Category: Uncategorized

#421, August 21, 2006

COLUMBUS: Two weeks ago I said those rusty BP oil pipes in Alaska would lead to higher prices. I was wrong, and I’m the first to admit it. Gas prices in Ohio are down 40 cents instead of up. Maybe we can get the other big companies to shut down a few wells and drop the price 80 cents. Maybe even a dollar.

But I got one thing right about the Lebanon cease-fire. France wanted to take charge of controlling the Islamic terrorists; said they would send 2000 Army troops. They wanted to lead the disarming force, to be a role model for other freedom-loving nations. Well, when word reached Paris that Hezbollah did not intend to disarm without a fight, 1800 of the French Army decided to stay home. Seeing what the French had done, these other countries decided not to send any soldiers at all, except for the nations on the same side as Hezbollah. With the prospect of a force like that staring at ’em across the border, can you blame Israel for disarming a few terrorists themselves?

By coincidence Philadelphia decided to kick out 60,000 Boy Scouts from their headquarters building in the City of Brotherly Love. Well, these boys put God and country above self; they could go over there and root out those Hezbollah polecats before France gets even 200 of their soldiers picked up off the Riviera beaches and back in uniform.

Joe Lieberman uttered the quote of the week: “I’m not a member of any organized political party.” Hey, I’m kidding about the quote, but ole Joe is trying to get re-elected as an Independent. He wants to do for Connecticut what Huey Long did for Louisiana. If he gets in there and the Senate is split even, he’ll just throw his vote to whoever gives him the most dough to spread around. He’ll propose a dam on the Connecticut River. It’ll cover half of Massachusetts, but his farmers can use the water to irrigate their crops. Why, don’t be surprised if he puts in a bill to build a bridge from New London to Long Island.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“Heat and reason don’t go together, anyhow, you know…. I’m just warning you what you’re going to get this summer. There’s going to be a lot of spouting from the speakers’ platforms all this summer. There’ll be more perspiration than common sense flowing, and the whole political thing has come now to a pretty direct division point. I mean there’s been a direct split in the parties…

So all this talking and all this spouting, and all the hard feelings and all the perspiration that’s going to be smeared about all this summer will just be a total loss. Conditions win elections and not speeches, and these denouncing orators should remember that every time they cuss the president they lose friends. They may get some applause from a partisan audience, but we still think it’s the highest office in the whole world. And we always think, and we have justification in thinking, that it’s always held by the highest type of men, regardless of which party they belong to. So any denouncing, no matter which side he’s on, he loses more votes than he gains.” Radio broadcast, June 9, 1935 (This was Will’s last radio broadcast.)

#420, August 14, 2006

COLUMBUS: The Ohio State Fair ended yesterday and the farmers returned home to catch up on chores and inspect their crops. Not just in Ohio, but across the middle west, corn and soybeans are looking mighty good.

If you still have an opportunity to attend a Fair this summer or fall go to it and support all those young folks with their 4-H and FFA exhibits and contests.

We can’t stay at a Fair forever, ignoring the rest of the world. These UN countries voted 15-0 for a so-called peace plan in Lebanon. Iran and Syria abstained. When asked if they were for the War or against it, they said, “Of course we’re against it.” Then they shipped 5000 more rockets to Lebanon. Said it was to maintain the Peace.

Iran and Syria learned their history from Hitler: try to conduct your wars in some other country. Hitler picked France and Russia as his primary foreign locations; these two picked Lebanon. By paying someone other than their own army to do the fighting, they even improved on Hitler. And if all their martyrs succeed a hundred percent and commit suicide, they don’t even have to pay ’em. Nobody in this country ever thought of running a war like that.

Fighting an enemy that don’t have any use for human life, even their own babies, is worse than Bonnie and Clyde, the Dalton Gang, Jesse James and John Dillinger combined. We used to think a cannibal was as close as a man could get to having no conscience, but at least a cannibal is limited somewhat by his own appetite.

