Category: Uncategorized

COLUMBUS: Congress adjourned last week. They couldn’t agree on which way to steer the economy. Instead, they decided to let the shoppers do the driving. They drove it all right… right into a snow bank.

All the stores claim sales were down several dollars. See, that’s the problem, measuring sales in dollars. There was just as many goods sold as ever, but people didn’t pay as much. This was a K-Mart Christmas, not Bloomingdales.

Wait till spring. That old snow bank will melt and the economy will get back in high gear again, that is if we can keep Congress from interfering.

Mayor Rudy Giuliani was selected as Person of the Year by Time magazine. Nobody could disagree with the choice, except for a few newsmen who thought it was bin Laden.

Time started this tradition in 1927 with Charles Lindbergh. They picked Owen D. Young in ’29, Gandhi of India in ’30, Franklin Roosevelt in ’32 and again in ’34, and in between the honor in ’33 went to Hugh Johnson of the NRA (that’s National Recovery Administration).

Who do you suppose they’ll pick in 2002? Could be Rumsfeld. Maybe even Daschle.

The weather finally turned cold here. Snow arrived, but a day late for Christmas. Only complaint folks had is they wanted the snow on the fields and hills, but not on the roads. Buffalo can handle two feet with minor difficulty; but in Columbus its chaos with a half inch. Florida can start looking for a tourist invasion any day now.

It was a lovely Christmas, even without snow. The family was mighty generous with the presents. I got only one tie, and it fit.

Notre Dame is still without a football coach. They are praying for the resurrection of Rockne. None of the big coaches wants to move to South Bend, so they are running out of options. Maybe Rudy would take it. He brought New York back from disaster, he could do the same for the Irish.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.” DT #1038, Nov. 22, 1929

“I have read New Year predictions till I am blue in the face about the great future…, but I have yet to see one word on what 1930 holds in store for the Democrats. And that’s the very thing that makes me believe us Democrats may get a break in the coming year. I base my faith on the fact that 98 per cent of all predictions are wrong, and on the fact that it’s an off year in politics and all off years are Democratic years.” DT #1071, Dec. 31, 1929

MORGANTOWN, West Va.: All I know is what I read in the paper. A professor in chemical engineering at West Virginia University has found a way to run a diesel engine on chicken manure.

Now you don’t just shovel it into the tank, you have to turn it into a liquid first, then mix it with about two-thirds diesel fuel. Even the professor ain’t quite sure why it works, but it does.

These chicken experts are amazing. First they found a market for chicken feet, gizzards and wings… and now, manure. Corn farmers have spent millions of dollars and many years building a market for ethanol fuel, devoting their best corn to the cause, and now along comes these chicken folks who make theirs from something they otherwise can’t give away for free.

This new “chicken diesel” is going to solve a problem for truckers who park their rigs in front of the house overnight. Those ornery neighbor boys that you have been suspicious of… well, they won’t siphon your tank again but once. That’ll cure ’em.

Senator Jay Rockefeller announced that he is donating $15 million to build an Alzheimer’s Center in memory of his mother. That’s his money he’s giving, not yours… a rare occurrence for a politician, and almost unheard of for a Senator. This is a fine example of what Kip Kiplinger wrote about last week in Washington. While bin Ladin uses his personal wealth to do evil, in this country we’ve got fine folks like Henry Ford, Andrew Carnegie, and the Senator’s great-grandfather who contributed vast fortunes to great and wonderful causes, to build lives, not destroy them. And as Kip says, Americans of all economic persuasion, rich and poor, still share this spirit of generosity.

Well, bin Ladin is still hiding from us. If he’s in one of those caves maybe Mr. Rumsfield will send in some spelunkers and coal miners to find him and dig him out. You know, if he is human… and there hasn’t been any evidence of that lately…, instead of the caves of Tora Bora, I bet there are times when he wishes he had gone to the beaches of Bora Bora. Even if he never looked at the pretty girls stretched out on the sand, the scenery would beat whatever he’s surrounded by tonight.

