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IRELAND, WV: Can you imagine being in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day? Around here, one day ain’t enough, so these folks celebrate an Irish Spring Festival all week.

My turn on the agenda came three nights ago when I followed the candidates for King and Queen to the stage. They were asked to give a campaign speech, but because you had to be over 60 to get nominated, they didn’t say much. They all figured folks in these parts knew everything about ’em already. In fact two of the six said they were roped into running, and one didn’t show up at all. You could tell they were all deserving and had a long record of service to the community.

There is something about the way these folks get elected that is worth sharing with the world. See, they are elected by dollar contributions, a penny a vote.

There’s no novelty to the concept, in fact it’s kinda like we elect most folks in this country. Whoever collects the most, wins.

Here in Ireland all the proceeds, every penny collected, is put to good use: the upkeep of the old community building. (It used to be the grade school for this end of the county, but somebody figured the students would be smarter if they spent an extra hour a day on a bus.)

Now just suppose we did the same in all of our elections. Imagine the good it would do. Whatever a candidate for President or Congress collects… 50 million, or 100 million, or 200 million…. it would all go into the U.S. Treasury to pay off the National debt. For Governors and Legislators, all the money would go into their own state Treasuries. Same way for all the city and local elections. No more throwing away campaign money on television ads and political consultants.

This way, whoever collects the most is automatically elected, without going through the pretense and expense of an election.

Out of the money collected, the national candidates would get a small weekly allowance, just enough to hire a bus to take them around the country, like John Madden to football games. The in-state candidates would get a pickup truck, like Janet Reno.

What if there’s a tie, like Florida, and everyone collects the same amount?

Well, do what they do in a basketball game, go into overtime. Add another week to the campaign. That would raise even more money for a good cause. It’s not likely you would have another tie, but if you did, a second overtime week couldn’t hurt. This way you keep the Supreme Court out of it, and it’s all decided before deer season.

But, what about the poor person who can’t afford to contribute?

This is where Election Reform comes in. I would make one change, and I think I would have the unanimous support of John McCain and Ted Kennedy on this one. Let the poor, and the unemployed and anybody else, volunteer their time instead of dollars. But instead of working directly for the candidate, stuffing envelopes and making those annoying phone calls at supper time, they would work for a charity or other needy cause, including the government.

Every hour worked would count so many dollars for their candidate. That way, you make it a fair election. One candidate might collect a pile of dollars, but if the other guy can collect hundreds or thousands of hours of work, why you have yourself a real election campaign.

Now I don’t know if it’ll work nationally, but it sure went over here. If Congress adopts this Election Plan, there’s plenty of folks here in Ireland that can teach ’em how to run it. I hear that Sen. Daschle intends to adopt some kind of election reform plan this week, so why not pick one with a proven record.

Before I go on, I’ve got to be perfectly honest with you. I don’t want you to think I’m plum loco with what I’m about to admit to you. Yes, I was in Ireland Thursday, but I’m not in Ireland today. I’m in Berlin. It’s only twenty miles between Ireland and Berlin because this is West Virginia, not European geography.

Speaking of Europe, did you read about the study in England on gum chewing? It seems chewing gum improves your memory, makes you smarter. They say the key is the “repetitive chewing motion”, which may explain why the smartest animal in the barnyard is the cow. Since I’ve chewed gum all my life, and single-handed kept Mr. Wrigley in business, imagine how poor my grammar would be without it.

Riding a bus might be all right for these Ireland students after all, if they give ’em a stick of gum when they get on.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (plus an Irish fact…)

“Well, today is the seventeenth of Ireland. Of all the nationalities that have helped to root out the Indians over here, the Irish are the only ones that have made enough impression on everybody that we celebrate their birthday… When you are laying out your European trip this Spring, don’t overlook the old Emerald Isle. It’s got ’em all beat for beauty, romance, humor and hospitality.” DT #1450, March 17, 1931

“Ireland quieted down, just as I told you it would. You see, they found out in a war with each other that somebody got hurt, so why shoot each other for no good at all? So Ireland is going fine.” Saturday Evening Post, May 12, 1928

Fact: Will Rogers’ great-grandfather, Robert Rogers, was an Irish-Scotchman. He came to what is now West Virginia around 1800 to trade with the Indians. He married Lucy Cordery who was half-blood Cherokee. They moved to Georgia, and had a son, Robert Rogers, Jr. in 1815. He grew up and married Sally Vann, a 3/8 Cherokee, in 1835, and Clem (Will’s father) was born in 1839. He married Mary America Schrimsher in 1859. They had 7 babies before Will came along in 1879. (Main source: Will Rogers: a Biography, by Ben Yogoda.)