The wets used to say, “Prohibition’s better than no liquor at all.” Well, to a diplomat a cease-fire is better than no war at all. The diplomats announced the peace will be enforced by the Lebanese Army and the French Army, backed up by United Nations forces. When the news reached Hezbollah you could hear ’em laughing all the way to Paris. Can you imagine any less formidable opponents? There would be a better chance of disarming Hezbollah if we called up 10,000 Boy Scouts, backed by a thousand Campfire Girls.

Good luck to Lebanon. Good luck to Israel.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“A Diplomat is a man that tells you what he don’t believe himself, and the man that he is telling it to don’t believe it any more than he does.” Saturday Evening Post, June 9, 1928

#419, August 7, 2006

COLUMBUS: This week I am starting with a commercial. And if you want to switch off your computer screen you’ll be justified. But if you ever look over the list of movies playing at your local theater and say, ‘They sure don’t make movies like they used to, ‘ then here’s one ad you’ll like.

Rupert Murdock, the man that runs 20^th Century Fox and a whole lot more of our media companies, has released four films from 1935 for your viewing pleasure. They are on DVDs and the cost for all four is only around $50. The movies are: Steamboat Round the Bend, Doubting Thomas, In Old Kentucky, and Life Begins at Forty.

Now I could have been like those hucksters on television and told you that the first two were available for $50, and if you act immediately we’ll give you the other two absolutely free. Of course these four full length films are a real bargain, less than $15 a piece, and anyone over about 60 will get a thrill out of them. And if you’re over 75, these movies will remind you of the first time you saw them. I bet the young folks like them, too, even if they are in black and white. Great gift for Grandparents. Of course you may also have to buy them a DVD player. And show ’em how to run it.

Now that I have you all worked up and ready to buy, here’s where to call: the Will Rogers Museum at 1-800-828-9643, during normal business hours in Oklahoma. The DVDs are a package deal, you get all four.

On with our regularly scheduled program: I’ve been reading about this fellow that won the Tour de France. They say he had an extraordinary abundance of testosterone in his blood, and ought to give back the award. I sure ain’t defending him, and if he won it illegal he should rightly return the trophy. But if you asked the average American male to list ten things he might enjoy doing with extra testosterone, riding a bicycle in France would not make the list.

Oil found another reason to set a record price. Here we were all concerned about hurricanes in the Gulf, war in the Middle East, and prosperity in China and India… now it’s rust in Alaska. I don’t know how high these rusty pipes will drive gasoline prices, but I do have a suggestion: let those who don’t want us to use any oil from Alaska pay double, and the rest of us can maybe keep it under three dollars a gallon.

You know, riding a bicycle ain’t such a bad idea after all.

Historic note:

These were the last four movies starring Will Rogers, all shot in the first half of 1935.

#418, July 30, 2006

GREENVILLE, Ohio: Do you remember Annie Oakley? Of course you do. A hundred years ago she was the best known woman in the world. She was known mainly for her sharp-shooting skills with a rifle. On his news program Thursday, Paul Harvey told how Annie Oakley used to shoot a cigarette out of her husband’s mouth, from thirty paces. Then he added, “He never forgot their anniversary.”

You might not know she was born in Ohio. Every year about this time they celebrate her life with “Annie Oakley Days” at the county fairgrounds and this year the Wild West Arts Club invited me to attend their competition and annoy ’em with a few comments at the awards dinner.

I got to meet Annie, and we talked a spell, mainly about old times. Took some pictures. Now, everybody knew she was there, but to see Annie Oakley and Will Rogers together caused a bit of a stir. They were wondering, who’s coming next? Maybe Hopalong Cassidy, or John Wayne, or Roy Rogers? (And two of those fellows were also Ohio bred and born.)

The way things are deteriorating over in the Middle East, what we need is a few thousand Annie Oakleys to go over there and pick off those terrorists one at a time. Those men have never seen anything like her and she could ride in with a rifle concealed under her long skirt, dismount and plug ’em between the eyes before they could fire their Kaytoosha.

