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#460, June 11, 2007

COLUMBUS: This was a week of endings. Some happy endings, some not, depending on your point of view.

HBO filmed four different endings for the Sopranos, and didn’t use any of them. Viewers were expecting murder, massacre and mayhem, and instead what they got was a tie in soccer.

“Dollar Bill” Jefferson, the Louisiana Congressman, got out on bail and he paid his $100,000 bail bond in cash. I guess the FBI overlooked one of his freezers.

I told you last week Paris Hilton went to jail. Well, the Sheriff let her out, and the next day the Judge put her back in. The Weekly papers never had a chance; even the Dailies were two editions behind. The sheriff blamed it on sickness. You’ve heard this one already: with Paris constantly crying, moaning, yelling, and cussing , everybody in the jail got sick of her. Tonight I heard on television she suffered from A.D.D. Yea, right. In her case that means Absence of Dad’s Discipline.

The Belmont Stakes had a happy ending, happy for everybody but the boys. The filly, Rags to Riches, nosed out Curlin and left the rest of the colts in the dust. In Hollywood half the producers are planning a movie on her, naturally called Rags to Riches. The other half are working on one about Paris Hilton’s jail time. They hope to call it Riches to Rags.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky it’s not the ending, but the beginning that’s messed up. Some fellow down there lives by the theme, “All I know is what I read in Genesis”. He claims Earth began just 6000 years ago, not millions, and the Lord created it in a week with a day to spare. As I see it his only mistake was calling it a Museum. If he named it the Genesis Movie, or Genesis Theme Park, why even the scientists would gladly pay $10 to see it. Dinosaurs chasing fruitlessly through the Garden of Eden after Eve would attract ’em. Of course, Adam, being the slower of the species, would have long since met his demise.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Money, horse racing and women: three things the boys just can’t figure out.” DT #2679, March 7, 1935

“Nobody knows where they came from. Everybody looks at their enemies and hopes and prays they didn’t come from the same place.” WA #139 August 9, 1925

“But that Clarence Darrow! I wouldent debate him on the subject of evolution. Why, we wouldent be over the first part and into the rebuttal till he would have me jumping up on the back of a chair picking fleas off myself.” WA #228 April 24, 1927

#459, June 4, 2007

COLUMBUS: Paris Hilton went to jail today. Lindsey Lohan heard about Paris, and said I want in there, too. I tell you, it’s a stampede in Hollywood to see who all can get in with her.

Do you remember William Jefferson, the New Orleans Congressman who bribed foreign leaders and hid $90,000 in his freezer? Well, he was arrested today and could serve up to 200 years in prison. He wants to plea bargain a lighter sentence so he can get out by November 2008, mainly to attend his re-election victory party. So much for “Jeffersonian Principles.”

CNN put on a Presidential debate in New Hampshire Sunday night for the Democrats. There wasn’t a stage in the state wide enough to hold all the candidates, so they took over an ice rink. If Hillary appeared cold on camera, at least she had an excuse.

The Republicans get their shot Tuesday night on the same stage. All together we’ve got about fifty candidates and just over a year to go until the Conventions. Now don’t fret about the huge number. We’re likely to have some campaigns run out of dough, a couple of divorces, and a half dozen arrests, so the field will kinda narrow itself. If a man can arrange to do all three, he’s a shoo in. And he’ll name Paris Hilton for V-P.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“I hope the Democrats win this [1928] election just for one thing. I have heard 5,000 hours of speeches on a “return to Jeffersonian Principles,” and I want to see what “Jeffersonian Principles” are. Is it just an oratorical topic, or is it an economic condition? I know that Jefferson was for the poor, but in his days that was good politics, for practically everybody was poor.” DT #700, Oct. 24, 1928.

#458, May 28, 2007

COLUMBUS: The immigration debate gave way for a day of Remembrance. But tomorrow you just watch it heat up again.