BURLINGTON, Wisconsin: This is the home of the Burlington Liars Club, started in 1929 by a newspaper editor. Every year they pick a winner from all the lies folks mail to ’em from all over the world, and last year they got over two thousand letters. The winner was a lady who said her car was so old that when she registered it with the state, they gave her upper and lower plates.

They put the winning lies from each year on a brass plate, and they are bolted to the front of the various buildings downtown, along with the name of the person who submitted it. As I was walking around town reading all these award winning lies, I told the man who was showing me around, Dick Morris, “I don’t see any lies attributed to any governors or senators or mayors. Shouldn’t there be at least one winning entry from a LaFollette?” He said, “Oh no, we don’t allow politicians to submit lies for the contest. It’s open only to amateurs.”

I was speaking tonight at the Burlington Farm-City Night, a big affair of appreciation put on for 73 years by Kiwanis and all the local businesses. It was called “A Salute to the American Farmer”, and I told the farmers the way things are going in Congress on the Farm Bill, a Salute is maybe all they are going to get.

Well, these are fine folks, and we had a lot of fun this evening. The next time you sit down to a tasty meal, pause and thank a farmer, even if you don’t stop to salute him.

On my way here this morning I flew to Chicago on Southwest. Have you ever flew on that airline? If you haven’t you should, even if you have to go out of your way to do it.

I was sitting near the back of the plane reading the paper, and a flight attendant said to me, “Aren’t you Will Rogers?” He said, “We’d like for you to come up to the front and do some rope tricks for the passengers.”

Now, I had heard that Southwest is known for Positively Outrageous Service, and any ropin’ I might do for ’em would certainly fall in the category of Outrageous.

As I followed him up there, carrying my ropes, I got some concerned looks, so the first thing I did after he introduced me on the intercom was assure everybody I had no intention of lassoing the pilot. I told them I was headed to Burlington, Wisconsin, to speak at a banquet. But because of the town’s reputation, I wasn’t sure if the invitation was on the level.

Well, I spun a rope for the first class passengers for a minute or so… (by the way, do you know who sits in the first class section on Southwest? The ones who arrive three hours early) Before I went to the back to put on a second show, I apologized to ’em, because normally for a passenger to be annoyed with live entertainment you have to be booked on a cruise ship.

So when you fly Southwest, you’ve got to be prepared for almost anything, except for arriving late. (Since they are paying me the same for that little plug as they did for the rope spinnin’, it don’t even qualify as a commercial.)

Did you read about McDonald’s settling a lawsuit over French Fries? It seems the vegetarians found a tiny bit of beef fat in with their Fries, so they made McDonald’s give twelve million dollars to “vegetarian supported charities”. Now you may be wondering, exactly what kind of charity would a vegetarian support? Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rutabagas? Save our Daffodils? Potatoes for Ethical Treatment of Anchovies?

First, remember you’ve got a company here that can stretch a pound of meat into dozens of burgers. Can you imagine how many tons of fries it takes to soak up a pound of their beef tallow? For one serving of fries… well I bet you would get more animal by-products on you petting a dog.

Besides, if you’re a vegetarian for religious reasons, would you want to be seen eating at a hamburger joint?

If you’re a vegetarian for nutritional reasons, are you going to order bean sprouts, succotash, and a bottle of spring water, and then say “and give me some french fries… and super size it.”?

Vegetarians are wonderful folks, and I suggest they eat at Olive Garden so the rest of us can eat our French Fries the way we like ’em… beefy.

Did you see where, after Vice-President Cheney has spent the last six months holed up in an undisclosed location for national security reasons, the government announced he will be making a 12-nation tour of the Middle East. Including Israel.

If I were Dick Cheney, I think I would call up Mr. Rumsfeld, and say, “How about loaning me one of your Stealth planes. I’ll just fly over all 12 of ’em in one afternoon, and get back to my hideout.”

The college basketball pairings were announced Sunday. They got most of ’em right. Except for Gonzaga. Some of you might remember last year, after they kept winning so far through the tournament, I said the NCAA should go ahead and write ’em in as a #4 seed for this year, because they always win so many tournament games. But really, I was wrong… they deserved a #3, but got pushed down to 6. So all you teams in line to play ’em, watch out. Gonzaga is on a mission.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I am here tonight as kind of a peace offering. I have told a lot of jokes about these eating outfits, service clubs, or whatever you want to call them because I could not see much sense in them… But they were beneficial to the hotels because they got rid of a lot of bad food…. But now you have reformed and you are going along all right. I know from personal experience that you are getting along fine and doing something worth while. That is about all I can think of to say that would be any good for you.” Speech to Kiwanis International Convention in Los Angeles, June, 1933.

