Category: Uncategorized

KANSAS CITY, Missouri: I flew here from Columbus on American this week. It is discouraging to look down on so much farm land with nothing growing. Much of it still too wet to work, some is under water.

Folks from Washington are out here explaining the Farm Bill to farmers. The simplest deciphering I’ve heard so far is this one: “Raise what Texas raises, and you’ll collect a check.” Also: “If you milk what Vermont milks, it won’t turn sour on you.”

They say the grain farmer can collect funds in three ways. But it’s all from one source, the U.S. taxpayer. So folks are asking, where does the taxpayer go to get an understanding of his role in this transaction.

This must be the season for states to announce their budgets. Missouri is short of money, but I didn’t hear any details. Ohio joined that big multi-state lottery, Mega Millions, in hopes they could balance the budget. No luck on the first drawing… the winner was from Chicago. Gov. Taft has been unsuccessful in persuading him to move to Cleveland. And, if a fellow from Cleveland does happen to win, say, a $200 million jackpot in the next year or two, what’s to keep him from moving himself and his dough to Florida.

North Carolina passed a budget, using lottery profits to balance it. Only problem is they don’t have a lottery. Ohio will be happy to sell ’em some tickets.

Ohio also raised cigaret taxes fifty cents. Kentucky doesn’t charge any tax to speak of, so Ohio is preparing to block all the bridges to the Bluegrass state, and sink any boats on the river.

I read where some unemployed lawyers, having exhausted the supply of people to defend, are wanting to represent chimps. Since the bank account of the average chimp is insufficient to cover the retainer, they want us to pick up the hourly fee. If you give a chimp a lawyer, why, before you know it he’ll demand the right to buy a gun. A chimp with a loaded gun could be as dangerous as a chimp with a lawyer.

I’m heading back to Columbus tonight. Tiger Woods is playing the Memorial tournament this week, and he won the last three times here. We’ll see if Jack Nicklaus has any surprises for him.

Sad news from Washington tonight. Chandra Levy’s body was found, by a dog. The murderer left her body hidden in thick weeds and underbrush, not out in the open areas where the police had searched thoroughly. Three times. The Police Chief said they have a dog, but he was only allowed to search a limited number of hours a day. Sounds like that dog has a lawyer. Officials are scouring the area for clues. They already found bone fragments, shoes, a jogging bra, and three more bodies. Until they can obtain and train a few more dogs, Washington police are appealing to prospective murderers to leave their victim in a clearly visible location.

Let’s not be too hard on Washington. Birmingham took 39 years to convict a murderer.

A terrorist has apparently threatened to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. Why would anyone want to destroy this beautiful historic bridge? He should just sell it, like everyone else.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I just give up reading murders. You no more than get a few details of one murder than the afternoon paper brings you news of another. The best read man in the country couldn’t tell you who killed who last week.” DT #2457, June 18, 1934

 

COLUMBUS: Our former President, Jimmy Carter, is in Cuba. Mr. Castro let him go on television, he talked on for an hour and it was all in Spanish. It was a short speech by Cuban standards, and the people liked what they heard.

Mr. Carter told ’em they should have an election to select a president democratically, by popular vote. They all knew about Florida, you know, from their cousins in Miami, so that got a big laugh. Jimmy then explained, “Not the way we did it in 2000, but rather the way our founding fathers intended.”

Did you read where the Republicans are selling a picture of President Bush for $150? It was taken on September 11, and Democrats are upset. Now I’m all for the Democrats, God love ’em, but what’s the complaint? It’s a picture that anyone can get free on the internet, or cut out of a magazine, so why worry about what a rich Republican will pay for it.

What they’re mainly upset about is nobody will pay $150 for a picture of President Clinton. Actually there’s images of him that Republicans would pay Thousands for, but no one was there to snap the picture.

Farmers are having a tough time, especially the cattlemen. First, McDonald’s says they plan to buy their beef in Australia because it’s leaner. Well, we’ve got plenty of beef on the hoof right here and the way farmers are getting squeezed, their old cows will soon be just as hungry as the Aussies. If McDonald’s wants to serve meat from Down Under, they ought to sell lambburgers. Even our ranchers would eat those.