You probably heard about the football game in Cleveland this afternoon. It was kind of a dull game for the home crowd till less than a minute to go. But it ended like some of those soccer games we hear about in Europe. It’s no surprise that some of those football fans got mad enough to throw hundreds of beer bottles on the field near the end of the game. The surprise was that not all of ’em were empty.

I’m going to ask you to do a favor for all my friends in the cattle business, eat a steak for Christmas. You can still have a turkey or ham on Christmas Day if tradition demands it, but sometime during the holidays, buy a few pounds of T-bones and sirloins and give the family a real treat. With gas below a dollar, you’re saving so much on the automobile these days you’ve got plenty of dough for a special meal or two.

Historic Quote from Will Rogers:

“Europe don’t like us and they think we’re arrogant, and bad manners, and have a million faults, but every one of them, well, they give us credit for being liberal (meaning “generous”). Doggone it, people are liberal. Americans… I do know that America is fundamentally liberal.” Radio broadcast, October 18, 1931

Note:  Be sure to read the Historic Quote at the end… although Will wrote this in 1925, it will remind all Americans of September 11, 2001, and December 7, 1941.

PLAIN CITY, Ohio: As I was driving here for a meeting this morning, at ten minutes till nine, on the radio they played “The Star Spangled Banner”. That was a fitting tribute in remembrance of the attack on Sept. 11. They played it everywhere across the country at the same time… in California it was ten till six… and around the world, every country played their own national anthem. The way they pulled that off, imagine what other important things we could perhaps accomplish in harmony around the globe.

I’m out here in Amish country for a farm meeting. Actually there was two of ’em at the same restaurant, and the audience for both were pleased to hear I was there to listen, and not to annoy. It was a refreshing change of pace for me, too, because you learn more when you’re listening.

In one room they had 200 conservation farmers learning how to grow crops more efficiently, with less cost and less erosion. Next door, about 50 members of the Farmers Union organization were discussing how best to protect and reward the family farmer and their local communities.

In both groups, (as with farm meetings all across the country this winter) they were working on providing a bountiful supply of food for the rest of us.

Of course they are all concerned about the Farm Bill debate in Congress, especially if they’re from a state without a Senator on the Ag Committee. Even that is no guarantee of prosperity.

You may have read in the paper where you can get on the internet and find out which farmers got farm payments from the government, and how much they have received. Well, it’s true, and a lot of farmers don’t like it. Now you can argue over whether it’s right or wrong, but the fact is we spend more for dog food in this country than we spend on this supplemental income to help our farmers stay in business.

I propose that if you show how much he got from Washington, they should also tell how much the farm produces. You know, list the pounds of grain, meat, milk, cotton, wool, potatoes, peanuts, fruit, and whatever… that way you can get a better idea if he deserves it, and you would know who to thank for the food in grocery stores and restaurants.

If you’re still disturbed about these payments, you could suggest those folks getting the big checks from the govt stop producing food for a year.

Walt Disney was born 100 years ago, December 5 (just one year before Strom Thurmond). You can bet the people at Disney World will be celebrating it all year. If this warm weather ever cools off here, a number of folks from the Midwest may go down to Florida to join in the fun.

And December 7 was an anniversary for the attack on Pearl Harbor. We’re hearing a lot about heros, and that day, and every day for four years after, spawned a whole generation of ’em. We’ve got to remember the fellows that fought in World War I. They were as heroic as the ones in WWII, it just didn’t take ’em near as long to win.

In Afghanistan Osama bin Ladin has been spotted riding a horse between caves. You may wonder with all those men wearing robes, how do they know it was him. When you’re 6′ 4″ and sit in the saddle as tall as John Wayne, it’s hard to hide. I just hope one of our sharpshooters can get close enough to pick him off without harming the horse.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Heroing is one of the shortest lifed profession there is.