“A child born in Wisconsin is taught two things. One is to love LaFollette, and the other is to hate Minnesota.” Life Magazine, December 7, 1922

“Wisconsin is never doubtful. You can always depend on it doing just exactly what the other forty_seven don’t.” DT #577, June 1,1928

ATLANTA: I’m down here in Bobby Jones country, spending the weekend with 500 professional speakers. There’s 10,000 high school principals from all over the country convening in the same place, so the speakers are here, mostly, to caddy for ’em. You can imagine all the demerits we accumulated, and are still working off, for talking out of turn in class.

We’ve heard some great oratory from the platform. Actually, with this bunch it’s more like casual conversation and clean entertainment, presented with a clear message of hope for a bright future. We heard Gus Gustafson, T. Scott Gross, a former Miss South Carolina Jane Jenkins Herlong, and Bob Danzig, the former CEO for the publishing company founded by William Randolph Hearst. And a man you all remember from the Newlywed Game on television, Bob Eubanks. These folks, and dozens more who took their turns at the microphone, were at their best, to help make us all better.

But the one speaker we were all thinking about was not in Atlanta, except in spirit. Art Berg died suddenly two weeks ago, just shy of his fortieth birthday. He had been paralyzed in an accident almost twenty years ago, but life in a wheelchair had not slowed him down. He was always optimistic and cheerful, so much so that doctors treating him in the months after the car wreck that took away use of his legs, diagnosed him as having “Excessive Happiness”. Well, they were right about the Happiness.

Art Berg may be gone, but his message remains. By coincidence, if your Sunday paper today came with the Parade insert, look at the inside back cover and you’ll see a column from his book, The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer.

All I know is what I read in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution or what I see from my window on the 31^st floor of the Marriott Marquis. It rained yesterday, but Georgia is suffering through a long drought and water is getting mighty scarce.

Let me give you an inkling of how tight the supply is. On the bathroom sink in my room, next to those little bottles of shampoo and body lotion, the Marriott had placed a quart jar of water, imported all the way from the French Alps. The sign said it was there for my convenience, but in fine print it said if I opened the bottle, a charge of $4.00 would be added to my room tab.

There was no sign suggesting what the cost would be if I took a drink from the sink, or warning me as to where that water had come from. But those Marriott folks are some of the nicest you could ever meet, and they can’t help it if the Chattahoochee is running on empty.

According to the newspaper, everyone is cutting back except for the farmers. There’s a state law that says farmers can use all they want to irrigate their crops, and don’t even have to tell how many gallons they use. This is an old law, passed during Prohibition. Every farm had a still, and the Legislators didn’t want to risk cutting off their private supply during dry weather. A Legislature can pass laws in a pinch without water, but to lubricate the fine-tuned machinery of government, alcohol is essential.

So the farmers have the water, and the folks in Atlanta, and surrounding states, would like to get a share of it. Florida wants to irrigate the Everglades, but after Georgia waters all the peach trees, peanuts and watermelons, there won’t be a drop make it past Valdosta.

Now I ain’t getting myself caught between farmers and a newspaper, but it is surprising that here we are in a country where folks complain if they have to pay $1.50 a gallon for gasoline, or $2.50 for milk, and yet water at $16.00 a gallon gets not a mention in the editorial pages.

If the French want to sell us their water at $16 a gallon, we should trade ’em our corn for the same price.

Georgia isn’t the only state worrying over water. In Oklahoma the Choctaw and Chickasaw hired a lawyer to re-read the old treaties, and they have found, or at least they think they have found, that these two fine Indian Tribes own the rights to all the water on, and under, about two-thirds of the state. That seems fair because the farmers and everybody else can have what falls on the other third. Except for one little defect, it don’t rain but seldom on their third. You might wonder what will the Indians do with all that water, it’s too far to pump it to Atlanta.

Well, they have found a closer market, in North Texas. They may not draw the same rate as the French, but even if they only get 16 cents a gallon, it beats what they’re getting now, which is nothing. But you just wait; the Governor will figure a way to keep a hundred percent of the water, and a hundred percent of the wampum, leaving the old Indian high and dry as usual.

I saw a headline in USA Today: “Hollywood and Congress Team Up on Ethics Probe”. What a laugh. I don’t know what the story was about, but can you picture those two on Ethics. Why, that would be like Colonel Sanders and Oprah Winfrey combining to open a Texas Steakhouse. There couldn’t be any two with less interest in a subject, or know as little about it.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“You could be the World’s greatest orator and if you don’t say anything while orating, they are going to walk out on you after a while.” WA #139, August 9, 1925

ADA, Ohio: Have you heard about the disappearing glaciers in the tropics? If you didn’t know there are glaciers on the equator, it may surprise you even more to find out there aren’t as many now as a hundred years ago.

A professor and geologist named Lonnie Thompson has been measuring and studying these ice caps all over the globe for thirty years, and he’s figured out that some of ’em have been around for 700,000 years. He’s drilled way down in the ice, and he’s learned more exciting ancient history than you can dig out of the diaries of Mae West and Joan Collins combined.