Next, the NCAA announced that colleges will stop using basketballs made of cowhide in their tournaments. That ain’t so bad, but they thanked PETA for giving ’em the idea. When you think about all these agricultural universities across the country that teach animal husbandry, and now they will have to dribble a ball made of plastic…

I suppose PETA will tell these schools they have to give up their animal names, too. Will colleges want to give up names like Wolverines, Badgers, Wildcats, Buffalos, Bears, Gators and Leathernecks, and trade ’em for vegetables? I doubt you’ll ever see the Texas Longhorns become the Texas Turnipgreens.

Farmers got a farm bill through Congress. Lots of people seem to think we’re giving our farmers too much. One thing they forget is the farmer will collect so much a bushel for what he grows. The big farmer and the small one get the same, so many cents a bushel or pound, depending on the commodity. So the more he grows, the more he gets. And the more he grows, the better we eat.

If he grows nothing, he gets nothing. This spring in Ohio, and in a bunch of other states, it’s rained almost every day and not much has been planted. One farmer told me his fields are so wet he may call a crop duster in Louisiana to fly up here and sow rice. We had two days of sunshine, to give the farmers hope, but it’s supposed to rain the rest of the week. But they’re optimistic, their tractors are fueled, and when the weather breaks they could have the corn and soybeans all planted in a couple of weeks.

On this Farm Bill, the Northerners wanted a low maximum limit per farm, Southerners wanted no limit, and Congress arranged it so both got what they wanted. The limits are just like a plank in a political platform… just for the orator to point to.

No matter whether it’s corn, cotton or peanuts, most of the money will go to pay the rent on the land, and maybe buy some machinery. One improvement, if Mr. Carter and President Bush could persuade the voters in south Florida to go along, would be for us to buy all our sugar from Cuba, and for them to buy everything else from us.

And if we could carry that idea to every corner of the globe… you grow what you grow best, and we’ll do likewise, and we’ll trade with each other… maybe our farmers wouldn’t need any government subsidy. The taxpayers would be happy and the farmers would be thrilled.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Did you see in the paper this afternoon where Cuba is liable to have another change of government? … It’s their country. It’s their sugar. Take the sugar out of Cuba and we would no more be interested in their troubles than we would a revolution among the Zulus.” DT #2218, Sept. 12, 1933

“There is one thing about a Latin American country. No matter who is running it, they are always run the same.” DT #2213, Sept. 6, 1933

COLUMBUS: I’ve been watching some television, and there’s nothing new. It’s all old. Last night NBC dug into the old film cellar and came up with shows from Bob Hope, Sid Caesar, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Johnny Carson, Dean Martin, Perry Como, Dinah Shore and Andy Williams to Dave Garaway and Chet Huntley and David Brinkley. Tonight CBS showed Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows and Art Carney from the 1950’s. Go to a movie theater, and what’s on? Spiderman. How long has he been around? Let’s check the news channels. Well, Israel and the Palestinians are arguing over land, Europe is crowing about defeating a radical politician, Congress votes relief for the farmer, and Lindbergh flies solo across the Atlantic. Well, there is something new. Yesterday was World Laughter Day. You might have thought May 5 was just Cinco de Mayo, but that was mainly concocted as a celebration by the liquor companies and scheduled to give you a few days to sober up and buy flowers and gin for Mother’s Day. On Laughter Day, you just laugh for no reason at all. You don’t have to hear a funny joke or read a comic. As I understand it, you start off with a couple of HaHaHa’s, followed by a HeeHeeHee, and a big belly laugh HoHoHo. After you do that for a minute or two, especially if you’re with some other folks laughing along with you, why you’ll be smiling and in such a good mood you can’t help but be happy. And you don’t have to wait another year to try laughing. In India and some other places there’s folks that start every day laughing. Can’t hurt to try it. They say, “Laugh till it helps.” Now if President Bush could get Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon together, and start ’em laughin’, who knows where it might lead. I don’t think either one of those birds has had a good laugh since Amos ‘n Andy went off the air. Historic fact and a quote from Will Rogers: On Nov. 15, 1927, the first radio network show (by the National Broadcasting Company) was sent out over telephone wire to 24 stations. About 5 million listeners tuned in for all or part of the program that lasted 4.5 hours. Will Rogers was one of the entertainers on that very first network hookup, speaking from a remote location in Independence, Kansas. (From “Will Rogers: A Biography” by Ben Yogoda) On his weekly Sunday night radio broadcast, July 8, 1934, Will joked that he never answered any fan mail sent to him. But he added, “You write to these folks that’s puttin’ on this racket. It’s Gulf Oil Company… in care of the National, or is this Colum___? No, no. This is the National. Here’s an NBC right in front of me. NBC. No Body Cares. And those are mighty good letters. Nothin’ anybody says over the radio today is remembered tomorrow, and it’s just as well. No Body Cares.”