…And Policemen here in New York, where the impression of some out-of-town people seems to be that nobody in New York cares for anybody else! There is not a day that you don’t read of the wonderful things performed by them and the firemen to save human life. I tell you it does your heart good to read these things, even if we haven’t got the nerve to be in on it ourselves. We can at least admire it, and be proud that we have men like these, and thousands of women, if the opportunity presents itself.”

… the tough part about a hero. He has to eat. We take care of them with too much newspaper space and not enough permanent endowment. We have great fellows back from the war that can show you two medals for every sack of flour they have in the house. They got a foreign decoration for every American dollar they have.” WA #114, February 22,1925

LOUISVILLE: If you thought the Kentucky Derby was the only big shindig held in this river town, followed by 51 weeks of solitude and quiet reflection over a mint julep, you’re in for a surprise. Why, just in the last month the FFA held a convention here of 45,000 of America’s brightest, down-to-earth high school youngsters, Colin Powell stopped by for a speech, and this week the Kentucky Farm Bureau and Automobile Dealers are convening.

Mark Victor Hanson is here speaking to the Dealers and I’m speaking to the Farmers. They’re meeting in the same hotel, and we’re trying to keep ’em separated. The farmer can’t even afford a bicycle, so he don’t need the temptation of zero interest on a new pickup.

This morning at breakfast I had a unique honor… I filled in for a Senator. Yes, Mitch McConnell was planning to be here, but Congress is still in session so he stayed in Washington. (This morning they were debating Election Reform. That’ll take a while to resolve, at least twenty years.)

I may be able to match him on the humor, but compared to a Senator, I’m sorely handicapped in my ability to inspire and motivate. I don’t have the same access to the US Treasury that he does.

Since he couldn’t be here in person, he announced earlier that he got $5 million for the College of Agriculture, for ’em to do more grand and glorious things to help the farmer. The University will use some of that money to find a crop the farmers can grow instead of burley tobacco. It ain’t easy locating one with the same income, and is legal.

Five million is a lot of money. But, you know something… if that Senator Jeffords up in Vermont hadn’t switched sides last May, he could have got ’em ten.

In Afghanistan they switch sides in the middle of the battle, here they do it in the middle of the Senate chambers

Tomorrow is a big day in the Senate. Strom Thurmond turns 99. It’s probably a state holiday in South Carolina. The Senate will bake a cake for him. With 99 candles, each of the other Senators can keep one as a souvenir. They won’t ask him to blow ’em all out, the risk would be too great. Not of a heart attack, but rather of triggering the smoke alarm. Congress don’t need another excuse to vacate the Capitol.

You know, Mark Victor Hanson and his partner Jack Canfield are responsible for more books than anyone, except for that woman over in England. They’ve written a Chicken Soup book for almost every conceivable audience, from English-speaking taxicab drivers to substitute school teachers. But there’s one I haven’t seen yet…Chicken Soup for the Poor Farmer’s Soul. The poor farmer don’t have a soul… well, he’s got one, but it’s mortgaged.

I forgot to ask Mark what he was planning to talk on today. He’ll probably try to persuade ’em to include a Chicken Soup book in every glove compartment.

No, there’ll be no cracks from me about Used Car Salesmen’s souls.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I have seen today some of the most beautiful stock farms in America. I don’t think there is another place in this country quite like the blue grass region around Lexington. These old guys here, with their fine horses that we read about every Summer in all the big races, they got some great horses here. And they know how to scramble a bran mash for a horse, and a corn mash for a human that just about excels any hospitality in America.” DT #140, Jan. 15, 1927

COLUMBUS: This war is getting more peculiar by the day. These Afghanis are unusual soldiers. We can’t understand ’em. They fight hard for their side, sometimes for years, but if they see they are losing, they switch.

They say, “Yes, I know I was shooting at you five minutes ago, but you fellows ain’t so bad. If it’s alright, I’ll join up with you boys and help you wipe out those no-good scoundrels.”