The problem is, these tropical glaciers are melting. Dr. Thompson says even the ice on Mt. Kilimanjaro in Africa may disappear in twenty years. He’s one of the top twenty scientists according to Time and CNN, and the only geologist in the bunch, so he must know.

He says he’s going to Alaska next, where they say the permafrost is melting. He plans to drill a few holes to check it out, and if he accidently strikes oil, he’ll study it for awhile because the oil has been around longer than the ice.

I’m here in the metropolis of Ada for a farm meeting. This time of year, you go to about any country town and hang around for a day or two, you’re gonna run into a meeting of farmers. They’re tired of hearing about the low prices of corn, wheat, and soybeans, so the big issue is the new Farm Bill that Congress is arguing over. Normally it’s the Democrats vs. Republicans, but on this one it’s more like the North against the South.

The Senate favors the North, and the House favors the South. That seems kinda peculiar till you realize Tom Harkin from Iowa and Richard Lugar from Indiana run the Ag. Committee in the Senate, and Congressmen Combest and Stenholm of Texas run the same bunch in the House. They are all fine men, and they have the best interests of the country at heart, especially their part of the country.

They pretty much agree on how much the average size farmer should get to help him through the rough years (which is about 9 out of every 10), but the argument is on the big farms. The North wants a maximum payment of around $125,000, and the South wants a higher limit of about $250,000.

Now to some of you folks, either one of those may seem excessive. But if you realize these fellows may have over five million in capital tied up in the farm, and the payment is the difference between losing money and a small profit on the investment… well, would you want to trade places when the loans come due?

Now mind you, these figures are for single farmers. If they’re married, the maximum payment is doubled. So a wife could mean an extra $100,000 to $200,000. The odds are pretty good she’ll be worth it.

For the single farm woman who has been successfully operating the farm alone for years, whether a new husband would be worth that much, I’ve got my doubts.

Why, he could spend more than that a year on toys. You know, toys like a new pickup truck and horse trailer, a big combine, or a crop dustin’ airplane.

President Bush announced he is reforming welfare. From now on at least 70 percent of those receiving government checks must work 40 hours a week. That’s for welfare recipients. He didn’t say how long he expects government employees to work

He’s got a special plan for unmarried mothers on welfare. He wants to pay them more if they get married. Now, off hand that seems like a fine idea. But some of these big women’s organizations have come out against it. They claim there aren’t enough men to go around as it is, at least ones worthy of marrying, and they fear the pool will totally dry up if these single moms start offering cash incentives.

You might say, why not match up these mothers with the single farmers. The problem is for every single man with a few thousand acres, there’s a few thousand of these women.

Of course most of these folks getting our assistance, they don’t want a handout, they want a job. The farmers…well, they would much prefer getting more for their crops and nothing from Congress.

Have you seen the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? Well, fellows, if you’re done looking at the pictures, there’s an interesting article on the Gauchos in Argentina. It’s easy to find… go to the centerfold, then back up a few pages.

That’s all folks, I’ve got to get back to my reading.

Historic fact:
      In the spring of 1902 at age 22, Will Rogers sold his cattle, and headed to the Argentine. It took only a few weeks working on cattle ranches with the gauchos to find out this was no way to make a living. He moved on to South Africa where he got his start as an entertainer with Texas Jack’s Wild West Show.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:
     “These people that you are asked to aid, why they are not asking for charity, they are naturally asking for a job, but if you can’t give them a job why the next best thing you can do is see that they have food and the necessities of life.” From a radio broadcast with President Hoover, Oct. 18, 1931.

COLUMBUS: I spent today with Norman Borlaug, the man who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1970. Meeting him was an honor. And a surprise.

See, about everyone that wins one of those Peace Prizes ends up getting shot. Naturally, I assumed he was dead. No sir, he is alive, and as lively a speaker as you will ever listen to.

You young folks may not remember him, but he was born on an Iowa farm in 1914, and went to Minnesota to learn to be a scientist. Then he went down to Mexico and developed a wheat crop that was short, didn’t rust, and produced twice as much grain. Before long, folks who were mighty hungry over in Pakistan, India, and China got wind of it, they ordered a few shiploads of the seed to plant, and that’s how the so-called Green Revolution was started.

Over the years, hundreds of scientists worked with him, and the improvements they have made in wheat, rice and corn, plus the use of fertilizer, pesticides and machinery, has kept millions and millions from starving to death. And in Asia alone, they have saved a billion and a half acres of grassland and forests from being plowed under.

No wonder they gave him the prize. Food on the table promotes peace in the world more than any deals diplomats work out across the table.