 

COLUMBUS: Let’s start off with some headlines from the Columbus Dispatch.

“Jesse Helms to have surgery to replace a valve in his heart.” That’ll be a shock to some folks… they don’t believe the Senator has a heart. Of course he has a heart… it’s just in a different place than theirs.

“White House backs abolishing immigration agency.” That sounds like good news for those who want smaller government. But no, they want to replace the Immigration and Naturalization Service with two agencies, one to let ’em in, and the other to keep ’em out. I got a better plan … let the Marines keep the undesirables out, and the job of letting the worthy immigrants in would be turned over to the Bureau of Indian Affairs.

And I would make it retroactive. Anybody who’s ancestors arrived on these shores since 1492 would have to explain why this country is better off with them than without ’em. Anybody whose forefathers were brought here under false pretenses or against their will would have the option of a free ticket back to their homeland. If they decide they like it better here, they could apply for re-admission.

“Philip Morris supports self-extinguishing cigarettes.” They claim that 900 lives would be saved in this country if cigarettes went out automatically when the smoker was done with them. Can you imagine how many would be saved if they went out immediately when lit?

“Ohio Senate adopts pro-Israel resolution.” Wow, they took time from raising taxes and cutting spending to tackle this controversial issue. At least they’re in favor of somebody. Some folks around Columbus ain’t even sure they’re pro-Ohio. But these Senators up for re-election will survive this November as long as they don’t adopt a resolution that’s pro-Michigan.

“Pope gives mixed signals: condemns abuse, but hints at forgiveness.” Even the Cardinals said they were confused by his message. Well, some of you may recollect, the Disciples didn’t always understand what our Savior said at the time either.

“Blake asked two stuntmen to kill wife.” Don’t bank on this Hollywood sex drama to draw as big a crowd as O.J. or Cleopatra. It will fizzle at the box office quicker than Mariah Carey.

I read some good news in a West Virginia newspaper. They are going to let 4-H keep their Indian traditions after all. If you live in one of the other 49, see if you can get your 4-H camps to pick up on it.

In Australia and New Zealand they celebrated ANZAC Day this week. Now that shows how two great nations can live peacefully as neighbors. About the only thing they ever fight over is rugby, soccer and cricket, and cricket takes so many days to finish a match they’re too tired to argue politics. What Israel and Palestine need is a Day every year they can celebrate together. Just pick one when the weather might be favorable for a picnic and declare it I-Pal Day. Who knows, it might work so well they won’t need to be separated by 20 miles.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A lady in Chicago is arrested for killing a casual acquaintance. That’s news. If she had killed her husband or lover that would be commonplace. But friends are seldom killed. What does the 8th chapter, second verse of the first book of Matthew teach us? That verse should be enough to teach us that friendship should be trusted. We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.” WA #49, Nov. 18, 1923

COLUMBUS: Well, I’ve put this off about as long as I can. I delayed writing my weekly annoyance a few extra days, just waiting for Peace to break out. Since there’s no news to report, we’ll do just what they do on television under similar circumstances… we’ll chat among ourselves.

Remember when our President announced from his ranch in Crawford that he told Prime Minister Sharon to pull out his army, “without delay”? Then he sent Sec. Powell over there to talk to ’em, and if necessary, lasso ’em and bulldog ’em back on their side of the line.

Well, the Secretary must have left his lasso in Texas. Nobody got roped. He spent ten days seeing the sights in the Middle East, (or was it 40 days wandering in the Wilderness?) and left for home saying he made some headway. If I heard it right he said, “We came over here not knowing if Israel would pull out in two weeks or two months. I am pleased to report progress: Israel told me yesterday it would definitely be two months.”

But you can’t blame our Secretary of State. He knew he wouldn’t get anywhere when he headed over there. If he had intended to win, he would have taken General Swartzkoff.

You can’t really blame the Prime Minister either. When our government was tracking down Dillinger and his gang in 1933, did they announce, “Two more weeks, and if we don’t get him, we quit looking.”? Mr. Sharon is a fighter and always has been. That’s all he knows. Johnny Cash sang about a Boy named Sue. Would you want to be a Man named Sharon?

Can you blame Mr. Arafat? Many people do, but he is a fighter and that’s all he’s known for years. What is it he is fighting for? Well, it’s always for a bit more than anyone wants to give him. But it’s less than he thinks his people deserve.