All I know is what I read in the newspaper. Did you see where a group of Democrats announced they have come up with a new idea for weaning us off petroleum? They said if we play it right we can replace 25% of our gasoline with ethanol and other home-grown fuels by the year 2025. These Democrats may think it’s a new idea, but six or eight months ago I heard the same plan described by some engineers. They called it 25 by 25. So finally, the Democrats have caught up with the engineers, and if the Republicans, who still haven’t learned about it, get behind the plan it’s got a chance. Even the big oil companies might be amenable as long as they get a crack at the processing and distribution rights.

Last week I attended the annual convention of the National Speakers Association in Orlando. It was hot in Florida, but not as hot as it’s been out West. Now when you gather 1700 men and women who make their living by talking, well, let’s just say it puts a strain on any air cooling system. But the Marriott folks were prepared for us because they had installed the extra heavy duty industrial grade Carrier system in the convention hotel. There’s only two of that size, and the other one is in Washington at the Capitol.

But really, only about 50 did most of the speaking, and the rest of us were there to learn. I’ll leave out a bunch who deserve a mention, but it was good to get insights on presenting humor from Lou Heckler, Ron Culberson, David Glickman, and Lola Gillebaard. The top honor of the whole convention, the Cavett Award, went to Charles “Tremendous” Jones. He has been speaking since 1949 and his nickname is well deserved.

(“Annie” is Loretta Jones of Rock Island, Tennessee)

Historical quotes from Will Rogers:

“They are pretty bad, these big wars over commerce. But one over religion is really the most bitter.” WA #350, Sept. 8, 1929

[Annie Oakley was born in Darke County, Ohio, August 13, 1860, and died in Greenville, the county seat, on Nov. 3, 1926.]

    “Annie Oakley… was the acknowledged headliner for years and years of the great Buffalo Bill Show. [from 1885 to 1902]
She was the best known woman in the World at one time, because when she was with the show, it toured everywhere. She was not only the greatest rifle shot for a woman that ever lived, but I doubt if her character could be matched, outside of some Saint.
I had heard Cowboys who had traveled with the Buffalo Bill Show speak of her in almost reverence. They loved her. She was a marvelous woman, kind hearted, most thoughtful, a wonderful Christian woman.
I went out to see her last spring in Dayton. She was in bed… had been for months… but she was just so cheerful. Just think of a little, frail, gray-haired woman who had spent her life with a Wild West show, remaining in your memory as being just about the most perfect thing you ever saw besides your own Mother.
So it’s what you are, and not what you are in, that makes you.” WA 206, Nov. 21, 1926

July 17, 2006

COLUMBUS, Ohio: While I was out West for a week, it appears the “whole civilized world has degenerated” (see Historic quote below). That fellow running Iran is pretending to be Hitler, but he’s substituting Chinese scientists for Germans, and sending out Hezbollah to do the fighting instead of German soldiers.

Discovery completed a wonderful space shuttle trip this morning and it’s practically shoved off the front page by Iran, Syria, Lebanon, and Israel. Even Iraq is feeling neglected.

Some people claim it’s oil we’re fighting for in the Middle East, but I think if you drill down to the core of the issue, it’s not oil, but freedom. We can live without oil, in fact we did till about 150 years ago, but liberty is different.

Last week I was in Portland with about 1500 engineers who work under the banner of the American Society of Agricultural and Biological Engineers. They aren’t all working on solving our energy problems, but many are. They tell me that making ethanol from corn is kind of a temporary measure, and they figure they can find a way to convert leftover crop residues, like corn stalks, wheat straw, or switch grass in it’s entirety, to a fuel we can burn in cars. If you’ve ever collected your own firewood from the forest you can imagine the job of gathering all those stalks and stems and efficiently hauling them to a fuel processor. But these engineers say they are up to the challenge and they aim to replace a quarter of all our crude oil needs by 2025.

Then I flew to Spokane in eastern Washington, home of the Gonzaga University basketball team, and drove down to Colfax to see first hand how they farm those rolling hills in the Palouse. We kid about farming the hills of Vermont, where the ears of corn roll by themselves to the bottom. But until you walk up and down the steep slopes where they raise wheat here and ride in a combine during harvest or on a tractor during planting you ain’t experienced such a white knuckle ride unless you’ve been on a coaster at Six Flags or Cedar Point. If you wonder why they farm this land, it’s because it’s great soil and they get yields with less than 20 inches of rain that would make a Kansas wheat grower turn green with envy. This summer looks like a fine crop, maybe averaging over 100 bushels an acre for the good farmers. They haul it a few miles down to the banks of the Snake River and ship it anywhere in the world.