Dr. Borlaug is 88 this year, so I asked him what he’s doing, you know, now that he’s retired. He chuckled, “Retired? I’m working three jobs.” Can you imagine that? He told me he still works on his research part of the year in Mexico, another few months he is helping Africa grow more grain, and every fall he teaches at Texas A&M University. Why, I bet he’ll still be working at 100, if he can avoid getting run over by a Texas Longhorn.

Did you read about that school mess in Kansas. This time it’s not evolution, it’s plagiarism

The students cheated, got caught, and flunked. Parents complained so loud the Board of Education changed their grades. The teacher resigned, and several more will quit in June.

But it gets worse. The school board received a letter from a company in Florida asking for a list of the names of all students in the district, so they can be sure they don’t hire any of them. Then Ken Lay heard about it, and he wrote a letter. Said Enron won’t hire ’em either. Unless they become accountants.

By now I figure the kids have learned their lesson. It’s the parents you shouldn’t hire.

Even some history professors have been accused of plagiarism. Frankly I think that’s one area where it should be acceptable, even encouraged. If one fellow writes, “George Washington was born Feb. 22, 1732,” do you want the next guy to write, “George Washington was born Feb. 22, 1733,” just to be different?

Of course every kid in America thinks he was born on the third Monday in February.

In other school news, the Supreme Court decided not to prevent students from grading each others tests. That makes sense to me… they look at the other guy’s paper during the test, why not afterwards.

The Olympics gave set of gold medals in figure skating to the Canadian pair. They have always used 9 judges. But because of the argument over the French judge, from now on it will be 15, including 6 referees from the NFL. Only 7 of the scores will count, selected by computer, and if it’s a tie, they’ll use instant replay.

An American girl won the gold tonight, but it wasn’t Michelle. She fell to third. Sarah Hughes got the judgement call over Irena of Russia.

You remember last week I said the US won three medals in one sport but I didn’t know what it was. Well, it’s “Olympic halfpipe”. But I still don’t know what it is.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(This first one is Dr. Borlaug’s favorite) “Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.” WA #90, Aug. 31, 1924

“A (person) only learns by two things, one is reading, and the other is association with smarter people.” WA #147, Aug. 4, 1925

COLUMBUS: Football fans got themselves an exciting Super Bowl to talk about. The Patriots of New England had patriots all over America kinda pulling for ’em. They were underdogs, but it seemed like they had Paul Revere riding ahead on every play telling ’em what St. Louis would do next. When a team wins 20 to 17 as time runs out, you know the game is interesting enough that we ought to hear more about it than the commercials.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. But the weather the last week of January was so warm the old groundhog was out every day doing his spring courting. By February 2, he was so exhausted the day didn’t carry any special meaning for him.

If he did see his shadow in Ohio, nobody will holler about six more weeks of this kind of winter. I haven’t seen any wild geese flying north yet, but if word of this warm weather reaches Tampa, why Ohio snowbirds will be flocking back up here before the buzzards return to Hinkley.

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. It was to Congress, but mainly he was talking to the rest of us, and to the World. Sure, he talked about terrorism, and a little about taxes, but did you catch how he wants us to volunteer to help others in need. You may not want to pay any more taxes, but you can’t harp on the idea of giving up some of your spare time.

Some of you have already surpassed his goal of 4000 hours, but the rest of us can pitch in at old folks homes, hospitals and schools, and help feed the poor and put clothes on their back. You can do it on your own, or join with the Lions, Rotary, Jaycees, the Legion, Salvation Army or Red Cross… any of our fine service organizations. Our young folks can work through Scouts, 4-H or FFA or many others.

Now keep in mind the President wants us to volunteer our time to help out other folks. If your company gives you a day off to do some good and noble deed, that’s fine and your company deserves credit, but it’s not quite the same as volunteering.

And for you kids, raising money from adults so you can bowl all night or dance in a marathon, or selling cookies so you can go to summer camp, well those things don’t count. If you rake leaves, shovel snow, and mow grass for someone who need it, and give ’em some cookies, now you’re on the right track.

Ann Veneman, our Secretary of Agriculture, was in town Friday and I got to hear her. She reminded us how the government is helping the poor with Food Stamps and aid for infants and children. She encouraged young folks in agriculture to show kids in the towns and cities what farming is like today.

Did you know we export a fourth of our food? We may have to import oil and cars and thousands of others goods, but our farmers produce so much we ship it out. Sec. Veneman said our farmers keep growing more every year, and we need to sell more abroad because “we’re eating just about as much as we can.”

Brother, she’s right on that one. Of course if we ate every day like we do on Super Bowl Sunday, that food surplus would disappear from the farms.