We ain’t seen nothing like it, except maybe among football fans. You’ve seen ’em. They like their team while they’re winning, but let ’em lose a few games, and by golly they start cheering for another team. Except in Oklahoma. The Cowboys from Stillwater knocked the Sooners out of the race last weekend, but don’t look for any Oklahoma fans to trade a schooner for a saddle.

The Marines are now in Afghanistan and the diplomats are meeting in Germany. That’s a sure sign of war. If you didn’t have a war before, either the Marines or the diplomats will dig one up for you.

The United Nations brought together a man from each of the various warring tribes to sit around a big table. All except the Taliban, which didn’t have a man to spare.

They were looking for a quiet, peaceful site for the meeting and, of course, picked Germany which is known for its long history of peace… ranking right up there with Afghanistan.

America’s role at the meeting is to teach them about politics, and serve as Treasurer. The first official vote will be on the motion, “There shall be everlasting peace in Afghanistan”. We will find out how quickly they learn politics, because each Yes vote will cost about a Billion dollars. To be paid, naturally, by the treasurer. The everlasting peace will last as long as the money lasts.

Other than football, the big news in Oklahoma has been Phillips Petroleum, located in the metropolis of Bartlesville, buying Conoco, with its big refinery a few miles away at Ponca city, the cultural capital of the middle west. The shock came when they announced the headquarters would be moved lock, stock and barrel to Houston. Naturally folks figured they would expand right there at home, right where Waite Phillips got his start. And near where Lew Wentz and Mr. Marland made their millions with Conoco.

Now, there’s nothing particularly wrong with Houston. All the other big oil companies are there. George and Barbara Bush live there. Except in summer when they move to Maine. Summers in Houston last about six months, and in Maine about six weeks, so each spring and fall they make a long, slow drive between ’em.

These Phillips folks won’t get to leave Houston. They’ll have to sweat it out. But as long as they sell us gas at a dollar a gallon, we won’t care where they move, even to Norway.

This past holiday weekend the government was disappointed in us. They claim our shoppers did not spend enough at the malls. Lord knows they tried. They bought just as much as last year, but didn’t spend as much.

See, for example, instead of paying $300 for a winter coat at Macy’s or Marshall Field’s they bought a coat just as warm at Wal-mart for a hundred fifty. These 100 million women swore an oath to support the economy, but they can’t pass up a half-off sale.

Did you read in the papers about Utah’s Governor? He wanted the Census to count all their Mormon missionaries around the world and add a Congressman. There’s thousands of them and they do a wonderful service for the Lord wherever they are (that’s missionaries, not Congressmen), and just think of the service they are providing Utah. By staying away from home it saves them the expense of supporting an extra Congressman.

According to the Census Bureau, North Carolina gets the extra Representative because they have 856 more people per Congressman than Utah. Now that’s what really upset the governor. If the Census had given him a few months warning, why Brigham Young and his seventeen wives and all their descendants could have made up the shortfall.

At least Utah finally got snow. In the Winter Olympics they won’t have to roller blade down those mountains after all.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“…Oklahoma, the Eden on this earth till something better turns up. I was privileged to prowl its vast domains, view its miraculous achievements, wonder at its unprecedented growth, mingle with its unmatched intellects. In other words it was just one round of a never to be forgotten experience. You just know when you cross the line into it there is something that tells you you are in another world.” WA #204, November 7, 1926

“It’s great to be friendly with a Foreign Nation, but it’s terribly expensive. If the worst comes to the worst and we do have to be friends with any of ’em, why, (let’s) pick out little ones that haven’t got the nerve to ask for much.” Saturday Evening Post, February 27, 1932

“Nobody knows anything about any Country, not even his own. The smartest Statesmen are the worst fooled when anything comes up right quick. I think a Country is harder to understand than a woman.” WA # 418, December 28, 1930

CLEVELAND: I’ve been out wandering around the countryside the last week or so, and today I ended up here on the shores of Lake Erie. The sun is shining and it’s mighty warm for November.

Everyone is smiling, not because of the sunshine, but because the Cleveland Browns beat the Ravens in Baltimore. It was their second win this season over Art Modell’s Super Bowl champs.