Out in this part of Washington, Oregon and Idaho the big argument is over the dams on the Snake River. These dams were built forty to fifty years ago so people in this territory could have electricity without burning coal or oil, and to get barges upriver as far as Lewiston, Idaho. Those barges let them haul lumber, paper, grain and other assorted goods down the river instead of clogging the highways with trucks. Salmon numbers suffer because of the dams, no doubt about it, but giving up the dams after they’ve been built seems kinda foolish. We’re already spending millions and millions to help the fish get around the dams and down to the mouth of the Columbia.

You know, maybe the salmon would appreciate it if we hired a few sailors to harpoon the sea lions that daily gorge themselves on fish where it empties into the Pacific. They take out more salmon than the dams. With oil past $75 a barrel, electricity from flowing water makes sense to me. And I don’t aim to give up my daily bread either.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

    “I’ve been off the air here, I believe, about seven weeks. I went off purposely to see if I couldn’t give the country a chance to pick up a little… It don’t take much lookin’ to see that it ain’t done much since I’ve been gone. So I decided to come back on again and see if I can’t get it started up again. The whole civilized world has degenerated in the last seven weeks, not only the whole civilized world, but the Democratic party, too. That’s quite an admission.
Well, while I had my head turned and wasn’t on the radio, Hitler broke out on me. Hitler broke out on me and tore up the Versailles Treaty. It wasn’t a good treaty, but it was the only one they had. They was a year making it, and he tore it up in about a minute. And they had been about a year fixing it all up, all these nations. We got in on the signing of it. We got nothin’ out of the treaty, outside of the pen that we signed with, that was all we got.” Radio broadcast, March 31, 1935

#416, July 5, 2006

COLUMBUS: Fireworks last night wrapped up a fine Fourth. The Discovery space shuttle had a spectacular lift off after a week of Florida rain and clouds kept it on the ground. North Korea decided to jump into our fireworks celebration, shooting off 6 or 7 rockets. They would have fired more but they ran out of matches. Today Kim Jong Ill personally rubbed two sticks together to light 3 more missiles.

Like a lot of backyard fireworks, they kinda fizzled out. Still, there’s folks here that say our rockets didn’t do so great fifty years ago either, and with a little practice those Korean rockets could reach California. They’re right of course, but we had one essential thing North Korea lacks, besides electricity, running water and a full stomach. No, what America had was that one thing that gave us confidence our rocket program would persevere and succeed: German engineers and scientists.

Have you watched any of this World Cup soccer? Anywhere else in the world but here, billions of people follow every game. Americans don’t like games where nobody scores. Even in games where it is zero-zero after 90 minutes, soccer might draw some interest here if they kept statistics. U.S. football and basketball fans are great for statistics, and I think one that could revolutionize soccer, at least for American fans, would be turnovers. If soccer would keep a running total of all the turnovers by each team, at least we would have something to argue over. We would say, “Sure it was a scoreless tie, but our team forced 232 turnovers, and we only committed 227.”

France and Italy play for all the marbles Sunday and I think France will win. That may surprise you, but this ain’t a war so there’s no reason for them to wave a white flag the minute their opponent shows up. France will win because they’re smart. I saw where their team captain said, “If I can figure out a way to score a goal, and we shut out the other team, we’ll win”. Now we all joke about those men taking too many hits to the head, but you can’t argue with logic like that.

The governor of New Jersey shut down the state, with 8 million people in it, and hardly anybody outside the borders even noticed. A few gamblers had to fly to Reno instead, but other than that not much effect on the other 49 states. Now just imagine if you can, we have 2 million farmers in the entire country, and if they shut down for a week every city in the country would be starving.