Those countries in that region don’t realize what they’re giving up. Millions of people from all over the world would pay thousands a piece to take a 10-day tour of the same places Colin Powell visited. There ain’t hardly a nicer territory on Earth than around the Mediterranean in the spring if you could just keep politics out of it.

But you can’t blame it all on politics. It’s more on their particular brand of politics.

Over here we got politics, but it’s mainly for the humor. Take Florida. (Now admit it, as soon as you read “Take Florida”, didn’t you burst out laughing?)

You remember what happened back in the election of 2000. The sides was split 50-50, right down the middle. For more than a month, the number one hit on television was that live show from West Palm Beach and Tallahassee. They should have called it Survivor 0. The Newscasters thought it was drama. But for the ordinary viewer… they were watching it as a comedy.

Did the tourists stay away from Florida because of all these political battles and turmoil? Not on your life. This spring they had more vacationers than ever, and you can’t give all the credit to Walt Disney’s 100^th birthday, fast cars at Daytona and cheap beer on the beach. Political comedy is attracting a fair share. Janet Reno for Governor. Katherine Harris for Congress. See, you laughed again.

Well, this chat doesn’t have a stopping point, so I’ll just sign off with an inkling of a Peace Plan. I may reveal more details next week if no other plan succeeds in the mean time. It involves a 20-mile wide strip of land running north-south to be inhabited only by those sworn to a peaceful existence with their neighbors. All combatants would be forced to live separately on either side. I’ll leave you in suspense as to whether this Plan refers to the Jews and Palestinians in Israel, or the Democrats and Republicans in Florida.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I’ve got a plan that’ll stop all wars. When you can’t agree with your neighbor you move away. With your wife, she either shoots you or moves away from you. Now that’s my plan. Move nations away from each other. Take France and Germany. They can’t agree, so take France and trade places with Japan. Let Japan live there by Germany. If those two want to fight, let ’em fight. Who cares. We’d run excursions to a war like that.
We don’t always agree with Mexico. Well, trade Mexico off for Turkey, harems and all. Now we got men in this country that would get along great with Turkey.
And that would solve the Irish problem. Take England and move ’em away from Ireland. Take ’em over to Canada and let ’em live off their son-in-law. When you move England away from Ireland don’t you let Ireland know where you’re taking ’em, or they’ll follow ’em and get ’em.” From an early recording, circa mid-1920s.

ST. MARYS, Ohio: After pondering on it for a week, I uncovered an idea that Colin Powell may want to consider for settlin’ the Middle East argument. But first I’ve got to tell you where I am.

This is Auglaize County, in the western part of Ohio, home of the astronaut, Neil Armstrong. He was one of those Rocket Boys, but he was born in farm country instead of a coal mine so nobody made a movie about him, at least not yet.

Here at St. Marys Memorial High School they have an FFA organization as modern as space ships, but with an ancient and successful history almost as old as the school building itself. At one time FFA stood for Future Farmers of America, but now they just use the initials, kinda like 3M and FMC. And rightly so because these students are prepared to go into about any line of work in their future, including farming. One told me he wants to be a Mechanical Engineer. Another one, the boy who introduced me tonight at their banquet, says he don’t know what he’ll do, but I would say he is laying the groundwork for being a Comedian. He’s just ornery enough to make a go of it.

I promised you a plan for the Middle East, and here it is. Now, I told this to the FFA students tonight and their parents, and they figured it stood as good a chance as any other plan we might impose, at least one we can afford.

This plan ain’t mine, in fact it goes back to something the Indians learned and practiced for hundreds of years, way before the white man arrived on these shores and civilized ’em.

See, what you do is have Mr. Arafat and Mr. Sharon trade places for a week.

To explain this plan in a way those men will understand it, I suggest Secretary Powell invite an Indian to fly over there to join him pronto. I would recommend the Chief of the Cherokee Nation out in Oklahoma. If she is tied up and can’t go, I’ll round up someone else for him.

(Read the Historic Quotes below for explanation.)

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“(Indians say) you must never disagree with a man while you are facing him. Go around behind him and look the same way they do when you are facing him. Look over his shoulder and get his viewpoint, then go back and face him and you will have a different idea.