Historic quote by Will Rogers:

“Just last Sunday I wrote an article about pro football becoming so popular because they did something besides just run up into the line and butt their heads together all afternoon. Audiences like clever passing and lots of scoring, not 0 to 0, or 6 to 7.” DT #2624, Jan. 2, 1935

COLUMBUS: Did you read in the paper about the man who had a knife on an airplane? This Ohio fellow named Hedrick, he called a radio station to report a security breach, that he had a knife hidden in a belt buckle… he had forgotten it was there… and he got past security at the Greensboro airport.

The FBI got wind of it, and boy they jumped right in. What do you suppose they did? Did they arrest the person that allowed the man to go through security without inspecting his buckle? Did they interrogate the security manager at the airport to see why he hired such a careless person? Did they thank Mr. Hedrick for exposing this dangerous hole in our homeland security?

No, they arrested him. He was held on bail of $500,000, and charged with a crime that could land him in jail for 10 years.

Well, what about the security staff at Greensboro? I think they were transferred temporarily to New Orleans…. to keep terrorists out of the Super Bowl.

The moral to the story is, if you discover some incompetent working at an airport, don’t report ’em to the FBI unless you’re wearing suspenders.

Europe is complaining about how we are treating the Taliban prisoners. But those cells must not be as bad as Europe makes them out to be. Pictures of the prisoners got back to Afghanistan, and Taliban fighters are surrendering by the hundreds in hopes they will get taken there.

Those fellows get a free trip to the Caribbean, and John Walker Lindh, a bonafide American citizen until proven otherwise, he gets sent to Washington, confined at an undisclosed secret location. Probably across the hall from Dick Cheney. He says, ‘If you won’t send me to Guantanamo, can I perhaps serve my time in Puerto Rico?’

Congress is investigating Enron. I think I have figured out a solution. If the Congressmen who got contributions from Enron would give it all back, and if all politicians in every state and country would do the same, and if the company officials and stockholders who sold early at a good profit donated theirs, and Wall Streeters who hawked the stock, and Enron’s lawyers, and Arthur Anderson accountants… if all these scoundrels and their accomplices would come clean, there would be enough dough to at least have some semblance of a company. Not number 7 in size, but maybe 1007. Maybe even enough to give the employees a small settlement for their years of labor.

I have intentionally limited the amount of humor in this message. On Tuesday the President will deliver the State of the Union address, and I don’t want you to risk exceeding your weekly quota of laughs, chuckles and guffaws. Mr. Bush, and the Democratic response, could put you over the top.

Historic quotes by Will Rogers:

“Frank Phillips, of oil fame was out the other day, said he was going to Washington. The oil men were going to draw up a code of ethics. Everybody present had to laugh. If he had said the gangsters of America were drawing up a code of ethics, it wouldn’t have sounded near as impossible.” DT #2164, July 11, 1933

“The California Bar Association is to rid its ranks of any attorney found to have connection with the underworld. The first thing they do now if they are taking up crime as a profession (even before they buy the gun) is to engage their lawyer. He works on a percentage. Bar associations invented the word ‘ethics’, then forgot about it.” DT #2621, Dec. 30, 1934

EATON, Ohio: India and Pakistan are arguing over a piece of land they call Kashmir. Colin Powell is over there to referee. Now I have never been there, but folks who have tell me it’s a high desert that even goats abandoned centuries ago.

Instead of dividing it, just give the whole thing to China. That’ll take their mind off any bugged airplanes. (See Historic Quotes)

Farmers in western Ohio have lost hope of any immediate relief from a new Farm Bill. They are working on another idea that’s been around awhile, producing ethanol from corn. The technical expertise is available close by, across the river in Kentucky.

An official told a crowd here today that ethanol won’t be economical till a couple of things change. Well, there’s only two things that could change to make it worthwhile, and neither one is in high favor with farmers: paying a higher price for oil, and taking a lower price for corn. So don’t look for our grain farmers to put the Saudi Arabia sheiks out of business any time soon.

My earlier suggestion that you folks eat beef for Christmas was a dismal failure. I know you ate all you could, but cattlemen still have a bountiful supply of steak on the hoof. Fill your refrigerator while it’s cheap.

Speaking of beef, Ohio lost a fine man last week, and orphaned children around the world lost a close friend. Dave Thomas opened a restaurant in Columbus more than thirty years ago, named it Wendy’s after one of his daughters. He promised he wouldn’t use frozen beef, only fresh. By golly, he sold so many hot and juicy hamburgers every day there was no need to freeze any.