Warren Buffett is not only rich, he’s shrewd. For years he’s been spouting off about how important the inheritance tax is, and the IRS has been drooling over the prospects of getting their hands on a big chunk of his $40 Billion. But he gave most of it to the Bill Gates Foundation, then set up each of his children with a Billion Dollar Foundation of their own. Those youngins will have to learn to get by on a modest salary for running their own Foundation, plus what little interest a Billion might draw. Leaving the poor old IRS with zilch. Warren is in favor of taxes, then figures out how to avoid paying them. Reminds me of the majority of men during Prohibition. They would vote dry, then drink wet.

Birthday greetings to President Bush. It’s a great time for a birthday, whether you’re a President, a country, or just an ordinary human being.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“We sure had a great Fourth, especially after we picked up our morning papers and found that Congress had adjourned the night of the third. That gave us a cause for having a Fourth. This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as we do when the baby gets hold of a hammer. It’s just a question of how much damage he can do with it before you can take it away from him.” DT #1230, July 4, 1930

“Say, they got a little country down here named Uruguay, with Montevideo the capital. Saw their big football stadium. For five straight years they have had the champion football soccer team in the world, and they play any country. The referee stays inside a big wire net where the spectators can’t get at him. Down here the people vote on whether they will hold a football game or a revolution, both equal in casualties.” DT #1939, Oct. 21, 1932

#415, June 26, 2006

COLUMBUS: When Bill Gates announced he was gonna give away $30 Billion it caused quite a ripple in the country. Now along comes Bill’s good friend, Warren Buffett, who says he will go in with Bill and add $40 Billion to the pot. It wasn’t just a ripple, it was flood.

In fact in Washington, DC, it really was a flood. The high water was partly from a rain storm. But mostly it was tears from the IRS. Seeing all that revenue siphoned off before it could be inherited and taxed, the IRS is crying a river that rivals the Potomac.

These tax folks aren’t just worried about losing the Gates-Buffett fortunes, it’s all the other Billionaires that might follow their lead. But they ain’t the first wealthy Americans to bypass the government and do good with their own money. There was Carnegie, Kellogg, and “my” good friends Henry Ford and John D. Rockefeller, the man who kinda set the standard (or Standard) for philanthropy. (See Historic quote below)

The way Mr. Buffett invests and multiplies, that $40 Billion is likely just a down payment. A few years ago I proposed that we let him manage our Social Security funds. If Congress had been that far-sighted to make such a wise move they wouldn’t have to argue over how to pay for drugs for old folks.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

“Hurrah for Mr. Rockefeller, 96 years old today, one of the very few men that knew how to give money away so that every dollar does good. That’s more than our government can do. It’s more than anybody can do. All over the world there is a Rockefeller doctor swatting at a mosquito or trapping a poisonous fly. I flew the whole east coast of Brazil and they have eliminated mosquitos. However, I do wish he would spread some of that Standard Oil (or even Gulf Oil) on some of these home-talent mosquitos. There is no end to that old gentleman’s talents. He beat insurance without dying. They just got discouraged and paid him. He will make the 100 and some to spare.” DT #2784, July 8, 1935

(Note: John D. Rockefeller died May 23, 1937)

#414, June 19, 2006 COLUMBUS: The new hotbed of hockey is Raleigh, North Carolina. Yes sir, they just recently learned how to cover a basketball floor with ice, and tonight they skated so good on it they beat Canada for the Stanley Cup. On Sunday an Australian showed us how to win at golf. Have you noticed that most Americans, especially men, relate to golf much more than hockey or soccer. Americans are not especially fond of sliding on ice even in an automobile or pickup truck. And why would any man with a reasonably good pair of hands and arms insist on batting a ball with his head. But golf? Is there any golfer who hasn’t uttered those famous words of Phil Mickelson on the last hole of the U.S. Open, “I’m an idiot.” In Washington they debated the Iraq War. Both sides of the issue are quite simple: Republicans stand behind their President when he insists, “Stay the course.” On the other hand, Democrats insist the President stand up and say, “I’m an idiot.” Houston is getting belted with a foot or two of rain. Meanwhile, the drought continues in north Texas and Oklahoma. Wheat yields are so poor the farmers are petitioning their Congressmen to build an irrigation ditch from Houston for relief. Houston’s for it, not only providing the water but an excess Congressman to boot. North Korea announced they will soon fire a long range missile as a test. President Bush says we are ready for ’em, on the outside chance it might reach as far as an Alaska oil well. So, by coincidence, we’ll be testing our own new-fangled missile defense system. If our anti-missile missile knocks the Korean rocket out of the air before it leaves their shores he will give it a passing grade. Vice-President Cheney is confident it will perform even better than that, “If it works to perfection, it’ll blow up their rocket before it leaves the ground.” Historic quotes from Will Rogers: “I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate your enemies.” WA #310, December 2, 1928 “Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.” Saturday Evening Post, June 9, 1928