“An Indian (said) the reason a white man always got lost, and an Indian dident, was because an Indian always looked back after he passed anything so he got a view of it from both sides. You see the white man just figures that all sides of a thing are the same. That’s like a dumb guy with an argument, he don’t think there can be any other side, only his. That’s what you call politicians.” WA #514, October 30, 1932

COLUMBUS: This past week we lost the Queen Mum and the King of Television. She was 101, and was the one in British royalty that glued everyone together. He was 93, and was the one in 1948 that glued everyone to the TV. They were both ambitious, took advantage of their opportunities, and they were both charming in a dress.

Milton Berle got his start in Vaudeville.

Elizabeth got her start by marrying the second son of King George V. Normally that carries even lower expectations than marrying a Vice-President, but it paid dividends for her. The first son (Edward, the Prince of Wales), was supposed to move on up to King, but his heart was just not in it.

Now, everybody over here knew years earlier that he wasn’t interested in being promoted to King. But the only way to convince the Brits was to marry a common American gal, and become ineligible for the title. That left the Crown to his little brother George. He wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect either till Elizabeth stepped up, and like most strong wives she said, “George, you can do it. You wear the crown and I’ll be right beside you. No one expects you to make flowery speeches, and you don’t have to cut down a cherry tree.” So George VI took over in 1936, and when he died in 1952 their young daughter, also named Elizabeth, became Queen.

Looking back on it, England knows they would have been just as well off if, when George passed on, they would have said, “Elizabeth, why don’t you take over as Queen. We know it is unusual here, but in the Colonies they do the same thing whenever a Senator dies.” She would have made a great one.

Maryland won the college basketball championship. Connecticut won it on the women’s side, and they are both deserving. Oklahoma had their chances on both sides, but will have to wait another year.

About all you hear on the news today is Israel and Arafat. They’re both fighting with whatever weapons they can get their hands on: Israel uses tanks, and Arafat uses kids.

Brother, I sure don’t have any solution to offer. Any plan I have put forth previously has not won approval at any level. When Koffi Annan of the United Nations is pessimistic for peace, and Dan Rather is pessimistic for peace, you know you’ve got an impossible situation.

Both sides, and almost the whole world, are saying the United States should get tangled up in this mess. Folks in the past have said our President is not very smart, but you just watch. George W (no relation to George V) knows a trap when he sees one. He ain’t going near that rat hole. The Pope condemned the killing, but he did it from a suburb of Rome. George W has strong words for both sides but he said it from Texas, which is even farther away than the Pope.

This argument has been going on for a thousand years, so a few more months, or even years, won’t matter much. Too many folks over there that don’t want peace. Ken McFarland used to say, “Rehabilitation don’t always work. You can’t Rehabilitate someone who was never Habilitated in the first place.”

Here at home, the battle over Evolution in Science class has abandoned Kansas and is looking for a home in Ohio. Instead of Creation, they call it Intelligent Design. This argument may last as long as the one in the Middle East.

This is April Fools Day. Too bad we can’t limit our Foolishness to one day a year.

Historic Quotes by Will Rogers: (on Edward, Prince of Wales)

“But just between you and I, Calvin, he don’t care any more about being King than you would about going back to Vice President again. But he would be a great old King.” Saturday Evening Post, May 20, 1926

“Even such a Dignitary as the Prince of Wales, after being refreshed from an Oklahoma recipe from the private still of Joshua Cosden, went back home and told George and Mary ‘to pick ’em out another boy, that the King business didn’t interest him in the least.’ “How to be Funny”, American Magazine, May 1930

COLUMBUS: The Academy Awards was last night. Well, they started last night, but nothing much happened till just before breakfast this morning. If Hollywood movies developed that slow, nobody would be there to watch ’em but the ushers.

Whoopi Goldberg was MC, but she didn’t just walk out on the stage like an MC usually does. No, she dropped out of the sky, over the audience, on kind of a swing. All the other ladies were wearing fancy gowns, trying to look their best. But she wore an outfit that made her look more like a plucked chicken. Except she still had her tail feathers. Can you imagine Bob Hope or Billy Crystal with tail feathers?

ABC broadcast the show. If it had been on NBC, they would have done it like the Olympics and shown it on tape delay. Giving us less suspense, but more sleep. And Whoopi would have swooped in as a peacock.

There was so much talk about the Oscars all over television, radio, and newspapers, most of us have spent more time hearing about the movies than we spent watching them.

The awards show is mainly for the women anyway. The men are all watching basketball. The NCAA narrowed the field down to four teams: Oklahoma, Maryland, Kansas and Indiana. So pick your favorite state. I’ve got Oklahoma.