The entire month has been nothing but sunshine and warm weather in this part of the Midwest. Folks hardly know how to act without the usual clouds and cold rains. This November sunshine is quite a blow. Many football fans wore shorts to the college games yesterday and missed the opening kickoff applying sunscreen.

Farm meetings have kept me on the move recently. I’ve been hitting the small towns: Edon, Elliston and West Alexandria in Ohio, and Flatwoods in West Virginia. You know, farmers are never thrilled about getting dressed up to go to a meeting, especially if there’s still grain to be harvested. But if they’ve got to, they prefer going where they’ll get a good meal in a friendly setting, and where there’s no stop lights, one way streets, or parking meters. The local school gymnasium or church rec hall or country inn suits ’em fine… anywhere that’ll seat five or six hundred. When you add some patriotic songs by a school choir and door prizes from local businesses, the jokes by an out-of-town speaker are generally well received. It sure helps when the election is past, and the political speeches are limited to “Thanks for your support.”

In Afganistan, this war is moving so fast Secretary of State Colin Powell is getting concerned. After the Taliban is run off, he doesn’t want to trade one minority rule for a different minority rule. Well, I got a suggestion for him, turn the whole country over to the women. They make up at least half the population, maybe more since the men been killing each other off for hundreds of years.

Now I would never make a such a serious suggestion to our diplomats without running it by a few people first. So I mentioned it in my talk to the men and women at Elliston, and I can assure Gen. Powell that it received wholehearted and rousing support, from half of them.

P.S. In case some of you football fans were wondering… it is true, I never met Art Modell. I never met Steve Spurrier either. Both of these men have been successful in football, so I doubt I would have much to lose by accepting an invitation from either of them.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Farmers spend more time at Conventions than they do plowing.”
“(President Coolidge) says, “There is lots of people worse off than the Farmers.” I don’t know how anybody could be worse off than the farmer, unless it’s the fellow who holds the Mortgages on the Farms.” WA #158, Dec. 20, 1925

COLUMBUS: Yesterday was Veteran’s Day. The parades and programs had more meaning than usual. I heard one fellow say, this year we’re all veterans. I wouldn’t go that far, but we certainly feel closer to those that are.

In Oklahoma, the Legislature has ruffled a few feathers. They have proposed to pay chicken farmers in eastern Oklahoma $5/ ton to haul their poultry manure to western Oklahoma. Folks in the western part of the state appear to be experiencing a severe shortage of this organic fertilizer, so they are in a receptive mood, although what they really need is more rain. And considering the low price they are receiving for breast meat and legs and eggs, the chicken ranchers in the east can always use an extra five dollars.

But the big yell is going to come from the folks living in central Oklahoma. You just wait till next summer when it’s a hundred degrees and truck caravans loaded with this compost are passing by their front porch, heading west. The fumes will cut short more afternoon picnics than the heat.

I think a better idea might be, instead of hauling the manure, to haul the chickens. Then you only have to make one trip.

If it’s manure the Legislature wants hauled, maybe they should offer the farmers $10/ton, providing they truck it the other direction, to Missouri. Of course Missouri may not want it. They may say, we’ve already got more than we can handle from Arkansas.

The election results are in. John Howard won Australia again. And in the latest recount, Bush won Florida.

Historic quote from Will Rogers (on Armistice Day, now called Veterans Day):

“This day that I am writing this is no doubt the greatest day in all the world history. Armistice Day, when you think that a half dozen men could sit down and casually sign a pact to stop millions of men from killing each other. But if they don’t stop these guys making these speeches over the radio on Armistice Day, why we are liable to have the same war over again, only worse.

If Armistice Day had stopped speeches, it would have done more good than to have stopped war, for speeches is what starts the next war. It’s not armament, it’s oratory that’s wrong with this country.” DT #1028, Nov. 11, 1929

 

CLAREMORE, Okla.: Claremore never looked better. Business is booming, folks are happy, and the suburbs are growing (including Tulsa).