Most readers seemed to like my column last week about the Cherokee Nation. They didn’t particularly like the result, but appreciated the warning.

I read in a newspaper that more than half of the illegal immigrants do not have a high school education. So if all of those ten to twenty million become citizens, the percent of Americans with an education will drop sharply lower.

I’ll leave you with one question: If our goal is to lower the education level of the country, why are we spending billions to send our kids to high school and college?

Historical quotes from Will Rogers: (on Memorial Day)

“Another Decoration Day passed and Mr. Abraham Lincoln’s 300-word Gettysburg Address was not dethroned. I would try and imitate its brevity if nothing else. Of course, Lincoln had the advantage; he had no foreign policy message to put over. He didn’t even have a foreign policy. That’s why he is still Lincoln.” DT #268, May 31, 1927

“A sure certainty about our Memorial Days is as fast as the ranks from one war thin out, the ranks from another take their place. Prominent men run out of Decoration Day speeches, but the world never runs out of wars. People talk peace, but men give their life’s work to war. It won’t stop till there is as much brains and scientific study put to aid peace as there is to promote war.” DT #888, May 31, 1929.

#457, May 21 , 2007

COLUMBUS: President Bush and Congress finally agreed on something, Immigration Reform. Only problem is, while they agree with each other, nobody agrees with them.

Americans have been trained by the government to suspect anything called Reform.

For example, they give us tax reform, and the next year our taxes increase. Welfare reform, and the money spent on welfare increases. So why would anyone think immigration reform will cause immigration to decrease.

Let me tell you a true story. It is the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. If you’ve read it before, it’s worth reading again.

Once upon a time, a nation prospered in peace and affluence for many years. But trouble lay just across the border. The neighboring land was over populated and the people eyed the vast inviting lands with envy. For a few years small numbers of “intruders” would sneak across the boundary, and the government would catch them and kick them out. But many avoided detection, sort of blending in, and many more intruders followed.

Before long the intruders were pouring into the nation. Some were there legitimately as employees, but others sneaked in and each claimed a piece of the foreign land as their own. They didn’t pay for it, just squatted on it. Quite a few of the intruders were armed criminals who crossed the border to keep from going to prison.

Finally, a prominent local citizen got so annoyed he wrote a letter to his national leader. “Are we powerless to enforce our own laws? Are we to submit to such great wrongs by these men who are not citizens? Our laws are not enforced. Men are hauling away our cattle in open violation of the law and the sheriff knows it. Timber is being cut and taken away while the sheriff watches. How in the world can we hold up as a nation when our officers don’t respect the law and the oath they have taken to uphold the law.”

About two years later a small portion of the nation relented and sold, for a pittance, a substantial section of land that got turned over to the intruders. Do you think that satisfied the intruder population? Not on your life. It just created more pressure on the nation to open its borders.

The biggest business in the nation lobbied relentlessly to allow even more intruders. They claimed an expanding intruder population was essential to economic growth in the nation.

Sound familiar? Any idea yet where this “nation” is?

Let’s go on. Seeing the looming conflict in this particular nation, the U. S. Congress jumped into the fray, led by a Senator from Massachusetts. After much rhetoric and debate Congress made a decision: they came down firmly on the side of the Intruders.

How could this be? Even the Senator from Massachusetts admitted the nation was prosperous, “Although a tiny number of individuals control about one-seventh of the nation’s wealth (land) there is not a family in the entire nation without a home. There is not a pauper in the nation, and the nation does not owe a single dollar.”

Now who could ask for more than that? But this prosperity was not good enough to satisfy the U.S. Congress and keep this nation intact and protected from Intruders.

Congress created a Commission to negotiate with a delegation of representatives from the nation. One of those representatives was the “prominent local citizen” quoted above. He soon became peeved at the delegation’s inability to agree on what their position should be.

Five years after the U.S. government got involved, and all the negotiating was over with, Congress passed a bill abolishing the laws of this “nation”. Congress also mandated that all land be divided up equally among its citizens.