We’ll find out next Monday night who wins. CBS says it’ll be over by midnight because they don’t stop a game for acceptance speeches. They only stop for commercials.

These past few weeks I’ve been ignoring Washington, and look what happened. They put high tariffs on everything, from steel to wood to sugar. I had read where steel studs were ready to take on the old reliable pine 2×4. But tariffs have raised the price of both so high the old home builder can’t afford either one.

Candy manufacturers are closing down and moving to Mexico where sugar is half price. Sugar is so high here… can you believe it?… you can afford to make it out of corn. If Congress doubled the tariff again, you could probably make it out of sawdust.

So, timber cutters, write your Congressman, and stop worrying about Canadian studs. Bet on Oak Sweetener, that’s where your future lies.

Congress passed their Election Reform bill. My reform idea from last week didn’t get very far. I was too late. If I had been a week or two earlier, it could have picked up a few votes.

If you don’t understand where the benefits lie in this Reform package, just wait, the lawyers and accountants will figure it out and let you know where to send your campaign contributions.

You just watch, there’ll be more money spent in the next Presidential election than ever before. According to the bill, they can spend just as much, but they have to spend it sooner. And, as usual, the ones with the most dough will win 90% of the time.

I read today where the Indian tribes will be big contributors because the government can’t limit the amount they give. That news will thrill the poor old Indian, till he realizes he don’t have any money to give.

Speaking of Indians, West Virginia is going to stop teaching Indian history at 4-H camps the way they’ve been doing for 80 years. Think of the number of young people who learned about the heritage of the tribes that inhabited West Virginia years ago: the Senecas, Mingos, Delawares, and of course, Cherokees. I think West Virginia got it backwards. Instead of them stopping, the other 49 ought to start.

 

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on tariffs)

“(Congress is) still doing a little light work on the tariff, each member according to the needs of his own State. Being 48 States that makes 48 versions of the tariff. In fact, 49, as the North and South of California both raise different stuff. The tariff is an instrument invented for the benefit of those who make, to be used against those who buy. As there is more buys than there is makes, it is a document of the minority. But what a minority.” DT #912, June 28, 1929

 

“Mr. (Henry) Ford issued a statement last week that this new tariff bill if passed will be the worse thing in the world for all of us. You see a lot of manufacturing establishments try to cover up their own business ability by having the Government protect them against somebody that handles their business better than they do. They can always holler ‘Cheap labor!’ But the cost of transportation to this country more than makes up for that. So every little Industry that can’t make a big profit hollers for protection. We won’t see the real effects of this till we have all these other Countries passing restrictive tariffs against us. You can’t stop the other fellow from shipping his goods to us without him doing something to get even.
Some of the smartest and most conscientious men in our National life have been divided on the tariff question. It’s not all Politics, a lot of it is a matter of real opinion, based on a long study.
Arguing tariff is sorter like arguing religion. There just ain’t any answer. If a business thrives under a protective tariff, that don’t mean that it has been a good thing. It may have thrived because it made the people of America pay more for the object than they should have, so a few have got rich at the cost of the many. There is never any way of estimating the damage done by a tariff.” WA #388, June 1, 1930

“Senator Reed Smoot interrupted President Hoover’s vacation with a plea to please help the sugar industry. There is 120,000,000 of us eat it, and exactly 1,231 that raise it. But Reed has dedicated his entire political career to make sugar not only sweet but dear to the 120,000,000.” DT #943, Aug. 4, 1929

“My old friends (in Congress) Pat Harrison and Bob La Follette was investigating sugar. We have more arguments over sugar than we do over all the things combined that sugar goes on, or in. Pat was kinder protecting Mississippi. They got a kind of kaffir corn that renders out a thing they think is sorter sweet.” DT #2359, Feb. 23, 1934

 

IRELAND, WV: Can you imagine being in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day? Around here, one day ain’t enough, so these folks celebrate an Irish Spring Festival all week.

My turn on the agenda came three nights ago when I followed the candidates for King and Queen to the stage. They were asked to give a campaign speech, but because you had to be over 60 to get nominated, they didn’t say much. They all figured folks in these parts knew everything about ’em already. In fact two of the six said they were roped into running, and one didn’t show up at all. You could tell they were all deserving and had a long record of service to the community.

There is something about the way these folks get elected that is worth sharing with the world. See, they are elected by dollar contributions, a penny a vote.