I read where a woman was awarded over $300,000 a month for child support. The paper didn’t say how many she is supporting, but if it’s fewer than Sally Struthers, they should be eating mighty good. With that kind of dough, they could probably afford to buy a farm… not only buy it, but run it. They’ve got a pretty good chance of breaking even, if they can avoid growing corn or raising cattle.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“(Peru and Chili) are arguing over a boundary line (the provinces of Tacna and Arica). (Former General) Pershing went down and saw the piece of land that is in dispute, and he has suggested that if Peru can’t get Chili to take it, and if Chili can’t get Peru to take it, that they both try and get Argentine to take it, as Argentine has never seen it.” WA #140, August 16, 1925

“Did you read in the papers a few days ago what we did down in Tacna Arica? You know we went down there to settle a dispute between Chili and Peru over a piece of land that is between them and they have been arguing over it for 40 years…. Do you think (Secretary of State Kellogg) divided it up equally? Or do you think he let one keep it one year and one the next, or one on sunshiny days, and one on cloudy days? No sir, he issued none of those common ways of settling disputed Territory. If you haven’t read it I will give you 12 guesses to guess who’s favor he decided in. Why, Bolivia’s. I knew you would be surprised. You will ask, “Why, what did Bolivia have to do with it?” Nothing. He said in his own statement that they hadent been consulted in his decision at all, so they are going to be surprised to death when they hear that the United States has decided to deed them a big piece of Territory. They will say, “Where did the United States get a piece of Territory down here to give to us?” Why we got it from Peru and Chili as our consulting fees for settling the dispute about it. Now Bolivia will say, “How does Kellogg know we will take it? It might be like a cotton farm down south. There is no law says you can give a man one of them and make him take it. That’s one thing our laws are just about. You can’t force a farm or an old car on any man, woman or child without their consent.”” WA#209, December 12, 1926

“Peru and Colombia are going to war over a boundary, the usual reason down here, but get this: The land in dispute is so isolated that neither nation can get to it, so they are arranging to have the armies meet at some convenient place and fight over a piece of ground that the winner can’t get to after they have won.” DT #1934, Oct. 16, 1932

ST. LOUIS: The big news here, besides the football team, is that Ford is shutting down a plant. Henry started building Model T’s here in 1914 (see, they weren’t all bolted together in Detroit), and his grandson Will (or is it Bill?) says they gotta halt production here in a couple of years. That’ll free up 2500 to go to work for Mr. Busch and his Clydesdales.

The Afghan prisoners are starting to check into the Guantanamo Hilton. Mr. Rumsfeld wants to keep bin Ladin’s Taliban down there at the Naval base in Cuba, even if it costs us $60 million to build a jail.

Amnesty International complained that it’s inhumane to keep them in a cramped space only 6 ft by 8 ft. Let me see if I understand this… it’s January, and they’re in the Caribbean. Sounds like a luxury cruise ship to me, except they have bigger rooms.

When Ohio’s Governor heard about the $60 million, he offered to sell ’em one of his empty prisons.

In case you are wondering, I’m here in the shadow of the Gateway Arch for a meeting of farmers learning more about how to grow crops without plowing. They have been holding this convention every year for ten years, in January, and it’s always in the Midwest. They draw about 750, but nobody knows what the turnout would be if they met in, say, West Palm Beach.

These no-till farmers have a secret way of getting all their tillage done, but news of it is starting to leak out. They leave all the old corn stalks or straw on the surface, or plant a cover crop each fall, so the neighbors can’t see what is going on underneath. But they got these millions of earthworms out there digging their way down through the soil, and they’re happy to do it as long as they get their fill of those stalks and leaves. The farmers still have to do the planting and harvesting, and spraying for weeds, but the worms do most of the work. Don’t call the Humane Society, because the worms love it. Those nightcrawlers would rather work than go fishin’.

Last night these farmers invited Ron Dentinger of Dodgeville, Wisconsin, to entertain. He kept ’em laughing so much they forgot that corn is still under $2.

Have you read about that new statue in New York, of the three firefighters raising the flag? Aren’t you glad that sculptor didn’t carve Mt. Rushmore? He would have left George Washington with his white wig and wooden teeth, but Tom Jefferson would have been pictured as a Negro, Honest Abe Lincoln would have traded his axe and log cabin for a tomahawk and a teepee, and Teddy Roosevelt, because he spent a year in Puerto Rico, would have taken on Hispanic features.

One New York official praised the new statue, “Symbolism is more important than history.” The paper didn’t say what office he was running for… hope it’s not the Board of Education.

This Monday and Tuesday night you can see a television show about Mark Twain. I hear that it’s got some symbolism slipped in among the history also. Hal Holbrook will make it worth watching.

Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:

“I doubt if there is a thing in the world as wrong and unreliable as History. History ain’t what it is; it’s what some writer wanted it to be.” Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

“There has been a good deal of trouble out in the Dakotas about the history that Mr. Coolidge was supposed to write on a rock. It was to run 500 words and give the history of America…. Course we never had much history, but like all Nations we think we have.