You may remember a year ago I told you about the big parade down Will Rogers Blvd. Well, it was kinda cramped at only 5 lanes wide, so they added 5 more. The expansion is appreciated, not only by the marching bands and float builders, but by all the folks who have bought so many new automobiles at zero interest.

These new car owners figured they had an unbeatable bargain of historical proportions. But it looks like Mr. Greenspan will cut interest rates another half percent, so they are lining up to refinance.

These folks put on a wonderful birthday celebration again this year. After 122 of ’em, they are well practiced. I wrote a young niece in Tampa last week to ask if she was coming to the party. She wrote back, “No, I’m waiting for your 125^th birthday.” Well, I kinda wish she had come this year, but I appreciate her confidence and optimism in my endurance.

The whole celebration started off at the ranch at Oologah yesterday morning. It was raining, so they moved everybody inside the barn. And because it rained, the electricity went off. We were in the dark, except for one window. Nobody could locate any kerosene lanterns.

No one complained because they needed rain more than they needed electricity (or even another birthday celebration). The Oologah school children sang for us. One little girl sang “America The Beautiful” in Cherokee, and, Lord, it never sounded better.

The grand marshal of the parade this afternoon was the talented actor, James Whitmore. He’s starred in so many good movies he has his own section at Blockbuster. And you can see him on television selling that Miracle Gro fertilizer. (In case you had not heard, he has ‘retired’ from doing his renowned one-man show portraying a gum-chewing Oklahoma cowboy humorist.) Toward the back, I just walked along greeting folks sitting on the curbs. The parade is about two miles long, but going back and forth across those 10 lanes, I felt like I walked a marathon. Sometimes I would hop on the running board of Gene Pyeatt’s Ford. Last year he drove a 1921 Ford, but this year he brought his newer car. A 1925 model.

Did you watch the World Series? One of the most exciting ever. First time it was played in November, and, just think, to have Game 7 on ‘my’ birthday. The Yankees did their best to win it for New York, but those Arizona boys know how to pitch. And hit. If Mayor Giuliani invites them they’ll be honored to fly up from Phoenix to help out the city. Same as the Yankees would if they had won.

P.S.: If you want to improve airport security, the lady who checked me through Tulsa would be a good one to put in charge of the training. She could straighten out O’Hare single-handed by noon, and Boston by supper time.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“This is Claremore, Okla., a town in physique but a city at heart.” DT #272, June 5, 1927

“See where a lot of cities are kicking on their census, blaming the government because they haven’t got more people. Claremore, Okla., come through with a 254 gain. That’s not per cent, that’s people. Folks make towns, not numbers. If Cleveland, Ohio, keeps dropping they will lose their postoffice and county seat.” DT #1184, May 12, 1930

COLUMBUS: The World Series starts tomorrow night, and you’ll get to see it. Rudy’s Yankees rose to the occasion and got in there, so Mr. Murdock has figured he has nothing to lose by showing it on Fox. That new team in Arizona is ready for ’em.

This anthrax bacteria has got some folks worried about opening their U.S. mail. Three people have died, and two of them worked for the Post Office, so just carrying the mail seems twice as dangerous as opening it. I hope they catch the fellows responsible for this anthrax and give ’em a dose of their own mail, without the antidote.

Meanwhile, stop worrying about anthrax. Just shove it out of your mind. If you can avoid opening mail while crossing a busy street, or while driving on the highway, or while blow drying your hair in the hot tub, you’re more likely to die of stress brought on by the worrying.

Farmers in our middle west are moving right along with harvesting soybeans and corn. I hear from Iowa that crop yields are surprisingly good, but the price is so low it’s hardly worth hauling to town. Now you might be wondering, if this grain don’t get to town, how are the rest of us going to eat? Are they going to let us starve?

See, now that might be something to worry about. Except for one thing. Farmers never let disgustingly worthless prices stop delivery of the goods in the past, so they won’t start now. The government payments will help the farmers, at least those that get ’em.