The end of a nation as we knew it occurred in 1898.

The Senator from Massachusetts was Henry Dawes, head of the Dawes Commission. The bill passed by Congress was the Curtis Act. The Intruders were mainly from Kansas and Arkansas. The big business encouraging the Intruders was the Missouri Pacific Railroad, which built a line through the nation in 1889.

Have you guessed it yet?

The “nation” was the Cherokee Nation. It was part of Indian Territory which in 1907 became the state of Oklahoma.

The “prominent local citizen” (who also helped write the state constitution for Oklahoma), was Clem Rogers, father of Will Rogers.

To quote another prominent Oklahoma native, Paul Harvey: “And now you know the rest of the story.”

Well, a hundred years later in 2007, another Massachusetts Senator is a leader for Immigration Reform. Big business is applauding from the sideline. And the nation’s accumulated wealth is to be shared with the Intruders.

Of course, not everyone agrees. They say, “You can’t compare the Cherokee Nation to our nation today.”

Perhaps in another hundred years, 2107, another comedian will write a syndicated newspaper column titled, “End of a Nation.” The question to ponder today is, do you think those newspapers will be published in English?

(A primary source for the facts in the story is Ben Yagoda’s 1993 biography of Will Rogers.)

#456, May 14 , 2007

COLUMBUS: Catalina Island caught fire last week off California. The next day Florida got wind of it, said California is clearing more land, and we can’t let ’em get ahead of us.

While California’s fires are mainly on steep hillsides, Florida arranged for theirs to be on flat land (is there any other kind?) located in easy proximity to two Interstate highways. You Northerners better be alert for new Realtor ads featuring “half acre lots, freshly charred, with an unlimited view previously blocked by trees. Conveniently located just across the state line from Georgia; no need to move hundreds of miles farther south to avoid income taxes.”

Republican Presidential contenders are debating again, this time in South Carolina. Fortunately the FBI caught those Islamic illegal aliens planning to blow up Fort Dix. Now they’ll have something new to discuss.

In Iraq, the Army has a couple thousand troops looking for the three soldiers kidnaped by al Qaida. When they find them, and dispense with the captors, I suggest they keep right on going to Afghanistan and dig out Osama bin Laden. Even to Pakistan if need be. You give the Army something to fight for, there’s no stopping ’em.

On a relatively frivolous note, this e-mail campaign to stop people from buying gasoline on May 15 kinda backfired. Filling stations figured if everyone is gonna fill up on the 14^th in order to skip buying gas on the 15^th , we’ll jack up prices on the 14^th. It’s just our luck, gas on the 15^th will be posted at a dollar a gallon, and our tanks are all full.

I’d better lay off the gas companies. I had planned to call “my” old friends at Phillips 66 to sponsor a tour of Oklahoma, you know, to raise funds for the sufferers of recent tornadoes and floods. But now it’s the automobile drivers that are hollering for relief, from making monthly payments on gas at $3.25.

There’s no doubt who’s worse off when you compare the man driving an automobile to the family temporarily sleeping in one.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“If everybody (traded his car for a horse) they would be out of debt in a couple of years. Just think, no gas, no tires, no roads to pay for.” DT #2043, Feb. 20, 1933

“The difference between good times and bad times is gasoline, and what goes with it.” WA #636, March 3, 1935

#455, May 7 , 2007

COLUMBUS: The Kentucky Derby put horses back on the front page again. Seems like most people ignore the old race horse except one day a year.

Street Sense won it. Before the race I heard a television reporter ask his trainer, Carl Nafzger, why he didn’t bring a horse to the Derby every year. Mr. Nafzger gave the most intelligent comment you’ll ever hear from a horseman. “A good trainer don’t bring a horse to the Kentucky Derby; the horse brings the trainer.” Now that’s Common Sense, and because of it investors wise enough to bet on Street Sense made a lot of Dollars and Cents.