#413, June 12, 2006

COLUMBUS: There’s some good news from Iraq. Al-Zarqawi got bombed and it couldn’t happen to a more deserving fellow.

Zarqawi is dead, so al-Qaida kinda called a political convention to vote on a new leader. A dark horse candidate won because all the front-runners dropped out. They dropped out when they heard the autopsy report on Zarqari. If you think walking for months through snow drifts in New Hampshire is enough to slow down a man’s presidential ambitions, consider the prospect of having a 500-pound bomb dropped on your head. Three men were so afraid of being drafted for the office they committed suicide.

It seems this new terrorist leader is a man nobody had ever heard of or seen before. I think he goes by the name Abu al-Stupo. If he’s smart he’ll head directly for a deep cave in Pakistan.

Hurricane season just opened, and Florida bagged the first one. It’s kinda puny as hurricanes go, but it’s got a name: Alberto (or is it al-Berto?). As of Monday night it’s blowing 70 miles an hour. Most of Florida actually wants the storm to land because they need the rain to put out grass fires. Besides, anything in Florida that can’t handle a little wind is already flattened or blown clear to Georgia. You could tell that some of these national television folks were downright disappointed it headed to Tampa and not New Orleans.

The Senate voted on the Estate tax. The two sides couldn’t be farther apart on the tax: Republicans want to eliminate it, and Democrats want to make it 100 percent (see historic quote). The way they decided the vote was that each multi-billionaire in this country was paired up, one-on-one, with a Senator, at least the Senators that claim Republican heritage. There’s only 55 men living in the whole country who stand to gain from the bill, and they needed 60 votes to overcome a filibuster by Democrats. So it looks like they fell 5 billionaires short.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

(From Will’s weekly radio show…)
“Treasury Secretary Morgenthau (under FDR) has come out with a plan to put a bigger and better tax on these big estates, these tremendous estates. An inheritance tax, that is, on a man who died. And on an estate of say $10 million, why the government will take about 90 percent of it, and then giving the offspring 10. And then on estates of 100 million, 200 million, a billion, and like that, well, the government just takes all of that and notifies the heirs, ‘Your father died a pauper here today. And he’s being buried by the M. E. B. A.; that is the Millionaires’ Emergency Burial Association.’

Now mind you, I don’t hold any great grief for a man that dies and leaves millions and hundreds of millions and billions. I don’t mean that. But I don’t believe Mr. Morgenthau’s plan will work because he gives figures that shows what this new inheritance tax would bring in every year. He says in 1936 we get so much, in 1938 so much… He gives these figures to show what it will bring in every year. That is, as long as the Democrats stay in.

He seems to know just who’s going to die each year. And how much they’re going to leave. Now, brother, that’s planning. Now suppose, for instance, he’s got scheduled to die J. P. Morgan. He’s got him scheduled to die on a certain year. And you can bet, if they can arrange it, they’ll have him die while the Democrats are in, so they can get the benefit of that estate.

Now, according to plan, J. P. Morgan’s got to die in order for Mr. Morgenthau to reach his quota for that year. Now Mr. Morgan is a nice man, a very able, nice fellow. And I think his patriotism might compare with some of the rest of us, but whether he’d be patriotic enough to want to die on this year’s schedule or not, just to make Morgenthau’s budget balance… I mean, that’s asking a good deal of a man to just die right off just so I can balance my budget. He might be rather unreasonable and not want to do it.