There’s no novelty to the concept, in fact it’s kinda like we elect most folks in this country. Whoever collects the most, wins.

Here in Ireland all the proceeds, every penny collected, is put to good use: the upkeep of the old community building. (It used to be the grade school for this end of the county, but somebody figured the students would be smarter if they spent an extra hour a day on a bus.)

Now just suppose we did the same in all of our elections. Imagine the good it would do. Whatever a candidate for President or Congress collects… 50 million, or 100 million, or 200 million…. it would all go into the U.S. Treasury to pay off the National debt. For Governors and Legislators, all the money would go into their own state Treasuries. Same way for all the city and local elections. No more throwing away campaign money on television ads and political consultants.

This way, whoever collects the most is automatically elected, without going through the pretense and expense of an election.

Out of the money collected, the national candidates would get a small weekly allowance, just enough to hire a bus to take them around the country, like John Madden to football games. The in-state candidates would get a pickup truck, like Janet Reno.

What if there’s a tie, like Florida, and everyone collects the same amount?

Well, do what they do in a basketball game, go into overtime. Add another week to the campaign. That would raise even more money for a good cause. It’s not likely you would have another tie, but if you did, a second overtime week couldn’t hurt. This way you keep the Supreme Court out of it, and it’s all decided before deer season.

But, what about the poor person who can’t afford to contribute?

This is where Election Reform comes in. I would make one change, and I think I would have the unanimous support of John McCain and Ted Kennedy on this one. Let the poor, and the unemployed and anybody else, volunteer their time instead of dollars. But instead of working directly for the candidate, stuffing envelopes and making those annoying phone calls at supper time, they would work for a charity or other needy cause, including the government.

Every hour worked would count so many dollars for their candidate. That way, you make it a fair election. One candidate might collect a pile of dollars, but if the other guy can collect hundreds or thousands of hours of work, why you have yourself a real election campaign.

Now I don’t know if it’ll work nationally, but it sure went over here. If Congress adopts this Election Plan, there’s plenty of folks here in Ireland that can teach ’em how to run it. I hear that Sen. Daschle intends to adopt some kind of election reform plan this week, so why not pick one with a proven record.

Before I go on, I’ve got to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t want you to think I’m plum loco with what I’m about to admit to you. Yes, I was in Ireland Thursday, but I’m not in Ireland today. I’m in Berlin. It’s only twenty miles between Ireland and Berlin because this is West Virginia, not European geography.

Speaking of Europe, did you read about the study in England on gum chewing? It seems chewing gum improves your memory, makes you smarter. They say the key is the “repetitive chewing motion”, which may explain why the smartest animal in the barnyard is the cow. Since I’ve chewed gum all my life, and single-handed kept Mr. Wrigley in business, imagine how poor my grammar would be without it.

Riding a bus might be all right for these Ireland students after all, if they give ’em a stick of gum when they get on.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (plus an Irish fact…)

“Well, today is the seventeenth of Ireland. Of all the nationalities that have helped to root out the Indians over here, the Irish are the only ones that have made enough impression on everybody that we celebrate their birthday… When you are laying out your European trip this Spring, don’t overlook the old Emerald Isle. It’s got ’em all beat for beauty, romance, humor and hospitality.” DT #1450, March 17, 1931

“Ireland quieted down, just as I told you it would. You see, they found out in a war with each other that somebody got hurt, so why shoot each other for no good at all? So Ireland is going fine.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

Fact: Will Rogers’ great-grandfather, Robert Rogers, was an Irish-Scotchman. He came to what is now West Virginia around 1800 to trade with the Indians. He married Lucy Cordery who was half-blood Cherokee. They moved to Georgia, and had a son, Robert Rogers, Jr. in 1815. He grew up and married Sally Vann, a 3/8 Cherokee, in 1835, and Clem (Will’s father) was born in 1839. He married Mary America Schrimsher in 1859. They had 7 babies before Will came along in 1879. (Main source: Will Rogers: a Biography, by Ben Yogoda.)

BURLINGTON, Wisconsin: This is the home of the Burlington Liars Club, started in 1929 by a newspaper editor. Every year they pick a winner from all the lies folks mail to ’em from all over the world, and last year they got over two thousand letters. The winner was a lady who said her car was so old that when she registered it with the state, they gave her upper and lower plates.