Even Queen Elizabeth, a fine horsewoman, was there. She had some time to kill between the Jamestown celebration last week and the big dinner tonight at the White House. I was kinda hoping she would stop in Columbus for a visit Sunday on her way to Washington.

Did you see where Paris Hilton is headed for jail? Her Mother told the judge it’s not fair to send Paris to jail just because she was drunk and driving with a revoked license. How’s that for another example of modern Hollywood parenthood just before Mother’s Day. I figure 45 days in the slammer beats 30 days in any de-tox resort for long-term results.

But what Paris Hilton needs when she gets out is a horse. Put her on a spirited horse, let her bounce around in the saddle all day, and you’ll hear no more arguments from her about having to wear, uh, undergarments. The horse will come closer to keeping her out of jail than her mother. But really, I think Paris is just a little girl that never growed up. Maybe her mama, too.

With gas at $3.20, the old horse is gaining ground. A bonus is you don’t have to mow your yard; let the horse eat it down. If you have a tiny yard and he’s still hungry, why, offer the “eating-mowing” service to your neighbors. Just like those new-fangled electric cars, ride him to work all day, and let him recharge at night.

Those storms in Kansas and Oklahoma left a horrible mess. That little town of Greensburg was wiped clean except for the grain elevator. That’s the only thing still standing. In fact don’t be surprised if new buildings put up on the Plains are built just like those wheat silos. Of course they don’t have to be that tall; just that strong. How’s that for Common Sense?

Historic quote from Will Rogers: (on Mother’s Day)

“A mother is the only thing that is so constituted that they possess eternal love under any and all circumstances. No matter how you treat them, you still have their love. I was telling that to my wife today, and I was telling her a little thought that I wanted to use (on the radio tonight), and I said, “You know, Betty,” I says, a mother and a dog is the only two things that has eternal love, no matter how you treat ’em. And my wife made me cut the dog out. Said it, well, it didn’t sound very good and it might sound disrespectful to a mother, but I certainly didn’t mean it that way. But it’s the only thing that really is. You know what I mean.

So the poor old dog he’ll have to go. I can’t use it on account of my wife made me leave the dog out, but he still loves you just the same, just as much as a mother did.

But this being Mothers Day… maybe some day, we’ll have Dog Day, too, or something, and I can use that on the dog. I really do, I hate to leave the dog out, but my wife runs this outfit. Well, anyhow, they both, no matter what you do to them, they all love you.

Mothers are naturally glad to have this day dedicated to ’em, and they’re glad that we pay them this homage and remembrance, but it hasn’t increased their love one bit, I don’t think. It’s made no changes in her. She can see through this Mother’s Day thing. She knows that we were almost forced by law to do something about her.” Radio broadcast, Mother’s Day, 1935

#454, April 30 , 2007

COLUMBUS: Things are coming to a head, ready to reach a dramatic climax.

I’m not talking about American Idol; rather the tug-of-war between Congress and the President over Iraq. Congress passed a bill to give ’em money to come home on. The President wants the same money, but to keep ’em over there till they win.

President Bush might fool ’em and sign it. Not only sign it, but say to Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi , “You want the troops home tomorrow? Fine. We’ll give you the honor of going over there to break the news, in person, to Al-Qaeda and the Sunnis, Syrians and Iranians.”

Of course it won’t happen. Republicans want to end the war, but not on a date picked by Democrats. And Democrats don’t want to wave a white flag unless a Republican is holding it.