I say, old men is contrary, you know what I mean? And rich old men is awful contrary. They’ve had their own way so long.

So in order for Mr. Morgenthau’s plan to work out, well, to work out a hundred percent, he’s got to bump these wealthy guys off, or something. Well now, the government’s doing everything else, you know, but there IS a Humane Society.” Radio, April 28, 1935

“I don’t see why a man shouldn’t pay an inheritance tax. If a Country is good enough to pay taxes to while you are living, it’s good enough to pay in after you die. By the time you die you should be so used to paying taxes that it would just be almost second nature to you.” WA #168, Feb. 28, 1926

#412, June 4, 2006

WILDCAT, West Va.: I’ll tell you in a minute about where I am. But first, this argument in Washington over marriage is why coming to a place like this for a weekend is a good idea.

Democrats say, why aren’t you debating the war in Iraq, oil prices and nuclear power for Iran?

Republicans say we’ll be glad to talk on those topics, plus the economy, Mexican fences, and even Barry Bonds home runs.

Democrats say, why bring up marriage just before the election?

Republicans say, it ain’t our fault. Everything was going smooth on the marriage front for over 200 years, there was more marriages than divorces. Then some judges decided we needed even more marriages, probably so we can have more divorces, and that’s what brought it to the front burner.

So, I’ll let Washington argue marriage, and I’ll stick with divorce (see below).

Onto the important news of the week, we want to congratulate Canada on stopping those terrorists before they could blow up anything. It appears that 17 of them each went to the local farm co-op and bought a bag or two of 34-0-0, and when they piled it all together it added up to 3 tons of ammonium nitrate. They were in cahoots with 2 men in Atlanta, and have you noticed, no one has complained about the CIA listening in on their phone calls?

Well, let me tell you how to find Wildcat. You start out in town (which most of you would call civilization), and after a few miles on a state road you turn onto a narrow blacktop. You pass a house once in a while in a clearing, but mostly you’re surrounded by trees. Big, tall trees. Then after a few minutes you turn onto a gravel road and head up a steep hill. Just when you’re thinking the best you can hope for is a tent suspended between trees, you come out of the forest into the open. And you’re surrounded by freshly mowed hilltop meadows, clean pastures, fat cattle, a modern farm house, garden and barns. When you gather in a couple dozen family and friends, now THIS is civilization.

This particular Wildcat is in West Virginia, but every state has one. It’ll have a different name, and look a little different, but it’ll have the same feel.

The thing about West Virginia is it has a number of “Wildcats”, and one of them is called Pickens. It’s in the mountains, maybe 50 miles away as the crow flies. I read in the paper where their school’s graduating class had a valedictorian and a salutatorian. That’s all. Two seniors. Only 42 in the whole twelve grades. You can find cul-de-sacs with more than that being home schooled, but these are gathered in from miles around. They get 200 inches of snow in Pickens, and I bet they miss fewer school days than some towns with 10.

If I’m ever invited to give one of those commencement speeches Pickens is where I want to go. When it’s my turn, after all the pomp and circumstance, we would pick up our 3 chairs (me and my audience of two), go sit under a shade tree and chat a spell. It would not go down in history as great oratory, but we would each remember the occasion and how we felt.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

“I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain’t. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers.” DT #562, May 15, 1928

“The biggest thing in legislation nowadays is the different States’ race for the divorce business. Arkansas guarantees a divorce in three months including room and board. Nevada heard about it and called a special session of their Legislature and says: ‘We will give you one in six weeks, and if any other State goes under that time, we will give you a divorce, marriage, and another divorce all for the same time, and price. In other words, that’s our business. We have built it up to what it is today. If there had been no Reno, you would still have been living with the same old gal.'” DT #1444, March 10, 1931

“(Nevada) is a funny colony, and it ain’t funny, it’s sad. But there is many a heartbreak here, and lots of children, that’s the tough part. Divorce ain’t so bad I guess when it’s only the participants suffer, but it’s sure tough on the children. Well anyhow it’s a great Industry, and I guess about the only way to stop it is to stop marriage.” WA #404, September 21, 1930