty, kinda like sunflowers in Kansas. But to a farmer, it’s a weed, and a reminder of how far behind he is with planting. Nobody has yet found a use for this mustard, but if President Bush is interested, Gov. O’Bannon says his state will sell all rights to ’em for ten million. That would leave his budget only $1.29 Billion short for next year. Indiana and these other wet states invite you to bring your buckets and carry home all the water you want, no charge. If you show up in an empty tank truck, they’ll even loan you a pump. If you want to learn about erosion and where all this mud you see in rivers is coming from, here’s the place to ask. The USDA has a whole building devoted to nothing but Erosion. These scientists spend all day studying soils, and how to stop rain from washing it off fields and into streams and lakes. They say you should keep something growing on it, or if it’s too cold to grow, cover the soil with old crop stalks or straw. That works with wind erosion, too, and anywhere in the world. Bob Hope turned 99, and Delores is 93. Thanks for the memories, Bob, and the laughs. I sure would love to be at your Birthday Party next year. Historical quote from Will Rogers: “I will never joke about old Soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of old times with old friends is the greatest thing in the world.” WA #169, March 7, 1926