In Washington Dr. Bernadine Healy announced she will step down as head of the Red Cross in December. She says after two years it’s time to pull the old needle out of her arm and turn the whole situation over to, well, to some new blood. Off hand I don’t know any doctors ready to take on this huge operation, but I can think of one man imminently qualified. And he’ll be out of work on January 1. That’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani. If he can figure a way to run the Red Cross from a box seat behind third base in Yankee Stadium, he’ll accept.

Next weekend I’ll be back in Claremore and Oologah for a birthday party and a big parade. You may remember last year, I got to ride in Gene Pyeatt’s 1921 Model T Ford truck. And I was looking forward to it again. But Gene told me he drove it over to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, and the crankshaft broke. Well, with old Uncle Henry spending all his time fixing flat Firestone tires and replacing ignition systems, he don’t have time to recall Model T crankshafts. Gene told me he can probably come up with another vehicle. If not, maybe I can get a loaner saddle horse.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:
“My idea of the height of conceit would be a political speaker that would go on the air when that World Series is on.” DT #683, Oct.3, 1928

“(The Yankees) offered Babe Ruth the same salary that (President) Hoover gets. Babe claims he should have more. He can’t appoint a commission to go up and knock the home runs. He has to do it all himself.” DT # 1078, Jan. 8, 1930

WAVERLY, Ohio: Anthrax is scaring folks in New York and Washington and Florida. Ten or so have got sick. One died, but the others are fine. Thousands across the country are afraid to get on an airplane. Automobile accidents have claimed a thousand, but nobody has parked their car. Anthrax got the House of Representatives so worried they are all went home till Tuesday. It’s been said that this sets a bad example, but it’s mainly the lobbyists doing the complaining. When you get 435 Congressmen all scattered in 435 different places around the country, it’s hard to twist arms of more than two or three a day. Not only does it knock the lobbyist out power, if Congress ain’t meeting, they can’t add on any new taxes.

Speaking of taxes, Ohio’s governor says they’re not collecting enough, so Ohio has got to cut back. To save money he says he will close three prisons. It was a difficult decision, whether to close three prisons or three universities.

See, if you shut down a university, you got to deal with alumni and football boosters, not to mention parents who don’t want their son or daughter released before their four years is served to completion. Then in the next election, they all vote against you.When you close a prison, you know the inmates will be in favor of it. The guards can walk out of the prison and right into higher paying airport security posts. The taxpayers like it because a prisoner costs more than a college student. If this idea works, he may close another three next year.

Down here in Waverly, they don’t have a prison or a university, or even a junior college. But they’ve got trees and timber and saw mills. And they have a factory called Mill’s Pride. It’s so big it uses half the white oak in three states to make kitchen cabinets and put-it-together-yourself furniture. That’s a good name for it, Mill’s Pride, because the workers take Pride in their products. Next time you’re in a Home Depot, you may not see their name, but you can’t miss their products.

The President said it’s our civic duty to shop and spend, to keep the economy growing. Alan Greenspan says he doesn’t think it will work, but there’s a hundred million women willing to make the sacrifice and prove him wrong. (And a few men, too.) Columbus has opened two new malls to
accommodate their patriotism. After you half empty your bank account at Saks and Sears and Marshall Fields (even though your closets are full), on the way home you can buy one of those oak storage cabinets.

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:
“The Ohio convicts are serving pretty tough sentences. First they burn ’em up, now they shoot ’em while they sleep. About the only calamity left to ’em outside of somebody poisoning their well, will be the Ohio Legislature will investigate them.” DT #1182, May 9, 1930

(In Holland) “Forests are the most beautiful forests, all out in rows. Every time they cut down a tree it looks like they planted two in its place. Every time we cut one down, the fellow that cuts it down sets down to have a smoke and celebrate. He throws his cigarette away and burns up the rest of the forest.” (From Will’s book, “There’s Not a Bathing Suit in Russia”)