So after the veto, the war of words will continue in Washington. But the only vetoes these birds in Congress are scared of is the ones back home.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“A President just can’t make much showing against (Congress). They just lay awake nights thinking up things to be against the President on.” WA #430, March 22, 1931

“Isn’t the Presidency higher than Senator? Why, no. The Senate can make a sucker out of the President – and generally does.” Article on the 1920 Republican National Convention, June 8, 1920

(Exactly 75 years ago, a racially-tinged murder trial involving a U.S. Navy seaman and a native Hawaiian led to this commentary…)
“Well, about all you can see in the papers is Honolulu. The whole thing just proves that the islands haven’t got any use for the navy and the mainland.
Course I guess I am all wet, but I never have seen any reason why us, or any other nation, should hold under subjection of any kind any islands or country outside of our own. We say we have to have it to protect the Pacific. Why don’t we have to have the Azores to protect the Atlantic?
We are going to get into a war some day either over Honolulu or the Philippines.
Let’s all come home and let every nation ride its own surfboard, play its own eukaleles and commit their devilment on their own race.
Yours for remaining on the home grounds.” DT #1800, May 1, 1932

Folks, I am temporarily inserting two links for your enjoyment.
First, a spectacular 4-minute tribute to the 100th birthday of the state of Oklahoma. It is called Oklahoma Rising. Click (or paste) the link into your web browser, turn of your speakers and glue your eyes to the monitor. (Will Rogers shows up at about 2:20 for a couple of seconds.)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqRX1BEZvxU&mode=related&search=

Second, Carol Mell, a writer from Taos, New Mexico, who attended the Will Rogers Writers Workshop in March wrote a nice piece about me and Will. She also wrote several other short articles about interesting places she visited in Oklahoma. www.newwest.net/humbugmountain

Back to Weekly Comments…

Earth Day, conservation and old catalogues

#453, April 23, 2007

COLUMBUS: Sunday was Earth Day, at least in America. It was started April 22, 1970, a historic day, and we have made tremendous strides in water quality and air quality ever since. About the only open burning you see today is outdoor barbeques. Of course, farmers say that every day is Earth day to a farmer. They know we are entirely dependent on a few inches of the Earth’s crust, so they work every day to preserve it.

One of our leading proponents for preserving the planet is Al Gore. Republicans have been criticizing him because he preaches energy conservation while he has enormous electric bills at home. Well, I read in the paper where he plans to install 33 solar panels on his roof. It’s a wonderful idea, and everybody with a big roof facing south ought to consider it.

But the Town Council where he lives in Belle Meade, Tennessee, said he can place them only “where the neighbors cannot see them.” That’s a tough order. These solar collectors kinda depend on sunshine, so it would hurt their performance if Al had to place ’em inside the house.

If they ‘re upset at solar, suppose Al installed a 300-ft high wind mill in his yard. Or embarrassed them by driving a Prius or E-85 pickup truck.

You know, if these high-fallutin’ neighbors in their million dollar homes look back in their ancestry I bet some of their fortunes came from the production and sale of ethanol. For them, it’s no to sunshine, yes to moonshine.

If these folks are sensitive to solar panels, suppose Sheryl Crow were to move in next door with her plan to ration toilet paper. One sheet of Charmin per day is all. That’ll bring a quick end to recklessly tossing out old L. L. Bean and Nieman-Marcus catalogues. And no more friendly handshakes among neighbors; just wave, that’ll be enough.

How far do some folks want civilization to backtrack in the name of civilization?

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

(For farmers, in the old days) “there would be times when they would be snowed in for the winter without their Montgomery Ward Catalogue.” WA #158, December 20, 1925

(The old pioneer) “wanted to plow up the land that should have been left to grass. We’re just now learning, you know, that we can rob from nature the same way as we can rob from an individual. All he had was an ax, and a plow, and a gun, and he just went out and lived off nature. But really, he thought it was nature he was living off of, but it was really future generations that he was living off of.” Radio broadcast, April 14, 1935

#452, April 16, 2007

COLUMBUS: The massacre at Virginia Tech kinda knocks you for a loop. What is it about April that attracts these catastrophes? As I write this, the killer has not been publicly identified. I doubt anyone will ever come up with a reason for the slaughter, like a lot of the slaughter in Iraq, Sudan, and other places we seldom hear of.

(I wrote most of this column before the news hit us from Blacksburg.)