Well the Sculptor dident like the history that our Ex-President had cooked up so he made, as we say in the Movies, some re-takes on the manuscript. It seems that Mr. Coolidge had given our History from a Republican standpoint. There had been Democrats engaged in our history but only in the capacity of Villains. Well this Gutsom Borglum, who is a foreigner by birth, but an Atlanta Georgian by argument, he had studied his history of our land from the standpoint of Stone Mountain… (Coolidge) had taken his history of America from the Congressional Record, while Gutsom wanted his from the Atlanta Constitution. Coolidge believed that Jefferson was a fictitious Character, and that the income tax was entirely due to Alexander Hamilton, the inventor of a time lock safe.

Well, poor Dakota dident know what it was all about, all the interest they had in the matter was to furnish the Mountain. They just wanted something that a Tourist could read, or have read to him. In fact the more controversy the more would come to read.” WA #399, August 17, 1930

(Note: Mr. Coolidge’s 500-word history essay never got carved at Mt. Rushmore, or anywhere else.)

COLUMBUS: Midwesterners are kinda jealous of the South. Those folks from Louisiana to South Carolina have had more snow than Chicago and Columbus. Buffalo has offered to ship us some, but we have to furnish the trucks.

The Olympic flame passed through here this week. It was in Buffalo January 1, and was delayed getting out of town – the mayor was using it to melt snow.

Years ago the Olympic planners used fast runners, and picked out a direct route to get the flame to the Games. But now, they start early and zigzag around the country like a gerrymandered congressional district. For the torch bearers today, speed don’t matter as much as how they have lived their life. I hope you get to see the Olympic flame on its way to Utah. You’ll be inspired by the flame, and by the ones carrying it.

Speaking of flames, Sydney is kinda hemmed in by fires in the Blue Mountains west of town. Some of our television reporters have gone a bit overboard, saying Australia is on fire, and the koalas and all their other wildlife will become extinct. Well, of course it’s bad for those involved, but remind your kids that Australia is as big as America, and there’s parts of it with more koalas than they know what to do with. Sydney survived a hail storm in 1999, the Olympics in 2000, and boatloads of illegal aliens in 2001, so these fires are just a temporary inconvenience for John Howard and the Aussies.

The Rose Bowl was played Thursday night. It was kinda like old times when they always brought the two best football teams in the country to Pasadena. Miami ran all over the Nebraska Huskers and led 34 to nothing at halftime.

Next year I think the BCS should pick the top two differently. Lately, those teams from the state of Florida have been so tough to beat, just let those Florida schools decide among themselves on one of the teams, then the rest of the country fight it out for the other.

Did you notice that the Miami coach Larry Coker is from Oklahoma? Yes sir, and don’t be surprised if the U. of Florida hires an Okie to replace Spurrier. Those football players in Florida are bred to run, but it takes a good coach to tell ’em which direction to run in.

Notre Dame found one, Ty Willingham from out at Stanford. He will get the Irish back to where they was under Rockne and Holtz.

Rudy Giuliani turned New York over to the new mayor, Mr. Bloomberg. He is so rich I ain’t sure if he’ll be content with just one city to run. He may want to become President of Argentina. They have had 5 or 6 in the last few days, and none of them could afford to keep the job. Argentina is broke, so anyone with enough dough to pay off the debts can have the whole country. Bill Gates says he is not interested.

All these senators wanting to run for President in 2004, maybe they could try out their campaign plan on Argentina. Kinda like spring training, and it’s sure warmer than New Hampshire or Iowa. If their economic plan works down there, they can give George W a real race in two years.

But don’t you worry about Argentina. All the news has been from the capital city, but if you get out in the countryside, politics don’t matter so much. All they need is good rains to grow grass for their cattle and soybeans for Japan.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“…our New Year’s football game at the Rose Bowl. Andy Mellon’s boys from Pittsburgh played U. S. C. The score was 35 to nothing (in favor of USC). We got a man out here coaching, named Howard Harding Jones, that could take the Senate page boys and beat Harvard, Princeton and Yale with ’em.” DT #2003, Jan. 4, 1933

Will was in “Argentine” in 1902, at age 22. The following quotes are from letters to his dad and sisters.

“I went up into the interior about 800 miles and looked around for a few days but was not able to strike anything. But I am not in the least discouraged….
This is a beautiful place and has a lovely level country all around it….
This is no place to make money unless you have at least $10,000…
I am trying to learn Spanish. I can say 6 words; I did know 7 and forgot one.” May 23, 1902

“I have been well paid for my trip for I have learned lots on the trip. You don’t know how good your country is till you get away from it.” June 17

“I don’t think from what I have seen and heard that the unsatisfactory conditions of the country are in the land, climate or natural resources, but the fault is in the governing class… it is said to be the most corrupt and unstable of any government in the world…
The country is very deep in debt and a dollar is worth only forty-three cents.” July 7