They put the winning lies from each year on a brass plate, and they are bolted to the front of the various buildings downtown, along with the name of the person who submitted it. As I was walking around town reading all these award winning lies, I told the man who was showing me around, Dick Morris, “I don’t see any lies attributed to any governors or senators or mayors. Shouldn’t there be at least one winning entry from a LaFollette?” He said, “Oh no, we don’t allow politicians to submit lies for the contest. It’s open only to amateurs.”

I was speaking tonight at the Burlington Farm-City Night, a big affair of appreciation put on for 73 years by Kiwanis and all the local businesses. It was called “A Salute to the American Farmer”, and I told the farmers the way things are going in Congress on the Farm Bill, a Salute is maybe all they are going to get.

Well, these are fine folks, and we had a lot of fun this evening. The next time you sit down to a tasty meal, pause and thank a farmer, even if you don’t stop to salute him.

On my way here this morning I flew to Chicago on Southwest. Have you ever flew on that airline? If you haven’t you should, even if you have to go out of your way to do it.

I was sitting near the back of the plane reading the paper, and a flight attendant said to me, “Aren’t you Will Rogers?” He said, “We’d like for you to come up to the front and do some rope tricks for the passengers.”

Now, I had heard that Southwest is known for Positively Outrageous Service, and any ropin’ I might do for ’em would certainly fall in the category of Outrageous.

As I followed him up there, carrying my ropes, I got some concerned looks, so the first thing I did after he introduced me on the intercom was assure everybody I had no intention of lassoing the pilot. I told them I was headed to Burlington, Wisconsin, to speak at a banquet. But because of the town’s reputation, I wasn’t sure if the invitation was on the level.

Well, I spun a rope for the first class passengers for a minute or so… (by the way, do you know who sits in the first class section on Southwest? The ones who arrive three hours early) Before I went to the back to put on a second show, I apologized to ’em, because normally for a passenger to be annoyed with live entertainment you have to be booked on a cruise ship.

So when you fly Southwest, you’ve got to be prepared for almost anything, except for arriving late. (Since they are paying me the same for that little plug as they did for the rope spinnin’, it don’t even qualify as a commercial.)

Did you read about McDonald’s settling a lawsuit over French Fries? It seems the vegetarians found a tiny bit of beef fat in with their Fries, so they made McDonald’s give twelve million dollars to “vegetarian supported charities”. Now you may be wondering, exactly what kind of charity would a vegetarian support? Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rutabagas? Save our Daffodils? Potatoes for Ethical Treatment of Anchovies?

First, remember you’ve got a company here that can stretch a pound of meat into dozens of burgers. Can you imagine how many tons of fries it takes to soak up a pound of their beef tallow? For one serving of fries… well I bet you would get more animal by-products on you petting a dog.

Besides, if you’re a vegetarian for religious reasons, would you want to be seen eating at a hamburger joint?

If you’re a vegetarian for nutritional reasons, are you going to order bean sprouts, succotash, and a bottle of spring water, and then say “and give me some french fries… and super size it.”?

Vegetarians are wonderful folks, and I suggest they eat at Olive Garden so the rest of us can eat our French Fries the way we like ’em… beefy.

Did you see where, after Vice-President Cheney has spent the last six months holed up in an undisclosed location for national security reasons, the government announced he will be making a 12-nation tour of the Middle East. Including Israel.

If I were Dick Cheney, I think I would call up Mr. Rumsfeld, and say, “How about loaning me one of your Stealth planes. I’ll just fly over all 12 of ’em in one afternoon, and get back to my hideout.”

The college basketball pairings were announced Sunday. They got most of ’em right. Except for Gonzaga. Some of you might remember last year, after they kept winning so far through the tournament, I said the NCAA should go ahead and write ’em in as a #4 seed for this year, because they always win so many tournament games. But really, I was wrong… they deserved a #3, but got pushed down to 6. So all you teams in line to play ’em, watch out. Gonzaga is on a mission.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am here tonight as kind of a peace offering. I have told a lot of jokes about these eating outfits, service clubs, or whatever you want to call them because I could not see much sense in them… But they were beneficial to the hotels because they got rid of a lot of bad food…. But now you have reformed and you are going along all right. I know from personal experience that you are getting along fine and doing something worth while. That is about all I can think of to say that would be any good for you.” Speech to Kiwanis International Convention in Los Angeles, June, 1933.

“A child born in Wisconsin is taught two things. One is to love LaFollette, and the other is to hate Minnesota.” Life Magazine, December 7, 1922

“Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty_seven don’t.” DT #577, June 1,1928