I was in the Texas Panhandle last week; Amarillo, Pampa, Lubbock. Met some wonderful people in Texas, including at the Dallas Ft. Worth Airport. In Pampa they invited me to speak to the Knife and Fork Club. These Knife and Fork clubs are a historic, but vanishing breed, and I hope you get a chance to join or speak at one. Pampa is built on cattle, wheat and oil, or as they say it, “where the wheat grows and the oil flows”. They don’t just pump the oil and ship it out by the barrel. No, they got companies there like Cabot Carbon and Celanese that are smart enough to turn the oil into valuable chemical products.

In Lubbock I stopped at the National Ranching History Center. It’s a humbling education to see how those old homesteaders lived down through the years. Lots of old houses, barns and windmills were brought in from all over the state and preserved, going back a hundred to two hundred years. In an hour or less you can walk through two centuries of history.

Also met a lot of cotton ginners and farmers at their annual trade show. This part of Texas grows more than a quarter of all the cotton in the whole country and they are mighty efficient. They have to be efficient because water from the Ogallala is getting scarce. The irrigation engineers are helping ’em stretch every gallon. Back East plenty of folks would gladly donate their excess water today.

I got my taxes paid. Coughing up more dough is never pleasant, but there is some satisfaction in knowing the report is finished. Just like 75 years ag “You can’t legitimately kick on income tax, for it’s on what you have made.” (April 28, 1932) Now I’m sure someone will remind me the rate was a bit lower back then under Hoover.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on taxes)

“The crime of taxation is not in the taking it, it’s in the way that it’s spent.” DT #1764, March 20, 1932

“It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.” DT #1770, March 27, 1932

“Always remember this, that as bad as we sometimes think our government is run, it is the best run I ever saw.” WA #521, Dec. 18, 1932

#451, April 8, 2007

COLUMBUS: Easter Sunday started with a rare surprise. Looked out the window and saw colored eggs being hidden by Frosty the Snowman. Anybody living downwind from a Lake got a foot of snow, except Lake Okeechobee or Pontchartrain.

It may have been cold outside where you live, but I bet it was mighty warm once you got in the church. Preachers have learned when the pews are full on Easter, the ladies want to keep their bonnets on, but not fur coats.

Everywhere was cold today, not just up north. Texas, Tennessee, Georgia. At The Masters the spectators at Amen Corner gave up cheering and instead prayed for heat. Zach Johnson of Iowa won because he traded his golf gloves for mittens.

Most folks don’t like snow and ice on Easter. You just watch, someone will ask Congress to set Easter on 4^th Sunday of the month. Billy Graham and the Pope may have to show ’em it’s a holiday you can’t mess with.

This cold spell is a big setback for the global warming folks. Scientists won’t be swayed by a late cold spell, but voters are a different breed. Mr. Gore may have to postpone his run until 2012.

The Iranian dictator said he released the British hostages as an “Easter gift.” I doubt Christians will let a radical Muslim get away with rewriting the Ten Commandments. No matter what he says, “Thou shalt not steal” does not mean it’s ok if you return the goods in two weeks.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I bet any Sunday could be made as popular at church as Easter is if you made ’em fashion shows, too. The audience is so busy looking at each other that the preacher just as well recite Gunga Din. We will do anything, if you just in some way turn it into a show.” DT #2718, April 22, 1935

“I left Los Angeles from over in San Fernando valley on the American Airways just at daybreak on Easter morning. They were having Easter sunrise service in the Hollywood Bowl. Well it was so misty and foggy this morning, they might have got up before daylight and parked two miles away from the place. For I never saw as many cars in one place in my life. But they never had any sunrise service, for no one but an Aerial Magician could have told when the sun did rise on that day. Old California fell down on ’em. It was so misty and foggy that we dident think we could get away, but these Planes all have radio now, so they got word that there was fine weather all along the line… Honest, if people knew how fast and comfortable and safe it is on a Plane they would never travel any other way.” WA #434, April 19, 1931